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Below you will find the following elements: mirth, joy, humor, mockery, insinuation, sport, politics, comedy, rants, awkwardness, opinions, communacable disease, self-promotion, and lingo. Enjoy.

Friday, March 31, 2006

Come On...Everyone's Doing It...


Hosted the GW bracket of DC's funniest College Competition last night. Really disappointed with my alma mater. There were about 50 people in the crowd and about 17 of them had any idea there was a comedy show there last night. Lots of angry nerds meeting to study and various other people wandered in and were surprised to see humor being made. I totally ate it on stage but, with the crowd on hand, I'm not too worried about it. They are not sending that tape to HBO...
I have included a Miami photo. Zero recollection of this occurrence.

A couple of the kids were really funny. I know a few of them from the open mic circuit and it was cool to see them get up there and do their thing. One dude was a complete a$$bag. He walked up right before it started, without signing up in advance, and was let on by DC Improv Diva, Allyson ('Lil Ally on the streets). This dude, who went last proceeded to sit down for his set and rip the contest and the judges from last year. He was sure that he was being 'raw'. He was actually pretty funny...the same way that a serious injury during a sporting event is funny. What a poo faced taint stalker.

Topic Change:

I wish to discuss a growing phenomenon. Blogs. It seems everyone, including your resident dancing humorist FunnyDanny, has a blog. Is this good? I say no. I am also aware of how hypocritical it is for me to criticize blogs in a blog. Its like asking for gun control at an NRA skeet shooting tourney (underrated fun time by the way. No one, and I mean no one...parties like the NRA. After a few beers and some moonshine, the 'F*ck King George' chants get going. Absolute blast). So don't bother pointing that out. I also realize that its exceptionally presumptuous to imply that I should be blogging and others shouldn't. Well, both people that read this agreed independently of each other that I should be blogging. So, in your face anonymous person that doesn't read my blog and misses the mirth that I pass on.

I shall break down blogs into acceptable and unacceptable.

Acceptable:
-News sites about a particular subject (sports teams, politics, business items, informational etc.)
-Humorous sites: (Comedians, humorous peoples with amusing and entertaining tales to tell)

Unacceptable:
-Everything else. Always. Your blog takes up internet space. Stop it.

As to humorous blogs, this is where it gets a little hazy. Its hazy because what certain people find humorous, is actually not humorous. For example: Sally High School reads a blog by one of her friends where she tries to recreate the 'Burn Book' from 'Mean Girls' (Yes, I've seen it more than once. Its a good movie. Stop judging me right now). A small cross section of people might see it, and might get the jokes, and might think that 'Stacy's Blog' is sooooooo awesome. Its not. Stacy's friends should not have to read her blog to keep up with her activities. We've got cell phones, IM, email, and personal contact as mediums for story telling. Go back to social studies Stace. Get yourself into that elusive '4 year' instead of the '2 year'.

The following criteria shall be imposed:

-A person shall be designated as humorous if he or she is responsible for making humor on a regular basis.
-If said person is a comedian, bombing at venues 3/5 times does not qualify you as a regular humor-maker. Disable your blog until you do well. It'll come...just don't force it.
-A non-comedian can be humorous. It is more difficult to prove but possible. A committee of trusted and established humor creators shall be designated and henceforth be known as the

Judging Every Denizens Incantations Counsel, or JEDI Counsel.

I submit to you the following blog as a case for a non-comic's ability to produce a wondrous blog. Her name is Abby and...well you've got to read it. If for one second, you don't think Abby will say it...Re-think that stance...Because she will. She comes out swinging with a fannypack full of sass. And I like it. I'm going to put a link to her blog in the 'Blantheon' (Blog Pantheon) on the left. Keep it up Tiny Dancer...

A lot of people will disagree with me and say: "To each his own..." These are the same people that don't question why Carson Daily is famous or can give you the rundown of who sucks on Real World vs Road Rules. Don't trust these people.

Bethesda Hyatt Show Sat Night. Starts at 8. Rory, George Peacock and me. 7400 Wisconsin Ave right off the Bethesda Metro. Should be tight like muscle shirts.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Greenlight Me!!!!

My boy Dave Halliday is the tightness. This man has created a short film of me working on a new joke. The film is amazingly well shot and edited and should be watched by all mortals. The movie is now featured on the homepage of current.tv. I need my funnydanny fans here for this. Here is what must be done:

-Go to: http://current.tv/studio/media/2059886
-Watch the movie and enjoy the mirth
-Click on the icon in the bottom right of the screen to greenlight the film (this is really important!)
-If you don't have an account with current.tv, you can quickly create one. They will never send you anything. Its just to insure that they have unique logins.
-Feel free to leave comments

If we get enough green lights, the film will play on the current tv station and get regular play on the website which gets thousands of hits per day. Note, this is tightness.

Thanks for your help!

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

The End.


It is time...The conclusion is here. Giddyup...

I am at a beach bar in South Beach. I can barely stand up at this point. My memory is porous at best. I have seen a teepee from across the way and I find this humorous. I make a funny remark regarding this teepee. No one is present to hear it. Because I find the concept of a teepee at a bar so amusing, I have no choice but to venture over to it.

I know the picture is sideways, but you can make out the picture of the teepee in question. Note: this blurriness is an accurate representation of my vision. That's called directing. See about me.

The teepee has pillows inside. I sit down. Amused with myself like a small child in a sandbox with a bucket and clean diapers. I look up the the ceiling. Everything begins to spin. I have not slept, have eaten minimally, am totally dehydrated, and out of my gourd drunk. I have no choice but to lay down in one of those awkward positions that you have to lay in when you are drunk so that you don't upset the delicate balance of your existence. I am there for at least 20 minutes. No movement. Any attempt at movement is futile at this point. I realize I still have my cell phone. I begin calling tons of people. The 'A's got hit pretty hard. Then I started to jump around. I have had at least 6 different people tell me that I left them a funny message that night. I was in a teepee in South Beach. You cannot make that up.

I've now been laying in the teepee for an hour. I call Ramsey. He asks where I am. I told him that I was in a teepee. He laughed.

A few moments later he was standing over me. His quote when interviewed for this blog:

"Dude, honestly? I have never seen anyone look worse than you did right then. It looked like you were going to puke and then die from puking...Wow...Wow."

Rams is able to keep me talking. I informed him that I called: "Everyone". My eyes are closed but everything is still moving. A nauseating dance of discord and malice. In my head suddenly, everything stops. I flashing back to earlier in the night...I see...I see Prince. He is singing 'Purple Rain'...to me. I reach my hand up...Ramsey takes it...I rise and say: "Let's go get booze. What the f*ck do you want?"

Ramsey is stunned. I know that this is the defining moment of my life. I go to the bar and order one of everything. I buy booze for everyone...everyone. Bar tab #2: $175.

We then leave and I scream at everyone that: "I would never ever hang out here." We arrive at the new place. I have no recollection of the trip or the process of getting in. I simply have a flash in my mind of standing with a hot girl, an angry girl, and a dumb girl with Ramsey and my boy Phil. Ramsey has just finished saying something about me being on a sitcom. I stare at everyone dumbstruck for many seconds and then I mutter something about Ramsey running for Congress in VA...blackout...I am holding 3 beers...blackout...I am in a cabana with a bachelorette party and my boy Winship...blackout...I am standing next to those same 3 girls again...blackout...I am at another hotel with Winship and two girls...blackout...I am in my room with Bourbon Rick in one bed, Winship walking in with booze, the two girls are in the room with one of them perched atop the tv stand, I am berating her about my vast knowledge of television from my youth. I challenge her thus:

"Name any show from your childhood...name your favorite show...I guarantee I know more about it than you do. Its not close..."

Blackout...

I wake up at 7:30 AM, lying across the bed, over the covers, as Bourbon Rick departs the room. I try to sleep for a little while longer but am unsuccessful. I then made sick in the potty. Horrendous. I showered for 45 minutes to wash away the layer of filth that Miami had placed upon me...It will take more than that...

Photos will be on my website within the next day or two. I love everyone involved in this story. That includes those of you who read it...

Fin.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Done Told You...


My boy Ramsey and me both knew that there was no way it was Audrey Rains. If you watch 24, you know that the cool part of the show is that they will do anything. They'll kill off people you like and shock you. Tightness. Some believed that there was a possibility of some kind of conspiracy where Audrey Rains was involved. They may try and twist it back on at some point but I'd be furious at Fox if they did this. Ruining a honey in the pantheon is not a matter to be taken lightly. Audrey got tortured, washed her face, then came back onto the floor looking tight. Know why? That's what tight chicks do. Fact.

