Yup, they took a saw to my tooth. Cut off the top half and put a replacement tooth on there. It was completely painless and by painless I mean everything hurts. Awesome.
Tonight, I just died in your arms tonight...That was Cutting Crew. But seriously, tonight, Warehouse Theater. Go there. 10:30 start. Geek Comedy Tour 3000
It will be fun with high amounts of Transforming, Hit Points, Elixirs, and nano-technology.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Shabingus
Sorry for the lateness on today's post. I am not at work today because of the absurd pain associated with having a hole in one's tooth. Procedure scheduled for tomorrow.
There is a comedy shabingus tomorrow night at the Warehouse Theater at 10:30. Should be a really fun show as a bunch of my most humorous comedy brethren will be in attendance.
Out.
There is a comedy shabingus tomorrow night at the Warehouse Theater at 10:30. Should be a really fun show as a bunch of my most humorous comedy brethren will be in attendance.
Out.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
There Is A Hole in My...
1) Congrats to Tim Miller, John McBride, and Sharyar Rizvi for finishing in the top 3 last night. Great show at the improv with an awesome lineup. I thought everyone did really well. Especially me. I was great.
2) Thanks to Jaystings and the Improv for having me. Again, I was great.
Now to business. I had expereinced occasional discomfort in a tooth over the course of a week or so. It wasn't much but it was noticeable. I had been subconsciously chewing on the opposite side of my mouth for a week. Yesterday, I took a bite of a bagel. The scream nearly broke windows.
I went to a bathroom and checked in the mirror. To my surprise, there was a hole in my tooth. I say again, a HOLE IN MY TOOTH. What? This is America. This is not Vietnam where holes appear at random. Right there, in the middle of my tooth, you could see through it. Needless to say, any contact is excrutiating.
I went to the dentist this morning for X rays and such. Here is the conversation that transpired:
Dental Attendant Chick (DAC): OK, well...yeah. Looks like you've got a hole in your tooth there. And uh, well it's prob-ly gonna have to come on out of there. So, you can just go ahead and schedule an appointment with a surgeon who can get it out of there for ya...
Me (horrified to the point of wanting to vomit and cry (vry) at the news) : OK...ummm...how does something like this happen? I mean, who has a hole in their tooth? You know? I mean, I looked yesterday, and there was a hole in my tooth. You don't just get holes in your teeth you know?
DAC: You know, it is just one of those things that happens...
Me: .............................................................................................................Thanks.
One of those things that happens? A traffic ticket is one of those things. A burp. A squirrel getting hit by a car. These are things that just happen. People do not just get holes in their teeth and have to have them yanked out of their head by a dude wearing a welder's mask holding a mitre saw and a pair of pliers.
Until then, I eat soup as any chewing feels like I am giving birth through my tooth. Awesome.
I'm still going onstage despite my discomfort. Why? Because I am a comedy soldier...it is also because without the attention I receive, I feel inadequate...and also the soldier thing.
In other news, the Madden Curse is uncanny. I am totally done in a $$$ fantasy football league because Sean Alexander's foot is dead.
2) Thanks to Jaystings and the Improv for having me. Again, I was great.
Now to business. I had expereinced occasional discomfort in a tooth over the course of a week or so. It wasn't much but it was noticeable. I had been subconsciously chewing on the opposite side of my mouth for a week. Yesterday, I took a bite of a bagel. The scream nearly broke windows.
I went to a bathroom and checked in the mirror. To my surprise, there was a hole in my tooth. I say again, a HOLE IN MY TOOTH. What? This is America. This is not Vietnam where holes appear at random. Right there, in the middle of my tooth, you could see through it. Needless to say, any contact is excrutiating.
I went to the dentist this morning for X rays and such. Here is the conversation that transpired:
Dental Attendant Chick (DAC): OK, well...yeah. Looks like you've got a hole in your tooth there. And uh, well it's prob-ly gonna have to come on out of there. So, you can just go ahead and schedule an appointment with a surgeon who can get it out of there for ya...
Me (horrified to the point of wanting to vomit and cry (vry) at the news) : OK...ummm...how does something like this happen? I mean, who has a hole in their tooth? You know? I mean, I looked yesterday, and there was a hole in my tooth. You don't just get holes in your teeth you know?
DAC: You know, it is just one of those things that happens...
Me: .............................................................................................................Thanks.
One of those things that happens? A traffic ticket is one of those things. A burp. A squirrel getting hit by a car. These are things that just happen. People do not just get holes in their teeth and have to have them yanked out of their head by a dude wearing a welder's mask holding a mitre saw and a pair of pliers.
Until then, I eat soup as any chewing feels like I am giving birth through my tooth. Awesome.
I'm still going onstage despite my discomfort. Why? Because I am a comedy soldier...it is also because without the attention I receive, I feel inadequate...and also the soldier thing.
In other news, the Madden Curse is uncanny. I am totally done in a $$$ fantasy football league because Sean Alexander's foot is dead.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
DC Improv Tonight
I just told you where I will be in the title of this blog. I'm hosting the DC Improv Showcase. As most of you know, in general, I hate comedy contests like I hate racism. But, the DC Improv Contest is a bit different. It basically gives the club a chance to look at new comics. That is really it. So, this one is a good thing. I won this shabingus many moons ago and I have sky-rocketed to...well back to the contest. Awesome. So, come to the DC Improv tonight to support the next group of DC comedians.
My boys Tim Miller, John McBride, Dianna Saeeieeieieieeiz, Shahryr Rizvi, and Matt Liebman will all be on the show. They are all good comics and good dudes except for Dianna because she is a girl.
Show starts at 8:30. You should come. Yes, you.
Out.
My boys Tim Miller, John McBride, Dianna Saeeieeieieieeiz, Shahryr Rizvi, and Matt Liebman will all be on the show. They are all good comics and good dudes except for Dianna because she is a girl.
Show starts at 8:30. You should come. Yes, you.
Out.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Everything Is Just So Much Better...
When the Redskins win. We are still in last place in the division, philly is nasty, and we are flawed but I don't even care right now. There is just a weight off my shoulders (this is the weight I put on them when we lose. It is called the 'yoke of defeat' and it is really heavy).
