New Years

I have had one great New Years Eve in my whole life: the 1999/2000 nye where my buddy Jon and me wished everyone a 'happy Armageddon' and I made drunken kissy with several girls and a couple of dudes and one who could have gone either way. Other than that, nothing but fairly disappointing ventures where I and a few friends drop a lot of money, have huge expectations, and go to some bar/club with lots of strangers all in search of some sort of magical time that never comes and I go home by myself swearing that I will never do something like that again.

It begins when the calendar turns to December. The questions: "What are you doing for New Years?", "Are you doing anything for New Years?", "Any plans for New Years?", "Who is this? Stop calling me. I can hear you breathing." Totally annoying. You know what its like? Prom. New Years is like prom for people in their early-mid 20s. Huge expectations, disappointments, high expense, and hanging out with people that you don't really want to see. I am totally beat on doing some big production for new years. Its just another night out as far as I'm concerned. If its an excuse to hang out with a bunch of my friends, hurray for that but I refuse to do the prom thing anymore.

Congrats to my boys Justin Schlegel and Jon Mumma who torched the Comedy Factory last night for a sold out show. It will also be off the set of chains tonight. www.baltimorecomedy.com

Happy New Year everybody. I would never hang out in 2005.

Walking Pace

Before I begin, everyone who has a sense of humor should go this site and experience the joy of Family Guy quotations. Easily the funniest show created by humans and everyone who doesn't like it is wrong and should be hurried to middle America and dropped off in a corn field at night which is incidentally terrifying if you've never done it. Here is the site: http://www.familyguyquotes.com/

I get irritated at a lot of things in my life as do most people I suspect. There is one thing that gets to me pretty good: Slow Walkers. Nothing is more annoying than being behind one of those really slow paced walking people that walk in the middle of the hall so you can't go around them and you are doing a bob and weave behind them to keep from stepping on their heels. These are the same morons who are always complaining that 'everyone is always in such a hurry'. Of course we are you useless air breather, we have sh*t to do so that we can relax later. You are choosing to relax now. Fine. Go with that, just do it on the f*cking right side of the hallway so I can get around.

These are the same people that get to the front of the line at a fast food place and have no idea what they want yet. "So what do you all have? A dollar menu? You mean it only costs a dollar? This puts a whole new element to the ordering process. You put that menu off to the side there...So now what comes in a combo? The drink is a medium well I only want a small can I just have that? OK well give me the fries and a small drink... How can that be more expensive? I guess just give me the medium then. $5.43? I think I have 43 cents hold on...nope I don't...oh wait...no its a Canadian nickel...Where did I get that?"

I have said it before, but I wish I had blow darts and a blow dart shooting device for times like those.

Go to the Baltimore Comedy Factory tonight and tomorrow night. My boys Justin Schlegel (headlining) and Jon Mumma (featuring) are going to scald the mic and leave craters where there jokes crushed. www.baltimorecomedy.com

Christmas for Grown-Ups Suck

I realized something this Christmas. Being an adult at Christmas is no fun. You have to buy gifts for a lot of people who are always difficult to shop for or you have to buy things that you think are ridiculous just because your kid asked for it even though you know full well that the kid won't be playing with the toy within two weeks. What's worse are the gifts you receive. You ask for things you need instead of things that are cool. When you open up the package and see the exact rug you asked for and told your sister to get for you online, you are forced to make the same awkward joke of: "how did you know?...see, I told her what to get and then she got it for me...so I really knew all along that I was going to get it...but its funny to act like I didn't know..."

So, mom and dad, I'm really sorry for every Christmas since 1980. I figure my first Christmas in '79 I was still new enough that the 'new baby glow' hadn't worn off yet and it was still cool but after that, I gotta believe they stopped being fun and became chores. As Lois Griffin said on Family Guy: "You think Christmas just happens? You think all this holiday cheer just falls out of my butt?" Well it doesn't, it takes grown-ups being miserable for the hollidays to work. I am a grown-up now. I realized it yesterday when I opened my presents. I got exactly what I needed but was not tempted to call my friends and compare notes as to who got the most/coolest video games and other toys.

I got a slingshot and 6 nintendo games one year. Are you f*cking kidding? How do you top that? Play nintendo, go raise havoc with slingshot, run and hide, circle back inside and play more nintendo, receive envy of peers both for cool gifts but also nintendo prowess, have neighborhood kids submit you to Nintendo Power as a "Power Player" and have name appear in the January '89 issue, try to brag about it at school but have no one listen because no one really liked you then, get rid of bowl cut for flat-top, continue to not receive acceptance from peers at school, play lots of sports as a kid and become known as having a poor attitude, go onto play baseball in college and hit on dozens of rich girls and not figure out the special formula for taking them down, get a job at your high school in the alumni relations office and coach kids, become an average standup comic who many think is hacky because of your reliance on cute little voices, get a blog and share details of your life that should be kept secret and irritate people both in the comedy world and friends of yours, leave job at high school to take a new job that affords more opportunity to pursue comedy through good friend who is also a comedian but that you never see anymore because he moved to Alexandria and left your office and the only time you hang out is when you go relieve him so he can go to lunch, receive works shirts and socks for Christmas, begin reminiscing over the joy of youth and reality of adulthood, blog about said topic.

I said "Merry Christmas" to a Jewish person yesterday. They go: "Ummm, I'm a Jew." I said, "I know. But I can still say that right? Even if you don't celebrate it, its still what day it is and I want you to have a merry one. Its like you telling me: "Happy Arbor Day". I don't celebrate it, but its nice to hear..."

They go: "Whatever."

Myspace

I was/am very reluctant to get into the myspace phenomenon. It seemed to me to be an outlet for any toolbelt to get a website. I still think that. I had to sign up for a myspace account so I could view some of these web pages and I've received a few of these 'become my myspace friend' invites. It wasn't too long ago that there was a stigma attached to being 'internet friends' with someone but it seems that this is being replaced with, 'internet friends are generally acceptable and its a great way to chat with people." There are some comics that I really like who use it as well as my good buddies in the rock band Vaeda http://www.myspace.com/vaeda

You know what else is a great way to chat? phones. You know what else? email. If I have your contact info, it means I want to contact you. There are maybe a small handful of people where at any given time I have said, 'I wish I could contact this person but I can't'. I am willing to trade that for the bombardment people seem to get from myspace/friendster etc. Some might say I am stubborn for not embracing the new technologies and they would be right. Some would say that I don't really know what I'm talking about and they too would be right. Others would thank me and say that these little 'do it easy' web pages should be left to college students for when they get bored with facebook.com. Still others would embrace myspace as a means to market oneself in the world of comedy and put aside his silly impressions of a useful tool. Not me. That's how I roll.

I hate that I can get comfortable using a modicum of technology only to have it replaced by another that I don't consider to be more functional. A great case and point are google or yahoo groups. My boys and I have a list serve where we banter and exchange humor. We were forced to move to one of these groups by the technology nazis in our midst and the functionality of the 'individual reply' was no more. There were these complaints and claims of 'deleting emails' and the like but they are bogus. If you have gmail, whether you use a group or not, a reply to the same message is still in one conversation so there are no extra messages to delete. The group benefits the 2 guys that can do some other kind of sh*t that the rest of us are clueless about and the peons are left to complain and wonder what was wrong with actually seeing who you are sending a message to instead of some group. It is harder to maintain contact lists because of these groups. Don't email me individually, use the group so everyone can see it.

This post was unhumorous. Happy Holidizzles to all.

We Need to Have a Talk About Your TPS Reports

What is more depressing than being in your office when everyone else is on vacation? Besides being in Russia during the mid afternoon when everything is gray and you remember that the KGB can see you right now...

Have you ever met a girl that seems pretty great and then met someone she has dated and been so shocked that you think about taking your eyes out and holding them in front of you so you can see the disbelief on your own face? Happened to me recently.

I met a really cute, fun, and sweet girl who has gotten glowing recommendations from trusted sources. She seems great. Subsequently I met an X/currently awkward/so what are we right now? dude. Stunning.

Here is the breakdown:

3 types of dudes:

Regular dudes: nothing wrong with these guys. They are fine. Nice guys that go to work and maybe have a couple of extra curriculars. They go out on weekends and they do what they are supposed to do. Girls often seem drawn to these guys (especially southern girls) which is fine but they are just OK. Nothing wrong with them but not special enough to leave a mark when they go.

Tight dudes: this type of dude brings something extra to the table. has all the good qualities of the regular dudes plus something extra. The kind of guy that you can know for years and still find out interesting stuff about. Always smart, funny, and he enriches the lives of the people he meets. He is outside the box but can walk inside when he feels like it. Quality girls are drawn to these dudes but the regular to subpar honies always miss it.

Poo-Eaters: The worst. Devoid of good qualities. Can be socially inept, awkward, painful to be around, cruel, think they are more important than they are or any combination from above. They are the type of dude that when that guy leaves the room everyone immediately says things like: "Are you f*cking kidding me?", "Is he serious?", "Oh my God", and so forth. Terrible dudes not only don't bring anything of value to the table, but they take away. They are sponges, fun-suckers, and mirth-takers. They never seem to get it. They'll insult you before they know you and think its funny.

Well folks, the 'boyfriend' was one of this last group. Upsetting.

Ladies, funnydanny puts out the call to you. Do not let your friends continue to make excuses for a terrible dude's behavior anymore. She must leave him. Leave him while there is still time. Read these testimonials if you don't believe me"

S.J. from North Carolina writes: "Roos, my old bf made everyone feel weird but my new bf is a tight dude. Thanks!"

S.T. from Atlanta writes: "My old bf was OK I guess, but he's nothing compared with the super tight dude I have now! Thanks FunnyDanny!"

L.J. from DC writes: 'Leave me alone. Stop writing me. I will call the police."

I beg you ladies, if you need help evaluating a dude, any of our professionally trained funnydanny staff is available on call. My colleagues and I are ready to rate your dude as we have only tight dudes on the payroll.

