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Below you will find the following elements: mirth, joy, humor, mockery, insinuation, sport, politics, comedy, rants, awkwardness, opinions, communacable disease, self-promotion, and lingo. Enjoy.

Friday, February 29, 2008

Socialism


I stink at being social with people. I am a hermity homebody that wants to go to a show, perform, then go home to play video games. I like my friends and e'reethang, but I don't have much fun in groups where I don't know people. Some of my boys are the opposite.net. My boy Michel for instance, you can drop that dude anywhere and within 48 seconds, he will have established a common ground and charmed the pants off of every person in the room. He likes it. Meeting new people is fun for him. Not me.

I don't know whether is social anxiety, laziness, a lack of patience or what. I do know that the biggest challenge I have faced since moving to New York to pursue comedy full time hasn't been the comedy...wait, did that just come off like: 'I know I'm amazing at comedy, it's not that. It's some other thing unrelated to my awesomeness...'? Fine. I'm amazing at comedy. Whatevs. Anyway, the hardest thing hasn't been performing. When I've gotten up, by enlarged, I've done fine. It's the other stuff. It's getting to know the people that book the rooms, where to go, who to talk with, who to avoid. The 'getting my name out there' has been the most daunting thing by far.

I thought that once I got myself on tv, I'd be totally set. Hello everyone. Please line up in an orderly fashion and I'll deal with your booking offerings one at a time. Hasn't happened. Far from it. In fact, nothing has happened. No one cares. I did more for myself in this scene last night by going to 2 shows an not performing. I just hung out...hanged out? I was there hanging out, I will hang out, we hung out...I hang...ed? Weird.

But that's what happened. I went and I talked to people. I hated every second of it. I wanted to perform and then leave. It's not that the people I was talking to were awful or something. Far from it. There are some really great guys up here who are in the exact spot I'm in. I talked to a bunch of them last night. It's just that it's the part I hate. There are some comics who can just go to show after show, pack-dogging the booker until they score a spot. I can't. Well, I can I guess, I just don't want to. It's like pulling teeth. Well, I pulled a tooth last night. Hopefull I can do it some more and make use of my time in NYC.

As for the picture, that is Melkor addressing Ungoliant from the Silmarillion. Melkor was Sauron's superior and one of the 1st born of the world. Ungoliant was the mother of Shelob (giant spider that Frodo and Sam face in Mordor) and the weaver of darkness...as in she spun actual darkness. I chose it because I feel like Melkor sometimes in that I kind of sing my own tune and I could exist in harmony with the other 1st born of the world but I don't. I choose to employ a demon to spin darkness instead. The parallel is there; you just have to want to see it.

Monday, February 25, 2008

F-ing Matt Damon...a Response

Normally, I think Jimmy Kimmel should be typing this blog and I should be doing his show. I have to admit though, this cracked me up. The amount of celeb appearances is staggering:



No way I could get those guys to post for a funny video I wanted to do. I have no pull. Whatever.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Celeb Justice

America is obsessed with celebrities. Celeb news has replaced actual news and it's absurd. There are these 'news shows' that are literally completely dedicated to reporting things like rehab stints, weight gains, and dining locations of stars. It's embarrassing. No one has ever said it better than this:





I know I haven't said anything new here. My only distinction I like to throw up there is that I don't actually mind someone being famous if they've accomplished something. Acting in a movie is an accomplishment. It's not an amazing one, but it's something. Being a singer or actor isn't as cool as say, this:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/19/science/19carb.html?_r=2&oref=slogin&oref=slogin

What I really hate is when someone is famous for no reason, then uses said fame to do things that others can't. So when Heidi Montage makes a music video and sells on itunes, that is literally stopping a deserving artist from getting air time. The morbid fascination that we have with talentless people that have been thrown in our faces never ceases to amaze me. Reality tv participants have agents and I can't get a call back.

