Fantasy

Are people into fantasy sports? I am. I love it. I realize it is dorky but it fulfills an incredible need. Every reasonable dude that likes sport wants to manage a team. This is a reduced pressure environment where he can do that and will not get fired when he finishes in last place and stops checking his team because he is out of it in September when Shaun Alexander went down...

I am 6 leagues right now. 4 football and 2 NBA. I love fantasy NBA. It is my favorite fantasy sport. The reason I love it is because the stars are fantasy stars. In football, a dude can be a dominant player, but doesn't give you fantasy points (Lineman etc.). In the NBA, the best players score fantasy points for you. It sound elementary but it is very refreshing. Also, because there are more games, it is more reasonable to predict trends and see how things are going instead of one game flare ups that happen in the NFL. I am in the minority. I know this.

I have gone through a couple of cycles as an NBA fan.

1) Childhood: I loved the NBA. I loved, Bird, Magic, youn MJ. I loved Bernard King. I loved the style of play. Everyone could shoot, they flew up and down the floor, and it was entertaining as h*ll. Basketball was beautiful.

2) Teenage Years: Villains like Pat Riley (who gave so much joy before) and Jeff Van Gundy ruin basketball. It becomes a defensive battle with post ups, isolations, guys hand-checking, backing players down, and a slow down/grind it out style that made me sick. Horrible to watch.

3) Older Childhood (now): The NBA is on its way back. Not the best route (allowing young stars WAY too many liberties and benefits to market them) but still, the basketball is better. Teams like Dallas and Phoenix play like teams did in the 80s. Everyone can shoot, they spread the floor, and they move and cut. Athletes are athletic again and are allowed to shine. We're close people. We are close.

As to your hometown Wizards. We are being lied to. The words out of Wiz camp are that we are going to compete for the East. Do not believe the lies. We haven't beaten Miami in 4 years, we cannot guard anyone, and we lack a post presence on either end with any semblance of consistency. We'll be the 6 seed again and lose to one of the top 3 teams in round 1.

I just realized that no one cared about this blog. Out.

I'm One of the Best...

Apologies for my recent brevity. I blame you, the casual reader. Figure out that riddle and you shall have peace.

I spent a good amount of time last week in Lancaster, PA for the Mid-Atlantic Conference for NACA or (money stealing consortium of death and circus sideshows). I ended up having a blast. Nothing major to report, I just hope I get a couple shows from it.

A couple observations:

-Lancaster is supposed to be Amish country. There is an outlet mall there and I bought a pair of pants and some shoes (without trying them on. I know my size). Not really that Amish.

-At the hotel shabingus where the conference was located, there was a horrendous smell that wafted anytime you were outside. The following is what the smell is composed of:

1 part horse poop
1 part stale hey
1 part refinery and processed smoke
1 part natural body oders of the region
1 part a lack of knowledge of the outside world

Serve.

I got a haircut today. I heard the following words from a man:

Man: "Yup, we're #1 in the world...uh huh, my firm is #1 in the world. We are the best in the world."

"Muddled response" by hair cuttery employee...

Man: "Yes, Real Estate. That's the game and we're the champs. #1 in the world..."

Muddled Response...

Man: "We sure are. I'm your man. I can get you in anywhere. We're #1 and I'm one of the best...just a little off the sides and back...thanks hon...yeah, I've been in the game 10 years now. I'll tell you this much, ain't met the man that's outsold me yet."

Muddled question...

Man: "Tell you what, look me up on our website."

Muddled question...

Man: 'Yeah, Website..."

Muddled Question...

Man: "WEB-SITE! In-TER-NET! Yeah...You look us up and we'll get you sorted out."

Muddled muddling...

Man: "Well, I don't know who else could do it; you let me know and I'll take care of you. Do a good job and we'll make sure you get a deal...hahahha...Yeah, I'll take care of you...sure."

Muddled Silence...and some confusion but muddled...

Man: "Yup, #1...OK great thanks."