Things That Are Mint

Here is a list of things that are awesome that I decided to compile today. No particular order here; just great stuff. Happy holidays everybody except for the people that get pissed off about using certain words during the holidays because it misses the entire point of the holidays you self-righteous idiots. Merry Christmas to those people with a nativity scene in your mouthpiece.

The List:

-The first time you ride a bike on your own and think: "I don't need my parents anymore"
-Learning the rules of blackjack and knowing what to do in each circumstance
-Getting your first car and thinking "I don't need my parents anymore"
-Being in high school and having a girl from another school believe everything you tell her about how awesome you are
-The sensation you get when you take the best attempt by a pitcher to get you out and hit a home run. Every person should experience this at least once.
-Having your back scratched by a girl (Not in the 'drawing blood' way)
-Watching your favorite football team on Sunday with your boys
-Making fun of what your buddy did the night before during the commercials
-Lucky Charms
-People who can quote lines from the Big Lebowski
-Chipotle burritos
-Moving back into your parents' house and realizing "thank God for my parents"
-Being the reason people are laughing with you and accepting it when they are laughing at you
-The fact that we have the best computer nerds in the world and they are the reason you can find anything on the internet.com
-Hot streaks
-Farting in public. I don't care who you are, its always funny.
-ESPN
-Girls wearing sundresses
-People Watching at a bar
-Family Guy
-That one friend that everyone has that miss-uses words all the time but gets away with it because he sounds so sure
-Getting drunk and feeling invincible
-Getting drunk and feeling invisible
-When the girl you like calls you back
-Getting over it when she doesn't
-Star Wars
-The satisfaction you get when someone you don't like gets called out for lying in front of a bunch of people
-Receiving compliments about your talent
-Shrimp and Cocktail Sauce
-Being the expert in the room
-Winning an argument
-Wes Anderson movies and people that get them.
-Everyone having different versions of the same story
-Repeat customers
-Madden Football
-Rednecks with racing stripes and ridiculous base on their cars that are suped up to sound like airplanes taking off. Free Comedy
-Toasted Everything Bagels
-1980s music
-being known as a great dancer
-Having a place to stay in any city you might want to venture to because your boys are awesome
-Getting mugged, robbed, and pink eye in the same city and then returning because you aren't afraid anymore
-writing jokes and telling your comedy friends and having them tell you that they like it
-Doug Powell, Rory Scovel, Jon Mumma, Justin Schlegel, Frank Hong, and Ryan Conner. I'm telling you, there is something so huge coming out of DC.
-New bait and getting digits
-Nintendo
-Boba Fett
-The Lord of the Rings
-Old School Rap
-The girl with the amazing eyes that smiles
-Knowing that the guest room at your friends' place is open for you
-Couples that you root for
- 6-4-3
-Highlights of Magic Johnson running the break
-Watching people watch Larry Poon
-Making fun of southern girls with too many first names
-Michael Jordan
-People going to your site
-coaching a kid and the look on his face when it clicks
-Knowing that what you want to do for the rest of your life is to bring people joy
-All the people that support me and who are there for me no matter what.

Thanks everybody and have a great holiday.

Richmond in the Heezy

I had a lot of fun in Richmond last night. Thanks to the great crowd that came out and thanks to Ray for the spot. Also, big thank you to my boy Tom who traveled from Fairfax to see the show and brought 'mad peeps' as they say on the streets of Richmond.

Warning, this next part is not funny:

I have learned a lesson through blogging and posting things on the internet. Sometimes, even if its not your intent, you can tick people off and make them upset. I need to be more careful with what I post as its hard to convey tone when someone else is reading and its also hard when you have to be purposely vague so that someone doesn't think something negative is written about them. My bad ET.

End unfunny portion.


I love the holiday season for several reasons:

1) Christmas Carols
2) Christmas
3) Festive Decorations
4) Giving/receiving gifts

I hate the holiday season for one reason:

-Evite responses that use the words: "I'll be there with bells on". I hate this. Don't do it. Its not funny and everyone says it and thinks its funny. Don't be unoriginal. You are a hacky evite responder if you say it. I get the idea that you will be there and you plan on being festive. If you need an idea, email me through my website and I will provide you with one free of charge to purge this world of 'be there with bells on' responses. We can do better people. Strive to achieve.

Mirth

35-7. Redskins defeat cowboys. I was in attendance at FedEx Field on Sunday as 93,000 + chanted: "We Want Dallas!" We got Dallas and whooped their asses in a way that I have not seen since I was a child and we had a parade that celebrated the Super Bowl. I have been very clear since that time that I want another parade as I recall the one from my childhood to be the most mirthful occurrence of my life.

The place was so loud on Sunday it was ridiculous. I've never heard it like that before. Truly great experience. I shamed every Dallas fan within earshot and many left in the middle of the 3rd quarter. This brings me to my next point:

The Redskins/cowboys rivalry is one of the biggest in sports. The old Redskins and cowboys hate each other. If you are a Redskins fan, why on earth would you ever allow a ticket to go to a cowboys fan? There are always so many cowboys fans at this game and it boggles my mind that any person who would go through the process of getting tickets, which would leave one to believe that they are a fan of the team and are concerned with its well-being. If you care about the Redskins at all, then you hate the cowboys. That's it. I don't care who it is, you say 'no'. Any other game is fine to bring the guy to, but not this one. It insults the rest of us.

The upside is that we can yell 'Dallas sucks!' really loudly in their faces and they have to take it as their listless team got mooshed. I love the idea that cowboys fans paid to see that.

Note: every time Dallas scores, approximately 1800 children are sexually abused in America. Dallas has scored 49 times this season by touchdown and field goal and about 88,000 cases of sexual abuses are substantiated every year. This is a pretty simple formula.

Go to hell cowboys. Everyone else, please enjoy the mirth.

Tonight, I'm headlining a show at Easy Street Sports Bar in Richmond. Here's the website: http://www.955comedy.com/

Here's the address:
2401 W. Main St.Richmond, VA 23220

Here's a funny word: fard (to paint one's face)

Parties and Etiquette When You Don't Want to See Someone

2nd time this has happened where I have constructed a brilliant blog and it has not been posted. Frustrated like a dizzy blind man...

Here's the basic jist (is there ever a complicated jist? seems to me that's redundant):

I'm going to a couple of huge holiday parties this weekend due to my popularity. At one of these functions, the person that has quickly become my nemesis will be in attendance. Nemsis is the negative to my positive, the unholy to my holy, the person that I would least like to see when I leave the house and I'm sure nemesis feels the same. If you are reading and you think it might be you, fear not as nemesis would never view this space.

So, what does one do?

A) do not attend the party where you know nemesis will be. -Unnacceptable because nemesis wins

B) Attend the party and actively ignore nemesis. -Also unacceptable because it still shows that nemesis has an impact and one must expend loads of energy and effort for a minimal return which leads to another nemesis victory.

C) Attend the party, greet nemesis, exchange forced pleasantries and move on. Many would choose this option. One might be wary of the fact that one might die inside at such an interaction denying one's natural tendency to punch nemesis in the nose and shout obsceneties until one gets kicked out of the party and then goes to nemesis' house and lights a bag of dog poo on fire and watches nemesis stamp it out. To quote my friend Ryan: 'Its not that I hate you, its that I hate the fact that you exist'.

What should one do? I am hoping for the scene from Back to the Future where I trip nemesis and nemesis falls, gets up and gets in my face. I go: "nemesis, what the hell is that?" Then I punch nemesis in the face and throw a could shoulder into nemesis' boys (who are all f*cking terrible by the way) and run out of the place. I steal a kid's skateboard and ride around the area holding onto a car. All onlookers immediately suspend disbelief. Nemesis quickly rallies, chases me, and I elude the pursuers and they all end up in manure. Then I go back into the bar to thunderous applause and go behind the bar and re-enact the scene from Cocktails with Rory where we do poetry about booze and everyone loves it and then 'Highway to the Danger Zone' starts playing as I win the All Valley karate Tournament beating Johnny Lawrence of the Cobra Kai and I leave to go to St. Elmo's Fire's Breakfast Club's All the Right Moves' house.

My New Thing

I lead the league in unintentional joke stealing. Apparently, I have been doing a David Cross (http://www.bobanddavid.com/) joke for a while and not knowing it. Its not exactly the same but I was told that the premises are pretty much identical. I am going to listen to the joke and decide whether or not I should just throw mine away or change it so its different enough. While it sucks that I may have to get rid of a joke, its pretty cool that I had the same idea as one of the most clever comedians in the world. The guy is hilarious and was responsible for one of the greatest sketch comedy shows of all time (Mr. Show).

My friend was telling me that he had some email exchange with a girl he had met. He invited her to something. It turned out that she couldn't go but responded with an email that really made it seem like she wanted to go but couldn't and that there would be future interactions. He emailed her saying no big deal that she couldn't make it and that they would talk soon. No response. He waited a week and invited her and anyone she wanted to bring to a party this weekend. Nothing.

There are any of a million possibilities of what happened here but I only have one opinion to share on the subject and that is this: Email him back. You can tell him you're busy, you can tell him that you're dating someone, you can tell him anything you want because you, and anyone else, is impersonal over email. No one can see your face. Just type it out. Seriously. Watch this:

"Sorry, sounds like fun but I can't make it. Take Care"

Obviously, she doesn't want to hang out again. No big deal, my boy will move on. This email silence? Unacceptable in today's world.

A lot of girls wonder why a guy gets her number and then doesn't call. This is one of the huge reasons. They are afraid of something like this happening. No one likes to be told no but being completely blown off is just annoying. Why give out the contact info if you really didn't want to be contacted? I know that sometimes it can be more awkward if she says no to giving out the digits which is why my man went for email. In the world of today, people need to be able to respond to emails promptly. This email embargo is just silly. If she is reading, and she could very well be, email the guy. Make up some BS about how 'crazy its been at work' and send something out. Get it done.

