Winter Olympics Are Untight

I wasn't sure until this year that I disliked the Winter Olympics. But now I'm sure. Here are my issues (I'm going for more concise blogs in honor of February, the most concise month):

1) Such a small percentage of the world's countries even have the means to play a lot of these sports. The Olympics are a festival of competition of the games the world plays not a set of exhibitions for Scandinavians.

2) The amount of sports they keep adding. Kind of stunning. The X games will soon be obsolete as the winter Olympics has taken all the sports. Half pipe? Something called 'vert'? I like watching these things because they are different but they are American recreational inventions. Not international sports with tradition and roots. Again, I actually enjoy these things but they should be left to ESPN ocho

3) The amount of sports with judges (including the above). Any sport with 'artistic performance' should be taken out back and beaten. Even cool things like snowboarding are basing winners and losers off of some kind of subjective criteria. To me, people snow board and do other things like it to get away from the standard in the box competition. Hanah Teter, who is a filthy snowboarder, said in an ESPN the Mag interview that snowboarding was about expression and feeling free. So feel free to try and judge that on some superficial 'technical element' scale. Who are the judges? How do they get picked?

4) Figure Skating. Several things here:
-the gear these little sprites rock is getting more and more terrible
-the fact that these men and women can actually do some really amazing stuff on the ice but they are restricted to these 'required elements'. Every routine is very similar in its major elements and the only difference between them is what happens in between the triple axles, lutzes, and toe loops. These guys could do so much more. They can flip. Did you know that? There is no limit to the creativity that is possible but the sport, which is supposed to be about artistic expression, doesn't let them do it. Atrocious.
-the fact that no matter how they do, the competitor goes to the middle of the ice and curtsies and bows and waves at the crowd and solicits cheers. Can you imagine this in another sport? a dude that falls and is going to lose soliciting cheers because: "I tried and you are here so cheer for me"? Imagine a baseball player striking out in the world series and going back into the on-deck circle and waving at the crowd and them throwing flowers onto the field so the bat boys have to pick them up and over-excited announcers are moved to talk about all he's overcome just to be here. Terrible
-the announcers for this event are smug, judgmental, little bleeding hearts. I cannot listen to them. Lines like: "Tonight: be wary of Weir!" or "He is truly the prince of Russia tonight". The color guys use words like 'powerful' and 'aggressive'; when any power and aggression has really been sucked out of them by the nature of the event.
-again, the stuff they do is actually pretty amazing. Really hard to skate, let alone spin around and jump and stuff. We would have something if only they could rid this debacle of all the BS that these guys do between moves. They are judged on their flare. I can't go on. It just sucks too much...

5) They put figure skating on prime time! See #4 NBC. You are the worst

6) The manufactured 'stars' of the US teams. Apolo Anton Ono or whoever, he's a hero to the other 25 speed skaters in America until he get beat in the opening heat. Resident bad boy with hype to spare Bode Miller hasn't done squat. All these manufactured stories haven't done squat and its annoying. Some day, there will be an Olympics on demand where I will get to watch the events without human interest stories and I will get to watch the whole event without cutaways. Who will I root for without the stories?...maybe the f*cking American that's who.

7) The coverage. A few Olympics back, they figured out that more women watch the WO than men. Duh. So now, they drop in on someone's story so that you will want to follow them. Its really pathetic. They put together a montage of the athlete looking off into the distance, a parent talking about how determined their little athlete was, and insert adversity....music fade up...change music pace...and...show event highlights to show overcoming obstacle...finish with voice-over of how he/she is ready/lucky to be here and won't forget it. Scene. Its a shallow single serving athletic chick flick. I will stand by this forever: the drama of the games themselves is always enough. The biggest stage, the best in the world, the depth of the moment: if you are watching and you can't get into it, go back to watching Lost/Grey's Anatomy/Project Runway.

That's it for now. Man I am so pissed off at these games. I wish Al Queda had a hockey team so we could go all 1980 on them and sh*t (I see you Jeff Maurer you beautiful little genius you. When I become good, you shall write for my show and only the smart shall giggle.)

Oh yeah, doing a show at the State Theater in Falls Church on Saturday night. http://www.thestatetheater.com

Show is with my boy Chip Franklin and Mike Aronin (Never seen him but have been told he's funny). Come see it or you will be labeled stupid and dumb.