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Below you will find the following elements: mirth, joy, humor, mockery, insinuation, sport, politics, comedy, rants, awkwardness, opinions, communacable disease, self-promotion, and lingo. Enjoy.

Friday, December 30, 2005

New Years

I have had one great New Years Eve in my whole life: the 1999/2000 nye where my buddy Jon and me wished everyone a 'happy Armageddon' and I made drunken kissy with several girls and a couple of dudes and one who could have gone either way. Other than that, nothing but fairly disappointing ventures where I and a few friends drop a lot of money, have huge expectations, and go to some bar/club with lots of strangers all in search of some sort of magical time that never comes and I go home by myself swearing that I will never do something like that again.

It begins when the calendar turns to December. The questions: "What are you doing for New Years?", "Are you doing anything for New Years?", "Any plans for New Years?", "Who is this? Stop calling me. I can hear you breathing." Totally annoying. You know what its like? Prom. New Years is like prom for people in their early-mid 20s. Huge expectations, disappointments, high expense, and hanging out with people that you don't really want to see. I am totally beat on doing some big production for new years. Its just another night out as far as I'm concerned. If its an excuse to hang out with a bunch of my friends, hurray for that but I refuse to do the prom thing anymore.

Congrats to my boys Justin Schlegel and Jon Mumma who torched the Comedy Factory last night for a sold out show. It will also be off the set of chains tonight. www.baltimorecomedy.com

Happy New Year everybody. I would never hang out in 2005.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Walking Pace

Before I begin, everyone who has a sense of humor should go this site and experience the joy of Family Guy quotations. Easily the funniest show created by humans and everyone who doesn't like it is wrong and should be hurried to middle America and dropped off in a corn field at night which is incidentally terrifying if you've never done it. Here is the site: http://www.familyguyquotes.com/

I get irritated at a lot of things in my life as do most people I suspect. There is one thing that gets to me pretty good: Slow Walkers. Nothing is more annoying than being behind one of those really slow paced walking people that walk in the middle of the hall so you can't go around them and you are doing a bob and weave behind them to keep from stepping on their heels. These are the same morons who are always complaining that 'everyone is always in such a hurry'. Of course we are you useless air breather, we have sh*t to do so that we can relax later. You are choosing to relax now. Fine. Go with that, just do it on the f*cking right side of the hallway so I can get around.

These are the same people that get to the front of the line at a fast food place and have no idea what they want yet. "So what do you all have? A dollar menu? You mean it only costs a dollar? This puts a whole new element to the ordering process. You put that menu off to the side there...So now what comes in a combo? The drink is a medium well I only want a small can I just have that? OK well give me the fries and a small drink... How can that be more expensive? I guess just give me the medium then. $5.43? I think I have 43 cents hold on...nope I don't...oh wait...no its a Canadian nickel...Where did I get that?"

I have said it before, but I wish I had blow darts and a blow dart shooting device for times like those.

Go to the Baltimore Comedy Factory tonight and tomorrow night. My boys Justin Schlegel (headlining) and Jon Mumma (featuring) are going to scald the mic and leave craters where there jokes crushed. www.baltimorecomedy.com

Monday, December 26, 2005

Christmas for Grown-Ups Suck

I realized something this Christmas. Being an adult at Christmas is no fun. You have to buy gifts for a lot of people who are always difficult to shop for or you have to buy things that you think are ridiculous just because your kid asked for it even though you know full well that the kid won't be playing with the toy within two weeks. What's worse are the gifts you receive. You ask for things you need instead of things that are cool. When you open up the package and see the exact rug you asked for and told your sister to get for you online, you are forced to make the same awkward joke of: "how did you know?...see, I told her what to get and then she got it for me...so I really knew all along that I was going to get it...but its funny to act like I didn't know..."

