Redemption Song...

On the plus side, Monday nights are my own again. 24 will no longer have a choke hold on my schedule. The deuce hour finale last night was rated a 14 on the mintness scale (as a side, 14 is the best number you can have. The formula is complicated. For example, 88 is a terrible # because Michael Irvin wore it and he cheated every time he caught a pass but 44 is a mint # because John Riggins wore it and he destroyed men).

Elements of tightness:

1) Robocop knew how to de-program the missile launch codes on a Russian submarine. Again, was Robocop tighter than Jack Bauer? Whammy.

2) Jack Bauer giving Robocop the gun with the empty chamber and then executing the 'double tap' wherein Robocop esta muerto. (I would stipulate that Robocop would have been able to tell that the clip was empty by the weight and he would have checked because of his tightness but it worked fine on the show)

3) The neck-scissor move on Bierko by Bauer made me want to bring children into this world so that they too could enjoy the fruits of tightness. I screamed outloud like when a shaolin monk does a Buddhist Palm to a dude's chest and dude dies and all you can do is scream if you're the monk because you executed such a filthy move and people saw it and now they know they can never step to you ever and you now have the ultimate rep because of the tightness of your maneuver.

4) 1st Lady Martha Logan (Mogan) duping President Logan (Progan) was tight. As soon as Jack Bauer was apprehended, my boy Ramsey goes: "He put a device on the pen". We're all like: "No, it was the cell phone"...Rams was on point right there. It was an incredible 24 hours for Mogan. She went from druggie in exile, to almost killed in a limo, to capping a crooked secret service dude, to hating Progan, to druggie in exile, to boning Progran to stall for time, to getting threatened by her husband, to be the hero of the season. Wow. Kudos Mogan, you proved your worth. Although, I must say, there were many times this season where I could have done just as well without 'Sally Slow Down' on screen. Still, she goes and does something like this...and totally redeems herself!

5) Chloe O'brien made the 'Chloe O'Brien face' 1.7 million times at last count during this season. it involves an awkward positioning of the shoulders in a super-tense position and then a combo 'Renee Zelwigger mousey scrunch face' with the 'I just smelled a fart but I can't say anything face'. Chloe was on point last night. Handled the situation. I like her and I miss Edgar.

6) Less than 2 hours after Audrey Rizzle lost a gallon of blood, she was out in a white blouse with a black bra. Memorandum to everyone: That is hot. Some would consider it 'trashy'. Stop judging.

7) The 'Mr. Bauer, you've got a call from your daughter' was suspect. Who was she calling? "Hello, Federal Marshall's hotline, yeah, my father is a covert secret agent who I walked away from earlier today with an uber-sensitive douche...yeah, he was supposed to be dead but now he's back and he's been handling stuff all day...yeah, I know its really early in the morning and no one my age gets up at 6:50 AM and decides to call their father who they told to get out of their life 12 hours before...no, I know its weird...can you just locate him for me even though the fact he's alive is totally classified and then send the call to a land line in an awkward warehouse? Sure, I'll hold..." Not so sure about that. I don't like it when men of tightness are duped by simple things. I knew the call to be false instantaneously and I am not as tight as Jack Bauer (this dude was in the luggage area of the plane and grabbed some chords and was steering it 3 hours ago...).

8) My friend Lucie goes: 'Its the Chinese...' and it was. When the lead guy starts talking to Jack Bauer, who has been beaten within an inch of his life, my boy Quinn goes: "Who's that?" I go: "David Lo Pan". Quinn goes: "I don't get it". I go: "Shutup Mr. Burton! You were not brought upon this world to get it." One of those perfect storm moments when everything just comes together and a movie quote is perfectly placed. Its the type of thing you dream about. If you don't get it, go here.

Out.