Video Clip

Hey friends and others who are here now, nothing posted for a while.  Here is something!

This week

Some stuff coming up this week:

-I'm closing out the show at Ri-Ra this Wednesday in Arlington.  Never been, should be fun.  Show starts at 8.

-I'm closing out the show at the Topaz Bar in Dupont.  Been lots of times, should be fun.

-I'm featuring at Magooby's Joke House this weekend in Baltimore with Richie Byrne.  These shows should be a great time.  2 shows on Friday and Saturday at 8 and 10:15.  That's PM.

-I'll be on the morning show on 98 Rock on Thursday morning.  Listen live.

I tried to solve a rubik's cube for 4 hours last night.  Totally unsuccessful.

Come see me this week!

Little Big Guy

This Saturday the 18th of October, my buddy JL Cauvin is putting on a really cool show.  I'm on it which does not help the coolness I guess, but it's still happening.

The venue is the Triad Theater which is a great space for a show.  It's at 158 W 72nd Street.  Show starts at 9.  You've got to make reservations because it will sell out.

Go to www.triadnyc.com.  

Tix are $15 and you'll buy some adult sodas.  Should be a great time.

Check out the trailer for the show here at: www.jlcauvin.com.

Comedy Sucks

This is why people quit comedy.  You do shows which you hope let you do shows that you want and the whole thing was for nothing.  I know that didn't make sense.  

The point is, you keep putting these irons in the fire in hopes that something good will get created.  It really takes it's toll when you all you pull out is another piece of scrap metal time an time again.  You see other people making it and it breaks your heart.  Not because you don't want success for them, but because you know you deserve it too.  It's heartbreaking because it takes so much out of you and of the people around you.  You sacrifice and make them sacrifice too.  For what?  It's hard to see when you go through a lot and feel like you are right back where you started.  You can remember the good shows and that's what keeps you going.  You know you can do it and that, is literally the only thing to keep you going.  If you stunk, and couldn't crush ever, you wouldn't want this as bad.  Deep down you'd know that you don't deserve it.  But you do and here you are, wondering what the point is.

After the show I had tonight, I am having a really tough figuring it out.  The uncertainty makes me remember all horrendous times I've experienced since I started doing comedy.  They compound themselves in my mind like an avalanche of negativity.  Getting passed over, time and again is a slap in the face of some harsh reality.  Hope can only get you so far.  Eventually, you realize that NO ONE has your interests in mind.  Not ever.  That's as discouraging as anything else.

I'm not walking away just yet.  At the end of the day, week, month, or year I have to be able to look in the mirror and ask myself: 'did I do everything I possibly could to make it?'  I haven't yet.  I'm closer than I was before, but not yet.

Let me close by saying: F&*^@*(!!!!!!!!!

Shows Up and You Shows Up

I've got a show this Saturday at the Laugh Lounge.  It's a cool club in the LES.  It's an early show and should be a lot of fun.  A bunch of guys are getting looked at by the club so hopefully it's an opportunity for me to work a little bit.

Details:

Laugh Lounge

151 Essex Street (between Rivington and Stanton)

6:30 PM

$12 tix

Let me know if you want to come.

I'm trying to get to writing more often again.  (sounds of applause... dwindling...and gone)

Matchups

Who wins in a fight?

2 Jonas brothers vs John Mayer?

AC Slater from the wrestling episode on Saved By the Bell vs Chris Griffin in the Family Guy when he wrestles the imaginary bear?

Jennifer Aniston from the time she was on Mad TV vs. Courtney Cox from Masters of the Universe?

Paris: The City of Light Windy Apples

I just spent a week in Paris, France not Texas.  It was an amazing trip.  I'm broke now (not an update) but it was worth it.  There are so many incredible sights in this city and it's pretty easy to get around.  

Here are the differences between Paris and New York City.  Yes, this is definitive.

