My bizzle

Sorry for the blog free week. I've been mostly without internets this week in Columbus. I am now at an internet cafe known as 'Panera' which is exclusive to these parts. Shows this week have been a lot of fun. Bill Burr is phenomenal. I've had an amazing time being a complete tool by constantly telling him how great i think he is. It comes off desperate and clingy. Perfect.

The Funny Bone here in Columbus is an incredible venue. Really cool place to do a show. I've enjoyed it immensely. Everyone has been so great. I wish I could perform here always and also have good jokes to perform with.

The people of this state and this town like the Ohio State Buckeyes. You should not trust anyone from Ohio. Why? At any given time, a person from this state will yell: 'O-H!' and strangers will yell: 'I-O!' There are no words for how ridiculous this is. Bill Burr made fun of it when it happened last night for 10 minutes. In the middle of his set, some chooch yells out the 'O-H' part. Burr, stopped and ripped the guy a new exit. Awesome.

The first show tonight is right in the middle of the Ohio State/Georgetown game. I have no idea how this is going to turn out. High likelyhood of a catastrophic shabingus...

Let's go Hoyas.

Columbus

I'm in sunny Columbus, Ohio for a week of shows at the Columbus Funny Bone. Thursday through Sunday, Bill Burr will be here performing. This is good.

My last day of work was Monday. My boss, who is an awesome guy, also announced he was leaving the company. The point is, the company we worked for was most ungood.

I wouldn't work for them if I were you.
Be careful if you are applying for government positions.
A close study of all the options should be considered.

My last day was kind of anti-climactic. I expected a great release and rush of joy as I triumphantly strolled out of the building. Instead, it felt like a long weekend. I think it hasn't really hit me yet because I have so many things going on. If I was leaving and sitting at home right now winning the 2014 Super Bowl in my Madden franchise today, I think I'd be more excited.

More later this week. First show with headliner Jason Dixon is tonight.

twent twent twenty-four hours to go...

and I leave me job. I'll post pics of what I wear on my last day.

Come to the Drafthouse tonight. Show starts at 9:45. High awesome levels. Like Lionel Ritchie singing at a disco where the Snorks are dancing with the Thundercats.

The Young and the Tight

Come to the Arlington Cinema 'N Drafthouse tomorrow night. I'll be there with some other exceptional comics. I know that implies that I find myself exceptional. Arrogant? Yes, but you are on my blog. There will be much humor there. The people will enjoy this.

Show starts at 9:45. Get tickets and be cool. Eat. Drink. Laugh.

2 days left. LONG lunch today. Around 2 hours. No apologies to anyone.

Coolest thing I have going is that next week, in Columbus, OH, I'll be appearing at the Funny Bone with Bill Burr. He's my favorite comic working right now because he's amazing. The dude has clearly worked so hard and has tons of material. I'm really excited.

You're Special...

Saw a filthy band last night at the Black Cat. They are from Copenhagen, Denmark. They are pictured right.

They are awesome. The down side is that they have the standard 'insert artsy band photo' thing going on. This annoys me. I'm not sure what I'd do differently. I just know that I'd try to avoid this. I've gotten headshots done. I know it's absurd. What gets me is that there is someone in there. When this photo was taken, he/she was all:

'OK, now you squat like you are looking at seashells. You two, peaceful and arrogant at the camera...in the back, you look towards a heavenly body..possibly a constellation. Great. Hold it.'

Anyway, these guys are really good. If you like Arcade Fire, this band could be right in your wheelhouse.

www.buddyjackson.com

That was a non-sequitor.

Do you ever have so much to do that you feel overwhelmed? Do you ever get so overwhelmed that you don't do any of those tasks? If that was a job, I'd be the CEO. Rory Scovel would be on my staff. He'd be in charge of our 'hiding from problems division.' I'd be in charge of all of it. The 'Feeling awkward when there's arguing' division, 'phone calls not made because I hate talking to strangers' division, the 'non confrontations' department.

3 days left. I'm on jokes.

I'm an idiot. The band pictured is called 'Mew'.

I'm An Idiot

Seriously. One of the biggest ever. I'm 27 and I cannot tell the difference between Dayton and Columbus. They are an hour apart. Booking a flight to one is NOT THE SAME as booking a flight to the other. Ridiculous.

Me: 'Wow, 180! That's really cheap.'

