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Below you will find the following elements: mirth, joy, humor, mockery, insinuation, sport, politics, comedy, rants, awkwardness, opinions, communacable disease, self-promotion, and lingo. Enjoy.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Sports

I was trying to not write about sports for a while. It was hard. Sports are awesome and it makes us better than people that don't have cool sports.

The world cup is coming very soon. It starts June 9th. The US has, in my opinion, a terrible draw. We have the Czech Republic who is nasty, Italy, who has been slumping but is also nasty, and Ghana. Despite all of our progress, we might not make it past the first round. This would suck. I feel like the US needs a successful run to really get momentum going for us to become one of the really elite teams in the world. Brazil should win the whole thing because they are filthy. The gay Brazilian guy at the gay hardware store by my house told me: "'diss team isss the mos' team in de worl' " I did not understand this but the dude was helpful when it came to finding the little foam pads you put next to a window AC unit to keep the cold in.

The NBA playoffs have been as good as any I can remember. Basketball is beautiful again. The damage done by the 90s version of the game (slow down, halfcourt, clutch and grab, hand-checks, back down post players) has been replaced with fast paced play, great ball movement, good shooting, and some wonderful young stars. Mirth.

Albert Pujols is the best hitter alive right now. There are a lot of reasons why I can say this (walk to K ratio, slugging %, batting average, and the HRs this year.) I have argued this, and I said it before the season started, we are watching the man who will go down in history as the greatest right handed hitter of all time. It seems he is driving the ball more this year and sacrificing a few BA points to hit more balls in the air. I think is completely on purpose as his team needs him to drive the ball out of the park more as Rolen has been hurt and Edmonds is showing affects of age and injuries. If you like baseball, watch, if you don't, move to Baltimore and grow lacrosse hair.

This post was not funny. What is funny is that I have to go back onto craigslist and find another roommate. I don't mean this is 'funny ha ha'. Its more funny like: "No I will not go out with you. If you call here again, I'll have you killed."

I hate horse racing. Every year, whoever wins the Kentucky Dirby, all the horse people start talking about the chances of a triple crown and that's all you hear about until the horse loses at the Preakness. Its so stupid. Who's your favorite horse of all time? Oh really, you don't remember who was in it last year do you? Its no longer relevant in American sports and should not be covered. It has morphed into a social event for drunken 'wish I was still in college' 20-somethings to wear silly gear and get red faced and boozed. I don't care who wins unless I bet on it which I don't because its dumb.

And scene.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Wedding Crashers

My boy Mike O'Connor continues to pitch well for the Nationals. He has not given up more than 3 runs in any start this year. Pretty awesome. His record stands at 2-3 and he has an ERA of 3.00. That is how you keep yourself in the bigs. View knowledge here:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/05/29/AR2006052901035.html/

Below is FunnyDanny's helpful guide to huge weddings in Atlanta when one of your best friends that you've known since you were 5 gets married.

1) It will be 1000 degrees when you stand in your suit and white dinner jacket at the front of the church during the wedding. You will drip sweat off your fingers and glisten for the entire group assembled. I am asking for the start of a movement. I've had enough of this. Memorandum to all churches and weddings: Jack up the AC so that men don't die. Even dudes that weren't under the spotlight were sweating profusely. Place a little sentence on every RSVP card: "Attention ladies, bring a wrap as the temperature in the church is going to be cool...like movie theater in the 80s cool so that the dudes don't sweat through their clothes and feel uncomfortable for the rest of the night."

2) Why is #1 a big deal? here's why: I almost fainted. I was up there, under the heat lamps with 1000 blow torches in my tux, pouring sweat. The priest was in the midst of several prayers. After one particular amen, I raised my head thinking he was done. As I lifted my head, I saw those little black stars you see when you get up to fast or have been hit in the head, my knees buckled, and I took a half step back. I caught myself and hit a bridesmaid's shoulder. 'That's how I pray' I told her later.

3) You will eat some of the most wondrous food throughout the weekend. Everything will be fried and be extremely tasty. You will feel like a sloth upon completion of the weekend.

4) You will be drunk for 3 straight nights

5) You will get a funny sunburn pattern on your face

6) Everyone will compliment you about the job you did as the emcee of the toasts and speeches (speeches, happy now JL you spell-checking ba$tard). You will have done a good job and are worthy of their praise. You will begin to brainstorm about the possibilities of turning this into a business. You will realize its not really possible, but a nice idea.

7) Your roommate on the trip will be one of your best friends in from LA. He will at one point debate going out in a pony tail. You will do your best to remain calm...

8) You will have an absurd after party in the hotel bar where the bartender will speak little to no english and take an eternity to fill drink orders but you won't care because you are drunk and mirthful.

9) All of your boys will make the trip and be part of filth.

10) A circle will form around you. You will be called upon to dance. You will do so because you are a dancer. Others will join. Your boy will do the worm...picture it...yesssssss.

