The FunnyDanny Blog

Video Clip

2008-12-10T16:09:00.001-05:00

Hey friends and others who are here now, nothing posted for a while. Here is something!

This week

2008-11-18T12:15:00.002-05:00

Some stuff coming up this week:

-I'm closing out the show at Ri-Ra this Wednesday in Arlington. Never been, should be fun. Show starts at 8.

-I'm closing out the show at the Topaz Bar in Dupont. Been lots of times, should be fun.

-I'm featuring at Magooby's Joke House this weekend in Baltimore with Richie Byrne. These shows should be a great time. 2 shows on Friday and Saturday at 8 and 10:15. That's PM.

-I'll be on the morning show on 98 Rock on Thursday morning. Listen live.

I tried to solve a rubik's cube for 4 hours last night. Totally unsuccessful.

Come see me this week!

Little Big Guy

2008-10-11T16:20:00.002-04:00

This Saturday the 18th of October, my buddy JL Cauvin is putting on a really cool show. I'm on it which does not help the coolness I guess, but it's still happening.

The venue is the Triad Theater which is a great space for a show. It's at 158 W 72nd Street. Show starts at 9. You've got to make reservations because it will sell out.

Go to www.triadnyc.com.

Tix are $15 and you'll buy some adult sodas. Should be a great time.

Check out the trailer for the show here at: www.jlcauvin.com.

Comedy Sucks

2008-10-04T21:24:00.002-04:00

This is why people quit comedy. You do shows which you hope let you do shows that you want and the whole thing was for nothing. I know that didn't make sense.

The point is, you keep putting these irons in the fire in hopes that something good will get created. It really takes it's toll when you all you pull out is another piece of scrap metal time an time again. You see other people making it and it breaks your heart. Not because you don't want success for them, but because you know you deserve it too. It's heartbreaking because it takes so much out of you and of the people around you. You sacrifice and make them sacrifice too. For what? It's hard to see when you go through a lot and feel like you are right back where you started. You can remember the good shows and that's what keeps you going. You know you can do it and that, is literally the only thing to keep you going. If you stunk, and couldn't crush ever, you wouldn't want this as bad. Deep down you'd know that you don't deserve it. But you do and here you are, wondering what the point is.

After the show I had tonight, I am having a really tough figuring it out. The uncertainty makes me remember all horrendous times I've experienced since I started doing comedy. They compound themselves in my mind like an avalanche of negativity. Getting passed over, time and again is a slap in the face of some harsh reality. Hope can only get you so far. Eventually, you realize that NO ONE has your interests in mind. Not ever. That's as discouraging as anything else.

I'm not walking away just yet. At the end of the day, week, month, or year I have to be able to look in the mirror and ask myself: 'did I do everything I possibly could to make it?' I haven't yet. I'm closer than I was before, but not yet.

Let me close by saying: F&*^@*(!!!!!!!!!

Shows Up and You Shows Up

2008-10-01T17:49:00.002-04:00

I've got a show this Saturday at the Laugh Lounge. It's a cool club in the LES. It's an early show and should be a lot of fun. A bunch of guys are getting looked at by the club so hopefully it's an opportunity for me to work a little bit.

Details:

Laugh Lounge

151 Essex Street (between Rivington and Stanton)

6:30 PM

$12 tix

Let me know if you want to come.

I'm trying to get to writing more often again. (sounds of applause... dwindling...and gone)

Matchups

2008-09-30T12:03:00.005-04:00

Who wins in a fight?

2 Jonas brothers vs John Mayer?

AC Slater from the wrestling episode on Saved By the Bell vs Chris Griffin in the Family Guy when he wrestles the imaginary bear?

Jennifer Aniston from the time she was on Mad TV vs. Courtney Cox from Masters of the Universe?

Paris: The City of Light Windy Apples

2008-09-29T09:47:00.003-04:00

I just spent a week in Paris, France not Texas. It was an amazing trip. I'm broke now (not an update) but it was worth it. There are so many incredible sights in this city and it's pretty easy to get around.

Here are the differences between Paris and New York City. Yes, this is definitive.

-The Subway system is incredible in Paris. NYC Subway is good but doesn't hold a candle to Paris. Here's why:

In Paris, the train comes every 4 minutes. Literally. Every line, always. Every 4 minutes.

In NYC, it's easy to get uptown/downtown but getting east/west is often a pain in the an-us. In Paris, the system is like a spiderweb with stations constantly intersecting.

-Everything is older in Paris. You can walk by a neighborhood church, poke your head in, and see that it was built in 1648. Pretty neat.

-They show American shows in Paris and their original tv programming is atrocious. For episodes of Law & also Order, the add stuff like this: "How do you say...le.....BUM BUM". Note: this is not true.

-The reputation for Parisians being rude is largely unfounded. However, there are some times when you are astounded. Examples:

1) We went to sit down and have a coffee. There were 14 tables open. We sat at one. The waitress eventually comes over and asked us: "Etes-vous ici pour les dejeuner?" Which means: 'Are you here for lunch?'

We said (in broken French): 'non. soulement pour cafe.' Which is : 'no. Only for coffee'

The waitress then went on a tirade which we eventually realized was about the fact that we were not allowed to sit where we were sitting, with 13 other open tables, if we were only going to drink coffee. We were made to move 6 feet to a different table that was not differently marked in any way. There were no signs indicating this policy and no way of knowing which tables would cause someone to chastise paying customers because of their seating choices.

2) We were looking for a train station called the RER. We asked a local: 'Ou est le RER station?' He looked puzzled. We each took turns trying to say: 'RER' with our best fraccent. He continued to not understand. Then finally, he shook his finger at us and said: 'oh...RER (in a fake American doing French accent)...non...'

Then he over-exaggerated the Frenounciation: 'est. EH-RRR-AAA-EH-RRR'. He then pointed across the street no more than 150 feet from where we were standing. Really dude?

Still, phenomenal trip.

I'm still really pissed at the bailout. The thing I think that not enough people are saying (not enough people that can influence the decision anyway) is that the reason this call is being made is because our leaders are scared to tell Americans that we have to change the way we live. From the top down, over the last 30 years, we've been living over our means. We've borrowed and spent and borrowed some more. This isn't just Wall Street, it's everyone. It's the developers that continued to throw up McMansions, it's banks that frivolously lending, and people borrowing more than they could pay back, it's universities inflating tuition forcing people to borrow some more, it's US car companies refusing to plan for a future, but most of all, it's a lack of willingness to change our life styles. God forbid anyone (meaning a politician) points the finger at us and says: 'you are living irresponsibly. And it's time for a change. We'll all be better off in the long run if you make a few sacrifices now.'

This can't happen in today's climate. One thing liberals and conservatives have in common these days is a place to put blame. Each side has a boogeyman it can point to and say: 'Here's why we're fooked'. Gone are the days of 'ask not what your country can do for you.' We'll sit here now as this enormous band aid gets syphoned out of our pockets and pat ourselves on the head and tell ourselves that everything is OK now. Well it isn't. In years past, liberals would always want to blame the system for the failings of individuals and conservatives would always choose to blame the individuals, well, right now both sides would be right.

Quick Article

2008-09-20T10:19:00.003-04:00

Great piece written very clearly on the Wall Street Crisis:

Washington Post Op-Ed piece.

The Bailout is Bullsh*t

2008-09-20T07:29:00.002-04:00

This is political I guess. Sorry, but it's important to me. Giddyup.

This market bailout by the federal government is good in the short term (as evidenced by the 2 day rebound of stock prices on Wall Street which pretty much erased the losses earlier in the week). Confidence is back. Good old Uncle Sam to the rescue. Here's what it really means:

With the money that you and I (probably you because I'm a poor comic) put into the federal government was used to erase horribly irresponsible fiscal behavior. This is beyond debate. Lots of smart folks saw this credit crisis coming years ago, some saw it recently, whatever the case, enough people knew this was coming to have prevented a national and international financial crisis for the US.

Take The Economist, in 2005, they called the housing bubble bursting because it was obvious to them, even then, because people were borrowing beyond their means, lenders were lining up ('when banks compete you win!' Heard that slogan before?) to toss money at anyone who wanted it, and the market was so inflated, a collapse was imminent. They also said this would lead to a wave of 'failures'. Yup.

There are more but this is not an I told you so. What it really is, at its core, is an old boys club trying to stay on their surfboards as the latest wave lines their pockets, increases their margins, and keeps them rich. Long term fiscal solvency, once a staple of Wall Street giants like Lehman Brothers, was cashed in long ago. No one went against the tide. It's easy to say they should have known better. Even if I did know better, I am not paid for that knowledge. There are people who's job it is to predict things like this and if they did predict it, no one listened.

Now, here is why this government bailout is wrong:

-It's corporate welfare. You know how people complain about 'white collar criminals' serving easy sentences when they stole millions and regular criminals doing hard time because they robbed a grand from one person? Where here you go. The giants screw up, we pay. Note that if said giant recovers and thrives, you and I will never see that money but that's secondary.

-The US has moved away from LBJ's social welfare state. We're not in the business of saying, 'Hey you screwed up, here are all your losses back and some money to start again'. It's about risk. Where are the FDIC bailouts for small businesses and a nearly extinct middle class? It's silly right? Guy opens a bar, the bar fails because he charged $.50 per beer, he gets all his money back from the government. That would never happen right?

-It's obvious to those of you that are politically oriented that I'm a fiscal conservative. To that end, I have always believed the greatest factor in economics is consumer confidence. If people feel like they are getting value, they spend and all is well. Now in the short term, we've got that with the bailout. I'd trade the short term high five party for a dependable market long term. We have literally put a finger in the damn with a 1000 leaks and are calling the problem fixed. Once we wake up after the weekend, no one can afford to fill up their gas tanks, homes are still being foreclosed at record rates and we're paying more for less.

-Philosophically, I loathe government intervention to make up for irresponsible behavior. In the same way I hate the idea of someone receiving more welfare for more poor decisions, I hate the idea of Wall Street cronies who've cost the nation billions so they can go back to business as usual, getting bailed out. This is a slippery slope people. Alarms should be going off as this happened on a conservative president's watch (albeit that watch was blindfolded, drunk, and locked in a basement with loud sitar music blaring).

-Here's the last thing I'll say about this. Confidence and hope are great things. They really are. But would you rather build a house of cards or one made of steel that was hard to build? Right now, we're choosing the card house. We'd rather people feel good about themselves then do the right thing for the long term health of our country. I find this step taken by our government to be a slap in the face to the thousands of Americans who are scraping to get by. The market was crashing and we fixed it... for now.

Spoiled

2008-09-08T14:37:00.003-04:00

That's how I feel right now. I counted it up and I did 13 sets in 10 days when I was out west in Seattle and Vancouver. My comedy experiences in both cities was just incredible.

Seattle: This is a true comedy community. The story, the basic one that is, goes like this. The big club in town wasn't run very well. The manager wasn't great about local talent and generally left a lot to be desired. So instead of competing with each other for a few scraps from the table, the comics came together and worked their butts off. They started their own scene, worked out deals with venues and sponsors, and really started something special. Their shows draw GREAT comedy crowds and it was fantastic to perform out there. Now, the Peoples Republic of Komedy is a brand name that has carved out a permanent home in Seattle. It's big enough that they have their own section in an enormous festival that features acts from all across the country.

They took hold of their own comedy destiny. I met a bunch of fabulous comics out there that are products of this great scene. The amount of work they put in is staggering compared to the meager efforts that guys like me have ever done. Really inspiring. My final thought on this is that no one out there would ever sh*t on guys like Curt Schackelford; someone that gives stagetime should be supported. Even if a majority of the comics don't like the way he books/runs his room, he has created a viable scene outside of the Club Monopoly. This is super important.

Vancouver: One of the most beautiful cities in the world. The comedy club is perfect. Seriously. It's a perfect club. It was designed for comedy and it is the most fun place to work ever. The worst night there this past weekend is still better than anywhere else I've worked. I spent each day walking around outside taking in some badass scenery. They have it all: mountains, beach, river/bay/ocean, great architecture, and green space. Also, the club has popcorn that you can snack on. Popcorn.

Why don't you just move there Danny? You want to know why? Because the coins matter. I hate change (and not just things being altered, I do get uncomfortable with things being different). I cannot stand it. I hate coins. I hate keeping track of them, dealing with them, and using them. In Canada, like Europe, they have dollar coins. They also have 2 dollar coins. 2! So annoying. You could be holding 9$ in coins and barely even know it. I cannot keep track of them and that's why I could never live in Canada. Is that the only reason? Yes. 100%. That's it and it is beyond negotiation.

Back in NYC now. Got some stuff coming up. Look for some new podcasts soon. Should be fun.

Bumbershoot...It's Gone

2008-09-02T20:31:00.002-04:00

Awesome. What a great f-ing time I had here in Seattle, the windy apple. They have a good scene out here and it was really cool to be welcomed so readily. I would encourage the DC scene to act accordingly. A bunch of guys came in from NY and LA and the Seattle guys welcomed us with open arms. We got to perform on incredible shows in front of packed houses. I hope to acquire some video documenting these things.

For the fest itself, it is superbly run. All the comedy shows were sold out, people could afford to attend them, and the shows themselves were run effectively by people that know comedy. Our show, Sweet Haven, was a juggernaut of happy. Everyone had great sets, the running sketch was a home run, and the crowd loved us. We had people coming up to us into the next day telling us how much fun they had. It felt great. Every comic should get the chance to have a great show in front of a packed out theater full of willing people. It was like a gift.

I was able to get stage time at a club called Mainstage...which is unfortunately going out of business but that's not the point. The point is, they didn't have to give me 2 sets and they did. Cool people over there.

I'm off to Vancouver on Thursday to work my favorite club in the world, the Vancouver Yuk Yuk's. This place is a comedy machine. I can't wait.

NYC, prepare for my homecoming on Sunday.

NFL starts Thursday. My Skins are a 5-11 team. We'll see if they finish that way.

Seattle and Some Thoughts

2008-08-27T13:12:00.003-04:00

It's been a while. That's my fault. Here's what I have going on and some thoughts in a quick hit style:

-I'm going to Seattle tomorrow for the Bumbershoot Festival. I'm really excited to perform out there. I've become friends with some Seattle guys and the scene sounds really cool. I'm also excited to drink coffee.

-I bought a Mac. I bought it out of anger. I got so mad at my Dell laptop that I went online and bought the Macbook I'm using now. Note: it's awesome. One upgrade I put in was to increase the RAM to 4G instead of the standard 2G. I love speed. It's the most important thing to me by far. I'm sure there is a pretty hard and fast rule about 'purchasing major things out of anger'. Whatevs.

-Just wanted to make a quick comment on my buddy Joe Robinson no longer being employed by 98 Rock. Joe as handled this situation with nothing but class. While Joe was there, he was an enormous asset to local comics. His show was a great place for guys to showcase themselves in an environment where guys 'got it'. Along with his partner Theo, Joe created a phenomenal outlet for comics to entertain a radio audience. He facilitated, put in more than he got back, and sacrificed whatever he had to in order for the show to work. I can tell you 1st hand experience from being down in Cancun with the show that it was really good. It's a shame (and Joe has covered this on his blog) that the show was probably doomed from the start. But everyone should know that it was no fault of Joe's.

-I'm also excited to go back to my favorite comedy club on Earth, the Vancouver Yuk Yuks. I'm there the week after Bumbershoot

-Sweet Haven (the NY show I'm involved in) will be on hiatus for a month or so until we all get back from out west. We were going strong at Rififi until it closed and now we are back at square one searching for a venue. It's hard. Not impossible, just hard.

-I did a show at a new club last night. The crowd was small but I actually had a good time with them. It was one of those shows where, in years past, I might have dropped my energy and mailed it in so I didn't look foolish. I didn't do that which gave me some satisfaction. It's the biggest thing I struggle with so it's exciting to feel like I've grown as a comic.

-I'm really disappointed in Obama's choice of Biden. It was a move, in my mind that was not indicative of his campaign to this point. It reeks of 'over thinking'. To me, it looked like a move to win Pennsylvania as Biden is from Scranton and is known as the 3rd PA Senator. While that doesn't seem terribly flawed, Biden has been in Washington for 36 years. He is an inside the beltway man. This is in conflict with the 'change we can believe in' mantra. Biden is a business as usual limousine liberal which doesn't go with what Obama has presented to this point. Biden does have TONS of foreign policy experience which could be an asset but it looks like a panic move. 'What is the criticism against us? That we don't have experience. OK, get someone with experience' Kaine or Bayh. Don't play down to your opponent. You don't change who you are because of who you are going against, you play your game. It worked in the primary bruh. You beat the bitch with the energy of your volunteers, new voters, a simple message, and better strategy.

-I also believe that Biden will cost Obama at some point. He is prone to spouting off and saying inappropriate things. He is also a well documented plagiarist. Does it bode well that the Repubs are happy with the selection? Don't forget that Biden said: 'I don't think he's ready' during the primaries. I don't see this partnership working well.

-I also think McCain is about to make the same kind of mistake with Mitt Romney. Attempting to win some support in Michigan and appealing to the conservative base. Just be the maverick, pick Lieberman and be who you are. My boy attorney Jon also suggested Kay Bailey Hutchinson who might help bring the evilbitch Dems over to McCain's side.

-That's what I got for now. Thanks for reading.

Peoples Republic of Komedy Radio Blog

2008-06-28T17:48:00.001-04:00

PROK TALK.

Here it be:

Sweet Haven is Weekly Starting in July!

2008-06-19T18:01:00.002-04:00

It's because we brought it. What.

Stay tuned for updates.

Sweet Haven on Sunday

2008-06-13T18:59:00.001-04:00

Check it. It's going to be amazing:

The B*tch Is Back

2008-06-04T15:51:00.003-04:00

She never left I guess. In fact, she won't leave. I hate her. God I hate her so much. I'm not saying her name because I don't want the google ads on the page to appear so that anyone reading will be tempted to go to her dumb website. I will just say that her name ryhmes with Shmillary Flinton and she should be taken to a far away location.

I try to be a pretty understanding guy; meaning, I always like to argue 'the devil's advocate' position or attempt to identify with an opposing viewpoint (as a side, I know I'm stubborn/obstinate/obtuse, I'm just saying that even in my convictions, I can often understand where the counters are...even if they are wrong and my beliefs empirically correct). That said, I literally cannot see how someone can support this woman. Shmillary tops herself every week. This information isn't just for insiders, it's available to the public.

Take the Michigan/Florida gong shows for example.

Both states were upset that the initial primary states (New Hampshire/Iowa/South Carolina) had too much influence. They wanted their states to be in the national conversation. This is a valid concern. It is. Because the 1st states have to be first, we now start our primary season in January. Absurd. It takes way too long. And why should these select states have this arbitrary huge influence while states like Michigan and FLA are afterthoughts? This is a great debate. Just not for right now.

The Democratic Party (via the DNC) of which Shmillary Flinton said again last night that she is 'COMMITTED' to, voted to strip MI and FL of their delegate votes if they moved up their primaries. The states did so the DNC did what they said they would do. All the candidates involved in the primary who are able to gain a platform because of the Democratic party agreed to remove their names from the ballot...except for that absolute snake Shmillary Flinton who in her black and evil heart knew that she might be able to twist the crusade of each state that has a legitimate beef with the current system into some kind of leverage for her campaign to suck all the life out of the universe. So there we were, sighting flighty stats like exit polls and 'voter intent', Shmillary's people are asking for the rules to be changed after the game ended. Amazing.

I bet you want an analogy to elucidate this. Well giddyup.

A major league baseball game is played. The visiting team loses 5-4. The visiting team, after the game is over files a protest with major league baseball, not that the home team cheated mind you but something to the effect of 'the distance of 90 feet between the bases is arbitrary. Why not 89 ft or 95 ft?' Then, the visiting team wanted the base hits they got in batting practice to count for their final result in the game. No one else was on the field but those were good hits!!!!

I am still in shock that there was a compromise. Counting half the delegates was such a cop-out. It was just a way to say: 'Look Shmillary, we gave you something' because they knew she would still ultimately lose....or would she?

She still can't say it. She asked for $ last night. She is trying to decide how to angle for the VP nomination or to run as an independent after using the Democratic party for the last several years. She repeats her '18 million votes' total every chance she gets. If she is the VP nominee, I will not vote for Obama. Period. She needs to go away...like to hell where they have lots of sniper fire and pandering. I f*cking hate her more than I hate social injustice, fear, excessive heat and when girls respond to game from terrible dudes named 'Wynn' or 'Yardley'.

GO AWAY!