So, mom and dad, I'm really sorry for every Christmas since 1980. I figure my first Christmas in '79 I was still new enough that the 'new baby glow' hadn't worn off yet and it was still cool but after that, I gotta believe they stopped being fun and became chores. As Lois Griffin said on Family Guy: "You think Christmas just happens? You think all this holiday cheer just falls out of my butt?" Well it doesn't, it takes grown-ups being miserable for the hollidays to work. I am a grown-up now. I realized it yesterday when I opened my presents. I got exactly what I needed but was not tempted to call my friends and compare notes as to who got the most/coolest video games and other toys.

I got a slingshot and 6 nintendo games one year. Are you f*cking kidding? How do you top that? Play nintendo, go raise havoc with slingshot, run and hide, circle back inside and play more nintendo, receive envy of peers both for cool gifts but also nintendo prowess, have neighborhood kids submit you to Nintendo Power as a "Power Player" and have name appear in the January '89 issue, try to brag about it at school but have no one listen because no one really liked you then, get rid of bowl cut for flat-top, continue to not receive acceptance from peers at school, play lots of sports as a kid and become known as having a poor attitude, go onto play baseball in college and hit on dozens of rich girls and not figure out the special formula for taking them down, get a job at your high school in the alumni relations office and coach kids, become an average standup comic who many think is hacky because of your reliance on cute little voices, get a blog and share details of your life that should be kept secret and irritate people both in the comedy world and friends of yours, leave job at high school to take a new job that affords more opportunity to pursue comedy through good friend who is also a comedian but that you never see anymore because he moved to Alexandria and left your office and the only time you hang out is when you go relieve him so he can go to lunch, receive works shirts and socks for Christmas, begin reminiscing over the joy of youth and reality of adulthood, blog about said topic.

I said "Merry Christmas" to a Jewish person yesterday. They go: "Ummm, I'm a Jew." I said, "I know. But I can still say that right? Even if you don't celebrate it, its still what day it is and I want you to have a merry one. Its like you telling me: "Happy Arbor Day". I don't celebrate it, but its nice to hear..."

They go: "Whatever."

Friday, December 23, 2005

Myspace

I was/am very reluctant to get into the myspace phenomenon. It seemed to me to be an outlet for any toolbelt to get a website. I still think that. I had to sign up for a myspace account so I could view some of these web pages and I've received a few of these 'become my myspace friend' invites. It wasn't too long ago that there was a stigma attached to being 'internet friends' with someone but it seems that this is being replaced with, 'internet friends are generally acceptable and its a great way to chat with people." There are some comics that I really like who use it as well as my good buddies in the rock band Vaeda http://www.myspace.com/vaeda

You know what else is a great way to chat? phones. You know what else? email. If I have your contact info, it means I want to contact you. There are maybe a small handful of people where at any given time I have said, 'I wish I could contact this person but I can't'. I am willing to trade that for the bombardment people seem to get from myspace/friendster etc. Some might say I am stubborn for not embracing the new technologies and they would be right. Some would say that I don't really know what I'm talking about and they too would be right. Others would thank me and say that these little 'do it easy' web pages should be left to college students for when they get bored with facebook.com. Still others would embrace myspace as a means to market oneself in the world of comedy and put aside his silly impressions of a useful tool. Not me. That's how I roll.

I hate that I can get comfortable using a modicum of technology only to have it replaced by another that I don't consider to be more functional. A great case and point are google or yahoo groups. My boys and I have a list serve where we banter and exchange humor. We were forced to move to one of these groups by the technology nazis in our midst and the functionality of the 'individual reply' was no more. There were these complaints and claims of 'deleting emails' and the like but they are bogus. If you have gmail, whether you use a group or not, a reply to the same message is still in one conversation so there are no extra messages to delete. The group benefits the 2 guys that can do some other kind of sh*t that the rest of us are clueless about and the peons are left to complain and wonder what was wrong with actually seeing who you are sending a message to instead of some group. It is harder to maintain contact lists because of these groups. Don't email me individually, use the group so everyone can see it.

This post was unhumorous. Happy Holidizzles to all.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

We Need to Have a Talk About Your TPS Reports

What is more depressing than being in your office when everyone else is on vacation? Besides being in Russia during the mid afternoon when everything is gray and you remember that the KGB can see you right now...

