Part IV

I realize that its Thursday and I'm still writing about last weekend. If you could see my face right now, you would know that I'm making the 'I am absolutely fine with this' face. Last night, Rory Scovel, Jared Stern, and I worked at the American University heat of the District's Funniest College Competition. Jared did a great job hosting. He's not a super-energy guy but was still able to get the crowd going in the right direction; great understanding about how shows work. Rory had an awesome set to get the crowd back after a few suspect comics took the stage (not trying to be a d*ck here, many of them were up for the first time. Its not easy to do what we do). I went up after him and proceeded to consume a poo burger. I was terrible and the crowd, acknowledging my terribleness, was silent. I stunk. That's always fun.

Back to Miami:

I have just asked the cab driver how his day is going. Giddyup...

Stunning Cab Driver (SCD): "Bullsh*t man, is all bullsh*t. Tired of this bullsh*t man..."

Me: "What's up man?"

SCD: "All the f*cking bullsh*t drama man with this f*cking b*tch man...I tell her, that I want to be with her...and she has a kid and I know the kid, and I tell them that I want her to come here. She don't come here, she want to stay where she is and then b*tch at me when I don't come up there. She live an hour away man. I suppose' to drive in the cab all day then drive to where she is and not be tired? She get pissed off. She don't do sh*t up there and she won't come down live with me. I got it all set man and she won't do it. Well I say f*ck that sh*t!"

Me: "Yeah, you don't need that kind of drama..."

SCD: "That's what I tell her man. She got her sister up there and her sister got problems. She don't want to leave her sister 'cause her sister is a bad influence on her. Always putting bullsh*t in her head. Last time I was up there man, she gonna come at me like that with all that bullsh*t man. I had to bust her a$$ and that only make my girl mad!'

Me: "Right, you don't need that kind of drama..."

(Editor's Note: Funny Danny does not endorse domestic violence or violence against women. He was only trying to let this man know that he was in fact not in need of this sort of dramatics. Also, as a side, typically, at least in my experience, if you 'bust the a$$' of a female of sibling of the female your courting, it will lead to some sort of disagreement at some point.)

SCD: "Yeah man. I don't need that f*cking bullsh*t. I go out and f*ck another girl. I don't care. I love this girl and I say that she need to come here but she don't. We are supposed to go to Aruba next week. I have this whole vacation paid for and we are going right? Last night I say, 'F*ck Aruba. I ain't going with you because you f*cking crazy!' Bullsh*t man.

Me: "Yup. You don't really need that kind of drama..."

SCD: "So what you doing down here man?"

Me: "We got a bachelor party this weekend and..."

SCD: "Oh my God. Tell your friend he make a mistake. Don't do it you know? She crazy. All women is crazy. I tell my girl that she don't even have to pay bills for as long as she need. It ain't like she got a f*cking job for sh*t where she live. But her b*llshit sister is up there with all the bullsh*t you know man."

(Note: SCD and I are now really close friends. You don't share that much of your life with someone and not become close to them. I am an usher at his wedding...if he ever has one.)

Me: "............."

SCD: "Where you going? Is on Collins Ave?"

Me: "Yeah, its 1825 Collins Ave..."

SCD: "OK, I know it. F*cking bullsh*t..."

Next several minutes are in silence. I feel the fatigue leaving my body. I am exhausted, sweaty, and slightly cranky because of Officer Anal Argonaut from Frederick, but all that begins to dissipate. This man has just given me the fuel for my emotional tank. Top it off good sir...top it off.

We arrive at the Riande and I proceed to the pool area where the rest of my party awaits. Stories come out from the night before. Lost wallets, puking, a stripper named Madonna, a rival bachelorette party, and sweat...lots of sweat...

Part V awaits us. Please exit to your left and make sure to stop off at the photo kiosk to grab some pictures of your ride...