Ask Men.com

Sorry I was not around yesterday. I was home sick. And by sick I mean I didn't want to work. Isn't that everyday? Yes. So then are you always sick? yes.

Ask Men.com just released their top 99 chicks of the year. I look forward to this annual ritual. And by look forward to, I mean it's always a pleasant surprise because I forget about it until there is a link somewhere and I stumble upon it like a drunken hockey fan (take that Conroy).

http://www.askmen.com/specials/2007_top_99/index.html

There it is. Enjoy. Or don't. Not gonna affect me. There's a nice mix in there.

That one is fun, but I admit that I have played this one, every year for some time.

Man, I am on a misogynistic role right now. You can't fight it, it's just what happens sometimes. My old boss and I used to get into heated arguments on that mueller tourney. It ended with me calling him perverted and then him asking: 'did you really just call your boss perverted?'

Later,

Who Cares?

Without looking, who is the best men's tennis player in the world right now? Who's leading the NHL in goals?

I'll give you both answers: Roger Federer and 3 guys tied at the top (Alexander Ovechkin, Martin Saint Louis, and Teemu Selanne).

Why don't you or I care?

It's because there are ZERO interesting Americans in these sports anymore. Of the top 5 NHL points leaders (goals + assists), 0 are American. Of the top 5 goaltenders, 0 are American.

In Mennis (Men's tennis), 1 American is in the top 5 (Andy Roddick).

This dude Roger Federer has thrust himself (love that phrase...just picturing a dude thrusting haphazardly...) into the conversation of 'best tennis player ever' and no one even realizes this is happening. The dude has won 10 of the big events (I refuse to call them Grand Slams because a grand slam happens in baseball. These are simply tournaments with high prestige and large payouts but I digress). Not only that, but the dude just went through the whole Australian Open without losing a set. Not one set! He's sniffing Pete Sampras' record for 14 big tournaments. And yet, completely uninteresting. Why?

For hockey, they screwed up. They screwed up really badly. Here's how:

1) They expanded WAY too much
2) They overestimated their popularity
3) They followed the NHL model of believing that the sport was enough to sell itself (as opposed to NBA and MLB that sells stars)
4) They let the union kick their a$$es for years so they had an absurd salary structure
5) The game isn't even close to the beautiful international game with wider rinks and free flowing and creative play. No matter what they do, they can't get past this. They've tried to make things better this year but to no avail, they still allow clutching and grabbing and all the other things that ruin the flow of the sport.

So, they lost the casual fan. Crazy hockey fans are and always will be there. Godspeed. One of them might respond to this all salty and angry. This is impossible to argue with though, the casual hockey fan is gone. My dad and I for years went to the New Years Day Washington Capitals Game. One year, we both realized that it just wasn't fun anymore. The game on the ice stunk. Too many stoppages, too pre-occupied with stopping fights, and just boring. The amazing skill of the players was lost.

As for mennis, I used to love watching the McCenroe/Connors type dudes in big tourneys. I was all about it. Now? I just don't care. I'm not alone either. Mennis needs Americans to be good. There are 2 in the top 10 (Roddick and James Blake) but 99% of sports fans don't know blake from the guy that does their taxes. I can watch a golf tourney now and then. My favorite thing to watch is the Ryder Cup. Mennis has one of those too but no one cares about it. That needs to be the big thing and the US needs to do well in it. Showcase the American stars.

None of this will happen. I don't think there was a point to this blog. It's what I was thinking about just now so I started writing. Sometimes, you get sh*tty blogs.

Hard Of Hearing My A$$

Went to Topaz last night. Standard apathetic crowd plus 'mailing it in comic' made for a normal Thursday evening...with the following exception. Giddyup.

About 1 minute into my set, the crowd had 0 energy. In an attempt to involve them, I introduced the next premise by asking the audience member nearest the stage a question. This is a standard practice that has been perfected by Joe Robinson...perfected.

The woman just stared at me. Here is what happened next:

Me: 'yes ma'am, you're the only person I can see from up here (bright light). Do you ever get stuck in a really awkward conversation you can't get out of (the premise)?

Woman: ........ (blank stare).......(begins to look at her friend at the table)

Me: (in a joking way) 'Don't look away, we're having a moment.'

Woman: (looks back at me)...................... (makes a couple signs with her fingers and in a barely audible tone says...) 'I'M DEAF'.