11) You will hope that said display was videotaped and that you are able to acquire it.

12) On the way home in the car, you will analyze ever aspect of the wedding. You will realize that it was incredibly mirthful on such a large scale. Your friend Lucie will ride in the back seat and not participate for the majority of the car ride.

13) You will have soreness and not be able to explain the cause.

14) You'll be broke and Rory will have to pay for your lunch today.

Congratulations Michel and Steele! We all had an amazing time.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Blog in Brief

Last night, we had the rehearsal dinner for my boy Michel. It was incredible. I emceed the speeches and toasts. I crushed. My best set since January at Dremos where I talked to a fat girl who wouldn't stop talking and everyone got that she was being made fun of and she didn't.

When a dude goes to a public urinal and pulls his pants all the way down to his ankles and goes potty, its called a "DC Flyer". I saw this in person last night. Say what you want about the south but...that's it actually. Say whatever you want.

I recovered a dude's credit card that he had left behind at the bar. It was a good thing to do. He goes: "yyuuuuuu...rrrrr...the f****kkkkking man! Brother...you're the f*cking dog! Lemme buy you a f*cking drink!"
I go: "I already bought a couple on your card. Thanks ______ ______"

Weddings were tons of your friends are present are joyous. Fact.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Blog Hiatus

I shall not be blogging again until Tuesday, May 30th. I journey this evening to the ATL for my boy Michel's wedding. The wedding is going to be huge and tons of my buddies will be in attendance.

Predictions:

Mirth, filth, 1 hospital visit, lots of finger foods, awkward hitting on southern honies, suspect game by reasonable dudes, 2 irrevocable stains, 4 safety pins in play, at least 1 pantheon hangover, at least 3 lost or broken cufflinks, and 1 inexplicable smell.

I bid you all adieu until Tuesday. If you have XM radio, my boys Rory Scovel and Ryan Conner will be on it Friday night at 10:30. I'm on there every once in a while too but not this show because I had a crappy set on the show that they recorded. And by crappy, I mean that I killed and am really hurt they didn't pick me also.

Recap on Tuesday. Holler

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Redemption Song...

On the plus side, Monday nights are my own again. 24 will no longer have a choke hold on my schedule. The deuce hour finale last night was rated a 14 on the mintness scale (as a side, 14 is the best number you can have. The formula is complicated. For example, 88 is a terrible # because Michael Irvin wore it and he cheated every time he caught a pass but 44 is a mint # because John Riggins wore it and he destroyed men).

Elements of tightness:

1) Robocop knew how to de-program the missile launch codes on a Russian submarine. Again, was Robocop tighter than Jack Bauer? Whammy.

2) Jack Bauer giving Robocop the gun with the empty chamber and then executing the 'double tap' wherein Robocop esta muerto. (I would stipulate that Robocop would have been able to tell that the clip was empty by the weight and he would have checked because of his tightness but it worked fine on the show)

3) The neck-scissor move on Bierko by Bauer made me want to bring children into this world so that they too could enjoy the fruits of tightness. I screamed outloud like when a shaolin monk does a Buddhist Palm to a dude's chest and dude dies and all you can do is scream if you're the monk because you executed such a filthy move and people saw it and now they know they can never step to you ever and you now have the ultimate rep because of the tightness of your maneuver.

4) 1st Lady Martha Logan (Mogan) duping President Logan (Progan) was tight. As soon as Jack Bauer was apprehended, my boy Ramsey goes: "He put a device on the pen". We're all like: "No, it was the cell phone"...Rams was on point right there. It was an incredible 24 hours for Mogan. She went from druggie in exile, to almost killed in a limo, to capping a crooked secret service dude, to hating Progan, to druggie in exile, to boning Progran to stall for time, to getting threatened by her husband, to be the hero of the season. Wow. Kudos Mogan, you proved your worth. Although, I must say, there were many times this season where I could have done just as well without 'Sally Slow Down' on screen. Still, she goes and does something like this...and totally redeems herself!

5) Chloe O'brien made the 'Chloe O'Brien face' 1.7 million times at last count during this season. it involves an awkward positioning of the shoulders in a super-tense position and then a combo 'Renee Zelwigger mousey scrunch face' with the 'I just smelled a fart but I can't say anything face'. Chloe was on point last night. Handled the situation. I like her and I miss Edgar.

6) Less than 2 hours after Audrey Rizzle lost a gallon of blood, she was out in a white blouse with a black bra. Memorandum to everyone: That is hot. Some would consider it 'trashy'. Stop judging.