Have you ever met a girl that seems pretty great and then met someone she has dated and been so shocked that you think about taking your eyes out and holding them in front of you so you can see the disbelief on your own face? Happened to me recently.

I met a really cute, fun, and sweet girl who has gotten glowing recommendations from trusted sources. She seems great. Subsequently I met an X/currently awkward/so what are we right now? dude. Stunning.

Here is the breakdown:

3 types of dudes:

Regular dudes: nothing wrong with these guys. They are fine. Nice guys that go to work and maybe have a couple of extra curriculars. They go out on weekends and they do what they are supposed to do. Girls often seem drawn to these guys (especially southern girls) which is fine but they are just OK. Nothing wrong with them but not special enough to leave a mark when they go.

Tight dudes: this type of dude brings something extra to the table. has all the good qualities of the regular dudes plus something extra. The kind of guy that you can know for years and still find out interesting stuff about. Always smart, funny, and he enriches the lives of the people he meets. He is outside the box but can walk inside when he feels like it. Quality girls are drawn to these dudes but the regular to subpar honies always miss it.

Poo-Eaters: The worst. Devoid of good qualities. Can be socially inept, awkward, painful to be around, cruel, think they are more important than they are or any combination from above. They are the type of dude that when that guy leaves the room everyone immediately says things like: "Are you f*cking kidding me?", "Is he serious?", "Oh my God", and so forth. Terrible dudes not only don't bring anything of value to the table, but they take away. They are sponges, fun-suckers, and mirth-takers. They never seem to get it. They'll insult you before they know you and think its funny.

Well folks, the 'boyfriend' was one of this last group. Upsetting.

Ladies, funnydanny puts out the call to you. Do not let your friends continue to make excuses for a terrible dude's behavior anymore. She must leave him. Leave him while there is still time. Read these testimonials if you don't believe me"

S.J. from North Carolina writes: "Roos, my old bf made everyone feel weird but my new bf is a tight dude. Thanks!"

S.T. from Atlanta writes: "My old bf was OK I guess, but he's nothing compared with the super tight dude I have now! Thanks FunnyDanny!"

L.J. from DC writes: 'Leave me alone. Stop writing me. I will call the police."

I beg you ladies, if you need help evaluating a dude, any of our professionally trained funnydanny staff is available on call. My colleagues and I are ready to rate your dude as we have only tight dudes on the payroll.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Things That Are Mint

Here is a list of things that are awesome that I decided to compile today. No particular order here; just great stuff. Happy holidays everybody except for the people that get pissed off about using certain words during the holidays because it misses the entire point of the holidays you self-righteous idiots. Merry Christmas to those people with a nativity scene in your mouthpiece.

The List:

-The first time you ride a bike on your own and think: "I don't need my parents anymore"
-Learning the rules of blackjack and knowing what to do in each circumstance
-Getting your first car and thinking "I don't need my parents anymore"
-Being in high school and having a girl from another school believe everything you tell her about how awesome you are
-The sensation you get when you take the best attempt by a pitcher to get you out and hit a home run. Every person should experience this at least once.
-Having your back scratched by a girl (Not in the 'drawing blood' way)
-Watching your favorite football team on Sunday with your boys
-Making fun of what your buddy did the night before during the commercials
-Lucky Charms
-People who can quote lines from the Big Lebowski
-Chipotle burritos
-Moving back into your parents' house and realizing "thank God for my parents"
-Being the reason people are laughing with you and accepting it when they are laughing at you
-The fact that we have the best computer nerds in the world and they are the reason you can find anything on the internet.com
-Hot streaks
-Farting in public. I don't care who you are, its always funny.
-ESPN
-Girls wearing sundresses
-People Watching at a bar
-Family Guy
-That one friend that everyone has that miss-uses words all the time but gets away with it because he sounds so sure
-Getting drunk and feeling invincible
-Getting drunk and feeling invisible
-When the girl you like calls you back
-Getting over it when she doesn't
-Star Wars
-The satisfaction you get when someone you don't like gets called out for lying in front of a bunch of people
-Receiving compliments about your talent
-Shrimp and Cocktail Sauce
-Being the expert in the room
-Winning an argument
-Wes Anderson movies and people that get them.
-Everyone having different versions of the same story
-Repeat customers
-Madden Football
-Rednecks with racing stripes and ridiculous base on their cars that are suped up to sound like airplanes taking off. Free Comedy
-Toasted Everything Bagels
-1980s music
-being known as a great dancer
-Having a place to stay in any city you might want to venture to because your boys are awesome
-Getting mugged, robbed, and pink eye in the same city and then returning because you aren't afraid anymore
-writing jokes and telling your comedy friends and having them tell you that they like it
-Doug Powell, Rory Scovel, Jon Mumma, Justin Schlegel, Frank Hong, and Ryan Conner. I'm telling you, there is something so huge coming out of DC.
-New bait and getting digits
-Nintendo
-Boba Fett
-The Lord of the Rings
-Old School Rap
-The girl with the amazing eyes that smiles
-Knowing that the guest room at your friends' place is open for you
-Couples that you root for
- 6-4-3
-Highlights of Magic Johnson running the break
-Watching people watch Larry Poon
-Making fun of southern girls with too many first names
-Michael Jordan
-People going to your site
-coaching a kid and the look on his face when it clicks
-Knowing that what you want to do for the rest of your life is to bring people joy
-All the people that support me and who are there for me no matter what.