My boy Adam (aka the Bull) had a filthy theory as to why Jack had to believe Collette initially. I think this touches on a greater issue here. He wrote this after last week's episode. See his theory below:

"Dude, Collette is way hotter than Audrey, Jack had to take her word on it...I think the answer to the whole Audrey mess is going to be answered by whoÂ’s trying to kill CerranoÂ’s (President Palmer) brother, IÂ’m going with the VP, he has that Gorish look about him. I do, however, look forward to Jack torturing Audrey, because as you may know by now, I find torture amusing. I was hoping like hell that Jack would torture that random German, that wouldÂ’ve showed those Nazi f*cks. But my point is, after all of the rambling, Collette is hotter, therefore Jack had to believe her."

The Bull has touched on something here. Something bigger than all of us...bigger than 24. Dudes believe hot chicks. Further, there is also a formula for cleavage as it relates to amount a dude will believe. I wasn't able to find a pic of Collette's cleavage because I work in a government office but believe me, it was present last week. 'Psssst.....Jack...yeah...right down here...believe us Jack...believe us...'

My buddy Joe Vargas has this awesome joke about a girl getting pissed at him for looking at her cleavage and he responds: "well you're not wearing low-cut eye patches..."...Classic.

This phenomenon is one thing that does not change from high school. There was this girl who was honestly one of the best looking people I have ever seen in person. No joke. (Note: this was before she took the anorexic pill and developed a fake southern accent at Carolina. Double note: f-Carolina) She was so hot that she was allowed to be a terrible person. Its like everyone deep down really knew but no one would say it...now its out there. I don't fault her, not entirely anyway. You get away with what people let you get away with. I had a 2 year streak going of not talking to her and it was broken on September 22, 2005 when I was stuck at a table and she introduced me to her fiance. That's cool. Ignore me until you want to show off your condensed carbon on your hand. The dude, as expected, brought naught to the table. His family has money and its stunning that she would fall for someone like that. Please take note of the sarcasm in the previous sentence.

I still kick myself for breaking my streak. It was magical for a while. I'd be talking to someone, she would come up and start talking to that other person...I would talk to the person in the middle and not even say hello. She would only come by when she didn't know anybody else at the bar. I'll never forget when the streak started. She had a party at her apartment and I was convinced to go with the promise of other tight honies. I will never forget the disappointment on her face when I walked in. She didn't introduce me to anyone. Only a week before, we had been 'bfffffffs' when she didn't see anyone else at a bar. It was liberating really.

Oh yeah, congratulations...sorry that none of your friends from high school keep in touch with you. You're right and they're all wrong...

Miami filth continued tomorrow.

Monday, March 27, 2006

The Next Part... VI

I realize I'm now into week 2 of talking about a weekend that occured 2 weekends ago and it may go until this weekend. This past Saturday I was in New York City. It was, of course, a filth fest. The highlights include a wondrous hot dog at 4 AM, free style walking, and my open challenge to anyone who got near me on the dance floor.

Not sure weather or not this is known to you, the reader, but your funnydanny is a wondrous dancer. Wondrous. As girls danced close to me, I would shout: "Did you just challenge me to a dance off?" My boys would then clear a circle for said dance off to ensue. I was not defeated once. Several times, the honies in question elected not to play entirely. One girl, a small girl named Ali, was a fiesty competitor... she lost too. The only reason I bring her up is that a few of us were hanging out and she points a guy close by and says: "This is my boyfriend".

I said: "Oh, he's wearing a really cool jacket." It was 400 degress in the bar and the jacket was actually not cool at all. Know what she did? She slapt me in the face. She slapt my face with her hand... in the face. What did the hand say to the face? Slap. Face/Hand, became one for a time. My head was still and her hand moved to it, struck it, then followed through and disengaged contact. A collective: "oooooooohhhhhhhhh" was heard from the surrounding persons. New York City '06.

Part 6:

When Prince is done, they kick everyone out of the place. Everyone. Even Prince I assume. I am one of the last to leave as I am paying my tabulation. As mentioned in Part V, its $188. I remit payment via credit card and the bartender says to my boy Winship and myself: "You guys want to get back in?" We tell him that we do. He says: "Just tell the bouncer out front that 'Paul the Bartender' said it was cool for you guys to come in." We thanked him and met up with our group of 12 disgusting dudes outside.

I attempt to be serious: "Y'all, we can go back inside it we want to. Do we want to do this? I need to know right now. Mike, Rams, you guys' call..."

Some blank stares and some milling about ensues. Winship and I go to the bouncer to establish our connection with him because its about who you know.

Me: "Hey what's up man (glance at the huge line that has formed for re-entry)? Hey, our boy 'Paul the Bartender said to talk to you about getting back in."

Gigantic Black Bouncer: "OK..."

Winship: "He said to just come talk to you about letting us back in because we had a huge tab with him."

Gigantic Black Bouncer: "Ain't no way man."

Apparently, Paul the Bartender does not have near the influence he believes he does. Bouncers in South Beach are as important as mayors in many cities. They're really influencial people who can make a difference.

We gather the 12 sweatiest dudes into cabs and journey to another bar. I am silly drunk at this point so the reasons for things are unclear at best. For example, at some point, I was out of the cab talking to my boy Quinn's metrosexual cousin. Really nice dude with a hot girl friend. I may have said something about how metrosexual he was outloud and offended everyone within earshot. Even this dude's name was metro. It was too perfect. Other metroseggsuals would say about him: "That dude is really metro..." I have no problem the metrosexual. To each his own. In fact, we need them. Its free comedy people. Take my boy Quinn for example. He was a meatheaded jock and was (still is) one of the most well-liked people I have ever met. He has shed the jock influence and become a full blown metro. He has $50 thimbul-size bottles of pre-shave-lotion lotion. Not kidding. He gets his hair cut at the 4 seasons. It costs him $100. Note: he does have nice hair. This is a man who has more products in the shower than a house full of girls. We used to share a shower but not at the same time except for that one time because I lost the bet fair and square...

Next club. Very cool place. Very open and its on the beach. Sweat. I only see brief glimpses in my memory at this point. My boy Vits has fully morphed into his alter ego: "Bourbon Rick". Bourbon Rick is a dancer with a non-stop motor. Incredible sight to behold. As I mentioned, I only have a few pieces, but I remember walking around. I remember going into the bathroom and not paying the bathroom attendant and him getting pissed. I go: "I'm spending hundreds at your bar mannnnnnnnn..."

I stumble outside...I see a teepee on the beach on the club grounds...I walk towards it...

To be continued...

Friday, March 24, 2006

Part V and My Ninja Friend

Status as of Saturday 3/18/2006 at 6:30 PM:

-Sweaty
-Exhausted
-Salty
-Freshly caffeinated
-Ready

We gathered in Room 511 of the Riande for a 12 dude/open chest hair/mixed drink festival of mirth commenced. At 6:30 PM eastern standard time, my boy Vits ordered pizzas for the group. This is important.

At 8 PM, the pizza still has not arrived. We are boozing significantly. I am drinking vodka/red bull in a fashion analogous to said beverage going out of style. We are all starving. My boy Winship, who is rated #5 on the 'least patient people in life', starts asking where the pizza is. Vits calls the place a few times and is assured it is on the way. It is near time for us to go. Complaints about the pizza continue. They have yet to arrive. The combo of no food, booze, being Italian, and being lied to makes Vits explosively angry.

The group decides it can no longer afford to wait and we head out to a place right next to our hotel to grab a quick bite. Why are we in a rush? Good question. We have tickets to a club. So what? Its a really nice club. So what? Its a really nice club that Prince is playing at tonight. As we are waiting for our food, four of my boys, who were waiting on the pizza roll in and announce briskly that we are to meet them at the club as they are leaving immediately. It seems odd but I am firmly entrenched in the 'invincible and agreeable drunken state' so I am fine with this.

Moments later, I discover why they had to leave so abruptly.

The players:

Vits, Brain, Ramsey, Pizza Man (PM) and Pizza Man's Honey (PMH).

Given: The 'zza is 2.5 hours late
Given: Vits is incensed/boozed/determined
Given: South Beach is like another planet

-PM and PMH pull up with the pizzas to the front of the hotel. Vits is screaming at dude from the get go. Informing PM that there is simply no chance he is paying for his pizza and that he doesn't want it and that all his ancestors are whores.

-PM initially tries to broker a deal. He lays the pizza boxes on the ground.