PS. In case you wondering who the picture is of, it's how I picture Shmillary Flinton. It's an immortal inherently evil being named Morgoth for Middle Earth. Sauron was a captain in his army as Morgoth ruled the free peoples of Middle Earth in the darkest age in the history of the world. I used this photo because I couldn't find one of 'Ungoliant' the wicked giant spider that spins darkness from her foul womb to cover the world in sadness.

Wednesday of '05

2008-06-02T15:51:00.002-04:00

I was trying to think of something to write about today and decided to go over some old blogs for inspiration. I came across this piece and had an amazing time recalling the event that inspired it:

Its from September of '05:

Mexican Restaurants and Dremos

Stunning. That is the only word I can think of to describe the show I did Sunday night. I did a Christian Comedy night at a Mexican restaurant in Germantown. I could not make that up. There was gospel music playing before the show started and the intro I had to memorize for the headliner went just like this: "Here she is, all the way from Springfield, VA. She's here to bless you. Please put your hands together and praise the lord... ____________ (her name)"

She then sang some gospel music and the people loved it. No one in the place liked my jokes. The very nice lady who put the show together promised the crowd that none of the comics would make fun of the audience. After my jokes drew zero laughs, I resorted to making fun of the audience. There was a freshman in high school there and I gave him the tools to be the most popular kid in class for at least one day. His dad was cool and laughed at the appropriate times so he really stood out.

I called out one guy because he wouldn't clap and made it so awkward that he had no choice but to clap. I won. One of the comics ate a piece of chicken on stage and then did hurricane jokes. I will recommend him to the Boston Comedy Festival. Zing! It still hurts goddamnit.

End old post.

This was shortly after I had been bounced right out of the Boston Comedy Festival in the 1st round. The chick that won on that show was just terrible. And yet...I went back the next year. Good call.

Back to the Christian show. I mean wow. I had totally forgotten about this. What an astounding event. This lady didn't really tell jokes. I don't really know how to describe it. Here's a loose recollection of something she might have said:

"y'all know when them boys is outside...them little boys outside just gettin' dirty...y'all know you be freakin' out...good lord have mercy praise his name you be freakin' out...you be in that house losin' yo' mind girl...'I know you ain't comin' in the house with mud on them shoes!' Lord have mercy bless his holy name..."

I wish I remembered her name so that you could look it up. I didn't want to put it in the original post because it might have gotten back to her but I think the statue of limitations is up on that fear. But, I forget things. And yes, as I've mentioned before, I have ADD. Take that anonymous poster that hates me.

How Could Anyone Not Like You Jerry?

2008-05-20T16:32:00.003-04:00

I've come to learn that there are some people that don't like me. For someone who's entire life, literally, is based on the acceptance of others, this is hard to take. I cannot stand it; repeat, cannot stand it, when I know someone doesn't like me. Even if I don't like that person, I am driven crazy if I perceive any dislike from said party.

Recently, I posted a guest blog on the really cool DC Comedy blog. The guys that run this blog do a great job of keeping content going and posting things (not always popular) that spawn discussion. My buddy sent out an email asking for some content. I had something on my mind so I threw it together and sent it off. I don't think it was the best written piece I've ever constructed but I felt like it was a decent expression of what I hoped would be a pretty simple message.

You can read the post and the wealth of angry responses here. The comments are really interesting. Here's what typically happens on this site:

-Someone will post something that is thoughtful and worth discussing. It may not be a popular stance or opinion but it is usually well thought out and from a comic with a valuable perspective.
-Some will agree or disagree
-An anonymous person will attack the person/blog with things that have very little to do with the posting.
-The poster or others that have commented will engage in a written feud with this anonymous person that goes on for a day or two until a new post goes up

That's pretty much what happened when I put up my post. The anonymous commenter (or at least one of them) clearly knows me. He/she also clearly does not like me. The anger in the comments is clear. My point (again, I wish I was more eloquent and clear in my writing) was that it's easy to blame others about why you are not getting the stagetime/shows you want. I see that as selfish and an easy way out. I encourage comics to make their own opportunities because we are not owed anything. Complaining about the manner in which someone books a show is a waste of time as it is that person's show. He/she books the way they book. A booker can book however they want. They can book terribly (often the norm) or they can book great. Either way, they (bookers) do not owe comics anything. We are dependent upon them. My contention is that we have to find a way to make our own breaks instead of complaining about the way that a person runs his/her room.

One possibility is that the anonymous person is a friend of mine who is doing an amazing job f-ing with me. The other, and the possibility that I believe, is that this person really doesn't like me. Something about me and/or this site so drives this person to such levels of anger, that he/she has no choice but to make the harshest comments possible. I refused to get into the kind of digital shouting match that quickly devolves into the 'why don't you kill yourself f@ggot!?!?' It was just incredible to me to watch this play out.

There are some who assumed I was directing the post at specific targets and because I didn't specify anyone, was 'calling out' certain guys. Confusing? I don't get it either.

The thing that gets me I guess is how quickly this devolved. I tried to say, 'stop feeling sorry for yourself and go make it happen'. Somehow, it meant I was calling everyone a hack, telling newbies to quit, and had never offered a kind word to anyone in my 4.5 years of struggling as a comic in an area that is really tough for comics to make it big in. I won't waste any more space responding to these kind of shots because it can only come across as defensive. I'd just offer that I disagree.

That's it and that's all.

Sweethaven Bootleg Video

2008-05-15T18:31:00.001-04:00

We snuck a camera into the 1st Sweethaven Show at Rififi. This Zapruda like footage captures some of the absurdity.

Specter on Spygate...How About Seattle Bruh!

2008-05-15T17:08:00.002-04:00

Am I satisfied with the investigation...I said no, no, no.

Try to make me believe its over...I say no, no, no.

Sen A Specter from PA is not cool with how the NFL handled this whole thing. Know what? Neither am I. I'm just not stoked to go federal on this piece. The real issue here is that pro sports leagues, despite the big words and demonstrative speaches, have dwindling accountability. They are the only 'game' in town and that's how they behave. I think this is the larger issue here. Forget Spygate (actually don't. I couldn't believe how easy the despicable Pats got off. And it's not just the video stuff; they thumb their noses at league rules and no one says squat).

If it takes the federal government to bring some accountability to pro sports, then I guess it has to happen. To me, this whole Spygate thing is way down the list of important things. What is happening in Seattle, with a criminal group of billionaires robbing the city of a team is a far more critical issue. That's where Congress should be stepping in. Interstate commerce and such. Another place I'd like to see some action is that if a team, as judged by an independent commission (I'd be on it with some other people) went 4 straight years without really trying to get better or made more than 2 indefensible trades, the franchise would immediately go to someone else with the owner not being allowed to profit.

Now listen, no one loves justice for scumbags more than I do. I'm a huge fan of Roger Clemens getting taken to the woodshed, of Barry Bonds going to jail, and of the Pats losing in the Super Bowl and the Eagles never winning one (zinger). It just sucks that it takes Congressional hearings for us to get some sense of accountability from sports leagues that hold us hostage.

Bonds and Balboa

2008-05-14T01:08:00.003-04:00

Here's what I got:

Barry Bonds' indictment was refined today. Not sure why this is news exactly. Basically, the original indictment wasn't clear and the grand jury today made it more clear...clearly.

Here's a link to the actual indictment. I only link to it because I've never actually seen an indictment. My contention is that the indictment is the most underrated part of the criminal process.

Everybody knows about the trial. People are familiar with the sentencing; that carries a lot of weight. Arraignments are popular; like 'so and so was arraigned'...his wife was a sh*t show at the arraignment. The arraignment is cool because it's basically the legal equivalent of: 'Here's why I'm pissed at you...so what do you think'.

The indictment is a little different. To me, it carries a little more punch. Listen bruh, a bunch of us got together, we shared some stuff with this judge and then this group of people over here...and we're pretty sure we're taking you to the woodshed...legally.

In other news, I watched Rocky Balboa today. It was really bad. Breaks my heart. It really does. I love Rocky I-IV. Love. I will watch 3 or 4 to the end if they come on tv. Always. Everytime. It just kills me that this is allowed to happen. Stop. Seriously. I watched because it exists...but I'm still a bit annoyed. One side note, the dude from Heroes (you should see him pictured right behind Rocky) that has tons of powers is in this movie. That's it. I like Heroes.

This brings me to another thing. Indiana Jones. I'm going to see it because Indiana Jones is awesome. Is the new one going to make me irritated? I hope not. I also wish, sincerely, that it was never made. The original 3 kick so much arse that I wish there was no chance that this new one could stink. Frustrating.

Sweethaven on Sunday

2008-05-09T18:42:00.002-04:00

Biggest premier comedy show in the history of comedy shows. This Sunday, Mother's Day, minds will be blown.

Doors open 7:30

Admission $5

Be there.

Soundwave is Back!!!!

2008-05-07T16:01:00.001-04:00

Video #2, produced by my boy Gabe Uhr is online. Giddyup:

I'm in a dark place...

Messed Up In Mexico

2008-05-05T17:10:00.002-04:00

I'm back. Wow. What an absurd week down in Cancun with 98Rock. I had a phenomenal time. Thanks to everyone at 98 Rock who made it possible. It was great to hang out with the on air people as well as the behind the scenes folks that really make everything go. Great bunch of people and it was a joy to be a part.

I don't have enough energy just yet to write about everything that happened. Here is the basic summary of my day while I was down at Dreams Cancun Resort and Spa.

5 AM- Wake up, walk downstairs to the broadcast cabana for the morning show with Mickey, Amelia, and Spiegel.

9 AM - Go eat breakfast at the buffet.

10 AM - try to take a nap.

12 PM- Stop at the cabana and do a couple of breaks with Sarah (the hottest 55 year old woman of all time. Seriously.)

1:00 PM - Sneak down to the beach and relax

1:30 PM - Meet for lunch with the Theo & Joe to prep for the night show.

3 PM - start the night show broadcast

8 PM- finish our last break, go back up to the room and shower the day of filth of myself.

8:45 PM -Go grab some dinner, a bit of booze, and hang out with the 98 Rock folks and some listeners.

11 PM - Return to the room and crash.

Repeat.

98 Rock has podcasted a ton of the stuff we did down there in case you missed it the first time. Some great stuff is online at: http://www.98online.com/pages/music_podcasting_view.aspx?channel_id=126

Lots to choose from.

Thanks again to 98 Rock and Rob Maher for making an incredible week possible.

Cancun with 98 Rock

2008-04-23T14:27:00.002-04:00

Next week, you can hear my amazing speaking voice on 98 rock. We'll be broadcasting from an astounding resort in Cancun. I am so lucky to be able to go on this trip. I have a great time whenever I go and hang out at 98 Rock and to be able to go on a once in a lifetime trip like this is truly phenomenal. It's going to be a blast. How do I know it will? It will be a blast because 'the work' is being on the radio. That's something I do for fun.

I can't wait. Check us out all week long.

Life Expectancy of the Ladies

2008-04-22T13:42:00.002-04:00

This story from the Washington Post:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/04/21/AR2008042102406.html?hpid=topnews

Interesting stuff. It basically says that the life expectancy for women in 1000 or so counties around the US, has gone down for the first time in 100 years. In 1918, there was a tough case with the Spanish Influenza. La influenza del Espana pretty much took American women (and everyone else) to the woodshed. The death rate was so high that it lowered the average age where people died. This would not be the last evil thing to come from Spain. It was shortly thereafter that a thing called 'tapas' came to the US and once again targeted women.

This bizarre concept of communal food sharing continues to plague our society to this day. If you are not familiar with this bizarre epidemic, read on. Chicks go to a restaurant on purpose where portions are small and overpriced. They then order several dishes and pass them around. Because the dishes are small, chicks do not feel like piggies when they clean all the plates. No one can be sure of how much each girl ate so there is less judgement. If Michelle ordered a normal portion of food at a restaurant, cleaned her plate, she'd be thought of as a fatty mcfattersons. At tapas, Michelle can blend in along with Mary Margaret, Jen, Sarah, Sara, Sierra and also Sarah B (that's what we call her because there are like so many Sarahs!). It doesn't end here. They also order expensive drinks like sangria and are always a little shocked when the bill comes. "Can we split this up equally on the 6 different cards?"

Worse yet, men are often dragged into the equation. There are 2 kinds of men in the world. Tapas dudes (metro-sexuals, guys who believe that it's cool to eat tapas and they want to be cool so they do it - these are the same guys that wear blazers to bars and take their game with ladies very seriously, homosexuals, brow-beaten boyfriends who can either go or get in an argument,
and guys that don't know what tapas is only to be stunned at the process and vow never to come back) and non tapas dudes. What will often occur is as follows:

-Men will decide on tight dishes (steak, chicken, seafood, potato...other hearty fare etc.)
-Chicks decide on untight dishes (kelp, seaweed, chick peas, sprouts, tofu, beets, cabbage, broccoli, radish, kale, squash, zucchini, okra, lentils, leek, shallots, artichoke, parsnip, skirret, turnip, parsnip, yacon, eggplant, soybean, fennel, celery, jicama...etc.)
-Food arrives. Dudes have no interest in untight dishes and seek to get full off of the limited portions of tight food.
-Chicks assume that everyone wants to share everything (deep down, they know...they have to know. Really? You thought I'd take a portion of the beet salad and the kale with shallots instead of the steak and mashed potatoes? Sure you did.). Dudes are forced to eat less tightness and try to eat the fish food. Chicks are happy because they didn't order 'fatty' things but got to eat them anyway. Dudes are miserable because they are still hungry, or the alternative is they have to order more food and are now into the restaurant for $100 because everyone should pay the same amount for that extra bottle of wine when you only had 1 beer.
-Dudes don't say anything because seggs is likely to follow.
-Chicks think this was a great outing

I know you see the correlation. You have to. Women are dying because of tapas....what's that? It's not...it's obesity?...No I know that but I was....no you're right....no I know it's not responsible reporting...I'm not actually a rep....no...OK...so it's smoking and fat people in rural areas that don't exercise?...So they needed a study to tell you that it's bad for you to...yeah I know...wow...get the peace prize ready...no that was a a joke...what do you mean you expect better from a comic?...real nice thing to say...yeah whatever....see you Christmas.

Don't do drugs or tapas.

Google and Me Are In a Fight

2008-04-11T15:13:00.003-04:00

I have google ad sense. It's a pretty cool idea. What isn't cool sometimes is that GAS will toss up some things that are in direct contradiction to things that are good.

I'll give you an example. I hate clinton, hillary as much as I've ever hated someone I have never met. I am literally moved to anger every time I see that phony, 2 faced, panderer on tv. I clicked on my blog yesterday and there, at the top of the screen, was an ad to help clinton, hillary get elected president.

Really GAS? I know it's keyword driven but good heavens. I post something once every couple weeks about how terrible, slimy, untruthful and disastrous I think she is. I bet there will be another ad based on this post. Ugh. Maybe I can influence the ad? We'll see. Top of my head:

-Whitewater
-1st time a 1st lady subpoenaed/subject of criminal investigation
-Castle Grande real estate scam
-Evading prosecution by not being able to find documents for her days at Rose Law Firm for over 2 years until they were located by an intern in a White House office
-Her astounding conduct of having Bill release the extremist FALN terrorists that bombed a police precinct in New York. They were granted a pardon despite not asking for one so that clinton, hillary could carry favor with the latino vote in her upcoming New York senate campaign.
-The extraordinary #s of associates pleading guilty, refusing to testify, or fleeing the country
-plea agreement for illegal campaign finance
-Health Care policy failure
-Lying about being under fire in Bosnia
-Overstating her role in foreign policy events and taking credit for things that happened while she was alive

That was top of my head. I'm not doing any research. I shouldn't have to. So, let's go GAS! Me and you bruh!

Friday Late Show

2008-04-07T14:51:00.002-04:00

That's the answer that Steve Martin gave when he was asked why he left standup. I felt like leaving standup this past Friday night around 1:30 AM.

Now, I had a great time at the Baltimore Comedy Factory this past weekend. Thanks to Mickey Cucchiella and Joe Robinson. Thursday night was good and the 1st 2 shows on Friday night were awesome. I got a miniature standing O (3 people) after my set on show 2. It was a blast. Then the late show happened. Ugh. Outstanding young comic (Peabo) Bryson Turner opened the show to awkward chatter, disinterest, and drunken stares. Nothing he could have done. These people were not going to give in.

I went up determined to do something to win them over. One of my weaknesses in comedy is when I don't feel energy from the audience, I lower my energy. I mail it in. I can feel myself doing it and it pisses me off like nothing else. It's a defense mechanism that someone ho is afraid to fail uses to not feel so bad about himself when he eats it. You can blame the crowd all you want but they paid. They don't have to do anything...and these people took advantage of that right. A group of people were talking the entire time, most just stared with a glassy eyed drunkeness that reminded me of walking through an opium den in Instanbul.

So what did I do? I lowered my commitment. I made cracks on the side about how annoying they were about not laughing at stuff. This is such BS. I hate it when comics do this and I hate it when I do it. It's this lame attempt to shift the blame. 'This is funny. It's your fault'. In sports, if you give everything you have and lose, you just got beat. If you don't do everything you can, get yourself into trouble, then blame the ref when something doesn't go your way, you're a b*tch. Well, I was a b*tch on Friday night. Was the crowd tough? Of course. Could I have done my material to the best of my ability and still bombed? Yup. Did I do a half-a$$ job then piss and moan for 20 minutes about how the crowd sucked? Sure did.

Still, that Friday late show was a challenge. It would have broken the spirit of a lot of people. It broke me and I am still ticked. In fact, my set the next night at the Hyatt was only so so as it was still in my head.

Back on the horse tonight tho. Come see me this Saturday at Comix. I'm doing the New Jacks Show. It's a good one that humans can enjoy.

Another Case Against Hillary

2008-04-01T13:33:00.003-04:00

In my never ending quest to make sure that Hillary Clinton does not have any chance to win the presidency of the United States, here is yet another example of the horrendous character of this lying witch. Please note that you don't have to dig too hard to find countless other examples. Read and be informed.

The Tall Tale of TuzlaHillary Clinton's Bosnian misadventure should disqualify her from the presidency, but the airport landing is the least of it.

By Christopher Hitchens

The punishment visited on Sen. Hillary Clinton for her flagrant, hysterical, repetitive, pathological lying about her visit to Bosnia should be much heavier than it has yet been and should be exacted for much more than just the lying itself. There are two kinds of deliberate and premeditated deceit, commonly known as suggestio falsi and suppressio veri. (Neither of them is covered by the additionally lying claim of having "misspoken.") The first involves what seems to be most obvious in the present case: the putting forward of a bogus or misleading account of events. But the second, and often the more serious, means that the liar in question has also attempted to bury or to obscure something that actually is true. Let us examine how Sen. Clinton has managed to commit both of these offenses to veracity and decency and how in doing so she has rivaled, if not indeed surpassed, the disbarred and perjured hack who is her husband and tutor.

I remember disembarking at the Sarajevo airport in the summer of 1992 after an agonizing flight on a U.N. relief plane that had had to "corkscrew" its downward approach in order to avoid Serbian flak and ground fire. As I hunched over to scuttle the distance to the terminal, a mortar shell fell as close to me as I ever want any mortar shell to fall. The vicious noise it made is with me still. And so is the shock I felt at seeing a civilized and multicultural European city bombarded round the clock by an ethno-religious militia under the command of fascistic barbarians. I didn't like the Clinton candidacy even then, but I have to report that many Bosnians were enthused by Bill Clinton's pledge, during that ghastly summer, to abandon the hypocritical and sordid neutrality of the George H.W. Bush/James Baker regime and to come to the defense of the victims of ethnic cleansing.

I am recalling these two things for a reason. First, and even though I admit that I did once later misidentify a building in Sarajevo from a set of photographs, I can tell you for an absolute certainty that it would be quite impossible to imagine that one had undergone that experience at the airport if one actually had not. Yet Sen. Clinton, given repeated chances to modify her absurd claim to have operated under fire while in the company of her then-16-year-old daughter and a USO entertainment troupe, kept up a stone-faced and self-loving insistence that, yes, she had exposed herself to sniper fire in the cause of gaining moral credit and, perhaps to be banked for the future, national-security "experience." This must mean either a) that she lies without conscience or reflection; or b) that she is subject to fantasies of an illusory past; or c) both of the above. Any of the foregoing would constitute a disqualification for the presidency of the United States.

Yet this is only to underline the YouTube version of events and the farcical or stupid or Howard Wolfson (take your pick) aspects of the story. But here is the historical rather than personal aspect, which is what you should keep your eye on. Note the date of Sen. Clinton's visit to Tuzla. She went there in March 1996. By that time, the critical and tragic phase of the Bosnia war was effectively over, as was the greater part of her husband's first term. What had happened in the interim? In particular, what had happened to the 1992 promise, four years earlier, that genocide in Bosnia would be opposed by a Clinton administration?