I headlined a show at the Hyatt on Saturday. I did terribly. I subjected the other comics on the show to nearly an hour of material that was luke warm and slightly congealed. So, my bad dudes. Larry Poon was there. The crowd simply had no idea what to do when he was onstage. That is how good that guy is. Just a phenomenon.
For fun, I have attached some pictures of me from the show I have been filming. Oh yeah, whammy. I have been filming a show. It is good. Everyone involved is tight and there is humor. Updates to follow on the release but everyone will be able to see it and enjoy the spectacle. I play a frat dude that is kind of an a-hole. Note: This is a huge stretch for me because I wasn't in a frat, I played a sport...it is really different... Note also: The pic on the right I am doing Deniro. It is a good impersonation.
Friday, September 22, 2006
Die Hard
I watched Die Hard last night. I forgot how awesome that movie is. I give it credit for being one of the original gangsters of new school super tight summer blockbusters. It is right up there with Terminator for 'movie that regular dudes like but critics scoff at but they make movies for dudes not critics'.
So many wonderful elements. Here they be:
1) Bruce Willis: This made Brillis's career. He was totally somebody after this. Before? He had done a little tv and some smaller parts but he was not big. Ballsy to make a virtual unknown the star of a huge film. He nails this part.
2) Alan Rickman: Before Professor Snape he was Hans Gruber. Think for 30 seconds....can you name a better villain (regular humans only)? You should not be able to because he was the best. For the record, he is behind Darth Vader, the T-1000, and every handsome dude that has done a chick flick.
3) Paul Gleason: RIP man. You mess with the bull, you get the horns.
4) Reginal Veljohnson: Uncle Carl nailed this part. 'I need backup at Nakatomi! Now dammit! NOW!'
5) William Atherton: Professor Jerry Hathaway from Real Genius. No one could ever play the sleezy local reporter better.
6) I'm agent Johnson...this is Special Agent Johnson...no relation. Mint
7) Argyle: I don't know this dude's name but he was on 'Head of the Class' which was an underrated show.
8) Clarence Gilyard: You don't recognize this dude? What if I told you he played 'Sundown' in Top Gun? Now?...'We could have had 'em man...hey, we could have had 'em' - "I WILL FIRE WHEN I AM GODDAMM GOOD AND READY! YOU GOT THAT!"
9) When the bad guys open the vault, the soundtrack plays Ode to Joy and you find yourself rooting for them a little.
10) The dude that played the broker who tried to deal with Hans. "Hans...bubey...I'm your white knight." Awesome.
Great flick.
Other things:
I am at the Bethesda Hyatt this weekend. My good friend and fishing buddy Larry Poon will be there. He's just back from a weekend at the Chuckle Hut in Van Nuys, CA so we are lucky to have him. 7400 Wisconsin Ave in Bethesda.
I wish Rob Maher would update his blog more. That dude is funny and also a good dude. I'm still not watching the Wire...
So many wonderful elements. Here they be:
1) Bruce Willis: This made Brillis's career. He was totally somebody after this. Before? He had done a little tv and some smaller parts but he was not big. Ballsy to make a virtual unknown the star of a huge film. He nails this part.
2) Alan Rickman: Before Professor Snape he was Hans Gruber. Think for 30 seconds....can you name a better villain (regular humans only)? You should not be able to because he was the best. For the record, he is behind Darth Vader, the T-1000, and every handsome dude that has done a chick flick.
3) Paul Gleason: RIP man. You mess with the bull, you get the horns.
4) Reginal Veljohnson: Uncle Carl nailed this part. 'I need backup at Nakatomi! Now dammit! NOW!'
5) William Atherton: Professor Jerry Hathaway from Real Genius. No one could ever play the sleezy local reporter better.
6) I'm agent Johnson...this is Special Agent Johnson...no relation. Mint
7) Argyle: I don't know this dude's name but he was on 'Head of the Class' which was an underrated show.
8) Clarence Gilyard: You don't recognize this dude? What if I told you he played 'Sundown' in Top Gun? Now?...'We could have had 'em man...hey, we could have had 'em' - "I WILL FIRE WHEN I AM GODDAMM GOOD AND READY! YOU GOT THAT!"
9) When the bad guys open the vault, the soundtrack plays Ode to Joy and you find yourself rooting for them a little.
10) The dude that played the broker who tried to deal with Hans. "Hans...bubey...I'm your white knight." Awesome.
Great flick.
Other things:
I am at the Bethesda Hyatt this weekend. My good friend and fishing buddy Larry Poon will be there. He's just back from a weekend at the Chuckle Hut in Van Nuys, CA so we are lucky to have him. 7400 Wisconsin Ave in Bethesda.
I wish Rob Maher would update his blog more. That dude is funny and also a good dude. I'm still not watching the Wire...
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Thanks
I was inundated with comments on yesterday's spring vs fall debate. And by inundated I mean no one said sh*t. Last time I rock the open forum. That is embarrassing. It is right up there with telling someone you love them and them telling you: "I love spending time with you..."
This blog will lead the blog league in randomness. Giddyup.
-In my Madden Franchise on 2007, I did not draft a player based soley on the fact that this last name was the same as an X girlfriend's. I don not know what this says about anyone involved.
-The NFL is really incredible. After last week's depressing effort against my my most hated team in the history of sport, I am somehow ready to give my squad another chance. This league has really taken a stranglehold on the American Universe.
-I feel like everyone is ignoring some really compelling baseball pennant races. There are more competitive teams than ever before thanks mostly to good organizations making good decisions. As long as someone beats the yankees, I'm happy.
-I really enjoy doing improv comedy and I am mad at myself that I have not found more outlets.
-Comedy Contests are great things and should be encouraged...along with random shin-kickings, lotteries where the winner has his/her eyebrows removed hair by hair, and those big sunglasses that are fashionable right now that make girls look incredibly foolish.
-On second thought, none of those things should be for any reason.
-Several months later, the Houston Texans passing on Reggie Bush still leads the all-time challenge for worst decisions by a pro sports franchise.
-The Venzuelan President called W 'the devil' the other day. Many might agree with his conclusion. Personally, hard to take a dude that is top boys with Iran seriously. Knock knock.
who's there? A Communist who focuses attention away from his rotting country by blaming the leader of a hedgemon...I'm not going to do the rest.