.....................................................................................................................................................................

Holy sh*t.....the place goes dead silent. I am a heap of flummoxed awkwardness wrapped in a shabingus on stilts at the DMV. The crowd hates me...HATES. Like visceral and angry hatred. Like I'm Nikoli Volkov signing the Russian Anthem during the Cold War...that kind. Nothing I say can make this right for several minutes. I muddle through with some awkward comments and failed attempts at levity. I tried to finish the joke with the other lady at the table but quit on it after 17 seconds of Sisyphusian effort.

I am finally able to recover and have a decent last couple minutes. Over all, I am shaken. Seriously. This got to me. I went back out into the hallway with Jon Mumma and Justin Schlegel and I begin to lament how I may never be able to talk to the crowd again...ever. I think about retiring from comedy all together as I am the biggest D-bag that has ever walked. I ponder writing an apology letter when...

When I look up and the 'Deaf' woman walks on stage. I shoosh everyone and listen. She speaks normally. She isn't deaf people. She's just a new comic who uses the 'deaf thing' for a bit. I am stunned. Mumma is laughing. Justin is pissed. He wants to go talk to her. I'm more of the 'what do I care?' mold...which really means that I don't have the balls to confront anyone even when they screwed me.

As I'm by the exit, about to depart, the lady is standing there. This is uncomfortable for me as I'm talking to someone else. I basically do not pay much attention to her and she wanders off. I subsequently discover that Schlegel went and talked to her and basically said this:

1) You don't do that...ever
2) The 3 of us have worked our a$$es off for 3 years and are pretty well respected around here.
3) If you do something like that again, your 'career' will be over before it starts.

I love Justin.

Now, a few things on this:

-In the grand scheme of things, do I really care? No. It was a sh*tty set at THE Topaz. I'll be OK. Am I worried that this will derail my career? No.

-That said, it's still a pretty obnoxious move. Justin made a good point on one of his recent video blogs about how it's unthinkable for a comic to heckle another comic (some exceptions, like very good friends can f with each other but even then it's limited). You just don't. Well, this feeds out of the same trough. You don't kill another comic's set like that. While to some, it might seem like an innocent mistake. It's not. Here's why:

-Any comic who has had some amount of stagetime knows that there are things like this that can kill shows. There are dozens of these things; too numerous to mention. If you're not onstage, you're not onstage. It's not your time. Period end of story. You don't start committing to a bit 3 comics before you are on. Unless you've got something planned out with a colleague, you don't do that.

-Again, it was just an open mic but the point is, you never know. You don't know what could have been going on. It could have been Ryan Conner up there with a Conan O'Brien audition the next day (by the way, F Ryan in the A with crooked D) and you could have ruined his timing and confidence. That's just one example. You just don't know which is why, if you are sitting in the front row, you play along or, like most comics do, you sit in the back or out of the room entirely.



I'll be at Ned Devine's in Sterling tomorrow night with the aforementioned Joe Robinson. Come see us.

Georgia On My Mind

Read this: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/eticket/story?page=wilson

And then try and explain why the South shouldn't have an awful reputation. Half my family is southern and I'm embarrassed.

Next, watch Buddy Jackson. This week is funny.

After you've done all that, watch this video: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4634719741830048780

It's Guys Watching 24.

Following all that, read this and try to not to be afraid: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/01/24/AR2007012401646.html

That's a lot of work. Take a break....

We'll pick up again tomorrow.

Guys Watching 24 II

As promised, fresh from Chris White's editing dungeon:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4634719741830048780

I rate it an awesome out of good. I'm hoping Chris releases the outtakes on the dvd special edition...

Cheerleaders

I came across this article in Sports Illustrated. It's an editorial about how school boards are beginning to force cheerleaders to cheer at both mens' and womens' games. It's also about how pretty much no one is happy about it except for the few angry social activist parents and some school board people. Really? That's your project? That's what you go with?

My Sally, who is playing basketball to add some activities to her college resume, isn't being treated fairly because the cheerleaders, who no one pays attention to anyway at our super liberal new England encampment, don't come to her games because it makes the girls on the team uncomfortable. Great point.

Nothing else worthy of pursuing? How about trying to save the planet by encouraging people to unplug their electronics when not in use or other countless ways to reduce the effects of global warming? No, cheerleaders at all games? OK, you got it. Idiot.