In the event, President Bill Clinton had not found it convenient to keep this promise. Let me quote from Sally Bedell Smith's admirable book on the happy couple, For Love of Politics:

Taking the advice of Al Gore and National Security Advisor Tony Lake, Bill agreed to a proposal to bomb Serbian military positions while helping the Muslims acquire weapons to defend themselves—the fulfillment of a pledge he had made during the 1992 campaign. But instead of pushing European leaders, he directed Secretary of State Warren Christopher merely to consult with them. When they balked at the plan, Bill quickly retreated, creating a "perception of drift." The key factor in Bill's policy reversal was Hillary, who was said to have "deep misgivings" and viewed the situation as "a Vietnam that would compromise health-care reform." The United States took no further action in Bosnia, and the "ethnic cleansing" by the Serbs was to continue for four more years, resulting in the deaths of more than 250,000 people.

I can personally witness to the truth of this, too. I can remember, first, one of the Clintons' closest personal advisers—Sidney Blumenthal—referring with acid contempt to Warren Christopher as "a blend of Pontius Pilate with Ichabod Crane." I can remember, second, a meeting with Clinton's then-Secretary of Defense Les Aspin at the British Embassy. When I challenged him on the sellout of the Bosnians, he drew me aside and told me that he had asked the White House for permission to land his own plane at Sarajevo airport, if only as a gesture of reassurance that the United States had not forgotten its commitments. The response from the happy couple was unambiguous: He was to do no such thing, lest it distract attention from the first lady's health care "initiative."

It's hardly necessary for me to point out that the United States did not receive national health care in return for its acquiescence in the murder of tens of thousands of European civilians. But perhaps that is the least of it. Were I to be asked if Sen. Clinton has ever lost any sleep over those heaps of casualties, I have the distinct feeling that I could guess the answer. She has no tears for anyone but herself. In the end, and over her strenuous objections, the United States and its allies did rescue our honor and did put an end to Slobodan Milosevic and his state-supported terrorism. Yet instead of preserving a polite reticence about this, or at least an appropriate reserve, Sen. Clinton now has the obscene urge to claim the raped and slaughtered people of Bosnia as if their misery and death were somehow to be credited to her account! Words begin to fail one at this point. Is there no such thing as shame? Is there no decency at last? Let the memory of the truth, and the exposure of the lie, at least make us resolve that no Clinton ever sees the inside of the White House again.

Story Link: http://www.slate.com/id/2187780/pagenum/all/#page_start

Legos and Some Useful Software

2008-03-31T13:56:00.002-04:00

Hey readers,

A couple things for your perusal. 1st, a buddy of mine living in San Fran has launched a really cool piece of software available through the interwebs. It's free and really useful. As I understand it, you can select data and a region of the world and that produces a real time, 3D, video of the data. Pretty awesome. Check out the website:

http://www.uuorld.com/

This may go down as the single biggest waste of time in human history. I cannot even fathom how long and difficult this must have been to create. My mind is boggled:

Shot for shot people.

Come see me at the Baltimore Comedy Factory on Thursday and Friday. Then, come and see me at the Bethesda Hyatt on Saturday night.

Bye.

New York Is Awesome

2008-03-24T14:24:00.002-04:00

Here's why:

I went to a show on Saturday night. It's called 'The Drink at Work Show'. It's run by some cool people. It's at the downstairs lounge at Comix, which is a pretty cool club. Anyway, after a couple funny comics went up, the host said the following:

"OK, this next guy...well...you have literally seen him everywhere. He's been on Comedy Central, a bunch of movies, he had a show...you know what? He's just super awesome...please welcome Jim Gaffigan!"

Jim Gaffigan. In a room that holds 27 people, Jim Gaffigan rolled in and did new material. First off, if you don't know of this man, it's irresponsible. He has to be mentioned in any conversation about best comics today as well as best of all time. He was working on some new stuff. It was funnier than your new stuff. Not an insult.

At the end of the show, this group, closed it out. Huge treat for yours truly as I was a fan of them before I moved up here.

The more I'm here, the more it feels like I am in the right place.

Shooting yaeger with Yaweh...

I Talked To Larry Poon!...and Some Shows

2008-03-18T13:06:00.004-04:00

Check out an interview with me on the really cool DC Comedy 4 Now blog. This is a great thing that some of the best young comics in the DC area have put together as a kind of online hub for the scene in the DC area. They do a great job and they have lots of contributors who are good people.

The interview with me is about some of the differences between the scenes in DC and New York.

So check it. It's good.

http://dccomedy4now.blogspot.com/

Speaking of New York, I've got some shows coming up here. Here they are:

Saturday the 22nd at 6:00 PM, I'm on the show at Ochi's Lounge which is located at Comix here in New York. It's free and an awesome show with some of the coolest young comics in the world. you should come.

Thursday the 27th at 9:00 PM, I'm at Broadway Comedy Club. There is a cool mix on this show of little people like me and big people who are always on things like: 'tv' and 'comedy stages'. You should come to that. Let me know if you plan to. The link above is to the schedule.

Friday the 28th at 6:30 PM, I'm at Gotham Comedy Club. This is another 'new talent' show. I'm a new talent. Well, I'm new to them anyway. Again, let me know if you are going.

I have more stuff after that but it would just sound like bragging right now.

Holler

NFL Free Agency Cinema

2008-03-10T15:55:00.003-04:00

Every year, the NFL shuffles the deck and teams get new cards. In this eternal poker game, we all know that each team will again ask for new cards after the season ends. This, my friends, is a metaphor. 4.5 years of college in all your mouthpieces.

Now, some simile action. NFL free agent signings as movies. NFC today, AFC...later.

Giddyup,

Arizona Cardinals: Travis Laboy, Jerame Truman.
Movie: Drillbit Taylor. These signings are sure to snap the Cardinals out of that pesky funk that has only lasted...since I was alive. Paging Neil Lomax...Now I like Owen Wilson, he made Bottle Rocket. I will just say that this doesn't look the flick you need to get involved in coming off a depression/self check out period.

Atlanta Falcons: Erik Coleman, Simon Fraser, Ben Hartsock, Von Hutchins, Rashad Moore, Kindal Moorehead, Chris Redman, Michael Turner
Movie: 'The Hottie and the Nottie'. Paris Hilton is a name. Michael Turner is a name. Doesn't mean I would pay $ to see either. Thanks Mr. Petrino!

Carolina Panthers: Muhsin Muhammad, LaBrandon Toefield, Keydrick Vincent, Landon Johnson, Ricardo Colclough
Movie: 'You Got Served'. Picture this: the entire Carolina Panthers roster, staff, and ownership shows up to a mall parking lot in Tampa. No one else is there to great them. They all look around with confusion until Jake Delhomme finally pipes up: 'I thought we were gonna serve those guys?....Man, f&%# John Gruden!'

Chicago Bears: Marty Booker, Brandon Lloyd.
Movie: 'Epic Movie'. You want to know why those 'movie parody movies' get made? Because someone out there goes to see them. You want to know why underproducing wide receivers get signed every year and then teams are surprised when their knew player quits on them when he gets yelled at for being the most selfish person alive ever? I can't answer that but I hate Brandon Lloyd like I hate bad cheese.

Dallas Cowboys: Zach Thomas
Movie: 'No Country for Old Men'. Get it? Zach Thomas is old! Ha! But seriously, awesome flick for the 1st hour and a half (8 years) but the ending was confused (concussed) and unfulfilling (no playoff wins in 13 years.) Best picture my a$.

Detroit Lions: Dwight Smith, Brian Kelly, Michael Gaines
Movie: 'Police Academy: Mission to Moscow'. You knew it would suck right? You didn't go see a Police Academy in the theater after 3 right? You learned your lesson right? Right!?!?!?

Green Bay Packers:
Movie: 'Semi-Pro'. Has anyone seen Will Ferrell promoting this movie? 2 weeks ago, he was on ESPN, Comedy Central and NBC at the exact same time. BTW, has anyone written anything about Brett Favre's retirement?

Minnesota Vikings: Madieu Williams, Bernard Berrian, Maurice Hicks Thomas Tapeh
Movie: 'Back to the Future Part II'. If we get a lanky receiver and a mobile QB it will produce the same magic. Guaranteed. It's a lock. What's that? Fans of the 1st version don't acknowledge the 2nd? Whoops.

New Orleans Saints: Dan Morgan, Randall Gay, Bobby McCray
Movie: 'Vantage Point'. There are stars, it's a great concept, but you know it won't be as good as advertised. You get a corner off a great team, a great DE, and you upgrade your LB. Anyone think the Saints will have a great D?

New York Giants: Sammy Knight
Movie: 'Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest'. We got the whole gang back together. This one can't miss. See you at 9-7 in the Super Bowl Hangover year.

Philadelphia Eagles: Asante Samuel, Chris Clemens
Movie: 'The Truman Show'. For a while, it cost $20 million to get Jim Carey. The thing is, he wasn't happy doing what earned him the right to get $20 million. He wanted to do other things. Samuels hated that whole 'winning all the time thing'. Sign me up!

San Francisco 49ers: J.T. O'Sullivan, Allen Rossum, Justin Smith, Isaac Sopoaga, Dontarrious Thomas, Deshaun Foster, Isaac Bruce
Movie: 'The Other Boleyn Girl'. Listen, this flick has 2 girls who will be in my perennial top 5 until I expire. There is no chance I see this movie. I would love to have Justin Smith. See where I'm going?

Seattle Seahawks: TJ Duckett, Julius Jones, Jeb Putzier, Mike Wahle
Movie: 'Godfather II'. Michael has to deal with Connie. So too must the Seahawks deal with Sean Alexander. The women must be protected even to the detriment of the family. Get the reference? It's because he falls down and ruins fantasy teams. I hate you Connie Alexander.

St. Louis: Josh Brown, Anthony Becht, Jacob Bell
Movie: 'College Road Trip'. Having Martin Lawrence, who made a name for himself as a filthy comic on Def Jam, starring in Family Comedies makes as much sense as being the 2nd worst team in the NFL bringing in 0 help.

Tampa Bay: Jeff Faine, John Gilmore, Leon Joe, Teddy Lehman, Matt McCoy, Ben Troupe, Jimmy Wilkerson
Movie: 'Funny Games'. A really cool premise but we're missing maybe one more star aren't we? The 9-7 team that should have beaten the Giants is standing pat and bringing in some role players. Nice idea except that their key guys are 87 years old or they are underachieving injury prone young guys. For the record, Naomi Watts is not injury prone.

Washington Redskins:
Movie: 'Zombie Nation'. Why? 2-fold. Fold 1: They brought in nobody, it's like a graveyard. Fold 2: Zombie Nation is rated the #1 worst movie of all time on imdb.com. This heavily flawed team with the worst owner in pro sports re-signed 3 of their own guys. New coach Jim Zorn might be a zombie. No one knows.

Tune in for more later.

Ryan Conner Update

2008-03-06T16:58:00.002-05:00

Hey peeps. Ryan Conner has an update on the situation with his brother. It seems like things are looking up a bit. You can read about it here: http://www.ryanconnercomedy.com/blogger.html

It basically seems that there is some due process here after all so we may just see some good happen yet. Thanks so much to those of you that I know who have reached out to media outlets. The most recent update here is that Ryan and his family, at the advice of their attorney, have asked that they stay away from media attention until after Monday when the case worker will rule on Ryan's brother's case. The reasoning is that there is no need to agitate the person who is in a position to do the right thing. If that, for some reason, doesn't go well, I think we'll all welcome a 3 ring media circus.

I know Ryan appreciates all the support. I'll keep you all posted.

Now to something that made me smile:

Obi-kenobi! I love it.

Please Help

2008-03-05T00:36:00.003-05:00

Friends, this is a re-post of a really important and urgent story from my good friend Ryan Conner. Please take the time to read it. I would urge anyone who thinks they can help to take action. I wrote a note to my Congressman in Virginia (Jim Moran) and plan on calling today. A beloved member of Ryan's family's life is at stake.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Please Help My Brother

I was minutes away from writing a blog of funny observations, until I just received a distressed call from my mom. Instead, I'll be writing about something that is important.
It is very important to pay attention to what our government does. Many are apathetic, which is appalling, as its actions have consequences for all of us. Many who aren't apathetic only read the headlines. It is to those people that politicians use buzz-words and propaganda, namely fear-mongering, to get their vote.
Several issues of the day I find absolutely offensive. Because if everyone would just think through them, instead of acting on instinct, out of fear, then they would not be issues at all. These are all humanist issues, such as health care and immigration.
Let me just say that I've had at least nine friends serve in Iraq. One was killed. What happened this morning offends me much more. The pandering to a political base has hurt my family deeply, and possibly gravely.

Before I get into details, allow me to state that I'm not blaming this issue on the president himself. He cares deeply about the issue. The problem is that he seems to be the only person in his administration who has a conscience on this matter. And his isn't strong enough to speak out against the position of his party during an election year, when pandering equals votes.

I have 11 brothers. My parents are very compassionate people. They adopted four of my brothers at the same time, three and a half years ago. Their plan was to adopt a girl, but they saw four siblings, the sons of a drug-addict and prostitute, who were scared that they would be split up. My parents couldn't accept that. On the spot, they said they wanted to adopt all four. They didn't think about how they would raise another four kids at their ages. They only thought about how they could save these kids' lives. They have succeeded in doing so.
I have one biological brother, two step, and one half. I'm not going to talk about them here. Just wanted to straighten out the math for you. Here is a picture of all but one of us.

My other three brothers are Asian, as you can see from the picture. The shortest and lightest is Phong. He was a Vietnamese immigrant. He grew up in Saigon in a well-to-do family. When given the opportunity to immigrate, he came to the United States, while his mother went to Belgium. The other short Vietnamese brother is Ut. His story is very long, heart-wrenching and inspiring. I'll abbreviate, because this isn't about him. He lived in absolute poverty, in a village on the east coast of Vietnam. When he was 10-12, his mother paid a man to take he and his brother and sister to a refugee camp in Thailand. They were captured soon-after by the Viet-Cong. Facing execution, my brother escaped and navigated the Vietnamese jungle, by himself, bare-foot, until he arrived in Thailand and was directed to a refugee camp. Two years later, my family would welcome him as one of us. That was February 2, 1988. Now, 20 years later, he's an American citizen, an owner of a small, prospering business, and is proof that the United States is a great country.
Phong and Ut were introduced to my family through a great organization called Catholic Charities. Through the same organization, my parents also sponsored four entire Vietnamese families in their immigration to our country. This involved the families living with us, usually for a couple months each, until the kids were in school, the adults had jobs, and they could find a house of their own. We would continue to spend time with them over the years. One of the families had four kids. Two were 5-year-old twins, Thai-An and Than-An. The older siblings graduated from Virginia Tech. One is a mechanical engineer. The other works in biotechnology, I believe. Thai-An and Than-An were high-school valedictorians, and are now attending UVA on academic scholarships. If they didn't come here, they would have lived out their lives in thatch huts. Once again, proof that we live in a great country.
The taller Asian brother in the picture is Dong. He is Chinese. I've never been asked the question, but if someone was to say, "Who are your heroes or role-models?" I would have to respond that they are Ut and Dong. What my parents have done in changing so many lives is admirable, but I see it as doing what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to look out for other people. I don't see it as extraordinary, only right. Everyone should do it. Ut and Dong have overcome long odds, and have accomplished things that are absolutely awe-inspiring.
During the summer of 1994, Catholic Charities rang again, saying they had three Chinese refugees who didn't have a home. My parents offered to take care of all three until homes were found for two, and to take care of one unconditionally. Dong was the one who stayed. And I'm glad. I couldn't have asked for a better brother.
The only problem with Dong's immigration was that it was illegal. He was only 15-years-old, and didn't know it was illegal. His family was lied to by a Chinese human-smuggling mafia, called The Snake-Heads. Nevertheless, he was deemed a criminal. A child criminal who made no illegal decisions himself.
Illegal immigrants come across our borders from Latin American countries every day. Sometimes they are deported. And sometimes they return. That's because although they live in impoverished countries, at least their countries are free. Their countries do not punish them for wishing to lead a better life. This is an aside, but instead of building a fence, why don't we use that money to help bolster the Mexican economy to make their country a place that everyone doesn't want to leave?
Although the US government treats all illegal immigrants the same, they are not the same. Mexicans swim the Rio Grande. If they make it, they get whatever job they can find, and they are able to provide for their families. Immigrating from China isn't as simple. The Snake-Heads offer to send people to the US legally, offering all the necessary paperwork. It's only $20,000 USD, which is a small fortune in China. Dong's Chinese parents desperately wanted him to live a life free of Chinese communist oppression. They wanted him to have basic human rights. So they sent him to the US, after a down-payment of $10,000. The only problem was the astronomical interest rate on the remaining balance.
Dong and I shared a room and were in the same grade. When he arrived, he spoke less than 10 words of English, but read a few more words. He didn't find it acceptable to not be able to read English, considering that school would be starting up in two months. So, he borrowed a John Steinbeck novel from me, either Of Mice and Men or The Pearl. I don't remember which one. And he sat there for hours each day, Steinbeck in one hand, and an English-Chinese dictionary in the other, until he finished the book in time for school. I have never seen anyone show so much dedication to bettering themselves. I wish it inspired me as much then as it does now.
Dong was in ESL classes, except for math and health/p.e.. He was only 15, but knew calculus. They don't offer higher math in ESL. He got straight As. He read every day. He did whatever he could do to better himself.
During this entire year, he was dealing with INS (Immigration and Naturalization Services, now ICE), trying to sort out his immigration status. The sad part is that had he come from a different oppressive regime, he would have been granted political asylum immediately. However, due to our trade with China, we will not grant political asylum to Chinese immigrants.
During the summer of 1995, Dong was notified that his parents had fallen behind on the payments, due to the interest. The Snake-Heads gave him an ultimatum. Come work for them, or his entire family in China would be murdered. Sounds illegal, right? There is no prosecution of the Snake-Heads in China. And conveniently, none in the US either. He had no choice but to work for them to pay off his debt. With the same calm that he has demonstrated through every step of his naturalization, he left to work for the Snake-Heads in The Bronx. For the next three years, his lawyer would continue to work for his Green Card, while he was a slave in NYC. My family could do nothing but sit back and wait.
I talked to him almost every week that he worked in the Bronx. Along with about 12 other people in the same position, Dong worked in Chinese restaurant for 18 hours each day, 364 days a year. He had New Year's Day off. They slept in a studio apartment above the restaurant. The apartment was dead-bolted from the outside so that no one could escape. Dong would find time to sneak away to a pay-phone at night to call my parents and I. He always sounded like he was in good spirits. Even when he got robbed at gunpoint, which happened multiple times, once just after getting off the phone with me. The first year, he even sent me a birthday card from his slave quarters. I still have it.
After three years, his debt was paid off, however he was still kept as a slave, unable to leave. When he was assured that his family in China was safe, he planned an escape. He called my parents around 8pm, and asked them to pick him up in Times Square at 1AM. I guess he figured that if he held a camera, he would fit in in Times Square and the Snake-Heads wouldn't find him.
Upon returning to Northern Virginia, he immediately got his G.E.D. While his naturalization case continued, he went to college. Unable to acquire loans because of his status, he paid for it out of his pocket. He excelled and got every networking certification imaginable, including the top Cisco certification, which at the time would have landed him a starting salary around 125K. However, due to his immigration status, he wasn't able to get that job. Unabated, he continued to study everything about networking. He studied for hours every day, preparing for when he could actually use his skills. I didn't even understand the titles of some of the books, and I was studying Computer Science at George Mason at the time, albeit only for a semester.
In 2002, due to the immigration crackdowns after 9/11, a deportation order was issued. He had not committed a crime. The Snake-Heads committed the crime, however were not prosecuted. He paid taxes. Got an education. He wanted to be an American, but was denied.
His lawyer filed an appeal. As the appeals process started, our Congressman, Tom Davis, pushed for and successfully got a Green Card for another constituent in the exact same position. My mom and Dong wrote to him. His reply stated that he had already done it for one person and that should be enough.
I haven't yet stated the importance of Dong not being deported. This is the issue. If he is sent back to China, he will be obtained, tortured and executed for treason. That's why this is so important. My brother did nothing wrong and is facing a possible execution if the US government, to whom he has paid taxes for years, doesn't stand up for him.
After being rejected by Tom Davis, my mom wrote to a Congressman who had been a family friend for about 40 years. This guy, Virgil Goode, used to be a good person. Now, if you Google him, you'll see that he's probably the most hate-filled, intolerant member of Congress. Another Congressman, Mark Kennedy, from Minnesota, tried to help. He was a great guy, but was unable to do anything because Dong wasn't his constituent. He said Davis had to be the one to do it. He even talked to Davis, but Davis refused. So, Mark Kennedy:1, Davis:0, Goode:0.
With no Congressional help, it was time for Dong's case to go to trial. On the morning before the trial, his lawyer was murdered. His body was later found in Rock Creek Park. The Snake-Heads did it, but the case was marked as "unsolved." The trial was delayed.
The appeal had been processing for years. Everything looked great when President Bush presented his immigration reform proposal. It would have provided Dong with a Green Card, which would spare his life. However, the Republican establishment would have none of his proposal. It was dead on arrival.
Then McCain and Kennedy co-sponsored reform that would have done the same thing. It did not get passed either, due to receiving no Republican support in the Senate, other than Hagel, McCain, Specter, Lugar, and I think Olympia Snowe. Not enough to override a filibuster.
My family was devastated when this legislation didn't pass. But a few months ago, it seemed that it didn't matter. Dong was granted a worker's permit, which was sure to lead to a Green Card. I can't say that I was ever more excited than when I heard that news.
Now that the campaign is in full-swing, even McCain has turned his back on illegal immigrants. It is shocking. And with orders from the top, the Department of Homeland Security has begun to deport illegals at alarming rates, a sure election-year tactic. Dong seemed to be in the clear, because of his worker's permit.
My mom called this morning with different news. Dong was arrested at his house at 6AM by DHS officials, and taken into custody. He called my mom and told her not to worry about him. He insisted that everything would be fine. We all know what will happen if he's sent back to China. The US Government knows. Anyone who wants to know, knows. South Park did an episode about this. The information is out there, but ignored.
Not only was he taken into custody, but they won't tell him, or my family, where he'll be held, for how long, why, or anything. All they'll say is that his earlier deportation order trumps his work permit. My mom hasn't been able to speak to any DHS official, only voicemail. Dong wasn't able to speak to his lawyer directly. But the lawyer was given the order to do whatever he has to do.
The irony of this is that there are millions of American criminals in this country. There are countless Americans who hate the country. There are tens of millions of Americans who don't know how lucky they are to live here. They take it all for granted. There are also thousands of illegal immigrants who are criminals. Millions of illegal immigrants don't pay taxes. Dong was arrested this morning because he does everything by the book. That's how DHS knew where he was. He pays taxes. The government knows who he is and where he is, because he pays taxes. He never hid anything because he's trusted the government to do the right thing. Dong does everything a citizen should do, and he's been prosecuted, while the murderous Snake-Heads roam free.
This could have been prevented if the Republicans in Congress had followed President Bush's lead and passed immigration reform that was in the best interests of humanity. Instead, my brother, Sun Tao Dong, an example of what all Americans should strive to be, now faces a possible execution. We are a government that speaks out against political imprisonment, but are aiding and abetting to a political murder. All this because of politicians who would rather win the votes of intolerant ethnocentrists, than serve the better interests of all people.

