Satellite and the Bachelor

Tonight, Warehouse Next Door, Satellite, the hotness, 1021 7th Street, www.dccomedyfest.com for tickets, sentence fragments for emphasis. Show will be amazing. Stand-up, sketch, improv, mirth, booze. Come to the show and enjoy the little dance that we call comedy.

I saw my first episode of 24 last night. Entertaining. The people who do that show are smart. They know they only have a limited number of good actors on the show and those are the only ones who get to talk for more than 10 seconds at a time. Next time you watch, you can figure out who they don't believe in by how quick they edit/cut a scene. That dude Curtis, the CTU leader, every scene he is in goes very quickly whereas Keifer Sutherland gets much longer scenes because he is good. A couple of gripes about last night:

1) when a hostage situation is resolved after a forced incursion by a counter terrorist team, the soldiers and hostages don't just hang out at the scene as they did on the show last night. The hostages are quickly ushered away to another location and the area is secured. Read a Tom Clancy novel dude. Seriously. Everyone was sort of hanging out in the terminal like it was an office cocktail party just shooting the sh*t. False. No chance. They get everyone out of there and secure the entire airport to be sure its safe; especially when the hostiles were wearing explosives that can be remotely detonated. Really upset about this and I shouldn't be. It shouldn't have happened, you're better than that Fox. Shake the tail when you walk.

2) I don't care who you are and/or what you're agenda is, you can't walk into the first lady's room and hold a rag over her face until she passes out and then steal something from her bra and roll out. The president could do that maybe, but that's it. Otherwise, someone's going to notice. By the way, I've always wanted to do that to someone. I've never had a cause or the means to do it, just think its really badass to do it. Only badasses do it. If you get caught, you can't explain that away so you really have to be committed. I've never been that committed to anything.

After 24, my friend Lucie, had us all watch the Bachelor on ABC. She, and every other girl in America, loves this show. I was forwarded an email this morning with an in depth rundown of all the characters and a blow by blow of the episode. The level of intensity was shocking. The show takes a good looking dude and dresses him really well. This guy happens to be an idiot but that doesn't seem to matter. They are in Paris which freaks out every girl on the show and every girl watching. I've been to Paris. I expected to get off the plane and fall in love instantly while sipping wine and champagne while looking at art and losing a military conflict. Didn't happen. Awesome city, but easy chicks, easy. Take a little calm it down with the tai food you ordered for the show OK. Yeah, right behind the excedrin is some calm it down; take it after you eat 5 bites of your pad thai/steamed vegetables.

Girls love this show for several reasons:

1) Judging. The sheer volume of judgment that takes place is striking. The girls on the show are thoroughly evaluated and belittled. Things like: "OK, why is she wearing shorts with those hooker boots?" are stated. Men watching in the same room are left bewildered as their testosterone is stolen from them...

2) The fairy-tale element. Goes along with the judging. Ladies imagine themselves in the same situation competing with the other girls. They may pretend by saying things like: "I would never go on the show...". Lies, yes you would. Even the most sensical and grounded female would do it in a heartbeat. She would fill out the application with something like: 'My question is, why hasn't the bachelor found me?'

3) Competition. Shows like this prove my theory. This guy can do fine on his own because he's a good looking dude, but his personality might turn off a lot of solid chicks. Here's the most simple fact. Ready? Girls want guys that they think other girls want. Forget all the stuff you read about: 'sensitive', 'sense of humor', 'smart' or anything else you might see in a magazine. They want to win. They want to beat the other women to the guy that they think the other women want. This show is an amazing example. Every chick on the show gets worked into a frenzy about a fairy tale and about how they 'melted' when he looked at them. Do you think if she was with her friends at a bar and he came up out of the blue it would be the same? No chance. But you watch these girls compete and the dude turns into something super-human as they talk him up and make snide comments to each other as they all try and guess who he likes best. Really amazing. Can I get an anthropologist on this? Consulting fees man. Hook me up. Comedy doesn't pay sh*t.

The only one of these shows that I ever really liked was Joe Millionaire. It was sort of a 'look at how awful these women are' type of show where they got a total buffoon who could barely put together more than a sentence without saying the word 'neat' and every woman on the show talked about him being the one. Good times.

Come to the show tonight. Its gonna be outstanding. Satellite. Recognize.