Thanks everybody and have a great holiday.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Richmond in the Heezy

I had a lot of fun in Richmond last night. Thanks to the great crowd that came out and thanks to Ray for the spot. Also, big thank you to my boy Tom who traveled from Fairfax to see the show and brought 'mad peeps' as they say on the streets of Richmond.

Warning, this next part is not funny:

I have learned a lesson through blogging and posting things on the internet. Sometimes, even if its not your intent, you can tick people off and make them upset. I need to be more careful with what I post as its hard to convey tone when someone else is reading and its also hard when you have to be purposely vague so that someone doesn't think something negative is written about them. My bad ET.

End unfunny portion.


I love the holiday season for several reasons:

1) Christmas Carols
2) Christmas
3) Festive Decorations
4) Giving/receiving gifts

I hate the holiday season for one reason:

-Evite responses that use the words: "I'll be there with bells on". I hate this. Don't do it. Its not funny and everyone says it and thinks its funny. Don't be unoriginal. You are a hacky evite responder if you say it. I get the idea that you will be there and you plan on being festive. If you need an idea, email me through my website and I will provide you with one free of charge to purge this world of 'be there with bells on' responses. We can do better people. Strive to achieve.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Mirth

35-7. Redskins defeat cowboys. I was in attendance at FedEx Field on Sunday as 93,000 + chanted: "We Want Dallas!" We got Dallas and whooped their asses in a way that I have not seen since I was a child and we had a parade that celebrated the Super Bowl. I have been very clear since that time that I want another parade as I recall the one from my childhood to be the most mirthful occurrence of my life.

The place was so loud on Sunday it was ridiculous. I've never heard it like that before. Truly great experience. I shamed every Dallas fan within earshot and many left in the middle of the 3rd quarter. This brings me to my next point:

The Redskins/cowboys rivalry is one of the biggest in sports. The old Redskins and cowboys hate each other. If you are a Redskins fan, why on earth would you ever allow a ticket to go to a cowboys fan? There are always so many cowboys fans at this game and it boggles my mind that any person who would go through the process of getting tickets, which would leave one to believe that they are a fan of the team and are concerned with its well-being. If you care about the Redskins at all, then you hate the cowboys. That's it. I don't care who it is, you say 'no'. Any other game is fine to bring the guy to, but not this one. It insults the rest of us.

The upside is that we can yell 'Dallas sucks!' really loudly in their faces and they have to take it as their listless team got mooshed. I love the idea that cowboys fans paid to see that.

Note: every time Dallas scores, approximately 1800 children are sexually abused in America. Dallas has scored 49 times this season by touchdown and field goal and about 88,000 cases of sexual abuses are substantiated every year. This is a pretty simple formula.