A new Guys Watching 24 will be done soon. I went to Chris White's palace of love on Sunday. Jared Stern, Chris, and I (and a couple of Chris' friends) had a great time messing around like 3 comedians and a couple of friends of one of the guys. Chris has cool 'editing technology' and is locked in his 'editing suite' right now. I bet it turns out with awesomenessityness.

State of the Union tonight. I don't think I'll be tuning in because the Suns are in town playing the Wizards. I'm also not sure what the man can say right now: 'look, I know you guys are pissed...well I know you are...stop applauding that...oh for f*ck's sake...'

Anyone remember what he ran on a couple years back to get elected? Gay marriage?

Here's my open letter to Karl Rove.

Dear Karl,

Hey man, how are things? I'm good. Still in the DC area. Anyway, I was just thinking about how you used a non central issue for the future of the country to get people to come out and vote and how things like that take advantaged of the privilege of being in power. I was just wondering who you would like to play you when they make a movie about how you fleeced the American people and were running the show for both campaigns? I would vote for Matthew McConaughey because he only does rotten chickflicks now and he'll need something serious to try and restore his name so he can play a villain...meaning you.

Are you gonna play kickball again this year? It was fun last year.

See you never because you stay hidden.

Danny

Stuffersons

Sorry for the lateness today, I'm eye deep in shabingi.

-Drafthouse shows were a lot of fun. That's going to be a good venue for comics. Thanks to everyone that made it out and made it possible.

-I shot another Guys Watching 24 episode yesterday. It's going to be really funny. More details to come.

-Colts are early 7 point favorites. Does that shock anyone else?

-I'm already sick of the Super Bowl storylines.

-More later this week.

Draft Heezy

Come to the Arlington Cinema 'N Drafthouse tonight and tomorrow night; yes, both nights. I'll be there with Rory Scovel and Andy Kindler. That was 3 hyperlinks in 1 sentence.

The Drafthouse is an awesome venue. The show will match the awesomeness of the venue.

Tonight: 7:45
Saturday: 9:45

Tix are $18. Lots of people are already saying 'greatest show ever'. Lots.

Why Backstreet Broke Down Before 'N Sync

It's about star power. Were they the better boy band? Without a doubt. What were they missing? That one guy. That 'leader'. Even though he wasn't the leader of the band, Justin Timberlake was clearly bigger than the group. You get the teenage chicks and awkward 30-somethings following you, you win the showdown.

You don't believe they were the better band? Here is some knowledge:

-According to Jive Records, the band is "the highest selling boy band of all time", selling 98 million albums worldwide.

-"I Want It That Way" was ranked No. 10 on Rolling Stone & MTV's 100 Greatest Pop Songs list.

-The Backstreet Boys are the only artists to win a record four World Music Awards for three years in a row since 1999-2001.

There's more. But you get the idea. The people that tell you 'N Sync was better either don't know what they are talking about or were mesmerized by the star power.

Let's get into the matchup:

Signature Album:

BSB (Backstreet Boys): Millenium

NS ('N Sync): No Strings Attached

-No strings had the highest first week album sales in pop history (2.4 million copies). That's a big deal. Worldwide, sales exceeded 15 million...or the same level as Black and Blue, Backstreet's 2nd highest selling album of all time.

-Millenium sold in excess of 30 million copies.

Best songs from signature albums:

BSB: 3) Show Me the Meaning Of Being Lonely 2) Larger Than Life 3) I Want It That Way

NS: 3) This I Promise You 2) It's Gonna Be Me 1) Bye Bye Bye

Matchup of #3s, has to go to BSB. #2s, Def 'N Sync...as to #1s...This is where it can get heated. We've got to try and break this down scientifically:

BBB- better video. Hallmark dance steps, still mimicked (I can no longer do this routine for the record...but there was a time that I could...and did)

IWITW: Underrated video, very well done. Just a bunch of shots of chicks losing their minds with the boys getting off a plane and other things. I still have a lip sync dance with gestures to this...

IWITW- The song was voted #10 in the MTV/Rolling Stone list of the "100 Greatest Pop Songs Of All Time" in 2000. It was ranked #16 on Blender Magazine's 500 Greatest Songs Since You Were Born list and #61 on Vh1 100 Greatest Songs Of The Past 25 Years.

