Wedding Crashers

My boy Mike O'Connor continues to pitch well for the Nationals. He has not given up more than 3 runs in any start this year. Pretty awesome. His record stands at 2-3 and he has an ERA of 3.00. That is how you keep yourself in the bigs. View knowledge here:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/05/29/AR2006052901035.html/

Below is FunnyDanny's helpful guide to huge weddings in Atlanta when one of your best friends that you've known since you were 5 gets married.

1) It will be 1000 degrees when you stand in your suit and white dinner jacket at the front of the church during the wedding. You will drip sweat off your fingers and glisten for the entire group assembled. I am asking for the start of a movement. I've had enough of this. Memorandum to all churches and weddings: Jack up the AC so that men don't die. Even dudes that weren't under the spotlight were sweating profusely. Place a little sentence on every RSVP card: "Attention ladies, bring a wrap as the temperature in the church is going to be cool...like movie theater in the 80s cool so that the dudes don't sweat through their clothes and feel uncomfortable for the rest of the night."

2) Why is #1 a big deal? here's why: I almost fainted. I was up there, under the heat lamps with 1000 blow torches in my tux, pouring sweat. The priest was in the midst of several prayers. After one particular amen, I raised my head thinking he was done. As I lifted my head, I saw those little black stars you see when you get up to fast or have been hit in the head, my knees buckled, and I took a half step back. I caught myself and hit a bridesmaid's shoulder. 'That's how I pray' I told her later.

3) You will eat some of the most wondrous food throughout the weekend. Everything will be fried and be extremely tasty. You will feel like a sloth upon completion of the weekend.

4) You will be drunk for 3 straight nights

5) You will get a funny sunburn pattern on your face

6) Everyone will compliment you about the job you did as the emcee of the toasts and speeches (speeches, happy now JL you spell-checking ba$tard). You will have done a good job and are worthy of their praise. You will begin to brainstorm about the possibilities of turning this into a business. You will realize its not really possible, but a nice idea.

7) Your roommate on the trip will be one of your best friends in from LA. He will at one point debate going out in a pony tail. You will do your best to remain calm...

8) You will have an absurd after party in the hotel bar where the bartender will speak little to no english and take an eternity to fill drink orders but you won't care because you are drunk and mirthful.

9) All of your boys will make the trip and be part of filth.

10) A circle will form around you. You will be called upon to dance. You will do so because you are a dancer. Others will join. Your boy will do the worm...picture it...yesssssss.

11) You will hope that said display was videotaped and that you are able to acquire it.

12) On the way home in the car, you will analyze ever aspect of the wedding. You will realize that it was incredibly mirthful on such a large scale. Your friend Lucie will ride in the back seat and not participate for the majority of the car ride.

13) You will have soreness and not be able to explain the cause.

14) You'll be broke and Rory will have to pay for your lunch today.

Congratulations Michel and Steele! We all had an amazing time.

Blog in Brief

Last night, we had the rehearsal dinner for my boy Michel. It was incredible. I emceed the speeches and toasts. I crushed. My best set since January at Dremos where I talked to a fat girl who wouldn't stop talking and everyone got that she was being made fun of and she didn't.

When a dude goes to a public urinal and pulls his pants all the way down to his ankles and goes potty, its called a "DC Flyer". I saw this in person last night. Say what you want about the south but...that's it actually. Say whatever you want.

I recovered a dude's credit card that he had left behind at the bar. It was a good thing to do. He goes: "yyuuuuuu...rrrrr...the f****kkkkking man! Brother...you're the f*cking dog! Lemme buy you a f*cking drink!"
I go: "I already bought a couple on your card. Thanks ______ ______"

Weddings were tons of your friends are present are joyous. Fact.

Blog Hiatus

I shall not be blogging again until Tuesday, May 30th. I journey this evening to the ATL for my boy Michel's wedding. The wedding is going to be huge and tons of my buddies will be in attendance.

Predictions:

Mirth, filth, 1 hospital visit, lots of finger foods, awkward hitting on southern honies, suspect game by reasonable dudes, 2 irrevocable stains, 4 safety pins in play, at least 1 pantheon hangover, at least 3 lost or broken cufflinks, and 1 inexplicable smell.

I bid you all adieu until Tuesday. If you have XM radio, my boys Rory Scovel and Ryan Conner will be on it Friday night at 10:30. I'm on there every once in a while too but not this show because I had a crappy set on the show that they recorded. And by crappy, I mean that I killed and am really hurt they didn't pick me also.

Recap on Tuesday. Holler

Redemption Song...

On the plus side, Monday nights are my own again. 24 will no longer have a choke hold on my schedule. The deuce hour finale last night was rated a 14 on the mintness scale (as a side, 14 is the best number you can have. The formula is complicated. For example, 88 is a terrible # because Michael Irvin wore it and he cheated every time he caught a pass but 44 is a mint # because John Riggins wore it and he destroyed men).

Elements of tightness:

1) Robocop knew how to de-program the missile launch codes on a Russian submarine. Again, was Robocop tighter than Jack Bauer? Whammy.

2) Jack Bauer giving Robocop the gun with the empty chamber and then executing the 'double tap' wherein Robocop esta muerto. (I would stipulate that Robocop would have been able to tell that the clip was empty by the weight and he would have checked because of his tightness but it worked fine on the show)

3) The neck-scissor move on Bierko by Bauer made me want to bring children into this world so that they too could enjoy the fruits of tightness. I screamed outloud like when a shaolin monk does a Buddhist Palm to a dude's chest and dude dies and all you can do is scream if you're the monk because you executed such a filthy move and people saw it and now they know they can never step to you ever and you now have the ultimate rep because of the tightness of your maneuver.

4) 1st Lady Martha Logan (Mogan) duping President Logan (Progan) was tight. As soon as Jack Bauer was apprehended, my boy Ramsey goes: "He put a device on the pen". We're all like: "No, it was the cell phone"...Rams was on point right there. It was an incredible 24 hours for Mogan. She went from druggie in exile, to almost killed in a limo, to capping a crooked secret service dude, to hating Progan, to druggie in exile, to boning Progran to stall for time, to getting threatened by her husband, to be the hero of the season. Wow. Kudos Mogan, you proved your worth. Although, I must say, there were many times this season where I could have done just as well without 'Sally Slow Down' on screen. Still, she goes and does something like this...and totally redeems herself!

5) Chloe O'brien made the 'Chloe O'Brien face' 1.7 million times at last count during this season. it involves an awkward positioning of the shoulders in a super-tense position and then a combo 'Renee Zelwigger mousey scrunch face' with the 'I just smelled a fart but I can't say anything face'. Chloe was on point last night. Handled the situation. I like her and I miss Edgar.

6) Less than 2 hours after Audrey Rizzle lost a gallon of blood, she was out in a white blouse with a black bra. Memorandum to everyone: That is hot. Some would consider it 'trashy'. Stop judging.

7) The 'Mr. Bauer, you've got a call from your daughter' was suspect. Who was she calling? "Hello, Federal Marshall's hotline, yeah, my father is a covert secret agent who I walked away from earlier today with an uber-sensitive douche...yeah, he was supposed to be dead but now he's back and he's been handling stuff all day...yeah, I know its really early in the morning and no one my age gets up at 6:50 AM and decides to call their father who they told to get out of their life 12 hours before...no, I know its weird...can you just locate him for me even though the fact he's alive is totally classified and then send the call to a land line in an awkward warehouse? Sure, I'll hold..." Not so sure about that. I don't like it when men of tightness are duped by simple things. I knew the call to be false instantaneously and I am not as tight as Jack Bauer (this dude was in the luggage area of the plane and grabbed some chords and was steering it 3 hours ago...).

8) My friend Lucie goes: 'Its the Chinese...' and it was. When the lead guy starts talking to Jack Bauer, who has been beaten within an inch of his life, my boy Quinn goes: "Who's that?" I go: "David Lo Pan". Quinn goes: "I don't get it". I go: "Shutup Mr. Burton! You were not brought upon this world to get it." One of those perfect storm moments when everything just comes together and a movie quote is perfectly placed. Its the type of thing you dream about. If you don't get it, go here.

Out.

Funny Danny's guide to Shooting a Commercial

As I mentioned, I shot a commercial yesterday. If all goes according to plan, many shall witness it. Not spoiling what it was for or why they picked me but, suffice to say, the occurrence was mirthful and I believe the product shall be tight upon completion which will lead to airtime which will lead to people thinking that I am tight or the biggest D-bag in the history of life. Either way, television b*tches.

Points of information:

1) You will have to go to the bathroom 37 times. At least, I had to. I am unable to explain this and I assume that everyone experiences this when they shoot a commercial because I am very self-centered.

2) Its helpful to have a tight director/producer named Jim Jones be responsible for the commercial shoot. Jim is the hotness. He recognizes the humor and also sees that others have the humor and allows said humor to come forth. This leads to mirth.

3) The commercial shoot will take several hours. Many people will constantly be upset with you for screwing around...They will not have patience with you because you are ADD and even less when you tell them you are a comedian.

4) Lunch will be pizza

5) There will be a girl that looks like a combination of Jasmine Guy and Flora from the Real World. She will be very nice and think you are funny and she will know that she looks like both women got together for some Brundle-style gene-splicing (reference to 'The Fly'. Jeff Goldblum's 3rd greatest role. Behind the awkward nerdy dude in Jurassic Park and the television voice for 'Duke Nukem' on the new Captain Planet). I have attached pictures of both women at the top of the page. Imagine them combining...do it now...I'll wait...

6) If you are a woman and you live near Bethesda, there is a super game tight stylist you must see. Fact. She is hot and her name is Heather. Salon Central. 301 767 1077. Look them up and go there. She is mint.

7) You will wear makeup and be uncomfortable doing so. Heather will make it so that its OK

You should now be able to shoot a commercial. Hope this guide was helpful.

Last tidbit: The hyatt show on Saturday night was unbearably awesome. Memo to the universe: if you can go somewhere and see Jon Mumma, Rory Scovel, Jared Stern, Ryan Conner, and Danny Rouhier, you go there and you see them.