Example: Lindsay Lohan has been in movies. Before she was a gong show on stilts, she was in the Parent Trap. She had talent. Now, she hasn't used it well and hasn't gotten much better, but you know what? I have no problem with her being famous.

Paris Hilton: She participated in seggsual acts on videotape. She is the daughter of a rich dude. She has since parlayed this into a multinational corporation on her own (clothing, handbags, shoes, music career, movies and tv appearances). This is a steaming load of bull-shite delivered to every front door in a wicker basket.

It is certainly a bit excessive how we obsess over the 'Bradjelinas', the Cruise wives, and all the rest. I can kind of forgive that because they've all done something with their lives. They all worked before they got big. They put in some dues; not the same kind of dues as lots of us, but they worked. Hacks like this b*tch on the right have literally had fame thrust upon them and they are milking it for all that's worth. The lead story on the news for months last year was Anna Nicole Smith and what was going to happen to her bastard child.

She posed naked. She got fat then lost wait. This was after the gold digging cologen unit married a 100 year old dude that couldn't walk. Ask yourself: why did I care?

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Roundabout Way and Fidel

How do you ask for something you know you don't deserve but really want? How do you ask someone to go out of their way to give you something that they are under no obligation to give you? I don't know how to do this. Nonetheless, I want to be included. Let's go to Mexico.


In real news, Fidel Castro (473), has announced that he will retire as 'President' of Cuba. The Washington Post said so: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/02/19/AR2008021900147.html?hpid=topnews

All it took was the US 50-some years of passive aggressive nagging to get him to retire. Hear that Kim Jong? We are so coming for you. This man will ultimately go down as one of the biggest thorns in the collective side of the United States. He literally opposed us at every turn and has never made it easy for us. This defiant sum-b*tch sat there, 40 miles off our borders thumbing his nose at us every day. Cuba, who's GDP is less than the combined salaries of 40 something Major League baseball players who have defected, has stood as our enemy for decades. Terrible dude...Whoever put him in power was a moron...what's that? We did? Really? When?....Oh yeah, then the bay thing with the...yeah...the missiles and whatnot...awkward.

The impact from Castro's departure remains to be seen but I can tell you one repercussion. I am losing $5. I bet my mom that he would end his term in office via assassination. She went with 'other'. Pisses me off that I'm wrong. Also, please note that the photo of him above was airbrushed.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

STUNNING

Fubu (maybe FUBU...no one knows). If you are a comic in the DC area, know a DC comic or go to any shows with any frequency, you will hear this story in the coming days. I was there. I still cannot believe it. Wow. There are no photos and I can't find a weblink for this guy. Giddyup

I went to Wiseacres in Tyson's Corner on Wednesday night. I haven't been there (outside from stopping by to pick up a tape from someone for 3 minutes) since January of 2005. I'm not going to put why in public space. Ask me if you care. Things have changed now. Andy Kline, Randolph T, and Rob Maher are running the open mic now. I'm totally on board with that. It's a good spot again. Still a lot of comics, but still. Good for those guys.

A bunch of my buddies are there. After a few of us had gone up, a particularly ATROCIOUS comic went up. His 5 minutes was, to be kind, embarrassing, crass, disgusting, and offensive. He wasted everyone's time. Throughout his racist and overtly graphic sexual items (I can't call it material), the comics in the room quietly groaned and exchanged glances as if to see: 'man is this really bad'. He had a clownish appearance.

Picture how you would mock someone that aspired to dress like Kevin Federline but was unable to afford to do so. He wore a hat sideways with a zip up sweatshirt that was open. He was very Vanilla Ice. Now, many of you might not know this but those of you that do will agree, this dude was an incredible bama. A tremendous bama of epic proportions. Sometimes, people can debate over whether or not a certain person is a bama. Fubu should be a starting point. What a terrible dude. The clothing line FUBU stands for 'For Us By Us'...Fubu at Wiseacres was a white guy from somewhere in VA. In comedy, the most bamafied thing you can do is to give yourself a stage name that isn't related to your own name. Unless Fubu's real name is 'Funderburke Burger', it's so awful I can't even think straight.