He paid and left. I was amazed. No comments on this. I'll let you do it for yourselves. I just didn't think that people like this existed in life. I thought they were just movie characters...wow.

It Is YOUR Duty

I'm literally too tired to blog about all the news of this past week. It is going to have wait until next week like a good little news bit that grets rewarded for being patient with a new nintendo game but does not choose well and comes come with 'Tiger Heli', one of the 25 worst games of all time.

What I will tell you, is that on my way back from the NACA conference last night well after midnight. I stopped at a WaWa. I purchased one of the greatest foodstuffs I have ever had the pleasure of consuming. We owe it to oursleves not to let this product go away. If you see it, buy it, eat it, realize that it is the nectar of the gods, and go buy more.

Ritz Chips.

The BEST snackfood in the history of the world. I decided after 4, that I wanted that taste in my mouth forever. When they do an MTV Cribs of my DC apartment in 2012, there will be a pantry filled completely with ritz chips at all times. Astoundingly tight.

Ritz cracker flavor, bakes into a chip. I cannot stress this enough, THE BEST EVER. Incredible. We often talk about achievements of the science community. I wish to invite the man (yes, I said man. Mysogonist, that's how I roll. I'd bet anything that it was not a woman who came up with a tight snack food) over to a bbq where he would be the toast of the event. What a great human.

Have a great weekend.

You Smell Like Comedy

Last promotion, tonight, 8:30 PM at Gary Clark's South Beach Restaurant in Bethesda. Really fun show because of the fun elements involved with the fun-ness and funality...

Last night, my special lady friend made the following remark:

"You smell like comedy."

I knew exactly what she meant. Here is the breakdown of this unique odor:

1) Smoke. (Cannot wait until January). How anyone can purposefully inhale something that sticks to the fiber of cloth and hair like some kind of mutant parasite is beyond me. This is the first ingredient and the most prominent and it is gross.

2) Sweat. For those that know me, you know I'm about 2-2.8 degrees warmer than the average human. And to that end, I will get a lather going when others are comfortable. Further, add a stage light, some ADD outbursts, movement, nervous energy, and gesticulations and...watch the gentle layer of nature's cruel game killer appear.

3) Fried Foods: There is an air of grease, deep frying, and overall 'unhealth' at comedy venues. That smell sticks to you. It smells like poor choices and disregard for the body. It smells like giving in...

4) Dankness: there is an inherent seediness to comedy. Comedy is humid...it is moist. It is dark and kind of hidden. Comedy thrives in a mossy environment.

Those are the elements of a typical comedy smell. And since you cannot smell fear, insecurity, angst, pain, frustration, depression, inability to focus, need for approval, or a crying inner child, these 4 things are what you get.

Who is the best natural athlete of all time? No wrong answer I don't think; well there are some wrong answers. Like, it isn't Larry Poon for example. That dude had to work for everything he got. It is also important how you define the discussion. To me, here are the elements:

Athleticism, Aptitude, Performance.

Here are my top guys:

3) Jackie Robinson (look it up, 4 sports at UCLA)
2) Michael Jordan (best athlete ever, but not natural athlete as defined above)
1) Bo Jackson (that dude could have done anything at a pro level. Big, strong, fast, explosive, coordinated. Set the Alabama long jump record in HS without ever practicing. Showed up at the state meet and beat it.)

Gary Clark

One of my favorite football players of all-time, #84 is kind enough to open his restaurant to some of my silly comic friends and I on Wednesday evening. Here are the details: http://www.southbeachrestaurantbethesda.com/3/miscellaneous9.htm

7904 Woodmont AveBethesda, MD 20814

Show starts at 8:30 is going to be hosted by my buddy Rob Maher who is funny and tastes like pumpkin spice.

I'm really excited about this show because I have wanted to meet Gary Clark since he scored a TD in overtime to beat Minnesota when I was a child and my father explained that he was very fast. I liked that.

If you are in Bethesda, come to the show. If you are not in Bethesda, go there. It's a real up and coming town...