I Was in A Commercial That You Will See

I will recap fully tomorrow. Suffice to say, I am tight and so is the series of commercials we shot. Word

Politics and Prose

I am a political dude. I majored in political science and have opinions on anything you can imagine. My exceptionally liberal friend sent me the following link to a chart which demonstrates some of the changes in the political pulse of the country. http://www.surveyusa.com/50State2006/50StatePres060515Net.htm

It basically illustrates that an awful lot of people are pretty unhappy with the Republican party and President Bush. I can certainly understand that. The most glaring thing to me on this chart are the 'red' states that supported Bush have turned on him so dramatically.

What I don't really like is how short-sighted a lot of people are. Its unfair to try and judge the impact an administration has had while its still in office. One can of course disagree with policy decisions, personnel decisions, and the like but to try and classify an administration while its still in office is fruitless. Because our system is incremental (small changes over time instead of the wildly swinging regimes of other countries) its very difficult to measure how an administration has done without significant time passing.

I've heard many Democrats now discuss the Clinton era like its some sort of utopian golden age for America. They point to a budget surplus, no wars where the US has made huge commitments (I would debate this but that's what they say), low gas prices, an economic boom etc. The Clinton era, in my mind was responsible for a lot of good (I am a huge free-trader ergo, NAFTA was mint, and Clinton also reformed welfare). It is my prediction that he changed the Democratic party by separating from several core constituencies and forcing them to move to the center. In 50 years, we will have seen a dramatic shift in Democrats and we will point to the Clinton era as the beginning of that shift.

Which constituencies? Great question reader. He straight up abandoned his factory workers (auto workers and such) with NAFTA. Basically, he gave the green light to outsource cheaper labor to drive down costs. The result? It keeps consumer confidence high and prices down so we keep spending $ which drives our economy. The other result? We have an enormous boom in illegal immigrants as our borders are more open than ever and they are willing to take the cheapest jobs. The point is, there are bi-products that always get passed onto the next administration. Now, Bush is stuck with a mess that Clinton left for him but because it didn't happen under Clinton, Bush gets the blame.

To be clear, I am not a Bush fan. There's a lot I don't like about him. Amidst all the bumblings of his administration, I still think he has gotten a raw deal. Follow me on this. A lot of people are upset about our involvement in Iraq, and justifiably so. Its never pleasant to be at war. But, think about this: would we be there now if Clinton had been more aggressive in the foreign policy department? The answer is no.

The thing that people forget is that for all his ability as a hands on domestic president, drawing people together as a communicator even while taking less than popular stances, Clinton was as soft internationally as any president we have ever had. He had shots at bin Laden, he had chances to take down Saddam, he pulled back on defense spending by almost 1/3; basically, he created the climate that we deal with today. If you doubt me, read Ghost Wars by Washington Post editor Steve Coll. Clinton had his chances but was too much of a wuss to take them.

I guess I got sidetracked. The point is that Democrats need to simmer down when talking about the golden years of Clinton and criticizing Bush for dealing with what was left for him. Clinton enjoyed the boom cycle of our cyclical economy and sacrificed international clout and security for cheaper gas prices. We're paying for that now. Also, when the Democrats sweep into office starting this year, I'm anxious to see where we go. I hope they can get on the same page.

And scene...

Bethesda Hyatt tomorrow night. 8PM. 7400 Wisconsin Ave. Good talk

Road Trippin

Fun times yesterday driving to and from Richmond with Kojo Mante, Andy Haynes and Rory Scovel. Driving places by yourself honks but road tripping with comedy buddies is mirthful and should be done be others.

Also, trying to win a comedy contest and having to go first is like hitting on a hot girl with her boyfriend standing next to her with his hand on her buttocks. Its going to be ugly and its pointless to even try. Its better to make a mockery of the situation and talk about the dude's metrosexual classic oxford button-down with the extra button undone to reveal some fake-tanning and trimmed chest hair...

I just checked on this, and the show lineup on Saturday night at the Hyatt is the greatest comedy lineup in this history of comedy shows ever created since the beginning of people doing activities started when the humans outlasted the dinosaurs in a power struggle that was turned to humanity by the advent of gunpowder by the Chinese and air supremecy from the Wright Brothers who are from Ohio.

Jon Mumma
Rory Scovel
Ryan Conner
Danny Rouhier

Congratulations Mummer!

Congrats to my boy Jon Mumma. He won the DC Improv Open Mic Contest Finals last night. He had an awesome set and deserves all the credit in the world for working really hard to become an awesome comic.

Rory Scovel and myself are headed down to Richmond for another competition. I don't know much about it but I do know that if Rory wins and I lose, I'm not going to talk to him on the ride back. He can have air conditioning but I can't.

I realize I have not done a 24 blog this week. Jared Stern covered everything much better than I ever could have said it yesterday. His Star Wars analogy is apt! APT I tell you!

My boy Ramsey brought up the following (albeit during the show over dialogue) wondrous debate. He threw this out there:

Robocop is tighter than Jack Bauer.

Robocop has escaped several times, refuses to fold under questioning even with pounds of substances that make mortals fold, and, in this past episode, Jack busted up the tight game that Robocop had going on that Molina (Bierko's boy). I don't have an answer. Can't they both be tight?

I predicted to my boy Justin Schlegel last week that Bierko would become a kind of ally as he would realize that Progan set him up and want to take him out. It seems I was wrong about that as Bierko now has control of a submarine with missiles that blow up city blocks.

Shoot the presidential compound big dog. Come on, do it. Take out the first lady and Progan. You know you want to. Come on...come on...

While it would honk that Aaron Pierce would have to die in this explosion, its a small price to pay for the 1st lady of pills to be taken out.

Last thought. My girl Audrey Rizzle, has her vein split open and loses 1 million pints of blood an d*mn near dies. Within an hour and a half, she's back on the floor looking tight. Big Ups and such.

Este Noche

I'm at the DC Improv tonight. I'll be performing a guest set at the end of the Finals of the Open Mic Competition. The show will be awesome as there are several of the best young comics in the country on the show and I will make it more awesome with my awesomeness at the end. Check out www.dcimprov.com for details and awesomeness.

Tix ar $12 and there are still a few available. Get them and then come to the show and then laugh.

Holler

Ohio Gozimas

I was in Ohio this past weekend featuring at the Funny Farm Comedy Club for headliner Andy Hendrickson. Andy is an awesome dude, a great comic, and a booze hound. I had a great time hanging out with him and engaging in filthy dancing maneuvers. Andy has a fancy pants camera and he took some video of me dancing after I drank 40,000 beers. Note: Your Funny Danny is a fantastic dancer. Like haha funny? No seriously, I am fantastic. It was kinda dark but I think he's gonna be able to put the footage on the internet.com so look out for that shizzle.

As I mentioned, I drank the entire state of Ohio on Friday night. There were a few shots involved in addition to the sea of beers I drank. I was absosmurfly hammered. I passed the level of 'Invincible Drunk' and moved to 'Possible Prophet'. Have you ever been so drunk that you invent a religion? I think I did on Friday night. I remember getting up on a barstool and getting everyone's attention. Next thing I remember, I woke up and there were 5 men standing around my bed wearing robes, top hats, and moccasins, listening to MC Hammer on their Ipods...I started that...we worship dance moves...

I had the laziest Saturday on record. I was so hungover that everything sounded disgusting. I call this 'the yucks'; where everything sounds too gross to do. This tired me out so I took a nap. 5/13/06...ranks as the 8th least productive day of my life behind the first 3 days after I was born, the day after the bar crawl sophomore year of college, the day the Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time came out on N64 and I played it for 22 of the 24 hours, the day after my x told me she was having feelings for her x and I played a super sweet game of 'doubt yourself', and the day I went 0 for 6 and made 3 errors including one that cost us the game and everyone of my teammates gave me the 'Seriously? Dude...seriously?' look.

I'm doing a guest set at the DC Improv Contest Finals on Tuesday. Should be awesome because that show is awesome. Check out the info at www.dcimprov.com. Wednesday, some other comics and me are doing this thing in Richmond. Sounds cool. Saturday night, I'm at the Bethesda Hyatt because I'm like that. One.

New Layout

3 of my 8 readers have commented on the new layout. Its new and its a layout. Those are its best features. I was having some kind of weird issue yesterday with publishing so in trying to fix it, I irrevocably screwed up everything. I don't mean like, 'the fonts are strange'. I mean like, 'Dr. Emmit Brown is talking about the end of the space/time continuum type stuff'.

I detonated the old, and chose a new design. One that makes it look like I'm going to write about cooking and comment on why 'everyone is so stupid'. Sample blog:

"Why is everyone so f*(&*(^*Cking stupid? If I had wanted mustard on my mother f*(&*(cking hot dog I would have asked for it. Why the f^&*^&ck does everyone like mustard?"

Stuff like that.

Headed to Youngstown Ohio this weekend to do some shows with headliner and tennis player Andy Hendrickson. The shows are at the Funny Farm Comedy Club and should be the best shows on record for Senor Swing State.

Final thought: Something big is in the works. I cannot say what it is because I don't even know but I do know that the loser can never look the winner in the eye again without feeling shame. Shame like when a clown at a birthday party gets pantsed...

I Hit A Woman With My Car

Yup. I did. This morning, coming to work, I was inching forward...looking left...
waiting for traffic to pass...inched forward...looking left...
inch forward...look right...nothing...look left...cars coming...inch...inch...right...nothing...let...cars...inch...
right...nothing...left...inch...Clear...oh SH*T!

A woman was crossing in front of me. She was literally 6 inches from the front of my car. The crosswalk was well behind me. She passed in front of my car. When it was clear, I moved about 4 feet before I stopped. She was 6 inches from my car when I started. This means I hit her if you can't visualize it. Instead of going onto the hood as you'd expect, she literally bounced off my car went into the air and landed 2 feet in front of my car. Which means she traveled almost 6 feet sideways and landed on her feet. I'm not rocking a porsche, so the acceleration wasn't melting my face off, but still, solid impact.

I get out of the car, completely freaked out. Conversation here:

Me: "Oh my God, are you OK?"

