What?

I was walking to get coffee just now and I saw a tow-truck guy (the male equivalent of a meter maid in my opinion) towing a car that was parked in a spot reserved for health club yuppies. He got the car up on the ramp but still couldn't move it. He goes into his truck, breaks out this device, walks back over to the car, uses the device to break into the car, puts it in neutral and takes off the parking break, and then he drives away with this smug look on his face that made me want to shoot out his tires with a blow dart and it also made me wish I had the ability to shoot blow darts.

What distresses me is that there is some device out there that lets people break into your car in under 8 seconds. That's all it took. Are these things only available to tow truck drivers? Do you have to present your 'I'm a vindictive, trashy, prick that thought high school was too hard so I pick on people that have better things to do than to follow me to the car lockup and wait for hours while their car is processed but you can avoid all that if you give me cash on the spot' ID?

As a point of clarification, I don't mean the kind of tow truck guys who help you when your car breaks down as they are doing a public service. I am referring to the moronic sh*t stains that patrol parking lots and take their jobs way too seriously. I don't know how you could sleep at night knowing that your very function in life makes people miserable. That would seem like a heavy burden to bear but these guys don't have any problems because their truck has a hemi and tons of towing capacity.

Does this piss anyone else off? Parking lots force people to either buy things from the establishment that owns the lot, get towed and want to murder infant animals, or move to a pay parking area that gauges for leaving your car in one place for more than an hour. This is one thing I have always believed in: parking should always be free. I got towed once from a McDonald's lot when I went to go see a movie. I used to go that McDonald's all the time. I will never go again. Was that worth it? Lose a lifetime of business so that you'd have 59 free spots instead of 58 and yes I f*cking counted.

Call me crazy, but I would want to encourage as many people as possible to come into my area if I were a business owner. I would want to make it as easy as possible for people to come to my place of business. I would be pissed if I found out that I was losing customers because some tow nazi got giddy and broke into a car of a paying customer and hauled his car off.

That's Cute

I had a really long and funny post that somehow got erased when I put it online. I got really pissed off just now.

The gist of it was that I hate going to clubs and dealing with the bathroom attendant guys. Do I really have to give this paroled ex-car thief $2 every time I take a piss? Thanks for the paper towels chief, I couldn't have dried my hands without you spotting me. I gave the dude some money the first time I went in but on my subsequent trips, did not throw him anything as I didn't have a ton of cash. He gave me that 'you muthaf*cka' look that thought black guys can give to intimidated white guys to intimidate them. The only white guys that aren't intimidated are those redneck/thuggish white dudes with thin-lined facial hair and sideways hats that leave the frecas in their mitsubishis with glowing lights and lots of base for their hip hop tracks.

I promise the first version of this was funny. It included a dog humping a grown man and laying seed on his sweatpants. I guess this version includes that now too. Well, the other one had other good stuff about how I love Star Wars more than anyone I know and I can't write a Star Wars joke but Rory Scovel has like 3. All my jokes are like "TK 421 why don't you copy? TK 421, why aren't you at your post?.......We've got a bad transmitter. I'll see what I can do."

Obey My Blog!

My boy Jon's new game is to call up chicks and have me do voices over the phone. To some, this would be degrading. Many would ask: "what am I, a puppet?" I do not ask this. I do it. That's how much I love attention and people appreciating my abilities. Danny Rouhier: noted mimic.

There was a girl named Lee there last night. She claimed that she could dunk a tennis ball. I claimed I would dunk on her face and yell outloud while I was dunking and she would ask: "why did you dunk it so hard in my face?" and I would answer: "I don't know Lee; that's just how I roll. I dunk it hard in people's faces." She was all-state in like 9 sports or something which is cool if you're into that sort of thing. Stupid athletes and their big words and smaller but also hard to pronounce words...

The holidays get kind of slow for shows or maybe they just get slow for me.

My favorite voice to do right now is Cleveland from Family Guy. It just flows very well for me and the phrases I can say in the voice are all fun. My second favorite thing is the Dave Chappelle voice where I yell the name "Dave Chappelle" repeatedly. Comic juggernaut T-Rexx once said of my Dave Chappelle: "That's the best damned Dave Chappelle I've ever heard in my life...And it came from a white guy..." I say this only to brag.

Would you rather be a janitor in a Russian high school or a moisture farmer on Tatooine? I say moisture farmer because someone might come to you and tell you that you have the force and I've always wanted to have the force and have even practiced like I had it. I still wave my hand at automatic doors as if I have the ability to open them. The peak of my force powers was when I lived with my boy Quinn. I would hold my hand out and reach for something so long that he would have no choice but to get up and get it for me. Perhaps it was the indirect force, but I didn't move and I got the object. Advantage Jedi Master Roos...that's what I would call myself.

