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Below you will find the following elements: mirth, joy, humor, mockery, insinuation, sport, politics, comedy, rants, awkwardness, opinions, communacable disease, self-promotion, and lingo. Enjoy.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Cancun with 98 Rock


Next week, you can hear my amazing speaking voice on 98 rock. We'll be broadcasting from an astounding resort in Cancun. I am so lucky to be able to go on this trip. I have a great time whenever I go and hang out at 98 Rock and to be able to go on a once in a lifetime trip like this is truly phenomenal. It's going to be a blast. How do I know it will? It will be a blast because 'the work' is being on the radio. That's something I do for fun.

I can't wait. Check us out all week long.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Life Expectancy of the Ladies

This story from the Washington Post:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/04/21/AR2008042102406.html?hpid=topnews

Interesting stuff. It basically says that the life expectancy for women in 1000 or so counties around the US, has gone down for the first time in 100 years. In 1918, there was a tough case with the Spanish Influenza. La influenza del Espana pretty much took American women (and everyone else) to the woodshed. The death rate was so high that it lowered the average age where people died. This would not be the last evil thing to come from Spain. It was shortly thereafter that a thing called 'tapas' came to the US and once again targeted women.

This bizarre concept of communal food sharing continues to plague our society to this day. If you are not familiar with this bizarre epidemic, read on. Chicks go to a restaurant on purpose where portions are small and overpriced. They then order several dishes and pass them around. Because the dishes are small, chicks do not feel like piggies when they clean all the plates. No one can be sure of how much each girl ate so there is less judgement. If Michelle ordered a normal portion of food at a restaurant, cleaned her plate, she'd be thought of as a fatty mcfattersons. At tapas, Michelle can blend in along with Mary Margaret, Jen, Sarah, Sara, Sierra and also Sarah B (that's what we call her because there are like so many Sarahs!). It doesn't end here. They also order expensive drinks like sangria and are always a little shocked when the bill comes. "Can we split this up equally on the 6 different cards?"

Worse yet, men are often dragged into the equation. There are 2 kinds of men in the world. Tapas dudes (metro-sexuals, guys who believe that it's cool to eat tapas and they want to be cool so they do it - these are the same guys that wear blazers to bars and take their game with ladies very seriously, homosexuals, brow-beaten boyfriends who can either go or get in an argument,
and guys that don't know what tapas is only to be stunned at the process and vow never to come back) and non tapas dudes. What will often occur is as follows:

-Men will decide on tight dishes (steak, chicken, seafood, potato...other hearty fare etc.)
-Chicks decide on untight dishes (kelp, seaweed, chick peas, sprouts, tofu, beets, cabbage, broccoli, radish, kale, squash, zucchini, okra, lentils, leek, shallots, artichoke, parsnip, skirret, turnip, parsnip, yacon, eggplant, soybean, fennel, celery, jicama...etc.)
-Food arrives. Dudes have no interest in untight dishes and seek to get full off of the limited portions of tight food.
-Chicks assume that everyone wants to share everything (deep down, they know...they have to know. Really? You thought I'd take a portion of the beet salad and the kale with shallots instead of the steak and mashed potatoes? Sure you did.). Dudes are forced to eat less tightness and try to eat the fish food. Chicks are happy because they didn't order 'fatty' things but got to eat them anyway. Dudes are miserable because they are still hungry, or the alternative is they have to order more food and are now into the restaurant for $100 because everyone should pay the same amount for that extra bottle of wine when you only had 1 beer.
-Dudes don't say anything because seggs is likely to follow.
-Chicks think this was a great outing

I know you see the correlation. You have to. Women are dying because of tapas....what's that? It's not...it's obesity?...No I know that but I was....no you're right....no I know it's not responsible reporting...I'm not actually a rep....no...OK...so it's smoking and fat people in rural areas that don't exercise?...So they needed a study to tell you that it's bad for you to...yeah I know...wow...get the peace prize ready...no that was a a joke...what do you mean you expect better from a comic?...real nice thing to say...yeah whatever....see you Christmas.

Don't do drugs or tapas.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Google and Me Are In a Fight

I have google ad sense. It's a pretty cool idea. What isn't cool sometimes is that GAS will toss up some things that are in direct contradiction to things that are good.

I'll give you an example. I hate clinton, hillary as much as I've ever hated someone I have never met. I am literally moved to anger every time I see that phony, 2 faced, panderer on tv. I clicked on my blog yesterday and there, at the top of the screen, was an ad to help clinton, hillary get elected president.