Lady that had just been hit by a CAR! (LTHJBAC!): ".......Ummmmm, (patting herself on the legs and arms like she lost her car keys) yeah...I...Yeah"

Me: "Oh my God, I am so sorry! Are you sure that...I mean you're OK?"

LTHJBAC!: (Still patting herself in disbelief) "Yeah...yeah...I'm OK"

Me: "Do you need me to call you an ambulance or anything?"

LTHJBAC!: (patting...) "No...no...I think...No, I'm OK"

Me: "Oh my Gosh...Well...can I help you with anything? Can I carry your bags? (If you said awkward, you're right!)

LTHJBAC!: (still....patting) "No...Its OK...I'm just going right there (building is 9 feet away)"

Me: "I'm so sorry...I was inching out in traffic...I mean, I never saw you...I was...I mean I thought that someone would go behind me if they...I am so sorry..."

LTHJBAC!: "No...yeah...Its OK...I'm OK...(patting)

Me: "Do you want my insurance information or something?" (What's or something? Is she supposed to say 'no insurance, but I would like some fashionable outerwear'...man I'm an idiot)

LTHJBAC!: (stops patting...) "No...I...No...I'm fine...Its fine...Let's be more careful..." (resumes patting)

Me: "OK, I am so sorry...I'm glad you're OK...so...OK...Well...All right...(she starts walking to her building. Do I say goodbye?)...Ummm...Take it Easy (Good one a$$)

That was my morning.

Out.

This Is Why You Don't Employ Super Gay Robot Voice Men...

Blogger is acting shady today. I'll put his photo up later. Who's photo? Super Gay Robot Voice Man, that's who. You knew that you couldn't trust Super Gay Robot Voice Man, you just knew it. You could smell that he was going to blow the whole thing up.

There are 3 24 episodes left this season so you knew stuff wasn't getting resolved last night. You knew it wasn't going to work out that easy. The frustrating thing was the manner in which it didn't work out. I was hoping that Robocop had pulled a switch or Bierko was in control of it somehow. I found it to be severely beat that Super Gay Robot Voice Man got to delete the recording with a device. My solution? Not sure it solves anything, but I beat the living snoop dog out of Super Gay Robot Voice Man. I do not stop whooping him until I get tired and at that time, I tag in Curtis to strike him for making me tired.

How badly were you rooting for Progan to blow himself away? Did it make you feel like kind of a scumbag? I felt dirty afterwards but justified.

Overall, I was of course pleased with the show as it continues its tightness. However, I have the following issues with last evening's broadcast:

1) I saw Bierko escaping from a mile away. No chance.

2) Audrey's dad lived through the crash? Felt like it was much tighter that he made the sacrifice. 10 to 1 he comes back within a couple of hours like he wasn't even in a crash. Secretary Heller (Seller) should have stayed dead. A little too convenient.

3) Random Marine On Duty Man didn't even look at everyone's driver's license in the car after Curtis picked up Jack. I get not having time to look run them through security checks, but take a gander at a photo ID big dog. You're under orders. I also, don't like it when Curtis has a lot of lines. He is not as tight an actor as the others when he has to speak for extended periods. Still love that dude though and wish that we were friends and we could talk about what the Wizards need to do in the offseason and if there is anyway that we can put a trade together for a big man or sign Al Harrington.

4) I have a triple secret hope that the Wizards put a deal together for Jermaine O'Neal. I just invented this rumor. Jamison, Haywood, and Jared Jeffries for O'Neal, Croshere, and Jeff Foster. We take on the bad contract of Croshere and they get 3 good players...we also get O'Neal. Starting 5 of Arenas, Daniels, Butler, Jermaine O'Neal, and Etan Thomas with Andray Blatche, Michael Ruffin, Croshere, and Foster off the bench. That team is the #2 or 3 seed in the East next year. Nothing to do with 24 I just realized.

I cannot wait for Jack to discover the dude that is pulling Progan's strings, Super-Serious Bald Earpiece Man. Mint interrogation of Robocop to follow. I believe that Jack acquires the name of Super Serious Bald Earpiece Man and apprehends him. I also bet that Bierko becomes some kind of strange ally because he realizes that he has been set up by Progan and Robocop. Pumped about this.

Out.

The Few...The Proud...The Honies

My girl Lil' Babs said the following:

"sorry to say, but guys really aren't that difficult to figure out in my opinion...what you say 97.5% of the time is what you really mean. No overanalyzation needed"

Wow. Mark it down. Gentle sirs and maddams, this young lady gets it. This quote has been placed into the jedi archives and filed under 'accurate'. My girl Lil' Babs has stumbled upon some of the greatest truths of western civilization. Giddyup.

-Many women out there are constantly frustrated by men. They say things like: "I just don't understand boys", "why do guys do that?", or "I just can't seem to find a good guy".

-Many women become irritated with men because of behavior they perceive as 'unpredictable'.

-Many women spend a lot of time trying to interpret signals and signs from men.

Case study: 3 honies that I think the world of were hanging out with Funny Danny evening last. All intelligent, all interesting, all table bringers (aka, they bring things to the table). You're resident humorist watched in awe as these 3 young ladies re-hashed the afternoons interactions between honey A and a dude. At first, I thought I was helping by offering advice and trying to close the book and allow said honey to move on and simply allow things to play out. This was false. I was not helping. I was hindering. For these ladies were bound and determined to discuss these things on their own.

Every possible aspect of every facet of every nuance was discussed in extraordinary detail. They went over everything in a level of detail worthy of CSI. 20-something girls should have to solve crimes for a few years. No one would get away with anything ever again. Why has no one suggested this? Anyway, the dude likes her. No conversation needed right? Wrong.

Basic fact rundown:

-Dude likes Girl A
-Girl A was a bit distressed as to how things played out during afternoon events
-Circumstances during said events were not ideal nor conducive to many things

This, in so many words, should be a win for Girl A. She had a good time with someone that clearly likes her. Advantage Girl A.

Here is the basic problem as I see it. Girls like these, as wondrous as they happen to be, are bound by a fatal flaw. They give guys too much credit. They attempt to ascribe female sensibilities on men in an attempt to analyze their behavior. This is a bad idea that will only lead to more confusion and frustration. Here's why:

-Dudes are very simple. Way more simple than girls can even imagine.

What this really means is that dudes are motivated by basic needs. The most important point here is that any erratic, unpredictable, or questionable behavior by a dude is the direct result of him attempting to do what he believes a girl will want him to do. Often times, men get it wrong. Other times, they get it right because it leaves the girl having discussions with her friends about it. Men are forced to balance the PITA (Pain In The A$$) Factor for interactions with girls; ex. how crazy is she? Will there be drama over every interaction? Is she going to make me jump through several hoops and play unbearably frustrating games where she seems interested then isn't?

There is a sliding scale with two factors constantly working. What the male wants (instant gratification and relations on one end, long term relationship on the other), and how much work he is willing to put in with a certain girl (text messages and booty calls on one end, meaningful interactions on the other). The complications come because women invent issues and over analyze things they have no control over.

Another sage honey had this to say:

"if you like someone and they seem into you too - go with it and see what happens - life really isn't that complicated"

Funny Danny fact:

99.9% of girls don't realize, especially those that always seem to have so much trouble 'figuring guys out', is that the only reasons guys have unpredictable behavior is because they are trying to anticipate what women want and this can lead to absolute chaos.

In conclusion, girls are crazy and dudes are simple. Great talk. See you out there.

Events

In the spirit of getting more rooms in the Washington, DC area, we've got a cool show tonight at Tryst in Adams Morgan. The show starts at 11 and should be very cool. Jeff Maurer (first Jeff, I listed you first, can we squash this beef now?), Larry Poon, Jon Mumma, Rory Scovel, Seaton Smith, Ryan Conner, Jay Hastings and Kojo Mante will take the stage. Should be a great show filled with delight and humor.

If you're around, go to it. Tryst is on 18th in that little Adams Morgan strip where people go for happiness.

Purposely short blog today. Varying the length. Word.

Quick Hits

First off, happy birthday baby.

It was pointed out to me recently that I've been doing a lot of sports related blogs lately. I am trying to keep everything varied so I'm not going to talk about sports. I also realize I've just talked about sports but that was only to say that I'm not going to talk about it.

The DC Comedy Community is forced to bid farewell to the Topaz Bar. A great Thursday night room run by the OCD Curt Shackelford. I shall miss Topaz for its overpriced food and the times when I bombed there so horribly, puppies were beaten in Djbouty.

Eating healthy is hard to do and it sucks. I had a 'guilt free chicken sandwich' from chili's today. It came with veggies and some kind of bean soup. I wanted to kidnap the waiter and force him to bring me a burger and fries...Miserableness. But, its bathing suit season...

Congrats and What if the DMV Was On Steroids and Heroin at the Same Time

First, Congratulations to my college teammate and friend, Michael O'Connor. He got his first major league win yesterday against the powerful New York Metropolitans. Knowledge here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/05/02/AR2006050201720.html

Okie started the game against another former teammate of mine, John Maine. I played with the John the summer after my senior year of high school on a team that went 52-7 and won the 18 and under national title. John did not make the trip to the national tournament because frankly, he wasn't very good at the time. Note: He is now good and I am not. Pretty neat stuff. Okie absosmurfly dealt last night. 1 run on 2 hits with 6 strikeouts in 7 innings pitched. Well done young man. See you Sunday (he's pitching at RFK against the Pirates). Yes, Okie has done more than enough to keep his behind in the bigs for a while. That ladies and gents, is mirth on a stick with a remote and cold beverages at the ready.

Topic change.

I spent this morning at the Social Security Administration. I needed to get a replacement social security card. Memo to everyone: Never ever under any circumstances lose your social security card.

EEEEEWWWWWWWWWW! That place honks. It was me, a long wait, some apathetic workers that were so beaten down and upset at everything, the lowest members of our society, and smells. A potpourri of horrendous smells greats everyone as they walk in, take a number, listen for the next number to be called, look down in horror as the number called is 50 spots before theirs, sit down, get greeted by a different shade of smell, change seats...repeat. 2 hours later, I identified myself by saying:

"I have a driver's license, birth certificate, and passport. What would you like?"

