Thanks to the GW radio guys for having Chris White and me on this morning. We had a great time. I can't even remember what we talked about....that's how good they are. Check them out online at www.gwradio.com
Show tonight at Warehouse will be fun. Larry Poon will be there and he will bring it. Starts at 8:30 at 1021 7th street NW.
Do you ever almost get into an accident and get really flustered? I almost hit a car in front of me that should have entered a circle and then didn't. I assumed he would go so I started looking to the left to see if I could merge in. I could because no one was coming so I started to go and almost hit Nancy Nissan. She was driving a Saturn, but I think that was her name. I then started doing this thing where I imagined I had gotten into an accident and what I would say to everyone about where I was and what I was doing:
"Yeah....I just got in an accident...So I'm gonna be late...No everyone's OK...Cool man...All right...Later"
"Hey...so yeah...Uhhh...just got in an accident...no everyone's fine...well I was pulling into the circle and...no washington circle...and...OK cool...Later"
"Dude...no man...no check it out...no...Hey le...du...Lemme call you back"
GW basketball #10 in the nation. Check it out son.
I got some big comedy news yesterday. Not going to spoil it because I don't have enough info yet, but suffice to say I am awesome and you are lucky to read this.
Last, a funnydanny blog update:
A previous post about the types of dudes out there and how certain girls are drawn to them. Well, the cute, cool, and high quality young lady is now fully together with the terrible dude. The dude, who is terrible, has infiltrated and is now entrenched like a tic. Its too late now as roommates and friends are making excuses for him. 'I agree with you at first but you have to get to know him', 'He comes across that way but he's actually a nice guy', or 'He still does stuff like that but he doesn't mean anything by it'.
If you have to say these things, the dude is terrible. So, a moment of internet silence for this young lady who can't see the brighter world outside the shadow cast from you know who.
..................................................................................
Thank you.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Monday, January 30, 2006
The Sched
Tomorrow morning: Chris White and I, GWU radio. Tomfoolery shall ensue at 9:30 AM. Listen live online at http://www.gwradio.com/ do it or you will miss the jokes and that would be bad.
Tomorrow night. I'm back with Chris White and friends at the Warehouse Next Door. For more info, check out www.dccomedyfest.com. Show will be great. Larry Poon is in it and to me, that is all one really needs. We start at 8:30.
Friday night: University of Maryland at the Baltimore Room. Show starts at 6. Its early but these are college kids. They start pre-gaming to go out at 4. I respect that.
More later.
Tomorrow night. I'm back with Chris White and friends at the Warehouse Next Door. For more info, check out www.dccomedyfest.com. Show will be great. Larry Poon is in it and to me, that is all one really needs. We start at 8:30.
Friday night: University of Maryland at the Baltimore Room. Show starts at 6. Its early but these are college kids. They start pre-gaming to go out at 4. I respect that.
More later.
Friday, January 27, 2006
)(*&&@^*%&$@%$#
My earlier post got deleted so this will be brief.
Chris White and I will be appearing on GWU's radio station on Tuesday morning at 9:30 AM. You can listen live online at http://www.gwradio.com/
Chris and I will talk about, his show that night, DC Comedyfest, and why he is a good comic and why I am a hacky attention seeker.
Saw Colinn Quinn at the DC Improv last night. He's really smart but I wasn't blown away. He had a couple of great lines that made me cackle (sp?) After the show, I saw a this girl who is a friend of a friend that I hadn't seen in a while. It is my belief that this is one of the 10 hottest non-famous girls on the planet. This girl is uber-hot and also stunningly approachable. She should be famous and should be in movies playing characters where dudes are like: 'I wonder if she's like that in real life?" I want her boyfriend, and any subsequent competition to implode...which means every guy except me imploding...even still, if there were no dudes left, I bet I'd still have to act aloof to get her to pay attention.
Benefit show tomorrow night in Rockville. I've been told the show will air on Sirius radio. I think they are taping the show to play it later on. Either way, someone gets a Sirius radio credit...I meant me.
Chris White and I will be appearing on GWU's radio station on Tuesday morning at 9:30 AM. You can listen live online at http://www.gwradio.com/
Chris and I will talk about, his show that night, DC Comedyfest, and why he is a good comic and why I am a hacky attention seeker.
Saw Colinn Quinn at the DC Improv last night. He's really smart but I wasn't blown away. He had a couple of great lines that made me cackle (sp?) After the show, I saw a this girl who is a friend of a friend that I hadn't seen in a while. It is my belief that this is one of the 10 hottest non-famous girls on the planet. This girl is uber-hot and also stunningly approachable. She should be famous and should be in movies playing characters where dudes are like: 'I wonder if she's like that in real life?" I want her boyfriend, and any subsequent competition to implode...which means every guy except me imploding...even still, if there were no dudes left, I bet I'd still have to act aloof to get her to pay attention.
Benefit show tomorrow night in Rockville. I've been told the show will air on Sirius radio. I think they are taping the show to play it later on. Either way, someone gets a Sirius radio credit...I meant me.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
I Feel Like I'm Taking Crazy Pills
One of the tell-tale clinical signs insanity is a person doing the same thing twice and expecting a different result. If I touched a burning pot, got burned, touched it again in the same way and was legitimately surprised that I got burned, I'd be insane.
Well, Ron Artest isn't insane. He is just plain crazy. He is only predictable in the sense that you always never know what he is going to do. He may be the worst teammate in the history of organized sports. He's the adult version of that spastic kid on the basketball team who wasn't that good but no one wanted to play against because he didn't feel any pain and couldn't really control himself and you were always worried he was going to knee you in the thigh because he was out of control so you always passed the ball quickly when he would run at you and Coach Brown would call you a p*ssy because it looked like you were scared of contact but it was just that Kareem was so dangerous you had no idea what he would do and Kareem would never play in the games but coaches loved having him in practices as some sort of sick way to try and 'toughen up the soft private school kids' but I was actually decently tough because Fred Underwood and Nick Russel used to beat me up in Sam's Bar. yeah.
Well, the Sacramento Kings just traded for Ron Artest. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/25/AR2006012502153.html
Awesome idea. I wouldn't be surprised if in 2 months, police were called to his house because he was eating cats and making altars out of their bones. The Sacramento management is insane for taking him on. How could you expect a different result?
You know who is a great guy? Andy Lopresto. Who is that you ask? Good question. Check out this dude's webpage: www.andylopresto.com. He gets comedy and he writes nice things about Rory Scovel and me. He's also an internet.com genius and I respect guys like that. We should be internet friends Andy. Let's do myspace together.
Saturday- Rockville show, Tuesday - Warehouse Next Door (www.dccomedyfest.com), next Friday- University of Maryland.
Holler
Well, Ron Artest isn't insane. He is just plain crazy. He is only predictable in the sense that you always never know what he is going to do. He may be the worst teammate in the history of organized sports. He's the adult version of that spastic kid on the basketball team who wasn't that good but no one wanted to play against because he didn't feel any pain and couldn't really control himself and you were always worried he was going to knee you in the thigh because he was out of control so you always passed the ball quickly when he would run at you and Coach Brown would call you a p*ssy because it looked like you were scared of contact but it was just that Kareem was so dangerous you had no idea what he would do and Kareem would never play in the games but coaches loved having him in practices as some sort of sick way to try and 'toughen up the soft private school kids' but I was actually decently tough because Fred Underwood and Nick Russel used to beat me up in Sam's Bar. yeah.
Well, the Sacramento Kings just traded for Ron Artest. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/25/AR2006012502153.html
Awesome idea. I wouldn't be surprised if in 2 months, police were called to his house because he was eating cats and making altars out of their bones. The Sacramento management is insane for taking him on. How could you expect a different result?
You know who is a great guy? Andy Lopresto. Who is that you ask? Good question. Check out this dude's webpage: www.andylopresto.com. He gets comedy and he writes nice things about Rory Scovel and me. He's also an internet.com genius and I respect guys like that. We should be internet friends Andy. Let's do myspace together.