-Vits stomps on the pizza boxes and insults are flying.

-PMH picks up some of the boxes and begins throwing them at Vits.

-PM goes back to his car to get something to beat up all present.

-Brain tries to calm PM.

-PMH continues her barrage.

-Ramsey grabs Vits and drags him away.

-Brain and hotel security restrain PM

-Vits, Ramsey, and Brain come to us to inform us that they are departing immediately.

South Beach.

We squeeze into a couple of different cabs and roll to the club called Mansion. Its huge and has a very open main room that is already packed. We rolled right in as we had tickets. Prince is onstage playing lead guitar and killing it. There is a chick who's the lead singer who is really good but Prince is the star even when singing backup. As a fellow showman, I can relate to the feelings he must get when thousands of people all love you and everything you are doing. I had that same feeling last night when I performed for 75 Booz-Allen employees at Dr. Dremos. You could feel the adoration just oozing off the crowd. Especially the table of 4 hotchicks in the corner that talked the entire time because you know they were talking about me.

Do yourself a favor. If you have the opportunity to see Prince in person, do it. You will be amazed. Absolutely incredible. I don't know enough words to say how awesome he was. He came out for an encore and did several of his old hits. People were feinting and such. From our vantage point in the VIP area...oh yeah, we were in the VIP area because Brain used Jedi Mind Tricks on the bouncer dude to let us upstairs. Tightness.

My tab for bar #1: $188. So much more to come. Best part of South Beach by far: its is remarkably easy to get a drink at bars. There are places in DC/NY/Boston where its miserable on a stick but it was easy everywhere we went. Really underrated in terms of mirth in an outing.

End Part V. Next: metrosexuals, native american structures, the greatest defining moment in a man's life, and asian bachelorettes...

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Part IV

I realize that its Thursday and I'm still writing about last weekend. If you could see my face right now, you would know that I'm making the 'I am absolutely fine with this' face. Last night, Rory Scovel, Jared Stern, and I worked at the American University heat of the District's Funniest College Competition. Jared did a great job hosting. He's not a super-energy guy but was still able to get the crowd going in the right direction; great understanding about how shows work. Rory had an awesome set to get the crowd back after a few suspect comics took the stage (not trying to be a d*ck here, many of them were up for the first time. Its not easy to do what we do). I went up after him and proceeded to consume a poo burger. I was terrible and the crowd, acknowledging my terribleness, was silent. I stunk. That's always fun.

Back to Miami:

I have just asked the cab driver how his day is going. Giddyup...

Stunning Cab Driver (SCD): "Bullsh*t man, is all bullsh*t. Tired of this bullsh*t man..."

Me: "What's up man?"

SCD: "All the f*cking bullsh*t drama man with this f*cking b*tch man...I tell her, that I want to be with her...and she has a kid and I know the kid, and I tell them that I want her to come here. She don't come here, she want to stay where she is and then b*tch at me when I don't come up there. She live an hour away man. I suppose' to drive in the cab all day then drive to where she is and not be tired? She get pissed off. She don't do sh*t up there and she won't come down live with me. I got it all set man and she won't do it. Well I say f*ck that sh*t!"

Me: "Yeah, you don't need that kind of drama..."

SCD: "That's what I tell her man. She got her sister up there and her sister got problems. She don't want to leave her sister 'cause her sister is a bad influence on her. Always putting bullsh*t in her head. Last time I was up there man, she gonna come at me like that with all that bullsh*t man. I had to bust her a$$ and that only make my girl mad!'

Me: "Right, you don't need that kind of drama..."

(Editor's Note: Funny Danny does not endorse domestic violence or violence against women. He was only trying to let this man know that he was in fact not in need of this sort of dramatics. Also, as a side, typically, at least in my experience, if you 'bust the a$$' of a female of sibling of the female your courting, it will lead to some sort of disagreement at some point.)

SCD: "Yeah man. I don't need that f*cking bullsh*t. I go out and f*ck another girl. I don't care. I love this girl and I say that she need to come here but she don't. We are supposed to go to Aruba next week. I have this whole vacation paid for and we are going right? Last night I say, 'F*ck Aruba. I ain't going with you because you f*cking crazy!' Bullsh*t man.

Me: "Yup. You don't really need that kind of drama..."

SCD: "So what you doing down here man?"

Me: "We got a bachelor party this weekend and..."

SCD: "Oh my God. Tell your friend he make a mistake. Don't do it you know? She crazy. All women is crazy. I tell my girl that she don't even have to pay bills for as long as she need. It ain't like she got a f*cking job for sh*t where she live. But her b*llshit sister is up there with all the bullsh*t you know man."

(Note: SCD and I are now really close friends. You don't share that much of your life with someone and not become close to them. I am an usher at his wedding...if he ever has one.)

Me: "............."

SCD: "Where you going? Is on Collins Ave?"

Me: "Yeah, its 1825 Collins Ave..."

SCD: "OK, I know it. F*cking bullsh*t..."

Next several minutes are in silence. I feel the fatigue leaving my body. I am exhausted, sweaty, and slightly cranky because of Officer Anal Argonaut from Frederick, but all that begins to dissipate. This man has just given me the fuel for my emotional tank. Top it off good sir...top it off.

We arrive at the Riande and I proceed to the pool area where the rest of my party awaits. Stories come out from the night before. Lost wallets, puking, a stripper named Madonna, a rival bachelorette party, and sweat...lots of sweat...

Part V awaits us. Please exit to your left and make sure to stop off at the photo kiosk to grab some pictures of your ride...

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Part III

The Saga Continues...Wu-Tang...Wu-Tang (that was for about 2 people who recognize the genius from the double album '97)

I have slept for about 1.5 hours and I rise to go to the airport for my journey to planet South Beach. The drive over was uneventful...Except that I was driving like and 80 year old Asian woman as I was still a little gunshy from the night before. I board the plane without incident. I get to my seat without...Being able to believe that I was seated in the same row as a family of 5 with three sh*t-eating little kids. Every time I got close to falling asleep, one of the 3 little spoiled boogers would disrupt me in some way...They knew. Note: the names of the children were Percy, Patterson, and Nathaniel. I know this because their parents' constantly had to say their names to get them to act right. Your kids are doomed. Those names sound like a roll call for kids who are going to get the sh*t beaten out of them by bullies...

Proposed rules. On my return flight Sunday night, my friend Allie and I constructed some rules for airline travel that would make everything better. I want an airline to do this and I don't even want credit. That's a lie, I always want credit. Fine, give me the credit but just do it.

Ready? Here it is:

Rule #1: There should be only certain designated flights in a given day where children under the age of 6 should be permitted to fly on and passengers should be well aware of what they are.

Rule #2: On these flights, there is one designated section where the children/guardians etc. Can sit.

Rule #3: These 'kid flights' should be less expensive for regular travelers

Rule #4: To balance the cost for the airline, raise ticket prices by $1-3 on non-kid flights

Rule #5: If you are not willing to do the above rules, for the love of God, you cannot allow children to be on 'red eye' flights. There is nothing worse in the world than trying to sleep and some exhausted parent turns a deaf ear to a screaming kid because he's just numb to it.

As a side, here is a quick list of some of my least favorite things that people regularly have to deal with in our society.

10) People that walk slowly in the middle of a walkway and you cannot get around them
9) Religious fundamentalists
8) Fanatical and over-zealous self-righteous liberals
7) Paying cover at bars and places that have a dress code
6) Social climbing girls
5) People telling me to relax during sports. Completely infuriates me.
4) tapas
3) When someone who is familiar with something has a nonchalant attitude about explaining something to me. They say things like: "just take the subway to _____ and then cab it to ____". I'm in a strange city, how do I get subway tokens? What do they use here? All day pass? Half day? One ride? I f*cking hate this. Anytime you start a sentence with "Why don't you just..." As if to oversimplify something, I should get to eat what's on your plate at your next meal if I want.
2) This is very broad, but the phenomenon of me having done exactly what I am supposed to do and because of someone else's mistake, I have to go through a horrendous process.
1) That time between when the airplane has landed and you actually get off the plane. The awkward standing hunched over with your bag brushing against a multitude of people that are completely sick of being on the plane. I once tried to anticipate the seatbelt light going off and sprint towards the exit so I wouldn't have to be stuck behind the sweaty masses. In a word: ineffective.