Podcast Bot 4000

2008-03-03T16:35:00.003-05:00

Brand new podcast is up on my website. My buddy Ryan Conner and I recorded a show on the road to a far away land. Enjoy:

http://www.funnydanny.com/media.php

You can also view the other stuff on this page. Don't limit yourself. Life is short.

Later.

Socialism

2008-02-29T16:03:00.003-05:00

I stink at being social with people. I am a hermity homebody that wants to go to a show, perform, then go home to play video games. I like my friends and e'reethang, but I don't have much fun in groups where I don't know people. Some of my boys are the opposite.net. My boy Michel for instance, you can drop that dude anywhere and within 48 seconds, he will have established a common ground and charmed the pants off of every person in the room. He likes it. Meeting new people is fun for him. Not me.

I don't know whether is social anxiety, laziness, a lack of patience or what. I do know that the biggest challenge I have faced since moving to New York to pursue comedy full time hasn't been the comedy...wait, did that just come off like: 'I know I'm amazing at comedy, it's not that. It's some other thing unrelated to my awesomeness...'? Fine. I'm amazing at comedy. Whatevs. Anyway, the hardest thing hasn't been performing. When I've gotten up, by enlarged, I've done fine. It's the other stuff. It's getting to know the people that book the rooms, where to go, who to talk with, who to avoid. The 'getting my name out there' has been the most daunting thing by far.

I thought that once I got myself on tv, I'd be totally set. Hello everyone. Please line up in an orderly fashion and I'll deal with your booking offerings one at a time. Hasn't happened. Far from it. In fact, nothing has happened. No one cares. I did more for myself in this scene last night by going to 2 shows an not performing. I just hung out...hanged out? I was there hanging out, I will hang out, we hung out...I hang...ed? Weird.

But that's what happened. I went and I talked to people. I hated every second of it. I wanted to perform and then leave. It's not that the people I was talking to were awful or something. Far from it. There are some really great guys up here who are in the exact spot I'm in. I talked to a bunch of them last night. It's just that it's the part I hate. There are some comics who can just go to show after show, pack-dogging the booker until they score a spot. I can't. Well, I can I guess, I just don't want to. It's like pulling teeth. Well, I pulled a tooth last night. Hopefull I can do it some more and make use of my time in NYC.

As for the picture, that is Melkor addressing Ungoliant from the Silmarillion. Melkor was Sauron's superior and one of the 1st born of the world. Ungoliant was the mother of Shelob (giant spider that Frodo and Sam face in Mordor) and the weaver of darkness...as in she spun actual darkness. I chose it because I feel like Melkor sometimes in that I kind of sing my own tune and I could exist in harmony with the other 1st born of the world but I don't. I choose to employ a demon to spin darkness instead. The parallel is there; you just have to want to see it.

F-ing Matt Damon...a Response

2008-02-25T14:10:00.003-05:00

Normally, I think Jimmy Kimmel should be typing this blog and I should be doing his show. I have to admit though, this cracked me up. The amount of celeb appearances is staggering:

No way I could get those guys to post for a funny video I wanted to do. I have no pull. Whatever.

Celeb Justice

2008-02-21T15:46:00.003-05:00

America is obsessed with celebrities. Celeb news has replaced actual news and it's absurd. There are these 'news shows' that are literally completely dedicated to reporting things like rehab stints, weight gains, and dining locations of stars. It's embarrassing. No one has ever said it better than this:

I know I haven't said anything new here. My only distinction I like to throw up there is that I don't actually mind someone being famous if they've accomplished something. Acting in a movie is an accomplishment. It's not an amazing one, but it's something. Being a singer or actor isn't as cool as say, this:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/19/science/19carb.html?_r=2&oref=slogin&oref=slogin

What I really hate is when someone is famous for no reason, then uses said fame to do things that others can't. So when Heidi Montage makes a music video and sells on itunes, that is literally stopping a deserving artist from getting air time. The morbid fascination that we have with talentless people that have been thrown in our faces never ceases to amaze me. Reality tv participants have agents and I can't get a call back.

Example: Lindsay Lohan has been in movies. Before she was a gong show on stilts, she was in the Parent Trap. She had talent. Now, she hasn't used it well and hasn't gotten much better, but you know what? I have no problem with her being famous.

Paris Hilton: She participated in seggsual acts on videotape. She is the daughter of a rich dude. She has since parlayed this into a multinational corporation on her own (clothing, handbags, shoes, music career, movies and tv appearances). This is a steaming load of bull-shite delivered to every front door in a wicker basket.

It is certainly a bit excessive how we obsess over the 'Bradjelinas', the Cruise wives, and all the rest. I can kind of forgive that because they've all done something with their lives. They all worked before they got big. They put in some dues; not the same kind of dues as lots of us, but they worked. Hacks like this b*tch on the right have literally had fame thrust upon them and they are milking it for all that's worth. The lead story on the news for months last year was Anna Nicole Smith and what was going to happen to her bastard child.

She posed naked. She got fat then lost wait. This was after the gold digging cologen unit married a 100 year old dude that couldn't walk. Ask yourself: why did I care?

Roundabout Way and Fidel

2008-02-19T11:06:00.005-05:00

How do you ask for something you know you don't deserve but really want? How do you ask someone to go out of their way to give you something that they are under no obligation to give you? I don't know how to do this. Nonetheless, I want to be included. Let's go to Mexico.

In real news, Fidel Castro (473), has announced that he will retire as 'President' of Cuba. The Washington Post said so: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/02/19/AR2008021900147.html?hpid=topnews

All it took was the US 50-some years of passive aggressive nagging to get him to retire. Hear that Kim Jong? We are so coming for you. This man will ultimately go down as one of the biggest thorns in the collective side of the United States. He literally opposed us at every turn and has never made it easy for us. This defiant sum-b*tch sat there, 40 miles off our borders thumbing his nose at us every day. Cuba, who's GDP is less than the combined salaries of 40 something Major League baseball players who have defected, has stood as our enemy for decades. Terrible dude...Whoever put him in power was a moron...what's that? We did? Really? When?....Oh yeah, then the bay thing with the...yeah...the missiles and whatnot...awkward.

The impact from Castro's departure remains to be seen but I can tell you one repercussion. I am losing $5. I bet my mom that he would end his term in office via assassination. She went with 'other'. Pisses me off that I'm wrong. Also, please note that the photo of him above was airbrushed.

STUNNING

2008-02-14T01:04:00.003-05:00

Fubu (maybe FUBU...no one knows). If you are a comic in the DC area, know a DC comic or go to any shows with any frequency, you will hear this story in the coming days. I was there. I still cannot believe it. Wow. There are no photos and I can't find a weblink for this guy. Giddyup

I went to Wiseacres in Tyson's Corner on Wednesday night. I haven't been there (outside from stopping by to pick up a tape from someone for 3 minutes) since January of 2005. I'm not going to put why in public space. Ask me if you care. Things have changed now. Andy Kline, Randolph T, and Rob Maher are running the open mic now. I'm totally on board with that. It's a good spot again. Still a lot of comics, but still. Good for those guys.

A bunch of my buddies are there. After a few of us had gone up, a particularly ATROCIOUS comic went up. His 5 minutes was, to be kind, embarrassing, crass, disgusting, and offensive. He wasted everyone's time. Throughout his racist and overtly graphic sexual items (I can't call it material), the comics in the room quietly groaned and exchanged glances as if to see: 'man is this really bad'. He had a clownish appearance.

Picture how you would mock someone that aspired to dress like Kevin Federline but was unable to afford to do so. He wore a hat sideways with a zip up sweatshirt that was open. He was very Vanilla Ice. Now, many of you might not know this but those of you that do will agree, this dude was an incredible bama. A tremendous bama of epic proportions. Sometimes, people can debate over whether or not a certain person is a bama. Fubu should be a starting point. What a terrible dude. The clothing line FUBU stands for 'For Us By Us'...Fubu at Wiseacres was a white guy from somewhere in VA. In comedy, the most bamafied thing you can do is to give yourself a stage name that isn't related to your own name. Unless Fubu's real name is 'Funderburke Burger', it's so awful I can't even think straight.

He referred to himself as a 'Wigger'. Allow me a quick moment here to editorialize. That wombo (word combo) is as offensive (if not more so) than the actual N-word. It should never be used under any circumstances. Instead, use 'Wack' (white black).

Back to the tale. The merciful end to his set was upon us. We were all grateful. We had no idea what was to come next.

Fubu: 'Before I get outta here, y'all ever heard of the floating penis bit? Aiiight...'

Fubu takes the microphone out of the stand. He unscrews the chord and takes it into the crowd; holding it aloft. (note, this is someone's bit. I can't remember who's but it's not original.) He goes a way into the crowd. The comics are all rolling their eyes and are looking around waiting for this to be over...then...HE LEFT. I don't mean he left the stage. I mean, HE LEFT THE CLUB. Gone.

He took the mic and left the club. For a second, everyone is stunned. Then a couple of guys ran out to the hallway to see if they could find him. Fubu was gone. Luckily, Andy and the club had another mic and the show went on, with everyone taking shots at Fubu. What a douche! I saw it and I still can't believe it happened.

I really hope that Wiseacres presses charges. I think there was a guy shooting video. Evidence b*tches. I want Fubu to pay for what he is, not for what he did. I mean wow.

It's So Important for Hillary to Lose

2008-02-12T14:36:00.000-05:00

I cannot stress how important this is. This is only 1 EXAMPLE of why Hillary Clinton in office would be a disaster. She is the worst. If you have any inclination of voting for her, please, I beg you, please do a little research. This story from the WALL STREET JOURNAL is just the tip of the iceberg.

The article is pasted below. Again, please, this is so important.

The Clintons' Terror Pardons

By DEBRA BURLINGAME
February 12, 2008; Page A17

It was nearly 10 p.m. on New Year's Eve, 1982. Two officers on New York Police Department's elite bomb squad rushed to headquarters at One Police Plaza, where minutes earlier an explosion had destroyed the entrance to the building. Lying amid the carnage was Police Officer Rocco Pascarella, his lower leg blasted off.

"He was ripped up like someone took a box cutter and shredded his face," remembered Detective Anthony Senft, one of the bomb-squad officers who answered the call 25 years ago. "We really didn't even know that he was a uniformed man until we found his weapon, that's how badly he was injured."

About 20 minutes later, Mr. Senft and his partner, Richard Pastorella, were blown 15 feet in the air as they knelt in protective gear to defuse another bomb. Detective Senft was blinded in one eye, his facial bones shattered, his hip severely fractured. Mr. Pastorella was blinded in both eyes and lost all the fingers of his right hand. A total of four bombs exploded in a single hour on that night, including at FBI headquarters in Manhattan and the federal courthouse in Brooklyn.

The perpetrators were members of Armed Forces of National Liberation, FALN (the Spanish acronym), a clandestine terrorist group devoted to bringing about independence for Puerto Rico through violent means. Its members waged war on America with bombings, arson, kidnappings, prison escapes, threats and intimidation. The most gruesome attack was the 1975 Fraunces Tavern bombing in Lower Manhattan. Timed to go off during the lunch-hour rush, the explosion decapitated one of the four people killed and injured another 60.

FALN bragged about the bloodbath, calling the victims "reactionary corporate executives" and threatening: "You have unleashed a storm from which you comfortable Yankees can't escape." By 1996, the FBI had linked FALN to 146 bombings and a string of armed robberies -- a reign of terror that resulted in nine deaths and hundreds of injured victims.

On Aug. 7, 1999, the one-year anniversary of the U.S. African embassy bombings that killed 257 people and injured 5,000, President Bill Clinton reaffirmed his commitment to the victims of terrorism, vowing that he "will not rest until justice is done." Four days later, while Congress was on summer recess, the White House quietly issued a press release announcing that the president was granting clemency to 16 imprisoned members of FALN. What began as a simple paragraph on the AP wire exploded into a major controversy.

Mr. Clinton justified the clemencies by asserting that the sentences were disproportionate to the crimes. None of the petitioners, he stated, had been directly involved in crimes that caused bodily harm to anyone. "For me," the president concluded, "the question, therefore, was whether their continuing incarceration served any meaningful purpose."

His comments, including the astonishing claim that the FALN prisoners were being unfairly punished because of "guilt by association," were widely condemned as a concession to terrorists. Further, they were seen as an outrageous slap in the face of the victims and a bitter betrayal of the cops and federal law enforcement officers who had put their lives on the line to protect the public and who had invested years of their careers to put these people behind bars. The U.S. Sentencing Commission affirmed a pre-existing Justice Department assessment that the sentences, ranging from 30 to 90 years, were "in line with sentences imposed in other cases for similar terrorist activity."

The prisoners were convicted on a variety of charges that included conspiracy, sedition, violation of the Hobbes Act (extortion by force, violence or fear), armed robbery and illegal possession of weapons and explosives -- including large quantities of C-4 plastic explosive, dynamite and huge caches of ammunition. Mr. Clinton's action was opposed by the FBI, the Bureau of Prisons, the U.S. attorney offices that prosecuted the cases and the victims whose lives had been shattered. In contravention of standard procedures, none of these agencies, victims or families of victims were consulted or notified prior to the president's announcement.

"I know the chilling evidence that convicted the petitioners," wrote Deborah Devaney, one of the federal prosecutors who spent years on the cases. "The conspirators made every effort to murder and maim. . . . A few dedicated federal agents are the only people who stood in their way."

Observed Judge George Layton, who sentenced four FALN defendants for their conspiracy to use military-grade explosives to break an FALN leader from Ft. Leavenworth Penitentiary and detonate bombs at other public buildings, "[T]his case . . . represents one of the finest examples of preventive law enforcement that has ever come to this court's attention in the 20-odd years it has been a judge and in the 20 years before that as a practicing lawyer in criminal cases."

The FBI cracked the cases with the discovery of an FALN safe house and bomb factory. Video surveillance showed two of those on the clemency list firing weapons and building bombs intended for an imminent attack at a U.S. military installation. FBI agents obtained a warrant and entered the premises, surreptitiously disarming the bombs whose components bore the unmistakable FALN signature. They found 24 pounds of dynamite, 24 blasting caps, weapons, disguises, false IDs and thousands of rounds of ammunition.

A total of six safe houses were ultimately uncovered. Seven hundred hours of surveillance video were recorded, resulting in a mountain of evidence connecting the 16 prisoners to multiple FALN operations past and present.

Federal law enforcement agencies considered these individuals so dangerous, extraordinary security precautions were taken at their numerous trials. Courthouse elevators were restricted and no one, including the court officers, was permitted to carry a firearm in the courtroom.

Given all this, why would Bill Clinton, who had ignored the 3,226 clemency petitions that had piled up on his desk over the years, suddenly reach into the stack and pluck out these 16 meritless cases? (The New York Times ran a column with the headline, "Bill's Little Gift.")

Hillary Rodham Clinton was in the midst of her state-wide "listening tour" in anticipation of her run for the U.S. Senate in New York, a state which included 1.3 million Hispanics. Three members of the Congressional Hispanic Caucus -- Luis V. Gutierrez (D., Ill.), Jose E. Serrano, (D., N.Y.) and Nydia M. Velazquez, (D., N.Y.) -- along with local Hispanic politicians and leftist human-rights advocates, had been agitating for years on behalf of the FALN cases directly to the White House and first lady.

Initial reports stated that Mrs. Clinton supported the clemencies, but when public reaction went negative she changed course, issuing a short statement three weeks after the clemencies were announced. The prisoners' delay in refusing to renounce violence "speaks volumes," she said.

The Clintons were caught in an awkward predicament of their own making. The president had ignored federal guidelines for commutation of sentences, including the most fundamental: The prisoners hadn't actually asked for clemency.

To push the deal through, signed statements renouncing violence and expressing remorse were required by the Justice Department. The FALN prisoners, surely relishing the embarrassment and discomfiture they were causing the president and his wife, had previously declined to accept these conditions. Committed and unrepentant militants who did not accept the authority of the United States, they refused to apologize for activities they were proud of in order to obtain a clemency they never requested.

So desperate was the White House to get the deal finalized and out of the news, an unprecedented 16-way conference call was set up for the "petitioners" who were locked up in 11 different federal facilities so that they could strategize a response to the president's offer. Two eventually refused to renounce their cause, preferring to serve out their lengthy sentences rather than follow the White House script.

Mr. Clinton's fecklessness in the handling of these cases was demonstrated by the fact that none of the prisoners were required, as a standard condition of release, to cooperate in ongoing investigations of countless unsolved FALN bombing cases and other crimes. Mrs. Clinton's so-called disagreement with her husband on the matter made no mention of that fact. The risk of demanding such a requirement, of course, was that the prisoners might have proudly implicated themselves, causing the entire enterprise to implode, with maximum damage to the president and potentially sinking Hillary Clinton's Senate chances.

Meanwhile, Puerto Rican politicians in New York who'd been crowing to their constituents about the impending release of these "freedom fighters" were enraged and insulted at Hillary Clinton's withdrawal of support. "It was a horrible blunder," said State Sen. Olga A. Mendez. "She needs to learn the rules."

The first lady called her failure to consult the Puerto Rican political establishment before assessing the entire issue a mistake "that will never happen again" -- even as the cops who had been maimed and disfigured by FALN operations continued to be ignored. Tom and Joe Connor, two brothers who were little boys when their 33-year-old father, Frank, was killed in the Fraunces Tavern attack, were dumbstruck to learn that White House staffers referred to the FALN militants as "political prisoners" and were planning a meeting with their children to humanize their plight.

Members of Congress viewed the clemencies as a dangerous abuse of presidential power that could not go unchallenged. Resolutions condemning the president's action were passed with a vote of 95-2 in the Senate, 311-41 in the House. It was the most they could do; the president's pardon power, conferred by the Constitution, is absolute. The House launched an investigation, subpoenaing records from the White House and Justice in an effort to determine whether proper procedure had been followed. President Clinton promptly invoked executive privilege, putting Justice Department lawyers in the impossible position of admitting that they had sent the White House a recommendation on the issue, but barred from disclosing what it was.