Saturday- Rockville show, Tuesday - Warehouse Next Door (www.dccomedyfest.com), next Friday- University of Maryland.
Holler
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Learning New Things
I already realize that I am dork. I'm OK with this. I used to be embarrassed that I could tell you the names of the cousins from Valley who were the masterminds of the prank war against Zach and A C on that episode of Saved by the Bell (Stan and Dan Clayton) or that I could tell you that the call sign of the Imperial Stormtrooper that Han Solo tricks onto the Millenium Falcon was TK-421, but I'm not embarrassed anymore. Part of what makes me a dork, makes me a comic.
I get really excited when I am able to teach myself new things about computers and specifically, manipulating the internet.com to my advantage. I taught myself web design and am still learning more about how to make things (Multimedia is next. Great talk) go. For example, I figured out how to add links to other comics blogs on the left side of the page. Look over there, I'll wait. See them? Not really that big a deal but I pumped my fist when I figured out how to do it. Guys like Marshall Henry, who I've wanted to link to for a long time, finally get the due attention they deserve. Its a small touch, but it makes me happy. He linked to me, so I should link to him. This leads me to my next point:
As I am still making my way through the myspace world, I have stumbled across something interesting. In the view friends area, you get to put your 'top 8' up there. Is it awkward if you are in someone else's top 8 and they are not in yours? What about if your boy is in your top 8 and you are 152nd on his page? Should I be mad at my friend Ryan Conner? Should this drive a wedge in our relationship? I am 73rd on Rory Scovel's page and he's first on mine.
What's my strategy? DO I keep them in the top 8 and try to extend the olive branch? Or do I banish them to the back of the line? Then it hit me. We are all good real world friends, but we are not good internet.com friends yet. We have to work on it. Tom, the myspace guy was my first internet.com friend and he is till my best friend in this world even though we have never met in person, we have done it over the web. I'm going to keep both those guys up there because I want our wenship (web friendship) to match our renship (real friendship).
I get really excited when I am able to teach myself new things about computers and specifically, manipulating the internet.com to my advantage. I taught myself web design and am still learning more about how to make things (Multimedia is next. Great talk) go. For example, I figured out how to add links to other comics blogs on the left side of the page. Look over there, I'll wait. See them? Not really that big a deal but I pumped my fist when I figured out how to do it. Guys like Marshall Henry, who I've wanted to link to for a long time, finally get the due attention they deserve. Its a small touch, but it makes me happy. He linked to me, so I should link to him. This leads me to my next point:
As I am still making my way through the myspace world, I have stumbled across something interesting. In the view friends area, you get to put your 'top 8' up there. Is it awkward if you are in someone else's top 8 and they are not in yours? What about if your boy is in your top 8 and you are 152nd on his page? Should I be mad at my friend Ryan Conner? Should this drive a wedge in our relationship? I am 73rd on Rory Scovel's page and he's first on mine.
What's my strategy? DO I keep them in the top 8 and try to extend the olive branch? Or do I banish them to the back of the line? Then it hit me. We are all good real world friends, but we are not good internet.com friends yet. We have to work on it. Tom, the myspace guy was my first internet.com friend and he is till my best friend in this world even though we have never met in person, we have done it over the web. I'm going to keep both those guys up there because I want our wenship (web friendship) to match our renship (real friendship).
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Primary Email
When my email isn't working, I am nothing. I become so worked up and irritated that I become completely useless, like man at a baby shower or a woman during the 2-minute drill when the Colts are driving after the Bettis fumble and she's on the phone with one of her friends and they are talking about the same thing that they talked about 5 minutes before and with any luck, 5 minutes later.
Most people are able to put things like busted email aside and move onto other things. I cannot do this. My rationale that 'it should be working' is so overwhelming that I can't see my way to do anything else other than continue to try and access my email and get increasingly frustrated, red-faced, a sometimes...a little sweaty.
Nice week of shows coming up. Just sharing.
Some of you might remember me railing against myspace in... my space. I hated it and I hated the whole idea. I now hate it less. The guy who invented this thing is a genius. I put him right up there with the guys that invented google and the Random Facts about Chuck Norris Website: http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php
Anyway, if you want to be internet.com friends with me, go to www.myspace.com/funnydanny
Remember, unless we are internet friends, our friendship in the real world means nothing.
Most people are able to put things like busted email aside and move onto other things. I cannot do this. My rationale that 'it should be working' is so overwhelming that I can't see my way to do anything else other than continue to try and access my email and get increasingly frustrated, red-faced, a sometimes...a little sweaty.
Nice week of shows coming up. Just sharing.
Some of you might remember me railing against myspace in... my space. I hated it and I hated the whole idea. I now hate it less. The guy who invented this thing is a genius. I put him right up there with the guys that invented google and the Random Facts about Chuck Norris Website: http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php
Anyway, if you want to be internet.com friends with me, go to www.myspace.com/funnydanny
Remember, unless we are internet friends, our friendship in the real world means nothing.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Calendar and Kobe
First of all, if you are sports fan or not, Kobe Bryant scored 81 points in a game last night. That's so ridiculous. When Wilt Chamberlain scored 100 (points not women. Holler), no one could cover him because he was taller and stronger than everyone and he just got the ball turned around and dunked it or missed, got his rebound, and dunked it. This, to me is way more impressive. Defenses are better, players are better, everything is tougher and the dude dropped 81 points on professionals. Absurd.
Article Summary:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/sports/?nav=globetop
Here's a little funnydanny calendar fo' that a$$:
January 28: I'm part of a Talent Showcase (music, comedy, magic, dancing... that's just what I'm doing, others will be doing other things) to raise money for HIV research. Here's the address: Performing Arts Center51 Mannakee St.Rockville, MD. Show starts at 6 and will run to 9:30. Huge 500 person theater so it should be fun.
January 31st: I'm back at the Warehouse Next Door with Chris White and Friends for a little DC Comedyfest tune up. Go to www.dccomedyfest.com for details on the show. It will be fun as Larry Poon will be there. I believe this is all that needs to be said.
Feb 3rd: Ryan Conner and I will be performing at the University of Maryland. This will be the hotness and will lead to World Peace. Fear the Turtle. Baltimore Room. Be there Friday night. Times to be announced. Lives to be changed.
Article Summary:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/sports/?nav=globetop
Here's a little funnydanny calendar fo' that a$$:
January 28: I'm part of a Talent Showcase (music, comedy, magic, dancing... that's just what I'm doing, others will be doing other things) to raise money for HIV research. Here's the address: Performing Arts Center51 Mannakee St.Rockville, MD. Show starts at 6 and will run to 9:30. Huge 500 person theater so it should be fun.
January 31st: I'm back at the Warehouse Next Door with Chris White and Friends for a little DC Comedyfest tune up. Go to www.dccomedyfest.com for details on the show. It will be fun as Larry Poon will be there. I believe this is all that needs to be said.
Feb 3rd: Ryan Conner and I will be performing at the University of Maryland. This will be the hotness and will lead to World Peace. Fear the Turtle. Baltimore Room. Be there Friday night. Times to be announced. Lives to be changed.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Rock the Paz-bah by order of the Shackelford
What a fun show last night at the Topaz Bar. Chris Palmer hosted the show and brought 1.4 million people with him. Standing room only. Crowd was a little slow to warm up but they seemed to be picking up what Jon Mumma was putting down.
Side note: That is one funny f*cking dude. Mumma is one of my favorite people to watch, not comics, people. He cracks me up. His material is really good and he is a good writer but there are a lot of people like that out there. What makes him so funny to me, is how he gets how awkward the whole dynamic is of a comic sharing personal struggles and insecurities with strangers and when we (comics) don't get the instant approval or validation, we tend to get bitter towards the crowd. Jon doesn't do that. He just makes it more awkward by going off the cuff and saying things that are funny to him. It makes me want to raise a kid and teach him the lessons that Jon teaches all of us...Back to the story:
Once the crowd got going, the show was fun. As a side, more than half the people there were old. I don't mean old like 30, I mean old like 70. They seemed to be offended by...well everything early on. Ryan Conner has a joke that is plenty clean enough for tv that he opened with...and it freaked out a few members of the crowd. Gradually, they loosened up so that when I went in with my stable of hacky potty jokes on stilts, they were ready to giggle.