-A lot of people are telling me that I should watch 'The Wire' on HBO. The following are the reasons why I have not and will not watch it:
1) When one person (or several people) who's opinion I do not value tells me I 'have to watch a show', I don't do it under almost any circumstances.
2) When people who's opinion I do value tell me to watch something I still almost never do it because I hate being told what to do.
3) The unbearably high number of crappy comics and actors from the greater Baltimore area who put "the Wire" in their credits.
-My favorite cartoons as a child were:
1) Voltron
2) Transformers
3) Thundercats
4) He-Man
5) GI Joe
-The following is a list of the All-Time most underrated cartoons:
1) Gummi Bears
2) Chip 'N Dale's Rescue Rangers
3) Paw Paw Bears
4) Danger Mouse
5) Captain Caveman
The following is a list of cartoons that got way to much credit:
1) Talespin
2) Darkwing Duck
3) Go-Bots
4) She-Ra
5) Jabberjaw
-The following is a list of things that people only like because they force themselves to like becuase they think they are supposed to do so:
1) Wine
2) caviar
3) public transportation
4) Fashion Trends
5) small dogs
-A band I was really disappointed never did much after their debut album was the Stereo MCs. I used to love them.
-Ryan Conner did not know that the lead singer of REM was gay.
-There is nothing wrong with that, Ryan just didn't know. I knew.
-Congrats to Seaton Smith.
-I'm done for today. Last thought. Thanks to everyone who came and supported the team last night. Especially OC and the Petals Edge honies. You guys are the bestest or most best if we are speaking correctly. Word.
This blog will lead the blog league in randomness. Giddyup.
-In my Madden Franchise on 2007, I did not draft a player based soley on the fact that this last name was the same as an X girlfriend's. I don not know what this says about anyone involved.
-The NFL is really incredible. After last week's depressing effort against my my most hated team in the history of sport, I am somehow ready to give my squad another chance. This league has really taken a stranglehold on the American Universe.
-I feel like everyone is ignoring some really compelling baseball pennant races. There are more competitive teams than ever before thanks mostly to good organizations making good decisions. As long as someone beats the yankees, I'm happy.
-I really enjoy doing improv comedy and I am mad at myself that I have not found more outlets.
-Comedy Contests are great things and should be encouraged...along with random shin-kickings, lotteries where the winner has his/her eyebrows removed hair by hair, and those big sunglasses that are fashionable right now that make girls look incredibly foolish.
-On second thought, none of those things should be for any reason.
-Several months later, the Houston Texans passing on Reggie Bush still leads the all-time challenge for worst decisions by a pro sports franchise.
-The Venzuelan President called W 'the devil' the other day. Many might agree with his conclusion. Personally, hard to take a dude that is top boys with Iran seriously. Knock knock.
who's there? A Communist who focuses attention away from his rotting country by blaming the leader of a hedgemon...I'm not going to do the rest.
-A lot of people are telling me that I should watch 'The Wire' on HBO. The following are the reasons why I have not and will not watch it:
1) When one person (or several people) who's opinion I do not value tells me I 'have to watch a show', I don't do it under almost any circumstances.
2) When people who's opinion I do value tell me to watch something I still almost never do it because I hate being told what to do.
3) The unbearably high number of crappy comics and actors from the greater Baltimore area who put "the Wire" in their credits.
-My favorite cartoons as a child were:
1) Voltron
2) Transformers
3) Thundercats
4) He-Man
5) GI Joe
-The following is a list of the All-Time most underrated cartoons:
1) Gummi Bears
2) Chip 'N Dale's Rescue Rangers
3) Paw Paw Bears
4) Danger Mouse
5) Captain Caveman
The following is a list of cartoons that got way to much credit:
1) Talespin
2) Darkwing Duck
3) Go-Bots
4) She-Ra
5) Jabberjaw
-The following is a list of things that people only like because they force themselves to like becuase they think they are supposed to do so:
1) Wine
2) caviar
3) public transportation
4) Fashion Trends
5) small dogs
-A band I was really disappointed never did much after their debut album was the Stereo MCs. I used to love them.
-Ryan Conner did not know that the lead singer of REM was gay.
-There is nothing wrong with that, Ryan just didn't know. I knew.
-Congrats to Seaton Smith.
-I'm done for today. Last thought. Thanks to everyone who came and supported the team last night. Especially OC and the Petals Edge honies. You guys are the bestest or most best if we are speaking correctly. Word.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Fall v Spring: The Debate
1st, Arlington Cinema 'N Drafthouse tonight. Show starts at 7:45 PM. Ryan Conner, Seaton Smith, and me. There will be goodness in high amounts in addition to several units of joy. It is a contest so only some of us...or none of us...can move on. Should be fun.
I had another topic that I was going to drop but I got bored and deleted it. Instead, I roll with the open forum. Here is the topic:
Spring vs Fall. What is the better season and why? Good luck.
I had another topic that I was going to drop but I got bored and deleted it. Instead, I roll with the open forum. Here is the topic:
Spring vs Fall. What is the better season and why? Good luck.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Actual Transcript
This is an actual phone conversation that I had earlier today. (I am now totally self conscious about typing the story the way I normally would because Jeff Maurer impersonated my writing style on his blog. Is that what I do to people when I impersonate them? I'm sorry to everyone because it isn't fun. I can't even write an email anymore. F it, let's do it anyway)
Players:
Me
Angry Phone Lady (APL)
me: "____________, May I help you?"
APL: "Yes hi, I'm returning a call."
me: 'Ok, do you know who called you?"
APL: "No, the call came from this number."
me: "OK, well is there someone who you would like to speak with?"
APL: "What is this? What office?"
me: "This is _____ in the ______ Complex in ______" (Its classified people. Let it happen)
APL: "Well, This is ______ (APL's actual name) with ______ (APL's meaningless title)"
me: "OK............................................................................................................"
APL: "Well?"
me: "Ma'am, do you have any idea who might have called you from this office?"
APL: "No."
me: "Well, I did not call you so, I'm not really sure how to help you."