BBB- #55 in Rolling Stone's Top 100 Pop Songs List, #165 on Blender's 500 list, and it did not make VH1's list

Take away the visuals, and you have a catchy song vs a timeless ballad of confusion and catchy angst....advantage...'I Want It That Way'.

Both groups broke down around the same time but for totally different reasons.

'N Sync broke up because the band members wanted to pursue other things: JC Chasez and Timberlake wanted to rock solo careers, Lance Bass wanted to be gay (zinger), Joey Fatone wanted to act (and act he did. Can someone say star power!), and Chris Kirkpatrick has been involved with production (albums, some film things and other sundry works)

Backstreet broke up for a few reasons: AJ McLean had some issues with the sauce and other illicit substances. Kevin Richardson wanted to be an actor (he's done some work on Broadway). The other reason for the breakup was the enormous lawsuit the boys filed against their record company claiming a breech of contract. The end result was that everyone left the company and their management agency...except Nick Carter; who, with the backing of Jive Records, released a solo album that sold tens of copies. I honestly don't know what Howie Dorough is doing right now but I can tell you that Brian Latrell played on God's team so, he might be doing something in that vein.

We remember both bands for what they were. We will not forget what they meant to so many of us...

Discussion

My buddy Quincy and I just had a great lunch discussion. Here was the question posed:

2 songs that are the MOST 80s. Not necessarily the most popular songs or had the most musical impact or were even the most memorable. 2 songs that you could let an alien listen to and say: 'This summarizes the decade'. Here are the songs that we decided were it:

Take on Me by Ah-Ha

Rapper's Delight by the Sugar Hill Gang.

Here's who narrowly missed:

Billie Jean/Thriller by Michael Jackson

Everybody Wants to Rule the World by Tears for Fears

Don't You Forget About Me by Simple Minds

Here I Go Again by Whitesnake

It's Tricky by Run DMC

The Message by Grandmaster Flash

Don't Stop Believing by Journey

There were several others that were mentioned but were quickly eliminated. Here was the reasoning:

1) Ah-Ha, when you hear it, you immediately go to the 80s. Fact. No song is more 80s. Doesn't mean it was the best or anything, just means that nothing typifies the period better. It has all the elements you need so it covers the Tears for Fears/Duran Duran/Mister Mister type bands. It's just enough rock so that you can include the Journey/Huey Lewis and such but it has that keyboard and emo feel to it to get those first group plus a little bit of the clash in there too.

2) The most important element of the discussion was that we had to decide what genres we were going to choose. Obviously, with our selections, we lose the hair band/big ballad/cheese rock that made such a huge dent. This is regrettable. No other way to put it. But, we only get 2 selections. So, GNR, Def Leapard, Scorpion, Skid Row, Van Halen, Poison, Motley Crue and others have to sit this play out. That hurt to type but tough decisions have to be made.

3) The poppy style rock we decided was the first element represented and we felt the natural choice was Ah-Ha. The 2nd category was harder. What was next? Rap music was in its infancy. We went with Sugar Hill gang, again, not because it had the 'greatest impact' (though I could argue that it did) but nothing better typified the 'happy and upbeat' style of 80s rap. Very catchy beat, pleasant lyrics, extremely palatable and accessible to white folks (as opposed to Public Enemy for example). You get that alien in a room and tell him: 'Hey bruh...no its just an expression. OK, here it is. This was the style. It was happy, awkward dancing, and sweaters...'

I don't know if we did the right thing here...it was not easy.

Return of the Mac

You forgot. Didn't you? Admit it. You were like I was. "Yeah, the new 24 season looks pretty cool." Then they reminded you. They smacked you in the mouthpiece.

4 hours worth of mouth-smacking.

He bit the dude's neck! Are you kidding? Sorry about what happened to you in the Chinese prison...if you have a sec, can you get traded to an evil MF in exchange for a former evil MF (who i'm still not sure isn't evil by the way), escape, rescue the former evil MF, and follow a few leads for us...oh, yeah and Jack? Yeah, awkward...ummm, please shoot your boy in the clavicle.

Yeah. Wow. I didn't like Curtis at first. Did you know that? How could you? I never told you. Well I didn't. Then something happened. It was last season. There was a change. It wasn't in Curtis..it was in me. I changed and I realized something. Curtis executes. That's it. He is an executor. Not black cloth on the head executioner, but a dude that handles it in the field. "All units, do ____". That's Curtis in a nutshell. I'm going to miss him. He was one of my guys.