One thing that really singes my pantaloons is when people say that they 'never got your email'. Yes you did. Liar. You may have accidentally deleted it, you may have read it and meant to respond but forgot and then later thought you responded when you actually only meant to respond and never actually followed through with the responding, or you may have been in the midst of a massive inbox clean-up and were going through a 'I'll delete everything! I don't care!' phase like book-burners post-Weimar in east Berlin (look it up dog. I'll hold).
This is such a convenient thing to hide behind. Happened to me the other day. I sent an email I was supposed to send with a bunch of info in it. The dude got it. I didn't get an error message and its in my outbox. Now its my word against his and I am a small brick in the building support structure so I lose. Some people counteract this with those 'Read Receipt' things but you don't want to be that guy...
"Excuse me. I said, EXCUSE ME. Have you read my message which is more important than the others. So important in fact that I am attaching a little extra hurdle for you to jump over before you go onto your next business item and make sure that you are on my schedule instead of your own. My mom, who I live with, agrees that sometimes you've got to just stick your nose in people's faces in business. Nevermind that everyone talks about how annoying I am while I sit alone in my office and clear out the break room every time I come in for a pastry and a sanka."
Don't be that guy...
Side note: That is one funny f*cking dude. Mumma is one of my favorite people to watch, not comics, people. He cracks me up. His material is really good and he is a good writer but there are a lot of people like that out there. What makes him so funny to me, is how he gets how awkward the whole dynamic is of a comic sharing personal struggles and insecurities with strangers and when we (comics) don't get the instant approval or validation, we tend to get bitter towards the crowd. Jon doesn't do that. He just makes it more awkward by going off the cuff and saying things that are funny to him. It makes me want to raise a kid and teach him the lessons that Jon teaches all of us...Back to the story:
Once the crowd got going, the show was fun. As a side, more than half the people there were old. I don't mean old like 30, I mean old like 70. They seemed to be offended by...well everything early on. Ryan Conner has a joke that is plenty clean enough for tv that he opened with...and it freaked out a few members of the crowd. Gradually, they loosened up so that when I went in with my stable of hacky potty jokes on stilts, they were ready to giggle.
One thing that really singes my pantaloons is when people say that they 'never got your email'. Yes you did. Liar. You may have accidentally deleted it, you may have read it and meant to respond but forgot and then later thought you responded when you actually only meant to respond and never actually followed through with the responding, or you may have been in the midst of a massive inbox clean-up and were going through a 'I'll delete everything! I don't care!' phase like book-burners post-Weimar in east Berlin (look it up dog. I'll hold).
This is such a convenient thing to hide behind. Happened to me the other day. I sent an email I was supposed to send with a bunch of info in it. The dude got it. I didn't get an error message and its in my outbox. Now its my word against his and I am a small brick in the building support structure so I lose. Some people counteract this with those 'Read Receipt' things but you don't want to be that guy...
"Excuse me. I said, EXCUSE ME. Have you read my message which is more important than the others. So important in fact that I am attaching a little extra hurdle for you to jump over before you go onto your next business item and make sure that you are on my schedule instead of your own. My mom, who I live with, agrees that sometimes you've got to just stick your nose in people's faces in business. Nevermind that everyone talks about how annoying I am while I sit alone in my office and clear out the break room every time I come in for a pastry and a sanka."
Don't be that guy...
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Beaten Men
First, I just rode the elevator with an idiot. How do I know he was an idiot? Good question Jim. I know he was an idiot because we rode the elevator from the 11th floor all the way down to G2. Upon arrival at G2 (which is 2 levels underground) he says: 'Wait, where's the lobby?...The first floor?'
5 second pause.
"Uh...1..."
-"Ohhhh. All right..."
I backed away and hung my head in shame for humanity. The first floor is starred dude. Some buildings, it can be weird: "Is it 1 is it L? This is anarchy!"
Not in our building. The 1 has the star. Not complicated. Look for the star and you'll be all set. If you can't figure this out, you should have to stay at home under supervision because you are a danger to yourself and others...
Next topic:
I hate going to the grocery store. I hate everything about it. Its always crowded when I can go, parking is always a b*tch with a cold sore, waiting in lines to pay for your goods is about as painful as watching a reality show in room full of 10 girls who were all in the same sorority in college, and the final bad aspect is my complete inability to make a decision about what I would like to eat at that moment and beyond. Further, toting the groceries back to my place, making several trips to get it all inside, putting the groceries away, then actually cooking the food I have bought, being unhappy with the results because I half-a$$ed the cooking, then cleaning the cookware, putting the cookware back in its place, and then feeling unfulfilled because I've had to eat the same thing 4 days in a row because its what I bought, that all sucks too. I'd rather just order something, save myself the PIA tax (pain in the a$$ tax) and pay the extra $3 to eat something good and watch Sportscenter while its being prepared off site. Utterly baffling to me why others don't feel this way.
There is one redeeming quality to the grocery store though. One. That quality is this: Couples shopping together where the man is mentally beaten into thinking that this is somehow a good idea. The poor bastard has been brainwashed into being excited about something that is not exciting. You can watch them walk the aisles together. She is completely in control and she lets him feel occasionally empowered by entertaining his ideas but she has a clear vision of what is happening and he is a mere object to that end.
Man - "Hey hon, here's some chicken on sale. Do you want to get some chicken? "
Woman- "Well when are we going to eat it?"
Man - "Maybe on Wednesday night? We could make some chicken on the grill and have some salad. Do you want to make a salad?"
Woman - "We're not going to eat all the chicken on Wednesday though. When else would you want to eat it?"
Man - "Well I could just make it all and then we could have leftovers for sandwiches. That would be good."
Woman - "We bought cold cuts last time and you didn't eat all of them and we had to throw the rest away. I need you to predict what you want to eat for the next 7 days at every meal so we can shop accordingly."
Man - "Wait...where am I? What's happening? Who are you?!! What am I doing here? Help! Help!"
Woman, takes a small remote out of her Ann Taylor functional black purse, turns the dial 1/4 to the right. A small shock is emitted based in the man's groin and quickly moves to the brain.
Man - "Ooooh hon, look, its that vinaigrette dressing that we had at Bob and Sherry's that time. Wanna get some for the salad?"
Woman smiles dryly - "Yeah, I mean, if you want to..."
5 second pause.
"Uh...1..."
-"Ohhhh. All right..."
I backed away and hung my head in shame for humanity. The first floor is starred dude. Some buildings, it can be weird: "Is it 1 is it L? This is anarchy!"
Not in our building. The 1 has the star. Not complicated. Look for the star and you'll be all set. If you can't figure this out, you should have to stay at home under supervision because you are a danger to yourself and others...
Next topic:
I hate going to the grocery store. I hate everything about it. Its always crowded when I can go, parking is always a b*tch with a cold sore, waiting in lines to pay for your goods is about as painful as watching a reality show in room full of 10 girls who were all in the same sorority in college, and the final bad aspect is my complete inability to make a decision about what I would like to eat at that moment and beyond. Further, toting the groceries back to my place, making several trips to get it all inside, putting the groceries away, then actually cooking the food I have bought, being unhappy with the results because I half-a$$ed the cooking, then cleaning the cookware, putting the cookware back in its place, and then feeling unfulfilled because I've had to eat the same thing 4 days in a row because its what I bought, that all sucks too. I'd rather just order something, save myself the PIA tax (pain in the a$$ tax) and pay the extra $3 to eat something good and watch Sportscenter while its being prepared off site. Utterly baffling to me why others don't feel this way.