He referred to himself as a 'Wigger'. Allow me a quick moment here to editorialize. That wombo (word combo) is as offensive (if not more so) than the actual N-word. It should never be used under any circumstances. Instead, use 'Wack' (white black).

Back to the tale. The merciful end to his set was upon us. We were all grateful. We had no idea what was to come next.

Fubu: 'Before I get outta here, y'all ever heard of the floating penis bit? Aiiight...'

Fubu takes the microphone out of the stand. He unscrews the chord and takes it into the crowd; holding it aloft. (note, this is someone's bit. I can't remember who's but it's not original.) He goes a way into the crowd. The comics are all rolling their eyes and are looking around waiting for this to be over...then...HE LEFT. I don't mean he left the stage. I mean, HE LEFT THE CLUB. Gone.

He took the mic and left the club. For a second, everyone is stunned. Then a couple of guys ran out to the hallway to see if they could find him. Fubu was gone. Luckily, Andy and the club had another mic and the show went on, with everyone taking shots at Fubu. What a douche! I saw it and I still can't believe it happened.

I really hope that Wiseacres presses charges. I think there was a guy shooting video. Evidence b*tches. I want Fubu to pay for what he is, not for what he did. I mean wow.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

It's So Important for Hillary to Lose

I cannot stress how important this is. This is only 1 EXAMPLE of why Hillary Clinton in office would be a disaster. She is the worst. If you have any inclination of voting for her, please, I beg you, please do a little research. This story from the WALL STREET JOURNAL is just the tip of the iceberg.

The article is pasted below. Again, please, this is so important.

The Clintons' Terror Pardons

By DEBRA BURLINGAME
February 12, 2008; Page A17

It was nearly 10 p.m. on New Year's Eve, 1982. Two officers on New York Police Department's elite bomb squad rushed to headquarters at One Police Plaza, where minutes earlier an explosion had destroyed the entrance to the building. Lying amid the carnage was Police Officer Rocco Pascarella, his lower leg blasted off.

"He was ripped up like someone took a box cutter and shredded his face," remembered Detective Anthony Senft, one of the bomb-squad officers who answered the call 25 years ago. "We really didn't even know that he was a uniformed man until we found his weapon, that's how badly he was injured."

[The Clintons' Terror Pardons]

About 20 minutes later, Mr. Senft and his partner, Richard Pastorella, were blown 15 feet in the air as they knelt in protective gear to defuse another bomb. Detective Senft was blinded in one eye, his facial bones shattered, his hip severely fractured. Mr. Pastorella was blinded in both eyes and lost all the fingers of his right hand. A total of four bombs exploded in a single hour on that night, including at FBI headquarters in Manhattan and the federal courthouse in Brooklyn.

The perpetrators were members of Armed Forces of National Liberation, FALN (the Spanish acronym), a clandestine terrorist group devoted to bringing about independence for Puerto Rico through violent means. Its members waged war on America with bombings, arson, kidnappings, prison escapes, threats and intimidation. The most gruesome attack was the 1975 Fraunces Tavern bombing in Lower Manhattan. Timed to go off during the lunch-hour rush, the explosion decapitated one of the four people killed and injured another 60.

[The Clintons' Terror Pardon]

FALN bragged about the bloodbath, calling the victims "reactionary corporate executives" and threatening: "You have unleashed a storm from which you comfortable Yankees can't escape." By 1996, the FBI had linked FALN to 146 bombings and a string of armed robberies -- a reign of terror that resulted in nine deaths and hundreds of injured victims.