-The Subway system is incredible in Paris.  NYC Subway is good but doesn't hold a candle to Paris.  Here's why:

In Paris, the train comes every 4 minutes.  Literally.  Every line, always.  Every 4 minutes.

In NYC, it's easy to get uptown/downtown but getting east/west is often a pain in the an-us.  In Paris, the system is like a spiderweb with stations constantly intersecting.

-Everything is older in Paris.  You can walk by a neighborhood church, poke your head in, and see that it was built in 1648.  Pretty neat.

-They show American shows in Paris and their original tv programming is atrocious.  For episodes of Law & also Order, the add stuff like this: "How do you say...le.....BUM BUM".  Note: this is not true.

-The reputation for Parisians being rude is largely unfounded.  However, there are some times when you are astounded.  Examples:

1) We went to sit down and have a coffee.  There were 14 tables open.  We sat at one.  The waitress eventually comes over and asked us: "Etes-vous ici pour les dejeuner?"  Which means: 'Are you here for lunch?'

We said (in broken French): 'non. soulement pour cafe.'  Which is : 'no. Only for coffee'

The waitress then went on a tirade which we eventually realized was about the fact that we were not allowed to sit where we were sitting, with 13 other open tables, if we were only going to drink coffee.  We were made to move 6 feet to a different table that was not differently marked in any way.  There were no signs indicating this policy and no way of knowing which tables would cause someone to chastise paying customers because of their seating choices.

2) We were looking for a train station called the RER.  We asked a local: 'Ou est le RER station?'  He looked puzzled.  We each took turns trying to say: 'RER' with our best fraccent.  He continued to not understand.  Then finally, he shook his finger at us and said: 'oh...RER (in a fake American doing French accent)...non...'

Then he over-exaggerated the Frenounciation: 'est. EH-RRR-AAA-EH-RRR'.  He then pointed across the street no more than 150 feet from where we were standing.  Really dude?

Still, phenomenal trip.

I'm still really pissed at the bailout.  The thing I think that not enough people are saying (not enough people that can influence the decision anyway) is that the reason this call is being made is because our leaders are scared to tell Americans that we have to change the way we live.  From the top down, over the last 30 years, we've been living over our means.  We've borrowed and spent and borrowed some more.  This isn't just Wall Street, it's everyone.  It's the developers that continued to throw up McMansions, it's banks that frivolously lending, and people borrowing more than they could pay back, it's universities inflating tuition forcing people to borrow some more, it's US car companies refusing to plan for a future, but most of all, it's a lack of willingness to change our life styles.  God forbid anyone (meaning a politician) points the finger at us and says: 'you are living irresponsibly.  And it's time for a change.  We'll all be better off in the long run if you make a few sacrifices now.'  

This can't happen in today's climate.  One thing liberals and conservatives have in common these days is a place to put blame.  Each side has a boogeyman it can point to and say: 'Here's why we're fooked'.  Gone are the days of 'ask not what your country can do for you.'  We'll sit here now as this enormous band aid gets syphoned out of our pockets and pat ourselves on the head and tell ourselves that everything is OK now.  Well it isn't.  In years past, liberals would always want to blame the system for the failings of individuals and conservatives would always choose to blame the individuals, well, right now both sides would be right.

Quick Article

Great piece written very clearly on the Wall Street Crisis:

Washington Post Op-Ed piece.

The Bailout is Bullsh*t

This is political I guess.  Sorry, but it's important to me.  Giddyup.

This market bailout by the federal government is good in the short term (as evidenced by the 2 day rebound of stock prices on Wall Street which pretty much erased the losses earlier in the week).  Confidence is back.  Good old Uncle Sam to the rescue.  Here's what it really means:

With the money that you and I (probably you because I'm a poor comic) put into the federal government was used to erase horribly irresponsible fiscal behavior.  This is beyond debate.  Lots of smart folks saw this credit crisis coming years ago, some saw it recently, whatever the case, enough people knew this was coming to have prevented a national and international financial crisis for the US.