Go to hell cowboys. Everyone else, please enjoy the mirth.

Tonight, I'm headlining a show at Easy Street Sports Bar in Richmond. Here's the website: http://www.955comedy.com/

Here's the address:
2401 W. Main St.Richmond, VA 23220

Here's a funny word: fard (to paint one's face)

Friday, December 16, 2005

Parties and Etiquette When You Don't Want to See Someone

2nd time this has happened where I have constructed a brilliant blog and it has not been posted. Frustrated like a dizzy blind man...

Here's the basic jist (is there ever a complicated jist? seems to me that's redundant):

I'm going to a couple of huge holiday parties this weekend due to my popularity. At one of these functions, the person that has quickly become my nemesis will be in attendance. Nemsis is the negative to my positive, the unholy to my holy, the person that I would least like to see when I leave the house and I'm sure nemesis feels the same. If you are reading and you think it might be you, fear not as nemesis would never view this space.

So, what does one do?

A) do not attend the party where you know nemesis will be. -Unnacceptable because nemesis wins

B) Attend the party and actively ignore nemesis. -Also unacceptable because it still shows that nemesis has an impact and one must expend loads of energy and effort for a minimal return which leads to another nemesis victory.

C) Attend the party, greet nemesis, exchange forced pleasantries and move on. Many would choose this option. One might be wary of the fact that one might die inside at such an interaction denying one's natural tendency to punch nemesis in the nose and shout obsceneties until one gets kicked out of the party and then goes to nemesis' house and lights a bag of dog poo on fire and watches nemesis stamp it out. To quote my friend Ryan: 'Its not that I hate you, its that I hate the fact that you exist'.

What should one do? I am hoping for the scene from Back to the Future where I trip nemesis and nemesis falls, gets up and gets in my face. I go: "nemesis, what the hell is that?" Then I punch nemesis in the face and throw a could shoulder into nemesis' boys (who are all f*cking terrible by the way) and run out of the place. I steal a kid's skateboard and ride around the area holding onto a car. All onlookers immediately suspend disbelief. Nemesis quickly rallies, chases me, and I elude the pursuers and they all end up in manure. Then I go back into the bar to thunderous applause and go behind the bar and re-enact the scene from Cocktails with Rory where we do poetry about booze and everyone loves it and then 'Highway to the Danger Zone' starts playing as I win the All Valley karate Tournament beating Johnny Lawrence of the Cobra Kai and I leave to go to St. Elmo's Fire's Breakfast Club's All the Right Moves' house.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

My New Thing

I lead the league in unintentional joke stealing. Apparently, I have been doing a David Cross (http://www.bobanddavid.com/) joke for a while and not knowing it. Its not exactly the same but I was told that the premises are pretty much identical. I am going to listen to the joke and decide whether or not I should just throw mine away or change it so its different enough. While it sucks that I may have to get rid of a joke, its pretty cool that I had the same idea as one of the most clever comedians in the world. The guy is hilarious and was responsible for one of the greatest sketch comedy shows of all time (Mr. Show).

My friend was telling me that he had some email exchange with a girl he had met. He invited her to something. It turned out that she couldn't go but responded with an email that really made it seem like she wanted to go but couldn't and that there would be future interactions. He emailed her saying no big deal that she couldn't make it and that they would talk soon. No response. He waited a week and invited her and anyone she wanted to bring to a party this weekend. Nothing.

There are any of a million possibilities of what happened here but I only have one opinion to share on the subject and that is this: Email him back. You can tell him you're busy, you can tell him that you're dating someone, you can tell him anything you want because you, and anyone else, is impersonal over email. No one can see your face. Just type it out. Seriously. Watch this:

"Sorry, sounds like fun but I can't make it. Take Care"

Obviously, she doesn't want to hang out again. No big deal, my boy will move on. This email silence? Unacceptable in today's world.