Next topic: If any of my readers are politically charged, read this: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/12/14/AR2005121401933.html

Its an opinion piece by George Will. He's a conservative and while I don't hold to a lot of his viewpoints, I couldn't agree more with what he writes here. We have a chance to find and produce almost the exact amount of oil that we import from Saudi Arabia domestically. Anything we can do to get ourselves out of the Middle East is huge for us. One of the reasons we are hated over there is that we are viewed as someone who strips the land of its resources and reward the people with nothing but continued struggles by giving money to the already extremely wealthy. This, above all else should motivate the US to come up with alternative fuels and in the meantime, our own fossil fuels. Drilling in ANWR isn't enough to heat the nation, but its billions of $$ less going to Saudi Arabia from the US and its one less piece of leverage for OPEC to barter with.

I just realized that this wasn't funny. Farty fart fart giggly toodlepoo. That's better.

Nice look

The Pony Tail: for girls, a way to say that she didn't have enough time to spend on her hair. For dudes, a way to say that they are terrible and shouldn't be talked to by anyone because they are going to go ride their moped.

I just rode the elevator with a pony tail guy. If he wasn't some sort of computer tech guy, then he is training to be one. I just cannot imagine the thought process:

"You know what I am missing? A pony tail that's what."

"Hey, I look good now, but I could really look like A) a greasy latino gangster poorly portrayed in a movie B) a stereotypical Hollywood yuppie that visits a small town in a bad movie or C) a Dungeons and Dragons grand master who lives above a comic book store. All I have to do is grow my hair out really long and then tie it into a pony tail."

A conscious decision has to be made to grow one's hair out that long and then make it into a pony tail. My boy Ryan Conner crusades against the fannypack: http://www.ryanconnercomedy.com/blogger.html
but I think this is much worse. At least you can carry stuff in your fanny pack whereas the majority of ponytails cannot support much weight at all.

Men with pony tails should have to marry women with boy haircuts so they even out. Dudes have short hair, girls have long hair. Stop rocking the boat people.

Bupkas

I am going to apologize in advance. I have nothing to write about today. I wanted to write about not having anything to write about but thought that would be too hacky (not as hacky as my Walken, Shwarzeneggar, Bush voices but up there). I decided I would write about the reasons I wish I had the force but then I thought that people would be annoyed because they don't like star wars but then I thought that I wouldn't want to be friends with that person anyway because how could you trust someone that doesn't like star wars?

Here is what I thought of:

I have this problem too so I'm not above it but, I hate reading comedians' bios and reading who they performed with. Its like, "I'm going to drop 4 names and by association, I must be good." This proves nothing to me. I performed with Alan Havey, who is hilarious, he doesn't remember me from a total stranger that goes: "Hey, You're Alan Havey, the guy that performed after Danny Rouhier at the DC Improv".

I don't know what to do about it because it seems to be the standard but I want to develop a system where dudes that suck at comedy don't get to name drop and they just have to drop the names of other sh*tty comics and then they will fall into the earth and be reborn as grass and all will tread upon them as punishment for wasting people's time with jokes about bad credit and weed.

Next person who says "Targe-eh" to me instead of 'Target' is getting punched in the ear.

I will do better tommorow I promise.

Sweetness and Why UHAUL Is Not Sweet

Next week, I'm headlining a show in Richmond at the Easy Street Bar and Grill. Here's the website for more info: http://www.955comedy.com/

If you are in Richmond or have peeps down there, inform them of this and attend the show.

More news:


I have been updating my website pretty regularly so there are a few new things to check out. I will wait for the applause to die down. New photos, new attitude, new hotness. www.funnydanny.com. Click, observe, repeat.

My moving experience has taught me a few things:
1) Girls can be as disgusting as dudes. My roommate and I have cleaned up after the two girls who's apartment we moved into for a couple of weeks now. Abominable. They lived in squalor. I don't know exactly what that means but I know its gross. Nothing worse than long multi-colored hairs everywhere that reflect a schotty dye job and poor taste along with the build-up of moldy filth in prominent places. We cleaned and it still looked dirty. So we painted and now it looks OK.

2) UHAUL is the worst company in the history of capitalism. I went to pick up a moving truck yesterday and they didn't have the reservation the guy behind the counter was the most salty, apathetic idiot ever. It was like getting a cat from a tree with a flamethrower trying to get this bastard to lift a finger. He even admitted that UHAUL is the worst company in the world and that he was tired of being 'cussed at all day'. Advice: get a new job. There has to be a market for someone with your training. Become a bathroom attendant at a club (see previous post)...
They didn't have my reservation but 10 to 1 I still get billed. They capitalize on the fact that you don't move all the time and that you'll recognize the name. They continue to get business despite being the most poorly run outfit in America. Look it up, they suck.

3) I rank moving just ahead of 'major surgery' for things that I would least like to go through. Why is it so painful? Why is it always so horrible? Why can't girls who used to live in my new apartment clean up after themselves and take all of their stuff with them when they go? I am bitter about this people.


There will be more funny stuff later this week.

Accidents

I almost got into an accident this morning. I was going up a hill and was having trouble because it hadn't been plowed. A huge truck (which may have been salting/sanding) is coming down the hill at me and A) doesn't look like it can stop and B) there is not enough room for both of us on the road. I swerved over to the side and ended up stuck in an 'icy crevasse'. It took me 40 minutes to walk back to my house, round up some neighbors, come back to the car, push it onto the road, reverse back down the hill, get lectured by my mother about how to go over hills in the snow, thank everyone, and get on my way to work. My new goal in life is to be important enough so that when I utter the phrase: 'working from home' people don't burst out laughing assuming that means sleeping until noon followed by 4 hours of Madden.

Speaking of Madden, I won my 4th straight Super Bowl in Franchise Mode last night. Really tough game against a well coached Tennessee team. They knew that my defensive weakness is stopping jumbo offensive sets with multiple tight ends because it negates my edge rushers who set records for sacks this year. Going into the off-season, everything looked good. Well it wasn't. Shawn Springs, after dropping 2 full rating points upon turning 34, decided to hold out. Come on Shawn. Springs is a DC guy who I was going to keep through the end of the huge extension I signed him to. He was at least slated to stick around and mentor his replacement (a kid I drafted out of UCLA that was dynamite in the preseason) but this is how he wants to go out? He wouldn't budge and I couldn't afford to up his deal so I had to trade him and take a huge cap hit. Hope you're happy on a last place team now big guy.

If any of you have gotten this far, I am sorry. To make it up to you, here is a site that I have had more fun on over the past week than any other site in history except for the one site that I can't find anymore where the fat kid pretends to be a jedi and almost falls over a dozen times while swinging a pole around... http://www.4q.cc/t/

Go to it, make up facts, judge others, observe the top facts, chill, and serve.

Moving Sucks

I am moving into a new place in Glover Park which is good. The act of moving though, is like being punched at a high school party in front of a chick that you are trying to impress and then she hooks up with a senior because she is a social climbing slut.

The chicks that had the apartment before me didn't get along. One told the other she was moving out 1 week before the date. Awkward. The apartment is a complete mess. It looks like they were playing roller dirby around the rooms as there are skid marks on the walls. The rest of the place is filthy as well. This is not the worst of it. The one girl left her bed and giant, home-made wooden bed frame. I was really clear that I had no interest in these items being there but there they are. I called to ask what the deal was and finally talked to this girl's mom who starts into: "well, my daughter has final exams and she has just gotten sick and she's also got this art show coming up..." Basically, giving me this 'woe is me' routine as to why they can't deal with this egregious act of laziness.

Not my problem lady. Hey it sucks, but you know what else sucks? Me having to clean up the mess your irresponsible daughter made in the apartment when she was probably to busy getting mowed by a grad student to break out a f*cking vacuum. Excuses are like a$$holes, everyone has one and they all stink.

My roommate and I are going to pressure the property manager to use the girl's security deposit to hire a cleaning crew to deal with the mess they made. I cannot imagine a dude trying to pull this BS. This girl is trying to get away with the 'damsel in distress' act and its infuriating. Feminists, you want gender equity? Then make this helpless girl and all the rest like her out there run through a gauntlet of wooden paddles until they can learn some f*cking responsibility. I'll still hold the door open because I'm polite and I'll pay for dinner because I asked you out but I'm into treating people like equals. If you don't want to be treated like a barefoot, kitchen attendant that's waiting to have kids, take care of your business.

New York Welcomes Funny Danny

I rolled up to NYC this weekend for an annual holiday festivus of debauchery known as the Boondoggle. This party is always wondrous. 2 years ago, I threw up in a trash can. Tight.

I will post a few photos on the blog once I download them and there will be some pics on my site as well.

The party featured a 'top shelf open bar'. This is one of the things in my life that I pretend to be excited about as it sounds great but I really have no idea what this means. I understand the concept of the best booze being included but I have no idea what to get as I drink beer when I go to bars. I don't know the names of all the brands that are considered to be high level. I do know that Captain Morgan's cannot be good because I hate the commercials.

I took an informal poll as to what I should consume at this party. My boy Ben, who is a polished urban gentleman with strong metrosexual tendencies, recommended a 'Grey Goose and soda'. I tried one, decided I liked it, then had 50 of them. I was in the invincible drunk stage for the entire night. Amazing. I was terribly hungover in the morning but it dissipated rapidly as the day progressed. Perhaps this was due to the good booze? I will never know because there is no way I can afford to drink that stuff again.

There was much humor at this gathering. I would ask various people (only girls as I have no reason to talk to strange dudes with the exception of needing to disarm a dude that might be protecting a girl) if they would like to be in a photo for my website. All seemed very enthusiastic about doing this so many photos were taken. Many would ask what website and I would reply: "I can't tell you that".

It is not known how I got back to my buddy's apartment. When he returned, he found me snoring on the couch with the door to his apartment ajar and all the pizza in a 3 block radius eaten. Cannot tell you how I got there. I do know that I walked around in the snow as my coat and shoes were damp in the morning. Invincible.

Ewwwww

There was a good crowd at the Topaz Bar last night for the weekly open mic. I provided them with a fine sh*t burger for their trouble. I'm not sure when I lost them exactly, but I think it was in between my poorly constructed joke about NASCAR Lap counters and my joke about kidnapping and abusing a fat girl. These are usually winners...oh my God I need to quit doing comedy.

