An Amazing Story of Amazement

Scene: 12:30 AM, I am leaving the residence of Andy Lopresto after many minutes of dvd editing and computer genius in College Park. I absolutely run through a stop sign. An officer of the law appears out of nowhere and I am pulled over by this officer. Begin tale:

I sit disgusted in my vehicle. Very upset at the prospects of getting another ticket from the state of Maryland after midnight. I am exhausted and just want to go home and go to sleep. After a short time, the PO (police officer) rolls up to my vehicle.

PO: "Good evening."

Me, in my best a$$ kissing voice: "Good evening"

PO: "License and Registration please."

Me: "Yes sir." Begin awkward fumbling for my registration in the glove compartment where I have never once kept any gloves...I have 3 different registrations but none of them are current...more fumbling..."I'm sorry sir, I know I've got it here"...frantic reading...fumbling...sweating..."I'm really sorry...I know I've got it..."

PO: "That's OK..." slightly annoyed...

Finally, I find it and hand it to the PO...

PO: "Do you know why I stopped you?"

Me: "I think so sir, I'm not sure I came to a complete stop at that stop sign back there... I'm really sorry"

PO: "Yes. You sure are sorry..."

I don't know what this means. Begin awkward period where you can't believe it takes that long for the cop to do whatever it is in his car and you just sit there with those super bright lights reflecting off your mirror so you are uncomfortable. Many minutes pass and this sucks. PO returns to my vehicle.

PO: "here's your license and registration back. You a student?"

Me: "No sir."

PO: "Is this your current address here in Virginia?"

Me: "Yes sir."

PO: "What are you doing here?"

Me: "I was visiting the campus sir...a student on south campus?"

PO: "What was y'all doing?"

Me: "He was editing my dvd sir. He's a computer genius and he was helping me out..."

PO: "Doing what? a dvd...what for?"

Me: "I'm a standup comic and he was editing my dvd that I'm going to send out..."

PO...strange gaze on his face...like a math problem is puzzling him...its a word problem...he is angry that there are words in math class..."You got anything on here that I should know about?...Any points or anything?"

Me: "Well actually, yessir I do, I was actually coming back from a show in Gettysburg earlier this year and a Frederick Officer pulled me over and added 20 mph to what I was actually doing and I had no choice but to pay the fine (as a side, f*ck that guy)..."

PO: "Yep...them guys will do that...OK" he walks back to his car.

More waiting begins...I play with the radio...the new Christina Aguliera song is on...it is really really bad...like really bad...how is that possible to leave the studio and say 'yeah...we got it you guys'? Waiting...I glance in the rearview mirror and its hard to tell but it looks like there are now several police vehicles behind me...Panic sets in...do I have any drugs even though I have no idea where to get drugs or where drug people get drugs...Do I have any booze in the car? Its OK, I'm 26. Are there any things that these guys could know that I've done? I did not pay for a 2nd bag of potato chips from a Subway around the year 2000 that I ate and have always felt kinda guilty about...did they track me down? Oh my God...I can't believe it! Why didn't I just pay? I'll tell you why, the line was too long and that subway sucked. Its a huge corporation and they can deal with one less baked lays off their roster...PO approaches again.

PO: "Step out of the car please sir."

Me: "Sir is everything OK?"

PO: "Just step out of the car please."

I am sweating. Fumbling. Terrified. I get out of the car and the lights are brightly shining on me. I am standing awkwardly outside the car. I realize that there are now 8 policemen standing in a semi-circle about 15 feet away from me. I have no idea what is happening...

PO: "You're a standup comic right? You got 3 minutes..."

Me: "What? ...wait...you...what?"

PO: "2:55"

Me: "You want me to tell a joke?" Like right now?"

PO: "2:45..."

I am freaking out. I reach for the force...I realize I am not a jedi...I cannot remember any of my jokes...the clock is ticking...I finally think of one and go into material...I get laughs...in fact, I crushed. They liked it.

PO: "OK Mr...(Looks at my last name...) uhhhhh Kirk (my middle name), I see you got a brithday coming up. This is your early present. Stop at the stop signs in College Park. Have a good night."

Me: "OK, thank you sir. Have a great night....I really appreciate it."

That's all for me, you guys have been great!