Continued story:

I land in Miami and immediately begin to sweat. I am on zero sleep and I go to a starbucks at the airport and get a large coffee. The latin lady said: 'ju wan' venti?' I said, 'yes please, a large'. I will not give in on this people. Don't come with new names for things that don't need new names. "Yes, I'd like a средство tea please..."(Russian for medium)

I get in a cab to go to our hotel. I tell the driver which hotel: "The Riande". He laughs. I then ask him how his day is going...I could do a whole post on that...

To be continued...

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Audrey Didn't Do It!


If Audrey Rains, the tightest character on 24, all-around hottie and stand-up honey gave schematics to that chick Collette Singer to sell out our country, I'll do a tripod in traffic.

She's simply too tight to betray the country. My boy Ramsey and I almost puked when that chick dropped her name. Its a set up of some sort. If its not a setup, I will never forgive the Fox network. Ever. It will be like the time I black balled the USA network for taking a scene out of Empire Strikes Back when the aired the Star Wars Trilogy in the summer of '98. Look at her for goodness sakes. Wait...it...yup, it just happened...I have talked myself into adding Audrey Rizzle into the Pantheon of tight honies. She has taken the roster spot of Elisha Cuthbert-Rouhier and will occupy the #3 slot directly behind Jennifer Love Rouhier and Natalie Portman-Rouhier. Kiera Knightly and I are going through some tough times right now after she made that 'Domino' movie and saw me looking at a lot of Kate Beckinsale photos. She'll be back though; you can't fake that kind of bond.

More Filth (Part II):

We left off with me finishing my performance in Gettysburg. I hung out with a few of the kids for a few minutes after the show and then got in my car and departed. My flight was at 8:15 AM the following morning and it was 1:45 AM when I left the 'Burg. Now, I am an idiot. It was St. Patty's Day at 2 AM and it never occurred to me that there would be tons of cops out on the highway. All I could think about was getting home to get some sleep before I got on the plane. I set my cruise control at 82 and was making great time. 82 in a 65 is not so bad. I felt like if there was a cop out, he'd be looking for someone flying down the highway. The problem is that when PA turns into Maryland, the speed limit goes from 65 to 55. 82 in a 55 is bad. I didn't notice the change and shortly after I crossed in MD, sure enough, I got pulled over.

I was speeding, I was guilty, I was fine with it. I ran the risk and I got caught. Cop came up and what happened next was stunning:

Complete Sh*t-Bag Cop (CSBC): "What's the big hurry?"

Me: "I've got a really early flight tomorrow morning. I'm really sorry..."

CSBC: "Know what the speed limit is?"

Me: "Last sign I saw was 65."

CSBC: "That was in Pennsylvania. Once you cross into Maryland its 55."

me: "Oh gosh, I didn't see that. I'm really sorry."

CSBC: "Did you see me?"

Me: (In my head, 'of course I saw you. That's why I didn't slam on the breaks and continued to speed because I love getting tickets...) "No sir I didn't"

CSBC: "Were you just in your own world?"

Me: "No sir. I mean, I saw you once you got behind me..."

CSBC: "Had anything to drink tonight?"

Me: "no sir."

CSBC: "Sure about that?"

Me: "Yes sir."

CSBC: 'Cause I had you on my radar at 80. And then once I got behind you, I paced you at almost 100."

Me: "100?!"

CSBC: "Yep. License and registration."

Me: "Yes sir...(grabbing license and reg.) that's really surprising sir...I had my cruise control on at 80 and..."

CSBC: "Well I guess your cruise control ain't workin' !"

Me: "Well you said you had me at 80 which is what it was set at..."

CSBC: "Son, I paced you at 98. I'll be right back."

I am sitting in shock. The dude is either lying, retarded, or something else. He comes back several minutes later.

CSBC: "Sign here please, its not an admission of guilt. Its a receipt saying you received this ticket. Its for $520 as I had you doing 98 in a 55. You will receive a summons to appear in court and you can choose to contest the ticket at that time......"

He goes on but all I hear is a little song: "Right up your a$$, Right upyoura$$, Right...UP...Your...A$$...RUYA...Hall-leh-RUYA....Hall-leh RUYA...Hall-leh RUUUUUUUYA!"

This dude has literally just potentially ruined my life. I could get my license taken away, have my insurance drop me or worse. Plus the fact that I have to throw a month's rent to Frederick County makes me want to drop the 'People's Elbow' on total strangers. Unreal. I sat there stunned for a few moments.

Me: "Sir...I mean, this is really serious...is there anyway you could give me a ticket for what you had on your radar? I had it set for 80 and I completely realize that that is too fast but I..."

CSBC: "Lotta officers out tonight, you might wanna pull back a bit. Thanks for your cooperation."

Me: "OK. Thank you."

I thanked him. Can you believe that? I thanked the man that just stabbed my face with a scimitar. Unreal. Best case scenario: I have to take a day off from work and go to Frederick (f*cking Frederick! That place is as cool as athlete's foot.) and wait for hours, appear in court and deal with all the BS to get it reduced to a ticket for going 80. Worst case, I still have to go to Frederick, deal with all the BS, the judge will say: "You finished?", I will say: "yes your honor", he will stamp his gavel and indicate that now I have to pay the $520 + court costs, lose my license for 6 months on account of the reckless driving charge, lose my insurance and be unable to get anything reasonable again. And I thanked the sonofab*tch that made it all possible. Wow.

I arrived home at 3:35 and had to get up at 6:30 to make my 8:15 AM flight out of national. I may not have slept much, but at least I was tired. This is all but a prelude...

Monday, March 20, 2006

Filthiest Weekend on Record.

I feel disgusting. There is a thin film of ickiness that surrounds me as I sit in my cubicle. Its not so much that 'I haven't showered in 4 days and just put lotion on' feeling; rather, its a 'I can't believe that happened' kind of afterglow that can only come from a true debacle. There are many parts. Some public, some private, some sweaty and some dangerous. There are lies and untruths and there are amazing achievements and shameful developments. One important fact remains, the police officer that pulled me over on Friday night should get kicked in the groin every hour for the rest of his life.

Begin Part 1: Along with Chris White, I participated in the NACA Mid-Atlantic Region Showcase at Gettysburg College. Chris got a bigger deal slot than I did and he performed at 8:15 in a huge theater in Gettysburg. I was planning on going but I got sucked into the Albany/UCONN game where Albany was up 12 with 6 minutes left. I've seen Chris before but I 've never seen a 16 seed beat a 1 seed as its never happened. So I got to the theater a little while after Chris had finished. I ran into a really funny dude named Andy Hendrickson. Good dude, good comic, GREAT hair.

Fast forward after I have killed several hours and one of those 'meal replacement' bars from the local convenience store. Note: These things do not taste like chocolate chip cookie dough as advertised. Rather, they taste like flour if you could make flour into a paste. It did not replace my meal, it gave me indigestion and that clammy/sweaty feeling where you think: "I'm not really going to puke now am I?". For shame meal replacement bar company...shame.

My performance wasn't scheduled until 11:30 PM. For those that are outside the know, I am basically auditioning for college kids who are on program boards, joint councils, activities planning committees or whatever other fancy sounding term that really anal overachiever of your sorority participated in. I performed 3 different 5 minute sets in 3 different rooms. I literally did 5 minutes, ran to another room did 5, ran to another room and did 5 and was done. It was really strange. It felt like I was cattle being herded to an execution point and no one could decide on where we were going to do it.

Coolest part about it was getting to meet a couple of the kids that organize the whole thing. Really amazing they can pull something like this off. They can organize a regional showcase event for dozens of performers and hundreds of schools to send reps and I do not know what I am going to eat for lunch today. I think I've gotten a couple of bookings out of this with a few more possibly on the way. So, I think we have to call it a success. Incredible amounts of thank yous to DC Comedy Agency for putting my leash on and leading me around the dog show. These amazing people are also putting on the 2nd Annual DC Comedyfest April 5-8 which is going to be fantastic and if you don't go see some of these shows you are a stupidhead and I can't help you.

End Part 1.

I am currently in a government office space. There is a calendar hanging above my desk. I just noticed the following: This is calendar is very simple; no frills, just the numbers and days of the week. At the bottom, in smaller print it says 2 things.

1) "United States Government".
-Cool. I'm down with that. Makes it official and such.

2) "Sexual Harassment Is A Form of Discrimination"
-What? That is on an official government issued calendar. That's what they went with? A different perspective on why sexual harassment is wrong? No one is pro sexual harassment. You don't have to drop selling points on standard issue calendars to convince people that its not cool. If you are going to do that, just put the reminder up there: "Sexual harassment is Illegal". Don't give me some kind of vague philosophical interpretation on my government issued calendar. We want facts here. And how is it discrimination? Am I discriminating against the other chicks in the office by only harassing one? Am I discriminating against the dudes?