She didn't look at any of them. She just took my application and walked away. I stood there awkwardly for two minutes. She returned and looked up at me and said..."Number # 484!"
This indicated that my time there was done. I gave her a 'I know that you too are immortal, Highlander' nod and rolled out. I should have a new card in 2 weeks. Note: I am not confident in this.

People getting married in cities that I don't live in is just plain selfish on their part. Making plans to travel places is cool like meeting your girlfriend's X and finding out he's a blackbelt that volunteers with sick children after his shifts on call at the hospital.

24: Resume Building; Showing My Marketable Skills

If you go on an interview, you will need to readily be able to list your marketable skills. I have very few; this is why I am a comedian. Jack Bauer has a gang...here are some:

-I can sneak onto planes
-I said I can sneak onto f*cking planes!
-I can incapacitate the air marshall and make it look like he's asleep
-I can make incredibly quick assessments and decisions weighing all the options
-I can make people do sh*t because they've read my file and know what I'm capable of
-I have a file file that says I'm capable of some ill sh*t
-If people aren't aware of said file, I'm able to quickly summarize the jist by saying that I have a file and since most of them don't have a file, they capitulate to my demands...
-I commandeer stuff and control situations fluidly
-Well versed in PDA technology
-Deals well with adversity
-Never needs to eat or go to the bathroom...

I will now make a sports analogy. On Sunday night, in the midst of an absurd 4th quarter in which Gilbert Arenas scored 20 points in a Wizards victory, Damon Jones checked in for Cleveland for the first time. Arenas, with an incredulous look on his face said to Jones:

"You ain't played the whole game, and you come in now?....You better be ready for me."

This summarizes the interaction between Jack Bauer and the co-pilot. I've been doing this all day and you're gonna come in now? Please. Give it to me or we all die. Smell you later. Spank you very much. Mint.

My favorite aspect of 24 is that dudes who are on 'the good side' act as impediments and are thus, bad guys by default. Of course, I refer to Miles, or Super Gay Robot Voice Man, who is just such a pain in the a$$. Someone needs to incapacitate him. This is one of those times where I wish peeps on the show could just explain things in a frank manor. Super Gay Robot Voice Man could then calm it down a notch and do the right things instead of being all lispy and salty in the way of progress...

24 is the tightness right now (the drug clouded emotional crapsandwiches with the 1st lady notwithstanding). President Logan, Progan, is on the warpath. He is doing an awesome job of making you want him to get taken out. Great job by the dude that plays Progan. I have enclosed a sensitive picture of Progan to make you all remember that this is an actor. Headshots make people look sensitive.

Gutless Idiots

First, the show at the Barking Dog in Bethesda on Saturday night was awesome. Chris White, Jeff Maurer, and George Peacock were all super tight and I did OK to close the show. Great crowd. Bethesda rocks...weirdest thing I have ever said...

Here's the focus of the blog:

The Houston Texans front office are a bunch of gutless idiots and if I was a fan and had tickets, I would be so outraged right now, I would demand a refund of all the money I have given them over the years in good faith that they were trying to put the best product onto the field. The passed on the man pictured, to take Mario Williams, a Defensive End from NC State (which apparently, had the greatest college defensive line of all time as they had 3 first rounders on a 6-5 team) who was 'inconsistent in his production and attitude'. Are you kidding? If Williams is the next Reggie White, and he'd better be to justify this pick, they still passed on a truly unique once in a generation talent. Absurd.

During the weeks leading up to the draft, the Texans negotiated with Bush. It became clear that they were going to have to fork over more $ than they were comfortable with to sign him. So they signed an inferior player and hid behind some BS line about it being a football decision. Lies. The punka$$ owner and management wouldn't fork over the dough upfront to sign Reggie Bush end of story. When Bush fell to New Orleans at #2, people were dancing in the streets.

Its still up for debate as to whether Bush will be a great pro. Time will tell of course. I happen to think that he'll be outstanding; a truly dynamic offensive weapon that can do anything. The draft guru, Mel Kiper, said the following: "If Bush were just a running back, he'd be a first rounder. If he were just a receiver, he'd be a first rounder. If he were just a returner, he'd be a borderline first rounder. The fact that he does all those things means he's an amazing talent." How could you pass on that? How? Because you didn't want to pay for hype? The move pays for itself when you're the national tv game because of the kid or when you sell out pre-season games just to watch the kid play. This is a slap in the face from the owner to the fans that have supported this team with the promise of better days ahead. It was a business decision plain and simple. They assume the fans will get ticked, but keep coming through the turnstyles and support them so they can continue to put a terrible product on the field.

Again, the Williams kid could end up being great. But, its hard to justify picking a guy that had inconsistent production on a D-line that had 3 first rounders 1st overall! Read this: "His motor runs hot-and-cold. He played with more intensity during the second-half of his junior season but still took far too many plays off throughout 2005." That's the knock on him from "Scouts Inc". No way he should be the top pick. Event in history this most closely mirrors: the drafting of Sam Bowie ahead of Michael Jordan in 1984...

Say what you want about Dan Snyder but guys like him, jerry jones (my least favorite figure in sports), Al Davis and others, are all committed to putting a great product on the field and are willing to shell out the money to do so. They would never have made a move like this. They would have ponied up the dough in a millisecond to get the best player available. I propose a class action suit against the Texans by their fans to recoup damages from a team that is not committed to winning. To me, there is a basic agreement between a fan and a team. The team will always try and the fan will always support. When one of those breaks down, the relationship must be severed. The other side of the coin would be for teams to strip fans of tickets if they allow said tickets to go to rival fans. I am totally in favor of this.

Also, sorry if you don't care about football and didn't like this blog. If you didn't like it, please move to Russia where you won't have to worry about football, only political upheaval and secret police. Holler

Support

I shot a television commercial today. It is for the PBS program 'Antiques Roadshow'. I had a fun time and will report back when the product is finished and if/when it will air. Either way, it was really cool to be a part of. Oh yeah, did I mention that they cast me in it? Because they did. Boooyakashat!

My college teammate, Michael O'Connor pitched pretty well in his Major League debut last night for the Nationals against the St. Louis Cardinals. He got saddled with a tough loss as he gave up just 3 unearned runs through 5 innings. Would have been scoreless but for a costly error by future star, Jeff Zimmerman. Congrats Okie. More to come.

I was going to talk about something completely unrelated until I received some wondrous news. For the dudes that read this, you know when your boy does something so magnificent, so unbearably tight, and so breathtakingly amazing that you puke and cry and tell everyone you can think of? Like, its something that creates so much mirth and wonderment that it becomes something that lives on its own and anytime you feel a certain inkling, you can dip yourself in said entity and bask in its glory and feel warmth...Don't know what I'm talking about? That's because you don't have a boy, who's an actor in LA, that has had relations with one of the most uber hot ladies alive. I'm not going to blow my boy up or the young lady in question either, but please know that I now love him and also hate him more than I ever thought possible.

Come see the shows tonight at Topaz at 8 and tomorrow at the Barking Dog at 8. Topaz is in Dupont and we are having the latest Geek Comedy Tour Show. Lots of humor, not as much social awareness. Tomorrow night, the Bethesda Literary Festival at the Barking Dog. 4723 Elm Street Right off Wisconsin Ave. Both shows will be the hotness in a freezer bag of amusement.

The Rundown

The NFL Draft is Saturday. This is my favorite sports day of the year. My favorite aspect of being a sports fan, is knowledge. I love extensive knowledge of a subject. I love being the one that people ask, being the expert, and knowing more than others. No where, at any time during the course of a year, is there more knowledge readily available that during the NFL draft. A lot of people don't like me boy Mel Kiper Jr. He is one of my favorite people alive as his sole purpose is to bring knowledge to this day.

Many will criticize his over enunciation, awkward hair, arrogance and other elements of his person. I will not. I love what he does and am grateful to watch him shine on his day. For that is what the Draft is; it is Mel's Day.

The day is mirthful for many reasons. College football is wondrous as is the NFL. Those that know me well are well aware of my obsession with combining things that are good into a super item of goodness. I root for players that I liked to not go to teams that I hate. For example, I hope that the New York football Giants don't get any player that I liked as a collegian. Or, I hope the when the cowboys are in their war room, it explodes...

My favorite franchise in the world, the Washington Redskins, to my great disappointment, shirks the joy of the draft. They trade away picks as though they are diseased commodities. Sadness. Nothing better than the feeling of hope that one gets when your squadron drafts a kid you are excited about and Philly fans are somehow made sad. Note: its always better for humanity when people from Philly are upset. They are the anchor that keeps us from spinning out of control into the stratosphere. I cannot imagine what would happen to the world if they were happy as a result from one of their despicable sports teams winning a championship (hasn't happened since '83 thanks). There is one thing people need to understand about Super Bowl Trophies: They are hard to get. Just ask the philadelphia/southern new jersey eagles, who have 0. Currently smiling...

Got some great comments about yesterday's blog. Hopefully, if anything, some thoughtful conversation can come of it. If I bomb at Dremos one more time, I'm going to go up the time after that and not talk. I might make signs that tell everyone what I'm doing...

An Open Letter to MY Comedy Brethren

Since I have begun my comedy career a little over 2 years ago, I have been afforded the opportunity to meet some of my favorite people in the world. The friendships I have fostered are things that I will cherish as we go through the shared experience of trying to make it big in our chosen profession. There is an issue among us that I feel like I need to address and I have chosen this forum to do so. I think it's a problem and I fully realize that some people might be upset with me, but I am willing to deal with that as I think it's for the greater good. I would count on my friends to tell me what they thought was the truth and I value their opinions as I would hope you value mine.

Last night, some of the best young comics in DC put on a show at the Wonderland Ballroom in Mt. Pleasant. It was the first show there and was not without glitches as first shows tend to be. There was a small group of people at the bar that insisted upon talking and it hurt the show. The show organizers asked them several times politely to keep it down, but to no avail. They continued to talk and the group became larger and the noise increased. A few of the comics handled this exceptionally well. Some of the others did not. After a couple of the comics yelled from the stage at these people, things got out of hand towards the end. Once things escalated, there was a solid chance of some violence breaking out.