Take The Economist, in 2005, they called the housing bubble bursting because it was obvious to them, even then, because people were borrowing beyond their means, lenders were lining up ('when banks compete you win!'  Heard that slogan before?) to toss money at anyone who wanted it, and the market was so inflated, a collapse was imminent.  They also said this would lead to a wave of 'failures'.  Yup.

There are more but this is not an I told you so.  What it really is, at its core, is an old boys club trying to stay on their surfboards as the latest wave lines their pockets, increases their margins, and keeps them rich.  Long term fiscal solvency, once a staple of Wall Street giants like Lehman Brothers, was cashed in long ago.  No one went against the tide.  It's easy to say they should have known better.  Even if I did know better, I am not paid for that knowledge.  There are people who's job it is to predict things like this and if they did predict it, no one listened.

Now, here is why this government bailout is wrong:

-It's corporate welfare.  You know how people complain about 'white collar criminals' serving easy sentences when they stole millions and regular criminals doing hard time because they robbed a grand from one person?  Where here you go.  The giants screw up, we pay.  Note that if said giant recovers and thrives, you and I will never see that money but that's secondary.

-The US has moved away from LBJ's social welfare state.  We're not in the business of saying, 'Hey you screwed up, here are all your losses back and some money to start again'.  It's about risk.  Where are the FDIC bailouts for small businesses and a nearly extinct middle class?  It's silly right?  Guy opens a bar, the bar fails because he charged $.50 per beer, he gets all his money back from the government.  That would never happen right?  

-It's obvious to those of you that are politically oriented that I'm a fiscal conservative.  To that end, I have always believed the greatest factor in economics is consumer confidence.  If people feel like they are getting value, they spend and all is well.  Now in the short term, we've got that with the bailout.  I'd trade the short term high five party for a dependable market long term.  We have literally put a finger in the damn with a 1000 leaks and are calling the problem fixed.  Once we wake up after the weekend, no one can afford to fill up their gas tanks, homes are still being foreclosed at record rates and we're paying more for less.

-Philosophically, I loathe government intervention to make up for irresponsible behavior.  In the same way I hate the idea of someone receiving more welfare for more poor decisions, I hate the idea of Wall Street cronies who've cost the nation billions so they can go back to business as usual, getting bailed out.  This is a slippery slope people.  Alarms should be going off as this happened on a conservative president's watch (albeit that watch was blindfolded, drunk, and locked in a basement with loud sitar music blaring).  

-Here's the last thing I'll say about this.  Confidence and hope are great things.  They really are.  But would you rather build a house of cards or one made of steel that was hard to build?  Right now, we're choosing the card house.  We'd rather people feel good about themselves then do the right thing for the long term health of our country.  I find this step taken by our government to be a slap in the face to the thousands of Americans who are scraping to get by.   The market was crashing and we fixed it... for now.  

Spoiled

That's how I feel right now.  I counted it up and I did 13 sets in 10 days when I was out west in Seattle and Vancouver.  My comedy experiences in both cities was just incredible.

Seattle: This is a true comedy community.  The story, the basic one that is, goes like this.  The big club in town wasn't run very well.  The manager wasn't great about local talent and generally left a lot to be desired.  So instead of competing with each other for a few scraps from the table, the comics came together and worked their butts off.  They started their own scene, worked out deals with venues and sponsors, and really started something special.  Their shows draw GREAT comedy crowds and it was fantastic to perform out there.  Now, the Peoples Republic of Komedy is a brand name that has carved out a permanent home in Seattle.  It's big enough that they have their own section in an enormous festival that features acts from all across the country.