When I first started my old job, I had to go to a seminar about preventing sexual harassment and child abuse. I was lectured to for 4 hours about why child abuse is wrong. I couldn't believe I had to listen to that. How about you find out before hand if your new employee is going to abuse children before you hire him instead of making everyone sit through a seminar about why its wrong to abuse children. Later, we had 'roundtable discussions' on harassment in the workplace. These women were going overboard and every scenario the group leader came up with brought on a huge response about how inappropriate that was.

Ex: "The boss, "Mr. James", asked the new girl 'Debbie' out on a date. She politely said, 'no' because she was seeing someone else.

This drew the eyre of several of these women. I finally spoke up and said: 'I'm not sure why we are getting upset about this. Sometimes men ask women out. Sometimes they say no. I've been rejected plenty of times and will probably be rejected at some point today. I'm afraid I don't see what the big deal is.'

All the other dudes in the room had a 'yeah, wait a minute...' look on their faces as if they were coming out of a trance. The women all lashed out at me as I had used the only thing capable of undermining their power: 'rational thought'.

More coming on the weekend. Note: Always remember the volume of filth...

Thursday, March 16, 2006

WWWWWHHHHHHAAAAAAAAMMMMY!

I did a set at Dr Dremos last night. It went OK. Just trying to get ready for the big NACA show in Gettysburg. I'm getting the details of this show and it sounds uber-intense. I'm really excited about the possibilities of this leading to my taking over the universe. First thing I'm going to do is appoint Robocop as director of security. My secret service will be made up of Panthro from Thundercats, Optimus Prime, Bazooka from GI Joe, VICKI from Small Wonder, Mr. Belvedere, Beast from X-Men, and Von Kaiser from Mike-Tyson's Punchout.

After the show, I had the incredibly fortunate opportunity to hang out with several tight honies who were kind enough to come out to the show. There was also one dude named Bob who, in addition to having a name that is a palindrome, frequently travels to Alaska.

Bob: "Gotta run guys. I'm going to Alaska."

-"Seriously? But no one goes there Bob not even..."

Bob: "Sure they do. Literally tens of people go to Alaska each year. Name a city in Alaska..."

-"I...I can't..."

Bob: "Sounds like somebody should take a trip...to either Juneau or Anchorage, the only two cities in Alaska."

After some quality time, I gave 2 ladies a ride home because your funnydanny is a generous and kind person. Note: this is only true when I'm trying to impress chicks. It makes up for the stuttering and sweating...

As we rode in the car, one girl (G 1) came incredibly strong with the following news tidbit:

"My friend has herpes."

I pulled the car over, took my time, and then said: 'ummmmmm what?'

The other girl (G 2) said: "no suprise...I mean, she hooks up a lot."

Me: "Not anymore."

Wow. I know someone who knows someone with the Yerps. The f*cking Yerps! Its like I'm in 7th grade again and I'm watching a video from the early 80s about STDS and I'm going: 'no way dude, no way anyone ever gets that' and my boy Quinn goes: 'Actually man, you know _____? He's got that sh*t'.

Is there a bigger buzzkill in the history of the world? Holy crap that sucks. How do those phone calls go? On both sides.

-Herpes Girl (HG) calls a dude she has hooked up with.
-Dude, is kind of excited at first thinking that he was such a stud, she had to call him to schedule further consultation.
-Dude is excited.
-After awkward small talk, dude thinks he knows where conversation is going.
-Dude is completely wrong. HG: "yeah...so anyway...I just found out that I have Herpes Simplex 10 (c/o Eddie Murphy. Come back to us man.). So...you might want to get checked out..."
-Dude: "Whhhaaammmmy".

Wow. I mean wow. Want an absurd turn of events. Dude goes from: 'Repeat customers b*tches! Man do I know how to put it down!' to 'My life is over'.

Seriously, I know its not fair and I know I'm being totally shallow about this...I'm also pretty sure that I'm misinformed and closed minded on the subject...I'm also sure that someone may write me a nasty letter with herpes on it...but, I could never hook up with anyone with herpes. Ever. Just hearing that word makes me wilt. All I can do is say: 'Oh my God' over and over.

I am now terrified. That's a horror movie right there. Put that in 'Saw III'. The dude has to hook up with a chick with the Yerps to get out of a room or something.

OK, I'm done.

My weekend is going to be absurd. Friday night in Gettysburg, the show starts at 11:30 PM and ends at 12:30 AM with some stuff likely to follow. I fly out the next morning at 8:45 AM from DC to join my boys' bachelor party in Miami. I fly back in Sunday night. Why do I do it? Because I'm a godd*mned rock star that's why. Note: its actually note because of that.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Was That About Me?

Blogging is dangerous. People I know read this thing and most times there is someone at the butt of a joke, portrayed negatively, or mocked I often get the question: 'Was that about me?'

Sometimes it was...other times it was and I didn't tell you that it was because I am a pansy...still other times it had nothing to do with that person. This time, it does...

MANDY, THIS IS ABOUT YOU:

I had a conversation with a funnydanny gat (gmail chat) favorite today. She was voted 'most sophisticated' in high school. I did not go to the type of school where awards like this were handed out but hearing about hers made me wish I had.

Dictionary Definition: Sophisticated: 'Having acquired worldly knowledge or refinement; lacking natural simplicity or naiveté'

She is from Tennessee...

Sorry, I just fainted due to the overload of jokes that entered my head. To be labeled as most sophisticated in a Tennessee town is like being named 'tallest' at a midget conference. Half my family is from Alabama. When I went to my cousin's wedding, I received the following driving directions:

"OK, y'all are going on y'all highway until y'all see a y'all water plant y'all. Then there's a y'all McCormick and Shmidt y'all in a shopping 'y'all center. Keep y'all going straight and as soon as y'all see a dirt pile turn left and y'all will be on our street...y'all."

Me: "Are there any street names?"

(Long pause...............)

Me: "....... ya'll..."

Now, that is not to say that the young lady in question isn't sophisticated. Quite the contrary; she is as sophisticated as they come as far as I know. I just found humor in the honor...

End Mandy Portion.

Frustrating Business Item of the Day:

I get really irritated at people who ask me questions about something I have nothing to do with and get frustrated when I can't give them answers. Lady came by my office this morning because no one was at the meeting she was scheduled for. Long story short she starts asking me about all these names. I have heard of exactly 0.
She is stunned by this, so she then asks me what the status is of the latest 'HR TPCP 2 H Requirements Meeting' is...oh let me grab that number...yeah, 0.
She is now fully flustered and demands that I call one of the people in charge of the meeting. I A) don't know them B) don't have their info. When I ask for it, she gets even more irritated and gives me a number.
I call it. I have no idea who this person is or what I am even calling about.
The person answers and says: "Hello this is ______. How can I help you?"
I say: "You know what, I really have no idea. (to the woman in my office) Why am I calling her?"
Office Woman (incensed): "Ask here what the status is for the JFC3 Integrated Work Group Meeting is."
Me: "Ummm do you know the status of the ummmm... J (mumble mumble) 3 Integration Group meeting is"
Phone woman: "I've never heard of that meeting."
Me to office woman: "She's never heard of that meeting."
Office Woman: (biting sigh of displeasure)...Well you didn't say the right meeting."
Me: "Would you like to speak with her? Because I really have no idea what you're talking about."
Office Woman: "......(Sigh) Fine..."

They talked on the phone for 10 seconds. Situation averted, the meeting is tomorrow. Why was I involved in that at all? Ridiculous. I count down the days until I can make enough money to support myself as a comedian. The goal is 2022. Countdown is on.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Yes!

Facts from 24 last night:

1) You cannot kill Robocop. Ever. Rent the trilogy. (Awesome that there is actually a trilogy)

2) Rudy had a little redemption. You also knew that Rudy would sacrifice himself for the team. THAT, is how Rudy rolls.

3) Bill Buchanan has a really deep voice. He sounds like a guy that is trying to make his voice deeper. He's like that guy in high school that lifts weights before everyone else does and is always flexing in front of girls and you can't believe that chicks like him because he is such an a$$ and then you are welcomed into the harsh reality that chicks always like terrible dudes and you try to be like that for a while but everyone can tell that its an act so not only do you not impress the girl but you are a complete tool for trying to act like an a$$ and failing which makes you worse than the first guy.