I think there are several things that need to be said about this.

1) Of course it's annoying when people won't cooperate and keep it quiet, and yes it hurt the show. It didn't hurt Justin Schlegel or Doug Powell who had everyone that was listening howling with laughter. The point is, we were at a bar, not a comedy club, so the setup may not be ideal. This will happen sometimes and you've got to deal with it as best you can.

2) None of us on last night, not a single one, has any right to assume that people should show up to see us and be docile audience memebers. None of us have any kind of name recognition that merits the expectation that A) people will show up when we perform and B) people need to be respectful and attentive when they do. Every opportunity to perform in this area is a gift. When we start selling out the Improv, then we can torch people for being idiots. Until then, none of us is near big enough to have any kind of expectation whatsoever. This doesn't mean that we're not good, quite the contrary, we are good. It just means that we cannot allow our talent to dictate our expectations of strangers who have never heard us or seen us. Politely ask them to give us a chance, that's all we can do. If they don't want to hear my new 7, then they aren't going to.

3) Shouting insults and escalating things into a near brawl is very short-sighted. Again, the show was hurt last night by those folks. No doubt. But, after that show, Rory and Jon (the organizers) can go to the manager and say: 'hey, you saw we got a bunch of people to come out. You saw that we had a great product. You also saw that the show didn't really work because these people were talking. Can you get behind us on this? People will come back if we can put on a great product and you need to help us..." If they buy it, we can still have a show there. As it stands, we're never going back again. That room is gone. Is it that big a deal that a room failed? Not really. But, what if the manager or owner knows some other owners. He tells the story and all of a sudden, more doors are closed in our faces and we have less rooms to go to once words spread that comics harass patrons. Were those people there last night jackasses? Of course, but next time, we could have had some support from the place. We didn't on the first show but now we'll never know. Maybe they wouldn't have gotten behind us there and we would walk away in peace. As it stands, we shut the door on ourselves and may have closed others.

4) I can very easily imagine going to a bar with some friends and having people come tell us that we needed to be quiet. I can very easily see my friends and I objecting. I can also see us getting irritated when we are constantly being yelled at from a stage and in person. I can also easily see getting really pissed off when being called out and having someone approach us from the stage or from within the crowd yelling things at me about how 'if my mouth were bigger, he could fit his &*^#%^& in it'. Those people were not there for the same reason you were. How can we expect them to go along with what we wanted? They had a totally different agenda than we did. They were asked politely to cooperate several times. They were not going to do it without management stepping in so, our hands were tied. Hey, first show at a new place. Chalk it up to experience and see if we cannot have better crwod control next time. Was their behavior justified? Probably not, but I can certainly understand being preturbed and defensive if I felt under attack.

5) I don't quite know how to say this next part without sounding like a condescending pr*ck, so I'm just going to go with it. It seems that a lot of us comics have a very near-sighted and selfish world view. It seems that we are not able to think beyond our own expectations of all the things we should be getting and how someone else should be doing it for us. Last night, was like an interview; a trial run. And we totally blew it. We blew it so bad that we might not get interviews from a bunch of places as a result. I cannot believe that any of us thinks that we are entitled to anything. Jon, George Gordon, and Rory worked their butts of trying to get that room going, just as other people have worked really hard to get spots for us to perform. Ask yourself what have you done to get more places for you to perform. What have you done except to show up and do your time? Have you helped the community grow? I don't know that I have. I know Rory has, as has Seaton Smith, and others. I do know that there is no chance in h*ll I have any right to complain about stagetime, conditions of a room (jokes are fine), or what patrons are doing because I haven't done near enough to make my own breaks. I've capitalized on the hard work of others and expect them to continue to do their work. That makes me a spoiled selfish little kid who expects things to be a certain way so I can perform. It's sad and pathetic and it's inexcusable. The macho pissing contest that occured is best left to frat basements and motorcycle bars in Dundalk. We are all adults---some of us younger than others, but adults nonetheless. Last night, we looked like white trash teenagers looking to pick a fight. Embarrassing.

In many ways, the comedy world is very different from the real world. There are certain areas, though, where they are parrellel. Why would a bar owner want comedy? Is it because he's heard of Danny Rouhier and wants to help his career skyrocket? No chance. He wants business to come in on a slow night. Very rarely are you going to find a comedy supporter who owns a bar that will take a hit in the name of the careers of us struggling comics. As a result, its a difficult marriage between getting a show to work and a bar still making $$. That's why there aren't 1000 open mics around here. Rory started something when he tried to get us going, to get more places for us to perform, and he's right to do so. It's not easy to find a good place and shows get cancelled all the time. Every opportunity is precious and wasting an opportunity is ludicrous. Of course it's annoying when people talk. I was annoyed; the people I was sitting with were annoyed. But we as comics have got to see the big picture or we have completely missed the point of what Rory et al were trying to do to get us more places to perform.

If people are upset at me about this, I'm sorry. I really do see this as a tangible phenomenon that is correctable. I would love to talk to anyone individually about this further. I also realize this comes off as self-righteous and preachy. I don't know if there is much I can do about that given the content. We are all in this together and I think this is a very important point going forward. Thanks for reading.

Danny

1-2

24 was absosmurfly mint last night. What a super tight episode on enhancements.

Super Gay Robot Voice Man (Miles) was in full force reeking havoc at CTU and Karen 'I am so desperate to use my common sense but I can't because I'm an obedient lemming' Hayes showed us right at the end that she will break free and be on the right side of things.

The greatest casting move in the history of modern television is the addition of Robocop as the uber-villain this season. When he was telling my girl Audrey Rizzle that she could still save her dad, I believe him. Not kidding. I almost yelled for her to pick up the phone and call...but she is so tight, she wasn't fooled. Tight scene.

Little Curtis rolling up and handling Robocop's people was half past awesome. I didn't love Curtis at first, but I do now. I love that only a few hours before, Jack Bauer, smacked Curtis in the mouthpiece and knocked him out cold, and now they are top boys again. Note this would not be the case if the two characters were women. There would have been no punch thrown. Instead, one girl would not have been invited to a series of events over the course of time and animosity would foster between them and one day, they would just stop speaking and write 'Take Care' at the end of emails to each other implying that they would not speak for a great duration of time...

I had an audition for a commercial today. Auditions are weird because it seems like they always have you do something that you weren't prepared to do. I guess maybe that's part of the process, but still, it always feels weird when you're done...like a prostate exam.

They had us act out a 'casual improv conversation' based on some things they gave us. Would have been pretty neat except for Talky Talkerson next to me would not let anyone get a word in edgewise. She was interesting and dynamic like two different shades of gray tiles for a bathroom floor at a Home Depot...

Also at my audition just now...HOWARD G. Fricking Howard G! The Senate Insurance Guy...Kiss My Bumper and so forth. He had some ideas for the casting people about how they should run their commercial as well as their casting process. How could you not listen?

Also, memo to everyone: If you have a story that ends with you being a racist, do not tell that story. Keep it locked away in the old 'ooopsy daisy' file for safe keeping and hope that no one remembers when you move to a new city.

NYC Recap

Tightness. Mirth. Joyous. Wondrous.

All these words are apt when describing the JL Cauvin compact disk recording in New York City at the Triad Theater. List of Facts:

1) The theater itself is a tight place
2) Said theater was packed with about 140 people
3) Said 140 people were joyous and participated constructively to the dynamic of the show
4) Said show was game tight as I crushed to open
5) Said show was also tight because JL ripped it like a Hulk Hogan tank top in the 80s
6) The after-party was tight because people liked us and complimented me a lot
7) This is why I do comedy

Anecdotal pieces of Nuevo York.

-Just because a train is supposed to come by a certain location in the subway, does not mean it will come at all. I waited for 30 minuts for a 'B' train which would take me exactly where I needed to go. After the third straight 'D' train came by, I began to think that there was in fact no B at all. I took the 4th D train and then had to take a cab.

-Factual information based on my experience. If you wake up and leave your apartment in Glover Park in Washington, DC at 7:40 AM on a Saturday and its 63 degrees and sunny and you only pack a polo shirt because the weather is so nice, it will be 39 and raining like the apocolypse in New York City. New York and I have gotten along better over the years but it still insists on doing something each trip to insure my discomfort. Its a little dance we do and neither will blink.

-If you take the train and are a decent sized guy (say, just under 6 feet and about 200 pounds), another big guy will always sit next to you on the train insuring that neither of you is comfortable. Go across the isle idiot! The girl was nearly 2 dimensional! Lots of elbow room for everyone you jacka$$!

-If you destroy at a club and there is an afterparty, people will compliment you. One girl, will approach you and compliment you at first, and then awkwardly get angry at you about one of JL's jokes and then go on for 10 minutes about why they should still play the national anthem at sporting events. You will agree with her and try to explain that you played baseball and are in fact, in favor of the anthem and she will continue to explain herself, repeating as she goes...

-My boy, filthy Hutto is always a spectacle when he goes out. My boy Strange, was a debacle on stilts on Saturday evening. I felt ashamed and disgusted. Afterwards, I went to the fire station and ask that they hose me off in a back shower...

Thanks so much to everyone who came out to the show! JL and I really appreciate it and hope you had a good time!

Funny Danny Calendar:

Tuesday: Great show at the Wonderland Ballroom in Mt. Pleasant. Show starts at 8. Jon Mumma, Rory Scovel, Larry Poon, Justin Schlegel, Doug Powell, Seaton Smith, Frank Hong, Erin Jackson and more. Incredible line-up at the first showcase. 1101 Kenyon Street NW. Free show.

Friday: The Geek Comedy Tour 3000 returns with a 5 button combo vengeance. We will be at Topaz Bar in Dupont. Show starts at 8 and features lots of funny people crushing. 1733 N Street. Info about us available at http://www.macdweeb.com/geekcomedy/

Saturday: Bethesda Literary Festival. Saturday night at 8. Show at the Barking Dog in Bethesda. www.TheBarkingDogOnline.com
Featuring George Peacock, Jeff Maurer, Chris White and myself. Show is free and will be a blast. Bethesda. What.