Twenty-four hours before a scheduled Senate committee hearing, the DOJ withheld the FBI's written statement about the history of the FALN and an assessment of its current terrorist capability. "They pulled the plug on us," said an unnamed FBI official in a news report, referring to the Justice Department decision to prevent FBI testimony.

The investigation revealed that the White House was driving the effort to release the prisoners, rather than the other way around. White House aides created talking points and strategies for a public campaign on the prisoners' behalf included asking prominent individuals for letters supporting clemency.

Jeffrey Farrow, a key adviser on the White House Interagency Working Group for Puerto Rico recommended meetings with the president and the three leading members of Congressional Hispanic Caucus who were pushing the effort, stating in a March 6, 1999 email, "This is Gutierrez's [sic] top priority as well as of high constituent importance to Serrano and Velazquez." The next day, White House Deputy Chief of Staff Maria Echaveste sent an email to White House Counsel Charles Ruff, who was handling the clemency issue, supporting Mr. Farrow's view, saying, "Chuck -- Jeff's right about this -- very hot issue." Another adviser in the Working Group, Mayra Martinez-Fernandez, noted that releasing the prisoners would be "fairly easy to accomplish and will have a positive impact among strategic communities in the U.S. (read, voters)."

And there you have it. Votes.

While the pardon scandals that marked Bill and Hillary Clinton's final days in office are remembered as transactions involving cronies, criminals and campaign contributors, the FALN clemencies of 1999 should be remembered in the context of the increasing threat of domestic and transnational terrorism that was ramping up during the Clinton years of alleged peace and prosperity. To wit, the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, the 1995 Tokyo subway Sarin attack, the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing, the 1995 "Bojinka" conspiracy to hijack airplanes and crash them into buildings, the 1996 Khobar Towers bombing, the 1996 Summer Olympics bombing, Osama bin Laden's 1996 and 1998 "Declarations of War" on America, the 1998 East African embassy bombings, the 2000 USS Sullivans bombing attempt, the 2000 USS Cole bombing, and the 2000 Millennium bombing plot.

It was within that context that the FBI gave its position on the FALN clemencies -- which the White House succeeded in keeping out of news coverage but ultimately failed to suppress -- stating that "the release of these individuals will psychologically and operationally enhance the ongoing violent and criminal activities of terrorist groups, not only in Puerto Rico, but throughout the world." The White House spun the clemencies as a sign of the president's universal commitment to "peace and reconciliation" just one year after Osama bin Laden told his followers that the United States is a "paper tiger" that can be attacked with impunity.

It would be a mistake to dismiss as "old news" the story of how and why these terrorists were released in light of the fact that it took place during the precise period when Bill Clinton now claims he was avidly engaged, even "obsessed," with efforts to protect the public from clandestine terrorist attacks. If Bill and Hillary Clinton were willing to pander to the demands of local Hispanic politicians and leftist human-rights activists defending bomb-makers convicted of seditious conspiracy, how might they stand up to pressure from other interest groups working in less obvious ways against U.S. interests in a post-9/11 world?

Radical Islamists are a sophisticated and determined enemy who understand that violence alone will not achieve their goals. Islamist front groups, representing themselves as rights organizations, are attempting to get a foothold here as they have already in parts of Western Europe by deftly exploiting ethnic and racial politics, agitating under the banner of civil liberties even as they are clamoring for the imposition of special Shariah law privileges in the public domain. They believe that the road to America's ultimate defeat is through the back door of policy and law and they are aggressively using money, influence and retail politics to achieve their goal.

On the campaign trail, the Clintons like to say that Bill is merely supportive and enthusiastic, "just like all the other candidates' spouses." Nothing could be further from the truth. Returning Bill and Hillary Clinton to the White House would present the country with the unprecedented situation of a former and current president simultaneously occupying the White House, the practical implications of which have yet to be fully explored.

The FALN clemencies provide a disturbing example of how the abuse or misuse of presidential prerogative, under the guise of policy, can be put in service of the personal and private activities of the president's spouse -- and beyond the reach of meaningful congressional oversight.

Ms. Burlingame, a former attorney and a director of the World Trade Center Memorial Foundation, is the sister of Charles F. "Chic" Burlingame III, the pilot of American Airlines flight 77, which was crashed into the Pentagon on Sept. 11, 2001.

98 tonight

2008-02-11T15:51:00.000-05:00

Hey peeps,

Check me out on 98 rock tonight. I'll be on with Joe Robinson from 7-11. We're going to talk about the important issues...

Listen with a radio or at www.98online.com.

Holler

A New Blog

2008-02-05T17:02:00.000-05:00

I am now writing an 2nd blog. I know that's ballsy when I don't update this one enough. Whatever. Stop undressing me with your eyes.

This is for the sports fans out there. There will be some pop culture but only as it relates to sports. For those of you that think sports are dumb, you are right. Whatever. It won't stop me from writing.

Check it when you have a sec:

http://www.washingtonnationalsnews.com/roos/weblog

Click on every link you see on the page once you get there. I get like $.08 every time you do it...so do it. Help pay for this internets time.

Super Bummed

2008-01-31T13:18:00.000-05:00

Last night, when I rode the train home from the UCB Theater in NYC, I encountered a different situation. (as a side, I spell Theater...like that. They spell it 'Theatre'. That just doesn't look right to me. Thee-tree or The-ah-trey...That's what it looks like. Is it funny? Is that why? I don't get it. I'm not judging. Just saying. Ok, back to the topic)

I took the E train home from the 23rd street stop. The only reason I mention this is that sometimes, and it is ALWAYS a mystery to me as to when it happens, certain subway trains will mysteriously run on different lines, not run, skip stops, or generally make unexpected moves. You have to be on your toes. Usually, to get home from 23rd and 8th Ave, I take the 'A C E' to West 4th then change to the 'F V' and get out at 2nd Ave or Delancey street depending on my mood.

99.99999% of the time, if I did not transfer (as I forgot to do once a few weeks back), the 'A C E' will take you right down to the financial district or 'no where close to my apartment'. Well last night, as we approached the West 4th street station, the conductor came on and said 'hmhmh hmhmhmhmh, hmhmhm, vmvmhvmvhm...customers should....vmhmhvmmvvhvmuuuuummmmvhvhv 2nd avenue...once again...vhmvhvmhvhmvhmvhvhvmhvhmv...exit the train....'

It was at this point that I looked around, a bit concerned because I had no idea what dude said or what it meant for me. We pull into West 4th and most of the peeps get off the train. I say....screw it. Let's get ballsy. Let's see if this bad boy goes to 2nd Ave. I stay on. Know who else stayed on? 4 homeless dudes. All spread out on my car on the train. 4 homeless dudes and me. Fine. No problem. 1 dude, closest to me begins to mutter. No problem.

Another dude, head down occasionally twitching. No problem.

Twitchy Mcjitters wakes up and begins to mutter. No problem.

Then it gets weird. I'm suddenly aware that every one of these homeless dudes has a sandwich. I first hypothesize that they came from some kind of shelter where they give out sandos. I examine further and ever sandwich was different. They were all wrapped differently. One guy had chips even. All these homeless dudes, almost at the exact same moment, begin to eat sandwiches on a train that is not going to the place it normally goes. Weird.

The dude farthest down the car from me was really into his sandwich experience. He was dripping crumbs everywhere. The uppity side of me was a little annoyed because when you do that, it attracts rodents to the trains. The rest of me called that side me a douche and wanted to know what would happen next. Now, you have to picture this scene. Everything is surreal.

Dude goes: "MUTHA F*CKIN SANDWICH....MUTHA F*CKIN SANDWICH DELICOUS!"

I did one of those bursts of laughter things then quickly composed myself for fear of possible interaction. Luckily, the train that could be going anywhere, went to my stop and was breaking so he didn't hear me laugh at him.

Quick note: the homeless dudes just sat on the train after it stopped. The conductor and NYC transit folks kept saying: 'Last stop. Everyone needs to be off the train.' They didn't move. I wonder if they stay on the trains all night and just ride around? Maybe it's a warmth thing in te winter time? I won't claim to know. I do know that dude had a delicious sandwich.

Watch my show on Animal Planet! Friday night at 9:30.

An Idiot Walks Among Us....

2008-01-28T16:51:00.001-05:00

Be afraid. Be very afraid. If you are a Redskins fan, you are now officially not allowed to be a fan of owner/dictator/poor decision maker snyder, dan. Please note that when I really dislike a sports figure associated with a team that I support, I always use the 'Last Name, First Name' description. Example: Gardner, Rod. Ugh.

When 'Private Jet' first took over the team, he made a big splash by signing aging free agents, firing coaches, hiring different coaches, firing them, then while searching for a new coach, secretly courting other coaches, purging teams of restricted free agents, trading draft picks like they were diseased hot potatoes, over-paying for suspect players, handing out bonuses like they were crackerjack prizes, promoting people that agreed with him, and generally ruining one of the greatest franchises is sports. Love them, hate them, not care about them, whatever you choose to do, you have no choice but to acknowledge the Redskins' place as one of the flagship franchises in the sporting world with a rabid and enormous fan base and a season ticket waiting list longer than a DMV line at 9AM on a Saturday when you didn't know that you can renew your license online.

For the last 4 years, Joe Gibbs took charge. Gibbs was not always successful. In fact, with the exception of 2 season ending win streaks, Gibbs' tenure was really mediocre; even below average. 2 playoff appearances in 4 years is eons better than what this team went through in the 13 years after his first departure. During this period, snyder, dan took a back seat. He asked: 'Joe, what do you need?'. Joe told him, and he went and got it. He was the kind of owner that any team would be lucky to have. How can you fault a guy like that? He was willing to spend and get what the guys leading the team wanted. It was as though snyder, dan had grown into his role.

Fool me once...good fooling. Fool me twice, I want to remove you from office and lock you in a room and have fans take turns airing their grievances against you for 3 weeks, or the same amount of time this coaching soap opera has gone on. Skins fans dread to read the sports section every day. Every piece of news is more shocking than the last. The 3 ringed circus of this coaching search has alienated the fan base, the players, and even the coaches that may or may not remain employed by the team in the coming year. Snyder, Dan has undertaken a secretive, cloak and dagger, and heartless approach to his search for the next coach of the Redskins.

The players and fans (overwhelmingly) wanted Gregg Williams to succeed Joe Gibbs. Joe Gibbs wanted this as did the majority of the other coaches. Nothing in Gregg Williams' coaching track record indicates that he is somehow a savior or super coach of some sort. The simple fact remains that he was, by all accounts, as instrumental as anyone within the organization in shepherding the team through the tragedy of Sean Taylor's death. He was there. The players rallied around his leadership and played inspired ball despite the loss of several players (not excluding the team's best player in Taylor). 3 weeks later, Williams, after 4 different all-day interviews, secretive dealings with high profile coaches (reports point to Pete Carroll today), and endless rumor, is now dismissed. He went from an instrumental figure, fan and player favorite, and favorite of Joe Gibbs to a 'disgraced' former employee. Whether he was the answer or not, his treatment was callous and pathetic.

So where are we now? snyder, dan is flying his private jet all over the country and is being spotted like he's Brad-Jelina. Every move is worse than the one before. The candidates pooping up now (Steve Mariucci, Jim Fassell, and Ron Meeks) are doomed before they start. Any chance they might have had to succeed have been stripped away. snyder, dan has proved that he is back with some sort of vengeance. In his mind, he tried it 'their way' where he stayed out of the way...well now it's time for Johnny Executive to step in and run every aspect again. Football men be damned! snyder, dan is handling this coaching search like he's trying to staff a Nokia store in Tyson's Corner.

So we say again, be afraid. If you are a fan of any other team, or more specifically a team that has to play the Redskins, congrats.

Super Happy Fun Explosion Time!

2008-01-24T15:36:00.000-05:00

If you like joy and fun, you'll like this:

If you don't like joy and fun, you'll think that 10 minutes is too long...and we're also not friends.

Go and listen to the newest '20 Minutes on the Internet With Danny and Rory' podcast on my website. Further, listen to the others if you haven't already.

Since I'm feeling a bit bossy, watch my show on Friday nights on Animal Planet. The A-List airs every Friday night at 9:30. Don't be the 13457th person to tell me: 'I've been meaning to watch it but I haven't'. Really? You meant to? What's been stopping you? Is it the fact that you would rather be out on a Friday night? Fine, good point. Either way, I'm on tv and that's cool.

Last thought: I hate Hillary Clinton. I have a friend who volunteers on her campaign. I don't know if I'm upset about this, sad for him, angry at him, or what. I'm confused. I'm irritated and frustrated. Funny Danny note: No one has seen this guy in weeks. Is he embarrassed? I would be...I would be.

Healthcare '08

2008-01-16T15:13:00.000-05:00

This is really cool. Re-phrase: it's not that cool. I mean, it's not like jean jacket leaning on a mustang in the mid 70s cool...but I think it's pretty cool...

Anyway, my girl Lucie's company put this interactive graph online. It maps out where all the candidates stand on Health Care and lets you plot your views against their's. It's very informative and telling. I guess I knew this before I started but filling out this graph basically confirmed that I am some kind of extremist zealot who should be living in the hills somewhere with a dog army and lots of rifles. It also confirms that I never could get elected to office. My views are too hard to enact.

Enjoy:

http://www.healthcentral.com/healthcare08/

Fun for the whole family!

A Match Made In.....Hell

2008-01-15T15:34:00.000-05:00

Two of my least favorite non-murderers in the world were upset on Sunday. jerry jones and terrell owens (both not capitalized on purpose) were in a sad state. Things in Dallas don't look like this right now. These two super-villains are celebrating Dallas' 12th consecutive year without a playoff win. Even my dysfunctional, gong show, no direction Redskins have playoff wins in that time frame. One could argue, the Skins have been among, if not the, worst NFL organization since we last won a Super Bowl in 1991. Yet, we've got more wins in the post-season than the evil cowpersons.

I hate the cowpersons. Now, most people, when asked objectively, superlatives aside, will back off and say that they really don't 'hate' teams. Not me. I really hate the cowpersons. Why back off?

Dictionary.com defines hate as: "to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest"

That covers it. When I walk around and see bandwagon punks with stars on their hats or jackets celebrating the years when they were good, I get irritated. That smells like a nice dose of hate to me. Is it healthy? No. They win games every year and it makes me angry every time they do. The payoff in the end has been great though. To see them lose in the playoffs the last 2 years on Romo miscues is like watching the Angels in Heaven sing backup for Def Lepard doing 'Rocket' while I'm sitting in a lawn chair drinking apple juice. At the show, it's me, my buddies Lubes, Attorney Jon, Hutto, and Lewis. We are all making funny comments. That's how good it is when they lose.

Look at this guy:

I mean look at him! Look at the plastic surgery. Look at the smarminess. Is that a word? Well whatever. Just look at it! This is a dude who played football at Arkansas then made millions kicking people out of their homes in the south/central US while drilling for oil. He made himself GM and then spent years undoing all the good he had done under Jim Johnson because he was an arrogant a$$. Nice Job choochbama. No playoff wins since he fired his former college teammate Barry Switzer. I love it.

Despite the fact they have tons of talent, they are not playing anymore. Good stuff there.

What's even better is that Terrell Owens, aka the worst dude in sports, is smack in the middle of all of this. There is no more talented player in the league now, or maybe ever, than TO. He is a physical specimen unlike anything the league has seen. Watching him warm up before a game is an incredible sight. He's huge. I mean like a towering super fast giant.

None of that matters. Singularly, the worst teammate in history. His giant sunglasses tearful rant in the Sunday post-game was laughable. What a fraud. I may have run my 3 other pro-bowl QBs under the bus...but I'm behind this guy. What a douche. Have a nice off-season. And by nice offseason, I mean I hate the cowpersons. My popcorn is ready a$$.

How Much Fun Is Too Much?

2008-01-14T14:49:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm bordering on it. I feel like I'm close to that line where it's like: 'whoa bruh, too much fun there bruh.'

What am I talking about? What are you talking about? I'll talk about whatever I want to talk about. You do not get to come onto this blog and be all 'what are you talkin 'bout?' Fine. Good. No, I want you to do that. Well good then. I know it's fine. That's what I'm saying.

What am I talking about? I added the jedi vs sith application onto my facebook page. Right now, I'm in a light saber battle with Mike Way. He challenged me, then kind of forgot about it. Mike, come back here so I might thrash you. Here are my current ratings:

Influence: 230

You get influence points for attacking people with the force. You get 3 points for every attack and you can only do 5 attacks per day.

Knowledge: 6416

You get 5 knowledge points for answering a Star Wars question correctly. You get -2 points for getting it wrong. The questions range in difficulty from things like:

'What color was Mace Windu's light saber?' (purple)

to

'What was produced on The Cloud City on Bespin?' (Tibanna Gas)

to

'What's the hardest thing for most of the people on this thing to do?' (talk to girls)

Please note the last question is not a real Star Wars question.

Strength: 15

You get 3 points for every light saber duel you win. You lose 1 point for losing. I am 5-0 so far. I just discovered this within the last week and have been doing it constantly. The battles are turn based so it takes a while to complete them. I have 5 battles currently ongoing. I'm in good shape on 4 of them (including against Mike Way. Yup. I said it.) and I have a puncher's chance in the other but it could go either way. I'd love to start out 10-0 but 9-1 ain't too shabbytown either.

The combat is really neat because you get to choose your light saber fighting style. You get more options based on your rank (determined through your knowledge). I am a Jedi Master which means I get more choices than the people with lesser ranks (jedi knight, padawan etc.). My preferred fighting style is Niman. This is a balanced approach that is equal in all the key parts (strength, defense, force, and agility). Of the other forms (Shii-Cho, Makashi, Soresu, Ataru, and Shien/Diem So), it's hard to pick a favorite. Yoda uses Ataru of course because he's small and he can tap into his limitless force energy.

Now, if you've read this far, you're pretty sure that I am a dork. You would be correct. I only ask that you allow me to enjoy the things I enjoy.

In other news, I was near tears when Justin Schlegel forwarded me some information about the upcoming (although long way off) Transformers 2 film. I won't be the guy who posts spoilers. Email me if you wish to know information. I will tell you that I have read this 13 page document 8 different times and gotten goose bumps on each occasion.

You will see the Transformer pictured to the right.

I am literally giddy at the possibility.

Here ends my dorkiest blog to date. Holler

Happy New Year and Haircut Follow Up

2008-01-02T16:30:00.001-05:00

Hope everyone had a safe and joyous new year's celebration. Well, 'hope' is too strong a word there. I 'hope' for a great meal or a tight apartment. I don't really hope anything for the person reading this right now. It's not that I'm one of those mean comics that's all defiant about 'not giving a sh*t!' Far from it. I'm just trying to be honest hear. It's a nice thing to say and it's polite but we all should know that it's a lie. Hoping is an active desire to see something come to pass. What we are basically saying when we say 'hope you had _____' is:

'I wasn't there. If you couldn't find a cab at the end of the night, I don't really want to hear about that. If you had fun, that's fine also. Not really looking for any story, anecdote, impression, or recounting of the event in question...really just looking to move forward and talk about where we go from here in our quaint albeit brief personal interaction.'

So there you go. Hope you liked that.

Received lots of notes re the haircut story from my last blog (read up if you haven't). I appreciate this. Just wanted to state that I'm not particularly upset by these events and I harbor no ill will towards anyone involved. A couple of people thought I was trying to make some sort of social commentary through the telling of the tale and please rest assured that I was not. Just thought it was a funny series of events where I was kind of awkward. That's how I tried to tell it. We all know I'm a terrible writer which, in cases like this, can sometimes lead to confusion. Sincere apologies if anyone was offended.

Further, a lot of people have called for some closer on the story. Did I actually get a haircut? By whom? I did in fact finish the job. I strolled into a 3rd place that was very Latino. You know that salsa beat that is in ever salsa song? That was on. The woman available to cut my hair did not speak any English. One thing you don't know about your blogging humorist is that he knows Spanish...at an 11th grade level minus 10 years of 'not using it'. I point to the top of my head and drop the 'corto alli por favor'...then I point to my sides and back and say: 'y, mas corto alli'.

My hair has never looked better.