NACA

I'm going to Lancaster, PA on Thursday for the Mid-Atlantic NACA conference. This is where a bunch of reps from colleges go to see who they want to book for their schools. I did a small one in the spring and the result was a shabingus; one of the worst nights of my life. Great story though. It can be one of those sh*tty stories great comics tell when they are famous and everyone loves them because they are great. I cam currently shy the greatness, fame, and an audience for my story. I do have the story.

Wednesday, everyone who is cool in the world needs to come right here: http://www.southbeachrestaurantbethesda.com/

For those that don't know, it is the restaurant of one of my childhood heroes, Gary Clark. He is letting us have a comedy show there. I cannot tell you how excited this makes me. I love this man as much as one can love another man that he does not know personally...My boy Rob Maher put this thing together. He is good.

Show starts at 8:30 and people should come. It will be a great time.

Goodbye everyone.

UGH

Sorry for the late blog today. Kind of a cluster/shabingus workday. I'm going to do something cool tomorrow that I am excited about. No spoiling it though until it happens.

I talked to Rory Scovel today. He's still in Canadia and might not be back here for many moons. He's doing well. He says that despite its rep, Canadia is not just America's Sombrero and/or Northern Mexico. It's a good place with good things.

Have a great weekend everyone.

DOH!

Sorry loyal readers (mom) and casual readers (dad), awkwardly busy today. I usually don't have much to do but I have been occupado all day long. Note: FunnyDanny does not trust any person who says things like:

"I'd rather be busy at work"
"I"M better when I have lots to do."
"Sure I'm with the Navy, why don't you hop into the van and take some candy?"

If you have ever said these things, you are the person at work that annoys everyone and it will be harder to get invited to happy hours. You'll have to do the thing where you manage to hear about them instead of being included on the original email chain...Awkward.

I Did a Good Thing Today

Justin, Jon and I all performed today over at Walter Reed Medical Center for some wonderful people. I know that the 3 of us had an incredible time and we got a great response from all the folks in attendance. One of the better experiences I've had as a comedian. Thanks so much to Walter Reed, Whitney (Brooke) and DeAnne (Andrea).

I put those names in parenthesis because all of us agreed that those 2nd names were what the girls actually looked like. Whitney looks exactly like a Brooke. She looks more like a Brooke than any Brooke has ever looked like a Brooke or Whitney. DeAnne could not have been more Andrea even if she had been named Andrea and had changed her middle name to Andrea also.

Things in my office are tumultuous at best....

Seasons Change and So Do I

I get a sinus shabingus every year when the weather turns cold. This is annoying. I have it now and my face hurts. Note: I did not get punched...this time. Tomorrow, I'm really excited about a show that I am doing. Justin Schlegel, Jon Mumma and I are performing for troops at Walter Reed Hospital. Should be a blast.

Watch that video from my last post. If you don't smile, you have no soul.

Everyone View This Right Now

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ecx5RabND0

F*cking spectacular. I played it 10 times. Booyakashot.

I Am Distressed

Sorry for lateness. I cannot muster much today as the Redskins have got me so depressed. Hard to imagine that things would be like this but they are. Here is an excerpt from a post on my Redskins blog:

Are we being tested? Is this a test? What if it has to get so bad to see who sticks it out? Will it be that much better once we win one of these little shabingi (plural of shabingus)?

Also, notation about my whipping boy, Archu-deetoo. I read an ESPN the Mag article about him when he first came into the league. Phenomenal workout warrior and so forth. Did you know the dude refuses to do ANY agility drills? Like 0. He has the new age trainer guy and he only deadlifts stuff. Weird for a guy that needs quickness huh? I know everyone is tired of me saying this but that will go down as the worst signing since The Wizards introduced 'center of the future' Ike Austin. Yeah, I brought up the Wizards. That is how weird it is right now.
I'm on the Wizards blog too with a different name and everything. But now that the Redkins have chanted 'nivum-Shiva' and the dude from Temple of Doom has stopped by my place in Glover Park to take my heart out of chest and hold my still beating organ aloft as hundreds of pigmies shoot blow darts at it as they dance to the fight song that the eagles made up in 1992, I'm feeling a bit empty and strange.

