NFL Free Agency Cinema

Every year, the NFL shuffles the deck and teams get new cards. In this eternal poker game, we all know that each team will again ask for new cards after the season ends. This, my friends, is a metaphor. 4.5 years of college in all your mouthpieces.

Now, some simile action. NFL free agent signings as movies. NFC today, AFC...later.

Giddyup,

Arizona Cardinals: Travis Laboy, Jerame Truman.
Movie: Drillbit Taylor. These signings are sure to snap the Cardinals out of that pesky funk that has only lasted...since I was alive. Paging Neil Lomax...Now I like Owen Wilson, he made Bottle Rocket. I will just say that this doesn't look the flick you need to get involved in coming off a depression/self check out period.

Atlanta Falcons: Erik Coleman, Simon Fraser, Ben Hartsock, Von Hutchins, Rashad Moore, Kindal Moorehead, Chris Redman, Michael Turner
Movie: 'The Hottie and the Nottie'. Paris Hilton is a name. Michael Turner is a name. Doesn't mean I would pay $ to see either. Thanks Mr. Petrino!

Carolina Panthers: Muhsin Muhammad, LaBrandon Toefield, Keydrick Vincent, Landon Johnson, Ricardo Colclough
Movie: 'You Got Served'. Picture this: the entire Carolina Panthers roster, staff, and ownership shows up to a mall parking lot in Tampa. No one else is there to great them. They all look around with confusion until Jake Delhomme finally pipes up: 'I thought we were gonna serve those guys?....Man, f&%# John Gruden!'

Chicago Bears: Marty Booker, Brandon Lloyd.
Movie: 'Epic Movie'. You want to know why those 'movie parody movies' get made? Because someone out there goes to see them. You want to know why underproducing wide receivers get signed every year and then teams are surprised when their knew player quits on them when he gets yelled at for being the most selfish person alive ever? I can't answer that but I hate Brandon Lloyd like I hate bad cheese.

Dallas Cowboys: Zach Thomas
Movie: 'No Country for Old Men'. Get it? Zach Thomas is old! Ha! But seriously, awesome flick for the 1st hour and a half (8 years) but the ending was confused (concussed) and unfulfilling (no playoff wins in 13 years.) Best picture my a$.

Detroit Lions: Dwight Smith, Brian Kelly, Michael Gaines
Movie: 'Police Academy: Mission to Moscow'. You knew it would suck right? You didn't go see a Police Academy in the theater after 3 right? You learned your lesson right? Right!?!?!?

Green Bay Packers:
Movie: 'Semi-Pro'. Has anyone seen Will Ferrell promoting this movie? 2 weeks ago, he was on ESPN, Comedy Central and NBC at the exact same time. BTW, has anyone written anything about Brett Favre's retirement?

Minnesota Vikings: Madieu Williams, Bernard Berrian, Maurice Hicks Thomas Tapeh
Movie: 'Back to the Future Part II'. If we get a lanky receiver and a mobile QB it will produce the same magic. Guaranteed. It's a lock. What's that? Fans of the 1st version don't acknowledge the 2nd? Whoops.

New Orleans Saints: Dan Morgan, Randall Gay, Bobby McCray
Movie: 'Vantage Point'. There are stars, it's a great concept, but you know it won't be as good as advertised. You get a corner off a great team, a great DE, and you upgrade your LB. Anyone think the Saints will have a great D?

New York Giants: Sammy Knight
Movie: 'Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest'. We got the whole gang back together. This one can't miss. See you at 9-7 in the Super Bowl Hangover year.

Philadelphia Eagles: Asante Samuel, Chris Clemens
Movie: 'The Truman Show'. For a while, it cost $20 million to get Jim Carey. The thing is, he wasn't happy doing what earned him the right to get $20 million. He wanted to do other things. Samuels hated that whole 'winning all the time thing'. Sign me up!

San Francisco 49ers: J.T. O'Sullivan, Allen Rossum, Justin Smith, Isaac Sopoaga, Dontarrious Thomas, Deshaun Foster, Isaac Bruce
Movie: 'The Other Boleyn Girl'. Listen, this flick has 2 girls who will be in my perennial top 5 until I expire. There is no chance I see this movie. I would love to have Justin Smith. See where I'm going?

Seattle Seahawks: TJ Duckett, Julius Jones, Jeb Putzier, Mike Wahle
Movie: 'Godfather II'. Michael has to deal with Connie. So too must the Seahawks deal with Sean Alexander. The women must be protected even to the detriment of the family. Get the reference? It's because he falls down and ruins fantasy teams. I hate you Connie Alexander.

St. Louis: Josh Brown, Anthony Becht, Jacob Bell
Movie: 'College Road Trip'. Having Martin Lawrence, who made a name for himself as a filthy comic on Def Jam, starring in Family Comedies makes as much sense as being the 2nd worst team in the NFL bringing in 0 help.

Tampa Bay: Jeff Faine, John Gilmore, Leon Joe, Teddy Lehman, Matt McCoy, Ben Troupe, Jimmy Wilkerson
Movie: 'Funny Games'. A really cool premise but we're missing maybe one more star aren't we? The 9-7 team that should have beaten the Giants is standing pat and bringing in some role players. Nice idea except that their key guys are 87 years old or they are underachieving injury prone young guys. For the record, Naomi Watts is not injury prone.

Washington Redskins:
Movie: 'Zombie Nation'. Why? 2-fold. Fold 1: They brought in nobody, it's like a graveyard. Fold 2: Zombie Nation is rated the #1 worst movie of all time on imdb.com. This heavily flawed team with the worst owner in pro sports re-signed 3 of their own guys. New coach Jim Zorn might be a zombie. No one knows.

Tune in for more later.