(Select flight. Blow through confirming flight details...receive email that includes itinerary....and...)

Me: 'Dayton!? What? What the f*....... How did...Dayton?'

(Go online to look at reservation. It says Dayton. Go to search engine and type in same things. It shows Columbus. Click on cheap price that I clicked on before.)

Now the flight says: 'BWI to DAY'...guess who the airline is? f*cking AirTran. That joke is coming back with a vengeance. I'm going Lewis Black on it and I sincerely don't care if I get a single laugh ever again doing it. I hate that airline. I also fully realize that I am an idiot because I booked a horrendous flight and I should not be allowed to interact with people but still...f AirTran in the ear.

The Worst Republic Ever

F Texas. Bunch of liars screwed the whole thing up for me. Thanks for showing up you idiots.

Tried to reschedule my court appearance for my BS reckless driving charge where I never exceeded 7 miles per hour. After waiting on hold for 31 minutes, the nice gentleman informed me that my request for a continuance would have to be presented to a judge. Awesome. I find out tomorrow if the officer is available to lie on another date. Stay tuned.

I dubbed 2006 as the 'year of the lie'. It looks like 2007 is not stopping the lies. Just don't lie to me. People are lying all the time. It needs to stop. Seriously.

On the brighter side, I have 5 business days after this one at my job. People have asked me if I will miss this place. This cooky little corner of the universe...my everyday destination since September of '05...and the answer is no. I'm never coming back here ever for any reason.

Cool show this Friday night at the Arlington Cinema 'N Drafthouse. Here's what they did:

'Let's get a bunch of really good comics together and do a show'. So that's what it is. Show will start at 10 PM. Go get tickets or you'll be sorry.

Tourney Is On

So far, I'm 3/3 on games. At this rate I'll have every game correct and win a multitude of prizes.

I am openly watching games online at work and defying anyone to challenge me on it.

I'm swinging by the Arlington Cinema 'N Drafthouse tonight for a little set. Rob Maher and Erin Jackson will be there also. Humans should see us. We're great.

I'm headed to Richmond this Friday to do a show at U of R with Matt Fulchiron. He's famous and good. I am not. I enjoy his stuff, at least what I've seen. I like doing college shows. I like them for a lot of reasons. I'm not going to tell you those reasons because you didn't ask.

Honey Wheat Pretzel sticks from Snyder's are terrible. Do not buy them. Instead, don't be an idiot and pass on the Ritz Chips when you went to the convenience store on the first floor during lunch to go with your sandwich from Lost Dog Cafe that you ordered last night. Just buy the Ritz Chips and don't out think yourself.

F It...I'm In

I have filled out 9 brackets today and I'm going to do some more. I swore this off a few years ago because I know too much. What do I mean? I'll tell you, but only you. I'm obviously a huge sports fan. I know as much or more than and non-professional sports analyst. I watch dozens of games every year (even the late night ESPN 2 games just so I'll know that Nevada doesn't play well when Kemp isn't creating space and shots for their best player Fazekas, or that Derrick Biars moves really well without the ball and when he's hitting shots, Vanderbilt can beat anybody, or even that Bryce Taylor of Oregon is this year's Brandon Roy and no one is talking about him.).

I know a lot. The problem is, I out-think everything. I can convince myself of anything. If I read an article that has a similar conclusion that I do, I'll be convinced. Example: I don't have Ohio State winning the title on any bracket. Here's what it takes for them to fall: Oden gets into foul trouble, the other guys who have been deferring since he came back, force stuff, they don't shoot that well anyway, teams are always in the game against them. Suddenly, like Purdue almost did, with 5 minutes left it's a close game and anything can happen. Now, watch OSU dominate this tourney and Oden decide that he's ready to start dominating games instead of being passive because he's pissed about all the Kevin Durant hype.

Now, as to why I don't usually fill out the brackets. If you don't know what those last two paragraphs were about, you're the reason I quit. It's people like you that ALWAYS win the tourney pools. It's never guys like me. It's that idiot who goes: 'Oh my gosh, I went to George Mason! I'm going to pick them to beat Connecticut.' That's who wins. It's not the guy who emails Ryan Conner before the tourney starts and goes: "I don't know how they get past round 1 without Campbell (who was serving a 1 game suspension for a cheap shot). They need him." See what I mean?