On Aug. 7, 1999, the one-year anniversary of the U.S. African embassy bombings that killed 257 people and injured 5,000, President Bill Clinton reaffirmed his commitment to the victims of terrorism, vowing that he "will not rest until justice is done." Four days later, while Congress was on summer recess, the White House quietly issued a press release announcing that the president was granting clemency to 16 imprisoned members of FALN. What began as a simple paragraph on the AP wire exploded into a major controversy.

Mr. Clinton justified the clemencies by asserting that the sentences were disproportionate to the crimes. None of the petitioners, he stated, had been directly involved in crimes that caused bodily harm to anyone. "For me," the president concluded, "the question, therefore, was whether their continuing incarceration served any meaningful purpose."

His comments, including the astonishing claim that the FALN prisoners were being unfairly punished because of "guilt by association," were widely condemned as a concession to terrorists. Further, they were seen as an outrageous slap in the face of the victims and a bitter betrayal of the cops and federal law enforcement officers who had put their lives on the line to protect the public and who had invested years of their careers to put these people behind bars. The U.S. Sentencing Commission affirmed a pre-existing Justice Department assessment that the sentences, ranging from 30 to 90 years, were "in line with sentences imposed in other cases for similar terrorist activity."

The prisoners were convicted on a variety of charges that included conspiracy, sedition, violation of the Hobbes Act (extortion by force, violence or fear), armed robbery and illegal possession of weapons and explosives -- including large quantities of C-4 plastic explosive, dynamite and huge caches of ammunition. Mr. Clinton's action was opposed by the FBI, the Bureau of Prisons, the U.S. attorney offices that prosecuted the cases and the victims whose lives had been shattered. In contravention of standard procedures, none of these agencies, victims or families of victims were consulted or notified prior to the president's announcement.

"I know the chilling evidence that convicted the petitioners," wrote Deborah Devaney, one of the federal prosecutors who spent years on the cases. "The conspirators made every effort to murder and maim. . . . A few dedicated federal agents are the only people who stood in their way."

Observed Judge George Layton, who sentenced four FALN defendants for their conspiracy to use military-grade explosives to break an FALN leader from Ft. Leavenworth Penitentiary and detonate bombs at other public buildings, "[T]his case . . . represents one of the finest examples of preventive law enforcement that has ever come to this court's attention in the 20-odd years it has been a judge and in the 20 years before that as a practicing lawyer in criminal cases."

The FBI cracked the cases with the discovery of an FALN safe house and bomb factory. Video surveillance showed two of those on the clemency list firing weapons and building bombs intended for an imminent attack at a U.S. military installation. FBI agents obtained a warrant and entered the premises, surreptitiously disarming the bombs whose components bore the unmistakable FALN signature. They found 24 pounds of dynamite, 24 blasting caps, weapons, disguises, false IDs and thousands of rounds of ammunition.

A total of six safe houses were ultimately uncovered. Seven hundred hours of surveillance video were recorded, resulting in a mountain of evidence connecting the 16 prisoners to multiple FALN operations past and present.

Federal law enforcement agencies considered these individuals so dangerous, extraordinary security precautions were taken at their numerous trials. Courthouse elevators were restricted and no one, including the court officers, was permitted to carry a firearm in the courtroom.

Given all this, why would Bill Clinton, who had ignored the 3,226 clemency petitions that had piled up on his desk over the years, suddenly reach into the stack and pluck out these 16 meritless cases? (The New York Times ran a column with the headline, "Bill's Little Gift.")

Hillary Rodham Clinton was in the midst of her state-wide "listening tour" in anticipation of her run for the U.S. Senate in New York, a state which included 1.3 million Hispanics. Three members of the Congressional Hispanic Caucus -- Luis V. Gutierrez (D., Ill.), Jose E. Serrano, (D., N.Y.) and Nydia M. Velazquez, (D., N.Y.) -- along with local Hispanic politicians and leftist human-rights advocates, had been agitating for years on behalf of the FALN cases directly to the White House and first lady.