Holler

NYC for Me

Tomorrow night. 9PM. Triad Theater. 158 W. 72nd Street

My boy JL Cauvin is recording his debut CD. I'm opening the show with 20 minutes of mirth and joy squared times the hotness cubed on stilts. If you live in New York, come to this show. If you do not live in New York, you are inherently not as good as those that do.

'You ask anybody. Anyone, tru'out the 5 burroughs, I'm known. You ask anybody about Lefty...' -Pacino in Donnie Brasco

'I'm so excited, I'm so excited...I'm so...scared!' - Jesse Spano SBTB Caffeine Pills Episode

' 'ey 'o fadda carmine!' - Rocky

'How can anyone be especially not a genius?' - Owen Wilson in Tennenbaums

'I thought the first guy and the last guy were good' - girl who didn't know I was standing right next to her after I hosted at the Improv.

End random quote assortment.

I hope to come back to you on Monday with tales of filth and hijinx. If I don't its because i got mugged in NYC...again.

Holler

Guys Watching 24

Chris White, Jared Stern, Danny Rouhier, and Jeff King...stir...chill...serve.

We made a movie and Chris edited the h*ll out of it to make it look cool. If you like 24 or if you like stuff, watch this right now on youtube. Do it...do it...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEFtatwP9Ic

Pass it onto friends and enemies because then you can lull them into your god graces and stab them when they least expect it.

The Following Takes Place...In My Heart

Sorry for the belated review. Finally got to watch this past week's 24 last night. 12AM-1AM was a mint hour. The first lady continues her journey through the most absurd emotional swings and plot buttresses. They should simply turn her into a piece of clay and just be outright honest that she is merely a device to help with the story and no longer a real person. It'll be easier on everyone.

I thought the Robocop to Progan phone call, resulting in Progan getting up in Seller's (Secretary Heller) mouth piece was particularly mint. 24 rule: Do not think that you have a better strategy than Jack Bauer. When you try and do it your way, you get your daughter stabbed in an artery where she can bleed to death and Robocop will get away.

24 Rule #2: If there is a situation where you have never met Jack Bauer and the said situation calls for you to cooperate with him, you will be shot. Always. Fact. Sucks, but, this show isn't about you is it Mr. Bank Manager/Evelyn/Seller's security dude?

Final thought: Psycho-Shari is really annoying. She set up Chloe and simply refuses to get the big picture. Why would you argue with Chloe? You wouldn't you little 'only tolerated because you're hot' crazy girl...I mean, she already doesn't like Super Gay Robot Voice Man (Miles), why would she pick his side over hers? You wouldn't is the answer to that little riddle.

My only question is where is Bierko? The dude just vanished after Jack told Curtis to bring him in. Also, where the hell is Curtis for that matter? He could have helped Jack escape or been part of the tac team sent to go get him. Come on Fox, Curtis is tight. He should be included.

The place that I would hang out if I lived in the 24 universe is at Bill Buchanan's house. There are chairs and couches but that dude never sits...

Tool

My boy Rory loves the band Tool. I love bands too. I love U2, the Walkmen, Vaeda, Notorious BIG, Wu-Tang, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Michael Jackson and others. At least I thought I loved bands. Rory is currently on g-chat with me right now...as I am typing these words. he's typing me Tool lyrics. He's been doing it for several minutes straight. Every car trip over the last few days, he's mentioned that Tool has a new song out at least once every minute and its the only thing we can talk about because of the frequency of his mentioning.

Rory has been on websites and chatrooms consistently with activity really picking up over the last few months talking and reading about Tool. This band does a lot of extra stuff in their songs apparently.

Transcript from a real conversation:

Rory: "Yeah, so Tool...their last album...the tracks aren't in order...there's supposedly a formula that if you listen to them in the right order...it makes perfect sense and it is represented by a spiral on a graph...Some people think they've seen the album cover but Tool doesn't release information and sometimes they release fake covers and everyone's like 'how did you get that cover?'...but like...on these chat rooms...people are talking about the symbols and stuff like, and its so cool that Tool puts out fake stuff and they have an information ban..."

Danny: "Where do you wanna go to lunch?"

Rory: "I have a microwave meal..."

I love it when Rory gets excited about stuff. I really do. But I have never seen anyone this passionate about a band. I am a dork. Like maybe, the biggest dork I have ever encountered. There are some high level dorks out there but I really believe I trump them all. I used to be embarrassed but no longer. My shackles are off. I have a Superman keychain, I remember the code to get to Mike Tyson in Punchout, I have never been beaten in Star Wars Trivia, given the choice, I'd live in Middle Earth at either Rivendell or the Woods of Lorien...you get the idea.

Is what Rory is doing for this band as dorky as what I do with all my...stuff?

I say yes...welcome. Here is your membership card, its a PS 2 and an expository Tolkien text...

Real Men of Genius...

Daniel Tosh is awesome. Great comic, great dude, great smile and attention to details. I had a great time performing with him at Maryland last night in front of tens of people...He is so composed and interesting on stage. He doesn't run around and shout like an idiot; he just does his thing and is entertaining as hell. Just incredible to watch.

Back stage before the show. Rory, Ryan, Jay Hastings, Daniel Tosh and I were playing a game that Tosh invented. It involved masking tape, a bottle of water, a chair leg, and betting. Wondrous. Long story short, Rory won and now I have to do something really horrible for him involving rubber gloves and a running start...

Because the show was last night, I was not able to watch 24. I hope to catch it tonight and review it on the morrow.

Benefit show at Dremos on Wednesday (insert cause here) ___________, is a great charity and you all know how I feel about doing charity work. Because causes like ________ remind us all what its really all about. Working with (insert those who benefit here) _________ is the all the thanks I really need.

Mur'lan' Son

Ryan Conner, Rory Scovel, me, and Daniel Tosh tonight at the University of Maryland. The tightness multiplied by the hotness squared on stilts in a flower garden. Blogs this week will be concise to reflect the office arrangement I am currently under.

One.

Post Script:

If you are always the drunkest guy at the party and are in your mid to late 20s, it is absolutely time for a quick life evaluation and possible adjustment.

Posty Posterson

Wake up early, be miserable all day...repeat.

No shows this weekend. Taking it easy and morphing into Social Danny. He is not as fun, cannot hold his booze, is awkward around strangers, stares to much, and is dynamite with the ladies...

Look for him waiting in line at your local bar while one of his friends talks to a bouncer about how he knows the owner and should be let inside. Always a great scene.

See about me on the dance floor.

Would You Rather?

Today completely honks. Blah blah blah, special project blah blah blah. Bottom line, I had to be at work at 7 AM. Lots of people do this and will scoff at me. These are the types of people that brag about getting to work early:

"H*ll, I'm at work every morning at 7..."

Oh really, Johnny Real Estate? Then you have a sh*tty job. Don't brag about how early you have to be at work. Its like bragging about how late you stay up. "Stayed up 'til 2 last night...watched a movie...but whatever..." Its exceptionally young to do that.

Note: Please see the glossary post regarding 'honks' and 'young' if you are confused.

I am not a morning person. I hate the morning. Every day, when I have to get up for work, I am ripped away from joyous sleep. This morning, I woke up and it was still dark. There is nothing sadder on this earth than waking up when it is still dark to begin your day. I don't care what people tell you, its not natural. Its wrong. We're not supposed to be doing this. The real reason I want to be a world famous comic/dictator is so I won't have to wake up before 10 AM ever again.

Arriving at work uber-early is beat. Fact. I was playing a game with myself and was surprised at some of my answers...

Would you rather? :

-Do this for a year
or
- be a vegetarian for a year

veggies.

-Do this everyday
or
-go back in time to high school and lose a fight every weekend in front of a girl that I liked

fights

-Do this everyday
or
-receive a surprise wedgie once every two weeks

wedgies

-Do this everyday
or
-Never play another video game again

take them away...don't let me see you do it...just take them

-Do this for a year
or
-No cheese for a year

I may be turning into lactard...

-Do this for a week
or
-Get into an argument and lose in front of 100 people everyday for a week and have everyone talk about me behind my back that I am such an a$$ and then shut up abruptly as I walk in the room.

Arguments

-Do this for a month
or
-Go to a petting zoo with tons of snakes and be forced to pet a snake (Note: Funny Danny is horribly afraid of snakes. To the point where I saw a snake once and stayed up all night holding a bat out of fear. True story)

Let's go to the petting zoo b*tches

-Do this for a year
or
-Recieve the silent treatment from all my comic friends for 6 months and not know what I did...

I don't like talking to them that much anyway...

The bottom line is that I am not supposed to be waking up early. You do what you have to do...then you complain about it. That's how life works.

Out.

Declare the Winner

Background information:

-I am in the finals in both of my fantasy NBA leagues.
-I have a very good chance in one and a decent chance in the other to be the champion
-I finished 2nd and 1st respectively in the regular season
-I know the most about sports of anyone
-The last statement is debatable

To get to the finals, I beat my Boy Jon in our week-long head to head match-up. 9 categories are totaled over the week and whoever wins the most categories, wins the week. I defeated him 6-3. This means that it was never really in doubt. As I mentioned in a previous post, you could taste the desperation in his actions and movements in the league. He was dependent upon slouches like Darko Milicic, Nenad Kristic, Hedo Turkoglu, and Udonis Haslem. My worst player during the week? 5-time All-Star Jermaine O'Neal. Needless to say, my squad was vastly superior and should have won.

Before the week began, Jon and I engaged in a 'light sh*t-talking battle'. Jon and I are very similar in that when we are defensive about something, we turn to humor to make it seem like the whole thing is a big joke. Its a clever and useful tool, but it does not fool FunnyDanny.