APL: "How about getting up from your desk and asking the people in your office if they called me?"
me: "You would like me to go around my office, interrupt people and government staff and ask them if they placed a call that is none of my business?"
APL: "If it isn't too much trouble" (Note: The APL is using sarcasm here. Since I had never heard sarcasm before, I had no idea how to respond)
me: "I'm not going to go and bother everyone. Do you have a meeting coming up or have you been assigned anything from _____ ?"
APL: "I don't know"
me: "OK......................................................................................................"
APL: "OK..................OK What? What are you going to do?"
me: "Ma'am, I am trying to help you figure out who called you from this office and I really have no way of knowing unless you can provide me with a minimum amount of information."
APL: "What is your name?"
me: _______ (kidding, I told her.... Rory Scovel)
APL: "Well Rory, it seems strange that someone so incompetent is answering the phones there."
me: "Thanks."
APL: "So you have no idea who called me?"
me: "Let me check.....nope."
APL: "You've been a big help" (Powerful tool this 'sarcasm)
me: "Thanks. It was easy with all the info you provided."
APL: "Oh is that right?"
me: "Yes ma'm. There are dozens of people in this office and I can direct you to any one of them. I don't have any extensions listed for 'Someone'. He's not showing up on the global address book either."
APL: "This is ridiculous. I'm with __________."
me: "ooohhhhhh OK. I've never heard of that."
APL: "You're an a$$hole."
me: "Thanks. It's been great talking with you. Hope you find time to call again with no idea who you want to talk to."
APL: "What's your boss' name?"
me: "I don't know. He called me earlier but didn't leave a message so I really have no idea..."
APL: "UGH! You idiot! You have no idea of how to use the phone!"
me: "You're right, I'm always calling people and asking for a specific person. You're way is much more effective."
APL: "OK, goodbye."
me: "Bye ma'am. Great talk."
Click
Now, in my defense, in that writing, you couldn't hear her condescending tone of voice. It was almost unbearable. I don't think I over-reacted..Ok I did but that b*tch was annoying. Now here is the best part:
Fast forward 20 minutes later
Phone rings...
me: ___________, How can I help you?"
APL!!!!!!!!!! (It is definitely her again but she feebly tries to disguise her voice and is all nice) "Yes, is __________ in please?"
me: (I couldn't resist) "He sure is, and it is great to talk to you again. Hold on one sec."
Right before I transfer the call...
APL: "Yeah, I just checked my voicemail..."
Wow. I guess she was right. I am an idiot (see? Sarcasm is great).
tomorrow night at the Arlington Cinema 'N Drafthouse at 7:45. Huge show. Huge.
Players:
Me
Angry Phone Lady (APL)
me: "____________, May I help you?"
APL: "Yes hi, I'm returning a call."
me: 'Ok, do you know who called you?"
APL: "No, the call came from this number."
me: "OK, well is there someone who you would like to speak with?"
APL: "What is this? What office?"
me: "This is _____ in the ______ Complex in ______" (Its classified people. Let it happen)
APL: "Well, This is ______ (APL's actual name) with ______ (APL's meaningless title)"
me: "OK............................................................................................................"
APL: "Well?"
me: "Ma'am, do you have any idea who might have called you from this office?"
APL: "No."
me: "Well, I did not call you so, I'm not really sure how to help you."
APL: "How about getting up from your desk and asking the people in your office if they called me?"
me: "You would like me to go around my office, interrupt people and government staff and ask them if they placed a call that is none of my business?"
APL: "If it isn't too much trouble" (Note: The APL is using sarcasm here. Since I had never heard sarcasm before, I had no idea how to respond)
me: "I'm not going to go and bother everyone. Do you have a meeting coming up or have you been assigned anything from _____ ?"
APL: "I don't know"
me: "OK......................................................................................................"
APL: "OK..................OK What? What are you going to do?"
me: "Ma'am, I am trying to help you figure out who called you from this office and I really have no way of knowing unless you can provide me with a minimum amount of information."
APL: "What is your name?"
me: _______ (kidding, I told her.... Rory Scovel)
APL: "Well Rory, it seems strange that someone so incompetent is answering the phones there."
me: "Thanks."
APL: "So you have no idea who called me?"
me: "Let me check.....nope."
APL: "You've been a big help" (Powerful tool this 'sarcasm)
me: "Thanks. It was easy with all the info you provided."
APL: "Oh is that right?"
me: "Yes ma'm. There are dozens of people in this office and I can direct you to any one of them. I don't have any extensions listed for 'Someone'. He's not showing up on the global address book either."
APL: "This is ridiculous. I'm with __________."
me: "ooohhhhhh OK. I've never heard of that."
APL: "You're an a$$hole."
me: "Thanks. It's been great talking with you. Hope you find time to call again with no idea who you want to talk to."
APL: "What's your boss' name?"
me: "I don't know. He called me earlier but didn't leave a message so I really have no idea..."
APL: "UGH! You idiot! You have no idea of how to use the phone!"
me: "You're right, I'm always calling people and asking for a specific person. You're way is much more effective."
APL: "OK, goodbye."
me: "Bye ma'am. Great talk."
Click
Now, in my defense, in that writing, you couldn't hear her condescending tone of voice. It was almost unbearable. I don't think I over-reacted..Ok I did but that b*tch was annoying. Now here is the best part:
Fast forward 20 minutes later
Phone rings...
me: ___________, How can I help you?"
APL!!!!!!!!!! (It is definitely her again but she feebly tries to disguise her voice and is all nice) "Yes, is __________ in please?"
me: (I couldn't resist) "He sure is, and it is great to talk to you again. Hold on one sec."
Right before I transfer the call...
APL: "Yeah, I just checked my voicemail..."
Wow. I guess she was right. I am an idiot (see? Sarcasm is great).
tomorrow night at the Arlington Cinema 'N Drafthouse at 7:45. Huge show. Huge.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Draftheezy
Come to the Arlington Cinema 'N Drafthouse on Wednesday. Show STARTS at 7:45. Here is the deal:
40 comics in 5 prelims competing for an eventual prize of $2500. I am in the first prelim with my good friends Ryan Conner and Seaton Smith. This guarantees mirth. 2 comics will move on from each round. 1 will be by audience vote, the other will be by panel of judges. Neither of these bode well for me as my friends don't come to see me anymore and judges like to not have me win contests as evidenced by my not winning contests that I am in.