7) The 'Mr. Bauer, you've got a call from your daughter' was suspect. Who was she calling? "Hello, Federal Marshall's hotline, yeah, my father is a covert secret agent who I walked away from earlier today with an uber-sensitive douche...yeah, he was supposed to be dead but now he's back and he's been handling stuff all day...yeah, I know its really early in the morning and no one my age gets up at 6:50 AM and decides to call their father who they told to get out of their life 12 hours before...no, I know its weird...can you just locate him for me even though the fact he's alive is totally classified and then send the call to a land line in an awkward warehouse? Sure, I'll hold..." Not so sure about that. I don't like it when men of tightness are duped by simple things. I knew the call to be false instantaneously and I am not as tight as Jack Bauer (this dude was in the luggage area of the plane and grabbed some chords and was steering it 3 hours ago...).

8) My friend Lucie goes: 'Its the Chinese...' and it was. When the lead guy starts talking to Jack Bauer, who has been beaten within an inch of his life, my boy Quinn goes: "Who's that?" I go: "David Lo Pan". Quinn goes: "I don't get it". I go: "Shutup Mr. Burton! You were not brought upon this world to get it." One of those perfect storm moments when everything just comes together and a movie quote is perfectly placed. Its the type of thing you dream about. If you don't get it, go here.

Out.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Funny Danny's guide to Shooting a Commercial


As I mentioned, I shot a commercial yesterday. If all goes according to plan, many shall witness it. Not spoiling what it was for or why they picked me but, suffice to say, the occurrence was mirthful and I believe the product shall be tight upon completion which will lead to airtime which will lead to people thinking that I am tight or the biggest D-bag in the history of life. Either way, television b*tches.

Points of information:

1) You will have to go to the bathroom 37 times. At least, I had to. I am unable to explain this and I assume that everyone experiences this when they shoot a commercial because I am very self-centered.

2) Its helpful to have a tight director/producer named Jim Jones be responsible for the commercial shoot. Jim is the hotness. He recognizes the humor and also sees that others have the humor and allows said humor to come forth. This leads to mirth.

3) The commercial shoot will take several hours. Many people will constantly be upset with you for screwing around...They will not have patience with you because you are ADD and even less when you tell them you are a comedian.

4) Lunch will be pizza

5) There will be a girl that looks like a combination of Jasmine Guy and Flora from the Real World. She will be very nice and think you are funny and she will know that she looks like both women got together for some Brundle-style gene-splicing (reference to 'The Fly'. Jeff Goldblum's 3rd greatest role. Behind the awkward nerdy dude in Jurassic Park and the television voice for 'Duke Nukem' on the new Captain Planet). I have attached pictures of both women at the top of the page. Imagine them combining...do it now...I'll wait...

6) If you are a woman and you live near Bethesda, there is a super game tight stylist you must see. Fact. She is hot and her name is Heather. Salon Central. 301 767 1077. Look them up and go there. She is mint.

7) You will wear makeup and be uncomfortable doing so. Heather will make it so that its OK

You should now be able to shoot a commercial. Hope this guide was helpful.

Last tidbit: The hyatt show on Saturday night was unbearably awesome. Memo to the universe: if you can go somewhere and see Jon Mumma, Rory Scovel, Jared Stern, Ryan Conner, and Danny Rouhier, you go there and you see them.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

I Was in A Commercial That You Will See

I will recap fully tomorrow. Suffice to say, I am tight and so is the series of commercials we shot. Word

Friday, May 19, 2006

Politics and Prose

I am a political dude. I majored in political science and have opinions on anything you can imagine. My exceptionally liberal friend sent me the following link to a chart which demonstrates some of the changes in the political pulse of the country. http://www.surveyusa.com/50State2006/50StatePres060515Net.htm

It basically illustrates that an awful lot of people are pretty unhappy with the Republican party and President Bush. I can certainly understand that. The most glaring thing to me on this chart are the 'red' states that supported Bush have turned on him so dramatically.

What I don't really like is how short-sighted a lot of people are. Its unfair to try and judge the impact an administration has had while its still in office. One can of course disagree with policy decisions, personnel decisions, and the like but to try and classify an administration while its still in office is fruitless. Because our system is incremental (small changes over time instead of the wildly swinging regimes of other countries) its very difficult to measure how an administration has done without significant time passing.

I've heard many Democrats now discuss the Clinton era like its some sort of utopian golden age for America. They point to a budget surplus, no wars where the US has made huge commitments (I would debate this but that's what they say), low gas prices, an economic boom etc. The Clinton era, in my mind was responsible for a lot of good (I am a huge free-trader ergo, NAFTA was mint, and Clinton also reformed welfare). It is my prediction that he changed the Democratic party by separating from several core constituencies and forcing them to move to the center. In 50 years, we will have seen a dramatic shift in Democrats and we will point to the Clinton era as the beginning of that shift.

Which constituencies? Great question reader. He straight up abandoned his factory workers (auto workers and such) with NAFTA. Basically, he gave the green light to outsource cheaper labor to drive down costs. The result? It keeps consumer confidence high and prices down so we keep spending $ which drives our economy. The other result? We have an enormous boom in illegal immigrants as our borders are more open than ever and they are willing to take the cheapest jobs. The point is, there are bi-products that always get passed onto the next administration. Now, Bush is stuck with a mess that Clinton left for him but because it didn't happen under Clinton, Bush gets the blame.