Also, a big Frederick, MD style BBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO to Audrey Rizzle for leaving. How's the Unit working out? Dummy. Those 4 hours should have been sprinkled with Audrey Rizzle. Not Chloe. Putting make up and hair dye on Chloe is like putting make up and hair dye on an unattractive woman to try and side track me from the fact that Kim Raver is no longer on the show.

Justin Schlegel called me last night at 10:15 and yelled for 15 minutes into the phone. We both agree. The show is now an 11/10. What an amazing program of mirth.

A few other observations:

-The inclusion of Taj/Kumar (Tajmar) was ballsy. I ended up liking it a lot. He actually did a good job I thought. It was weird to have Tajmar on there at first because I expected him to break into his 'vax it! vax it' speech from Van Wilder at any time.

-Super Gay Robot Voice Man Version 2.0 is here. This time with more undermining! Tennox (Thomas Lennox) is a complete chooch. Such an unlikeable character. I don't know enough about acting to know if this is good acting or not. I do know that like my feelings about Bill Paxton, I have never liked this dude in anything. When have you ever watched something and gone, 'you know who could have done this really well? ummm, Bill Paxton!' Anyway, Peter MacNicol should have been sent to an internment camp after Ally McBeal. In fact, any male that appeared on that shabingus or sexual congress in the metropolis should not be allowed to interact with society. You can talk to each other, just not the rest of us.

- Wayne Palmer? Seriously? Walmer? OK, I guess...I mean...all right...right? This is OK right? No one has a problem with this?...OK, i'm letting it go.

-Is anyone else out there as giddy as I am that Jack Bauer will be putting the chokes on 'Bald dude from Robocop who was behind last season's shabingi? I found that to be an unfinished symphony from last year. Cannot wait until that dude gets choked out. What's that bruh? I can't hear you, you're wind pipe is collapsed...

-Has anyone else noticed the intrinsic ties between 24 and Robocop? No one else? Ok, good talk.

-I'm thoroughly excited about this season.

You Ever Bomb?

Yes. I love that question from people who are amazed that I do standup comedy. They ask with this morbid curiosity as if to say: 'how in the world could you subject yourself to that?...a$$'

I bomb all the time. I bombed twice last night. It eats away at you at first. I used to get really upset. Like, don't talk to me I'm working on this with me, upset. Now, I just get annoyed and try to figure out why. You try to learn from it and then when you realized that your new jokes are awful, you get pissed off and start to wonder why you are trying to make a career out of something when you are so deficient at the process of becoming good. It's frustrating...like the fact that the original Saved By The Bell cast doesn't hang out anymore.

Andy Haynes started an open mic at The Reef in Adams Morgan. It's kind of a tough layout for comedy but it's a fun and intimate venue. This is a fancy way of saying that no one there last night was even a little interested in what I had to say at any point. The best part of my set was when a girl with a broken foot came in and sat down right on 'the stage' and one dude yelled: 'Get off the stage!' and it wasn't clear if he was talking to me or the little girl. Either way, it was awkward.

New jokes are like children. You can throw them away and create new ones.

I'm becoming giddy as the weekend of wondrous sport draws near. Let's go Saints.

Note: I hate eagles fans. I've railed against them in the past so no need to re-hash. There are 3 I would like to recognize at this time who are working to change tomorrow for the better:

1) Erin Jackson. She's a good person. It's not really her fault that she likes the eagles. You can tell, that if she were from another part of the country, she would have adopted a more reasonable team.

2) Chris White: A reasonable guy. He's smart. He plays that underdog angle. You can see by the title of his blog (ChrisWhiteSucks.com). Chris doesn't suck but he likes to beat himself up. He likes the sadness. He should root for philly teams because they make people sad.

3) Jon Mumma: Little scrappy Jon Mumma. He grew up outside of philly and dreamed of one day playing for his hometown team. He was a college football player who smacked people around and hit much bigger than his size. Basically what I'm saying is, Jon is Rocky Balboa, a fictional character from Philadelphia who has a monument to him which is a disgrace because the real boxing hero JOE FRAZIER is from philly.