I'm entering this one for a couple of reasons:
1) This is a promption for this venue which is a great one for standup comedy and it is something I/we should definitely support.
2) I really enjoy the awkward times where everyone feels like they have to compliment each other after their set during a contest. Everyone secretly thinks he was the best and is fishing for compliments from the other competitors. One of those incredible dynamics that is impossible to re-create.
Address:
2903 Columbia PikeArlington, VA 22204
Tix are $7 at the door. Should be a great time so if you are a good person, you will attend. If not, then I ask that whatever higher power you pray to has mercy on your tormented soul.
40 comics in 5 prelims competing for an eventual prize of $2500. I am in the first prelim with my good friends Ryan Conner and Seaton Smith. This guarantees mirth. 2 comics will move on from each round. 1 will be by audience vote, the other will be by panel of judges. Neither of these bode well for me as my friends don't come to see me anymore and judges like to not have me win contests as evidenced by my not winning contests that I am in.
I'm entering this one for a couple of reasons:
1) This is a promption for this venue which is a great one for standup comedy and it is something I/we should definitely support.
2) I really enjoy the awkward times where everyone feels like they have to compliment each other after their set during a contest. Everyone secretly thinks he was the best and is fishing for compliments from the other competitors. One of those incredible dynamics that is impossible to re-create.
Address:
2903 Columbia PikeArlington, VA 22204
Tix are $7 at the door. Should be a great time so if you are a good person, you will attend. If not, then I ask that whatever higher power you pray to has mercy on your tormented soul.
Friday, September 15, 2006
Dallas Week
It is Dallas Week for my beloved Washington Redskins. This means several things:
1) I hate the dallas cowboys
2) The game is huge (especially because one team will be in an 0-2 toilet in the toughest division in sports)
3) Everything is just a little bit more focused...for all of us. We are on edge. There is an electricity in the air. We are touchy.
Here is my list of my most hated all time teams in all levels of sports:
1) dallas cowboys
2) new york yankees
3) the soviet union
4) the philadelphia eagles
5) virginia tech
6) the newer version of york football giants
7) Veinna Little League
8) the newer version of new york knickerbockers
9) the 1994 Cobb County Georgia Babe Ruth Team
10) the Mount Vernon Post American Legion team from 1997
That is the list. No one should root for these teams in our society. They exist only to plague the living.
No shows this weekend. Who wants shows on a weekend?
Wed the 20th I am at the Arlington Cinema 'N Drafthouse for a really cool contest. DC's best local comics are competing for a nice prize but it is all in good fun. Show should be a good time and it starts at 7:45. Come on down and support the team.
Also, if you are around Bethesda this weekend, my boys Jon Mumma and Doug Powell will be dominating the Bethesda Hyatt this Saturday. I'll be hedlining there next week on the 23rd. Shows start at 8.
dallas week b*tches.
1) I hate the dallas cowboys
2) The game is huge (especially because one team will be in an 0-2 toilet in the toughest division in sports)
3) Everything is just a little bit more focused...for all of us. We are on edge. There is an electricity in the air. We are touchy.
Here is my list of my most hated all time teams in all levels of sports:
1) dallas cowboys
2) new york yankees
3) the soviet union
4) the philadelphia eagles
5) virginia tech
6) the newer version of york football giants
7) Veinna Little League
8) the newer version of new york knickerbockers
9) the 1994 Cobb County Georgia Babe Ruth Team
10) the Mount Vernon Post American Legion team from 1997
That is the list. No one should root for these teams in our society. They exist only to plague the living.
No shows this weekend. Who wants shows on a weekend?
Wed the 20th I am at the Arlington Cinema 'N Drafthouse for a really cool contest. DC's best local comics are competing for a nice prize but it is all in good fun. Show should be a good time and it starts at 7:45. Come on down and support the team.
Also, if you are around Bethesda this weekend, my boys Jon Mumma and Doug Powell will be dominating the Bethesda Hyatt this Saturday. I'll be hedlining there next week on the 23rd. Shows start at 8.
dallas week b*tches.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
When The Mic Goes Out, It Is Sh*tty...
That is what the Boston Comedy Festival taught me this year. It is hard to have a complete set when the mic turns off in the midst of your closer. Nice. If you recall, last year upon getting back from this festival, I was furious. I could not believe the injustice that had befallen and blah blah blah. This year? I could care less.
Let me break it down for you. I saw 4 Preliminary Rounds of this contest (there are 8 total). Each prelim yields 2 winners who move on to the semifinals. Of the 8 winners I saw, I agreed with the judges on 1 of them. 1! So, the point is that it is hard to be disappointed when you are bewildered.
In my prelim, there was a lot of talent. A lot. It really could have been (or rather should have been) any one of 7-8 people out of 12. None of those people were chosen. One dude did some Blue Collar Comedy Tour stuff about 'big gas stations' vs 'small gas stations'. Watch out Arabs, a few zingers coming your way. The other dude that won was awful. Just awful. And this is something I am very sensitive about. Explanation......now:
The dude just did voices. Very little material, just voices. The voices were good. But we were told, specifically, that we would be judged on 'originality' of material...
This dude did Archie and Edith Bunker...f*cking Archie Bunker!
1) Relevance called, they wonder why you guys haven't met yet
2) Everyone can do that voice. Even my boy Ryan Conner who is especially not good at voices can do that voice. It is EASY!
3) Nothing original about that at all
If you had told me before I went on, I had to do (Deniro, the Bunkers, and a 'grandmother') I could have done that easily and better than the dude that did them. This guy should be performing at old folks homes not winning contests against 9 talented comics. I don't actually blame this dude though. Listen, he should know that he sucks and he should stop sucking but it is hard to blame the guy if he can have success! How can anyone who is supposed to judge comedy objectively look at that guy, then look at all the other comics who work their a$$es of 7 days a week so that they DON"T SOUND LIKE THAT GUY? Unreal to me. There were so many funny people at this festival and it is just a shame they can't do a better job of getting those people in front of audiences.