To be clear, I am not a Bush fan. There's a lot I don't like about him. Amidst all the bumblings of his administration, I still think he has gotten a raw deal. Follow me on this. A lot of people are upset about our involvement in Iraq, and justifiably so. Its never pleasant to be at war. But, think about this: would we be there now if Clinton had been more aggressive in the foreign policy department? The answer is no.

The thing that people forget is that for all his ability as a hands on domestic president, drawing people together as a communicator even while taking less than popular stances, Clinton was as soft internationally as any president we have ever had. He had shots at bin Laden, he had chances to take down Saddam, he pulled back on defense spending by almost 1/3; basically, he created the climate that we deal with today. If you doubt me, read Ghost Wars by Washington Post editor Steve Coll. Clinton had his chances but was too much of a wuss to take them.

I guess I got sidetracked. The point is that Democrats need to simmer down when talking about the golden years of Clinton and criticizing Bush for dealing with what was left for him. Clinton enjoyed the boom cycle of our cyclical economy and sacrificed international clout and security for cheaper gas prices. We're paying for that now. Also, when the Democrats sweep into office starting this year, I'm anxious to see where we go. I hope they can get on the same page.

And scene...

Bethesda Hyatt tomorrow night. 8PM. 7400 Wisconsin Ave. Good talk

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Road Trippin

Fun times yesterday driving to and from Richmond with Kojo Mante, Andy Haynes and Rory Scovel. Driving places by yourself honks but road tripping with comedy buddies is mirthful and should be done be others.

Also, trying to win a comedy contest and having to go first is like hitting on a hot girl with her boyfriend standing next to her with his hand on her buttocks. Its going to be ugly and its pointless to even try. Its better to make a mockery of the situation and talk about the dude's metrosexual classic oxford button-down with the extra button undone to reveal some fake-tanning and trimmed chest hair...

I just checked on this, and the show lineup on Saturday night at the Hyatt is the greatest comedy lineup in this history of comedy shows ever created since the beginning of people doing activities started when the humans outlasted the dinosaurs in a power struggle that was turned to humanity by the advent of gunpowder by the Chinese and air supremecy from the Wright Brothers who are from Ohio.

Jon Mumma
Rory Scovel
Ryan Conner
Danny Rouhier

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Congratulations Mummer!

Congrats to my boy Jon Mumma. He won the DC Improv Open Mic Contest Finals last night. He had an awesome set and deserves all the credit in the world for working really hard to become an awesome comic.

Rory Scovel and myself are headed down to Richmond for another competition. I don't know much about it but I do know that if Rory wins and I lose, I'm not going to talk to him on the ride back. He can have air conditioning but I can't.

I realize I have not done a 24 blog this week. Jared Stern covered everything much better than I ever could have said it yesterday. His Star Wars analogy is apt! APT I tell you!

My boy Ramsey brought up the following (albeit during the show over dialogue) wondrous debate. He threw this out there:

Robocop is tighter than Jack Bauer.

Robocop has escaped several times, refuses to fold under questioning even with pounds of substances that make mortals fold, and, in this past episode, Jack busted up the tight game that Robocop had going on that Molina (Bierko's boy). I don't have an answer. Can't they both be tight?

I predicted to my boy Justin Schlegel last week that Bierko would become a kind of ally as he would realize that Progan set him up and want to take him out. It seems I was wrong about that as Bierko now has control of a submarine with missiles that blow up city blocks.

Shoot the presidential compound big dog. Come on, do it. Take out the first lady and Progan. You know you want to. Come on...come on...

While it would honk that Aaron Pierce would have to die in this explosion, its a small price to pay for the 1st lady of pills to be taken out.

Last thought. My girl Audrey Rizzle, has her vein split open and loses 1 million pints of blood an d*mn near dies. Within an hour and a half, she's back on the floor looking tight. Big Ups and such.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Este Noche

I'm at the DC Improv tonight. I'll be performing a guest set at the end of the Finals of the Open Mic Competition. The show will be awesome as there are several of the best young comics in the country on the show and I will make it more awesome with my awesomeness at the end. Check out www.dcimprov.com for details and awesomeness.

Tix ar $12 and there are still a few available. Get them and then come to the show and then laugh.

Holler

Monday, May 15, 2006

Ohio Gozimas

I was in Ohio this past weekend featuring at the Funny Farm Comedy Club for headliner Andy Hendrickson. Andy is an awesome dude, a great comic, and a booze hound. I had a great time hanging out with him and engaging in filthy dancing maneuvers. Andy has a fancy pants camera and he took some video of me dancing after I drank 40,000 beers. Note: Your Funny Danny is a fantastic dancer. Like haha funny? No seriously, I am fantastic. It was kinda dark but I think he's gonna be able to put the footage on the internet.com so look out for that shizzle.