Adams Morgan Filth

I went out with some honies and my boy Jon on Friday night. All the honies had boyfriends which is my new style...

The majority of the night was mirthful and not worth mention. What is worth mention is as follows:

On our way to get some late night pizza at Pizza Mart, we saw a spectacle. 2 white dudes and 2 latino dudes were sqauring off. The White Guy 1 (WG 1) and Latino Guy 1 (LG 1) were pushing and jawing and their boys were trying to separate them. WG 1 was doing the thing that a lot of white guys do when they get in this situation: they used phrases that they may have seen on BET, in an interview with a rapper, or in a movie where a minority gangster is portrayed:

WG 1 said things like: "yo, you ain't tryin' to see this" , "Step!", "Nah nah...it ain't even like that"

Really? Then tell me what it is like in Manassas you jackass.

LG 1 was no better. He was making the 'crazy, wide-eyed, the longer this goes on the more latino gangster I will become' face. He was doing that thing where he was sort of hopping aroung with his hands around his crotch repeating phrases over and over with increasingly high pitch as he went. He was completely unaware that he appeared foolish in the eyes of others.

A crowd began to gather the little dance. It looked like when those 2 dancers got together in the Michael Jackson 'Bad' video that aired after In Living Color on Fox but it lacked the snappy choreography.

LG 1 was holding a bottle of vodka that was 4/5 empty. I realized, after about 6 seconds that he was eventually going to throw this bottle at his opponent. I could tell by looking at the aforementioned face. Sure enough, after some more gesticulating and phrase repeating, LG 1 threw the bottle at WG 1. He missed by 5 feet and he was no more than 12 feet away. The bottle broke and some other Latinos were sprayed with glass shards. The fun was over as it now seemed someone would die soon and I swore to myself I would not be testifying at any mroe trials this year. As I walked past the other Latinos I said very loudly, "Are you guys OK, because that other guy threw a bottle?" Several onlookers laughed as it was very funny. Funnydanny.com bitches; next one ain't free.

Yadda yadda yadda I slept over at Jon's parents' house and we listened to Jerky Boys like we were in 7th grade. Friday nights in the city. Rollin' deep and reppin' it to the death.

New Hotness

I hate it when you get on the elevator and there are already 3 or four people on the elevator. They are always back against the walls and in the corners only leaving the center of the elevator for you to awkwardly pivot in place and stare down at the floor. I have decided to take action. This morning, I got into the elevator which already had four people. They were all facing the elevator door. I got in, and faced them all. I had a face off in the elevator. They were all facing me and my back was to the door. I rode this way for 5 floors until someone was getting off. I stood aside and let them pass then resumed my post in the center of the elevator. One by one, each passenger put his or her head down, making me the victor. When I back out onto the 11th floor, there was a little extra bounce in my step. Advantage Rouhier.

Jeff Mauer is a great dude. He gave me like 41 suggestions last night to help out some really crappy new jokes I had written and tried out in front of a baffled crowd at Topaz. I am not a very good comic.

I recently decided that I am going to stay in the DC area for a while longer. I am looking for a place to live. I am using this 'craig's list' to attempt to search for a desirable location. It has been quit fruitless to this point. I actually posted something about needing a place and that got responses whereas me contacting people with ads yielded very little. All I want is to live in a house in Georgetown/Glover Park/Arlington where the rent is under $700 and the hot chicks in the neighborhood take turns massaging my back. Why is that hard? Its not. Step it up Craig's list people. Bring your A game or go sit down at the end of the bench with that skinny kid with really bad acne and glasses that keeps the stats.

Speaking of stats, 313 people have viewed my spot on current.tv in the last 3 days. I am an extremely minor celebrity. Check me out and don't forget to green light me you ingrates: http://www.current.tv/studio/media/1078486

Stats

A few comics have taken to posting some stats and percentages about their web traffic. Whatever makes you happy I guess. I can't imagine doing this though. It would be like mentioning that I was the MVP of the Fairfax Eagles, the 18 and CABA national champions in 1997. Or, it would be like me saying, "hey, I'm Danny, when I graduated from GW, I was in the top five in most offensive categories for my career and was the school's all-time leader in RBIs...oh yeah, and make sure you check out the all conference teams where you will find my name. Also, if you get a chance, make sure to go and check the Virginia Little League record book where you will find my 12 year old season where I hit .896 with 27 home runs and a .15 era (I gave up one run when I got pissed at my dad and the umpire and I walked the bases loaded and walked in a run) in a 20 game season. All those stats are real by the way."