They took hold of their own comedy destiny.  I met a bunch of fabulous comics out there that are products of this great scene.  The amount of work they put in is staggering compared to the meager efforts that guys like me have ever done.  Really inspiring.  My final thought on this is that no one out there would ever sh*t on guys like Curt Schackelford; someone that gives stagetime should be supported.  Even if a majority of the comics don't like the way he books/runs his room, he has created a viable scene outside of the Club Monopoly.  This is super important.

Vancouver: One of the most beautiful cities in the world.  The comedy club is perfect.  Seriously.  It's a perfect club.  It was designed for comedy and it is the most fun place to work ever.  The worst night there this past weekend is still better than anywhere else I've worked.  I spent each day walking around outside taking in some badass scenery.  They have it all: mountains, beach, river/bay/ocean, great architecture, and green space.  Also, the club has popcorn that you can snack on.  Popcorn.

Why don't you just move there Danny?  You want to know why?  Because the coins matter.  I hate change (and not just things being altered, I do get uncomfortable with things being different).  I cannot stand it.  I hate coins.   I hate keeping track of them, dealing with them, and using them.  In Canada, like Europe, they have dollar coins.  They also have 2 dollar coins.  2!  So annoying.  You could be holding 9$ in coins and barely even know it.  I cannot keep track of them and that's why I could never live in Canada.  Is that the only reason?  Yes.  100%.  That's it and it is beyond negotiation.

Back in NYC now.  Got some stuff coming up.  Look for some new podcasts soon.  Should be fun.

Bumbershoot...It's Gone

Awesome.  What a great f-ing time I had here in Seattle, the windy apple.  They have a good scene out here and it was really cool to be welcomed so readily.  I would encourage the DC scene to act accordingly.  A bunch of guys came in from NY and LA and the Seattle guys welcomed us with open arms.  We got to perform on incredible shows in front of packed houses.  I hope to acquire some video documenting these things.

For the fest itself, it is superbly run.  All the comedy shows were sold out, people could afford to attend them, and the shows themselves were run effectively by people that know comedy.  Our show, Sweet Haven, was a juggernaut of happy.  Everyone had great sets, the running sketch was a home run, and the crowd loved us.  We had people coming up to us into the next day telling us how much fun they had.  It felt great.  Every comic should get the chance to have a great show in front of a packed out theater full of willing people.  It was like a gift.

I was able to get stage time at a club called Mainstage...which is unfortunately going out of business but that's not the point.  The point is, they didn't have to give me 2 sets and they did.  Cool people over there.

I'm off to Vancouver on Thursday to work my favorite club in the world, the Vancouver Yuk Yuk's.  This place is a comedy machine.  I can't wait.

NYC, prepare for my homecoming on Sunday.

NFL starts Thursday.  My Skins are a 5-11 team.  We'll see if they finish that way.

Seattle and Some Thoughts

It's been a while.  That's my fault.  Here's what I have going on and some thoughts in a quick hit style:

-I'm going to Seattle tomorrow for the Bumbershoot Festival.  I'm really excited to perform out there.  I've become friends with some Seattle guys and the scene sounds really cool.  I'm also excited to drink coffee.

-I bought a Mac.  I bought it out of anger.  I got so mad at my Dell laptop that I went online and bought the Macbook I'm using now.  Note: it's awesome.  One upgrade I put in was to increase the RAM to 4G instead of the standard 2G.  I love speed.  It's the most important thing to me by far.  I'm sure there is a pretty hard and fast rule about 'purchasing major things out of anger'.  Whatevs.

-Just wanted to make a quick comment on my buddy Joe Robinson no longer being employed by 98 Rock.  Joe as handled this situation with nothing but class.  While Joe was there, he was an enormous asset to local comics.  His show was a great place for guys to showcase themselves in an environment where guys 'got it'.  Along with his partner Theo, Joe created a phenomenal outlet for comics to entertain a radio audience.  He facilitated, put in more than he got back, and sacrificed whatever he had to in order for the show to work.  I can tell you 1st hand experience from being down in Cancun with the show that it was really good.  It's a shame (and Joe has covered this on his blog) that the show was probably doomed from the start.  But everyone should know that it was no fault of Joe's.  