Anyway, here's the review. Take it or leave it.

Best players in the country:

Kevin Durant Texas, Greg Oden OSU, Acie Law IV Texas A+M, Alondo Tucker Wisconsin.

The next 10 best players in the country play for Kansas, Florida and UNC.

Most talented teams in the country: Kansas, Florida, UNC

Next level down teams that could win if things go right or exit early if they don't: UCLA, Pittsburgh, Memphis, Georgetown

Teams that are vastly over-rated and should be picked to lose early (which means maybe you should pick them to win? See? How annoying is this?):

Virginia (sorry babes) they are seeded way too high, Washington State (now would be a good time to mention that I hate the Pac 10 and I hate this team. Keep that in mind. Their last game they looked helpless against a USC team that I think stinks), USC (see WSU), Southern Illinois (favorable bracket puts them in the round of 16 because of....) Virginia Tech (way too high for them. To me, you should know what you are getting with a 5 seed. We have no idea which team shows up for Tech. As a side, f V Tech always).

Teams that were seeded too low that will be EXTREMELY interesting for a couple games:
UNLV (I like them. The more I read the more I like them. They could also come out flat and have Crittenden score 30. I want UNLV to be good because they were good when I was a child. best college team ever. They start 4 guards. 4 guards! F convention. 'Wink Adams' might be the quickest player in America), Gonzaga (I know I Know. They're played out as a 'cinderella' and they are the original gangster of 'Mid-Major teams' but I'm telling you this, I would not want to play them period. They are well coached, can shoot it, and have some nice pieces. I think they cruised for a while b/c they were unsure how to deal with the Goliath role out west. Now, they are right. Dangerous team.)

That's it. So my champ is......

Kansas, Texas, UCLA, Florida, Texas A & M, UNC...but not OSU.

The Dance

I love the NCAA tournament. I got to thinking the other day about how this just might be the most uniquely American thing we have in sports. Obviously the Super Bowl is a huge deal but other countries have penultimate championships in their most popular national sport. The Daytona 500 is unique but there are mega huge auto racing events in Europe.

One thing they really don't have in Europe is major college athletics. England comes the closest but the majority of EU countries don't have big time intercollegiate athletics. Some people would point to the BCS national championships and bowl games as our most unique event. Here is why it isn't.

Casual fans get excited for the tournament. Everyone fills out a bracket. People that don't know anything, get involved. They get excited. They know terms like Sweet 16, Final Four, Bracket Busters, Sleepers and Cinderellas. Casual college football fans that tune into the national championship game don't know RPI ratings, Power Conferences, or the Outland Trophy. They watch the game, come up with some dumb reason to root for one of the teams and show their ignorance throughout the game and make you want to yell at them but you're at your friend Lucie's house and it's rude to yell when it's not your house.

That to me is what makes a huge sporting event: the casual fan is involved. The person that won't watch a single college hoops game all year is checking scores and picking a team. No where else does that happen for 3 weeks.

The point of all this is, if you don't like the NCAA basketball tourney, you are a communist.

Commodores vs Colonials: The battle for the best name for old white men.

Improv

Thanks to the Improv and everyone who came out to the show last night. Jared, Jon and I all had a great time. That new lounge room is going to be a great place for local comics to perform. I had a blast and I hope everyone who came had a great time as well.

I am leaving my job in 14 days. I have 10 working days after this one. I have mentally checked out. Note: this was the case when I first took this job on September 1, 2005.

The George Washington University won the A-10 tournament this past weekend and earned a trip down south to play the Commodores of Vanderbilt. There will be so many dudes with floppy hair at this game. So, for the rest of the week, until Vanderbilt takes down my boys (which I believe they will as they are more talented and have played tougher teams all year), I am on frobation (friend probation) with all my friends either currently at Vanderbilt as well as Vanderbilt alums. So Doug, Muse, Francesca, E Tario, Mandy...none of you guys can talk to me this week.

I have something really cool that I am working on. The awesomeness level could be really high. More on that as it develops.

This Is Why People Don't Respect Woman's Athletics

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncw/news/story?id=2791950

She was hooking up with one of her players. This would NEVER HAPPEN in men's sports. Done. No debate.

Well maybe what if...nope. Serioulsy. It would be the MOST shocking story of all time. It might not be reported that way but to every serious athlete that has ever put on the equipment, it would be the most absurd story of their lifetime.