I would never do that.

I also can't believe I wasn't more in demand from pro teams. Usually, a 5'11" 195 lbs. player with average speed and no defensive position gets snatched up by a team looking for someone to make jokes on the bench.

Yeah but at least comedy doesn't pay very well.

I am putting together a really cool show. It is going to be cool and sweet but not too sweet because you would then get sick of it. Probably Dec 8. More to come on that.

Whispers amongst Satellite. Rumors flow like dust in the wind. Dec 3rd. There is a chance that this show would be like crossing the streams: there is a small chance we could survive the full particle reversal. It smells like burnt dog. Oh Venkman I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just forgot.

I went from a show promo right into Ghostbusters quotes. If you can't keep up, get a seeing eye dog. I don't get that either but my Babe Ruth coach told us that before the State Championship Game in South Hill, VA that I won with a 3 run home run in the top of the 7th inning.

I'm on Internet tv.

Check me out on the internet.com. Go to http://www.current.tv/studio/media/1078486

This is a direct link to a clip of me doing a little stand up. Its not my best work but its me just the same. My best work is right after a shower with the bathroom mirror a bit steamy; that is when I get creative...

If any of you readers are kind and unselfish people, you will log into current tv and green light my clip (no obligation, they just want unique log ins so a-holes like me don't keep voting for themselves to be green lighted). This will give me more exposure and give you a sense of accomplishment. Do it or be destroyed.

My boy Justin Schlegel, www.justinschlegel.com, is opening up for Bob Saget tonight at Lisner Auditorium at GW. None shall be spared from the barrage of jokes that will rain down like rain.

My posts are getting worse.

Hot Nights

My friends Ramsey and Lucie had a filthy throwdown on Friday night. I drank grain punch like a 20 year old college junior who needs to be outstandingly drunk to approach sorority honies and ask them about their majors. All were drunk and it was wondrous. I punted pumpkins in the middle of the streets of Georgetown. Ramsey called it: "your funniest moment ever". I felt like my funniest moment ever was crashing a party at the Ritz Carlton at 3:30 AM and declaring myself 'the official photographer'. I took pictures of myself and scenery with other people's cameras. Multi-talented...

I met a girl who is the single biggest cock-blocking/fun-sponge/annoying/no one likes her and wonders why she is at the party then you explain why and people are pissed at you because your reason doesn't seem anywhere near good enough to justify this terrible presence at an otherwise fun event. Girls like this make me depressed and sad. She has a boyfriend. I can only assume that he must be without a soul as she burdens him with wild emotional swings, picks fights about minutia, and loudly flirts with every male in sight every time they leave her lair of the black abyss where fun goes to die.

I would rather be beaten in a prison shower with a rusty copper cable while pedophiles and rapists take mental snapshots to interogate their dolphins later in their cells then hang out with that girl ever again. Here's to drunk driving and population control.

I had fun Saturday night teaching dance moves. I am a fantastic dancer with more skills than a juggling decathlete.

The Redskins lost and my anger is naked and unencumbered.

I hate when you order food and the restaurant gets it wrong. It is never worth it to me to fight with the person who's making $8 an hour over whether or not they heard me correctly over the phone. Frustrating. I just make a pouty face and say: "don't worry about it" and sulk out of the place and eat what I didn't want.

Soooo Whatcha doooiiinn?

Here is what I am thinking about:

Ryan Conner performed last night on a broken leg that still had the bullets inside. He killed. That is a performance.

Doug Powell did something amazing last night. I have never been so entertained at an open mic. I can't explain it. It wasn't the funniest thing I have ever seen but I was so captivated. I think the crowd was too. They weren't laughing so much as they were transfixed on his performance. Incredible. I love that guy. He is never satisfied.

I went up with a few concepts last night and some ideas that I've tried out before. Not good. I think I may have one good thing out of all of it. Its about NASCAR. No comic ever talks about NASCAR. I am the only one. Take that, mix in my Shwarzeneggar (I don't care if its spelled wrong, you know who I am talking about bitches) impersonation, add my one joke about anal sex, steam/shake/cool/serve: You've got a directionless, hacky comic that should retire and go do 9-5 jobs with the rest of these a$$holes...No I didn't mean my office...I meant a figurative and metaphorical office where candy doesn't fall from the ceiling every half hour and bonuses are handed out for cheeriness and every movement made within the complex isn't watched like a prairie dog in the sights of a hawk.

I love my job.