As I mentioned, I drank the entire state of Ohio on Friday night. There were a few shots involved in addition to the sea of beers I drank. I was absosmurfly hammered. I passed the level of 'Invincible Drunk' and moved to 'Possible Prophet'. Have you ever been so drunk that you invent a religion? I think I did on Friday night. I remember getting up on a barstool and getting everyone's attention. Next thing I remember, I woke up and there were 5 men standing around my bed wearing robes, top hats, and moccasins, listening to MC Hammer on their Ipods...I started that...we worship dance moves...

I had the laziest Saturday on record. I was so hungover that everything sounded disgusting. I call this 'the yucks'; where everything sounds too gross to do. This tired me out so I took a nap. 5/13/06...ranks as the 8th least productive day of my life behind the first 3 days after I was born, the day after the bar crawl sophomore year of college, the day the Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time came out on N64 and I played it for 22 of the 24 hours, the day after my x told me she was having feelings for her x and I played a super sweet game of 'doubt yourself', and the day I went 0 for 6 and made 3 errors including one that cost us the game and everyone of my teammates gave me the 'Seriously? Dude...seriously?' look.

I'm doing a guest set at the DC Improv Contest Finals on Tuesday. Should be awesome because that show is awesome. Check out the info at www.dcimprov.com. Wednesday, some other comics and me are doing this thing in Richmond. Sounds cool. Saturday night, I'm at the Bethesda Hyatt because I'm like that. One.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

New Layout

3 of my 8 readers have commented on the new layout. Its new and its a layout. Those are its best features. I was having some kind of weird issue yesterday with publishing so in trying to fix it, I irrevocably screwed up everything. I don't mean like, 'the fonts are strange'. I mean like, 'Dr. Emmit Brown is talking about the end of the space/time continuum type stuff'.

I detonated the old, and chose a new design. One that makes it look like I'm going to write about cooking and comment on why 'everyone is so stupid'. Sample blog:

"Why is everyone so f*(&*(^*Cking stupid? If I had wanted mustard on my mother f*(&*(cking hot dog I would have asked for it. Why the f^&*^&ck does everyone like mustard?"

Stuff like that.

Headed to Youngstown Ohio this weekend to do some shows with headliner and tennis player Andy Hendrickson. The shows are at the Funny Farm Comedy Club and should be the best shows on record for Senor Swing State.

Final thought: Something big is in the works. I cannot say what it is because I don't even know but I do know that the loser can never look the winner in the eye again without feeling shame. Shame like when a clown at a birthday party gets pantsed...

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

I Hit A Woman With My Car

Yup. I did. This morning, coming to work, I was inching forward...looking left...
waiting for traffic to pass...inched forward...looking left...
inch forward...look right...nothing...look left...cars coming...inch...inch...right...nothing...let...cars...inch...
right...nothing...left...inch...Clear...oh SH*T!

A woman was crossing in front of me. She was literally 6 inches from the front of my car. The crosswalk was well behind me. She passed in front of my car. When it was clear, I moved about 4 feet before I stopped. She was 6 inches from my car when I started. This means I hit her if you can't visualize it. Instead of going onto the hood as you'd expect, she literally bounced off my car went into the air and landed 2 feet in front of my car. Which means she traveled almost 6 feet sideways and landed on her feet. I'm not rocking a porsche, so the acceleration wasn't melting my face off, but still, solid impact.

I get out of the car, completely freaked out. Conversation here:

Me: "Oh my God, are you OK?"

Lady that had just been hit by a CAR! (LTHJBAC!): ".......Ummmmm, (patting herself on the legs and arms like she lost her car keys) yeah...I...Yeah"

Me: "Oh my God, I am so sorry! Are you sure that...I mean you're OK?"

LTHJBAC!: (Still patting herself in disbelief) "Yeah...yeah...I'm OK"

Me: "Do you need me to call you an ambulance or anything?"

LTHJBAC!: (patting...) "No...no...I think...No, I'm OK"

Me: "Oh my Gosh...Well...can I help you with anything? Can I carry your bags? (If you said awkward, you're right!)

LTHJBAC!: (still....patting) "No...Its OK...I'm just going right there (building is 9 feet away)"

Me: "I'm so sorry...I was inching out in traffic...I mean, I never saw you...I was...I mean I thought that someone would go behind me if they...I am so sorry..."

LTHJBAC!: "No...yeah...Its OK...I'm OK...(patting)

Me: "Do you want my insurance information or something?" (What's or something? Is she supposed to say 'no insurance, but I would like some fashionable outerwear'...man I'm an idiot)

LTHJBAC!: (stops patting...) "No...I...No...I'm fine...Its fine...Let's be more careful..." (resumes patting)

Me: "OK, I am so sorry...I'm glad you're OK...so...OK...Well...All right...(she starts walking to her building. Do I say goodbye?)...Ummm...Take it Easy (Good one a$$)

That was my morning.