Here is the thing that I am sensitive about. My talent, yes singular, is impersonations. I am good at voices and picking up tendencies of people and re-creating them. A lot of comics, especially in a place that breeds intelligent humor like DC, pretty much label any impressions as hacky. I have struggled with this since the beginning of my little jaunt into the world of humor. My 'Schwarzeneggar' joke is funny (it isn't 'the governator' and he really is just the premise so I can get to the joke) but it turns people off because so many sh*tty comics do him that is cliche and thus, hackalicious. I have a good Croc Hunter, never seen the light of day. Same with my Walken, Pesci and Deniro; they are all in a closet somewhere. Here is my balancing act:
Side 1: I want to show people, every time I get on stage that I am talented. I want them to leave thinking: 'That dude with the red cheeks is really talented'. Which basically means, I want to show as much as I can everytime.
Side 2: I am scared to death that other comics will not think highly of me.
The conclusion? Arnold is done. Never again. I will not be able to get the vision of that astounding hack out of my head and it will torment me everytime. So, thanks Boston Comedy Festival Judges, you have given me a helpful direction with my comedy. Let that be a lesson to all of you, it is important to let the opinions of your peers shape everything you do without exception.
Huge Thanks to my boys Cos, Goldie, and Andes and my girls Dige and Marge for coming out to support. You guys are great.
Let me break it down for you. I saw 4 Preliminary Rounds of this contest (there are 8 total). Each prelim yields 2 winners who move on to the semifinals. Of the 8 winners I saw, I agreed with the judges on 1 of them. 1! So, the point is that it is hard to be disappointed when you are bewildered.
In my prelim, there was a lot of talent. A lot. It really could have been (or rather should have been) any one of 7-8 people out of 12. None of those people were chosen. One dude did some Blue Collar Comedy Tour stuff about 'big gas stations' vs 'small gas stations'. Watch out Arabs, a few zingers coming your way. The other dude that won was awful. Just awful. And this is something I am very sensitive about. Explanation......now:
The dude just did voices. Very little material, just voices. The voices were good. But we were told, specifically, that we would be judged on 'originality' of material...
This dude did Archie and Edith Bunker...f*cking Archie Bunker!
1) Relevance called, they wonder why you guys haven't met yet
2) Everyone can do that voice. Even my boy Ryan Conner who is especially not good at voices can do that voice. It is EASY!
3) Nothing original about that at all
If you had told me before I went on, I had to do (Deniro, the Bunkers, and a 'grandmother') I could have done that easily and better than the dude that did them. This guy should be performing at old folks homes not winning contests against 9 talented comics. I don't actually blame this dude though. Listen, he should know that he sucks and he should stop sucking but it is hard to blame the guy if he can have success! How can anyone who is supposed to judge comedy objectively look at that guy, then look at all the other comics who work their a$$es of 7 days a week so that they DON"T SOUND LIKE THAT GUY? Unreal to me. There were so many funny people at this festival and it is just a shame they can't do a better job of getting those people in front of audiences.
Here is the thing that I am sensitive about. My talent, yes singular, is impersonations. I am good at voices and picking up tendencies of people and re-creating them. A lot of comics, especially in a place that breeds intelligent humor like DC, pretty much label any impressions as hacky. I have struggled with this since the beginning of my little jaunt into the world of humor. My 'Schwarzeneggar' joke is funny (it isn't 'the governator' and he really is just the premise so I can get to the joke) but it turns people off because so many sh*tty comics do him that is cliche and thus, hackalicious. I have a good Croc Hunter, never seen the light of day. Same with my Walken, Pesci and Deniro; they are all in a closet somewhere. Here is my balancing act:
Side 1: I want to show people, every time I get on stage that I am talented. I want them to leave thinking: 'That dude with the red cheeks is really talented'. Which basically means, I want to show as much as I can everytime.
Side 2: I am scared to death that other comics will not think highly of me.
The conclusion? Arnold is done. Never again. I will not be able to get the vision of that astounding hack out of my head and it will torment me everytime. So, thanks Boston Comedy Festival Judges, you have given me a helpful direction with my comedy. Let that be a lesson to all of you, it is important to let the opinions of your peers shape everything you do without exception.
Huge Thanks to my boys Cos, Goldie, and Andes and my girls Dige and Marge for coming out to support. You guys are great.
Friday, September 08, 2006
The NFL
Season officially kicked off last night. Awkward 1st game. It was strangely not-energized after a raucous start. Weird. Daunte Culpepper stabbed one of my fantasy teams in the kidneys with his 2 int performance. Thanks big guy. Glad I believed in the hype. You have 15 more weeks of redemption song to play.
I have privately chatted with my buddies about the following items for some time and I will publicly chat about them now. Some are NFL related, others are just wonderful ideas, either way, this is a free blog so pipe down.
1) How is it possible, with networks like HBO, pay-per-view, and the wonders of the internet, is there not a network that carries games with real sports fans as commentators? The conversations (read heated arguments over minutiae) my boys and I have watching sports are 10 times more interesting than what we listen to on tv. I'm sure that every group of friends feels the same way. Take last night's game for example.
-Incredible discussions over whether or not Chris Chambers is in fact, a pu$$y and how annoying it is that every expert believes he will have a 'breakout year'
-How awkward it was that the pre-game hype fizzled out by the middle of the 2nd quarter and the usually raucous Steeler fans were kind of sitting on their hands.
-Is Troy Polumalu the best safety in the NFL. Excellent debate.
-How many dumb NFL head coaches there are
Real sports fans with knowledge of the players, talking like real people, with curse words and funny terms...like 'pooted' for example.
Note: 'twere this to be created, it would be my dream job. Humorous and enjoyable coverage of legitimate sport. Someone please get on this. Maybe when the NFL network gets big enough to have an NFL 2, they can have a 'game a week' where the normal guys also do a telecast. God I would love that.
2) Why are baked goods always so much tighter when you are watching football? Seriously. There is a formula where 'B' is the baked good:
B x 1.231 = Quality of baked good during football telecasts.
inexplicable
3) The sheer volume of prescription drug commercials/truck commercials makes me want to drive my car to Boston and try and navigate the streets at night.