4) Jack Bauer can hold his breath for a long time. He can also get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30. Think about it. He'd yell at the guy about a hash brown and a sausage mcgriddle: 'They're right there! I can see them! Just give them to me!' You think dude wouldn't just give it to him? He's read the file; he knows what Jack can do.

5) Elisha Cuthbert-Rouhier, while hot (and my future wife along with Jennifer Love Rouhier and Natalie Portman-Rouhier in a wonderful tryst of mirth and sharing), is very b*tchy on the show. She does a good job.

6) Audrey Rains, my boy Ramsey's favorite character, is just plain tight. My friend Sarah looks like her. The only difference is that Sarah does not make authoritative decisions like Audrey does.

7) This is the best show on network tv by so far its silly.

8) It still cannot compare to the Sopranos which, in this reporter's humble opinion, has absolutely got to rank as the greatest show of all time.

My blog is done for today. Keeping it short and real. Always Repping Glover Park in DC. Always.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Williams Weekend


My boy JL Cauvin and I did a show at Williams College on Friday night. Tens of people took a break from watching college singing groups, chamber music, and apathy to come see our show. We had an amazing time and were told by a few people that there were 'a bunch of other things going on that night' so we were lucky to get what we did. JL did about 35 minutes and killed. His voices are awesome and the kids went nuts when he dropped his Owen Wilson. Really funny stuff. Note: After the show, we split a giant cookie. Sometimes, friends can split food with their friends and smile before they eat.

JL also handed out business cards like a weed dealer doling out samples to try and get people hooked. He has a newly created website that it pretty amazing and worth checking out.

Special thanks to my boy Mike Kearney for letting me crash on the couch of his freshman dorm room and for letting me use the bathroom that he shares with 5 other guys in a space that would either make me want to stab everyone or just turn completely gay due to the proximity. Also, girls at Williams college are generally unpleasant and b*tchy. They walk around with these angry looks on their faces. The dudes have more of a sullen 'oh my God is this really it?' face when they walk around. We went to a party after the show where they were out of beer and no one recognized JL and me from the show. Thanks also to super rep Shari from DC Comedy Agency for doing everything under the sun to make the show go.

JL and I took a bunch of photos. Some of them are good. I'll get them on my website soon so that the person that still checks it will be happy that there are new photos for him to look at and he can email me and say: 'nice new photos' and I can say: 'thanks dad, is my laundry done?', and he'll say: 'no, your mother had to do an extra load because on of the dogs pooped in the house and yadda yadda yadda, one of the rugs needed a couple cycles...'

I'm super busy this week as well. Friday night, I'm at the Mid-Atlantic NACA showcase show in Gettysburg, PA. Great opportunity for yours truly. (Note: I have never ever understood the expression 'yours truly'; no idea why that refers to me. 'Word indicating possession of a(n) object(s) for you and that this is in fact, genuinely the truth')

Saturday, I'm going to join a bachelor party already in progress for 2 of my best friends Michel and Ramsey in Miami. Do not wait up.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Not Much

Sorry for the lateness, not much happening today. I hope to have a further Kristin (I misspelled it in my blog. I know this because she sent me a message telling me so) update later. We have had further contact and I like where we are and where we could go. Remember, her myspace link is: http://www.myspace.com/friedbakingoil

Because of the heavy site traffic, she has changed her myspace profile to 'private'. Awesome.

I'm headed up to Williams College tomorrow. My boy JL Cauvin and I will be performing on campus at 9 PM in Goodrich Hall. I don't know if that is the varsity or the JV Hall, but I'm pumped. Its going to be fun and it also may rock like sedimentary and igneous materials...

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Introducing...

I want you all to meet a friend of mine. Her name is Kristen. She is single, 24, 5'8", athletic, a Taurus and a proud parent. How do I know this? From her myspace profile. Kristen, even though we have never met, has given me a wonderful gift. She is currently in the lead for most bizarre message exchange in my brief history of myspace participation. Kristen sent me a message, completely unsolicited, filled with saltiness, venom, spite, and pure naked anger. We have had a wondrous reparte of messages. I fear the banter may have ended as I have not heard from her for 24 hours now. This was not my intent. I was hoping to bait this young lady into further conversation in the hopes I could have a little treasure to keep for myself and share with all my comic friends as we write jokes about idiots, like Kristen.

While you read the transcript below, I want you to ponder what in the world would posses someone to somehow stumble across my myspace profile, and be so disgusted and upset by it; to be so moved to disdain that she had no choice but to reach out to me and give a vague criticism. What could possibly be going on in her life that this was a priority?

Here is another direct link to Kristen's myspace page:


I really want you to go to her site (which is why I've made it really easy by smattering links throughout this posting). Feel free to leave comments and send her messages as she really likes that. Be encouraging. I'll give you an example of what you might want to write:

"Hey Kristen, keep at it. One of these days we can turn that 'some college'...into: 'all college' and then you can move out of Burke, VA and Friday nights spent at the Bennigan's parking lot and hours on match.com looking for someone who will love you for you. Peace."

In fact, I'll be putting this on my website soon as my 'featured profile to visit and mock'. Very exclusive.


I now submit for your reading pleasure, the entirety of the myspace email conversation between your own funnydanny, and Kristen. Its unedited and real. Taste the mirth...


Read from the top down:


----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Kristen Date: Mar 6, 2006 3:33 PM


your site is ugly


----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: danny Date: Mar 6, 2006 4:00 PM


Dear Kristin, Weirdest message I've ever gotten in my brief myspace experience. Thanks for that. I'll notify you if someone else takes your spot.


----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Kristen Date: Mar 6, 2006 6:16 PM


thanks. I would greatly appreciate that.


----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: danny Date: Mar 7, 2006 12:03 AM


Not a problem. I have to know, what prompted you to send me that message? I guess I want to know what about my site was so ugly that it moved you to send me a message. Just curious. As of 11:57 PM on 3/6, you are still ... #1.


----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Kristen Date: Mar 7, 2006 2:08 PM


I'm sorry Danny; I just don't feel it would be right if I told you why exactly I felt the need to tell you your site resembles the likes of, oh I don't know, a hairy ball sac. I think it only proper that you lie in bed at night and ponder what makes your site such an eye sore. Over time you may actually start to cry over the agonizing realization that perhaps many others felt the same as I and they didn't say anything to you b/c they did not want to hurt your feelings. But hey, forgive but don't forget, keep you head up. Peace out. Kristin




(My last message to her. She has yet to reply):


No need for apologies. I honestly didn't think I'd get an answer. Just a fool's hope really. I am really excited about this exchange as it continues to take bizarre twists and turns. Its going to go on my blog and into subsequent jokes so you can look forward to minor celebrity status. Thanks also for worrying about my sleeping habits. I think I'll be fine. I also don't foresee any myspace related crying breakdowns in the near future.

Finally, did you hook up with one of my friends or something? I'm just trying to get to the root of the anger. I am all about love in the '06 so while you may not like me, I like you and am thankful for our interactions. Talk soon, Danny


Fin.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

3/6/06, My Worst Day As a Sports Fan Ever

1st: My favorite Redskins player of the last 10 years, Lavar Arrington, was released by the Redskins yesterday. He was oft criticized by some football insiders and reporters for various things including: not playing within the system/freelancing, being selfish and some other things over the course of his 7 seasons with Washington. I love the Washington Redskins. I also love Lavar Arrington.

For the majority of his career, the Redskins have not been very good. In fact, through a couple of those years, they were awful. It pains me to see my squad in the depths and its hard for me to watch. During those awful years, there was one reason above all others that I tuned in every Sunday. Lavar. There was always a chance he was going to do something incredible. He made more big plays for our franchise than any defensive player that I can remember in my lifetime.

Quick list of my favorite memories:

-The absolute grizzzzzbah he put on Troy Aikman which ended Aikman's career and stopped him from continuing to torch the Redskins
-The chasing down of Kordell Stewart and the subsequent throwing of Stewart to the ground with one arm and the exaltation of 90,000 as Stewart lay on the ground wondering how a 250 pound man just chased him down from across the field
-The game winning sack of Kurt Warner to beat the Rams right at the goaline
-The interception of Chris Weinke and subsequent taking to the house to give us our first victory after an 0-5 start that turned our season around (we ended up 8-8)
-Hitting Brett Favre so hard he had to get carted off the field with his head in a towel to hide his tears

There's more. A lot more. Thank you Lavar. Thank you for everything. It looks like he might sign with the New York football Giants. I of course could never do this because the giants, eagles, and cowboys are evil ambassadors of the dark forces of the world. But, I can understand how an athlete who did not grow up a fan and gets a raw deal from his team, would wanna go to a rival and come back and stick it to his former squad twice a year. What a bitter pill this is to swallow. Sadness.