Out.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

This Is Why You Don't Employ Super Gay Robot Voice Men...

Blogger is acting shady today. I'll put his photo up later. Who's photo? Super Gay Robot Voice Man, that's who. You knew that you couldn't trust Super Gay Robot Voice Man, you just knew it. You could smell that he was going to blow the whole thing up.

There are 3 24 episodes left this season so you knew stuff wasn't getting resolved last night. You knew it wasn't going to work out that easy. The frustrating thing was the manner in which it didn't work out. I was hoping that Robocop had pulled a switch or Bierko was in control of it somehow. I found it to be severely beat that Super Gay Robot Voice Man got to delete the recording with a device. My solution? Not sure it solves anything, but I beat the living snoop dog out of Super Gay Robot Voice Man. I do not stop whooping him until I get tired and at that time, I tag in Curtis to strike him for making me tired.

How badly were you rooting for Progan to blow himself away? Did it make you feel like kind of a scumbag? I felt dirty afterwards but justified.

Overall, I was of course pleased with the show as it continues its tightness. However, I have the following issues with last evening's broadcast:

1) I saw Bierko escaping from a mile away. No chance.

2) Audrey's dad lived through the crash? Felt like it was much tighter that he made the sacrifice. 10 to 1 he comes back within a couple of hours like he wasn't even in a crash. Secretary Heller (Seller) should have stayed dead. A little too convenient.

3) Random Marine On Duty Man didn't even look at everyone's driver's license in the car after Curtis picked up Jack. I get not having time to look run them through security checks, but take a gander at a photo ID big dog. You're under orders. I also, don't like it when Curtis has a lot of lines. He is not as tight an actor as the others when he has to speak for extended periods. Still love that dude though and wish that we were friends and we could talk about what the Wizards need to do in the offseason and if there is anyway that we can put a trade together for a big man or sign Al Harrington.

4) I have a triple secret hope that the Wizards put a deal together for Jermaine O'Neal. I just invented this rumor. Jamison, Haywood, and Jared Jeffries for O'Neal, Croshere, and Jeff Foster. We take on the bad contract of Croshere and they get 3 good players...we also get O'Neal. Starting 5 of Arenas, Daniels, Butler, Jermaine O'Neal, and Etan Thomas with Andray Blatche, Michael Ruffin, Croshere, and Foster off the bench. That team is the #2 or 3 seed in the East next year. Nothing to do with 24 I just realized.

I cannot wait for Jack to discover the dude that is pulling Progan's strings, Super-Serious Bald Earpiece Man. Mint interrogation of Robocop to follow. I believe that Jack acquires the name of Super Serious Bald Earpiece Man and apprehends him. I also bet that Bierko becomes some kind of strange ally because he realizes that he has been set up by Progan and Robocop. Pumped about this.

Out.

Monday, May 08, 2006

The Few...The Proud...The Honies

My girl Lil' Babs said the following:

"sorry to say, but guys really aren't that difficult to figure out in my opinion...what you say 97.5% of the time is what you really mean. No overanalyzation needed"

Wow. Mark it down. Gentle sirs and maddams, this young lady gets it. This quote has been placed into the jedi archives and filed under 'accurate'. My girl Lil' Babs has stumbled upon some of the greatest truths of western civilization. Giddyup.

-Many women out there are constantly frustrated by men. They say things like: "I just don't understand boys", "why do guys do that?", or "I just can't seem to find a good guy".

-Many women become irritated with men because of behavior they perceive as 'unpredictable'.

-Many women spend a lot of time trying to interpret signals and signs from men.

Case study: 3 honies that I think the world of were hanging out with Funny Danny evening last. All intelligent, all interesting, all table bringers (aka, they bring things to the table). You're resident humorist watched in awe as these 3 young ladies re-hashed the afternoons interactions between honey A and a dude. At first, I thought I was helping by offering advice and trying to close the book and allow said honey to move on and simply allow things to play out. This was false. I was not helping. I was hindering. For these ladies were bound and determined to discuss these things on their own.

Every possible aspect of every facet of every nuance was discussed in extraordinary detail. They went over everything in a level of detail worthy of CSI. 20-something girls should have to solve crimes for a few years. No one would get away with anything ever again. Why has no one suggested this? Anyway, the dude likes her. No conversation needed right? Wrong.

Basic fact rundown:

-Dude likes Girl A
-Girl A was a bit distressed as to how things played out during afternoon events
-Circumstances during said events were not ideal nor conducive to many things

This, in so many words, should be a win for Girl A. She had a good time with someone that clearly likes her. Advantage Girl A.

Here is the basic problem as I see it. Girls like these, as wondrous as they happen to be, are bound by a fatal flaw. They give guys too much credit. They attempt to ascribe female sensibilities on men in an attempt to analyze their behavior. This is a bad idea that will only lead to more confusion and frustration. Here's why:

-Dudes are very simple. Way more simple than girls can even imagine.