A lot of girls wonder why a guy gets her number and then doesn't call. This is one of the huge reasons. They are afraid of something like this happening. No one likes to be told no but being completely blown off is just annoying. Why give out the contact info if you really didn't want to be contacted? I know that sometimes it can be more awkward if she says no to giving out the digits which is why my man went for email. In the world of today, people need to be able to respond to emails promptly. This email embargo is just silly. If she is reading, and she could very well be, email the guy. Make up some BS about how 'crazy its been at work' and send something out. Get it done.

Next topic: If any of my readers are politically charged, read this: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/12/14/AR2005121401933.html

Its an opinion piece by George Will. He's a conservative and while I don't hold to a lot of his viewpoints, I couldn't agree more with what he writes here. We have a chance to find and produce almost the exact amount of oil that we import from Saudi Arabia domestically. Anything we can do to get ourselves out of the Middle East is huge for us. One of the reasons we are hated over there is that we are viewed as someone who strips the land of its resources and reward the people with nothing but continued struggles by giving money to the already extremely wealthy. This, above all else should motivate the US to come up with alternative fuels and in the meantime, our own fossil fuels. Drilling in ANWR isn't enough to heat the nation, but its billions of $$ less going to Saudi Arabia from the US and its one less piece of leverage for OPEC to barter with.

I just realized that this wasn't funny. Farty fart fart giggly toodlepoo. That's better.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Nice look

The Pony Tail: for girls, a way to say that she didn't have enough time to spend on her hair. For dudes, a way to say that they are terrible and shouldn't be talked to by anyone because they are going to go ride their moped.

I just rode the elevator with a pony tail guy. If he wasn't some sort of computer tech guy, then he is training to be one. I just cannot imagine the thought process:

"You know what I am missing? A pony tail that's what."

"Hey, I look good now, but I could really look like A) a greasy latino gangster poorly portrayed in a movie B) a stereotypical Hollywood yuppie that visits a small town in a bad movie or C) a Dungeons and Dragons grand master who lives above a comic book store. All I have to do is grow my hair out really long and then tie it into a pony tail."

A conscious decision has to be made to grow one's hair out that long and then make it into a pony tail. My boy Ryan Conner crusades against the fannypack: http://www.ryanconnercomedy.com/blogger.html
but I think this is much worse. At least you can carry stuff in your fanny pack whereas the majority of ponytails cannot support much weight at all.

Men with pony tails should have to marry women with boy haircuts so they even out. Dudes have short hair, girls have long hair. Stop rocking the boat people.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Bupkas

I am going to apologize in advance. I have nothing to write about today. I wanted to write about not having anything to write about but thought that would be too hacky (not as hacky as my Walken, Shwarzeneggar, Bush voices but up there). I decided I would write about the reasons I wish I had the force but then I thought that people would be annoyed because they don't like star wars but then I thought that I wouldn't want to be friends with that person anyway because how could you trust someone that doesn't like star wars?

Here is what I thought of:

I have this problem too so I'm not above it but, I hate reading comedians' bios and reading who they performed with. Its like, "I'm going to drop 4 names and by association, I must be good." This proves nothing to me. I performed with Alan Havey, who is hilarious, he doesn't remember me from a total stranger that goes: "Hey, You're Alan Havey, the guy that performed after Danny Rouhier at the DC Improv".

I don't know what to do about it because it seems to be the standard but I want to develop a system where dudes that suck at comedy don't get to name drop and they just have to drop the names of other sh*tty comics and then they will fall into the earth and be reborn as grass and all will tread upon them as punishment for wasting people's time with jokes about bad credit and weed.

Next person who says "Targe-eh" to me instead of 'Target' is getting punched in the ear.

I will do better tommorow I promise.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Sweetness and Why UHAUL Is Not Sweet

Next week, I'm headlining a show in Richmond at the Easy Street Bar and Grill. Here's the website for more info: http://www.955comedy.com/

If you are in Richmond or have peeps down there, inform them of this and attend the show.

More news:


I have been updating my website pretty regularly so there are a few new things to check out. I will wait for the applause to die down. New photos, new attitude, new hotness. www.funnydanny.com. Click, observe, repeat.

