Actual Transcript

This is an actual phone conversation that I had earlier today. (I am now totally self conscious about typing the story the way I normally would because Jeff Maurer impersonated my writing style on his blog. Is that what I do to people when I impersonate them? I'm sorry to everyone because it isn't fun. I can't even write an email anymore. F it, let's do it anyway)

Players:

Me
Angry Phone Lady (APL)

me: "____________, May I help you?"
APL: "Yes hi, I'm returning a call."

me: 'Ok, do you know who called you?"
APL: "No, the call came from this number."

me: "OK, well is there someone who you would like to speak with?"
APL: "What is this? What office?"

me: "This is _____ in the ______ Complex in ______" (Its classified people. Let it happen)
APL: "Well, This is ______ (APL's actual name) with ______ (APL's meaningless title)"

me: "OK............................................................................................................"
APL: "Well?"

me: "Ma'am, do you have any idea who might have called you from this office?"
APL: "No."

me: "Well, I did not call you so, I'm not really sure how to help you."
APL: "How about getting up from your desk and asking the people in your office if they called me?"

me: "You would like me to go around my office, interrupt people and government staff and ask them if they placed a call that is none of my business?"
APL: "If it isn't too much trouble" (Note: The APL is using sarcasm here. Since I had never heard sarcasm before, I had no idea how to respond)

me: "I'm not going to go and bother everyone. Do you have a meeting coming up or have you been assigned anything from _____ ?"
APL: "I don't know"

me: "OK......................................................................................................"
APL: "OK..................OK What? What are you going to do?"

me: "Ma'am, I am trying to help you figure out who called you from this office and I really have no way of knowing unless you can provide me with a minimum amount of information."
APL: "What is your name?"

me: _______ (kidding, I told her.... Rory Scovel)
APL: "Well Rory, it seems strange that someone so incompetent is answering the phones there."

me: "Thanks."
APL: "So you have no idea who called me?"

me: "Let me check.....nope."
APL: "You've been a big help" (Powerful tool this 'sarcasm)

me: "Thanks. It was easy with all the info you provided."
APL: "Oh is that right?"

me: "Yes ma'm. There are dozens of people in this office and I can direct you to any one of them. I don't have any extensions listed for 'Someone'. He's not showing up on the global address book either."
APL: "This is ridiculous. I'm with __________."

me: "ooohhhhhh OK. I've never heard of that."
APL: "You're an a$$hole."

me: "Thanks. It's been great talking with you. Hope you find time to call again with no idea who you want to talk to."
APL: "What's your boss' name?"

me: "I don't know. He called me earlier but didn't leave a message so I really have no idea..."
APL: "UGH! You idiot! You have no idea of how to use the phone!"

me: "You're right, I'm always calling people and asking for a specific person. You're way is much more effective."
APL: "OK, goodbye."

me: "Bye ma'am. Great talk."
Click

Now, in my defense, in that writing, you couldn't hear her condescending tone of voice. It was almost unbearable. I don't think I over-reacted..Ok I did but that b*tch was annoying. Now here is the best part:

Fast forward 20 minutes later

Phone rings...

me: ___________, How can I help you?"
APL!!!!!!!!!! (It is definitely her again but she feebly tries to disguise her voice and is all nice) "Yes, is __________ in please?"

me: (I couldn't resist) "He sure is, and it is great to talk to you again. Hold on one sec."

Right before I transfer the call...

APL: "Yeah, I just checked my voicemail..."

Wow. I guess she was right. I am an idiot (see? Sarcasm is great).

tomorrow night at the Arlington Cinema 'N Drafthouse at 7:45. Huge show. Huge.