Right towards the end of the haircut, she began pulling and touching my eyebrows. I realized she was asking me a question. I think she wanted to do something to my eyebrows. I'm not a 'do something to my eyebrows' kind of guy. I tried to say no but she kept asking in different ways. When confronted with situations like this, I always like to play stupid and say things like 'my girlfriend likes it if I do ____' as a way to avoid confrontation. I am searching for these words or any suitable replacement. I cannot think of the word for girlfriend...I can only remember the word for 'sister'. So, when explaining why I don't want my eyebrows done, I say:

'Mi hermana te gustas (pointing at my eyebrows)'

Loosely translated and adjusted for grammar and syntax, I basically told the woman cutting my hair that I did not want to get my eyebrows done because 'my sister likes them'.

She gave me a strange look and moved on.

My Haircut and Video Game Review

2007-12-26T10:13:00.000-05:00

1st, the video game review. Today's video game is: 'Altered Beast'. This 1988 Sega Genesis Classic is...terrible. I've been at my parents' house for the holidays and have broken out the old Sega. NHL '94 is still incredible, RBI Baseball is serviceable, Revenge of Shinobi is pretty sweet...so wtf.org Altered Beast?

5 levels. Here's the breakdown:

Level 1: Stuff comes at you. You can punch or kick...or mix it up. Then you become a wolf and a stationary tall boss throws heads across the screen that then drop down in the easiest possible way for you to avoid them while you beat his a$$.

Level 2: Stuff comes at you. Mostly kicking. You turn into a dragon and to kill the giant eye that shoots little eyes, you get right next to it and push 'B' 8 times. I counted.

Level 3. Stuff comes at you. Mostly kicking. There are also gaps. You are forced to incorporate 'the jump button' or 'C'. You become a bear. You get next to a weird lizard on a bed that goes back and forth but in a limited range. Push 'B' 18 times.

Level 4: Stuff comes at you. Punching and kicking. You become a tiger and a flying gator mouth flies along the exact same pattern. 'B' button around 22 times depending on skill level.

Level 5: Stuff comes at you. Mostly kicking. You become a wolf again. You fight a rhino that is a boxer. Lots of 'B' button with the 'A' in the mix from distance.

Game ends. Ending sequence is of wolf staring at a blue bird flying in figure eight patter. If I could go back in time, besides resisting the urge to buy that Turbo Graphics 16, I'd put that copy of Altered Beast back on the shelf and replace it with attempting to talk to a girl. We learn by failure, not by playing video games in the dark.

The following is a recount of my resent haircut saga. Awkward.

My neighborhood in New York is really cool. I've got friends up here like Ryan Conner and Rory Scovel (Hoboken) and Erin Conroy (Brooklyn) and they think they live in cool neighborhoods. Erin wears a bullet proof vest. Ryan should wear one and Rory doesn't believe in vests. The point is, my hood is totally the coolest. It's like Adams Morgan in DC with more stores and places to eat...and more hipsters. My T-shirt is ironic!

Anyway, there are lots of white folks. Not that this means anything in general, but for this story it does. For all the white guys I see around my way, I never see any of them getting their hair cut. There are a bunch of barber shops/salons within a 10 minute walk of my apartment but when you walk by, you NEVER see a white guy getting his hair cut. I'm still pretty new to this area so I don't have things established. I knew where I could get my hair cut in DC. I don't in New York. I've been putting it off and I finally decided to take action.

I walked around, scouted locations, and paced around outside of places trying to pretend that I wasn't actually checking out these spots like an X boyfriend in a C- movie where he was charming until it was over. I settled on a clean looking Latin spot. I walk in. I was greeted by a stereotype. Seriously. It was like a John Leguizamo character.

'Ju nee' a 'aircuh'? OK, lemme see if de barbor is doing...'

He comes back shortly.

'OK unnnnn, de barbor is wif a guy right now...cutting hair not li' de odder ssing (laughs to himself that he made a double entendre) ...ann' unnn, dere is anover man 'oo is waiting for a chape up...so isss gon to be li' dirty minutes or son-sing...'

Cool. I'll come back later.

Undaunted, I roll close by to another barber shop that I've walked past many times. I get a little confused as to what block its on. Its really cold and windy. I finally find it. I open the door without really looking inside before I walked in...16 black men. That's who's inside this barber shop. There are 16 black dudes and they all stop and stare at me. I freeze. This is AWKWARD. What do I do? I'm white. Man am I white. I'm suddenly aware that I'm really white. Wow.

Lots of information is flooding to me in a short amount of time.

5 seats. Seat 1, man getting corn rows tightened. Seat 2, man getting afro picked. Seat 3, shape up. Seat 4, possible flat top box in progress. Seat 5, designs in the hair.

There are 2 amazingly old men playing checkers. 4 guys just chilling; just BS-ing and the 5 guys cutting hair. Those are your 16 and they are all staring at me. I decide that I'm going to roll with this. I start to take my jacket off and am trying to formulate the words to ask if it's cool if I hang out until it's time for my haircut. Before I can get the words out, the barber at the first chair, turns his clippers off, looks at me and says:

'Ain't got nuffin fo you up in here white boy.'

I say: 'Ok thanks!' and turn around a leave as fast as you can without running. The door is one of those kinds that opens normal but closes slow to allow for deliveries and such. I can hear them mocking me as I depart.

'Check out that corny muthaf*cka!'

'What's that weather like in Nebraska b*tch!'

(I was wearing my baseball sweatshirt) In the black guy doing a white guy voice: 'Yo homies, I play baseball.'

'Corny muthaf*cka lost!'

'Broke a$$ gps!'

New York city.

Congrats EJ!!!!

2007-12-21T15:46:00.000-05:00

Congrats to my friend Erin Jackson who will be on Live at Gotham.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Mark A$$ Buster...

2007-12-17T14:13:00.000-05:00

Buster Olney, one of my favorite baseball writers, said what I tried to say in a much better way on ESPN.com. Check out the article. He explains why the Mitchell Report was just a show game with zero teeth...it shows why he is a baseball writer and I am a guy that writes about stuff on a space that literally anyone can reserve space in.

I am not a fan of new years. It's always a hot mess trying to figure out what to do. I'm doing this, you guys should too...then no one else does it and you're a douche. You either spend a ton of money on a thing that is always a let down. Open bar actually means you get those tiny plastic cups with the idea of alcohol in them for 2 hours then its cash bar, or you get pink eye and go to new york and get mugged before sleeping on some dude's pee stain that you thought was sweat until you realized that it wasn't and it was too late to move so you just curl up in the corner of the bed as best you can and listen to your boy snore in the next room into a megaphone that is piped directly into your ear...I'm over it. It's a nice occasion because you can get people to hang out. I like it for that reason. It's like prom every year for grown ups.

People start asking the question in November. You always hurt someone's feelings. It's beat.

The best new year's I ever had was 2000. My boy Attorney Jon and I went around saying: 'Happy Armageddon'. This was the humors because it made everyone discomfortable. I would never hang out at Rhino Bar again though...

Mitchell....

2007-12-13T14:46:00.000-05:00

Watch my show, 'The A-List' on Animal Planet. New episodes every Friday night at 9. I am in the show a lot in the coming weeks. This is a good thing for me.

Senator George Mitchell is dropping his report. Lots of names are being named. Not sure what this means for baseball. I do know that the amount of scrutiny is pretty amazing. I think the fact that we even have a 'Mitchell Report' is troubling. Congress is involved. This is still baseball. It's a game. Sure, it's a game that generates huge revenue, but it's a game. I don't know that Congress should be involved. Congress should be handling other things...like ending the war for example. Thanks Democrats, way to seize the momentum.

Anyway, one of the guys named a ton is Roger Clemens. Now I don't know how definitive we're taking this info. I don't know what we do now. Everyone is talking about 'how we take this'. I don't know. I tend to believe the info. Everyone has come after Barry Bonds (rightly so) but we now have to apply the same standard. Clemens cheated as much or worse as Bonds. Do we asterisk the strikeout record? Do we asterisk the win totals?

What pisses me off the most is that everyone is late to this party. Everyone around the game knew. I knew. I could have told you when Clemens left Boston as a fat slob that refused to work hard at age 34 in 1996 and then showed up with 5 more mph and the build of a diesel train in Toronto on his way to a Cy Young; Clemens cheated. No idea how no one even questioned the guy. He escaped scrutiny. Over the next 10 years, as he continued to dominate, no one raised an eyebrow. This has always baffled me. Where is the spite turned Bonds' way? Where is the venom? The league starts testing, he sits out until the first round of testing happens and then comes back. No one says a word.

Anyway, the names are staggering. Big ones. No one knows what happens next. One of the flaws in this whole thing is that Mitchell was appointed by MLB. Basically, he presents this report, makes some recommendations, and MLB takes action or it doesn't. It lacks teeth. No MLB players (except Jason Giambi) cooperated on advice of the players union. This whole thing is a big pony show. My guess is that this was done to keep Congress off of MLB. Now what? My guess is that nothing happens. Literally, there won't be any actions. No prosecutions, no discipline recommendations, zero. Basically, the result of this will be that lots of players are embarrassed by the report. If you really want to get into it, I bet that this is all a move by MLB owners (chief Selig) to hurt the players union and ultimately lower salaries.

I don't know where we go from here. I'm pretty frustrated I guess. Such a big 'to do' for no real results. Everyone will deny. We'll move forward I guess.

Kurt Radomski will not be at any MLB player's Christmas parties...

Tonight

2007-12-07T11:49:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone,

Tune into my show, 'The A-List', tonight at 9 on Animal Planet. The network is airing the first 2 episodes back-to-back. I'm all over 1 of the shows tonight and the majority of the episodes over the coming weeks. Tivo people. DVR that shizzle.

Also, check out podcast #2 on my website. Rory and I talk about a bunch of stuff...you should listen to said stuff.

Last, I'm in DC this Saturday for the Poonanza. Saturday night at 10 PM at the Warehouse Theater. Email me at danny.rouhier@gmail.com if you want to reserve tix.

Thanks!

The Adventures of The People

2007-11-29T15:27:00.000-05:00

This is the most vague title I could think of.

One of the main reasons I moved to New York was the idea that the people here with me would be willing to create. What I mean is that I want to constantly produce content. Video, sketch, new standup etc. I have still found it hard even in a place with people who are like-minded. The tough thing is, everyone is busy. Even guys like Rory Scovel and me, who are without jobs, have a hard time getting together to do the things we like...and create comedy. That was a joke that implies we make seggs. We don't.

I'm going to film another segment for my Animal Planet show 'the A-List' next Wednesday. I could not be more thankful for this opportunity. Managers, if you're out there, manage me. Thanks.

Currently listening to some Guns 'N Roses on my computational device. Cival War. Sorry about that. We were robbed. That band could have done anything. Literally anything. They were perfect. If I could go back in time, I'd take lottery numbers with me. Then, I'd try to get close to GNR and set them straight. I would tell them they owe it to those of us that can't do what they do to keep going. D*cks. Then I'd go back to when the Redskins drafted Heath Shuler and not allow that by showing the picture I took of his real estate sign in Tennessee when he should have been in the prime of his career.

Obviously, I am a Redskins fan. This week has been really tough. It's an insult to the memory and legacy of someone to claim some kind of personal connection with him. The truth is this: as much as one can care for someone he has never met, I cared for Sean Taylor. I followed him at the U, hoped for his coming to DC, followed his development with great interest. The window of the media provided that for me. I never met him but I feel like I knew who he was. The actions of men are what define them. His actions were improving and he should be defined as a bright star that left us too soon. It makes me sick that his past issues are dragged up in the coverage.

Would that happen to a regular guy? 'Jim was killed and when he was in college he drank too much one night and puked in his roomate's pillow case. He also lied to his boss and went on a long weekend by calling in sick at job he didn't care about.' Obviously, the level of problems we're talking about are different (calling in sick vs putting a shotgun in a dude's mouth and beating him senseless) but that doesn't mean you drag them up.

I am going to the game this Sunday. I don't know why I feel compelled to do so, but I do. I have a special place in my memory for people that brought me joy. People can say what they want about Jordan, but I saw something transcendent. I wasn't the only one that went to the park after he switched hands in mid-air against the Lakers in the finals to see if I could do it on an 8 foot rim. Sean Taylor is one of those people. When he picked up that fumble against the eagles, who I loathe like athlete's foot, and returned it for a touchdown sending us to the playoffs, I was euphoric. It was a gift. He may not have addressed it to me, but I received it.

So, for what it's worth, and that's not much, I will miss Sean Taylor. A man I never met or talked with, a guy that I saw for 20 weeks a year on Sundays, a player that gave me joy to watch. I'll miss that feeling.

Dec 7 and 20 Minutes

2007-11-28T13:53:00.000-05:00

That's when my TV show appears. It's cool to get to say that. My tv show. Hi there, which tv show is it?

Great question Phil. It's actually mine.

Phil: 'NEAT!'

Me: 'Quite'

I had an amazing time filming my segments for this show (called the A-List...set your tivo/dvr/vcr accordingly). It's a bit of a different mindset then doing standup. My comedy is, by its nature, verbose and awkward. This is not conducive for shows like this where quick clips are favored. They want you to get to the funny really quickly. I'm not a great '1 liner' kind of guy. So, this was actually a great challenge for me. The feedback I got was that most of my clips were too long to use. I totally understand that. Hopefully, enough of my stuff snuck through and I'll be all over this show.

One weird corollary to all this is that I've learned a remarkable amount about lots of animals recently. They handed the comics a fact sheet and you basically study that and write material based on the info. Want some examples?

-Bull Elephant Seal males are 4 times the size of the females. Males roll with harems of around 50 females. (Insert 'pimp' joke here for maximum humor)

-Koala bears sleep for 22 hours a day

-If an alligator's nest is under 88 degress, all the eggs will turn out female. If it's over 91, only males will be born

-The Red Knob Hornbill seals itself in a hollow tree by closing off the hole with its poop. It stays in there for 2 months while laying eggs and taking care of the babies.

-An octopus mom will literally never leave its eggs until they hatch. She lays 50,000 of them and will then literally eat her own arm so she doesn't starve to avoid leaving her eggs.

There's more, but you'll have to watch the show for other neat facts.

Last note, go to my website and check out the 1st podcast. The show is entitled: "20 minutes with Danny and Rory"

It's a good first show. We'll be doing more and getting better. Go to the media page of my site and click on the Show 1 on the audio list. Enjoy.

Animal Planet

2007-11-12T12:52:00.000-05:00

I filmed segments for an upcoming show on Animal Planet. I'm really excited about it. I have no idea how much I'll be on, if I was funny, or if I'll ever be invited back. I had a blast filming it though. I've been told it will be premiering on Dec 7. More when I know more.

Some friends and I recently shot a really funny video. It's almost all edited. People will laugh. More on this when it's done...

I just realized I basically said: 'more information later' twice. More on why I did this later.

I'm from Washington, DC. The state of DC sports teams is a shabingus. I won't type any more because I'll just get angry. The goddammn plane has crashed into the mountain.

Standing Water

2007-11-06T11:10:00.000-05:00

New York, and other major cities like it around the world, all have one thing in common. They are hubs of activity, culture, and wonder. Cities like Paris, Barcelona, and London are all places of incredible sights and structures. When you move to a city like this, you know that you could live there your entire life and not see everything the city has to offer. New discovery is possible every day. One thing no one tells you about?

Standing water. When it rains, when it snows, when certain things go awry in icky places...you get the still water. Still water sucks. It's always gross and you have to make awkward motions to get around it. Everyone to a man has experienced the fear of a moving vehicle passing too close to them over a body of water...the splash. Oh it's so beat. That 'water' is like eating a bowl of germs and then spitting it out onto your comfortable mesh pants that you bought at Target for 9.99.

No one ever mentions it. It's never talked about; but it should be. It sucks.

Not a lot of substance in this blog. Couple me items:

I'm at Carolines on Nov 20th. I'm really excited to perform at this club as it's definitely one of the marquee venues in the universe.

I also completed a humorous video shoot this past weekend. Look for that soon.

Also, tomorrow (we're recording tonight) I'll be on The Schachter Factor; a fun radio show run by my buddy Jeremy Schacter. You can listen at: www.jeremyradio.com

Last thing, I'm doing a pilot this week. More on this when it's done.

Holler.

Really?

2007-11-01T21:54:00.000-04:00

Hillary Clinton in '08. With each passing day, we draw closer to this conclusion. This is it. My only question is: really? Throw partisan feelings aside. It is beyond argument that the country is overwhelmingly displeased with President Bush (approval rating hovering around 30%. I also realize that these are slightly subjective measures and not totally accurate but the point should still stand). Republicans, are rudderless. Those running for the nomination in '08 are split evenly on doing everything they can to distance themselves from Bush or running in line to get behind him.

Democrats swept into Congress during the mid-term elections with the momentum of stopping the war in Iraq (of course there were other issues but that's the one that will resonate through history). Nearly 2 years later, you would be hard pressed to find anyone outside the most hardcore democrat who would tell you that the Ds have made any significant progress on this front or capitalized on the momentum the mid-terms should have provided them. Still, With Bush still lagging and Republicans less popular than in recent years, this is a golden opportunity for Democrats to step up....

And we get Hillary. This is the best? This is the haymaker? The big counter-punch? I am stunned. Despite my misgivings about her husband, it's undeniable that he was a star. Where are the stars? The alternatives to HC all have their flaws. Everyone seems to like Obama for example, but his biggest knock seems to be that no one thinks he can win. It's sentiments like these that have led us to...'She has the best chance, so I'm going with it.'

Frustrating. I will save both my readers from a rant against the HC for prez bus; I feel like you all know why she shouldn't be president, or even a Senator, or even a person you hang out with and talk about how your new apartment is in a cool neighborhood at a cocktail party. This is more of a 'state of disbelief' blog from yours truly.

The only analogy I can come up with is a major network lagging in ratings. The network says they need one big show this fall to get people talking about their network again. The network gets together and discusses a number of people who are available. After much deliberation, at this critical junction in the history of tv.....they pick a new show for:

Jimmy Smits.

Conclusion:

Hillary Clinton is the Jimmy Smits of the Democratic Party.

Halloween Holler

2007-11-01T21:21:00.000-04:00

My first Halloween in the Nuevo York has come and gone. Hallows Ever in my neighborhood is a gong show at the monkey section of a zoo. People go nuts.

Early in the evening, adults take their kids to restaurants and businesses for trick or treating. Totally new to me but it makes sense. You can't get into apartment buildings and knock on doors so you go to the local Equadorian spot in your Yu-Gi-Oh outfits and you get your loot. It's a good scene.

Once the children are in bed, the astounding behavior ensues. Everyone is out. All the people. All the crazy inhabitants that wait for months for this night to arrive. Costumes. Good ones, bad ones, terrifying ones. Terrifying because it takes a weird person to step into an outfit like that. Hipsters are dressed normally but they fit in on Halloween because everyone looks weird.

Eggs are thrown. Screaming. Boisterous shouts of nonsense. I woke up at 3 to a nice arrest in front of my apartment building. 5 dudes, face down on the street with cops standing over them. Sweet. Call back to those 1st few years of cops where it was pretty cool. 34 feet below me, I was riding along with Officer Shove'N'Stuff.

Halloween b*tches...

Launch Party

2007-11-01T20:53:00.000-04:00

Last week, your funny danny blogger caught a free live show. These are the best kinds of shows, due to their free-ness and their value; and you know your humorist is all about value. One of the cool things about the newer version of old york is a thing that is new to me: Launch Parties. These elusive and wondrous spectacles are both curious and compelling. Unless one is in an industry where this sort of tomfoolery is commonplace (awkward high fashion where one does not eat for example), it's hard to know where/when/why /what the hell for these things occur. Let me break down the launch party:

-some company has a new product/idea/concept/person/design/statue
-said company hires another company
-company 2 gets a venue, spends company 1's $...lots of company 1's $
-Enormous amounts of random people miraculously hear about the event.
-Said people attend, eat food, drink adult beverages, and make merry and glance at whatever new product/idea/concept/person/design/statue company 1 is rolling out there

This is what is done. Whoever did this first is either an idiot or a genius. I vote genius. Otherwise, last Thursday, I wouldn't have had 481 Guinnesses and eaten small hot dogs.

I had a hookup with this one. It was a good hook up...like she ran the event. Would I, in a million years have had any idea about this shindig without the expressed written reminders of said hookup? Negatron. Bottom line: Someone else paid for me to get sauced and listen to a cool band...and I like that.

The Get Fresh Crew

2007-10-24T16:42:00.000-04:00

I blog to tell you a story. Most won't appreciate it. Those that do will think it the tightness.

Last week, I'm at an event. It was a charity event. It was winding down. I was about to leave. A man walks into the place. The venue was huge and wondrous. I'm booking it for my birthday (funny danny note: no I'm not. It would cost more than I could potentially make in 47 years). The dude that walks in is on an iphone. He is also typing on a sidekick. He is not who he once was. I recognize him but I am still not sure it's who I think it is...that was a confusing sentence.