Speaking of me being a complete pu$$y, at Topaz last night, I saw Congressman Heath Shuler talking to a girl I know. She is one of two identical twins so I never know if its the one I know really well or not. Knock knock. -Who's there? -Ummmm NAMETAGS. Anyway, I swore to myself, if I ever saw him, I'd scream at him for what he did to my beloved Washington Redksins; basically marking the beginning of 15 years of ineptitude since Joe Gibbs retired by being one of the worst pro quarterbacks in the history of the sport. What did I do? I walked by a few times, looked at the ground, and told a couple people he was there. I hate myself. I should root for philly. Zinger.

Have a nice weekend unless you live in Arizona because you're whole state is bigoted.

Forgetful Jones

This is me. I mean, it's not really me but it's a good depiction of me. This dude couldn't remember anything and it frustrated the sh*t out of everyone who watched. I have one of the most acute cases of ADD on record. They were supposed to take my picture to put it next to the definition of ADD in the dictionary but I forgot about the photo shoot and ate cookie dough and played Madden while listening to a playlist on my computer while talking on my cell phone while remembering the time that I threw up in a Dairy Queen and my mom didn't believe me when I said I was going to and then I did and had a smug sense of satisfaction when the puke hit the ground and I was all: 'I can lie as much as I want now because you thought I was crying wolf and wasn't so now I have impeccable credibility until you catch me intercepting the mail with my grades in it because I stopped reading the English book after the first night and I got my first D which is a big deal at a small private school where I had a flat top but couldn't get my hair cut often enough so I just had a puffy head and was awkward from age 9-25 because my nose was to big for my face and my head is oddly shaped which makes it hard for me to get a good haircut which I got once when my girlfriend in high school's mom paid for it to get taken at a fancy salon by a Latin woman who had terrible hair herself and how can someone who has terrible hair be an authority on how to cut your hair; shouldn't your own style be evidence enough that your opinion cannot be trusted like if you think Nascar is good, how can you be trusted to care for a child; like what if the kid comes home and is like, "Daddy, I don't know how to ask Chrystal out on a date because I'm nervous" and you're watching a race? You don't know what to do and no, Dale is not coming down to help you get through this so look at your son and say: 'I have wasted my life. I apologize to you. Now, its too late for me but you can do anything', and then the kid is inspired and he doesn't ask Chrystal out because she is going to live in that town forever and live in a small one floor house with the guy that gets her preggers first and he decides to dedicate himself to writing and he's good; like really good but not good enough to write books just screenplays and movie treatments so he does and then he runs into a car of a mafia guy one time and they force him to make a movie or die so he greenlights a sequel to a movie that should never be made and it flops and he's an outcast and it was all because I can't remember what I wanted to write about today when I opened blogger. Sh*t.

Weekend of Great Specticle

I realized moments ago that this coming weekend boasts some wonderful bits of entertainment.

-The NFL playoffs boast 3 great matchups and 1 matchup that everyone thinks will be good but will be a terrible game to watch.

-Patriots/Chargers: Brady, the biggest winner of this sports generation vs. the best team this year in the NFL with LDT (LT was a different person. You don't just use the same nickname. That's especially true when the first guy was one of the best 5 players ever and CHANGED THE GAME FOREVER). On paper, looks like the game of the week.

-Ravens/Colts: There is some filthy history here with the Colts being jacked from Baltimore many moons ago by one of the 5 worst owners in the history of pro sport. The fans in crackmore will be all kinds of fired up.

-Saints/iggles: Literally, the forces of good vs evil. Please officially consider me on the Saints bandwagon. Let's go Superdome.

-Seahawks/Bears: Someone has to win this game. Both teams will try to lose it. My honest prediction is that this will be one of the worst played playoff games ever.


-A little program called 24 returns with a 2-day, 4 hour shabingus. My Mondays will not belong to me for 20 weeks or so. I could not be more excited.

That's all I'm writing about today... Except for the fact that I have cool news coming soon.

The In-Between Step

I have several new premises right now that I know are good premises. Not a single one of said premises is a serviceable joke. The difference between me and a super tight headlining comic is that they make this conversion; so do, for that matter some of the best comics in the DC area (don't believe me? check out Ryan Conner's joke book sometime among others). The point is, good comics can take a good idea and turn it into a good joke. The further down the comedy ladder you go, the lower the % of good ideas turn into good jokes.