There is one redeeming quality to the grocery store though. One. That quality is this: Couples shopping together where the man is mentally beaten into thinking that this is somehow a good idea. The poor bastard has been brainwashed into being excited about something that is not exciting. You can watch them walk the aisles together. She is completely in control and she lets him feel occasionally empowered by entertaining his ideas but she has a clear vision of what is happening and he is a mere object to that end.
Man - "Hey hon, here's some chicken on sale. Do you want to get some chicken? "
Woman- "Well when are we going to eat it?"
Man - "Maybe on Wednesday night? We could make some chicken on the grill and have some salad. Do you want to make a salad?"
Woman - "We're not going to eat all the chicken on Wednesday though. When else would you want to eat it?"
Man - "Well I could just make it all and then we could have leftovers for sandwiches. That would be good."
Woman - "We bought cold cuts last time and you didn't eat all of them and we had to throw the rest away. I need you to predict what you want to eat for the next 7 days at every meal so we can shop accordingly."
Man - "Wait...where am I? What's happening? Who are you?!! What am I doing here? Help! Help!"
Woman, takes a small remote out of her Ann Taylor functional black purse, turns the dial 1/4 to the right. A small shock is emitted based in the man's groin and quickly moves to the brain.
Man - "Ooooh hon, look, its that vinaigrette dressing that we had at Bob and Sherry's that time. Wanna get some for the salad?"
Woman smiles dryly - "Yeah, I mean, if you want to..."
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Thanks
Big ups to....sorry, I meant many thanks to the great crowd who came out to see the Satellite show at the Warehouse next Door last night. Everyone had a good time. A special funnydanny shoutout to the cadre of tight honies that rolled in with my boy Jon. 7 dates. In the words of the Bud Light guy, 'put that on my review'.
Here is a really nice Washington Post article about the Washington Nationals young third baseman, Ryan Zimmerman and their family's struggle with Ryan's mother having multiple sclerosis. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/17/AR2006011701428.html
Nothing funny here, MS is sort of a forgotten disease. It can affect someone in countless ways and everyday is uncertain as to how it will manifest itself. At this point, doctors are pretty much clueless about what brings it on or how to treat it. Here's a website for more info: http://www.acceleratedcure.org/
Thanks again to everyone who came to see the show. More good stuff on the way in 2006.
Here is a really nice Washington Post article about the Washington Nationals young third baseman, Ryan Zimmerman and their family's struggle with Ryan's mother having multiple sclerosis. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/17/AR2006011701428.html
Nothing funny here, MS is sort of a forgotten disease. It can affect someone in countless ways and everyday is uncertain as to how it will manifest itself. At this point, doctors are pretty much clueless about what brings it on or how to treat it. Here's a website for more info: http://www.acceleratedcure.org/
Thanks again to everyone who came to see the show. More good stuff on the way in 2006.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Satellite and the Bachelor
Tonight, Warehouse Next Door, Satellite, the hotness, 1021 7th Street, www.dccomedyfest.com for tickets, sentence fragments for emphasis. Show will be amazing. Stand-up, sketch, improv, mirth, booze. Come to the show and enjoy the little dance that we call comedy.
I saw my first episode of 24 last night. Entertaining. The people who do that show are smart. They know they only have a limited number of good actors on the show and those are the only ones who get to talk for more than 10 seconds at a time. Next time you watch, you can figure out who they don't believe in by how quick they edit/cut a scene. That dude Curtis, the CTU leader, every scene he is in goes very quickly whereas Keifer Sutherland gets much longer scenes because he is good. A couple of gripes about last night:
1) when a hostage situation is resolved after a forced incursion by a counter terrorist team, the soldiers and hostages don't just hang out at the scene as they did on the show last night. The hostages are quickly ushered away to another location and the area is secured. Read a Tom Clancy novel dude. Seriously. Everyone was sort of hanging out in the terminal like it was an office cocktail party just shooting the sh*t. False. No chance. They get everyone out of there and secure the entire airport to be sure its safe; especially when the hostiles were wearing explosives that can be remotely detonated. Really upset about this and I shouldn't be. It shouldn't have happened, you're better than that Fox. Shake the tail when you walk.
2) I don't care who you are and/or what you're agenda is, you can't walk into the first lady's room and hold a rag over her face until she passes out and then steal something from her bra and roll out. The president could do that maybe, but that's it. Otherwise, someone's going to notice. By the way, I've always wanted to do that to someone. I've never had a cause or the means to do it, just think its really badass to do it. Only badasses do it. If you get caught, you can't explain that away so you really have to be committed. I've never been that committed to anything.
After 24, my friend Lucie, had us all watch the Bachelor on ABC. She, and every other girl in America, loves this show. I was forwarded an email this morning with an in depth rundown of all the characters and a blow by blow of the episode. The level of intensity was shocking. The show takes a good looking dude and dresses him really well. This guy happens to be an idiot but that doesn't seem to matter. They are in Paris which freaks out every girl on the show and every girl watching. I've been to Paris. I expected to get off the plane and fall in love instantly while sipping wine and champagne while looking at art and losing a military conflict. Didn't happen. Awesome city, but easy chicks, easy. Take a little calm it down with the tai food you ordered for the show OK. Yeah, right behind the excedrin is some calm it down; take it after you eat 5 bites of your pad thai/steamed vegetables.
Girls love this show for several reasons:
1) Judging. The sheer volume of judgment that takes place is striking. The girls on the show are thoroughly evaluated and belittled. Things like: "OK, why is she wearing shorts with those hooker boots?" are stated. Men watching in the same room are left bewildered as their testosterone is stolen from them...
2) The fairy-tale element. Goes along with the judging. Ladies imagine themselves in the same situation competing with the other girls. They may pretend by saying things like: "I would never go on the show...". Lies, yes you would. Even the most sensical and grounded female would do it in a heartbeat. She would fill out the application with something like: 'My question is, why hasn't the bachelor found me?'
3) Competition. Shows like this prove my theory. This guy can do fine on his own because he's a good looking dude, but his personality might turn off a lot of solid chicks. Here's the most simple fact. Ready? Girls want guys that they think other girls want. Forget all the stuff you read about: 'sensitive', 'sense of humor', 'smart' or anything else you might see in a magazine. They want to win. They want to beat the other women to the guy that they think the other women want. This show is an amazing example. Every chick on the show gets worked into a frenzy about a fairy tale and about how they 'melted' when he looked at them. Do you think if she was with her friends at a bar and he came up out of the blue it would be the same? No chance. But you watch these girls compete and the dude turns into something super-human as they talk him up and make snide comments to each other as they all try and guess who he likes best. Really amazing. Can I get an anthropologist on this? Consulting fees man. Hook me up. Comedy doesn't pay sh*t.
The only one of these shows that I ever really liked was Joe Millionaire. It was sort of a 'look at how awful these women are' type of show where they got a total buffoon who could barely put together more than a sentence without saying the word 'neat' and every woman on the show talked about him being the one. Good times.
Come to the show tonight. Its gonna be outstanding. Satellite. Recognize.
I saw my first episode of 24 last night. Entertaining. The people who do that show are smart. They know they only have a limited number of good actors on the show and those are the only ones who get to talk for more than 10 seconds at a time. Next time you watch, you can figure out who they don't believe in by how quick they edit/cut a scene. That dude Curtis, the CTU leader, every scene he is in goes very quickly whereas Keifer Sutherland gets much longer scenes because he is good. A couple of gripes about last night:
1) when a hostage situation is resolved after a forced incursion by a counter terrorist team, the soldiers and hostages don't just hang out at the scene as they did on the show last night. The hostages are quickly ushered away to another location and the area is secured. Read a Tom Clancy novel dude. Seriously. Everyone was sort of hanging out in the terminal like it was an office cocktail party just shooting the sh*t. False. No chance. They get everyone out of there and secure the entire airport to be sure its safe; especially when the hostiles were wearing explosives that can be remotely detonated. Really upset about this and I shouldn't be. It shouldn't have happened, you're better than that Fox. Shake the tail when you walk.