Comics: Here is my advice for the day. Keep in mind that I am not good but here is what I know. If you go up and talk at the audience, like you're giving a speech, you are going to suck always. If you can make the audience think you're talking to them or at least make them comfortable with you, you are more likely to get laughs. Be engaging. There are certain people who's material really isn't that good but they still crush because they are being themselves and they are what's funny. Some people could read the phonebook and it could be hilarious. This brings me to my next point, if you are not naturally funny; meaning you weren't the funniest one of your friends or you are not the funniest one in your office or you are constantly surprised when people don't laugh at your amusing little quips, allow me to give you some advice: aahhheemmm

STOP DOING STANDUP ASSHOLE!

Thanks.

The Dominance of Seaton Smith

Dominant. This is the only way to describe Seaton Smith on Saturday night at the contest. He rung up a well-deserved victory at the DC Comedyfest Contest at Cantina Marina. He was awesome. Well done young man.

I was awful. I sealed my fate in the first 7 seconds when I made some kind of awkward reference to wanting to sleep with Alicia Gomes; this made everyone uncomfortable. I am so intimidated by her as she is really funny and I have no idea how to talk to her. It reminds me of 7th grade when 7 dudes would crowd around 2 chicks and I'd be just outside the circle and when I finally got a word in it was a joke that referenced something that happened 5 minutes before and no one got it and it got really silent and I would break out in acne on the spot. So, my bad Alicia.

Both Alicia and Ryan Conner were hilarious. They both crushed and it would have been between them if Seaton hadn't come in the end and dominated like Voltron.

In other news, if you haven't heard of this, read it now http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2216124

Its a story about two Carolina Panthers Cheerleaders who were hammered at a bar in Tampa and decided to go and make seggs in a bathroom stall. An angry woman called the police because she had to wait for too long. Do what other uppity chicks do: go into the men's room by doing that thing where you act all flirtatious and skip the line and then go take care of business with a hover-craft move in the stall. Don't be a bitch and call the cops.

My boy is married to an NFL cheerleader. I partied with many of them at the wedding. We did not see behavior like this or the wedding would have been a bit more fun. The cheerleaders at the wedding were complete fun-sponges that left after an hour and ten minutes. This was highlighted by several of them sharing one piece of chicken at my table and my boy's brother awkwardly hitting on one cheerleader which provided some entertainment. Note: I did the robot on the dance floor.

The Dumb Bitch at Topaz Last Night

Oh my God. That is how I am starting this blog. I had a tight set at Topaz last night which included taking an obnoxious woman to task. I figuratively took her behind the wood shed and metaphorically beat her about the chest and assneck with a spade. If you have to say something to the person next to you, whisper it. Everyone who is there to see a comedy show (great crowd last night) does not want to hear your repetitive observations made to no one in particular. During your GED classes, I wish they had touched on the topic of 'inside voices'.

Unbelievable. She tried to provoke me into a shouting match after the show. I ignored her which again made me the winner as she once again appeared foolish in the eyes of others.

Saturday night will be hot like scorching flames on pantyhose. Cantina Marina 8PM (www.cantinamarina.com). Be there or face ridicule.

My Bizzle

Sorry to everyone at Nanny's last night. I really stunk. I had done basically the same set the entire weekend and I needed to get some new stuff going. I went up with a few ideas to see where they would take me. They took me to a prison shower where I was deflowered and beaten with a hose as several guards watched and stared at my awkwardness.

Also, it was really dark at Nanny's. Weird scene all around. Chris Palmer did a hand-stand.

Saturday night at Cantina Marina will be cool like frozen foods in the freezer. Worst analogy ever.

Drafts

I had a fantasy NBA draft last night. I had my heart set on a pick and then choked under pressure and took someone else. My war room was disgusted. My question is, is this what it feels like to be engaged? I feel like every time I check my fantasy lineup I'll have to give it the same 'OK, whatever you say sweetie' smile that guys give their wives/fiances when they are dying inside thinking about the really hot girl that got away that time in Memphis when she asked me to dance but I had just gotten there and when I told her no my boys wanted to stab me in the legs and then she danced with some other guy and went home with him and then I saw her on ESPN a few months later because she was in the finals of the "MISS HAWAIIAN TROPIC" competition.

I still wake up late at night in tears. Ha ha funny right? Nope. Moistened eyes and clenched fists.

I believe that it is in the nature of women to try and attract the most desirable man they can and hold onto him. I believe it is in the nature of men to have an opportunity to nail the hottest girl he's ever seen in person and then f*ck it up.

Nanny's tonight. 8:30. Ryan Conner is going to do something unheard of in the world of comedy.

PS There is a porn star named Ryan Conner who is a chick. She is hot. I was explaining this to someone the other day and someone else heard me say that 'Ryan Conner is really hot'. I am not weirded out by this.