I am going to New York City this weekend. My boys Pat and Ben with some other dudes throw a filthy party ever year called the Boondoggle. Please note that this party is known for its filth.

If there are no good stories to tell, it will be because the audience didn't laugh at my joke about mix cassette tapes...

Dremos

The show at Dr. Dremos in Arlington (easily one of the if not the best open mic in the DC area) last night really stunk. I was ungood. The crowd was not into the show at all. This was made worse by a couple of the comics yelling at the crowd and some other comics stopping their sets and calling out people who were talking to pass the time while said comic was bombing.

This never helps win a crowd over and it certainly doesn't help the rest of the comics on the show. Recognize that the crowd is going to be tough and work hard to get something out of it. If you get laughs on a night like last night, you have something. Rory got up after me and killed with 2 new jokes which means those are viable, funny bits.

You can have fun with a crowd like that but don't start cursing at the audience when you're set isn't going great because you lose everyone and ruin the show for the next few comics.

I tried to give a new comic advice last night and it came out like an awkward pick-up attempt which threw her off and reaffirmed the fact that I am awkward around female comics and am also awkward around females.

Jeff Maurer should be a writer for a Late Night Talk Show. He has been doing comedy for like 25 minutes and he's already one of the best joke writers that lives.

What?

I was walking to get coffee just now and I saw a tow-truck guy (the male equivalent of a meter maid in my opinion) towing a car that was parked in a spot reserved for health club yuppies. He got the car up on the ramp but still couldn't move it. He goes into his truck, breaks out this device, walks back over to the car, uses the device to break into the car, puts it in neutral and takes off the parking break, and then he drives away with this smug look on his face that made me want to shoot out his tires with a blow dart and it also made me wish I had the ability to shoot blow darts.

What distresses me is that there is some device out there that lets people break into your car in under 8 seconds. That's all it took. Are these things only available to tow truck drivers? Do you have to present your 'I'm a vindictive, trashy, prick that thought high school was too hard so I pick on people that have better things to do than to follow me to the car lockup and wait for hours while their car is processed but you can avoid all that if you give me cash on the spot' ID?

As a point of clarification, I don't mean the kind of tow truck guys who help you when your car breaks down as they are doing a public service. I am referring to the moronic sh*t stains that patrol parking lots and take their jobs way too seriously. I don't know how you could sleep at night knowing that your very function in life makes people miserable. That would seem like a heavy burden to bear but these guys don't have any problems because their truck has a hemi and tons of towing capacity.

Does this piss anyone else off? Parking lots force people to either buy things from the establishment that owns the lot, get towed and want to murder infant animals, or move to a pay parking area that gauges for leaving your car in one place for more than an hour. This is one thing I have always believed in: parking should always be free. I got towed once from a McDonald's lot when I went to go see a movie. I used to go that McDonald's all the time. I will never go again. Was that worth it? Lose a lifetime of business so that you'd have 59 free spots instead of 58 and yes I f*cking counted.

Call me crazy, but I would want to encourage as many people as possible to come into my area if I were a business owner. I would want to make it as easy as possible for people to come to my place of business. I would be pissed if I found out that I was losing customers because some tow nazi got giddy and broke into a car of a paying customer and hauled his car off.

That's Cute

I had a really long and funny post that somehow got erased when I put it online. I got really pissed off just now.

The gist of it was that I hate going to clubs and dealing with the bathroom attendant guys. Do I really have to give this paroled ex-car thief $2 every time I take a piss? Thanks for the paper towels chief, I couldn't have dried my hands without you spotting me. I gave the dude some money the first time I went in but on my subsequent trips, did not throw him anything as I didn't have a ton of cash. He gave me that 'you muthaf*cka' look that thought black guys can give to intimidated white guys to intimidate them. The only white guys that aren't intimidated are those redneck/thuggish white dudes with thin-lined facial hair and sideways hats that leave the frecas in their mitsubishis with glowing lights and lots of base for their hip hop tracks.

I promise the first version of this was funny. It included a dog humping a grown man and laying seed on his sweatpants. I guess this version includes that now too. Well, the other one had other good stuff about how I love Star Wars more than anyone I know and I can't write a Star Wars joke but Rory Scovel has like 3. All my jokes are like "TK 421 why don't you copy? TK 421, why aren't you at your post?.......We've got a bad transmitter. I'll see what I can do."

Obey My Blog!

My boy Jon's new game is to call up chicks and have me do voices over the phone. To some, this would be degrading. Many would ask: "what am I, a puppet?" I do not ask this. I do it. That's how much I love attention and people appreciating my abilities. Danny Rouhier: noted mimic.

There was a girl named Lee there last night. She claimed that she could dunk a tennis ball. I claimed I would dunk on her face and yell outloud while I was dunking and she would ask: "why did you dunk it so hard in my face?" and I would answer: "I don't know Lee; that's just how I roll. I dunk it hard in people's faces." She was all-state in like 9 sports or something which is cool if you're into that sort of thing. Stupid athletes and their big words and smaller but also hard to pronounce words...

The holidays get kind of slow for shows or maybe they just get slow for me.

My favorite voice to do right now is Cleveland from Family Guy. It just flows very well for me and the phrases I can say in the voice are all fun. My second favorite thing is the Dave Chappelle voice where I yell the name "Dave Chappelle" repeatedly. Comic juggernaut T-Rexx once said of my Dave Chappelle: "That's the best damned Dave Chappelle I've ever heard in my life...And it came from a white guy..." I say this only to brag.

Would you rather be a janitor in a Russian high school or a moisture farmer on Tatooine? I say moisture farmer because someone might come to you and tell you that you have the force and I've always wanted to have the force and have even practiced like I had it. I still wave my hand at automatic doors as if I have the ability to open them. The peak of my force powers was when I lived with my boy Quinn. I would hold my hand out and reach for something so long that he would have no choice but to get up and get it for me. Perhaps it was the indirect force, but I didn't move and I got the object. Advantage Jedi Master Roos...that's what I would call myself.

Adams Morgan Filth

I went out with some honies and my boy Jon on Friday night. All the honies had boyfriends which is my new style...

The majority of the night was mirthful and not worth mention. What is worth mention is as follows:

On our way to get some late night pizza at Pizza Mart, we saw a spectacle. 2 white dudes and 2 latino dudes were sqauring off. The White Guy 1 (WG 1) and Latino Guy 1 (LG 1) were pushing and jawing and their boys were trying to separate them. WG 1 was doing the thing that a lot of white guys do when they get in this situation: they used phrases that they may have seen on BET, in an interview with a rapper, or in a movie where a minority gangster is portrayed:

WG 1 said things like: "yo, you ain't tryin' to see this" , "Step!", "Nah nah...it ain't even like that"

Really? Then tell me what it is like in Manassas you jackass.

LG 1 was no better. He was making the 'crazy, wide-eyed, the longer this goes on the more latino gangster I will become' face. He was doing that thing where he was sort of hopping aroung with his hands around his crotch repeating phrases over and over with increasingly high pitch as he went. He was completely unaware that he appeared foolish in the eyes of others.

A crowd began to gather the little dance. It looked like when those 2 dancers got together in the Michael Jackson 'Bad' video that aired after In Living Color on Fox but it lacked the snappy choreography.

LG 1 was holding a bottle of vodka that was 4/5 empty. I realized, after about 6 seconds that he was eventually going to throw this bottle at his opponent. I could tell by looking at the aforementioned face. Sure enough, after some more gesticulating and phrase repeating, LG 1 threw the bottle at WG 1. He missed by 5 feet and he was no more than 12 feet away. The bottle broke and some other Latinos were sprayed with glass shards. The fun was over as it now seemed someone would die soon and I swore to myself I would not be testifying at any mroe trials this year. As I walked past the other Latinos I said very loudly, "Are you guys OK, because that other guy threw a bottle?" Several onlookers laughed as it was very funny. Funnydanny.com bitches; next one ain't free.

Yadda yadda yadda I slept over at Jon's parents' house and we listened to Jerky Boys like we were in 7th grade. Friday nights in the city. Rollin' deep and reppin' it to the death.

New Hotness

I hate it when you get on the elevator and there are already 3 or four people on the elevator. They are always back against the walls and in the corners only leaving the center of the elevator for you to awkwardly pivot in place and stare down at the floor. I have decided to take action. This morning, I got into the elevator which already had four people. They were all facing the elevator door. I got in, and faced them all. I had a face off in the elevator. They were all facing me and my back was to the door. I rode this way for 5 floors until someone was getting off. I stood aside and let them pass then resumed my post in the center of the elevator. One by one, each passenger put his or her head down, making me the victor. When I back out onto the 11th floor, there was a little extra bounce in my step. Advantage Rouhier.

Jeff Mauer is a great dude. He gave me like 41 suggestions last night to help out some really crappy new jokes I had written and tried out in front of a baffled crowd at Topaz. I am not a very good comic.

I recently decided that I am going to stay in the DC area for a while longer. I am looking for a place to live. I am using this 'craig's list' to attempt to search for a desirable location. It has been quit fruitless to this point. I actually posted something about needing a place and that got responses whereas me contacting people with ads yielded very little. All I want is to live in a house in Georgetown/Glover Park/Arlington where the rent is under $700 and the hot chicks in the neighborhood take turns massaging my back. Why is that hard? Its not. Step it up Craig's list people. Bring your A game or go sit down at the end of the bench with that skinny kid with really bad acne and glasses that keeps the stats.

Speaking of stats, 313 people have viewed my spot on current.tv in the last 3 days. I am an extremely minor celebrity. Check me out and don't forget to green light me you ingrates: http://www.current.tv/studio/media/1078486

Stats

A few comics have taken to posting some stats and percentages about their web traffic. Whatever makes you happy I guess. I can't imagine doing this though. It would be like mentioning that I was the MVP of the Fairfax Eagles, the 18 and CABA national champions in 1997. Or, it would be like me saying, "hey, I'm Danny, when I graduated from GW, I was in the top five in most offensive categories for my career and was the school's all-time leader in RBIs...oh yeah, and make sure you check out the all conference teams where you will find my name. Also, if you get a chance, make sure to go and check the Virginia Little League record book where you will find my 12 year old season where I hit .896 with 27 home runs and a .15 era (I gave up one run when I got pissed at my dad and the umpire and I walked the bases loaded and walked in a run) in a 20 game season. All those stats are real by the way."