4) How unbearable are sideline reporters? Several points on this:
-I don't want anyone down there that never played football at any level (so that pretty much eliminates most women)
-There is always something uncomfortable going on, either a player gets questioned in the middle of the game, the coach is forced to talk when he has two much to deal with, the SR has some awkward in game story where they have to cut away from play and he/she talks about the sport in terms that no athlete would ever use.
Here is how it should be: someone is assigned to both sidelines. That person listens to the huddles as def/off coaches instruct their players. If it is interesting, it gets reported...quickly:
"Al, Nick Saban just told his guys to key on where Porter lines up as that seems to be dictating Pittsburgh's coverages."
Bam. Actual insight. Instead of some drivel about a weird team meeting at practice or irrelevant anecdote, we get real info.
The 2nd function of the sideline reporter is to report injuries. Any intern or low level person can do this. A walkie talkie to whoever the stats nerd is in the booth, he hands a note to the announcers, bam. There is your injury report. Bottom line: I only started to feel this way when I had great seats at a Redskins game and Suzie Kolber wouldn't acknowledge me.
5) Does everyone have certain words that are super hard for them to spell? I mean like everyday words. I almost never spell 'restaurant' right for example. Or is it just like people and my boy Quinn who spells 'too' wrong because he really doesn't know the difference between 'to' and 'too' and yet still graduated with a really good GPA from Georgetown?
6) Playing the 'who would win in a fight?' game is one of the top 10 reasons it is better to be a dude than a chick. Chicks would never come up with things like that.
I have privately chatted with my buddies about the following items for some time and I will publicly chat about them now. Some are NFL related, others are just wonderful ideas, either way, this is a free blog so pipe down.
1) How is it possible, with networks like HBO, pay-per-view, and the wonders of the internet, is there not a network that carries games with real sports fans as commentators? The conversations (read heated arguments over minutiae) my boys and I have watching sports are 10 times more interesting than what we listen to on tv. I'm sure that every group of friends feels the same way. Take last night's game for example.
-Incredible discussions over whether or not Chris Chambers is in fact, a pu$$y and how annoying it is that every expert believes he will have a 'breakout year'
-How awkward it was that the pre-game hype fizzled out by the middle of the 2nd quarter and the usually raucous Steeler fans were kind of sitting on their hands.
-Is Troy Polumalu the best safety in the NFL. Excellent debate.
-How many dumb NFL head coaches there are
Real sports fans with knowledge of the players, talking like real people, with curse words and funny terms...like 'pooted' for example.
Note: 'twere this to be created, it would be my dream job. Humorous and enjoyable coverage of legitimate sport. Someone please get on this. Maybe when the NFL network gets big enough to have an NFL 2, they can have a 'game a week' where the normal guys also do a telecast. God I would love that.
2) Why are baked goods always so much tighter when you are watching football? Seriously. There is a formula where 'B' is the baked good:
B x 1.231 = Quality of baked good during football telecasts.
inexplicable
3) The sheer volume of prescription drug commercials/truck commercials makes me want to drive my car to Boston and try and navigate the streets at night.
4) How unbearable are sideline reporters? Several points on this:
-I don't want anyone down there that never played football at any level (so that pretty much eliminates most women)
-There is always something uncomfortable going on, either a player gets questioned in the middle of the game, the coach is forced to talk when he has two much to deal with, the SR has some awkward in game story where they have to cut away from play and he/she talks about the sport in terms that no athlete would ever use.
Here is how it should be: someone is assigned to both sidelines. That person listens to the huddles as def/off coaches instruct their players. If it is interesting, it gets reported...quickly:
"Al, Nick Saban just told his guys to key on where Porter lines up as that seems to be dictating Pittsburgh's coverages."
Bam. Actual insight. Instead of some drivel about a weird team meeting at practice or irrelevant anecdote, we get real info.
The 2nd function of the sideline reporter is to report injuries. Any intern or low level person can do this. A walkie talkie to whoever the stats nerd is in the booth, he hands a note to the announcers, bam. There is your injury report. Bottom line: I only started to feel this way when I had great seats at a Redskins game and Suzie Kolber wouldn't acknowledge me.
5) Does everyone have certain words that are super hard for them to spell? I mean like everyday words. I almost never spell 'restaurant' right for example. Or is it just like people and my boy Quinn who spells 'too' wrong because he really doesn't know the difference between 'to' and 'too' and yet still graduated with a really good GPA from Georgetown?
6) Playing the 'who would win in a fight?' game is one of the top 10 reasons it is better to be a dude than a chick. Chicks would never come up with things like that.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
The Fun-ness
Thanks to everyone who came out last night to see the POW show. They were awesome and I had a lot of fun opening up for them. Double thanks to Larry Poon for graciously stopping in and running sound like a mastermind. That guy is so busy, it is a wonder he even had a spare minute. He told me he owed one of the camera guys a favor from an incident at a Betty Ford in '82.
As you can see, I have included a picture of He-Man riding Battle Cat. I thought to myself what would be the most fun thing I could ever do? And I decided that riding Battle Cat would be #1. This blog is about fun and nothing beats riding Battle Cat and having the Power of Grayskull.
Anyway, Matt Oberg and Bob Wiltfong are great guys and their show is super funny and should be seen by people that like humorous things. I have not seen much funnier in person than 'remote humping'.
I fly to Boston this weekend for the Comedy Festival. I just got hooked up with an audition for a Carnival Cruise Line. I would love to do comedy on a cruise ship. If I bombed, what would they do? Let me hang out on the boat? Sorry about that...
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Most Important Show You WIll See This Year
You must come to the Warehouse Theater and see me open up for POW (Matt Oberg and Bob Wiltfong from the Chapelle Show and the Daily Show respectively). Reserve tix by sending an email to: info@dccomedyfest.com (put 'POW Tickets' in the subject line). Just list the names of the peeps you wish to reserve tickets for as this is how reservations work.
Here is the description of POW from the DC Comedyfest website:
POW: The Professional Opportunities Workshop turns its satircal sights from the dry, stale world of the corporate motivational speakers and training seminars to the dry, stale world of college motivational speakers and training seminars!
These dudes are professional humor makers and people should see this show.
Also, come to the show and see it.