2) I don't care who you are and/or what you're agenda is, you can't walk into the first lady's room and hold a rag over her face until she passes out and then steal something from her bra and roll out. The president could do that maybe, but that's it. Otherwise, someone's going to notice. By the way, I've always wanted to do that to someone. I've never had a cause or the means to do it, just think its really badass to do it. Only badasses do it. If you get caught, you can't explain that away so you really have to be committed. I've never been that committed to anything.
After 24, my friend Lucie, had us all watch the Bachelor on ABC. She, and every other girl in America, loves this show. I was forwarded an email this morning with an in depth rundown of all the characters and a blow by blow of the episode. The level of intensity was shocking. The show takes a good looking dude and dresses him really well. This guy happens to be an idiot but that doesn't seem to matter. They are in Paris which freaks out every girl on the show and every girl watching. I've been to Paris. I expected to get off the plane and fall in love instantly while sipping wine and champagne while looking at art and losing a military conflict. Didn't happen. Awesome city, but easy chicks, easy. Take a little calm it down with the tai food you ordered for the show OK. Yeah, right behind the excedrin is some calm it down; take it after you eat 5 bites of your pad thai/steamed vegetables.
Girls love this show for several reasons:
1) Judging. The sheer volume of judgment that takes place is striking. The girls on the show are thoroughly evaluated and belittled. Things like: "OK, why is she wearing shorts with those hooker boots?" are stated. Men watching in the same room are left bewildered as their testosterone is stolen from them...
2) The fairy-tale element. Goes along with the judging. Ladies imagine themselves in the same situation competing with the other girls. They may pretend by saying things like: "I would never go on the show...". Lies, yes you would. Even the most sensical and grounded female would do it in a heartbeat. She would fill out the application with something like: 'My question is, why hasn't the bachelor found me?'
3) Competition. Shows like this prove my theory. This guy can do fine on his own because he's a good looking dude, but his personality might turn off a lot of solid chicks. Here's the most simple fact. Ready? Girls want guys that they think other girls want. Forget all the stuff you read about: 'sensitive', 'sense of humor', 'smart' or anything else you might see in a magazine. They want to win. They want to beat the other women to the guy that they think the other women want. This show is an amazing example. Every chick on the show gets worked into a frenzy about a fairy tale and about how they 'melted' when he looked at them. Do you think if she was with her friends at a bar and he came up out of the blue it would be the same? No chance. But you watch these girls compete and the dude turns into something super-human as they talk him up and make snide comments to each other as they all try and guess who he likes best. Really amazing. Can I get an anthropologist on this? Consulting fees man. Hook me up. Comedy doesn't pay sh*t.
The only one of these shows that I ever really liked was Joe Millionaire. It was sort of a 'look at how awful these women are' type of show where they got a total buffoon who could barely put together more than a sentence without saying the word 'neat' and every woman on the show talked about him being the one. Good times.
Come to the show tonight. Its gonna be outstanding. Satellite. Recognize.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Sadness
I had to take the musical accompaniment off of my website. My internet.com provider actually called me to tell me that I had to take it off. It was just nice to talk to somebody...
All is not lost, I have found an unbelievable diversion for the work day. This is awesome: http://members.iinet.net.au/~pontipak/redsquare.html
Play. Repeat.
Satellite is getting ready for the show on Tuesday at WND. For tix and information, go to www.dccomedyfest.com. Show will be a lot of fun except for the one guy that comes and doesn't get any jokes, so uncle Pat, here is something for you:
This is an interesting Washington Post Article about Seattle. Apparently, its run by the children of the corn and everyone plays nice or he who walks behind the rows gets pissed... http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/12/AR2006011202135.html
Weird.
Have a nice weekend, unless you live in Arizona in which case you are a racist for not celebrating MLK day. Take the day off dude. Seriously. Most important guy of the 20th century for affecting positive change and also #33 on the most influential people of the millennium according to A&E's list: http://www.wmich.edu/mus-gened/mus170/biography100
All is not lost, I have found an unbelievable diversion for the work day. This is awesome: http://members.iinet.net.au/~pontipak/redsquare.html
Play. Repeat.
Satellite is getting ready for the show on Tuesday at WND. For tix and information, go to www.dccomedyfest.com. Show will be a lot of fun except for the one guy that comes and doesn't get any jokes, so uncle Pat, here is something for you:
This is an interesting Washington Post Article about Seattle. Apparently, its run by the children of the corn and everyone plays nice or he who walks behind the rows gets pissed... http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/12/AR2006011202135.html
Weird.
Have a nice weekend, unless you live in Arizona in which case you are a racist for not celebrating MLK day. Take the day off dude. Seriously. Most important guy of the 20th century for affecting positive change and also #33 on the most influential people of the millennium according to A&E's list: http://www.wmich.edu/mus-gened/mus170/biography100
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Satellite Show
The Comedy Troupe Satellite is having a show at the Warehouse Next Door on Tuesday 1/17. Show starts at 8:30. 7 of the best young comics in the country will take the stage. The best way to describe what's going to go down is stand-up with a whole lot of spices. I can't divulge too much, but know that this won't be your average standup show. For tickets and information go to www.dccomedyfest.com. Its gonna be super sweet.
Next topic:
You know how every office always has someone who always wants to give the impression that he/she is really busy because they think it makes them look good? There has been someone like that everywhere I have ever worked and I cannot stand it. When they talk to you they seem all frantic and rushed because they have so much to do and its like: 'it ain't that hard chief, settle down and play some solitaire like the rest of us.' I can't totally fault these people because it is a form of attention seeking, of which I have been accused in the past (unjustly of course), but come on, seriously. Relax. Your $30K non-profit job isn't that stressful and you are the neediest person ever; you shall not have my approval....Nope, not approving.
Next topic:
You know how every office always has someone who always wants to give the impression that he/she is really busy because they think it makes them look good? There has been someone like that everywhere I have ever worked and I cannot stand it. When they talk to you they seem all frantic and rushed because they have so much to do and its like: 'it ain't that hard chief, settle down and play some solitaire like the rest of us.' I can't totally fault these people because it is a form of attention seeking, of which I have been accused in the past (unjustly of course), but come on, seriously. Relax. Your $30K non-profit job isn't that stressful and you are the neediest person ever; you shall not have my approval....Nope, not approving.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Maybe You Two Should Talk?
This is an article about the Redskins' punter, Derrick Frost. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/10/AR2006011001856.html
The dude has some issues. A lot of good athletes have to deal with their emotions. Part of what made me competitive and successful, also made me a meltdown candidate. I feel you Derrick. Just punt the ball dude. Let go. Stretch out with your feelings...
Star Wars? Nothing? I am a dork.
The focus of this blog is this: government bureaucracy. Everyone wants to take shots at the federal government's bureaucracy, but I will tell you where it is really bad: state governments.
in 2002 I lived in DC with 3 friends. In 2005 I moved back to Virginia (thanks again mom and dad). I got a bill from the VA department of taxation that basically said:
"Hey...so what's up? How have you been?...Oh...that's cool. How's your job going?...Oh, you're doing comedy? That's awesome. Where do you do it?...Do you get nervous?...Do you do the same routine everytime or do you change it up?...Who's your favorite comic? I really like that guy that says 'Get 'er done...yeah...yeah...so anyways, you owe us $1700 in taxes from 2002 so whenever you get a chance..."
I already paid DC. I called the VA office to explain this setting off a cataclysmic chain of 'PITA' events that made me want to build a fort and live of the land. The part that's funny (although not funny haha, more like 'exasperating to the point of wanting to go postal') is that this whole thing could be solved if the lady I talked to from VA, would simply talk to the lady I talked to from DC. I am at work, I'll put you on conference call. I can do it. Let's have a menage phone right now. but no, I have to submit a written request to DC for my 2002 tax return (3 weeks ago and they still haven't cashed the check for the service payment) and then send the return to the VA office where someone will use it as a napkin and I'll have to send it again and pay a late fee.