2-5 going into the bye week dudes and Megskin. It is a very real possibility. I just ate my own eyebrows.Last note: I went to a meeting this morning. I am the lowest dude on the pole by a lot. I am staring into space just distraught with my thoughts of wholdman.edu and acarter.org just getting abused, and one of my superiors snaps me back to reality by repeating a question. Everyone is staring at me. I did not hear the question but I go: 'Let me check'. I get up and leave the room and do not return. That is what the Redskins have done to me this year.
Out.

Helping People? Vastly Over-rated

I helped a friend move a HUGE painting last night after I ate a bag of schizenburgers at Topaz. There should absolutely be a law not allowing friends to take advantage of each other like this. All in all, was it really that horrendous? No, but it was without a doubt, a shabingus.

It is always more complicated that advertised when it comes to moving crap.

"It should just take a few minutes."

"It's more awkward than it is heavy...that's why you need 7 of us"

and so forth. Bullcrap.

Listen, from now on, I'll help you, but you just have to be honest with me:

"Listen dude, it is going to be a complete pain in the a$$. I'm only doing it because my wife will not silence herself on this topic and my next 6 months will be a living hell if I don't get this 50 square feet of painted canvas up to my apartment."

I'll do it. Just be honest. Don't hype it down. That needs to be a law. No down-hyping for dudes helping other dudes move things. I should be able to get something in a kangaroo court. Like, the next time I have some kind of pain the a$$...like I have to get my car fixed. He handles it. I tell him, don't worry about it, and then my car is all set. That is how it should work. Otherwise, I think I'm busy that month bruh.

Daniel Tosh is awesome at comedy. He refuses to pander to the crowd and just keeps hammering away with really creative and edgy material. That is all I'm saying about that.

Have a great weekend everybody. Skins 27 Titans 13.

Eh..

Went to Dremos last night. I am so frustrated at this one joke that used to be funny but now needs a new ending for a number of reasons. I cannot end the joke. It is infuriating. I have literally tried 10 different things. I get laughs in the middle/build up and there needs to be a super punchline...I do not have any of those in my bag. I have settled for mediocre and gimmicky because that is how I roll...

I have been having a feud with local radio sports personality, Steve Czaban. He appears on a few programs, most notably, The 'Sports Reporters' on Sportstalk 980. The long and short is, a lot of people didn't like how he called out a local Redskins reporter (who I happen to think does an incredible job). There was some debate and it led to the reporter going on the radio program. On the reporter's Redskins' blog, Czaban and I have been going back and forth the last 2 days on the blog comments. He then referenced them on the air today. I could not call in because I am at work. This is a really long way of saying that I have entirely too much time on my hands. Good healthy debate I think.

I have nothing to do this weekend which is nice but also means I am not getting work as a comic.

One of the dudes who invented youtube is a 27 year old grad student who just got a couple hundred million dollars for his idea. I am 27. I just swallowed my eyelids.

Too many people want to be hard; be easy. - Method Man

Waking Ned Divine's

A few scattered thoughts from my excursion to Sterling last night:

-Ned Divine's is an incredible place. Spacious, nice looking, and a cool staff with hot waitri (plural for waitress)

-Rob Maher is sweet like a caramel apple. He put the shabingus together and had a great bill for night 1.

-I made Justin Shlegel do a joke that he hasn't done in ages. There is a reason he hasn't done it in ages. I don't care. I still love it and want to hug it...the joke.

-I know this is not original, but I hate traffic. A lot. Wow do I hate it. The opposite of what I like. I just don't have the patience. I need to move if I am in my car. My standard move is to not wait it out and continue to take alternative routes with each chose being poorer than the last one. I cannot break myself of this.

-I had egg salad today for lunch. Dangerous gamble for a minimal return.