A good idea can be anything. If I handed my good idea to eddie gosling, it would be an awesome joke within a week. If I handed that same idea to that horrendous blonde haired lady who I've seen at Topaz a couple times she would just turn it into another Paris Hilton parody song and her 4 middle aged women friends would call her edgy at the next book club meeting.

This is something I have to improve. I have to have a higher shooting % on my good ideas. I've thrown so many things away just because I couldn't make a bit of funny out of them. What's my greatest strength? Impersonations. I have 3 jokes where I do a voice other than my own. I have hundreds of voices just sitting in the can. Why? I cannot figure out how to make jokes out of them. I'm not going to stand up there and go:

'What would it sound like if Bill Clinton was playing jai alai with Charlie Murphy while Sean Connery ate a snow cone?'

Note: Reason # 148 not to go to the Boston Comedy Festival. The guy that won my round had nothing but premises like these. He did an Archie Bunker....an Archie Bunker! "what would it sound like if Archi Bunker had sex?.......Aaaaaahhhhhh Jeeeez 'dere Edith!" When they announced that that guy had won and he came on stage, my buddy in the crowd stands up and goes: 'are you f*cking kidding me?'

I hate new year's resolutions as they are just another way to feel badly about your failures. I will say that this year, I'm not going to be so lazy with my writing. I'm not going onstage with the 'let me see if I come up with something when I'm up there' mindset for an unfinished premise. I'm going to have an idea. If it doesn't work, i'll try another one.

Romosapien

Thank God. I mean ha! Can you believe that? Don't know what I mean? Watch THIS! If that doesn't make you happier than a pig in poop, than you are a cowpersons fan. If you are a cowpersons fan you should not be reading my blog; you should be at home coloring (one of my favorite Daniel Tosh lines ever). I was at a bar on Saturday evening and everyone just flat out had a better time because of this folly. What a joyous thing to have happen. The Christmas season really does extend into the new year like Jesus said.

If you think about it, this is like one of those tragic poems. A hero rises from the ashes of a broken empire, receives tons of acclaim (unwarranted) in a short period of time, allows it to affect him, and ultimately fails and crushes his kingdom dooming them to despair. This was the original premise to 'Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift' but they edited that out. F the cowpersons in the A with a crooked D with spikes and battery acid. Awesome.

People need to remember something. Today is Monday. What are YOU, the reader supposed to do on Mondays? That's right, watch the web sitcom of mirthful merryment: www.buddyjackson.com. Let's go people, I don't ask for much (lie, I ask for a lot. I'm a d*ck. Why do I do that?). Go there, watch the show. This week is a tight episode...I know, I was there man.

Tonight is the national title game in college football. Neither team has played for 6 weeks. Great system. The idea being that the players need time to study for exams. Coaches respect that. That's why they kept them at school over christmas and had them practice for hours every day, so the kids could study. For the life of me, I cannot believe no one is willing to listen to the 'bowl playoff' hybrid system invented by me. Here is how it works:

1) We don't allow annoying shaggy haired southern alumni to travel down to games, tailgate and intermingle with the fans. You have a window. The window is now closed bruh. You're just the awkward older guy.

2) You keep the bowls. More than half the teams in America went to bowl games that meant nothing. Keep them. The small pockets of people in #1 will still care.

3) You move the meaningless bowl games up 1 week and have a 'bowl final 4'

4) The top 4 teams in the country go at it. 1 v 4, 2 v 3. The winners of each play on New Years day. You tell me people wouldn't watch those games?

It means more money, less of a dragged out bowl season which regardless of what university liars say, is actually harder on the kids in terms of their academics, and a great set up of games. I'd much rather have the argument be about who's 4/5 than 1/2. You eliminate the scenarios like when Auburn was nasty and just watched helplessly, or USC the year before when LSU only had to beat a bullcrap Oklahoma team...the point is, I hate southern dudes that still think they are in college.

When Larry Poon Talks...

You listen. Last night, outside of a Pawn shop in Fredirick, MD I ran into Larry Poon and his entourage. Normally, he'd just brush by me like he would any other fan or x wife. Well, this time he stops. Right there. He turns to me and goes:

"I read your blog...Lately, it's been awful..."

He puts his sunglasses back on, snaps his fingers, his driver Ralphie breaks me off a 20 and they leave. It was surreal.