To me, there is nothing more irritating then when I have done nothing wrong and I have to go through extra action because someone else screwed up. It is not only the principal of this but also the 'cavalier' attitude of the entity that screwed up. Its always something to the effect of: "Just have them send you a copy of the return and send it our way and you'll be all set."
More like: "remove all your fingers from your hand by pulling them out and then go rock climbing on Everest. Make it to the top and you're all set."
This is never going to end and its infuriating. RUMA
Got to my website. I gave it a soundtrack. www.funnydanny.com
The dude has some issues. A lot of good athletes have to deal with their emotions. Part of what made me competitive and successful, also made me a meltdown candidate. I feel you Derrick. Just punt the ball dude. Let go. Stretch out with your feelings...
Star Wars? Nothing? I am a dork.
The focus of this blog is this: government bureaucracy. Everyone wants to take shots at the federal government's bureaucracy, but I will tell you where it is really bad: state governments.
in 2002 I lived in DC with 3 friends. In 2005 I moved back to Virginia (thanks again mom and dad). I got a bill from the VA department of taxation that basically said:
"Hey...so what's up? How have you been?...Oh...that's cool. How's your job going?...Oh, you're doing comedy? That's awesome. Where do you do it?...Do you get nervous?...Do you do the same routine everytime or do you change it up?...Who's your favorite comic? I really like that guy that says 'Get 'er done...yeah...yeah...so anyways, you owe us $1700 in taxes from 2002 so whenever you get a chance..."
I already paid DC. I called the VA office to explain this setting off a cataclysmic chain of 'PITA' events that made me want to build a fort and live of the land. The part that's funny (although not funny haha, more like 'exasperating to the point of wanting to go postal') is that this whole thing could be solved if the lady I talked to from VA, would simply talk to the lady I talked to from DC. I am at work, I'll put you on conference call. I can do it. Let's have a menage phone right now. but no, I have to submit a written request to DC for my 2002 tax return (3 weeks ago and they still haven't cashed the check for the service payment) and then send the return to the VA office where someone will use it as a napkin and I'll have to send it again and pay a late fee.
To me, there is nothing more irritating then when I have done nothing wrong and I have to go through extra action because someone else screwed up. It is not only the principal of this but also the 'cavalier' attitude of the entity that screwed up. Its always something to the effect of: "Just have them send you a copy of the return and send it our way and you'll be all set."
More like: "remove all your fingers from your hand by pulling them out and then go rock climbing on Everest. Make it to the top and you're all set."
This is never going to end and its infuriating. RUMA
Got to my website. I gave it a soundtrack. www.funnydanny.com
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Another Example
Here is another example of some idiots with nothing better to do trying to ruin something good:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/10/AR2006011000488.html
Self-righteous groups started a campaigning against an NBA team's swimsuit calendar. You have to be 18 to buy it and the profits go to charity! Way to see the big picture you jackasses. Seriously, everyone, stop doing things like this right now. If you know someone like this, tell them to stop it. Swimsuit calendars are great, and so are fun bars and the millions of other things that people enjoy doing that get protested by people like Barbara Rotary. Here's my idea. Ready?
Don't look at the calendar if you don't like it. Let the rest of us judge for ourselves. Rant and rave about your opinion, get a blog and do what I'm doing, but stop protesting things that aren't important. You're a big fan of freedom of speech until you don't like what's being said, then you turn into the gustapo.
How about this quote:
"As Christians, we need to be increasingly discerning regarding our choices of media entertainment, recognizing that our bodies are the temple of the Lord, and we should not expose ourselves to that which will degrade and dishonor."
I'm sure Jews, Muslims, agnostics, Buddhists, atheists, Devil worshipers, earthy people that worship Gia (don't know how to spell that) or anyone else isn't offended by your projection of your 'Christian sensibilities' onto others. I'm a Christian, don't speak for me ever. Make your choice and leave the rest of us to do the same. Run fast into something solid Babs.
Save Town Hall!
see below...
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/10/AR2006011000488.html
Self-righteous groups started a campaigning against an NBA team's swimsuit calendar. You have to be 18 to buy it and the profits go to charity! Way to see the big picture you jackasses. Seriously, everyone, stop doing things like this right now. If you know someone like this, tell them to stop it. Swimsuit calendars are great, and so are fun bars and the millions of other things that people enjoy doing that get protested by people like Barbara Rotary. Here's my idea. Ready?
Don't look at the calendar if you don't like it. Let the rest of us judge for ourselves. Rant and rave about your opinion, get a blog and do what I'm doing, but stop protesting things that aren't important. You're a big fan of freedom of speech until you don't like what's being said, then you turn into the gustapo.
How about this quote:
"As Christians, we need to be increasingly discerning regarding our choices of media entertainment, recognizing that our bodies are the temple of the Lord, and we should not expose ourselves to that which will degrade and dishonor."
I'm sure Jews, Muslims, agnostics, Buddhists, atheists, Devil worshipers, earthy people that worship Gia (don't know how to spell that) or anyone else isn't offended by your projection of your 'Christian sensibilities' onto others. I'm a Christian, don't speak for me ever. Make your choice and leave the rest of us to do the same. Run fast into something solid Babs.
Save Town Hall!
see below...
Save Town Hall
I live in Glover Park in Washington DC. Its where all the cool kids live as it is a particularly mint neighborhood. There is a new restaurant/bar called Town Hall that is an outstanding place. Good food, nice bar, funny people-watching; just a cool spot. Per usual in DC, there are a few self righteous idiots who are trying to ruin something great (DC baseball anyone?). A couple of really motivated (motivated because they have nothing better to do than to spend hours of energy on something trivial) people who live close to Town Hall were able to convince the city council to force Town Hall to close at 11:30 on the grounds that "Town Hall encourages patrons to go back into the neighborhood on Hall Place (the block right behind the bar) and cause a raucous". The report also called Town Hall patrons "gangs of thugs".
People that go there are a lot of things...But thugs?
Not only are these allegations ridiculous, but Town Hall has gone out of its way to try and appease these fascists by placing a bouncer back in the neighborhood to keep patrons quiet as they come and go to the bar, they've posted signs to remind people to be quiet, and they've capitulated to these completely unfair restrictions.
Because no one really saw this coming, this small group of militants was able to obtain a order to force Town Hall to close down early every night.
Town Hall is doing its best to fight back. They (and locals) simply want the bar to be afforded the same rights and privledges as any other bar in DC. Its amazing that these restrictions were allowed to pass in the first place. How can you single out a place like that? Its within 500 yards of strip clubs that stay open all night and another couple of bars that are allowed to stay open regular hours.
If you want to help, please do the following:
Send an email to the people below and make sure to mention the following sentence: "I support Town Hall and the speedy approval of its substantial change application."
Please include your name and address and any other details you may feel are relevant and send them to kpatterson@dccouncil.us, cynthia.simms@dc.gov, anc3b@yahoo.com and cc paulcholder@hotmail.com
Mostly, regular folks don't like to do this sort of thing because we have better things to do. Well, there are small groups of people who don't have anything better to do than to ruin good things for the rest of us and its up to the regular folks to fight them to teach them to do better things. Did that make sense? No? Stop ruining fun things you idiots!
People that go there are a lot of things...But thugs?
Not only are these allegations ridiculous, but Town Hall has gone out of its way to try and appease these fascists by placing a bouncer back in the neighborhood to keep patrons quiet as they come and go to the bar, they've posted signs to remind people to be quiet, and they've capitulated to these completely unfair restrictions.
Because no one really saw this coming, this small group of militants was able to obtain a order to force Town Hall to close down early every night.