What this really means is that dudes are motivated by basic needs. The most important point here is that any erratic, unpredictable, or questionable behavior by a dude is the direct result of him attempting to do what he believes a girl will want him to do. Often times, men get it wrong. Other times, they get it right because it leaves the girl having discussions with her friends about it. Men are forced to balance the PITA (Pain In The A$$) Factor for interactions with girls; ex. how crazy is she? Will there be drama over every interaction? Is she going to make me jump through several hoops and play unbearably frustrating games where she seems interested then isn't?

There is a sliding scale with two factors constantly working. What the male wants (instant gratification and relations on one end, long term relationship on the other), and how much work he is willing to put in with a certain girl (text messages and booty calls on one end, meaningful interactions on the other). The complications come because women invent issues and over analyze things they have no control over.

Another sage honey had this to say:

"if you like someone and they seem into you too - go with it and see what happens - life really isn't that complicated"

Funny Danny fact:

99.9% of girls don't realize, especially those that always seem to have so much trouble 'figuring guys out', is that the only reasons guys have unpredictable behavior is because they are trying to anticipate what women want and this can lead to absolute chaos.

In conclusion, girls are crazy and dudes are simple. Great talk. See you out there.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Events

In the spirit of getting more rooms in the Washington, DC area, we've got a cool show tonight at Tryst in Adams Morgan. The show starts at 11 and should be very cool. Jeff Maurer (first Jeff, I listed you first, can we squash this beef now?), Larry Poon, Jon Mumma, Rory Scovel, Seaton Smith, Ryan Conner, Jay Hastings and Kojo Mante will take the stage. Should be a great show filled with delight and humor.

If you're around, go to it. Tryst is on 18th in that little Adams Morgan strip where people go for happiness.

Purposely short blog today. Varying the length. Word.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Quick Hits

First off, happy birthday baby.

It was pointed out to me recently that I've been doing a lot of sports related blogs lately. I am trying to keep everything varied so I'm not going to talk about sports. I also realize I've just talked about sports but that was only to say that I'm not going to talk about it.

The DC Comedy Community is forced to bid farewell to the Topaz Bar. A great Thursday night room run by the OCD Curt Shackelford. I shall miss Topaz for its overpriced food and the times when I bombed there so horribly, puppies were beaten in Djbouty.

Eating healthy is hard to do and it sucks. I had a 'guilt free chicken sandwich' from chili's today. It came with veggies and some kind of bean soup. I wanted to kidnap the waiter and force him to bring me a burger and fries...Miserableness. But, its bathing suit season...

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Congrats and What if the DMV Was On Steroids and Heroin at the Same Time

First, Congratulations to my college teammate and friend, Michael O'Connor. He got his first major league win yesterday against the powerful New York Metropolitans. Knowledge here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/05/02/AR2006050201720.html

Okie started the game against another former teammate of mine, John Maine. I played with the John the summer after my senior year of high school on a team that went 52-7 and won the 18 and under national title. John did not make the trip to the national tournament because frankly, he wasn't very good at the time. Note: He is now good and I am not. Pretty neat stuff. Okie absosmurfly dealt last night. 1 run on 2 hits with 6 strikeouts in 7 innings pitched. Well done young man. See you Sunday (he's pitching at RFK against the Pirates). Yes, Okie has done more than enough to keep his behind in the bigs for a while. That ladies and gents, is mirth on a stick with a remote and cold beverages at the ready.

Topic change.

I spent this morning at the Social Security Administration. I needed to get a replacement social security card. Memo to everyone: Never ever under any circumstances lose your social security card.

EEEEEWWWWWWWWWW! That place honks. It was me, a long wait, some apathetic workers that were so beaten down and upset at everything, the lowest members of our society, and smells. A potpourri of horrendous smells greats everyone as they walk in, take a number, listen for the next number to be called, look down in horror as the number called is 50 spots before theirs, sit down, get greeted by a different shade of smell, change seats...repeat. 2 hours later, I identified myself by saying:

"I have a driver's license, birth certificate, and passport. What would you like?"

She didn't look at any of them. She just took my application and walked away. I stood there awkwardly for two minutes. She returned and looked up at me and said..."Number # 484!"
This indicated that my time there was done. I gave her a 'I know that you too are immortal, Highlander' nod and rolled out. I should have a new card in 2 weeks. Note: I am not confident in this.

People getting married in cities that I don't live in is just plain selfish on their part. Making plans to travel places is cool like meeting your girlfriend's X and finding out he's a blackbelt that volunteers with sick children after his shifts on call at the hospital.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

24: Resume Building; Showing My Marketable Skills


If you go on an interview, you will need to readily be able to list your marketable skills. I have very few; this is why I am a comedian. Jack Bauer has a gang...here are some:

-I can sneak onto planes
-I said I can sneak onto f*cking planes!
-I can incapacitate the air marshall and make it look like he's asleep
-I can make incredibly quick assessments and decisions weighing all the options
-I can make people do sh*t because they've read my file and know what I'm capable of
-I have a file file that says I'm capable of some ill sh*t
-If people aren't aware of said file, I'm able to quickly summarize the jist by saying that I have a file and since most of them don't have a file, they capitulate to my demands...
-I commandeer stuff and control situations fluidly
-Well versed in PDA technology
-Deals well with adversity
-Never needs to eat or go to the bathroom...