I miss youtube.

Come to the show on Sunday night at the Improv. Get tickets before you go! The room isn't that big and it would get sucked to get turned away.

http://www.dcimprov.com/comics/dc_improv_comedy_lounge.html

Tix are $10 and the show will be really fun. Jared Stern, Jon Mumma and Me. Starts at 8:30. 18 to enter. 21 to drink.

Blogger Party

When I logged into blogger, it told me that blogger was having a party...in Dallas, Texas. I like blogger. But I don't like it enough to go to its party...maybe enough to swing by and say hi.

I graduate tonight from broadcasting school....yeah.

Jared Stern, Jon Mumma, and Me at the Improv this Sunday night. 8:30 in the lounge. Go to the show or face perilous fire and explosions. Go here to grab tix. We're right after Pablo Francisco on the upcoming shows list.

If you want to go, make sure you reserve tix in advance. It's not that big a room and space is limited. Gracias.

Racoon Wars

When I came home last night, 2 enormous racoons were fighting in a tree next to my house. They were making tons of noise and the tree was shaking. I can only assume they were fighting over who got to eat the entire house. They were huge. Like dogs...big dogs in trees. Terrifying. If they are out there and are reading this, I left some cash in the top bureau drawer. Take it. It's yours. Just don't hurt anyone. We won't tell the cops. They wouldn't believe us anyway.

Work shabingus the last few days. It honks.

I have my last class tonight. Then graduation tomorrow. That's weird. Graduation. Anyway, I'll be certified to...well I'll have the experience to...I'll be done.

Meh.

Suunday Night

March 11 at 8:30, My boys Jon Mumma and Jared Stern and I are doing a really cool show at the DC Improv. Tix are only $10. The Improv built a really cool lounge that holds about 75 people. It's a really great space and we are stoked to do the 1st show in there. You should come if you like joy.

If I could go back in time and be in any band, I would be in the Jackson 5. I would tell Mr. Jackson: 'Look dad, hit me all you want...just don't touch little Michael. He's too important. You keep this up, he's gonna turn out SO weird.'

Because I won an argument against my boy Jon, attorney at law, I am now entered into a wager with him. I also realize that the last sentence doesn't make sense unless you have a back story...moving on...the bet is for dimes. $.10. We are betting a dime for every ACC/Big 10 match up in the NCAA tourney. Despite the fact that I explained to Jon the ACC has won all 8 ACC-Big10 Challenges (including this year), he claimed the Big 10 was the better conference. Again, we are betting with dimes.

Bless Me Blogger For I Have Sinned...

It's been 4 days since my last post. I wasn't in the office on Friday. I was moving a bunch of stuff around. I was all manly and stuff.

I'm busy as hell this week. But that should all be over soon. My Class ends on Wednesday. I'm stoked.

In other news, the US federal government has taken away the ability to view several websites. Myspace is one of them. Not a big loss for me; I can approve made up girls that want me to view their webcams on my own time. The big loss? I mean the really big loss?

Youtube.

No more.

Wow.

That's like taking a baby's pacifier and replacing it with a bag of bent silverware. I'm in withdrawal.

More tomorrow.

I'm a Liar

Remember when I said, I'd have more for you today? You don't? It's because you didn't read yesterday's blog. Sure...take your time...Just...OK, you're back? yeah, I lied. I am swamped with stuff.

2 quick thoughts before I go:

1) College basketball is back with a vengeance this year. I don't care what people say about the NBA minimum age rule, it's awesome for the college game. So many great college players right now. If you haven't seen Kevin Durant play, do so. Truly unique player. If Rick Barnes (head coach of Texas) could find a way to get him the ball, Durant could have been the highest scoring freshman since Mahmoud Abdul Raouf (Chris Jackson) at LSU. I'm not bothering to look up the spelling.

2) Maryland beat duke last night. I watched it going back and forth between the terps game and the Texas/ Texas A&M game. Both awesome. duke losing is always good. This is especially true when they lose at home. It's the most refreshing silence.

Top silences in sports:

1) yankee stadium when it's so quiet you can hear the Red Sox fans individual comments

2) duke. when the nerds have to file out and go back to their dorms

3) texas stadium when another team completes a long TD pass and you can actually hear jerry jones mowing the lines.