I am posting the poo-talking transcript below. A quick guide to some of the players:

Marcoux = my boy who's team name is Ultra Magnus (the name of my favorite Transformer ever)

Ramsey = my boy who's team name is Grandma Mima

Roos = my nickname. My team name is: 'DERELICTE'

Jon = my boy, his team name is 'The People's Champs' and his screen name is 'J Record Deal'

Transcript in order of posts:


2 Things by: Derelicte (drouhier14)
Apr 3 10:15am
Thing 1: Marcoux (MMMMMMMAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGNUSSSSSSS!) set a modern American land record for transactions in a week. Debord, take a day off, rest up. No games tonight. We'll start it up tomorrow. Also proves that letting the computer draft for you may be an efficient means of acquiring players.
Thing 2: As I sat in the dining room of Lucie's house with my laptop during the draft, Ramsey says the following: "Can we just talk about how I had the greatest draft ever?" Sure we can big cat. Ssshhhhhhh...go to sleep girl...sssshhhhhhh...its me...its OK...I'm nervous too...Its OK....sssshhhhhhhh...I respect you.....ssshhhh...we don't have to do anything you don't want to....


Imponderable questions by: The Peoples' Champs (j_record_deal)
Apr 3 11:04am
1) can you imagine anything funnier than being a fly on the wall as marcoux totally lost his nerve this week and began adding kwame brown and dropping matt harpring and benching shaq and adding udonis haslem and then dropping kwame brown? i can't even begin to think about it. imponderable.
2) is it not transparent to everyone that roos is trying to denigrate my rise to the top of this damn league by shifting praise onto the computerized drafting system? you should be paying me to give you tips and encouragement. maybe then you could have wound up with Nenad Kristic. 3) Roos what are you going to do when the combination of Nenad, Josh Smith, and Darko Millicilic block 100 shots this week?


What Will I do???? by: Derelicte (drouhier14)
Apr 4 4:18pm
I will giggle as the combo of Jermaine O'neal, Pau Gasol and Marcus Camby block 101 shots. See you on the other side Nenad...


mombasa by: The Peoples' Champs (j_record_deal)
Apr 5 9:43am
i noticed that your triumverate of primadonnas has thus far totaled 2 blocks, while nenad and josh smith had 5 last night. darko "mombasa" milicic has not even played yet. i will just sit here and wait for you to become unhinged like marcoux did last week. udonnis haslem is available on the waiver wire, by the way.


Mombosa???? by: Derelicte (drouhier14)
Apr 10 10:06am
Deborg, your boy Mombosa was a non-factor. As predicted, I dominated what was to have been a closely contested category. You were invited to the block party held at Marcus Camby's house. O'neal was dj, and Gasol was breakdancing. Your punkass eastern european contingent of Micicicic and Kristicicicic was no match. In the end, superior players win. Big time players - Big time games. Good luck in the 3rd place game. [editor's note: I totalled 42 blocks to his 35 for the week]


post hoc trash talk by: The Peoples' Champs (j_record_deal)
Apr 10 12:29pm
two things - number one, i'm going to beat the sh*t out of you next time i see you.
second, trash talking after the fact shows me nothing. you waited until you edged me by 3 rebounds and 5 blocks to respond to the mombasa post. were you afraid to respond all week? life is not a petting zoo, derelicte. you will learn this soon [see above]


What's the legal Term for Wrong? by: Derelicte (drouhier14)
Apr 10 2:58pm
"I will giggle as the combo of Jermaine O'neal, Pau Gasol and Marcus Camby block 101 shots". - me from before last week started.
I told you what would happen and it did. This is from the Larry Bird school of sh*t talking. I beat you in the category you chose to talk about. And then went ahead and advanced to the championship. I didn't become unhinged rather, it was you who began furiously adding and dropping players in the same fashion you criticized Marcoux for doing (Udonis Haslem!).
And maybe, that gets to a larger point...maybe you are guilty of some of the things you are so adept at noticing in others.
Please let Clown Punchers and I know how many are in your party so that we can make sure to reserve you tickets to watch the championship match up.


derelicte is a good shot blocker! by: The Peoples' Champs (j_record_deal)
Apr 11 12:01am
i realize that by winning our little match you feel that you can engage in a bit of poetic license, but you shouldn't lose total control over yourself.
first, lets be clear - you didn't respond to the mombasa post until the week was done. i will, from now on, say "mombasa" whenever you attempt to refute a statement of mine with irrelevant facts of your own.
second - lets not exaggerate - marcoux added or dropped 24 players in one week. i added or dropped six, due to a suspension and a season ending injury - respectively - to two key players. extreme circumstances call for extreme measures. did i pick up udonnis haslem? yes i did. and i'm keeping him.
third, if it wasn't clear already, i will be passionately rooting for clown punchers against you this week. i have already proposed a steve nash + shawn marion for matt bonner + earl watson trade which i feel will be beneficial for both teams.


Drop adds by: Ultra Magnus (magloirev)
Apr 11 12:35pm
I love that you counted how many people I drop/added during the week...


attention to detail by: The Peoples' Champs (j_record_deal)
Apr 11 2:34pm
accuracy is important to me


Protocols by: Derelicte (drouhier14)
Apr 11 2:38pm
I think, I must have violated some sh*t talking protocols here. I will now show the error in my ways with a handy timeline.
-Before the week started I told you that I would beat you.
-I beat you.
-I reminded you that I beat you.

What did I miss? It seems I was to include a running commentary of how I was beating you throughout the course of the week. That was my mistake. We spilled over into email discussion where it was with extreme calm told you that I was not worried about your little uprising.

I encourage you to say mombasa at every turn. I think its a funny nickname to reflect the muffled desperation on your face when you turned to a 15 minute a game bench player out of panic and came to depend upon him implicitly in your run. Take it from one who knows, using the humor to deflect attention away from your issues is a wondrous tool. I plan to make a living off this one day. "Look! its comedy! I've made a funny nickname for a terrible player and if/when I am defeated, it will be a cute little safety net".


paper champion by: The Peoples' Champs (j_record_deal)
Apr 12 9:25am
yeah yeah yeah derelicte. i want this entire exchange cut and pasted and made into a funnydanny.com blog internet posting.


Done...by: Derelicte (drouhier14)
Apr 12 9:41am
and Done...

Fin.

This Is Why You Don't Teach Kids How to Dial 911...

24 continues to be the hotness. At first, I was a bit skeptical of the direction of having Progan (president Logan) be behind everything. He was playing possum which I'm told means that you have to be an indecisive, whiny little punk-a$$ b*tch so that no one will suspect you...

At first, I was not pleased with this but now, I am convinced there is someone else pulling the strings. I am certain that Progan was manipulated; maybe by Robocop, maybe someone else we haven't even figured out yet. Either way, Progan is a patsy as he's been the whole time.

The show last night was rocking untenable amounts of tightness. Moving right along. Tons of momentum. The hour was whipping by. Then...all the mo got sucked out with an awk speech from Mrs. Logan to Progan. She apologized and forgave him for everything that happened THAT DAY. Remember, this isn't weeks like it is for us, its a day.

RECAP: He sent her away to an insane asylum, ignored her, embarrassed her, let terrorists attack her, and ignored her again...in one day. Hey, give it a week to simmer. I'd be kinda pissed about that stuff. Even if I knew I was wrong, I'd be recapping that 'then the f*cking dudes shot a bazooka at my limo. Who has a bazooka? Even the GI Joe character named Bazooka didn't always carry one. They were awkward to transport!' incident for at least the rest of the day...

The dude pictured, Miles, aka 'gay robot voice', is one of my least favorite actors of my lifetime. That dude goes under the file of: 'OH, I totally have seen that dude before...he was so annoying in...whatchucallit?...ummmm...oh...crap...well, I've totally seen him before.'

Dude's name is Stephen Spinella. You've seen him in...every tv drama show ever. He dominates the role of 'unlikeable, snippy, awkwardly effeminate character who is painfully short-sighted'.

Pretty chill this week after the DC Comedy Festival. And yes, the festival was awesome. Ryan Conner, Rory Scovel, and I will be at the University of Maryland on Monday with comic genius Daniel Tosh. This is one of your last chances to see my boy Ryan in this area because he's moving up...to the east side...to the deluxe apartment...in the sky...next to a dude who goes in and out of a british accent and is always over-dressed around the apartment...

Sadness

With apologies to all for a non-humorous blog entry. I must take this time to commemorate the passing of Abby, beloved Yellow Lab of the Rouhier home. I will miss her. She wasn't perfect, far from it. She couldn't cross open spaces or fit through narrow passages because she was kind of weird. But we loved her and she was great.

RIP Abby Daisy.

I Thought About It...

And I decided that I am going to become the biggest star ever and I will send a note to a certain someone asking him the following:

"What do you think of my material now?"

Sorry this is awkward.

Glossary and Spellex

I don't know what a Spellex is but I always remember it at the back of text books...

As a public service, before me popularity sweeps the nation and I become a deity of comedic enterprises, I wanted to give you, the reader a little segment that magazines have tried to do in the past called: "What are your kids saying?" Where slang terms are analyzed and defined for parents. Your FunnyDanny uses several terms and here I will provide a definition and the origin so you know what your pretend children might be saying in an undefined length of time.

Mirth(ful) = Goodness, joy, feelings of palpable wonderfulness.
Origin -FunnyDanny

Filth(y) = Disgusting but not always in a bad way (eg. FunnyDanny exhibited 'filthy' dance moves). Difficult to top, sweaty, possibly mirthful, unappealing to outsiders but especially appealing to those within the group, grimey, amusing, talented...
Origin - My boys Jon, Hutto, Stran-jay, and FunnyDanny/Baseball terminology

Honks = undesirable, terrible, uncomfortable, the worst. An un-good situation by any standards. Frustating, irritating, a debacle.
Origin - My boys Quinn, Brain, and FunnyDanny

HHHHHooooooollllllller = Awkward segway either on stage or off. Uncomfortable transition. Nothing else to say so the awk is turned around.
Origin - Rory Scovel, Ryan Conner, FunnyDanny

Segggs (Also, make the seggs, do the seggs, seggsual congress) = intercourse. Usually refers to deviance of some kind. Never refers to significant others because those stories are not interesting.
Origin - Jon, FunnyDanny

Bama = This is a tricky definition to nail down b/c it is quite broad. One can never fully describe all aspects of a bama. Here are some. Usually male. Can be popular but is actually worthless. Can be liked but only by other bamas and terrible chicks. Might use terms seen on hip hop shows in common parlance. Might say things like, "git 'er done" in all seriousness. Usually, fits into a stereotype of a certain group/excessively representative of a demographic. Always a derogatory term. Can range from 'Sh*t-eating southern capitol hill guy in a suit at a dive bar' to a redneck kid with too much base in his car and jewelry to a person that dresses excessively 'hip hop, without any sort of recording deal in place...
Origin - St. Albans School for boys student lounge...