Initial reports stated that Mrs. Clinton supported the clemencies, but when public reaction went negative she changed course, issuing a short statement three weeks after the clemencies were announced. The prisoners' delay in refusing to renounce violence "speaks volumes," she said.

The Clintons were caught in an awkward predicament of their own making. The president had ignored federal guidelines for commutation of sentences, including the most fundamental: The prisoners hadn't actually asked for clemency.

To push the deal through, signed statements renouncing violence and expressing remorse were required by the Justice Department. The FALN prisoners, surely relishing the embarrassment and discomfiture they were causing the president and his wife, had previously declined to accept these conditions. Committed and unrepentant militants who did not accept the authority of the United States, they refused to apologize for activities they were proud of in order to obtain a clemency they never requested.

So desperate was the White House to get the deal finalized and out of the news, an unprecedented 16-way conference call was set up for the "petitioners" who were locked up in 11 different federal facilities so that they could strategize a response to the president's offer. Two eventually refused to renounce their cause, preferring to serve out their lengthy sentences rather than follow the White House script.

Mr. Clinton's fecklessness in the handling of these cases was demonstrated by the fact that none of the prisoners were required, as a standard condition of release, to cooperate in ongoing investigations of countless unsolved FALN bombing cases and other crimes. Mrs. Clinton's so-called disagreement with her husband on the matter made no mention of that fact. The risk of demanding such a requirement, of course, was that the prisoners might have proudly implicated themselves, causing the entire enterprise to implode, with maximum damage to the president and potentially sinking Hillary Clinton's Senate chances.

Meanwhile, Puerto Rican politicians in New York who'd been crowing to their constituents about the impending release of these "freedom fighters" were enraged and insulted at Hillary Clinton's withdrawal of support. "It was a horrible blunder," said State Sen. Olga A. Mendez. "She needs to learn the rules."

The first lady called her failure to consult the Puerto Rican political establishment before assessing the entire issue a mistake "that will never happen again" -- even as the cops who had been maimed and disfigured by FALN operations continued to be ignored. Tom and Joe Connor, two brothers who were little boys when their 33-year-old father, Frank, was killed in the Fraunces Tavern attack, were dumbstruck to learn that White House staffers referred to the FALN militants as "political prisoners" and were planning a meeting with their children to humanize their plight.

Members of Congress viewed the clemencies as a dangerous abuse of presidential power that could not go unchallenged. Resolutions condemning the president's action were passed with a vote of 95-2 in the Senate, 311-41 in the House. It was the most they could do; the president's pardon power, conferred by the Constitution, is absolute. The House launched an investigation, subpoenaing records from the White House and Justice in an effort to determine whether proper procedure had been followed. President Clinton promptly invoked executive privilege, putting Justice Department lawyers in the impossible position of admitting that they had sent the White House a recommendation on the issue, but barred from disclosing what it was.

Twenty-four hours before a scheduled Senate committee hearing, the DOJ withheld the FBI's written statement about the history of the FALN and an assessment of its current terrorist capability. "They pulled the plug on us," said an unnamed FBI official in a news report, referring to the Justice Department decision to prevent FBI testimony.

The investigation revealed that the White House was driving the effort to release the prisoners, rather than the other way around. White House aides created talking points and strategies for a public campaign on the prisoners' behalf included asking prominent individuals for letters supporting clemency.

Jeffrey Farrow, a key adviser on the White House Interagency Working Group for Puerto Rico recommended meetings with the president and the three leading members of Congressional Hispanic Caucus who were pushing the effort, stating in a March 6, 1999 email, "This is Gutierrez's [sic] top priority as well as of high constituent importance to Serrano and Velazquez." The next day, White House Deputy Chief of Staff Maria Echaveste sent an email to White House Counsel Charles Ruff, who was handling the clemency issue, supporting Mr. Farrow's view, saying, "Chuck -- Jeff's right about this -- very hot issue." Another adviser in the Working Group, Mayra Martinez-Fernandez, noted that releasing the prisoners would be "fairly easy to accomplish and will have a positive impact among strategic communities in the U.S. (read, voters)."