My sad feelings were compounded yesterday when I got the shocking news that one of my childhood heroes, Kirby Puckett, passed away after a stroke. I loved that guy. I loved the way he played. He flew around the field, hustled everywhere, and always had a smile on his face. he came from the most humble beginnings as the youngest of 9 kids in a horrible ghetto in Chicago. He wasn't allowed to play football with the other kids so he excelled at baseball.

He won 2 World Series with The Twins. The '87 Twins team was one of my 14 favorite baseball teams of all time with Tom Brunansky, Kent Hrbeck, Steve Lombardozzi, Greg Gagne, Dan Gladden (one of the 24 greatest sports mustaches of all time), Jeff Reardon, Frank Viola, Bert Blyleven, Randy Bush, Juan Buerenger, and of course Kirby. The entire world of baseball will miss Kirby Puckett. RIP Puck.

Sorry there was no humor today. I blame the internet.

Monday, March 06, 2006

And The Award Goes To:

Award Ceremonies suck. I watched a few moments of the academy Awards last night. I had never fully realized how terrible these shows are. I will now list the reasons.

1) Because I am pretty busy (and I imagine many of you are as well), with a day job and the pursuit of comedy at night, I don't really get to the movie theater that often these days. Movies get to dvd/on demand so quickly now that its really the way to go. The point? I, and I imagine millions of Americans, haven't seen most or all of the movies/performances nominated.

2) Acceptance speeches. Actors/directors/whatevers either get up there and use it as a pulpit to spit their views or name drop a bunch of people that I haven't heard of. There is also the awkwardness of someone standing up there in their moment and the band trying to play them off. Awkward.

3) The self-importance and arrogance of the awards. Members of an 'academy' of film get together and decide what art is best for a year. Imagine other groups getting together to honor themselves every single year and having it televised. "The united academy of road pavers presents 'the roadies' " Everyone uses roads so why is it unrealistic? This academy decides what I'm supposed to be entertained by and completely misses the point of movies and movie making. Sometimes they get it right and the 'best picture' award goes to an awesome movie that has more universal appeal: Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, Silence of the Lambs, Braveheart, The Sting, Rain Man, Rocky and others. Other times, the best picture goes to something that only industry people like or something that isn't for everyone. They'll give it to a movie that a much smaller group can appreciate and stand atop some sort of critical high horse and tell us we should be watching: Chicago, The English Patient, Shakespere in Love, Terms of Endearment, Unforgiven and others. I don't happen to like any of those second group. They may be good movies and they may not be but just like I hate sports where you are judging by some artificial criteria of 'art', I despise the idea of a group of people I've never met telling me what art is good. You cannot judge art!

Do they like Point Break? That's a sick movie. So is Top Gun, Real Genius, and The Rock. They are fun movies. How can I trust their opinions?

4) Much like the winter Olympics, these award shows seem excited about adding awards. How many of you saw this year's nominees for best short film? Best animated short? How many of you noticed the best technical directing? How many of you were pissed when the makeup team you were rooting for got shut out again? I've never heard of any of these people and they are shoved down our throat as the group of people that makes films honor themselves...on tv which they all think they are better than. Hypocrisy tastes like candy.

5) I think john Stewart is funny, but his hands were tied. The awkward, hacky, PG comedy of these shows makes me want to throw up and have that kind of awkward feeling afterwards like you have to throw up more but don't have anything left to throw up...

6) The fact that the academy basically ignores all things comedic makes it an inherently flawed group. I get not recognizing Dumb and Dumber, but the only comedic performance I can remember being rewarded was Jack Nicholson in as Good as It Gets and he had to have OCD...For whatever reason, comedy is seen as an inferior form of movie making. Bull crap. People go to the movies to be entertained. You can be entertained in a myriad of ways: moved to sadness (Shindler's List), moved up and down the spectrum (American Beauty), and moved to joy and laughter (dozens of comedies that are ignored every year). Was there a more entertaining movie in 2005 than Wedding Crashers? Can you honestly tell me that you didn't love Vince Vaughn's character? He nailed it. Maybe he needs to impersonate a dead musician to get some recognition. Ridiculous.

7) The last sucky thing about the Oscars and other award shows are the people watching them that have sucked back about 1 million hours of E! and think they are in the know and start talking like they are in the biz: "Totally thought Broke-back was a lock", "I thought Jamie was a shoe-in for Best Actor", "I can't believe Spotless Mind won best screenplay..." What is a screen play? Do you really know? Is it the same as a script? Is it a list of instructions for the director? You don't really know do you jackass? Shouldn't the best movie of the year have the best screen play? How can they be mutually exclusive? They should go hand in hand. But they don't because the awards are political. Oh, did I not mention that? Yeah, they are and that's another reason why its a waste of time.

Leave Hollywood to their self-indulgent island or self-importance and other hyphenated terms and watch what you want.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Expanding My Ego

My favorite thing about comedy, by far, is after a great set (which is pretty awesome in and of itself), having strangers compliment you. I love it so much. 2, 4, 6, 8 your ego we will validate! Roo-yeah! Roo-yeah! Roo-yeah!

Now, I realize of course that I have railed against bad comics in this space who get really pumped up after a good set at an open mic (rightly so I believe) but it doesn't count when it applies to me. I'm the greatest comic ever of all time ever and everyone who was a t Topaz last night (32 people) will agree because you can't help but see my greatness. Note: the only thing that is true about the last sentence was that I was at Topaz last night.

Seriously though, nothing better than when strangers were so moved by how funny you were, that they had to tell you they thought you were funny. In fact, I like it the most when black guys do it. Totally serious about that. One dude last night goes: "Hey man, you a funny motherf*cker." That is a compliment right there. Way better than the standard white girl of: "Oh my gosh, I thought you were soooooo funny." Nice, but it lacks that little extra something...

In light of the recent 'discussion' about comics helping each other, I watched everyone's set last night and offered advice to anyone who wanted it. Its my new thing. I'm helping people and it feels good. I'm like a comedy politician. I'm here for the good of the people and the really selfish feeling I get when I think I'm doing good but its really completely self-serving in a 'holier than thou/its hard to see from atop this really high horse' kind of way. My boy Andy Lopresto weighed in and offered his take on the discussion. Good thoughts young man. I am really not that good of a person.

I'm judging the District's Funniest College competition tonight at George Mason. Rory Scovel is hosting. I'm pumped to see Erin Jackson (she's judging as well) because A) she's awesome and one of the sweetest people that currently lives B) she's a funny comic C) She is currently carrying the torch for funny women in DC.

Now that my girls Erin Conroy and Alicia Gomes are bricks in the wall in NY, EJ is lonely. Come on funny women! Step it up out there. Watch Erin do her thing. Most of her jokes, men and women could do. Its because they are smart and well crafted. I know its a double standard and it sucks, but most of the time, people don't want to hear women talk the same way guys do. When women do potty humor, talk about sentence conclusions (I refuse to say 'period' in that way), and then b*tch about how they can't get laid and how they only attract sh*tty men usually tends to rub people the wrong way. I don't know the psychology of it, just observations. Erin and Alicia are both mint at telling jokes that are just plain funny and creative. We miss them. Also, just realized I'm kinda pissed at Conroy for two reasons;

1) She made fun of my voicemail which says that I am a comic which I keep because it annoys my comic friends

2) She's not coming down for the DC Comedyfest which is going to be awesome. Good move Conroy. Why would you want to come home and perform in a huge festival and be at the forefront and see all your friends? Alicia is doing it. And I thought you were doing everything that Alicia does now. Oh snap! I believe that's the first salvo of a new blog showdown.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

DC Comedy Preachers

For those that don't consider themselves on the 'in' of the DC Comedy scene, this may not interest you. It also might, I can't be responsible for knowing what you like.

I have been very fortunate to make some incredible friends doing comedy for the past 2+ years in the DC area. I really feel like there is a growing community of comics that are beginning to be more supportive of each other because they realize that the better the scene is, the more opportunities will be created for us all to further our goals.

To that end, a few comics (myself included) have offered advice in their public spaces (blogs, websites etc.) about the art of standup trying to pass on what they've learned and their observations on comedy and comics. Advice and opinions. That's really been it as far as I can tell.

Another group of comics have been rubbed the wrong way by these postings and have offered their advice and opinions; telling the first group of comics to stop putting their advice and opinions about stand up in public space.

