Beaten Men

First, I just rode the elevator with an idiot. How do I know he was an idiot? Good question Jim. I know he was an idiot because we rode the elevator from the 11th floor all the way down to G2. Upon arrival at G2 (which is 2 levels underground) he says: 'Wait, where's the lobby?...The first floor?'

5 second pause.

"Uh...1..."

-"Ohhhh. All right..."

I backed away and hung my head in shame for humanity. The first floor is starred dude. Some buildings, it can be weird: "Is it 1 is it L? This is anarchy!"

Not in our building. The 1 has the star. Not complicated. Look for the star and you'll be all set. If you can't figure this out, you should have to stay at home under supervision because you are a danger to yourself and others...

Next topic:

I hate going to the grocery store. I hate everything about it. Its always crowded when I can go, parking is always a b*tch with a cold sore, waiting in lines to pay for your goods is about as painful as watching a reality show in room full of 10 girls who were all in the same sorority in college, and the final bad aspect is my complete inability to make a decision about what I would like to eat at that moment and beyond. Further, toting the groceries back to my place, making several trips to get it all inside, putting the groceries away, then actually cooking the food I have bought, being unhappy with the results because I half-a$$ed the cooking, then cleaning the cookware, putting the cookware back in its place, and then feeling unfulfilled because I've had to eat the same thing 4 days in a row because its what I bought, that all sucks too. I'd rather just order something, save myself the PIA tax (pain in the a$$ tax) and pay the extra $3 to eat something good and watch Sportscenter while its being prepared off site. Utterly baffling to me why others don't feel this way.

There is one redeeming quality to the grocery store though. One. That quality is this: Couples shopping together where the man is mentally beaten into thinking that this is somehow a good idea. The poor bastard has been brainwashed into being excited about something that is not exciting. You can watch them walk the aisles together. She is completely in control and she lets him feel occasionally empowered by entertaining his ideas but she has a clear vision of what is happening and he is a mere object to that end.

Man - "Hey hon, here's some chicken on sale. Do you want to get some chicken? "

Woman- "Well when are we going to eat it?"

Man - "Maybe on Wednesday night? We could make some chicken on the grill and have some salad. Do you want to make a salad?"

Woman - "We're not going to eat all the chicken on Wednesday though. When else would you want to eat it?"

Man - "Well I could just make it all and then we could have leftovers for sandwiches. That would be good."

Woman - "We bought cold cuts last time and you didn't eat all of them and we had to throw the rest away. I need you to predict what you want to eat for the next 7 days at every meal so we can shop accordingly."

Man - "Wait...where am I? What's happening? Who are you?!! What am I doing here? Help! Help!"

Woman, takes a small remote out of her Ann Taylor functional black purse, turns the dial 1/4 to the right. A small shock is emitted based in the man's groin and quickly moves to the brain.

Man - "Ooooh hon, look, its that vinaigrette dressing that we had at Bob and Sherry's that time. Wanna get some for the salad?"

Woman smiles dryly - "Yeah, I mean, if you want to..."