-Follow me on this one: My special lady friend had adult beverages last night with a special lady friend of my very good friend. The two discussed how 'cute' their respective men were in terms of the nice things they do + odd/quirky behaviors. The last thing I want to do is to take reprehensible actions and be mocked by my boys as I have so rightly mocked others in the past. And yet, I am now clearly competing with my boy for a prize that I don't really want but feel compelled to win because I am extremely competitive. The end result? I bought her something today. I should not be let out of the house unsupervised...seriously

-Some random rumblings about the Transformers movie to be released on July 4, 2007. Transformers = my childhood. Nothing better captures the spirit of my youth than the Transformers. I love them so much and no job, responsibility, obligation, rule or any other element of being a grownup will keep me away from that theater to recapture my youth. I don't care if the movie sucks. I could literally watch each transformer, in turn, transform from robot to vehicle and back for 5 minutes each for 2 hours and leave feeling completely fulfilled. In my humble opinion, people who do not think Transformers were awesome are joyless people-shells without souls...that might have been a bit aggressive.

-Joe Robinson's crowd work is literally a poetic act...

-Go see my boy Kojo Mante opening for Daniel Tosh this week. Tosh is one of my favorite comics working today and is one of the greatest joke writers ever. No exaggeration. He is a being made of thought and concept.

-I am finding more uses for the word 'shabingus' and it is going well.

Bye.

www.wtf.net

Do you ever sleep wrong and wake up unable to turn your head one way? It hurts and is annoying. This is especially true if on your drive into work you have to merge to the left several times. Cripes that honks.

My boys from Auburn got shellacked on Saturday. I call them my boys because they were my pick to play in the title game this year. Note: often times, this is my philosophy for rooting for college football teams. I pick a horse and root to be correct. Very frustrating to me that my horse lost its jockey and had its leg bit off by some rabid coyotes. I thought Auburn was underrated to start the year and they steadily climbed up in the polls as they navigated a filthy SEC schedule and were #2 when Arkansas upset them this weekend. Here were my other calls to start the year:

-Notre Dame is severely overrated. They will lose 3 games and finish barely in the top 20 (looks possible)
-Florida State is being slept on and will be in title contention this year. (not likely after Clemson took them to the woodshed)
-Penn State stinks (they don't stink but are not as good as advertised)
-The SEC will be far and away the best conference with the Big 10 #2. The Pac-10 stinks and will be the worst BCS conference (2/3. Looks like the Big XII is the worst BCS conference right now)
-Calvin Johnson from Georgia Tech is the best player in the country (any arguments on that?)

Those were my calls. The fact that I am wrong about Auburn and FSU is mildly upsetting.

Rocking a show in Sterling tonight with my boy and fellow Redskin devotee, Rob Maher. According to his website, he is the best comic ever. I have to believe that this is true because the internet.com is about truth.

Advice

I was on the 98 rock morning show this AM. I had a really fun time. Thanks to 98 rock, Kirk, Mark, and Spiegel for having me on. Great time hanging out with cool people. Turns out, after much debate, Mr. Ed was not a zebra...

After the radio, I did a quick segment on FOX 45 Baltimore with Jennifer and Patrice. Note: A mint thing is to be on air with two hot chicks talking about yourself.

Here is the advice: If you are planning on leaving the Baltimore area at 9 with the idea of arriving to your job near Washington, DC a little after 10, hit yourself in the face until you pass out. It is not going to happen. It took me 3 hours. No joke. No exaggerations or shenanigans. 3 hours. It was, in point of fact, a shabingus. Also, everyone at your job will be really mad at you because they had to cover for you all morning and you will be viewed as someone that shirks his responsibilities.

8:30 + 10:30 tonight, 8 + 10 on Saturday night.

Spruce

I spruced up the blog a little and not in a sappy tree that grows in moderate climates sort of way. Just little things here and also there to make so that you, the reader, has a more enjoyable experience when you stop in for an average of 48 seconds according to my webstats. I was able to do this because I was bored and because when you are bored, you experiment with things. Like the time in '88 when I walked to Rite Aid and bought 25 Wacky Wall Walkers and threw them all at the wall at the same time. The results were disappointing at best.