And there you have it. Votes.

While the pardon scandals that marked Bill and Hillary Clinton's final days in office are remembered as transactions involving cronies, criminals and campaign contributors, the FALN clemencies of 1999 should be remembered in the context of the increasing threat of domestic and transnational terrorism that was ramping up during the Clinton years of alleged peace and prosperity. To wit, the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, the 1995 Tokyo subway Sarin attack, the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing, the 1995 "Bojinka" conspiracy to hijack airplanes and crash them into buildings, the 1996 Khobar Towers bombing, the 1996 Summer Olympics bombing, Osama bin Laden's 1996 and 1998 "Declarations of War" on America, the 1998 East African embassy bombings, the 2000 USS Sullivans bombing attempt, the 2000 USS Cole bombing, and the 2000 Millennium bombing plot.

It was within that context that the FBI gave its position on the FALN clemencies -- which the White House succeeded in keeping out of news coverage but ultimately failed to suppress -- stating that "the release of these individuals will psychologically and operationally enhance the ongoing violent and criminal activities of terrorist groups, not only in Puerto Rico, but throughout the world." The White House spun the clemencies as a sign of the president's universal commitment to "peace and reconciliation" just one year after Osama bin Laden told his followers that the United States is a "paper tiger" that can be attacked with impunity.

It would be a mistake to dismiss as "old news" the story of how and why these terrorists were released in light of the fact that it took place during the precise period when Bill Clinton now claims he was avidly engaged, even "obsessed," with efforts to protect the public from clandestine terrorist attacks. If Bill and Hillary Clinton were willing to pander to the demands of local Hispanic politicians and leftist human-rights activists defending bomb-makers convicted of seditious conspiracy, how might they stand up to pressure from other interest groups working in less obvious ways against U.S. interests in a post-9/11 world?

Radical Islamists are a sophisticated and determined enemy who understand that violence alone will not achieve their goals. Islamist front groups, representing themselves as rights organizations, are attempting to get a foothold here as they have already in parts of Western Europe by deftly exploiting ethnic and racial politics, agitating under the banner of civil liberties even as they are clamoring for the imposition of special Shariah law privileges in the public domain. They believe that the road to America's ultimate defeat is through the back door of policy and law and they are aggressively using money, influence and retail politics to achieve their goal.

On the campaign trail, the Clintons like to say that Bill is merely supportive and enthusiastic, "just like all the other candidates' spouses." Nothing could be further from the truth. Returning Bill and Hillary Clinton to the White House would present the country with the unprecedented situation of a former and current president simultaneously occupying the White House, the practical implications of which have yet to be fully explored.

The FALN clemencies provide a disturbing example of how the abuse or misuse of presidential prerogative, under the guise of policy, can be put in service of the personal and private activities of the president's spouse -- and beyond the reach of meaningful congressional oversight.

Ms. Burlingame, a former attorney and a director of the World Trade Center Memorial Foundation, is the sister of Charles F. "Chic" Burlingame III, the pilot of American Airlines flight 77, which was crashed into the Pentagon on Sept. 11, 2001.

Monday, February 11, 2008

98 tonight

Hey peeps,

Check me out on 98 rock tonight. I'll be on with Joe Robinson from 7-11. We're going to talk about the important issues...

Listen with a radio or at www.98online.com.

Holler

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

A New Blog

I am now writing an 2nd blog. I know that's ballsy when I don't update this one enough. Whatever. Stop undressing me with your eyes.

This is for the sports fans out there. There will be some pop culture but only as it relates to sports. For those of you that think sports are dumb, you are right. Whatever. It won't stop me from writing.

Check it when you have a sec:

http://www.washingtonnationalsnews.com/roos/weblog


Click on every link you see on the page once you get there. I get like $.08 every time you do it...so do it. Help pay for this internets time.