I would never do that.

I also can't believe I wasn't more in demand from pro teams. Usually, a 5'11" 195 lbs. player with average speed and no defensive position gets snatched up by a team looking for someone to make jokes on the bench.

Yeah but at least comedy doesn't pay very well.

I am putting together a really cool show. It is going to be cool and sweet but not too sweet because you would then get sick of it. Probably Dec 8. More to come on that.

Whispers amongst Satellite. Rumors flow like dust in the wind. Dec 3rd. There is a chance that this show would be like crossing the streams: there is a small chance we could survive the full particle reversal. It smells like burnt dog. Oh Venkman I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just forgot.

I went from a show promo right into Ghostbusters quotes. If you can't keep up, get a seeing eye dog. I don't get that either but my Babe Ruth coach told us that before the State Championship Game in South Hill, VA that I won with a 3 run home run in the top of the 7th inning.

I'm on Internet tv.

Check me out on the internet.com. Go to http://www.current.tv/studio/media/1078486

This is a direct link to a clip of me doing a little stand up. Its not my best work but its me just the same. My best work is right after a shower with the bathroom mirror a bit steamy; that is when I get creative...

If any of you readers are kind and unselfish people, you will log into current tv and green light my clip (no obligation, they just want unique log ins so a-holes like me don't keep voting for themselves to be green lighted). This will give me more exposure and give you a sense of accomplishment. Do it or be destroyed.

My boy Justin Schlegel, www.justinschlegel.com, is opening up for Bob Saget tonight at Lisner Auditorium at GW. None shall be spared from the barrage of jokes that will rain down like rain.

My posts are getting worse.

Hot Nights

My friends Ramsey and Lucie had a filthy throwdown on Friday night. I drank grain punch like a 20 year old college junior who needs to be outstandingly drunk to approach sorority honies and ask them about their majors. All were drunk and it was wondrous. I punted pumpkins in the middle of the streets of Georgetown. Ramsey called it: "your funniest moment ever". I felt like my funniest moment ever was crashing a party at the Ritz Carlton at 3:30 AM and declaring myself 'the official photographer'. I took pictures of myself and scenery with other people's cameras. Multi-talented...

I met a girl who is the single biggest cock-blocking/fun-sponge/annoying/no one likes her and wonders why she is at the party then you explain why and people are pissed at you because your reason doesn't seem anywhere near good enough to justify this terrible presence at an otherwise fun event. Girls like this make me depressed and sad. She has a boyfriend. I can only assume that he must be without a soul as she burdens him with wild emotional swings, picks fights about minutia, and loudly flirts with every male in sight every time they leave her lair of the black abyss where fun goes to die.

I would rather be beaten in a prison shower with a rusty copper cable while pedophiles and rapists take mental snapshots to interogate their dolphins later in their cells then hang out with that girl ever again. Here's to drunk driving and population control.

I had fun Saturday night teaching dance moves. I am a fantastic dancer with more skills than a juggling decathlete.

The Redskins lost and my anger is naked and unencumbered.

I hate when you order food and the restaurant gets it wrong. It is never worth it to me to fight with the person who's making $8 an hour over whether or not they heard me correctly over the phone. Frustrating. I just make a pouty face and say: "don't worry about it" and sulk out of the place and eat what I didn't want.

Soooo Whatcha doooiiinn?

Here is what I am thinking about:

Ryan Conner performed last night on a broken leg that still had the bullets inside. He killed. That is a performance.

Doug Powell did something amazing last night. I have never been so entertained at an open mic. I can't explain it. It wasn't the funniest thing I have ever seen but I was so captivated. I think the crowd was too. They weren't laughing so much as they were transfixed on his performance. Incredible. I love that guy. He is never satisfied.

I went up with a few concepts last night and some ideas that I've tried out before. Not good. I think I may have one good thing out of all of it. Its about NASCAR. No comic ever talks about NASCAR. I am the only one. Take that, mix in my Shwarzeneggar (I don't care if its spelled wrong, you know who I am talking about bitches) impersonation, add my one joke about anal sex, steam/shake/cool/serve: You've got a directionless, hacky comic that should retire and go do 9-5 jobs with the rest of these a$$holes...No I didn't mean my office...I meant a figurative and metaphorical office where candy doesn't fall from the ceiling every half hour and bonuses are handed out for cheeriness and every movement made within the complex isn't watched like a prairie dog in the sights of a hawk.

I love my job.

Comics: Here is my advice for the day. Keep in mind that I am not good but here is what I know. If you go up and talk at the audience, like you're giving a speech, you are going to suck always. If you can make the audience think you're talking to them or at least make them comfortable with you, you are more likely to get laughs. Be engaging. There are certain people who's material really isn't that good but they still crush because they are being themselves and they are what's funny. Some people could read the phonebook and it could be hilarious. This brings me to my next point, if you are not naturally funny; meaning you weren't the funniest one of your friends or you are not the funniest one in your office or you are constantly surprised when people don't laugh at your amusing little quips, allow me to give you some advice: aahhheemmm

STOP DOING STANDUP ASSHOLE!

Thanks.

The Dominance of Seaton Smith

Dominant. This is the only way to describe Seaton Smith on Saturday night at the contest. He rung up a well-deserved victory at the DC Comedyfest Contest at Cantina Marina. He was awesome. Well done young man.

I was awful. I sealed my fate in the first 7 seconds when I made some kind of awkward reference to wanting to sleep with Alicia Gomes; this made everyone uncomfortable. I am so intimidated by her as she is really funny and I have no idea how to talk to her. It reminds me of 7th grade when 7 dudes would crowd around 2 chicks and I'd be just outside the circle and when I finally got a word in it was a joke that referenced something that happened 5 minutes before and no one got it and it got really silent and I would break out in acne on the spot. So, my bad Alicia.

Both Alicia and Ryan Conner were hilarious. They both crushed and it would have been between them if Seaton hadn't come in the end and dominated like Voltron.

In other news, if you haven't heard of this, read it now http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2216124

Its a story about two Carolina Panthers Cheerleaders who were hammered at a bar in Tampa and decided to go and make seggs in a bathroom stall. An angry woman called the police because she had to wait for too long. Do what other uppity chicks do: go into the men's room by doing that thing where you act all flirtatious and skip the line and then go take care of business with a hover-craft move in the stall. Don't be a bitch and call the cops.

My boy is married to an NFL cheerleader. I partied with many of them at the wedding. We did not see behavior like this or the wedding would have been a bit more fun. The cheerleaders at the wedding were complete fun-sponges that left after an hour and ten minutes. This was highlighted by several of them sharing one piece of chicken at my table and my boy's brother awkwardly hitting on one cheerleader which provided some entertainment. Note: I did the robot on the dance floor.

The Dumb Bitch at Topaz Last Night

Oh my God. That is how I am starting this blog. I had a tight set at Topaz last night which included taking an obnoxious woman to task. I figuratively took her behind the wood shed and metaphorically beat her about the chest and assneck with a spade. If you have to say something to the person next to you, whisper it. Everyone who is there to see a comedy show (great crowd last night) does not want to hear your repetitive observations made to no one in particular. During your GED classes, I wish they had touched on the topic of 'inside voices'.

Unbelievable. She tried to provoke me into a shouting match after the show. I ignored her which again made me the winner as she once again appeared foolish in the eyes of others.

Saturday night will be hot like scorching flames on pantyhose. Cantina Marina 8PM (www.cantinamarina.com). Be there or face ridicule.

My Bizzle

Sorry to everyone at Nanny's last night. I really stunk. I had done basically the same set the entire weekend and I needed to get some new stuff going. I went up with a few ideas to see where they would take me. They took me to a prison shower where I was deflowered and beaten with a hose as several guards watched and stared at my awkwardness.

Also, it was really dark at Nanny's. Weird scene all around. Chris Palmer did a hand-stand.

Saturday night at Cantina Marina will be cool like frozen foods in the freezer. Worst analogy ever.

Drafts

I had a fantasy NBA draft last night. I had my heart set on a pick and then choked under pressure and took someone else. My war room was disgusted. My question is, is this what it feels like to be engaged? I feel like every time I check my fantasy lineup I'll have to give it the same 'OK, whatever you say sweetie' smile that guys give their wives/fiances when they are dying inside thinking about the really hot girl that got away that time in Memphis when she asked me to dance but I had just gotten there and when I told her no my boys wanted to stab me in the legs and then she danced with some other guy and went home with him and then I saw her on ESPN a few months later because she was in the finals of the "MISS HAWAIIAN TROPIC" competition.

I still wake up late at night in tears. Ha ha funny right? Nope. Moistened eyes and clenched fists.

I believe that it is in the nature of women to try and attract the most desirable man they can and hold onto him. I believe it is in the nature of men to have an opportunity to nail the hottest girl he's ever seen in person and then f*ck it up.

Nanny's tonight. 8:30. Ryan Conner is going to do something unheard of in the world of comedy.

PS There is a porn star named Ryan Conner who is a chick. She is hot. I was explaining this to someone the other day and someone else heard me say that 'Ryan Conner is really hot'. I am not weirded out by this.

My New Man Crush

I have a man crush on Chad Daniels (www.chaddaniels.com), the headliner I got to work with this past weekend. Not only was he hilarious all weekend, but he is an incredible guy. I had an amazing time with him at the Baltimore Comedy Factory from the Thursday night show to the 3 show death march on Saturday night. I tore the club up from my feature spot on 5/6 shows with the Thursday night show being my worst as I decided to do poorly to set up the rest of the weekend. Erin Jackson was the MC and she had a great weekend as well. She's a funny lady and one of the nicest people that lives on Earth. Thanks again to the Factory for the spot.