Town Hall is doing its best to fight back. They (and locals) simply want the bar to be afforded the same rights and privledges as any other bar in DC. Its amazing that these restrictions were allowed to pass in the first place. How can you single out a place like that? Its within 500 yards of strip clubs that stay open all night and another couple of bars that are allowed to stay open regular hours.
If you want to help, please do the following:
Send an email to the people below and make sure to mention the following sentence: "I support Town Hall and the speedy approval of its substantial change application."
Please include your name and address and any other details you may feel are relevant and send them to kpatterson@dccouncil.us, cynthia.simms@dc.gov, anc3b@yahoo.com and cc paulcholder@hotmail.com
Mostly, regular folks don't like to do this sort of thing because we have better things to do. Well, there are small groups of people who don't have anything better to do than to ruin good things for the rest of us and its up to the regular folks to fight them to teach them to do better things. Did that make sense? No? Stop ruining fun things you idiots!
Monday, January 09, 2006
Negative Response
I have never responded terribly well to criticism. I've always taken it too personally and let it affect me negatively instead of taking the content and using it to my full advantage...until now.
Last month in a previous blog (entitled 'Nice Look' here it is if you want to see it again: http://funnydannyblog.blogspot.com/2005/12/nice-look.html), I was kind enough to offer a public service announcement about how the male pony tail is always terrible. I think I offended one of my pony tailed readers.
Ponytail Guy said: "...and everybody needs to fit into a neat little box, and everybody needs to look exactly the same, and I'm right and everybody else is wrong. You suck. "
First of all ponytail guy, I've had a mustache, a mullet, a bowl cut, a flat top, a shaved head, and had my jersey # shaved in there. None of those terrible looks approach the day to day awfulness of the pony tail on dudes. I'm a comic dude, my whole gig is that I'm outside the box. I could go corporate like many of my boys are doing where you could be my IT guy, but I don't. Maybe you're in the box playing the role of 'pony tailed guy that rejects the rules and does his own thing 'cause the man can't tell me how to have my hair'. Wow, spun it around on you there didn't I. People who live in glass houses with pony tails should cut off their pony tails.
Second, I have friends that go across the entire spectrum of humanity: everything from a dude that wears blazers to bars, a hippy that doesn't eat meat, a knew jersey kid that new his turnpike exit before he knew his phone number, and so on. No one has to look the same or behave the same. The thing we all can have in common, is that at no time in the history of humanity, has the pony tail been a good look for a guy. I could drop science here about the tension it creates on the forward hairline, the tightening of the pores, or the framing of the face in an unflattering way but I won't do that. What I will tell you is that despite whatever it is you may be crusading for with your pony tail, the reality is that people are going to judge you based on what you give them. The first thing you are giving them is 'Why does this guy have a pony tail?' That is what you are showing people, a pony tail.
Even ponies don't like their tales. I challenge you to come up with a likeable character in any movie that had a pony tail. Take your time and really search that internet chief.
I'm not right and everyone else isn't wrong on everything, but I'm right about this big guy. The pony tail is just not a good look. Take it or leave it. Ask around though. Seriously. Ask some people who wouldn't lie to you. Ask them, "I'm thinking of getting rid of my ponytail. Do you think I should?" Watch their eyes. You will see a glimmer of excitement and hope despite what they might tell you about 'whatever you want' or 'either way'.
Thanks for reading though. I'm glad I was able to stir up enough emotion to get a response. Good luck and Godspeed.
Last month in a previous blog (entitled 'Nice Look' here it is if you want to see it again: http://funnydannyblog.blogspot.com/2005/12/nice-look.html), I was kind enough to offer a public service announcement about how the male pony tail is always terrible. I think I offended one of my pony tailed readers.
Ponytail Guy said: "...and everybody needs to fit into a neat little box, and everybody needs to look exactly the same, and I'm right and everybody else is wrong. You suck. "
First of all ponytail guy, I've had a mustache, a mullet, a bowl cut, a flat top, a shaved head, and had my jersey # shaved in there. None of those terrible looks approach the day to day awfulness of the pony tail on dudes. I'm a comic dude, my whole gig is that I'm outside the box. I could go corporate like many of my boys are doing where you could be my IT guy, but I don't. Maybe you're in the box playing the role of 'pony tailed guy that rejects the rules and does his own thing 'cause the man can't tell me how to have my hair'. Wow, spun it around on you there didn't I. People who live in glass houses with pony tails should cut off their pony tails.
Second, I have friends that go across the entire spectrum of humanity: everything from a dude that wears blazers to bars, a hippy that doesn't eat meat, a knew jersey kid that new his turnpike exit before he knew his phone number, and so on. No one has to look the same or behave the same. The thing we all can have in common, is that at no time in the history of humanity, has the pony tail been a good look for a guy. I could drop science here about the tension it creates on the forward hairline, the tightening of the pores, or the framing of the face in an unflattering way but I won't do that. What I will tell you is that despite whatever it is you may be crusading for with your pony tail, the reality is that people are going to judge you based on what you give them. The first thing you are giving them is 'Why does this guy have a pony tail?' That is what you are showing people, a pony tail.
Even ponies don't like their tales. I challenge you to come up with a likeable character in any movie that had a pony tail. Take your time and really search that internet chief.
I'm not right and everyone else isn't wrong on everything, but I'm right about this big guy. The pony tail is just not a good look. Take it or leave it. Ask around though. Seriously. Ask some people who wouldn't lie to you. Ask them, "I'm thinking of getting rid of my ponytail. Do you think I should?" Watch their eyes. You will see a glimmer of excitement and hope despite what they might tell you about 'whatever you want' or 'either way'.
Thanks for reading though. I'm glad I was able to stir up enough emotion to get a response. Good luck and Godspeed.
Friday, January 06, 2006
This Is Why I Shop at Target...
Wal-Mart made an uh-oh: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/05/AR2006010502176.html
Basically, they were rocking some unintentional bigotry. They didn't mean to but in the immortal words of my boy Pat Barry: 'They didn't mean not to'. Changes your whole perspective on sh*t doesn't it? Didn't mean not to. Wow. That is some powerful stuff. No one is saying that Wal-Mart is a racist company (well maybe some are but they are the same people that think that since I am a white professional, I have weekly meetings with other white professionals about how to make sure that black guys don't get to succeed.), but you have got to have somebody catch that internally. Come on Wal-Mart, step it up. Seriously. The fact that you weren't consciously trying to prevent something like this is why people are so pissed at you. You are a huge corporation with unlimited resources. At a certain point, one of your computer nerds has got to raise the question at a staff meeting:
Computer Nerd:"what are our criteria for the keywords going to be and is there any chance someone could be offended?"
White Wal-Mart Boss: "Good question Johnson. You and Eisenberg take a look at that. The rest of you, figure out a way to keep black people from making as much money as white people."
I kid of course.
Basically, they were rocking some unintentional bigotry. They didn't mean to but in the immortal words of my boy Pat Barry: 'They didn't mean not to'. Changes your whole perspective on sh*t doesn't it? Didn't mean not to. Wow. That is some powerful stuff. No one is saying that Wal-Mart is a racist company (well maybe some are but they are the same people that think that since I am a white professional, I have weekly meetings with other white professionals about how to make sure that black guys don't get to succeed.), but you have got to have somebody catch that internally. Come on Wal-Mart, step it up. Seriously. The fact that you weren't consciously trying to prevent something like this is why people are so pissed at you. You are a huge corporation with unlimited resources. At a certain point, one of your computer nerds has got to raise the question at a staff meeting:
Computer Nerd:"what are our criteria for the keywords going to be and is there any chance someone could be offended?"
White Wal-Mart Boss: "Good question Johnson. You and Eisenberg take a look at that. The rest of you, figure out a way to keep black people from making as much money as white people."
I kid of course.
Go! Get to the Chopper!
