SATELLITE TICKET INFO

Speaking of Satellite, I ate breakfast this morning. McDonald's hotcakes. Really good. I ate my food expertly with just the right mix of pace and taste distribution with the sausage/butter/syrup. Rory had a bagel. Rory ate his pretty well too. Rory is in Satellite. It then hit me that all 7 members of Satellite are incredible eaters. We must the 7 best eaters in the DC and Baltimore area and anyone who doesn't think so is a mark a$$ busta, or a trick a$$ mark, or a mark a$$ mark busta punk b*tch.

OK, here we go. Satellite ticket information. Tickets are only $5. You must reserve them in advance because this show will sell out. You will reserve a ticket and receive a confirmation and then you must pay at the door. The show starts at 8 and if you are not there to claim your ticket by 7:50, it can be sold to walk-ups so get there early!

To reserve tickets, send an email with the following:
1) Your Name
2) The number of tickets you would like to reserve

Send the email to satelliteshows@gmail.com

Holler

Busboys & Poets

I just got booked to do a really cool show at Busboys & Poets tonight and tomorrow night at 10 PM. Tickets are $5. The show will be off of the chains. I am the feature act and the spectacular Larry poon is headlining. If you have never seen him, you have to. Incredible stuff.

2021 14th Street (14th and V). More info here: http://www.busboysandpoets.com/

I did a sweet set of shows last night. I did OK at Topaz then went to the Old Town Theater in...ummmm Old Town. I entertained the hell out of both audiences members with tomfoolery. Thanks to Naomi for throwing me on. I am certain that this place could be an excellent staging ground for some top flight guerilla satellite comedy. I told you all that things will be different in DC. You all will see soon enough.

Mexican Restaurants and Dremos

Stunning. That is the only word I can think of to describe the show I did Sunday night. I did a Christian Comedy night at a Mexican restaurant in Germantown. I could not make that up. There was gospel music playing before the show started and the intro I had to memorize for the headliner went just like this: "Here she is, all the way from Springfield, VA. She's here to bless you. Please put your hands together and praise the lord... ____________ (her name)"

She then sang some gospel music and the people loved it. No one in the place liked my jokes. The very nice lady who put the show together promised the crowd that none of the comics would make fun of the audience. After my jokes drew zero laughs, I resorted to making fun of the audience. There was a freshman in high school there and I gave him the tools to be the most popular kid in class for at least one day. His dad was cool and laughed at the appropriate times so he really stood out.

I called out one guy because he wouldn't clap and made it so awkward that he had no choice but to clap. I won. One of the comics ate a piece of chicken on stage and then did hurricane jokes. I will recommend him to the Boston Comedy Festival. Zing! It still hurts goddamnit.

I did Dremos tonight. Tried some new stuff that mostly went over well. I am officially retiring a joke. That is the hardest thing to do in comedy I think. I have tried so hard with this thing but it will simply not be funny. I have given it to Rory and told him to make it funny or kill it with a hot poker. There was a pack of super annoying chicks that were talking all through my set. Even after I made fun of them, they kept talking and the leader, the fattest one so I assume she was the leader, didn't get that I was making fun of her and she was ruining the show.

October 22nd is going to be incredible. 7 of the greatest comics to ever do comedy will avert the apocolypse with mind bending humor. Ticket info will come soon as soon as the rest of the DC comedy scene realizes that if we are successful it will be great for comedy in DC. There are a lot of open mics but not enough great rooms for comics to get paid. We are trying to start one and Curt Shackelford has been working his ass off for over a year to find one. Sorry if people are pissed but they need to see the big picture. I will tell you who does get it: Blaire Postman. She is the chair of the DC Comedyfestival and she is going to open tons of doors for deserving comics in this area. Go see Daniel Tosh at GW's Lisner Auditorium on Nov 4th. That guy is incredible and Blaire is bringing him in for a 'taste of the festival'.

Holler

Apologies

I had a post up here last night that I took down. If you didn't see it, doesn't matter. I put up a stupid inside joke to advertise our satellite show. I'm really sorry if I offended anyone as it wasn't my intent. I realize that an inside joke like that doesn't have any place in public domain. My bad to all. Dumb thing for me to do and it won't happen for a little while until I do something stupid again.

Thanks and sorry for the unfunny post. Boston was right.

Christian Comedy

Tonight, I am doing a show in Germantown, MD at a Mexican restaurant. I have been told that the show is to be 'profanity free'. Why? Great question, its because its Christian Comedy Night at the mexicn restaurant in Germantown, MD. Should be awesome.

I have been sick all weekend which has been miserable. Feeling much better now just in time to go to work tomorrow. Sweet. That's sweet like doing a christian comedy show.

I haven't done much in Germantown... in fact, the last time I was there was when I was playing basketball with current NBA player, Keith Bogans in a travel league. I thought I was good at basketball. I saw him play and realized that he was better than I was. At our first practice, I thought I had a open lay up. He came out of nowhere and swatted it into the stands like beach volleyball. He then says: "this ain't fo' you son. Go play baseball." Good talk, see you out there.