I admire Chad because he's so ballsy. He has zero fear and doesn't whore himself to the audience the way insecure people like me tend to do. He was going to do it his way and I would laugh myself silly at lines that were going way over the heads of Baltimore's finest. Awesome.

Cool week this week. Nanny O'briens on Tuesday night (www.nannyobriens.com) show starts at 8:30. Ryan Conner, Chris White and others. Always a fun show.

Friday, and this is pretty cool, Daniel Tosh (who is easily worth the price of admission) is headlining a DC Comedyfest show that features nationally renowned sketch group Elephant Larry. The show will be hosted by my boy and humor creator, Rory Scovel. Check out www.dccomedyfest.com for details.

Saturday night, I'm in a contest that should be a lot of fun. The DCCF is putting on a contest at the Cantina Marina (www.cantinamarina.com) on the waterfront and the winner will get to open the DC Comedyfest in 2006. Show starts at 8 and should be a great time. Admission is free.

Sorry that post wasn't funny.

"I noticed everything is made of brick in this town. Most of the buildings, the warehouse...this wall. Who's the mayor of this town? The third little pig? Wolf couldn't blow my town over bitches." -Chad Daniels

Eating it

I had a pretty mediocre set last night at the Factory. Some would say it was 'just a Thursday crowd' others might say 'its because you're not funny'. Erin Jackson is funny. She has this awesome joke about ugly children.

The headliner, Chad Daniels, is a really nice guy. He's funny. He made fun of Baltimore with one of the most insightful and funny things I have ever heard. I hope he does it again tonight.

I am going to do better tonight as well. First show is at 8:30 and the 2nd show is at 10:30.

I stepped on the mic cord and pulled it out of the mic during my set last night. Who does that? Honestly, who does that happen to? I tried to roll with it but I felt like a pedophile holding a bag of burning dicks at a high school assembly, thrilled to be where I was but horribly embarrassed about myself and what I was doing.

I love McDonald's breakfast.

Several people have asked me about updates to my website (one person 5 weeks ago who didn't know me). I am working on that. I've got the software now and am working to get the site to point to the new root directory. The point is, when you are barely computer literate, its almost more frustrating than having zero idea at all. I know just enough to screw it up.

My boy Frank Hong, Satellite power forward/equipment/demolition expert, won the Comedy Kumite last night; setting the stage for a horrible sequel that no one wants to see just like the real Bloodsport Movies.

The Factory

THIS JUST IN:

I am featuring at the Baltimore Comedy Factory this weekend (www.baltimorecomedy.com). Shows are as follows:

Thursday @8, Friday @8:30 + 10:30, and Saturday @ 7, 9, and 11

Chad Daniels is the headliner. I've never actually seen him but I have heard he's funny. Erin Jackson is the host and she is really good.


Speaking of baltimore comedy, I have got to mention my boy Justin Schlegel dominating the DC Improv Open Mic Showcase last night. He was so obviously the best comic that I was worried something weird would happen. Justin is the most talented comedian I have ever met. When I first saw him, you could just tell that he was a funny guy. Now, because he works so hard and is really dedicated to becoming great, he is a polished, smooth, and quick comic that has no limits on where he can go. Great job little jew, great job.

In these contests, there always seems to be someone that doesn't place very high and the entire audience is confused. Last night, Ricky Paugh had a good set. A large and boisterous portion of the crowd was there to see him and they were very supportive. It felt to a lot of people there that because he had so many people, the judges might have dismissed him. This doesn't make sense to me as one of the reasons you have a comedy club is so that people will come see the shows. No other points here, its just a little tough to figure out.

Come see me in Baltimore this weekend. I am going 'tear the club up'. Holler

Thanks Again and Next Week

Satellite Show was awesome on Saturday. Thanks to DC Comedyfest, Satellite, and all the great fans who came out and supported our kickoff show. More to come from us so stay tuned.

Go to www.dccomedyfest.com . Do it right now. Next week, Daniel Tosh is performing in a 'taste of the fest' show with a hilarious sketch troupe Elephant Larry. The show will be hosted by DC's own Rory Scovel at Lisner Auditorium at GW on Friday night.

On Tuesday, Nov 1, I'll be at Nanny O'briens for the monthly showcase with Ryan Conner, Chris White and others. Always a fun show.

On Saturday, Nov 5, along with some of the area's best comics, I'm in a contest to open next year's DC Comedyfestival. The show is at Cantina Marina (www.cantinamarina.com) on the Waterfront. Ryan Conner, Rory Scovel, Alicia Gomes, Seaton Smith, Herbie Gill and some others that I am forgetting. Show will be tight like shrunken spandex.

That's your funny danny calendar. Now to the real issues, if you live in a sprawled metropolitan area and plan on getting to places outside the city, you need a car. I can't stand non-car people. They come off like they are these helpless little lambs that will get blown away by the wind if you don't give them a ride to their house in Alexandria on a Friday afternoon when all you want to do is go in the exact opposite direction to your house and take a nap.

They put you in these positions like: "well if you want to hang out with me, I'm going to need a ride there and back" and you're a dick if you choose not to give them a ride because its like you don't care enough about them to make the extra effort. My boy dated a girl that never drove but was also a public transportation snob. I myself hate public transportation as I think it is for peasants and self-righteous earthy people who take the bus to their non-profit and go to happy hours and complain about their boss and Bush, but if I didn't have a car, I'd figure it out really quick.

My boy Pat lives in New York and he is like an idiot savant with the transportation system. He has mastered it and all its uses. He is a shining example of what can happen when one applies himself to getting around. This brings me back to my original point, if you don't have a car, get one. Then, once you have it, drive it and drive everyone around that you made drive you for all those years. Once my boy Mike graduates from law school, I expect a full 3 years of indentured servitude as my personal chauffeur. ha ha funny right? Drive me to Jamba Juice biyyatch.

U2/Satellite Ready to Rock

I went to the U2 show last night at MCI. They were incredible. I wish I didn't always speak in superlatives so when I really want to convey meaning, I coud actually make people appreciate what I'm trying to say. U2 was so amazing. That is what a band is supposed to do. They get how to put on a show. I had an unreal time.

Susan O'Malley, the President of the Wizards, came into our suite looking for our group leader. I told her: "thanks for the Wizards". Inappropriate and kind of awkward to be honest.

Satellite Show on Saturday. Nothing more needs to be said about it. People are excited, everything is in place, and its on. Thanks again to everyone that bought tickets. We will not let you go home without being entertained. Doug Powell will be there. Afterparty will be a good time. Meet us at the Front Page around 10.

One.

Learning to Make Jokes

Muttley's was cancelled last night so I did 7 minutes at Dremos instead. It was fine. I realized a few things:

1) I really have no idea how to write a joke. I have no clue what my 'style' is. I just create things that I think are funny with every joke being different. Some have to do with my silly little voices and others are stories and still others are the more classic set up-punch line-tag line things that make me want to puke in my own mouth.

2) There are 3 comics that were all there last night who are amazing joke writers: Chris White, Ryan Conner and Jeff Maurer. I watch them and always think things like: 'I wish I'd thought of that' and 'he's got a real pretty mouth'. If you are just starting comedy or if you have been doing the exact same 7 minute set since I've known you or if you still think doing an open mic is a big deal or if you brag about one time at an open mic where you got laughs or if you ruin the show for the rest of the comics because you deflate the crowd because your set eats it so bad that you think about quitting comedy like the time I did Bridges, please observe these guys and analyze how they structure things because its good.

3) I really can't stand it when I see someone who I think has the talent to be a good comic not using it (If you are friends with Julia Bensfield, kidnap her and bring her to comedy shows because she could be great). I've seen so many comics get up and give a 7 minute speech that is always the same. There are a couple of funny parts but its like they have no concept of what jokes are (less so than me). They might get a few laughs but they will never kill with that stuff. To me, that has to be your goal. I am not satisfied with that kind of laughter. I get pissed when I don't crush and I can't imagine being in any way satisfied with anything less (which is why I'm always pissed). I always want to get better and I see these people staying on the same plane and its really irritating.

4) Of course there is no one way to write jokes. If there was a formula that could be easily evaluated, Chris and Ryan would have met in the finals at the Boston Comedy Festival. What is funny to some will be noise to others. I blogged the other day about how much I love Dane Cook (as a comic. Easy gay police). Chris White makes some really good points in his blog about why you shouldn't like Dane Cook http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/blog.php (go all the way down to the bottom). Its an opinion thing.

Really excited for U2 tonight. Satellite is going to be cooler than Optimus Prime in pajamas on Saturday.

Holler

Pumped Amped and Juiced

I'm like a New Jersey High School Football right now. This has already been a great week and more wonderfullness is on the way.

I am doing a lot of time at TS Muttley's tonight, going to the U2 concert on Thursday, and am going to leave the mic scalding in my wake on Saturday night as I get carried out of the place to the top of a pyramid where 1000 naked women will throw miniature pickles at me (Real Genius bitches. #1 Val Kilmer role of all time. Top Gun included).

As a side, I am sure everyone can relate to what I'm about to say. You know how there are certain people in your life that you take for granted most of the time but every once in a while, you can step back and say, "I am so lucky to know ____", because he or she is just a winner, a gamer; the type of person that if you told them it was important, it would get done. "Listen, its important, run to the corner and haul it in when I throw it."

-"You got it."

I have so many people like that in my universe which makes me feel lucky. My friend Claire is one of these people; just a winner. She achieves. That's it. Just an obstacle conquering lady who tries to make everyone happy. We are going to U2 on Thursday night. She thinks, 'hey Danny loves U2, I'll ask him.'

U2 is easily my favorite band. I love them. I can rattle off 50 songs of theirs that I love and I discover more all the time. There are bands like Coldplay (they are great too by the way), who are making waves now and are drawing comparisons to U2, but U2 has them covered. I was listening to some Coldplay last night. I suck at all the names of songs but they had some really beautiful piano tracks that were slow and really cool. I went back and grabbed an old U2 cd from 1982 and found that they were doing the same thing back then. They can do it all and they put on the most incredible shows. Best band on the planet and in my mind, they have to stack up with the greatest rock bands of all time as they have been awesome for close to 30 years.

