WWWWWHHHHHHAAAAAAAAMMMMY!

I did a set at Dr Dremos last night. It went OK. Just trying to get ready for the big NACA show in Gettysburg. I'm getting the details of this show and it sounds uber-intense. I'm really excited about the possibilities of this leading to my taking over the universe. First thing I'm going to do is appoint Robocop as director of security. My secret service will be made up of Panthro from Thundercats, Optimus Prime, Bazooka from GI Joe, VICKI from Small Wonder, Mr. Belvedere, Beast from X-Men, and Von Kaiser from Mike-Tyson's Punchout.

After the show, I had the incredibly fortunate opportunity to hang out with several tight honies who were kind enough to come out to the show. There was also one dude named Bob who, in addition to having a name that is a palindrome, frequently travels to Alaska.

Bob: "Gotta run guys. I'm going to Alaska."

-"Seriously? But no one goes there Bob not even..."

Bob: "Sure they do. Literally tens of people go to Alaska each year. Name a city in Alaska..."

-"I...I can't..."

Bob: "Sounds like somebody should take a trip...to either Juneau or Anchorage, the only two cities in Alaska."

After some quality time, I gave 2 ladies a ride home because your funnydanny is a generous and kind person. Note: this is only true when I'm trying to impress chicks. It makes up for the stuttering and sweating...

As we rode in the car, one girl (G 1) came incredibly strong with the following news tidbit:

"My friend has herpes."

I pulled the car over, took my time, and then said: 'ummmmmm what?'

The other girl (G 2) said: "no suprise...I mean, she hooks up a lot."

Me: "Not anymore."

Wow. I know someone who knows someone with the Yerps. The f*cking Yerps! Its like I'm in 7th grade again and I'm watching a video from the early 80s about STDS and I'm going: 'no way dude, no way anyone ever gets that' and my boy Quinn goes: 'Actually man, you know _____? He's got that sh*t'.

Is there a bigger buzzkill in the history of the world? Holy crap that sucks. How do those phone calls go? On both sides.

-Herpes Girl (HG) calls a dude she has hooked up with.
-Dude, is kind of excited at first thinking that he was such a stud, she had to call him to schedule further consultation.
-Dude is excited.
-After awkward small talk, dude thinks he knows where conversation is going.
-Dude is completely wrong. HG: "yeah...so anyway...I just found out that I have Herpes Simplex 10 (c/o Eddie Murphy. Come back to us man.). So...you might want to get checked out..."
-Dude: "Whhhaaammmmy".

Wow. I mean wow. Want an absurd turn of events. Dude goes from: 'Repeat customers b*tches! Man do I know how to put it down!' to 'My life is over'.

Seriously, I know its not fair and I know I'm being totally shallow about this...I'm also pretty sure that I'm misinformed and closed minded on the subject...I'm also sure that someone may write me a nasty letter with herpes on it...but, I could never hook up with anyone with herpes. Ever. Just hearing that word makes me wilt. All I can do is say: 'Oh my God' over and over.

I am now terrified. That's a horror movie right there. Put that in 'Saw III'. The dude has to hook up with a chick with the Yerps to get out of a room or something.

OK, I'm done.

My weekend is going to be absurd. Friday night in Gettysburg, the show starts at 11:30 PM and ends at 12:30 AM with some stuff likely to follow. I fly out the next morning at 8:45 AM from DC to join my boys' bachelor party in Miami. I fly back in Sunday night. Why do I do it? Because I'm a godd*mned rock star that's why. Note: its actually note because of that.