I will now make a sports analogy. On Sunday night, in the midst of an absurd 4th quarter in which Gilbert Arenas scored 20 points in a Wizards victory, Damon Jones checked in for Cleveland for the first time. Arenas, with an incredulous look on his face said to Jones:

"You ain't played the whole game, and you come in now?....You better be ready for me."

This summarizes the interaction between Jack Bauer and the co-pilot. I've been doing this all day and you're gonna come in now? Please. Give it to me or we all die. Smell you later. Spank you very much. Mint.

My favorite aspect of 24 is that dudes who are on 'the good side' act as impediments and are thus, bad guys by default. Of course, I refer to Miles, or Super Gay Robot Voice Man, who is just such a pain in the a$$. Someone needs to incapacitate him. This is one of those times where I wish peeps on the show could just explain things in a frank manor. Super Gay Robot Voice Man could then calm it down a notch and do the right things instead of being all lispy and salty in the way of progress...

24 is the tightness right now (the drug clouded emotional crapsandwiches with the 1st lady notwithstanding). President Logan, Progan, is on the warpath. He is doing an awesome job of making you want him to get taken out. Great job by the dude that plays Progan. I have enclosed a sensitive picture of Progan to make you all remember that this is an actor. Headshots make people look sensitive.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Gutless Idiots

First, the show at the Barking Dog in Bethesda on Saturday night was awesome. Chris White, Jeff Maurer, and George Peacock were all super tight and I did OK to close the show. Great crowd. Bethesda rocks...weirdest thing I have ever said...

Here's the focus of the blog:

The Houston Texans front office are a bunch of gutless idiots and if I was a fan and had tickets, I would be so outraged right now, I would demand a refund of all the money I have given them over the years in good faith that they were trying to put the best product onto the field. The passed on the man pictured, to take Mario Williams, a Defensive End from NC State (which apparently, had the greatest college defensive line of all time as they had 3 first rounders on a 6-5 team) who was 'inconsistent in his production and attitude'. Are you kidding? If Williams is the next Reggie White, and he'd better be to justify this pick, they still passed on a truly unique once in a generation talent. Absurd.

During the weeks leading up to the draft, the Texans negotiated with Bush. It became clear that they were going to have to fork over more $ than they were comfortable with to sign him. So they signed an inferior player and hid behind some BS line about it being a football decision. Lies. The punka$$ owner and management wouldn't fork over the dough upfront to sign Reggie Bush end of story. When Bush fell to New Orleans at #2, people were dancing in the streets.

Its still up for debate as to whether Bush will be a great pro. Time will tell of course. I happen to think that he'll be outstanding; a truly dynamic offensive weapon that can do anything. The draft guru, Mel Kiper, said the following: "If Bush were just a running back, he'd be a first rounder. If he were just a receiver, he'd be a first rounder. If he were just a returner, he'd be a borderline first rounder. The fact that he does all those things means he's an amazing talent." How could you pass on that? How? Because you didn't want to pay for hype? The move pays for itself when you're the national tv game because of the kid or when you sell out pre-season games just to watch the kid play. This is a slap in the face from the owner to the fans that have supported this team with the promise of better days ahead. It was a business decision plain and simple. They assume the fans will get ticked, but keep coming through the turnstyles and support them so they can continue to put a terrible product on the field.

Again, the Williams kid could end up being great. But, its hard to justify picking a guy that had inconsistent production on a D-line that had 3 first rounders 1st overall! Read this: "His motor runs hot-and-cold. He played with more intensity during the second-half of his junior season but still took far too many plays off throughout 2005." That's the knock on him from "Scouts Inc". No way he should be the top pick. Event in history this most closely mirrors: the drafting of Sam Bowie ahead of Michael Jordan in 1984...

Say what you want about Dan Snyder but guys like him, jerry jones (my least favorite figure in sports), Al Davis and others, are all committed to putting a great product on the field and are willing to shell out the money to do so. They would never have made a move like this. They would have ponied up the dough in a millisecond to get the best player available. I propose a class action suit against the Texans by their fans to recoup damages from a team that is not committed to winning. To me, there is a basic agreement between a fan and a team. The team will always try and the fan will always support. When one of those breaks down, the relationship must be severed. The other side of the coin would be for teams to strip fans of tickets if they allow said tickets to go to rival fans. I am totally in favor of this.

Also, sorry if you don't care about football and didn't like this blog. If you didn't like it, please move to Russia where you won't have to worry about football, only political upheaval and secret police. Holler