Audrey Didn't Do It!

If Audrey Rains, the tightest character on 24, all-around hottie and stand-up honey gave schematics to that chick Collette Singer to sell out our country, I'll do a tripod in traffic.

She's simply too tight to betray the country. My boy Ramsey and I almost puked when that chick dropped her name. Its a set up of some sort. If its not a setup, I will never forgive the Fox network. Ever. It will be like the time I black balled the USA network for taking a scene out of Empire Strikes Back when the aired the Star Wars Trilogy in the summer of '98. Look at her for goodness sakes. Wait...it...yup, it just happened...I have talked myself into adding Audrey Rizzle into the Pantheon of tight honies. She has taken the roster spot of Elisha Cuthbert-Rouhier and will occupy the #3 slot directly behind Jennifer Love Rouhier and Natalie Portman-Rouhier. Kiera Knightly and I are going through some tough times right now after she made that 'Domino' movie and saw me looking at a lot of Kate Beckinsale photos. She'll be back though; you can't fake that kind of bond.

More Filth (Part II):

We left off with me finishing my performance in Gettysburg. I hung out with a few of the kids for a few minutes after the show and then got in my car and departed. My flight was at 8:15 AM the following morning and it was 1:45 AM when I left the 'Burg. Now, I am an idiot. It was St. Patty's Day at 2 AM and it never occurred to me that there would be tons of cops out on the highway. All I could think about was getting home to get some sleep before I got on the plane. I set my cruise control at 82 and was making great time. 82 in a 65 is not so bad. I felt like if there was a cop out, he'd be looking for someone flying down the highway. The problem is that when PA turns into Maryland, the speed limit goes from 65 to 55. 82 in a 55 is bad. I didn't notice the change and shortly after I crossed in MD, sure enough, I got pulled over.

I was speeding, I was guilty, I was fine with it. I ran the risk and I got caught. Cop came up and what happened next was stunning:

Complete Sh*t-Bag Cop (CSBC): "What's the big hurry?"

Me: "I've got a really early flight tomorrow morning. I'm really sorry..."

CSBC: "Know what the speed limit is?"

Me: "Last sign I saw was 65."

CSBC: "That was in Pennsylvania. Once you cross into Maryland its 55."

me: "Oh gosh, I didn't see that. I'm really sorry."

CSBC: "Did you see me?"

Me: (In my head, 'of course I saw you. That's why I didn't slam on the breaks and continued to speed because I love getting tickets...) "No sir I didn't"

CSBC: "Were you just in your own world?"

Me: "No sir. I mean, I saw you once you got behind me..."

CSBC: "Had anything to drink tonight?"

Me: "no sir."

CSBC: "Sure about that?"

Me: "Yes sir."

CSBC: 'Cause I had you on my radar at 80. And then once I got behind you, I paced you at almost 100."

Me: "100?!"

CSBC: "Yep. License and registration."

Me: "Yes sir...(grabbing license and reg.) that's really surprising sir...I had my cruise control on at 80 and..."

CSBC: "Well I guess your cruise control ain't workin' !"

Me: "Well you said you had me at 80 which is what it was set at..."

CSBC: "Son, I paced you at 98. I'll be right back."

I am sitting in shock. The dude is either lying, retarded, or something else. He comes back several minutes later.

CSBC: "Sign here please, its not an admission of guilt. Its a receipt saying you received this ticket. Its for $520 as I had you doing 98 in a 55. You will receive a summons to appear in court and you can choose to contest the ticket at that time......"

He goes on but all I hear is a little song: "Right up your a$$, Right upyoura$$, Right...UP...Your...A$$...RUYA...Hall-leh-RUYA....Hall-leh RUYA...Hall-leh RUUUUUUUYA!"

This dude has literally just potentially ruined my life. I could get my license taken away, have my insurance drop me or worse. Plus the fact that I have to throw a month's rent to Frederick County makes me want to drop the 'People's Elbow' on total strangers. Unreal. I sat there stunned for a few moments.

Me: "Sir...I mean, this is really serious...is there anyway you could give me a ticket for what you had on your radar? I had it set for 80 and I completely realize that that is too fast but I..."

CSBC: "Lotta officers out tonight, you might wanna pull back a bit. Thanks for your cooperation."

Me: "OK. Thank you."

I thanked him. Can you believe that? I thanked the man that just stabbed my face with a scimitar. Unreal. Best case scenario: I have to take a day off from work and go to Frederick (f*cking Frederick! That place is as cool as athlete's foot.) and wait for hours, appear in court and deal with all the BS to get it reduced to a ticket for going 80. Worst case, I still have to go to Frederick, deal with all the BS, the judge will say: "You finished?", I will say: "yes your honor", he will stamp his gavel and indicate that now I have to pay the $520 + court costs, lose my license for 6 months on account of the reckless driving charge, lose my insurance and be unable to get anything reasonable again. And I thanked the sonofab*tch that made it all possible. Wow.

I arrived home at 3:35 and had to get up at 6:30 to make my 8:15 AM flight out of national. I may not have slept much, but at least I was tired. This is all but a prelude...