Satellite is sold out for Saturday, come to the afterparty at Front Page at 10. We have a private room and we will all be there throwing ourselves about the place.

I Want To Tell You About the Time I Almost Died

As of right now, tickets are sold out to the Satellite Kickoff Show presented by DC Comedyfest on Saturday at Topaz Bar (1733 N Street). Thanks to all those that reserved their tickets in advance.; RUYA (see a previous post if you don't know) to those of you that didn't. The place will be packed and the humor will be hot. Join us at the official afterparty at The Front Page which is a couple blocks away at 1333 New Hampshire Ave at 10PM. Stuff will be off of the chains designed to keep it on.

Last night, Satellite point guard Rory Scovel and I journeyed down to a club in Richmond where Rory (www.roryscovel.com) was headlining and I was doing a guest spot to audition to headline in the future. The place is called Easy Street thanks to Ray for putting the show on and letting me do some time. What a great crowd. They rolled with everything and stayed through the entire show which went pretty long. Why did it run long? Because Rory did 1 hour and 15 minutes. Thanks ass. Way to feel the moment big guy. Who cares if we get out of Richmond at midnight? I was with him for the first 30 minutes. During the next 30 minutes I tried to hold my breath until I passed out hoping that I would at least get some rest before coming to work today. During the last 15 minutes I was mentally screaming at him to shut the hell up like Elane when she was trapped in coach and had to get up to go potty. I kid. He did great and proved that he can fill a long spot. Awesome stuff.

When we finally did pull away, we stopped for gas. I went to see if the shop was open to grab a couple of beverages for the road. As I was walking back to the car upon discovering the store was closed, a big SUV slowly pulled into the parking lot. In the car, there were two young men wearing hooded sweatshirts taking a really long look at the store. They rolled by as if they were deciding something and went to the back of the parking lot and turned around. 'Oh my God,' I thought, 'they are about to rob this place'. I walk briskly back to the car and tell Rory who has just finished filling up: 'let's go right now. I'm not kidding'. He assumed I was kidding because we are comics (the danger of humor my friends). I get in and tell him to hurry up. I look back and now the SUV is moving to pull along side us. I am terrified. Here is my thought process:

-They were planning on robbing the gas station convinience store. When it was locked and no one was inside, they decided they were going to rob and shoot us instead.-

Rory is moving really slowly and I am freaking out. Just as he gets in the car. The SUV arrives alongside us and the passenger rolls down his window and sticks his head out and signals for Rory to roll down his window. I am frozen with fear. Rory looks at the guy for a second and then rolls his window down. The kid leans out and I am thinking: "here it is. This is how it ends. I am going to get shot twice in the chest and I am going to die in Richmond in my friend's sister's shitty car."

The kid sounds like Fez from 'That 70s Show' and asks where the bus station is. Rory somehow knew the answer. They drive off. I say: "I would never hang out here" and we went home.

Fin.

Week of Humor

Tonight, Rory Scovel (www.roryscovel.com) and I are going to a club in Richmond to do a show. It is supposed to be awesome like the part in the Karate Kid where Daniel San uses the crane technique to kick John Lawrence in the face and win the All Valley Karate Tournament (look it up. Its right.)

Wednesday I will be throwing humor about the place at TS Muttley's in Adams Morgan. We were going to do a show there a couple weeks ago but the Redsox were busy losing to the White Sox in the battle for sock supremacy. Who would have thought that an Irish bar would have such ardent Red Sox fans in it and not be ready for a comedy show during the playoffs? All the comics, that's who. We are self-absorbed geeks that have no concept outside of our self-indulged worlds of 10 minute sets. How was that for a a scathing self-commentary? I don't know what those words mean.

Saturday: The biggest show that has ever been ever. We only have a few tickets left for the Satellite Kickoff Show sponsored by DC Comedyfest. Saturday night, 8 PM, the Topaz Bar at 1733 N street. Tix are $5. To reserve, send an email to satelliteshows@gmail.com . If you build it, people will come to your show.

Craig's List

I realize that I'm probably well behind the times here, but I am confused over the nature of craig's list. I get that its an easy way to do classifieds which can be extremely functional. You can find a sublet, some furniture, even a roommate and all these things are good uses of cyberspace. There is a darker side to the c-list that is, quite frankly, bizarre and terrifying in a 'small child with a monotone voice and wide eyes' kind of way.

I was on the c-list today looking for an apartment. I got board from trying to translate the constant flow of 3 bdr, 2.5bth, k/dwu, gdspl, w/du $2200 sec dp .5 1mr.

So, I looked about the site a little bit. There is a section called 'casual encounters'. This is for people to arrange to make the sex. Here I was wasting my time trying to talk to women who in turn leaving me to go and talk to ass-clowns that look like the belong in a Chapel Hill fraternity basement funneling Jack Daniels while a shrieking southern girl rebels against her uptight moral code by kissing Yates-Harrison Bodeaux IV before going on their 5th date.

I quickly realized that I could not look at this casual encounters section while at work because it is the same filth level as reading the made up stories in playboy and penthouse and my emails to my high school friends. So, I went back to the main page and another thing caught my eye: 'missed connections'. People write stuff like this: "hotty from the Balston Metro Stop wearing a blue jacket. Hi" in hopes that said person will see it and contact them. This is the internet equivalent of the Senifeld episode where George thinks of what he should have said to the guy in his office after the fact and he settles on "Jerkstore. I'm going with Jerkstore". What a joke.

Then it struck me that my X-girlfriend emailed me one of those a couple of weeks ago that featured one of my comedy buddies. Which means that someone was hoping he'd read it. It also means that she was reading them which makes me uncomfortable. This is just a phenomenon that I don't get and I don't want to get it. The same way I have no interest in getting 'hooked on IM'. I hate IM for many reasons. Here are 2:

1) I cannot type fast enough to keep up. I am still responding to a question after the other person has typed 4 more responses
2) I would have to punch myself in the face if I were ever tempted to use terms like: brb! LOL! TTYL :) !! (:-!)

If any of you missed connecting with me, my email is danny.funnydanny.com. I was the guy that thinks you are a complete loser for posting these things on the internet. Contact me.

More Dane Cook Stuff

Dane Cook is amazing. Do yourself a favor and pick up his comedy CD Retaliation. www.danecook.com . He is the greatest comic working right now. He has a joke that made me spit up last night when I was listening to it alone by myself. I actually spit out my purple gatorade onto the coffee table at my parents' house.

F the Jankees

RUYA (that's an acronym (I think its an acronym) for Right Up Your Ass). To all the yankees fans out there: RUYA. I love the fact that your team is done. I am a huge baseball fan. I played in college and I set little league records. I love baseball and for years, the new york yankees were ruining the game.

Here's the breakdown:

Two teams, one is the yankees, the other is a mid-market team in the middle of the country.

yankees payroll: $200 million
MM team: $60 million

You might say, so what? Doesn't it just mean that MM team has to be smart? yes, but its so much more than that. If MM invests in a player and something doesn't work out (injury, underproduction etc.) then the team likely will not be able to compete. If the yankees screw up (every year they make a bunch of mistakes. Don't believe me? Here's this year's short list: Carl Pavano, Jared Wright, Kevin Brown, Matt Lawton and Tony Womack), they can just keep buying until they get it right. If another team made half those mistakes, they'd be in last place.

Some of you might be saying so what, if they can afford it let them do whatever they want or, I thought he was a comic, why am I reading about baseball? Here is what I say to question 1: Baseball and other professional sports are a unique product. Part of that product is competition. Baseball finally adopted a form of revenue sharing to attempt to insure some sense of competitive balance as football and basketball have enjoyed for years. A pro sport is really just an organization of owners who, quite often, are not held accountable to 'what's good for the game'. The commissioner is appointed by the owners and he is their puppet sent to watch out for their interests. The point here is that no one is holding the owners accountable. Fans complain about player salaries but someone is signing those contracts. The owners created their own mess and then spin the situation so that the players are vilified as greedy. Owners knew full well about the steroid situation for years but they turned a blind eye. Home runs were being hit and asses were in seats, they weren't complaining in the aftermath of the strike that cancelled the World Series a few years ago. The owners got together and decided to spin the issue and make it a bargaining chip against the players.

My boys in the minor leagues were approached many times by guys within the organization with designer steroids that were 'undetectable'. It was being encouraged. Those guys were just bodies and if one of them pans out into a 40 HR second baseman, it was worth it.

Anyway, all the bandwagon yankee fans out there can eat poo for another year until the yankees win the offseason again. Real yankee fans are fine. I mean that. The guys that went through the days of Mattingly, Matty Nokes, Kevin Maas etc. are fine by me. The smelly dickholes that jumped on the bandwagon after that little bastard turned Jeter's fly out into a home run, can go play in traffic.

I am rooting for St. Louis to win this thing. 1) best baseball fans in the world 2) unbelievably classy organization 3) Top 2 GM in all of pro sports (Walt Jockety is right behind John Schuerholz of the Braves) that finds guys that were cast off by others and they are rejuvinated in STL (Chris Carpenter, Jason Marquis etc.). Let's go Cards.

My new jokes are crisp. Dremos on Wed could change the world.

The Spot

Did spanking new stuff at the Comedy Spot on Sunday night. I crushed. Curt Shackelford (the show organizer guy) let me do about 20 minutes. I love Curt. I really do. No dude on dude love here, just a great guy who works super hard to put shows together so idiot comics like me can get time.

Last night I went out. I was really drunk. I didn't go home all day Sunday and then went and did the Spot on Sunday night. I was disgusting. You know when you are so gross that you are aware of how gross you are and you are embarrassed? Just like that.