Fatality, Mumma Wins

Satellite Team Member Jon Mumma took first prize Tuesday night at the DC Improv monthly comedy contest. He beat out a pretty tough field with an awesome set. I was worried that he was going to get Roo-yeahed (the act of having a great set in a meaningful contest and then finishing behind someone who wasn't even in the contest) but the judges came through and made the right call. There was a really good female comic who I'd never seen before (something Gomes) who was hilarious. She finished 2nd and would have won during a lot of months. Mumma will be in our October 22nd show at Topaz. Also, Jon has a hot wife that we all harass incessantly. Congrats Jon.

The Hurricane Benefit Show was outstanding. I was easily the funniest person in it besides like 6 people. Great times. Great cause. Great way to meet dudes.

Satellite Comedy Kick Off Show

Many of you may have heard me discuss a group of comics that I have teamed up with to form a super-humor-consortium of death. Our group is called 'Satellite'. We have taken the 7 funniest people living in DC and Baltimore and formed a group that will create sketch comedy and put on incredible stand-up showcases of some of the best talent in the country. All the members of our group are uniquely talented individuals and each of us brings a different approach to humor.

We have just finalized the date for our kickoff show. Sponsored by the DC Comedy Festival, our first show will take place on Saturday, October 22nd at the Topaz Bar in Dupont. This is an awesome stand up venue that has proven a great resource as a popular open mic room with a complete bar and great atmosphere. Details on tickets will be coming soon.

I guarantee that everyone who goes will get laid (not a guarantee).

Oct 22, 2005. Its a celebration bitches!

AC Is for Winners

When I was young, I lost a game for my team. There is no way around it. It was my fault we lost. I was 13, playing on a traveling select soccer team with 15 year olds in the finals of the Virginia Beach Cup that would determine seeding for the state tournament. On the way home with my dad, not much was said. It was a really hot day in August. I asked my dad if we could turn on the air conditioning. He said:

"AC is for winners son."

I drove home from Boston without AC. It was hot and rainy in parts. I got word that Jeremy Schacter (sorry if that's spelled wrong), the guy that won the DC Improv contest (I drove home from there without AC as well) also didn't make it out of the first round. That guy is hilarious. Hard to figure out.
My suggestion? I don't have one. It would be something along the lines of having the best comics advance or something weird like that.

Next week, on the 21st. I'm performing some improv comedy at the DC Improv. Should be a fun show for hurricane relief. Check it out at www.dcimprov.com.

F^*#%$@ BOSTON

I hate Boston, Massachusetts. I have now decided that I will never go back there. What if... Nope, not going back. But how about if there is a...no, F that place with a sandpaper-covered iron fist.

There are no discernible roads. They start and stop at random and the street signs are hidden like little clues on a brownie troupe scavenger hunt. Getting directions from a local is like coaxing a thesis out of a retarded child. "If you go down the road there, you'll see a Westin' 'otel. Now if you see that, you've gan' too faaaahhhhhhhh". Hey sir, yes you sir, excuse me, but your accent makes you sound like you've eaten led paint for breakfast since childhood. There are 26 letters in the alphabet taintface, look it up. There's even a song to help you remember.

As you may have guessed, based on my aggravated rant against the capital of gay marriage, I got bounced out of the first round of the Boston Comedy Festival. Ryan Conner and I both had really good sets and didn't win. There are judges and they pick the best two to advance to the semi-finals. I am not going to say anything bad about the judges or the festival which was kind enough to let me in. What I will do is tell you what my boy Tripper said after the show: "The judges did not pick the best two to advance. You should write something bad about the judges and the festival even though they were kind enough to let you in." I would never stoop to that level.

Thanks for reading.

Boston Festival Day 1

I am writing from the Boston Comedy Festival. I'm excited for my show tomorrow night at Dick's Comedy Vault. The show starts at 9 PM (www.bostoncomedyfestival.com for details). It should be great. I've gotten word that a good number of people are coming out to see me which is exciting. It will make my 4th place finish that much more exciting.

I had a filthy time in New York with my boys this past weekend on my way up to Boston. Photos will go up as soon as I get them. Note: the photos are filthy and the reflect the level of filth that took place.

I will update tomorrow.

Holler

My bizzle

Hey all, sorry I haven't written. No internet.com access at work makes it tough to get things up. I'm headed up to Boston tomorrow with a quick pit stop in NYC for a couple nights to break up the trip. My boy Ryan Conner and I are set to dominate our bracket in a way only seen when Popeye was dominating Brutus after Popeye had consumed spinach.

A great comic and author, Doug Hecox, wrote a neat article about the DC Comedy scene and the 5 of us that are headed up to Boston for the Festival. Check it out at http://www.sheckymagazine.com/. Just scroll down until you see my name. Front page bitches!

Read my blog.