My moving experience has taught me a few things:
1) Girls can be as disgusting as dudes. My roommate and I have cleaned up after the two girls who's apartment we moved into for a couple of weeks now. Abominable. They lived in squalor. I don't know exactly what that means but I know its gross. Nothing worse than long multi-colored hairs everywhere that reflect a schotty dye job and poor taste along with the build-up of moldy filth in prominent places. We cleaned and it still looked dirty. So we painted and now it looks OK.

2) UHAUL is the worst company in the history of capitalism. I went to pick up a moving truck yesterday and they didn't have the reservation the guy behind the counter was the most salty, apathetic idiot ever. It was like getting a cat from a tree with a flamethrower trying to get this bastard to lift a finger. He even admitted that UHAUL is the worst company in the world and that he was tired of being 'cussed at all day'. Advice: get a new job. There has to be a market for someone with your training. Become a bathroom attendant at a club (see previous post)...
They didn't have my reservation but 10 to 1 I still get billed. They capitalize on the fact that you don't move all the time and that you'll recognize the name. They continue to get business despite being the most poorly run outfit in America. Look it up, they suck.

3) I rank moving just ahead of 'major surgery' for things that I would least like to go through. Why is it so painful? Why is it always so horrible? Why can't girls who used to live in my new apartment clean up after themselves and take all of their stuff with them when they go? I am bitter about this people.


There will be more funny stuff later this week.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Accidents

I almost got into an accident this morning. I was going up a hill and was having trouble because it hadn't been plowed. A huge truck (which may have been salting/sanding) is coming down the hill at me and A) doesn't look like it can stop and B) there is not enough room for both of us on the road. I swerved over to the side and ended up stuck in an 'icy crevasse'. It took me 40 minutes to walk back to my house, round up some neighbors, come back to the car, push it onto the road, reverse back down the hill, get lectured by my mother about how to go over hills in the snow, thank everyone, and get on my way to work. My new goal in life is to be important enough so that when I utter the phrase: 'working from home' people don't burst out laughing assuming that means sleeping until noon followed by 4 hours of Madden.

Speaking of Madden, I won my 4th straight Super Bowl in Franchise Mode last night. Really tough game against a well coached Tennessee team. They knew that my defensive weakness is stopping jumbo offensive sets with multiple tight ends because it negates my edge rushers who set records for sacks this year. Going into the off-season, everything looked good. Well it wasn't. Shawn Springs, after dropping 2 full rating points upon turning 34, decided to hold out. Come on Shawn. Springs is a DC guy who I was going to keep through the end of the huge extension I signed him to. He was at least slated to stick around and mentor his replacement (a kid I drafted out of UCLA that was dynamite in the preseason) but this is how he wants to go out? He wouldn't budge and I couldn't afford to up his deal so I had to trade him and take a huge cap hit. Hope you're happy on a last place team now big guy.

If any of you have gotten this far, I am sorry. To make it up to you, here is a site that I have had more fun on over the past week than any other site in history except for the one site that I can't find anymore where the fat kid pretends to be a jedi and almost falls over a dozen times while swinging a pole around... http://www.4q.cc/t/

Go to it, make up facts, judge others, observe the top facts, chill, and serve.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Moving Sucks

I am moving into a new place in Glover Park which is good. The act of moving though, is like being punched at a high school party in front of a chick that you are trying to impress and then she hooks up with a senior because she is a social climbing slut.

The chicks that had the apartment before me didn't get along. One told the other she was moving out 1 week before the date. Awkward. The apartment is a complete mess. It looks like they were playing roller dirby around the rooms as there are skid marks on the walls. The rest of the place is filthy as well. This is not the worst of it. The one girl left her bed and giant, home-made wooden bed frame. I was really clear that I had no interest in these items being there but there they are. I called to ask what the deal was and finally talked to this girl's mom who starts into: "well, my daughter has final exams and she has just gotten sick and she's also got this art show coming up..." Basically, giving me this 'woe is me' routine as to why they can't deal with this egregious act of laziness.