The man, who is a good 40 pounds heavier than when I first bought his audio cassette tape many years ago. He looks around the room...he isn't sure where to go. Someone guides him over to the registration desk. He meanders over to the unknowing chicks managing the station. They ask him his name...

He pauses from his phone call...and his sidekick. He looks up and says: "Doug E Fresh". The chicks have no idea who he is. One asks: 'OK...it's Mr. Fresh?'

He repeats his name. It is awkward. I am watching this whole scene unfold and I roll over quickly and say:

"ladies, this is Doug E Fresh. I own all his cassette tapes."

He responds: 'Aaaiiight. Where I go to?'

I took him over to where the VIPs had been hanging out earlier. Most have cleared out as the event was winding down. There were several athletes present including several former greats.

Fast forward. Doug E Fresh is talking to the guy that put on the event. I spoke to the organizer earlier and he calls me over. The two of them are talking and name dropping. I don't have much to contribute. I finally jump in during a lull. Here is the convo:

Me: 'Doug, lemme ask you this. You've been in the game for so long, do you ever get wowed by a star? Like, Derrick Jeter was here earlier; is that impressive to you or is not a big deal?'

DEF: 'I mean, das like...I mean, I make raps. No-what-I'msayin', I make raps. Most da time, it's like nah son. I done that. But man, you meet dat dude and das' like: 'that n_ _ _ a made world series.'

Me: 'I totally understand.'

DEF: 'I came in and brought that knowledge. Them guys that was doin' it strong when I was young is like wow. Tony Dorsett was in here. That's one of the best running backs of all time.'

Me: 'Actually Doug, if you'll indulge me, I think it's irresponsible to place him among the great running backs of all time.'

(At this point, the organizer is looking at me like I'm a space alien on stilts taking a piss on a parade.)

DEF: 'Oh damn!'

Me: 'If you give me 10 seconds, I'll name you 5 better right now.'

DEF: 'Aight yo.'

Me: 'Walter Payton, Jim Brown, Barry Sanders, Gayle Sayers, Marshall Faulk'

DEF: 'Daaaaammmmmmn!'

(more looks of insanity from the organizer)

Me: 'I'll name 5 more right now. Eric Dickerson, Emmit Smith, Earl Campbell, Marcus Allen, and OJ Simpson; 2000 in a 14 game season!'

DEF: 'Oh sh*t son! Bringing dat noise...'

Me: 'I just can't stand it when a guy plays on great teams and is great by association. Dorsett was fine, but just because he was on great teams, don't anoint him into the pantheon. The thing he's most famous for is getting caught by Darrell Green on Monday Night Football.'

To summarize, I had a sports debate with Doug E Fresh (from the Get Fresh Crew) and I lectured him about how I believe that a cowboy was overrated. Personal highlight.

Some Baseball Facts

2007-10-11T22:46:00.001-04:00

Here's an interesting thing that might only interest me and a few other people:

Here are the 4 teams left in the MLB playoffs:

Cleveland Indians
Colorado Rockies
Boston Red Sox
Arizona Diamondbacks

Here's the wikipedia entry for (fellow St. Albans Alum) Josh Byrnes:

"Josh Byrnes is currently the General Manager of the Arizona Diamondbacks of Major League Baseball. A graduate of Haverford College, he began his baseball career as an intern for the Cleveland Indians in 1994, quickly working his way up the organization ladder. In 1999 he was hired to fill the assistant GM position for the Colorado Rockies, a job he held for two years. He then took the same job under Theo Epstein and the Boston Red Sox until October 2005 when he was hired by the Diamondbacks to replace the departing interim GM Joe Garagiola Jr."

Lets go a bit more in depth. Byrnes was the director of scouting for the Indians until '99. Here's a quick look at some of the guys he scouted and were drafted under his watch:

CC Sabathia, Jhonny Peralta, Victor Martinez

He then left to become assistant GM of the Colorado Rockies in '99. Here's another quick look at players he acquired:

(closer) Manny Corpas, Brian Fuentes, Jeff Francis, Garrett Atkins, Jeff Baker, Corey Sullivan, Ryan Spillbourghs..basically, their starters besides Matt Holliday

He then left for the Red Sox in 2003. Another closer look:

Jonathan Papelbon, Dustin Pedroia, David Ortiz, Jacoby Ellsbury

Now he's the GM of the Diamondbacks:

Virtually the entire roster, assembled by Byrnes in the last 3 seasons since he arrived in 2005.

Memo to MLB coverage:

DO A STORY ABOUT JOSH BYRNES!!!

Saying Goodbye to This Thing I Love...

2007-10-11T21:11:00.000-04:00

I quit soda. It's been 14 weeks. It hurts. All the time. I eat food, it reminds me of Coca Cola Classic. Burritos, hamburgers, steak, chips, sandwiches, boredom, video games, pasta, talking, driving...literally everything reminds me of soda. It's a healthy life choice. My lifestyle isn't the most healthy. I'm poor, I have a weird sched and the only food available is terrible for you. I don't play sports competitively anymore and it's time to make an adjustment.

Bottom line: this is so hard. I know. Piss and moan, blah blah blah. I don't care. Right now, I'm thinking about have a can of coke. Did you know that my mouth re-creates the aftermath of coca cola telling me it's time to have one?

I'm temping now. It's a necessary thing. Not much fun but it's gotta happen. The 0 positive cash flow is very 1994 summer.

The Bachelor

2007-09-26T13:33:00.000-04:00

I haven't watched any Bachelor related programming for some time now. I got into one of them as part of an agreement that allowed my buds and I to watch 30 some hours of football per week, 24, and The Sopranos (still not an ending.) I don't know what seas it was, I do know that the dude was an idiot and picked some yatch from the south. Ohmygoshyallsofuuuuuuuun!

Anyway, It was the one with this chick: http://jam.canoe.ca/Television/2006/02/08/1430649.html

Team Canada, my horse. I was heartbroken when she was eliminated. I didn't understand how this could happen. Why?

Since I had no reason to watch any of the following seasons (have their been following seasons? I dunno), I haven't. Well, this one is different.

Now, I will start by telling you that I missed the first episode. Irresponsible on my part. No excuse. Why do I care? I know one of the bachelorettes. She's from DC and went to Wilson High School. She's friends with lots of my friends. It was with great relief that I found out she made it past the first cut. Here is my problem:

I have railed before (and still feel) that this program, and other copies, are awful for more reasons than I can count. Here are some:

-The great glee female viewers take in bashing the girls on the show (run a google search and read a blog if you don't believe me) and the sinister voyeaurism as the chicks are emotionally jerked around.

-The horrendous phenomenon of girls working themselves into a frenzy because they are competing with other girls.

-The fact that if any one of them, on her own, met the guy or someone like him in due course, they wouldn't be talking about 'fairy tales' or talking about 'being in love' after 3 weeks in a transparent attempt to 1-up the other girls on the show.

-Having now filmed a reality show, the absurdly contrived scenes/settings/prompting that takes place is an insult to viewers that no one seems to get. It's not reality people. They have 'takes', they have you repeat things, you will say the same thing a dozen times, you get prompted to say key phrases, they cut it together to have the roles filled: girl that is 'evil', girl the everyone likes and roots for. There is a producer/director in the interview room with each girl during her 'confessional'. They try and trap you into saying terrible things about the others on the show.

There's more but I'll spare you. So what's my problem? I have a horse in the field again. Now, while my common sense wants her to be eliminated because of how terrible I think the whole thing is, my heart wants her to win this thing. Put it right in those other b*tches' eyepieces. So yes Bettina, call it a fairy tell, tell us all that it's magical, have the other chicks get jealous of you because you are stealing too much 'one on one time' with Chooch McGarnigal, do the damn thing. I urge you all to tune in and root for Bettina. Mondays at 10 on ABC. Repping DC to the death.

If You Were A _______

2007-09-24T13:49:00.000-04:00

This is the name of my favorite game to play. I randomly think of something that someone in the room would be and tell them they would be it. The recipient doesn't understand and is immediately defensive or, pretends not to be defensive.

Examples:

I tell my buddy that if he was an airline, he'd be Lufthansa. Why? No one knows.

I told my special lady friend that if she was an NFL official, she'd be Ed Hochuli (pictured). There is simply no good reason for this, but it's hysterical. I suggest you try it with your friends. Employ the ADD and let your mind wander.

If you want to inform your friend that if he was a car, he'd be a PT Cruiser, then do so.

If you want to tell your buddy that if he were a baseball pitch, he'd be a foshball, by all means, proceed.

If you think your mom would be an antelope if she were an animal, then she sould know that.

The real point here is that I don't have anything to write about.

Dear reader, if you were a lake, you'd be lake Minnetonka.

Danny

Temping

2007-09-17T17:07:00.000-04:00

I just interviewed with a temp agency in NYC. Note: temp interviews should go like this: 'bruh, are you retarded?' If yes, then we have some stuff for you, if no, we have some stuff; different from the first stuff, for you.

I need to earn some cash. Apparently, you can't just be like Kramer up here and not work. Whammy.

Big one tonight for my team. Philly could be 0-2. Puppies will be saved.

Good luck to Joe Robinson who makes his debut in a few minutes on 98 rock. I guess its not his debut but the debut of his show. Either way, its good for him.

Codeword Secret

2007-09-12T13:56:00.000-04:00

The pilot I was a part of: Codeword Secret has launched its website. We are going to be filming episodes in the coming weeks so look out for them. I say look out because they will be hot like fire in an oven in the sun. I'm in it, my character is kind of a loser. I swear its a character and not me saying lines.

I am in 4 fantasy football leagues. This is too many. I am in each one for a good reason. They each connect a different part of my life and its fun to be involved with each of these groups. The problem is, I cannot even remember who I'm rooting for on Sundays anymore (player wise...its always the Redskins and whoever is playing dallas/philly/new york). The other hard part is keeping track of player acquisitions, starting the right guys, and generally managing a team effectively. The thing that really stinks is fantasy football is my least favorite fantasy sport. Its so random from week to week that its really hard to analyze trends. In baseball, you get a lot of games and are rewarded over the long hall. Ebs and valleys happen, you can pretty much predict where a guy will end up. Basketball is the same thing on a shorter scale. If a guy averages 25 a game, he may not score 25 in a given contest, but you know where his average will be.

Football is not this way. Want examples? Any fantasy owner this year would LOVE to have Steven Jackson. He went 2nd overall in most leagues. He had 58 yards rushing and lost 2 fumbles on Sunday. Was it a bad pick for me to take him? No one would say yes, yet, he was outperformed by almost every starting RB in the league. Most fantasy owners would tell you that Larry Fitzgerald is a stud and one of the sure things in fantasy football; poised for a monster year. 20 yards receiving. That's what I got. Was I stupid because I didn't draft Brandon Marshall when I could take Fitz? Of course not. The result is that I'm 0-1 in a couple leagues because my stars didn't do sh*t.

I've got a bunch more examples for other teams. It's so random and I feel like there is a lot less skill involved than the other sports. This is all moot because I'm still going to play. I'm a pu$$y.

The weather today in New York is perfect. Literally perfect. This is what I signed up for. That and the fame. The weather is nice though.

A month of Sundays

2007-09-10T16:37:00.000-04:00

I haven't blogged since Aug 14. The excuses are things like 'the internet isn't reliable here', 'I've been busy', 'I've been working on other stuff'. None of that is true. Well, the internet thing is true.

Anyway, here it is. My return to regularity. The fibercon of internet webmastery is back in business.

Updates:

Last week I filmed a tv pilot. It was a sketch comedy show/reality show that will be pitched to networks and such in the coming weeks. Updates on this as they come in. Completely bizarre/exhilarating experience. My sketch group from DC (Crisis Lab) was thrown into a stewing reality pot with a group from Chicago (Cool Table) and a group from LA (25th Century Heroes). the ultimate 'winner' of the show was the group from Chicago. They completely deserve this. To give you an idea, this group puts on a live sketch show ever week with brand new sketches. They have been doing this for years. My group now has 4 sketches and have performed live once.

The culmination of this show was a live performance at Comix Comedy Club in NY. It was an incredible show and I have not had a better time performing in my life. It felt like being on Star Search...

I was also part of a pilot that was submitted to the New York TV Festival. It is called Codeword Secret. You will hear more about this in the coming weeks. I'll be shooting future episodes soon. This show is incredible and the people working on it are super as well. The pilot was very well received which is good.

My special lady friend is going to a dress bustling this afternoon. Listen, I'm all about women enjoying themselves leading up to and during their wedding. Its their wedding. Do it up. My questions is: when did every single event associated with weddings turn into a party? The bride selects her table arrangements, party. The bride picks the invites, party. The bride tries on a dress, party. Someone, somewhere is really smart. Whenever they figured out they could do this, they made a lot of $$$.

I'll be back tomorrow. Holler

Danny

New Post

2007-08-14T13:57:00.000-04:00

I haven't been really good about blogging. I don't have an excuse, except for the difficulty of typing. It's hard.

I went to UCB last Friday night and saw an awesome Improv troupe. They were funny.

Rory, Ryan, and I had our first show at Soundfix Records last night. It was a lot of fun. Thanks to everyone who came out except for that guy who left in the middle when those girls came.

So far, New York has been really sweaty for me. I have sweat everywhere I've gone. I am anxious for summer to end. There is lots of walking, which while a good thing, is a sweaty endeavor. I arrive at every destination looking as if I ran there from a near death experience. Muggycity.org people.

I have a well earned vacation coming up next week. And by well earned, I mean that I have been useless the last month and should not get a vaca until 2009 based on this time period. OBX respect.

I'm going to a wedding this weekend. Maowage...

The Move Vlog

2007-08-06T15:10:00.001-04:00

Here it is. After much anticipation, questions, doping scandals, and stolen internet connections (thank you linksys...I don't have the words), the 'Moving to New York Vlog'

Holler

Working...

2007-07-27T14:50:00.000-04:00

on the New York Vlog. Hope to have it done today and I'll put it on the interwebs. I'm rolling to Frederick, MD for the Mid Atlantic Comedy Smorgasboard thingy. Then, Monday morning, a bunch of us are headed to Detroit for the Detroit Comedy Idol competition. We've already discussed how sucky I am at contests. I understand why contests exist but I don't like them in comedy. Judging art is silly. Note: if I won contests, I would say that you need them and that they are important.

Regardless, it should be a fun trip to Detroit. I have never been there and will be joined by some good peeps: Jon Mumma, Justin Schlegel, Mike Way, and Jason Weems will all be there repping it to the death.

Holler

Fun

2007-07-25T12:58:00.000-04:00

I have been the mayor of lazytown with my blogs. My fault not yours. But, since I admit it, you can't be mad at me. I just thought of how ridiculous that is. That's what's wrong with western civ. If you admit to it, you're somehow not accountable. I'm not good at generalizing. See what I did there?

I had a super time on 98 rock last Thursday. I was told that it was the best show ever by everyone. They are really cool over there which increases levels of goodness and humors.

Larry Poon and Justin Schlegel were in NYC last night. They had a lovely stir-fry of 'holy sh*t, is this really what it's like?' Good to see both of them and I was fortunate enough to do a quick bit with Larry. What a generous guy. He provided the pants.

I've also been really lazy about my moving to New York vlog. I don't know what to say about it other than I don't do anything during the day and I have no excuse.

A few DC guys are headed to Detroit early next week for the Detroit Comedy Idol contest. I suck at contests. I don't do well in them and haven't figured out the trick. Basically, what typically happens is I have a good set. Not great but good. Everyone seems to agree I should be considered. Then I am not considered and far away from finishing near the top. I look forward to the occasion anyway as it should be a fun road trip. I've never been to Detroit. I'm hoping to enter into one of the freestyle rap events that occur on every corner like in 8 mile.

98 Rock

2007-07-17T14:34:00.001-04:00

Dudes and chicks,

I'm going to be on 98 Rock this Thursday morning. I'll be joining Joe Robinson in studio for the morning show. I'm looking forward to it. You can listen online if that is your thing. Just go to www.98online.com. Then click on the listen live link at the top of the home page. They also have a webcam feature so you can see stuff if you like to see stuff.

Tell your friends.

Update

2007-07-16T14:16:00.000-04:00

I had a great time last night in Hoboken. I never thought I would say that at any point in my life.

Thanks to JL for having me on the show. I had one of my favorite moments as a comic last night when I thought of a punch for an older joke that had been all but retired. It's now back and people are excited.

Also, has anyone done a bit about how dumb cover bands are when you think about it? And how this can't happen in any other field? No one is going to see a 'cover artist' paint a Rembrandt...or Phil doing Larry's incredible 'Fall Quarterly '03 presentation'. I thought of it last night but had the feeling in the back of my head that sounded like this: 'YOU ARE A HACK! YOU ARE A HACK!'

I am. I'm getting more comfortable with it everyday. Hacks make it people. Integrity and intelligence will get you a ticket to see BET Comic View: "Y'all know when you be smokin' that weed, you ain't tryin' to do nothin'. Worst thing that happens is you eat yo' mama' pot roast!'

I'm starting to feel my way around up here in NYC. My neighborhood is the tightness. I'm close to so much. Also, walking is a way of life up here. This is not good for me in the summer time. I have a 94% SP (Sweat Percentage) and typically enter my apartment pouring in sweat. This will abade as the heat dwindles but as of right now...the chafing people...you would not believe the chafing.

Working on a video blog. Should be coming soon.

Bal'mer Der hon

2007-07-12T02:59:00.000-04:00

I had a blast in Baltimore last weekend. Thanks to the Factory, Mickey, and especially Joe Robinson. Here's what Joe did for me:

Got me the spot on the show, then a spot on the 98 Rock Morning show, another likely radio spot next week. Here's what I've been able to do for Joe:

Thanks Joe!

Speaking of the radio, I had a silly time doing the morning show with Mickey and Amelia. It's amazing how they are able to get up so early and be on right away. I had several periods where my mind wandered for minutes at a time and I was staring into space...note: this did not include the part of the show where women came in and showed their respective breasticles. Everyone there was really cool and I can't wait to come back. I'll be sure to let you know when that happens.

I walked around my neighborhood today. Astounding at how much their is so close to my place. I love it.

Last, and this should really be a whole blog, but did anyone get the memo on this? There was voting for the 7 wonders of the world. The problem with this is that most of the original 7 no longer exist. What are commonly thought of as the modern 7 (top of my head I could only think of: Stonehenge/Great Wall of China/Leaning Tower of Pisa/The Colosseum); most of them didn't want to participate in the voting. The new list doesn't feel as good to me. The real point is, I had no idea there was a vote. That's what Americans do well...well, I mean as long as they can see the wonder performing on tv and can text who they want via cellular device.

TRANSFORMERS!!!!!

2007-07-04T17:10:00.000-04:00

MIRTH. Holy Sh*t. Pure joy. Unparalleled happiness in my heart.

I'm In New York But I'm Not

2007-07-02T05:23:00.000-04:00

I finished moving my stuff to my apartment in New York City. I'm not one of those fakers who's all: 'I'm in New York when I'm really not'. I live in Manhattan now. Weird for me to say that but it's true. I'm excited. I have no idea what the future is going to bring but I cannot wait to see. My apartment is not big as it is in New York city and the abodes there do not tend to run on the 'big' side. Still, it is reasonable and functional and integrated and user-friendly.

I finished the moving on Saturday with a trip to bed bath and beyond the glory. I no longer consider myself a man. The final moving act was the returning of the UHAUL truck. UHUAL, is the new DMV. I cannot even tell you with my words how awful it was. We were just returning a truck; as in: 'Here are the keys bruh'. We called the office on the phone several times, no one picked up. When we arrived, I counted 12 phones. Said phones were ringing constantly. No one answered them. There was 0 progress in any line at any time. Employees were consistently walking around and ignoring pleading and helpless customers who were waiting for vans/trucks that they had reserved. I don't know the laws of our land well enough but I have got to believe that something about that organization is illegal. If you reserve something, it should be reserved. You should not be sitting on the floor at a UHAUL at W 23rd street and 11th Ave at noon on a Saturday in a pool of your own upset feelings because you had been there since 9 and your wife has taken it upon herself to remind you every 32 seconds how much this sucks. I saw that.

The most amazing thing occurred when the manager stood up and shouted to everyone: "We don't have any vehicles at this time!" The anger....oh my word the anger. The thing is, we were the only people in the place who were bringing a vehicle to the table. You would think that we would be given royal treatment. False. We could have helped, if only slightly, by providing the single commodity to ease the situation. We were ignored. The DMV has nothing on UHAUL.

I'm back in DC right now which is weird. I was involved in the production of a new show from the good folks that brought you Buddy Jackson. We shot yesterday. It was fun and I think I was OK. I'm here all week doing various things. Once this week ends, I shall transport myself back up to New York City, where I now live.