The Hotness = Tight, desirable, entertaining
Origin - FunnyDanny, Paris Hilton

Tight (the tightness, super-tight, game-tight, playoff tight) = mirthful, desirable, wondrous, special, good
Origin - originally, St. Albans School for boys student lounge. Brought back by FunnyDanny, Rams, and others

Mint = Particularly apt, or well fitting. A well placed stroke or trump. Not always tight. Exhibits traits of a RUYA or Whammy!
Origin - Edward William Jeffcoat Pell

RUYA (also see RUMA, RUHA, and RUQA for my boy Quinn and RULA for my friend Lucie) = acronym for 'Right Up Your A$$'. Usually combined with the International symbol for 'RUYA'...
Origin - Brain

Crushed (crushing, crush) = Dominated on stage. Great set that is well received.
Origin - Ryan Conner, FunnyDanny

Young = bootsy, of or pertaining to something that honks, beat, unfortunate, annoying, irritating, sub-par, and unneccessary obstacle's traits, hard to believe because of terribleness.

HR 57 tonight at 7. Funniest young comics in DC trying out for the Letterman Show. Join us...or die. www.dccomedyfest.com for info and tix.

Finally...It Begins

The DC Comedyfest really gets going tonight. www.dccomedyfest.com for details, tickets, and that really awesome smell of new shoes.

I'm at the Warehouse Next Door Theater (1021 7th Street) at 7 PM tonight, HR-57 (1610 14th Street) for the Letterman Audition Show at 7 on Friday, and back at Warehouse at 7 on Saturday.

Tonight, I am performing with 2 of my best friends in comedy, Doug Powell and Justin Schlegel. These also happen to be the two best comics in the country that are not yet household names (although Justin cannot take a potty break in Baltimore without someone offering to give him a blumpie and a coupon). I did a tune-up set at Dremos last night to gird up my loins for the weekend. Doug was there and destroyed the place like I have never seen. Literally. I have crushed there, Rory has crushed there, Ryan Conner has crushed there as have others. None of those sets even begins to compare to what Doug did last night. A hostile crowd was turned and howled with mirthful laughter and applause throughout Douglass' set. Amazing. Doug has been doing it for 6 years and reminded me why he is just flat out great.

If you attend the show tonight, you will see an incredible show. My only job: do not f*ck up and get out of the way.

Next Topic:

Several weeks ago, I tried to start a blog-off (Your boy Zoolander is rolling...its a blog-off) with Irish Female Comic Erin Conroy. She was about as responsive as a DMV employee on break time. I love Erin. She was one of the people that was really nice to me at the beginning of my 'career' and she helped me a lot getting started. She's a great comic that we lost to New York. That said, Erin sucks at blog-offs. After 3 weeks, I emailed her and basically said: "Will you please write something stupid-head?" Here is what she wrote: http://www.comedianerinconroy.blogspot.com/

Isn't she precious? Don't you just wanna give her a hug and tell her not to worry? Who's my little Irish Comic? Who is it? Who is she? Its Erin...yes you are...yes you are...

Here is why I am pissed at Conroy to recap:

1) She left DC.
2) She's not coming back for the DC Comedyfestival. She didn't even apply! I wanted to hit a home run coach, but I decided not to swing the bat.
3) She updates her blog once a month. For the last time, I am bored! Its not about you. I need this. Mention my name more often.
4) She is from Buffalo. Who is from there? Honestly...
5) We both went to GW. Every time I mention this to her, she is surprised to hear it. Which means she doesn't listen to me which is the ultimate way to hurt this attention-starved mid-20s dance machine.
6) She and Alicia Gomes left me a voicemail once where they made fun of my voicemail greeting. It says that I am a comic. I have left this because it irritates my comic friends. Also, I am immature and stubborn so I haven't changed it for some bizarre competitive reason. I'm not even sure who I'm proving a point to anymore. And somehow...I blame Erin.

There it is. Its out there. Public Space. On record. So come on you Smelly Pirate Hooker from Whore Island. Let's do this. See you this weekend not.

P.S. for both the non-comedians reading this blog: its important to remember that we are trained professionals. Comedian blog-offs can get pretty dangerous to untrained persons and pregnant women should not read blog-offs. Remember, do not try this in civilized society, you could get arrested or slapped in the mouth.

Remember Remember the 5th of November...

V For Vendetta is awesome. What a cool movie. Natalie Portman-Rouhier is an incredible actress. She's just flat out really good at acting. Really entertaining and well done. See it and absorb the mirth.

Unrelated topic:

Some complete sh*t bag took out my side mirror yesterday. The rule should be thus:

I get a choice.

Choice 1:

He/She should not only have to pay for the replacement and take time out of his/her day to deal with it instead of me getting the shaft. Even if I were to be compensated for the amount, the 'PIA' or pain in the a$$ factor is still really high.

Choice 2:

I get to exert physical violence on his/vehicle until I'm satisfied. Crow bar, baseball bat, whatever. They should have to watch as I go to town. I will give hitting pointers as I do it:

"Keep your head still..."

"Now, the key to making consistent contact is to keep your balance...so when I take my stride and go to make contact (smash against the windshield), I want to stay on balance all the way through contact."

"OK, watch my bottom half...watch the hips explode into the point of contact...(smashing the sideview mirror off the car) boom! Right there did you see that? That's where your power comes from..."

DC Comedyfest. Its on like when Poppy gets spinach and Voltron forms...

Worst Blog Ever

Sorry for the lateness. Zero humor today. Show in Richmond with Jon Mumma, Rory Scovel, and Odyssey Michaels was a lot of fun last night. I cannot wait for the days when my comedy boys and I get in a bus and drive around the county doing comedy and chicks throw their underpants...at rock stars because comics don't get that kind of love.

DC Comedyfest is this weekend. Its really going to be amazing. So many great acts from around the country are going to be here. I'm pumped, amped, and also stoked. Check out www.dccomedyfest.com for details. If you don't, you are not cool.

I have to NBA fantasy basketball teams. We are now in the playoffs. In league #1 I am in first place. After a flat out dominant regular season. I received a first round bye and begin the drive for the title tonight against an upstart 6th place team that has a lot of grit...

In league #2, I finished in 2nd place and also received a first round bye. Also in this league are fellow comics Ryan Conner and Steve Drumm. It should be noted, that these were the only two teams not to make the playoffs. Ryan, who has made fun of me in the past, went with the awesome draft/player acquisition strategy of having only Chicago Bulls on his team. Note: the old Bulls of my youth with Jordan, Pippen, etc were awesome. I rooted for them because I knew I was watching the greatest athlete of all time. The new Bulls, make me want to eat poison and die at a high school reunion. They are the most annoying team in the league by so far its not even close.

I begin my drive for the title against my boy Jon tonight. Jon's team makes tons of 3s he is bolstered in his other categories with deplorable role players like: Nenad Kristic and Darko Milicic. I have no one like this on my squad. Should I win? Absolutely. Will I win? That's why you play the games...

Spring Forward Sucks

Hey, remember that hour of sleep that you cherish above all else? Yeah, we're gonna take that. It happens every year. 1) I am always surprised when it happens. I never know when the time switch occurs. I always hear about it the day of in passing. 2) Easily one of the worst things about being alive is the loss of sleep when the clocks go forward.

Transition...

I am at the Richmond Funny Bone tonight. My boy Oddssey Michaels has put together a Monday show at the funny bizzle that should be hot like the inside of a microwave burrito after it has been microwaved on high and you ignore the instructions to let it cool and you take a bite and have to make that awkward sucking sound to get some air on your tongue because you burned it and the roof of your mouth feels awkward for a couple days...it will be like that. www.richmondfunnybone for details.

Transition...

The Saturday night show at the Bethesda Hyatt was super cool with high levels of awesomeness. Go to this show the next time they have it and then always go everytime after that. Its cool. I had a very good set on Sat. I was worried because...well because the crowd was old. Not like 32-33 like old, but like its awkward to try and guess an age because it could be over 60 like old. But, these old people? They were down with the pimpstyle. They also found me humorous. I have a new favorite category of person. Replacing the Asian teenager who works in the video game section of Best Buy/Target and is outstandingly knowledgeable about all video game topics and is thrilled to have someone who wants to tap into his knowledge, at the top of the new list: Old people with a good sense of humor that say unexpected and shocking things.

After the show, several people came up to me and said nice things. huge fan of this. The best was a couple that engaged me for a short time. The sweetest looking old lady came up to me and said the following:

"I thought you were so funny..."

Me: "Thank you. That's so nice of you to say..."

"I have a question for you. You used some word...what's a donkey-punch?"

(Its a quick tag in one of my jokes...)

Me: "............uh..... Well, I don't know if...uhhhhhhh......"

Then the dude speaks up: "I've heard of a couple of those...The Dirty Sanchez, tea-bagging..."

His wife laughs. I stare at them in disbelief...Completely flustered I say:

"Yeah...well...there's a lot of those terms out there..."

Lady: "They just put funny names on stuff that people do."

Me: "I don't know too many people that are rocking the donkey-punch on a regular basis..."

Lady: "That one didn't sound like much fun. Do you know any fun ones?"

These people are old. I am so uncomfortable at the thought of other old people doing deviance. Its like, if you can talk about the depression anecdotally, you are not allowed to know what a 'rusty trombone' or a 'Tonesian Pile Driver' or even a 'Portuguese Breakfast' is. That should be a rule. I'm cool with them knowing about the 'Angry Admiral' because that's not a generational thing...