A buddy of mine, and a really funny, smart, and original comic Sean Gabbert made some really good points in his blog about how we really have no place offering anything because we are all so new to this relatively speaking. Check it here. Just click on his blog entry.

Another buddy of mine, Jay Hastings had his own opinions. His blog (its the one with the 'stand up rant in the title).

I totally understand where these guys are coming from. I really do. I do disagree though. Guys like Rory Scovel and Chris White have offered a lot of advice for comics. Here is why we ('semi-experienced vets' and newbies alike) should welcome this:

1) When I first started 2+ years ago, the first 6 months of my comedy career were a complete waste. I invited my poor friends to every open mic I did because I thought it was a big deal, my material/stage presence/delivery/approach/knowledge of what makes a show/etiquette was awful. I would have been so lucky, as a new person starting out to have had someone like Rory (or myself now after learning a ton about what not to do) helping me out. No one was really blogging 2 years ago and there weren't that many places to go. I went to Wiseacres on Wed and Thurs for 2 straight weeks and didn't get on. That was standard. Chris White created DC Standup which is an incredible resource for people starting out but that site, to me at least, was more about where to go/who to talk to/how to get on than about how to actually shape your material/stage presence/approach (or at least that's how I felt 2 years ago). The point is, people who are starting out now, have a huge advantage/resource that I certainly couldn't find 2 years ago. Not that I'm a mentor or some guru, I have a ton to learn. But I have been right where some new guy is now and can help. That's a fact.

2) I had a baseball coach in college. He was the guy that recruited me and we had a great relationship. He told me a lot of great things. One of the greatest lessons he imparted to me had to do with baseball but I think it applies everywhere. He basically said: you always listen to a coach and you give what he says a shot. Give it a real shot. It may not work for you because there is no definitive way to do something but you can learn from it nonetheless. You'll have a lot of different coaches and part of what makes the best players are guys that are always willing to listen and looking to improve. Somebody may say something one day that puts it all together for you but you never know unless you were listening.

3) If you don't happen to like the advice/opinion being given, you have every right to disagree with it. I just don't understand why someone would summarily dismiss something. The way it comes across to me is that the person feels like they are being talked down to and that guys like Rory/Chris/me are arrogant and pedantic as we sit atop our high horses throwing down knowledge tidbits to starving peasants in a village we rule. I have learned so much over the last couple years by watching Rory, Ryan Conner, Chris, Doug Powell, Justin Schlegel, Erin Conroy, Jon Mumma, Sean Gabbert and others. But you know what? I've learned a lot from watching Jay Hastings and Jeff Maurer. Both these guys have been doing it for like 6 months and are already ahead of me. I think back to my 6 month mark and how terrible I was in retrospect. I guess the point is, if you don't like the advice, don't read. But I really think its your loss

4) The main focus of what Rory is writing about to me is how we need to be less competitive and more supportive of comedy in this area. I have been doing comedy in DC for over 2 years. Honestly, its rare that I don't crush at an open mic or whatever (extenuating circumstances aside). But you know what? I've worked exactly one week at the DC Improv. My home club, I've had one week there. The point is that opportunities are so limited. Offering advice to new comics, helping comics start more rooms to get more stage time, and sharing everything we know with each other is a way to create more opportunities for all of us. I just can't understand why people would object to that. This 'everyman for himself' approach to stand up is really shortsighted in my mind.

Sorry this wasn't funny at all but I did warn you. (I have a southern girl friend who says: 'Now, I just wanna pre-warn y'all'. That's redundantly redundant. You don't warn someone after the fact. There are no 'post warnings'.)

Also sorry if this came across as preachy. I know its annoying. Not to put words in Sean's mouth, but I think he basically says that: 'because we are all so clueless, we shouldn't offer advice on our blogs and such'. To me, because we are all so clueless, that's exactly why we should have as much out there as possible. I for one, want to learn and get better. Always. Anyone who thinks they know everything, is someone who is stuck.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Part II: She May Not Like You, But You Met...

Sorry this is delayed but other things were happening...

Fri night, my boy Jon and I went to one of the top 37 Preppy People events in the world. Good times. We rolled to my girl Melissa's place for some pre-gaming. Lot of mirth there. None of the dudes liked me but I am not concerned by this...

As a side, my homegirl Melissa is a sick party planner. One day, she will plan parties and people will go to them. "Babs' Party Planners". Look for it late '06.

We all rolled to Spank, which is the VIP area above 1223. I am unable to say this and look at myself in the mirror at the same time. When I do, I involuntarily strike myself in the face.

Regardless, it was a fun time. We arrived fairly early but the place eventually became uber-crowded. We were hanging out in what turned out to be the VIP area of the VIP floor. No idea when I went up there to sit down when there was no one in the place.

At about 11, I went to get a beer at the bar. When I came back, there was a bouncer blocking the path to the little area. He was yelling at some dude about something. Trying to return to my seat, I started to go around him. He threw a forearm in my chest and goes: "Step down!"

Me: "Oh sorry man. I was just going back to my seat...and I thought"

Complete Dickhead (CD): "Just get down!"

Me: "I'm just sitting right there at that table (pointing to a table that is 6 feet from us)..."

CD: "Dude! Let me do my job!"

Me: "OK, sorry man. I didn't know what the rules were...is it cool if i just go back to wear I was sitting?"

CD: (Ignoring me and pretending to look around)

Me: "Hey man, is it cool if..."

CD: "What is your problem man!??! Shut the f*ck up for a minute!"

Me: "OK."

Both standing there awkwardly for several seconds....a minute...2 minutes...he pretends to look around again to give an evaluation of the area...he has completed his assessment...I am standing awkwardly looking at the group of girls and Jon that I am hanging out with...they are confused...A group of super tan dudes and some middle-eastern guys approach the bouncer...

CD: "Whatup dog? (shake-to-hug move on the lead guy)"

Lead guy: "Hey is it cool? (motions to sh*t eating dudes)"

CD: "Go right ahead."

They all go past me but there isn't enough room so I rub against 5 dudes...more perplexed looks from my group...I stare at the bouncer who is looking around trying to avoid my 'are you kidding me jackass?' look...another minute passes...

Me: "Hey man, is it cool if I just go right there (pointing to all my friends who are staring at me)?"

CD: (Motions to one of the girls) "Yo, this guy with you?"

Girl: "Ummmm, yeah."

CD: "All right bro, its cool."

Me: "Thanks"

Why did I thank him? I bet he's the type of dude that hangs out at the gym for too long with a sport bottle and offers to give everyone spots. Dick.

I am chilling with Jon on the couch watching various spectacles unfold. He says to me: 'Hey, who is that? (couch next to us has three black dudes sitting there. one is huge, the other is ordering champagne and the guy in the middle has a hat pulled down low and looks like he's trying not get noticed). '

I try and get a look, thinking that it might be an athlete or something. I don't recognize him. 2 minutes later, Jon goes: 'f*cking Martin Lawrence man'.

Of course Martin Lawrence was there...of course he was.

I don't want to come off as desperate, so Jon goes and talks to the big dude:

Jon: "Hey man, my boy is a comedian in DC and he'd love to talk to Martin."

BBD (Big black dude): 'Nah man, we ain't talkin business tonight'

Jon: 'No man, my boy just wants to meet him. He's a comic and he looks up to Martin."

BBD: "Oh, aaiiiggghhht. Bring him over man."

Jon then asks Martin if its cool and BBD interrupts: 'I said it was cool man!'

I shake Martin's hand and ask him what he's up to. He said something I couldn't here and I told him: "That's awesome man".

ML: "How long you been doing comedy man?"

Me: "A couple years now. I just got into NACA so hopefully I can get some college work"

ML: "Oh yeah? That's good man. Just keep doing it you know?"

Me: "Thanks man. Just wanted to tell you that you're someone I really look up to. A DC comic that really made it big (He's not originally from DC but he was here for a long time and did a lot here)."

ML: "Thanks man. I appreciate it..."

Me: "And I'm a big fan of people that do characters, because I do some of that...so I always bring people to see what you do (1st class A$$ kissing. Thanks...)"

ML: "aaaiiggghhht man, I feel you..."

Me: "And so, because I feel like you have given me so much, I feel like I should give something back...I know pretty much ever white girl in here (the entire place was filled with white girls)...so I can hook it up if you want..."

3 second pause...

ML: Laughs, his boys laugh, he shakes my hand... "aaiiiiight yo..."

The point? She may have not been interested in me, but she didn't make Martin Lawrence laugh. I did. So I win.