Filthiest Weekend on Record.

I feel disgusting. There is a thin film of ickiness that surrounds me as I sit in my cubicle. Its not so much that 'I haven't showered in 4 days and just put lotion on' feeling; rather, its a 'I can't believe that happened' kind of afterglow that can only come from a true debacle. There are many parts. Some public, some private, some sweaty and some dangerous. There are lies and untruths and there are amazing achievements and shameful developments. One important fact remains, the police officer that pulled me over on Friday night should get kicked in the groin every hour for the rest of his life.

Begin Part 1: Along with Chris White, I participated in the NACA Mid-Atlantic Region Showcase at Gettysburg College. Chris got a bigger deal slot than I did and he performed at 8:15 in a huge theater in Gettysburg. I was planning on going but I got sucked into the Albany/UCONN game where Albany was up 12 with 6 minutes left. I've seen Chris before but I 've never seen a 16 seed beat a 1 seed as its never happened. So I got to the theater a little while after Chris had finished. I ran into a really funny dude named Andy Hendrickson. Good dude, good comic, GREAT hair.

Fast forward after I have killed several hours and one of those 'meal replacement' bars from the local convenience store. Note: These things do not taste like chocolate chip cookie dough as advertised. Rather, they taste like flour if you could make flour into a paste. It did not replace my meal, it gave me indigestion and that clammy/sweaty feeling where you think: "I'm not really going to puke now am I?". For shame meal replacement bar company...shame.

My performance wasn't scheduled until 11:30 PM. For those that are outside the know, I am basically auditioning for college kids who are on program boards, joint councils, activities planning committees or whatever other fancy sounding term that really anal overachiever of your sorority participated in. I performed 3 different 5 minute sets in 3 different rooms. I literally did 5 minutes, ran to another room did 5, ran to another room and did 5 and was done. It was really strange. It felt like I was cattle being herded to an execution point and no one could decide on where we were going to do it.

Coolest part about it was getting to meet a couple of the kids that organize the whole thing. Really amazing they can pull something like this off. They can organize a regional showcase event for dozens of performers and hundreds of schools to send reps and I do not know what I am going to eat for lunch today. I think I've gotten a couple of bookings out of this with a few more possibly on the way. So, I think we have to call it a success. Incredible amounts of thank yous to DC Comedy Agency for putting my leash on and leading me around the dog show. These amazing people are also putting on the 2nd Annual DC Comedyfest April 5-8 which is going to be fantastic and if you don't go see some of these shows you are a stupidhead and I can't help you.

End Part 1.

I am currently in a government office space. There is a calendar hanging above my desk. I just noticed the following: This is calendar is very simple; no frills, just the numbers and days of the week. At the bottom, in smaller print it says 2 things.

1) "United States Government".
-Cool. I'm down with that. Makes it official and such.

2) "Sexual Harassment Is A Form of Discrimination"
-What? That is on an official government issued calendar. That's what they went with? A different perspective on why sexual harassment is wrong? No one is pro sexual harassment. You don't have to drop selling points on standard issue calendars to convince people that its not cool. If you are going to do that, just put the reminder up there: "Sexual harassment is Illegal". Don't give me some kind of vague philosophical interpretation on my government issued calendar. We want facts here. And how is it discrimination? Am I discriminating against the other chicks in the office by only harassing one? Am I discriminating against the dudes?

When I first started my old job, I had to go to a seminar about preventing sexual harassment and child abuse. I was lectured to for 4 hours about why child abuse is wrong. I couldn't believe I had to listen to that. How about you find out before hand if your new employee is going to abuse children before you hire him instead of making everyone sit through a seminar about why its wrong to abuse children. Later, we had 'roundtable discussions' on harassment in the workplace. These women were going overboard and every scenario the group leader came up with brought on a huge response about how inappropriate that was.

Ex: "The boss, "Mr. James", asked the new girl 'Debbie' out on a date. She politely said, 'no' because she was seeing someone else.

This drew the eyre of several of these women. I finally spoke up and said: 'I'm not sure why we are getting upset about this. Sometimes men ask women out. Sometimes they say no. I've been rejected plenty of times and will probably be rejected at some point today. I'm afraid I don't see what the big deal is.'

All the other dudes in the room had a 'yeah, wait a minute...' look on their faces as if they were coming out of a trance. The women all lashed out at me as I had used the only thing capable of undermining their power: 'rational thought'.

More coming on the weekend. Note: Always remember the volume of filth...