Tickets are selling rapidly for the Satellite Kickoff Show. It is going to be awesome. We will stun you and take your underpants off for you. For tickets, send an email to satelliteshows@gmail.com

Miserable about the Redskins loss today. I love the Redskins so much. I just want my parade. There was a parade in DC when I was a kid when they won the Superbowl. There was so much mirth. I want that again. They are so close to being a good team that its frustrating. They should have won the game today. I played sports and everyone says they 'should have won' so I know that's lame but I'm serious about this. There was a fumble that they called an incomplete pass. If the refs interpreted the rule correctly, then the rule needs to be changed. The QB tried to not throw the ball and then dropped it. Fumble, Redskins victory. The NFL irritates me because I think its the sport where the refs have the biggest impact on the game. There were some attrocious calls in the game and some even worse non-calls. I have never understood why its hard to just make the right call. A screw up periodically is understandable but what happened today is absurd. The Redskins made it close because of a bullsh#t defensive holding call on 4th down. Refs suck. I want to make a movie called 'Ref School'. My boy Mike Dirksen who is an actor in Hollywood will make this film and I will help. Ref School 2011, look for that sh*t.

My Madden Franchise was dealt a crippling blow tonight when Clinton Portis went down with a torn pectoral muscle. He is out for the year. Ladell Betts is really going to have to step up. I really need a girlfriend.

Out.

5

Last night Rory and I did a benefit show at Club 5. Last time I was there as a collegian a jewish sorority girl told me: "I am rolling my a$$ off right now" as 'x' was quite the rage at the time for rich kids. I ended up getting so drunk there, that I did not recognize my own reflection in the mirror and became bewildered when I couldn't find the other man I was seeing when I turned around to look. Good times.

Last night, the scene was very different. There was a hurricane Katrina benefit there. It was casino night at 5. Patrons paid some money and then received fake $ to gamble with and then received donated prizes based on how well they did ( I lost everything just like the real vegas. Can't wait to go back and see it again). The point? It was the least conducive environment for a comedy show in the history of the free world (there may have been some tough times in evil empires, Stalin's USSR, and other cutthroat monarchies along the way). No one paid attention. Rory said 2 great things:
1) he said the worst part is that there were a ton of people that are going to leave there thinking that the comedians really sucked when in reality it was their suckiness that ruined the show.
2) He said that if the people didn't laugh at his jokes at a hurricane Benefit Show, then the hurricanes win.

There were a couple of really nice folks there; they were married. I forgot the guy's name because he was a guy and its not important for me to remember guys' names because I don't want to meet any more new guys for any reason. I know plenty of guys. I went to an all guys high school, I played baseball on several out of school teams, and then in college. I'm good on guys. No new ones thanks. Anyway, his wife was really cool and her name is Stephanie. Stephanie works for Alase and was surprised to find out that I have a joke about Alase. Good times. They were the only people that listened through the whole show. Great couple. I hope they come to the show at Topaz on the 22nd that will crush like heavy stuff dropped from on high. For tickets email satelliteshows@gmail.com .

Another girl listened sometimes. I accused her of being salty. She claimed she was not salty. To prove it, she came up to the stage and I licked her arm. It was awkward like when you first call a girl and she doesn't remember you. Our buddy Jay that hosted the show gave her a fake $1000 and told her to do whatever I wanted. Hilarity and tomfoolery in one sitting.

Come to TS Muttley's tonight. I'm doing about 20 minutes. Show starts at 8:30.

Holler

Some Things that Are Awesome

I am going to talk about some things and some people that are awesome. In no particular order, here we go:

Larry Poon: I have said some really bad things about Larry Poon when he wasn't around. I once called him a 'poor man's Harry Poon, this guy I knew from Cherry Hill, NJ that was always telling stories and eating cookies'. Well I take it all back. I had the pleasure of performing with him this past weekend at Busboys and Poets (more on that in a minute). He is incredible. The thing that I like the best is that there is a portion of the crowd that totally doesn't get it. They think he really is this guy who is flossing onstage and doing lounge-singer versions of rap songs. What a performer. He poured water on my chest.

Zach Toczcznycskcznzcski: There are a select few group of people who you can really say have done a lot for comedy in the Washington, DC area (Chris White, Blaire Postman, Sean Westfall to name a few). Well, Zach is on his way to joining that elite group. This guy starts rooms and he gets deserving comics stage time plain and simple. That is a hard working man right there. He let me do Busboys & Poets this weekend and we had 2 incredible shows where I got to feature and do 20 minutes. This is really a tremendous room and I had a blast. What a great guy. I had a decent set on Friday and a great one on Saturday in front of a bunch of my friends who are just about sick of coming out to see me. Its a good challenge to keep coming up with new stuff to keep them interested. Zach is in the semi-finals of the Baltimore Comedy Factory Contest and if he wins, he's donating half of the $2500 to hurricane Katrina Relief. I hope he does win as he's better than some poo-eating disc jockey who stacks the crowd and wins over the Bmore crowd with free t-shirts and dick jokes. Also, I think when he and I slapped five at the end of my set, I became just a smidge gayer. I had the urge to iron my shirt this morning and that's not the old Danny.

Dane Cook(www.danecook.com): I watched Dave Attel's Insomniac Comedy Tour from Las Vegas last night. Sean Rouse was OK as was Attel who hosted. Greg Giraldo was pretty funny. I really like his style. The headliner was Dane Cook. This guy is unreal. I had sort of forgotten about him for a little while as I was getting into some other comics but he slapped me in the face last night with how amazing he is. He is so funny it makes other comics feel like bad comics must feel when they see me crushing in my 4 minute sets at Topaz where I read off a napkin and do my silly litltle voices. He has a rep for being kind of a dick which I hope isn't true. You don't have to be. I've been lucky enough to work with some really amazing comics who were also incredible guys (Adam Ferrara, Aron Kader, Tony Woods, and T-Rexx to name some) and it makes them that much better. You want them to do that well because it feels like they know how hard it is to get there.

Satellite Show: see my previous blog about ticket info. Tickets are beginning to sell so I'd try and reserve them while you can. We are the 7 coolest basketball playing comics ever (except Justin Schlegel. He is a skate boarder and it got awkward when we were playing some 3 0n 3 on a half court and he tried to execute a max-air ollie rollover fakie grinder 720 statue howdy-marxist airbag turbo quilted blankey used to suck my thumb after losses in little league).

Come hang out at TS Muttley's this week. I'm doing another 20 minute spot on Wednesday night. Should be fun. Muttley's is in Adams Morgan on the strip. Cool bar. Hot dudes...yeah. Show is at 8:30. I need groupies.

SATELLITE TICKET INFO

Speaking of Satellite, I ate breakfast this morning. McDonald's hotcakes. Really good. I ate my food expertly with just the right mix of pace and taste distribution with the sausage/butter/syrup. Rory had a bagel. Rory ate his pretty well too. Rory is in Satellite. It then hit me that all 7 members of Satellite are incredible eaters. We must the 7 best eaters in the DC and Baltimore area and anyone who doesn't think so is a mark a$$ busta, or a trick a$$ mark, or a mark a$$ mark busta punk b*tch.

OK, here we go. Satellite ticket information. Tickets are only $5. You must reserve them in advance because this show will sell out. You will reserve a ticket and receive a confirmation and then you must pay at the door. The show starts at 8 and if you are not there to claim your ticket by 7:50, it can be sold to walk-ups so get there early!

To reserve tickets, send an email with the following:
1) Your Name
2) The number of tickets you would like to reserve

Send the email to satelliteshows@gmail.com

Holler

Busboys & Poets

I just got booked to do a really cool show at Busboys & Poets tonight and tomorrow night at 10 PM. Tickets are $5. The show will be off of the chains. I am the feature act and the spectacular Larry poon is headlining. If you have never seen him, you have to. Incredible stuff.

2021 14th Street (14th and V). More info here: http://www.busboysandpoets.com/

I did a sweet set of shows last night. I did OK at Topaz then went to the Old Town Theater in...ummmm Old Town. I entertained the hell out of both audiences members with tomfoolery. Thanks to Naomi for throwing me on. I am certain that this place could be an excellent staging ground for some top flight guerilla satellite comedy. I told you all that things will be different in DC. You all will see soon enough.

Mexican Restaurants and Dremos

Stunning. That is the only word I can think of to describe the show I did Sunday night. I did a Christian Comedy night at a Mexican restaurant in Germantown. I could not make that up. There was gospel music playing before the show started and the intro I had to memorize for the headliner went just like this: "Here she is, all the way from Springfield, VA. She's here to bless you. Please put your hands together and praise the lord... ____________ (her name)"

She then sang some gospel music and the people loved it. No one in the place liked my jokes. The very nice lady who put the show together promised the crowd that none of the comics would make fun of the audience. After my jokes drew zero laughs, I resorted to making fun of the audience. There was a freshman in high school there and I gave him the tools to be the most popular kid in class for at least one day. His dad was cool and laughed at the appropriate times so he really stood out.

I called out one guy because he wouldn't clap and made it so awkward that he had no choice but to clap. I won. One of the comics ate a piece of chicken on stage and then did hurricane jokes. I will recommend him to the Boston Comedy Festival. Zing! It still hurts goddamnit.

I did Dremos tonight. Tried some new stuff that mostly went over well. I am officially retiring a joke. That is the hardest thing to do in comedy I think. I have tried so hard with this thing but it will simply not be funny. I have given it to Rory and told him to make it funny or kill it with a hot poker. There was a pack of super annoying chicks that were talking all through my set. Even after I made fun of them, they kept talking and the leader, the fattest one so I assume she was the leader, didn't get that I was making fun of her and she was ruining the show.

October 22nd is going to be incredible. 7 of the greatest comics to ever do comedy will avert the apocolypse with mind bending humor. Ticket info will come soon as soon as the rest of the DC comedy scene realizes that if we are successful it will be great for comedy in DC. There are a lot of open mics but not enough great rooms for comics to get paid. We are trying to start one and Curt Shackelford has been working his ass off for over a year to find one. Sorry if people are pissed but they need to see the big picture. I will tell you who does get it: Blaire Postman. She is the chair of the DC Comedyfestival and she is going to open tons of doors for deserving comics in this area. Go see Daniel Tosh at GW's Lisner Auditorium on Nov 4th. That guy is incredible and Blaire is bringing him in for a 'taste of the festival'.

Holler