I got a few things from this.

1) Larry Poon reads my blog. That means something.

2) I guess he thinks I've been off my game lately. I admit the youtube vids were a copout.

3) As the group rolled past me like a steam engine, Nate Diamond gets lifts his cell from his mouth and says to me out of the side of his mouth: 'he wants more advice stuff kid...now get the f*ck out of my f*cking way'.

I'll do better I promise.

Youtube

Here are some of my favorite youtube videos. Anyone who wants to add to this should. These are just ones off the top of my head. I've watched others...so many others..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3DtKMEO9N0

-Leroy Jenkins

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4HtOJwql5Vo

-David Blaine street magic

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8G_trnJJYuI

-RBI Baseball 1986 Game 6 re-enactment

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4u6RlOhO0oU

-Crazy Japenese Dude on a trampoline

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-feLDOpJfYg

-YATTA!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XNEMloAZ7A

-Barry Sanders

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbq8Lv5frwQ

-Michael Jordan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsXjb1_XsCc

-Magic Johnson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WeJhJDOwXUM

-Mike Tyson's knockouts

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZ7KCmvbPyk

-The impersonations are absurd

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FP9UcAmASMI&mode=related&search=

-Drive by farting...i'm still laughing at this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSOSJ68xOBA

-Whistle Tips with Bubb Rubb and lil' Sis

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ccWrbGEFgI8

-Gears of War Trailer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIMA_wgq-ak

-Last and not least, the Transformers movie trailer.

That's all for today. Goodbye everyone. Goodbye forever until tomorrow.

Since I'm Tired...

I'm going to list things I hate. It's because I'm in a salty mood from tired...ness. Feel free to add on.

-I hate most fashion trends for women. Big sunglasses look terrible. How can fashion trends lead women to look worse? Sundresses, skirts, jeans and normal tops...and hats. Everything else is just stupid.

-I hate the word 'cigarrette'.

-I hate when people start advice with: 'why don't you just _____'. It is super condescending and makes it sound like it's easy. This huge bama that used to date my female roommate once said to me when I was looking to buy a car: 'Why don't you just get a certified BMW?' After a few seconds of staring, I said: 'because no one is going to help me with the payments.'

-I hate it when I don't feel like answering questions and am asked questions

-I hate it when other drivers on the road do not share my agenda.

-I hate when people who have meaningless jobs act as if they are extremely important

-I hate it when people that work for the people mentioned above don't realize that these dudes are complete chooches.

-I hate it when my friends bring terrible friends to the table. How could you be friends with that guy wearing the blue tuxedo shirt on New Years and me at the same time?

-I hate discord.

-I hate the time after the flight ends but before you can get off the plane.

-I hate being sweaty in work clothes

-I hate it when I did what I was supposed to do and because someone else screws up, I have to do more.

-I have double hatred for the above because you usually receive a combo of: 'You already did it but you have to do more' with 'you JUST have to do _____'. Its always something that doesn't sound that bad but is so upsetting to me...like the following:

-I hate talking on the phone to people I don't know.

-I hate making phone calls to business, agencies, individuals, groups of people in any sort of formal capacity.

-I hate it when people complain about the food in a restaurant/are rude to the waiter/do anything that could possibly upset the people that handle your food. I watch tv.

-I hate it when I don't get anything out of a performance.

-I hate how hard it is to get a smoothie where I live right now. This is America.

-I hate it when chicks complain about dudes.

-I hate people who cannot distinguish between minutia and import.

-I hate snakes.

-I hate when other people are frantic around me when they don't need to be

-I hate going to the grocery store. It amazes me that people do this on a regular basis.

-I hate putting things away.

-I hate cleaning.

-I hate medical dramas. They are all bad without exception always.

-I hate 'photo enforcement' traffic things

-I hate wine and wine people. It's rotten grapes dog. Simmer down.

-I hate the 'self-loathing' culture of the American intellectual elite where we blame our way of life for other people hating us.

-I hate the puncturing of my skin for any reason

-I hate when everyone is wrong about a movie and it gets too much credit.

-I hate being interrupted

-I hate being lied to

-I hate social agenda Republicans

-I hate big government Democrats

-I hate people that don't know anything so they say they are 'independent' or 'moderate' when they should just say: 'ignorant'.

I'm done now before this gets too long...I hate things that are too long.