Here is the description of POW from the DC Comedyfest website:
POW: The Professional Opportunities Workshop turns its satircal sights from the dry, stale world of the corporate motivational speakers and training seminars to the dry, stale world of college motivational speakers and training seminars!
These dudes are professional humor makers and people should see this show.
Also, come to the show and see it.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
CRIKEY!
RIP Steve Irwin. If you don't know, the Crocodile Hunter has passed on. A stingray got him. Just goes to show that hacky comics always do Croc Hunter impressions. Now I know I'm hacky because I do some voices but even I won't do that one because I can't think of a good joke to do it in. Note: I am a hack.
Going reverse chronologically in recapping the weekend is what I will do now. The passive voice is something I will use also...
The Back to School Poonanza was mint on Sunday. Lot of really funny things happened. Super fun times with my favorite comedy peoples. I will tell you simply that I had to bite my lip when Jaystings reached out his hand with the force and the doughnut moved to prevent myself from laughing. Thanks to all who participated and attended for making the show incredibly fun.
On Friday Jon Mumma and I (you know what I found out from Jon on the way up? His name really isn't supposed to be pronounced like we all do it. We all say 'Moo-mah' when it actually is supposed to be 'Moo-maw'. Jon got so tired of correcting everyone that he just started using the one that everyone defaulted to. What a nice guy...and kind of a pu$$y. My name isn't 'Roo-he-air', 'Row-hire', 'Rowe-heer', 'Ru-veir', 'Ru-er', 'Rock-er', 'Romp'er', 'Roo'share, 'Roo-nee-er' or any of the other pronunciations I have heard. It's 'Roo-yay'...Holler) drove up to Arcadia University for a show.
Now, you read the word 'drive' and you picture a car moving on a highway with two friends sharing tales of merriment and intrigue. Not this time. Picture 2 dudes in a car crawling along a highway topping 15 mph 3 times between DC and 30 miles north of Baltimore. Jon and I honestly thought about turning around. It took us in the neighborhood of 6 hours total to get just outside of Philly from DC. Note: I would rather be kicked in the shins by a leprechaun with the thought that I would get wishes only to find out that he was not that kind of leprechaun and experience the pain and disappointment then do that drive again...
The show itself at Arcadia was a lot of fun. It was a contest and a dude named Kelly Taylor won it. I didn't get to see much of his set but he was a cool dude who switched places in the show with me. I had a pretty good set (1 hour b*tches) and Mumma did well during his time. The real star of the show for my money was the comic that had to follow all of us. After 3 hours of comedy, this dude named Peter Lee came onstage and dominated for an hour. The dude was awesome. Hilarious comic, really polished, super nice guy. He should have won I thought but no biggie. I got paid to do standup which is pretty kicka$$.
Great weekend.
Tomorrow night. You must come to the Warehouse Theater and see me open up for POW (Matt Oberg and Bob Wiltfong from the Chapelle Show and the Daily Show respectively). Starts at 8. You must reserve tickets. Do so by sending an email to: info@dccomedyfest.com (put 'POW Tickets' in the subject line). I love you all.
Going reverse chronologically in recapping the weekend is what I will do now. The passive voice is something I will use also...
The Back to School Poonanza was mint on Sunday. Lot of really funny things happened. Super fun times with my favorite comedy peoples. I will tell you simply that I had to bite my lip when Jaystings reached out his hand with the force and the doughnut moved to prevent myself from laughing. Thanks to all who participated and attended for making the show incredibly fun.
On Friday Jon Mumma and I (you know what I found out from Jon on the way up? His name really isn't supposed to be pronounced like we all do it. We all say 'Moo-mah' when it actually is supposed to be 'Moo-maw'. Jon got so tired of correcting everyone that he just started using the one that everyone defaulted to. What a nice guy...and kind of a pu$$y. My name isn't 'Roo-he-air', 'Row-hire', 'Rowe-heer', 'Ru-veir', 'Ru-er', 'Rock-er', 'Romp'er', 'Roo'share, 'Roo-nee-er' or any of the other pronunciations I have heard. It's 'Roo-yay'...Holler) drove up to Arcadia University for a show.
Now, you read the word 'drive' and you picture a car moving on a highway with two friends sharing tales of merriment and intrigue. Not this time. Picture 2 dudes in a car crawling along a highway topping 15 mph 3 times between DC and 30 miles north of Baltimore. Jon and I honestly thought about turning around. It took us in the neighborhood of 6 hours total to get just outside of Philly from DC. Note: I would rather be kicked in the shins by a leprechaun with the thought that I would get wishes only to find out that he was not that kind of leprechaun and experience the pain and disappointment then do that drive again...
The show itself at Arcadia was a lot of fun. It was a contest and a dude named Kelly Taylor won it. I didn't get to see much of his set but he was a cool dude who switched places in the show with me. I had a pretty good set (1 hour b*tches) and Mumma did well during his time. The real star of the show for my money was the comic that had to follow all of us. After 3 hours of comedy, this dude named Peter Lee came onstage and dominated for an hour. The dude was awesome. Hilarious comic, really polished, super nice guy. He should have won I thought but no biggie. I got paid to do standup which is pretty kicka$$.
Great weekend.
Tomorrow night. You must come to the Warehouse Theater and see me open up for POW (Matt Oberg and Bob Wiltfong from the Chapelle Show and the Daily Show respectively). Starts at 8. You must reserve tickets. Do so by sending an email to: info@dccomedyfest.com (put 'POW Tickets' in the subject line). I love you all.
Friday, September 01, 2006
Arcadia
Hey there wee ones,
My boy Jon Mumma and I are riding up to Arcadia University today for a show tonight. It should be a lot of fun as we are both awesome and kids like awesome things.
Sunday night is the Back to School Poonanza. $5, amazing sketch comedy, 7:30 start, DC Arts Center Theater, Bring YOUR OWN BEER, lots of commas...
Have a great Labor Day Weekend.
My boy Jon Mumma and I are riding up to Arcadia University today for a show tonight. It should be a lot of fun as we are both awesome and kids like awesome things.
Sunday night is the Back to School Poonanza. $5, amazing sketch comedy, 7:30 start, DC Arts Center Theater, Bring YOUR OWN BEER, lots of commas...
Have a great Labor Day Weekend.
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