Really GAS? I know it's keyword driven but good heavens. I post something once every couple weeks about how terrible, slimy, untruthful and disastrous I think she is. I bet there will be another ad based on this post. Ugh. Maybe I can influence the ad? We'll see. Top of my head:

-Whitewater
-1st time a 1st lady subpoenaed/subject of criminal investigation
-Castle Grande real estate scam
-Evading prosecution by not being able to find documents for her days at Rose Law Firm for over 2 years until they were located by an intern in a White House office
-Her astounding conduct of having Bill release the extremist FALN terrorists that bombed a police precinct in New York. They were granted a pardon despite not asking for one so that clinton, hillary could carry favor with the latino vote in her upcoming New York senate campaign.
-The extraordinary #s of associates pleading guilty, refusing to testify, or fleeing the country
-plea agreement for illegal campaign finance
-Health Care policy failure
-Lying about being under fire in Bosnia
-Overstating her role in foreign policy events and taking credit for things that happened while she was alive

That was top of my head. I'm not doing any research. I shouldn't have to. So, let's go GAS! Me and you bruh!

Monday, April 07, 2008

Friday Late Show

That's the answer that Steve Martin gave when he was asked why he left standup. I felt like leaving standup this past Friday night around 1:30 AM.

Now, I had a great time at the Baltimore Comedy Factory this past weekend. Thanks to Mickey Cucchiella and Joe Robinson. Thursday night was good and the 1st 2 shows on Friday night were awesome. I got a miniature standing O (3 people) after my set on show 2. It was a blast. Then the late show happened. Ugh. Outstanding young comic (Peabo) Bryson Turner opened the show to awkward chatter, disinterest, and drunken stares. Nothing he could have done. These people were not going to give in.

I went up determined to do something to win them over. One of my weaknesses in comedy is when I don't feel energy from the audience, I lower my energy. I mail it in. I can feel myself doing it and it pisses me off like nothing else. It's a defense mechanism that someone ho is afraid to fail uses to not feel so bad about himself when he eats it. You can blame the crowd all you want but they paid. They don't have to do anything...and these people took advantage of that right. A group of people were talking the entire time, most just stared with a glassy eyed drunkeness that reminded me of walking through an opium den in Instanbul.

So what did I do? I lowered my commitment. I made cracks on the side about how annoying they were about not laughing at stuff. This is such BS. I hate it when comics do this and I hate it when I do it. It's this lame attempt to shift the blame. 'This is funny. It's your fault'. In sports, if you give everything you have and lose, you just got beat. If you don't do everything you can, get yourself into trouble, then blame the ref when something doesn't go your way, you're a b*tch. Well, I was a b*tch on Friday night. Was the crowd tough? Of course. Could I have done my material to the best of my ability and still bombed? Yup. Did I do a half-a$$ job then piss and moan for 20 minutes about how the crowd sucked? Sure did.

Still, that Friday late show was a challenge. It would have broken the spirit of a lot of people. It broke me and I am still ticked. In fact, my set the next night at the Hyatt was only so so as it was still in my head.

Back on the horse tonight tho. Come see me this Saturday at Comix. I'm doing the New Jacks Show. It's a good one that humans can enjoy.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Another Case Against Hillary


In my never ending quest to make sure that Hillary Clinton does not have any chance to win the presidency of the United States, here is yet another example of the horrendous character of this lying witch. Please note that you don't have to dig too hard to find countless other examples. Read and be informed.

The Tall Tale of TuzlaHillary Clinton's Bosnian misadventure should disqualify her from the presidency, but the airport landing is the least of it.


The punishment visited on Sen. Hillary Clinton for her flagrant, hysterical, repetitive, pathological lying about her visit to Bosnia should be much heavier than it has yet been and should be exacted for much more than just the lying itself. There are two kinds of deliberate and premeditated deceit, commonly known as suggestio falsi and suppressio veri. (Neither of them is covered by the additionally lying claim of having "misspoken.") The first involves what seems to be most obvious in the present case: the putting forward of a bogus or misleading account of events. But the second, and often the more serious, means that the liar in question has also attempted to bury or to obscure something that actually is true. Let us examine how Sen. Clinton has managed to commit both of these offenses to veracity and decency and how in doing so she has rivaled, if not indeed surpassed, the disbarred and perjured hack who is her husband and tutor.

