This is why people quit comedy. You do shows which you hope let you do shows that you want and the whole thing was for nothing. I know that didn't make sense.
The point is, you keep putting these irons in the fire in hopes that something good will get created. It really takes it's toll when you all you pull out is another piece of scrap metal time an time again. You see other people making it and it breaks your heart. Not because you don't want success for them, but because you know you deserve it too. It's heartbreaking because it takes so much out of you and of the people around you. You sacrifice and make them sacrifice too. For what? It's hard to see when you go through a lot and feel like you are right back where you started. You can remember the good shows and that's what keeps you going. You know you can do it and that, is literally the only thing to keep you going. If you stunk, and couldn't crush ever, you wouldn't want this as bad. Deep down you'd know that you don't deserve it. But you do and here you are, wondering what the point is.
After the show I had tonight, I am having a really tough figuring it out. The uncertainty makes me remember all horrendous times I've experienced since I started doing comedy. They compound themselves in my mind like an avalanche of negativity. Getting passed over, time and again is a slap in the face of some harsh reality. Hope can only get you so far. Eventually, you realize that NO ONE has your interests in mind. Not ever. That's as discouraging as anything else.
I'm not walking away just yet. At the end of the day, week, month, or year I have to be able to look in the mirror and ask myself: 'did I do everything I possibly could to make it?' I haven't yet. I'm closer than I was before, but not yet.
Let me close by saying: F&*^@*(!!!!!!!!!