Not my problem lady. Hey it sucks, but you know what else sucks? Me having to clean up the mess your irresponsible daughter made in the apartment when she was probably to busy getting mowed by a grad student to break out a f*cking vacuum. Excuses are like a$$holes, everyone has one and they all stink.

My roommate and I are going to pressure the property manager to use the girl's security deposit to hire a cleaning crew to deal with the mess they made. I cannot imagine a dude trying to pull this BS. This girl is trying to get away with the 'damsel in distress' act and its infuriating. Feminists, you want gender equity? Then make this helpless girl and all the rest like her out there run through a gauntlet of wooden paddles until they can learn some f*cking responsibility. I'll still hold the door open because I'm polite and I'll pay for dinner because I asked you out but I'm into treating people like equals. If you don't want to be treated like a barefoot, kitchen attendant that's waiting to have kids, take care of your business.

Monday, December 05, 2005

New York Welcomes Funny Danny

I rolled up to NYC this weekend for an annual holiday festivus of debauchery known as the Boondoggle. This party is always wondrous. 2 years ago, I threw up in a trash can. Tight.

I will post a few photos on the blog once I download them and there will be some pics on my site as well.

The party featured a 'top shelf open bar'. This is one of the things in my life that I pretend to be excited about as it sounds great but I really have no idea what this means. I understand the concept of the best booze being included but I have no idea what to get as I drink beer when I go to bars. I don't know the names of all the brands that are considered to be high level. I do know that Captain Morgan's cannot be good because I hate the commercials.

I took an informal poll as to what I should consume at this party. My boy Ben, who is a polished urban gentleman with strong metrosexual tendencies, recommended a 'Grey Goose and soda'. I tried one, decided I liked it, then had 50 of them. I was in the invincible drunk stage for the entire night. Amazing. I was terribly hungover in the morning but it dissipated rapidly as the day progressed. Perhaps this was due to the good booze? I will never know because there is no way I can afford to drink that stuff again.

There was much humor at this gathering. I would ask various people (only girls as I have no reason to talk to strange dudes with the exception of needing to disarm a dude that might be protecting a girl) if they would like to be in a photo for my website. All seemed very enthusiastic about doing this so many photos were taken. Many would ask what website and I would reply: "I can't tell you that".

It is not known how I got back to my buddy's apartment. When he returned, he found me snoring on the couch with the door to his apartment ajar and all the pizza in a 3 block radius eaten. Cannot tell you how I got there. I do know that I walked around in the snow as my coat and shoes were damp in the morning. Invincible.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Ewwwww

There was a good crowd at the Topaz Bar last night for the weekly open mic. I provided them with a fine sh*t burger for their trouble. I'm not sure when I lost them exactly, but I think it was in between my poorly constructed joke about NASCAR Lap counters and my joke about kidnapping and abusing a fat girl. These are usually winners...oh my God I need to quit doing comedy.

I am going to New York City this weekend. My boys Pat and Ben with some other dudes throw a filthy party ever year called the Boondoggle. Please note that this party is known for its filth.

If there are no good stories to tell, it will be because the audience didn't laugh at my joke about mix cassette tapes...

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Dremos

The show at Dr. Dremos in Arlington (easily one of the if not the best open mic in the DC area) last night really stunk. I was ungood. The crowd was not into the show at all. This was made worse by a couple of the comics yelling at the crowd and some other comics stopping their sets and calling out people who were talking to pass the time while said comic was bombing.

This never helps win a crowd over and it certainly doesn't help the rest of the comics on the show. Recognize that the crowd is going to be tough and work hard to get something out of it. If you get laughs on a night like last night, you have something. Rory got up after me and killed with 2 new jokes which means those are viable, funny bits.

You can have fun with a crowd like that but don't start cursing at the audience when you're set isn't going great because you lose everyone and ruin the show for the next few comics.

I tried to give a new comic advice last night and it came out like an awkward pick-up attempt which threw her off and reaffirmed the fact that I am awkward around female comics and am also awkward around females.

Jeff Maurer should be a writer for a Late Night Talk Show. He has been doing comedy for like 25 minutes and he's already one of the best joke writers that lives.