I hope to see the people that I know soon. Holler

Transformers Video

2007-06-20T14:35:00.000-04:00

Check it:

Things That Make Sadness

2007-06-20T12:54:00.000-04:00

The worst thing that can happen in my current daily routine is a bad episode of Maury Povich. It throws off the entire balance of my day. What distinguishes a good episode from a bad one? Good question non-existent person.

Bad episodes: Anything with the word 'exposed' in the title. They are always about 'shocking videos exposed', 'cheaters exposed' or some such nonsense. Always so bad. Basically, they get a dude from another show that does shocking video or catches cheaters, and have the dude do highlights from his show on the Maury Show. It's ridiculous. The studio audience gets clips from another show. I'd be mad.

Good episodes: Every talk show finds their niche. Maury's niche? Paternity tests. It's a home run every time. The humor on these shows is layered. Thickly layered humor.

1) the actions and the sh*t talking of the women accusing the men of being the father and the men denying it. Always deteriorates into a shouting match with one or both parties going over to the picture of the child/ren and arguing that there is/isn't a resemblance.

2) The reactions to the announcement of the test.
A) Despair. The extreme sadness of finding out that a complete deadbeat is not the father of the child/ren.
B) Jubilence followed by a kind of 'in your f*cking mouthpiece! You are the dad!' reaction
C) Hugging because the man who is there now is the real father (as opposed to the guy she cheated with)

3) The best is when a horrendous dude is actually the father. On an episode last week, a man that had fathered 22 children was accused of fathering 2 more. It turns out that 23 and 24 were also his. He was a little upset. The mother? Joyous because she was proven correct. Now that dude is the dad. That's her big win. Her moment in the son. Instead of a 'thank you Maury. I'm glad I've got closure', or a 'I just hope you'll live up to your responsibilities now'...we get a
booty shake dance, repeating of the words 'what! What! I done told you! What!'

Like the pic...I know it's hard to see. But she just found out that the man in question was the father of her child.

These are the episodes that make Maury great.

Kobe Bryant is demanding a trade based on organizational ineptitude. He's catching some flack for this. I am of 2 minds:

1) I hate Kobe Bryant. A selfish ego-centric punk that ran Shaq out of town to prove he could be 'the man' on a title team but before he ever set foot on an NBA court, he held the league hostage by declaring that he would never play for a 'non major market team'. He was drafted by Charlotte. People forget that he forced a trade to go to LA. A whiny punk b*tch if there ever was one.

2) I wish there was more of this. The dude wants to win (even though his reasons are selfish) and he's pissed that his idiot front office is wasting the best years of his career. He's in his prime and unguardable. He's carrying a horrendous group of older vets and high school kids not ready for prime time. I'd be pissed too.

That's all for now.

Alf

2007-06-18T13:58:00.000-04:00

I'm not working right now. It means I am pathetic.com.

I just watched a sick episode of Alf. I'm trying to go back in my personal memory banks and I cannot think of a more underrated show. I won't bore you with all the trivia that I remember from the top of my head (his real name was Gordon Shumway from the planet Melmac. He played bouillabaseball. He crash landed in the Tanner's garage when he followed a 'HAM' radio signal. Willie, Kate, Lynn and Brian Tanner...and the cat Lucky. The nosy neighbors, the Ochmaneks, were always around...what were their names? ....hard to remember...oh, Trevor and Raquel and their son Jake. There's more but we'll let it go)

The Tanner's always had to worry about Alf being discovered by the government's alien task force. Constant running theme with the occasional cliffhanger episode that led to other feelings besides the standard late 80s sitcom. If I remember correctly, the final episode of the show had Alf actually being taken away by the government (what a novel concept...providing closure for a character) and it being a remarkably sad thing.

Another running theme that was funnier was the fact that Alf's favorite food is cats. He constantly tried to eat the Tanner's cat but the attempts were half-hearted because he loved the Tanners so much. I just got a little emotional...Alf was awesome.

The only role I've ever liked Ben Stiller in was a movie about the creator of Alf called Permanent Midnight. It's just based on the guy so it's not a documentary.

Anyway, sick show. Funny Danny salutes Alf. Peace out little guy.

More Soprano thoughts

2007-06-13T15:38:00.000-04:00

Kent had a nice comment on my last rant blog. I loved the show. I still do in fact. Not much better than watching some of the classic episodes. Last week I caught the episode where Big Pussy gets whacked. Still gave me chills.

In the words of Samuel L..."Well allow me to retort!"

Kent makes some assertions, but that's what they are: assertions. They are friends with hypothesis, theory, and conjecture.

The feud with NY is over...for now. It was over when Johnny Sac and Tony had that meeting and the FBI came for Johnny Sac. But new stuff developed. That's the point. It's the lifestyle. Always something. Maybe it is over for good. Maybe it isn't. No one knows because we don't see.

AJ isn't depressed for 9 minutes of a show. He wasn't depressed when he was playing football 3 seasons ago...then he collapsed.

You say it yourself, 'Meadow is on track'. That's my point in a nutshell. We don't know where those tracks go. Anyone's guess. No one is right because we'll never see it unless there is a movie.

I didn't necessarily need Tony to die. It's one example. Closure would have been as simple as Meadow getting to sit down. The guy from the bathroom leaving. Anything! All we have are assumptions.

Now, that said, I thought this episode and the last one were 2 of the best in the history of the show and tv. I cannot remember feeling more tense about anything ever. Amazing. I enjoyed it too. I'm not a snob...well not about this anyway.

It's just that the ending isn't an ending. It's a discontinuation, a lack of coverage, a ceasing of informing. It's not fair. It's smug and it's a genuine lack of respect for the fans. I really believe this.

This show could have been made into another arrested development. No one had to watch it. We did. We invested so much. Chase took the reigns for the finale and he jerked us around as he's laughing about how smart he is. Symbols everywhere.

Was the cat Chrissy? Was it Big Pussy? Was it Adriana? Was it just a cat?

It's all just us schleps out here guessing and trying to sound smart at parties and over email. I have my own interpretation. My friends have theirs too. That's the point. That inherently means there is no closure.

You can argue that Tony gets whacked, you can argue that he doesn't. The fact that there is a debate is why I'm pissed. That means there was no closure and that's what I wanted. I wanted finality, not the illusion of it. Everyone is on a track as you mentioned but if the show taught us anything, it's that you never know. They even go so far as to say as much. It's frustrating. I don't like the fact that the last taste in my mouth is that I have to wait for the Sopranos movie to see where all the characters that I have gotten to know end up.

Anyway, good points. I'm just pissed and can't see myself being unpissed for many moons.

F*ck David Chase

2007-06-13T02:39:00.000-04:00

Below is a copy of the email I wrote to my friends about the Sopranos finale. I wanted to ponder it for a while before I posted because I wanted to make sure I was sure how I felt. I will preface by saying, I've watched all 86. I love the show and have been with it every step of the way. Giddyup:

I know there was some confusion by some folks as to who 'Carlo' was. The guy that flipped and went to the FBI.

http://www.imdb.com/gallery/hh/0621597/HH/0621597/ArthurHeadshotOne.jpg.html?path=pgallery&path_key=Nascarella,%20Arthur%20J.

that's the guy. He was one of Tony's captains. Weird that he wasn't developed like some of the other guys.

Also, I have been thinking about this for the last few days. Here is what I am going with:

F*ck David Chase. All these critics and fans gabbing on about how they 'got it' reminds me of people looking at a fleck of paint on a canvas and talking about the 'angst of the artist' and how it 'challenges social constraints through its understated aggression'. It's bullsh*t. Give me some f*cking closure man. Maybe i'm simple or something but this symbolic lapdance is just Chase saying to everyone: 'you don't get how smart I am'.

I spent the last 40 minutes poking around online and found some info.

That guy at the bar was indeed Phil Leotardo's nephew. Beyond that, the 2 black guys that came in and looked at the buffet were the same guys that robbed Tony and shot at him in Season 2 or 3, the boys at the diner were also at the train store when Bobby Bacala gets capped, the trucker was the brother of a truck driver that Chrissy killed in Season 2 that identified the body after the crime. What's the point? It's that no one knows what any of this means.

The Godfather references were not subtle. I think it was just another way of teasing us. You show us all this stuff, hint at all these things: "You never know when it's going to come" and then let everyone guess while you are either sitting there smug because you're so clever or biding your time until you can do the movie and make more $. It pisses me off for several reasons:

1) the reactions of all those knuckle-f*ckers who are like: 'I get it. Bravo David Chase!'

2) The fact that Chase has always said he knew exactly how this show would end. Really? That's it? Your ending, that you have always envisioned is no ending at all and a symbolic orgy of subtle references with a black screen that made 1/2 of america think its cable went out?

3) The endings of things should provide closure. Otherwise, they are not endings...they are ceasings or stoppings, not endings. Cheers ended with: 'Sorry, the bar's closed'. That's an ending. The Cosby show ended with all the kids out of the house, Theo graduating college, and Cliff and Claire dancing together. Ending. Growing Pains ended with Maggie getting a tight reporting job in Washington, they move out of the house. Ending. Want more? Mr. Belvedere ended with Mr. Belvedere leaving... you get it.

4) We invested so much in getting to know these characters. They were given too much depth. This is what made this show one of, if not the greatest program ever. That's why I think it's a cop out not to have a resolution of any sort. We deserve to know where they go from here. I refuse to accept that the 86 episodes I watched (yes, all 86) were nothing more than 86 separate 'day in the life of' these people and now my window is closed and I'm left to guess. I watched all the threads not get tied up, all the loose ends go unresolved, and all the non sequitor episodes with the promise that it would end. I defended all these episodes and decisions as part of what made the show so great; the plot points were no where near as important as what they told us about these characters. I feel cheated.

5) Bottom line, Tony should have finished the meal with his family, they should have all gone to their separate cars, Tony should have come out last with a bit of a smile on his face and gotten capped in the back of the head. Then the screen goes black. We only see the gun, but not the shooter. Fulfilling the promise that you never know and it can be over in an instant.

Everyone has high expectations for a series finale, especially a popular one. I think it's a delicate balance between your own vision and giving the fans some satisfaction. The scales were not balanced.

Indy 500

2007-06-10T17:36:00.000-04:00

Whatup peoples?

Internets have been hard to come by. I'm in Indianapolis for the last night of a week of shows here. I've been at Morty's Comedy Joint in Indy. Great club, superbly run, and a lot of fun. They do an awesome job of taking care of the comics and run a club the right way. Really cool an encouraging that clubs like this are out there. Shows have all been a lot of fun.

I was on the Bob and Tom radio show on Friday morning. Basically, these guys dominant every 'non major' market around the country. In other words, they are the morning show everywhere that is not New York, DC, Chicago, LA, Tampa, Dallas, Philly, Seattle, San Fran and so forth. Really kickass opportunity for this guy and it was a lot of fun. I was in studio for close to 2 hours. Those guys are awesome. They are funny on their own and they let the comics they have be funny. I hope to get some clips from the show and I'll put them on my 'website' on the 'internet'.

Speaking of my website, I met with internet.org guru Andy Lopresto this past week and we did some work on my site. It's looking good and will soon complete my dominance to the top of internetdom.

Most people already know this, but here is the official announcement...although no one really cares but whatever, screw it.

I am moving to New York at the end of this month. I will be living with my special lady friend and my boy, filthy Hutto, in an apartment on the lower east side of Manhattan. The neighborhood is the tightness. I am going to miss DC a ton and I'll miss all my peeps here even more. You all have a futon to snuggle upon anytime in the windy candy apple.

Dave Attell

2007-06-01T16:59:00.000-04:00

Dave Attell stopped by the Improv last night. He did 50 minutes after headliner DC Benny. The crowd was pretty tired by the end of it but there is no denying how good Dave Attell is. Really good. He is so crisp and he gets away with so much because of how good he is. Every other word is funny. Incredible comic.

Everyone is talking about Lebron James dropping 48 points last night. They are talking as though this is his ascension into some uber pantheon and he finally earned all the superlatives that have been bestowed upon him. He had a great game. I think that's where it needs to stop. Vince Carter dropped 50 in a playoff game a few years ago and Allen Iverson has scored more than 50 on a few occasions...I don't remember either of them being anointed the 'king' or having arrived as the 2nd coming of MJ (Carter received some of it because of the UNC similiarity the first couple years of his career but not because he dropped 50 in a game 3 against the 76ers). We need to get over ourselves and calm down a little bit.

I don't know that there are any more talented players in the league or even in the history of the league. The dude cruises to 26 7 and 7 every night. Maybe he's holding out for if/when he gets to play with decent players or for when he leaves Cleveland to play with decent players. Who knows. Maybe he's on cruise control so he can have a longer career. I've heard this a few times. Think about MJ. He literally killed himself to win. Going against the pistons/knicks/pacers etc. Maybe MJ lost a couple seasons. At any rate, Lebron is just a talented player who had a big game 5. Let's relax.

Improv-ing

2007-05-30T12:34:00.000-04:00

I'll be at the DC Improv tonight doing some actual improv-ing. It should be fun because improv is fun and fun things are fun.

I went to my good buddy's wedding this past weekend in Memphis. Amazing time and a stunningly beautiful occasion. I mentioned to my colleagues to remember the whole thing and just imagine they were there during my wedding which will likely take place in a high school gymnasium with the spirit squad and 2 members of the high school band as the entertainment...

My final piece of business, is Alex Rodriguez. The dude cheats on his wife. This is no surprise. He probably, as many big leaguers do, has 'road beef' in every city. This is also no surprise. What is a surprise is that he would get caught now, when the jankees are getting their teeth kicked in. Here is an article on how not to cheat...idiot:

http://www.abcnews.go.com/Sports/story?id=3225649&page=1

Home

2007-05-24T12:39:00.001-04:00

It's been many moons since my last bloggersons. I'm back from Canadia. I had the most amazing time up there and I feel as though I've grown a lot. This includes the several pounds I put on eating terrible food and not doing anything for 6 weeks.

It's been good to be home seeing all the people and whatnots. I haven't seen a lot of people that I want to see yet and I blame those people in part because they are the people that are hardest to track down in terms of trackable peoples from peopletown. This is a long way of saying that I miss Jon Mumma.

I'm headed to Memphis this weekend for a good friend's wedding. It's going to be sweaty. I will also eat barbeque. I am obsessed with good bbq and I was thoroughly pleased with my 1 trip to Memphis several years ago. I used lots of wet naps. I cannot tell you how much I love wet naps.

More updates to come.

The Final Vlogdown

2007-05-13T15:17:00.000-04:00

I'm on my way home now. I had a fantastic trip. The Vancouver Club is just amazing. Here is my final vlog:

Next stop, USA. Word.

Hotel Shabingus Part 2

2007-05-09T17:06:00.000-04:00

I fully realize my last Vlog wasn't the most exciting thing I've ever produced. If you didn't like it...then you didn't like it. It had its moments I thought.

I am once again, without a hotel room. I am stone cold chilling in the lobby of the now documented, Blackfoot Inn in Calgary. I fly to Vancouver tomorrow. I am not sure where I'm staying once I get there...I should probably figure that out. This is the last weekend of my trip. I'm excited to finish it both because I'm ready to come home and because this is supposed to be the best weekend on the trip.

I don't have anything else interesting to say.

Vlog the 5th

2007-05-08T01:37:00.000-04:00

Video documentary #5, my home base in Calgary:

Word.

Special Day

2007-05-04T19:37:00.000-04:00

Today is my special lady friend's birthday. Happy birthday Babes.

Episode 23

2007-05-01T02:33:00.000-04:00

People, the 23rd Episode of Buddy Jackson is explosive. Hard to throw enough adjectives at how good this episode really is. Watch it...do it now.

www.buddyjackson.com

Edmonton Video Blog

2007-04-30T03:43:00.000-04:00

Here it is. Enjoy...or tolerate at least:

Cannot say enough about how well the Edmonton Club is run. Holler

Edmonton Eh...

2007-04-29T03:10:00.000-04:00

Just finished a weekend of shows in Edmonton. I had an awesome time. The club is incredible and the staff was great. Really professional and friendly. Many thanks to Cody and everyone else for an incredible weekend.

The club holds around 375 people and the audiences were really into the show. This is one of those venues where traveling isn't a big deal because the experience is more than worthwhile.

Video blog #4 coming soon.

The Hotel Shabingus

2007-04-25T18:17:00.000-04:00

Sometimes comedy sucks. Sometimes it has nothing to do with being on stage, a booking, or even anything to do with performing. Sometimes, it can be something that you have no control over but it can leave you sitting in a hotel lobby with no room and the prospect of taking a $30 cab ride to the other side of town to shell out $150 to stay in a different hotel and then another $40 cab ride to get to the bus station tomorrow morning. Long story short, the hotel that has been my unofficial home away from home, is full this week and they literally don't have any rooms available. So, along with a couple other comics, we're getting kicked out.

No one is at fault here. The Yuk Yuk's folks were kind enough to make a reservation for me at the other hotel. I'm just not stoked about dropping $200 over the next 24 hours. I'm making moves to try and get out of this. A couple of awkward phone calls are in my future...I know you don't know me...but I was hoping that maybe...it would be cool if I slept on your floor...

This is my favorite youtube video of all times. I'm bringing it back. I want you to hear the angst of these guys...I want you to feel the upset...I also want you to imagine what numbers 'Abdul' is crunching...

Video Blog 3: Return of the Revenge of the Return

2007-04-23T22:33:00.000-04:00

Hey dudes and non dudes. I'm chilling at the hotel in Calgary until Thursday of this week at which time, I travel to Edmonton. Pretty slow goings in and around the hotel. I found a grocery store that is a substantial walk from the hotel. I bought some snack type foods and even some produce. Those that know me, know full well that going grocery shopping is not something I do. This is a big deal people.

Here's the video blogersons:

In it, I refer to Justin Schlegel as a 'pussy'. Justin is not a pussy. He likes the same stuff I do which makes him a dork...but definitely not a pussy. Ok then.

Snow

2007-04-19T20:23:00.000-04:00

It's snowing right now in Calgary. Come on C town, I thought you and me were past this. Seriously bruh. The problem I usually have with weather is that I have a 2 day weather adjustment period. This means that I dress based on what the weather was like 2 days ago. I have no idea why this is but I also know that I cannot fix it. It was around 60 2 days ago in C-gary which meant that your humorist was exceptionally comfortable.

Today, it's about 30, windy and snowy. Cripes.

The last couple nights I've emceed the shows at the Calgary Yuk Yuk's. I might be the best MC in the world. It's what I do. Hokey, cheesy humor, easy applause breaks to get the crowd going ('who's drinking tonight?', 'give it up for the troops', 'how about the (local sports team)?') I hate myself. Look out, I might do the Raptor!

Tomorrow I'm driving to a place called Cranbrook. Every comic I've talked to has pretty much told me that this is an ungood place and the shows tend to honk. I'm actually really excited about this challenge. I need a little bit of a comfort shock. I want to see what I can do.

I have one final story. This feels more like a Jon Mumma story but it happened to me. I went down to the meager fitness center this afternoon. I was in there riding on the bike for about 30 minutes. This complete chooch comes in to work out on the one nautilus machine in the room. It's one of those, 3 in 1 things. You can bench, do pull downs, or rows. That's it. This dude puts the weight at 60 (funnydanny notation, I'm not judging re how much weight someone does. I'm not in my prime...when I was I put up 320 but that's not the point, the point is, do what you do...). He gets under there, with his earbuds in for his iPod...and starts grunting and puffing like he's on the world's strongest man. He fires off 5 reps, and jumps up (about 2 feet from where I am bike riding) and pounds his chest and jumps around like he is about to max out. He stretches out and does that loud breathe out thing where your teeth are closed like you're trying to act serious but no one takes you seriously because you have a bowl cut that your mom gave you where she actually used a bowl.

Anyway, this plumber does this a couple more times. I am torn between amusement and discomfort. I finally exit the room as this guy gets set to do 50 pounds on the rows...I hear him exclaim as I was shutting the door: 'get some!'....unreal. I went upstairs and told the yuk yuk's staff and they all took turns looking at the guy through the window. It was amazing.

Hope you all are doing great. Funny Danny out.

Canada Blog Part 2

2007-04-16T17:51:00.000-04:00

This is the 2nd installment of the Canada Tour Blog. I'm having an amazing time up here. I feel like I'm learning a lot about myself. I miss home (hi Babes) and I can't wait to come back. It was awesome having my boy Justin Schlegel up here with me for a week. Anyway, enjoy:

Kelowna is one of the most beautiful places I have ever visited.

Paris
French Alps
Kelowna
Barcelona
Cleveland

in that order...