I remember disembarking at the Sarajevo airport in the summer of 1992 after an agonizing flight on a U.N. relief plane that had had to "corkscrew" its downward approach in order to avoid Serbian flak and ground fire. As I hunched over to scuttle the distance to the terminal, a mortar shell fell as close to me as I ever want any mortar shell to fall. The vicious noise it made is with me still. And so is the shock I felt at seeing a civilized and multicultural European city bombarded round the clock by an ethno-religious militia under the command of fascistic barbarians. I didn't like the Clinton candidacy even then, but I have to report that many Bosnians were enthused by Bill Clinton's pledge, during that ghastly summer, to abandon the hypocritical and sordid neutrality of the George H.W. Bush/James Baker regime and to come to the defense of the victims of ethnic cleansing.

I am recalling these two things for a reason. First, and even though I admit that I did once later misidentify a building in Sarajevo from a set of photographs, I can tell you for an absolute certainty that it would be quite impossible to imagine that one had undergone that experience at the airport if one actually had not. Yet Sen. Clinton, given repeated chances to modify her absurd claim to have operated under fire while in the company of her then-16-year-old daughter and a USO entertainment troupe, kept up a stone-faced and self-loving insistence that, yes, she had exposed herself to sniper fire in the cause of gaining moral credit and, perhaps to be banked for the future, national-security "experience." This must mean either a) that she lies without conscience or reflection; or b) that she is subject to fantasies of an illusory past; or c) both of the above. Any of the foregoing would constitute a disqualification for the presidency of the United States.

Yet this is only to underline the YouTube version of events and the farcical or stupid or Howard Wolfson (take your pick) aspects of the story. But here is the historical rather than personal aspect, which is what you should keep your eye on. Note the date of Sen. Clinton's visit to Tuzla. She went there in March 1996. By that time, the critical and tragic phase of the Bosnia war was effectively over, as was the greater part of her husband's first term. What had happened in the interim? In particular, what had happened to the 1992 promise, four years earlier, that genocide in Bosnia would be opposed by a Clinton administration?

In the event, President Bill Clinton had not found it convenient to keep this promise. Let me quote from Sally Bedell Smith's admirable book on the happy couple, For Love of Politics:

Taking the advice of Al Gore and National Security Advisor Tony Lake, Bill agreed to a proposal to bomb Serbian military positions while helping the Muslims acquire weapons to defend themselves—the fulfillment of a pledge he had made during the 1992 campaign. But instead of pushing European leaders, he directed Secretary of State Warren Christopher merely to consult with them. When they balked at the plan, Bill quickly retreated, creating a "perception of drift." The key factor in Bill's policy reversal was Hillary, who was said to have "deep misgivings" and viewed the situation as "a Vietnam that would compromise health-care reform." The United States took no further action in Bosnia, and the "ethnic cleansing" by the Serbs was to continue for four more years, resulting in the deaths of more than 250,000 people.

I can personally witness to the truth of this, too. I can remember, first, one of the Clintons' closest personal advisers—Sidney Blumenthal—referring with acid contempt to Warren Christopher as "a blend of Pontius Pilate with Ichabod Crane." I can remember, second, a meeting with Clinton's then-Secretary of Defense Les Aspin at the British Embassy. When I challenged him on the sellout of the Bosnians, he drew me aside and told me that he had asked the White House for permission to land his own plane at Sarajevo airport, if only as a gesture of reassurance that the United States had not forgotten its commitments. The response from the happy couple was unambiguous: He was to do no such thing, lest it distract attention from the first lady's health care "initiative."

It's hardly necessary for me to point out that the United States did not receive national health care in return for its acquiescence in the murder of tens of thousands of European civilians. But perhaps that is the least of it. Were I to be asked if Sen. Clinton has ever lost any sleep over those heaps of casualties, I have the distinct feeling that I could guess the answer. She has no tears for anyone but herself. In the end, and over her strenuous objections, the United States and its allies did rescue our honor and did put an end to Slobodan Milosevic and his state-supported terrorism. Yet instead of preserving a polite reticence about this, or at least an appropriate reserve, Sen. Clinton now has the obscene urge to claim the raped and slaughtered people of Bosnia as if their misery and death were somehow to be credited to her account! Words begin to fail one at this point. Is there no such thing as shame? Is there no decency at last? Let the memory of the truth, and the exposure of the lie, at least make us resolve that no Clinton ever sees the inside of the White House again.


Story Link: http://www.slate.com/id/2187780/pagenum/all/#page_start