Tired of promoting it so, one last time:

Rascals tonight-Saturday with Headliner William Troxler. It will be fun because I am a fun dude.

Yes...Quickly

Sorry, actually kinda busy today randaomly...and also kind of awkwardly.

I was gonna respond to the dude that called out my fantasy football squadron yesterday but I did so in a comment. It is weird to comment on your own blog. I will just say that to have 2 top 10 running backs and 2 top 10 receivers on one fantasy team in a 12 team league is almost impossible to accomplish. I have average to above average QBs (hopefully Hasselback will return to form after an qwful Chicago week. I think we will getting to face those awful NFC West defenses 5 more times). Enough about that.

Come see humor made in Baltimore. I make my first appearance at Rascals this weekend with headliner William Troxler. Note: I made a couple appearances here when it was the Baltimore Improv...ow! why did you hit me?...oh I'm not supposed to say that it was the imp....oh? Really?...OK...right...No I'm taking the pills...No I know what happens when I don't...yes I know you've been though a lot because of me...can we not talk about this now?...yes I'll see you at home.

5 shows, 3 nights, 1 shabingus.

Out.

Rando Calrissian

Random Musings today...after I mention again that I am at Rascals this weekend in Baltimore. Thursday at 8, Friday at 8:30 and 10:30, and Saturday at 8 and 10. Headliner is William Troxler.

-Doing a show next Tuesday with Rob Maher at a place in Sterling. Sterling is far. Like pack provisions far. That is what I would do for Rob Maher.

-The lineup for the new version of york yankees is among the greatest ever assembled. It is just stupid that this is allowed to happen.

-I would rather be super fast than super strong. I think you could help more people.

-Does anyone collect baseball cards anymore? If so, why?

-My boy Jon is now on gchat. Positive change for humanity.

-It is funny that we like hair when it is on our heads but get grossed out when singular hairs are found around the place.

-Everything bagels are easily the most superior variety of bagel. The other kinds are all vying for a consolation prize.

-I am playing golf next Monday. I am terrible at golf. I have not played in many moons and will be atrocious. I am playing in a 4-some and will drag the team down. Part of me enjoys this.

-I am an avid fantasy sports player. An annoying aspect of fantasy sports is when one team has superior players at every position and loses a week. This happened to me this past week. Rundown of my lineup:

QBs Hasselback and Kitna
RBS Edge, Rudi Johnson, and Laurence Maroney
WRs Larry Fitzgerald and Antonio Bryant
TE Kellen Winslow
D Jaguars

That lineup, in a 12 team league should not lose. This week, add in Marvin Harrison and sub out Bryant. I pulled off a trade to make that go. But this past week, somehow, I not only lost, but I got blown out. Weird.

-Being sweaty in work clothes is on of the worst things ever. It is just behind self-righteous people that don't care if they are ruining the fun.

- At one point in my life, I was able to go to school all day, play sports for 3-4 hours, eat whatever I felt like, do homework and squeeze in at least 1.5 hours of playstation a night. Now? I am debating whether or not to go play softball after work because I had a big lunch and am no tired.

- PS3 in 3 weeks

-Why is it so hard to find a place that makes smoothies? This is the era of the smoothie and I have been craving them lately and I cannot find one anywhere. Move this into the top 10 reasons why not living the city stinks.

See you tomorrow.

Whoop Whoop

Thursday through Saturday, I'm featuring at Rascals in Baltimore. The headliner is William Troxler who I don't know anything about other than that he is the headliner. Should be a fun set of shows. That club is one of the best spaces I have ever performed in. Really great spot in a fun and trashy location...

Kidding, I heart Baltimore.

The Redskins won yesterday. I attended the contest and experienced so much joy due to the outcome of the contest. Strangers sharing in something great together. Pretty magical.

I believe that Santanna Moss is a video game character placed here by a higher being that is playing a video game with our lives...the point is that dude is so quick it cannot be real.

Out