Sports columnists have become public figures in recent years; gaining almost as much attention as the athletes they cover. You can't turn on the radio or tv without hearing some sportswriter yelling at the top of his lungs about some issue in sports. One issue that they love to debate are athletes leaving college early to go to the pros. Michael Wilbon wrote a piece about Vince Young of Texas in today's Washington Post: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content//article/2006/01/05/AR2006010501939.html
Thankfully, Wilbon is right about this case but he is typically one of these 'stay in school no matter what' guys
The arguments against going pro that these guys often espouse are irritating to me. They talk about a 'college education' like its this mythical key to life and no one has ever been successful unless they do a regimented 4 year program. I hate this. First of all, you can always go back and get your degree if you are worried about the academic side of things. Second, does anyone remember college? It involved getting as drunk as you possibly could and having sensitive conversations about 'like, finding myself, and just feeling like, I don't know or whatever". Please. The ability to play a sport that you love at the highest level is a narrow window, even for the great talents. Injuries or other issues can strike at any time (Maurice Clarret anyone?). The kid has a chance to be set for life financially which is way more than just a piece of paper saying he took enough sociology/geology classes to graduate. Always go. If there is a chance you will be drafted, go. Always.
When someone leaves early, they are not necessarily giving up anything other than on campus frat parties and getting caught drinking in dorm rooms. You can still go to school, you just can't play sports there which makes you just like the other 99% of college students. I played college baseball. Had I been drafted, I'd have been gone. Sure I'll see you in the fall for classes but I'm following my dream in the meantime thanks.
Topic change:
I've been sick this week. I, and most men I know, are complete pansies when they are sick. I find that women are typically way better at dealing with being sick/tired than men are. Is it a physiological nuturer thing? Or is it because they are attracted to terrible dudes and they always say they want a sense of humor but in reality they will laugh at any a$$hole's joke as long as they think he's cute and disinterested enough to appear as though he has other options. That may not have been related.
Thankfully, Wilbon is right about this case but he is typically one of these 'stay in school no matter what' guys
The arguments against going pro that these guys often espouse are irritating to me. They talk about a 'college education' like its this mythical key to life and no one has ever been successful unless they do a regimented 4 year program. I hate this. First of all, you can always go back and get your degree if you are worried about the academic side of things. Second, does anyone remember college? It involved getting as drunk as you possibly could and having sensitive conversations about 'like, finding myself, and just feeling like, I don't know or whatever". Please. The ability to play a sport that you love at the highest level is a narrow window, even for the great talents. Injuries or other issues can strike at any time (Maurice Clarret anyone?). The kid has a chance to be set for life financially which is way more than just a piece of paper saying he took enough sociology/geology classes to graduate. Always go. If there is a chance you will be drafted, go. Always.
When someone leaves early, they are not necessarily giving up anything other than on campus frat parties and getting caught drinking in dorm rooms. You can still go to school, you just can't play sports there which makes you just like the other 99% of college students. I played college baseball. Had I been drafted, I'd have been gone. Sure I'll see you in the fall for classes but I'm following my dream in the meantime thanks.
Topic change:
I've been sick this week. I, and most men I know, are complete pansies when they are sick. I find that women are typically way better at dealing with being sick/tired than men are. Is it a physiological nuturer thing? Or is it because they are attracted to terrible dudes and they always say they want a sense of humor but in reality they will laugh at any a$$hole's joke as long as they think he's cute and disinterested enough to appear as though he has other options. That may not have been related.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Peace Out Abramoff
First, if you haven't seen this, see it and come on back: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/03/AR2006010300474.html?referrer=email&referrer=email&referrer=email
Jack Abramoff is going down and he is taking a whole bunch of people with him. This dude is a total scumbag. Check out the picture of him on the post site. He looks like some 1920s Al Capone mobster. This whole saga really is like something out of a movie with smokey back rooms at bars, and those kind of hats that let you know that a dude is a mobster because when he takes it off his hair is slicked back and totally in place and he has this look like: "I'll kill you dude. Seriously. Are you still here?" The kind of dude that can slap a bartender and not get kicked out of the bar...
January 17th: Satellite returns with a vengeance...a comedy vengeance. We are having a show on Tuesday night at the Warehouse Next Door Theater which is an awesome space downtown. Should be an incredible show with a ton of variety. I am not going to spill the beans (worst expression that mob movies ever gave us by the way) as to what you will see but know that it will be different than your normal standup show with 7 hilarious comics...
Jack Abramoff is going down and he is taking a whole bunch of people with him. This dude is a total scumbag. Check out the picture of him on the post site. He looks like some 1920s Al Capone mobster. This whole saga really is like something out of a movie with smokey back rooms at bars, and those kind of hats that let you know that a dude is a mobster because when he takes it off his hair is slicked back and totally in place and he has this look like: "I'll kill you dude. Seriously. Are you still here?" The kind of dude that can slap a bartender and not get kicked out of the bar...
January 17th: Satellite returns with a vengeance...a comedy vengeance. We are having a show on Tuesday night at the Warehouse Next Door Theater which is an awesome space downtown. Should be an incredible show with a ton of variety. I am not going to spill the beans (worst expression that mob movies ever gave us by the way) as to what you will see but know that it will be different than your normal standup show with 7 hilarious comics...
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Being Joyous and Then Ruining It
Remember that time that the Redskins won and it meant that they are going to the playoffs and it means that the dallas cowboys were eliminated? Oh, that's this year. As the boos reigned down from the philadelphia fans I remembered why I love football so much. The skins have won 5 straight games and are playing with house money going into the playoffs. They have to go on the road and play a good team but it really doesn't matter at this point because we are one of the big boys again. We are relevant and its been so long since we could say that. Many wonderful things have been written. I would suggest going to the following articles for free mirth...
My favorite sports writer Thomas Boswell: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/01/AR2006010101041.html
Another favorite Tony Kornheiser: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/02/AR2006010201389.html
A non-favorite but still a great article from Sally Jenkins: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/02/AR2006010200168.html
The greatest aspect of all of this is that the owner of the dallas cowboys, jerry jones, was watching the Redskins play on Sunday. Only a Redskins loss would keep his dallas team alive. As the game was tight in the 4th quarter, he was still hopeful but that was all destroyed when Sean Taylor returned a fumble for a touchdown. Please keep in mind jerry jones is the worst person alive. He is more machine now than man...After numerous plastic surgeries, he looks like an alien had congress with a store mannequin and gave birth to lil jerry. My buddy is a bartender at a trendy dallas spot and informed me that jones comes in there all the time with several younger and also plastic looking chicks, goes back into one of the offices and does blow like Tony Montana in Scarface. Worst dude alive.
Needless to say, my last couple of days were filled with mirth. '06 has been tight so far. I really f*cked that up last night. My buddy Quinn and I decided to watch 'the Excorcism of Emily Rose'. Absolutely terrifying to the point that every time I closed my eyes last night I opened them in a panic. I walked around my apartment several times in the middle of the night and turned on all the lights and checked all the closets. The worst part was that the weather outside was just like in the movie and no one was around when I got home. I am still on edge this morning. I thought that when the elevator opened, I would step into an apocalyptic world of gray where demons roam freely about and terrorize those that are unfortunate enough to be stuck in this living hell...or 'philly' as its known in the common tongue. I tell people that I like horror movies. You know what? I don't. That movie really got to me. I'm listening to people talk and I can kind of hear the soundtrack to the movie when Emily is losing her mind and am counting the seconds until somebody's face starts to melt or pictures start to bleed or a demon shadow appears before me just to let me know he cant take me anytime he wants.
I'll tell you what really does it. When at the beginning of the movie they go: "This is a true story". Even if it isn't true, its still really scary. You know what else is scary? When a nice girl starts speaking in aramaic and informs a priest doing her exorcism that she is actually inhabited by 6 different demons and then in a different voice not her own for each one names them and snakes fall from the ceiling and then everything goes black and all you can see are eyes. Awesome. Can't wait to try and relax and go to sleep. For those of you that have seen the movie, if I happen to wake up in the middle of the night and my clock says 3:00 AM, I will make wherever I am a bathroom.
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