-I'm also excited to go back to my favorite comedy club on Earth, the Vancouver Yuk Yuks.  I'm there the week after Bumbershoot

-Sweet Haven (the NY show I'm involved in) will be on hiatus for a month or so until we all get back from out west.  We were going strong at Rififi until it closed and now we are back at square one searching for a venue.  It's hard.  Not impossible, just hard.

-I did a show at a new club last night.  The crowd was small but I actually had a good time with them.  It was one of those shows where, in years past, I might have dropped my energy and mailed it in so I didn't look foolish.  I didn't do that which gave me some satisfaction.  It's the biggest thing I struggle with so it's exciting to feel like I've grown as a comic.

-I'm really disappointed in Obama's choice of Biden.  It was a move, in my mind that was not indicative of his campaign to this point.  It reeks of 'over thinking'.  To me, it looked like a move to win Pennsylvania as Biden is from Scranton and is known as the 3rd PA Senator.  While that doesn't seem terribly flawed, Biden has been in Washington for 36 years.  He is an inside the beltway man.  This is in conflict with the 'change we can believe in' mantra.  Biden is a business as usual limousine liberal which doesn't go with what Obama has presented to this point.  Biden does have TONS of foreign policy experience which could be an asset but it looks like a panic move.  'What is the criticism against us? That we don't have experience. OK, get someone with experience'  Kaine or Bayh.  Don't play down to your opponent.  You don't change who you are because of who you are going against, you play your game.  It worked in the primary bruh.  You beat the bitch with the energy of your volunteers, new voters, a simple message, and better strategy.  

-I also believe that Biden will cost Obama at some point.  He is prone to spouting off and saying inappropriate things.  He is also a well documented plagiarist.  Does it bode well that the Repubs are happy with the selection?  Don't forget that Biden said: 'I don't think he's ready' during the primaries.  I don't see this partnership working well.

-I also think McCain is about to make the same kind of mistake with Mitt Romney.  Attempting to win some support in Michigan and appealing to the conservative base.  Just be the maverick, pick Lieberman and be who you are.  My boy attorney Jon also suggested Kay Bailey Hutchinson who might help bring the evilbitch Dems over to McCain's side.

-That's what I got for now.  Thanks for reading.

Peoples Republic of Komedy Radio Blog

PROK TALK.

Here it be:

Sweet Haven is Weekly Starting in July!

It's because we brought it. What.

Stay tuned for updates.

Sweet Haven on Sunday

Check it. It's going to be amazing:

The B*tch Is Back

She never left I guess. In fact, she won't leave. I hate her. God I hate her so much. I'm not saying her name because I don't want the google ads on the page to appear so that anyone reading will be tempted to go to her dumb website. I will just say that her name ryhmes with Shmillary Flinton and she should be taken to a far away location.

I try to be a pretty understanding guy; meaning, I always like to argue 'the devil's advocate' position or attempt to identify with an opposing viewpoint (as a side, I know I'm stubborn/obstinate/obtuse, I'm just saying that even in my convictions, I can often understand where the counters are...even if they are wrong and my beliefs empirically correct). That said, I literally cannot see how someone can support this woman. Shmillary tops herself every week. This information isn't just for insiders, it's available to the public.

Take the Michigan/Florida gong shows for example.

Both states were upset that the initial primary states (New Hampshire/Iowa/South Carolina) had too much influence. They wanted their states to be in the national conversation. This is a valid concern. It is. Because the 1st states have to be first, we now start our primary season in January. Absurd. It takes way too long. And why should these select states have this arbitrary huge influence while states like Michigan and FLA are afterthoughts? This is a great debate. Just not for right now.

The Democratic Party (via the DNC) of which Shmillary Flinton said again last night that she is 'COMMITTED' to, voted to strip MI and FL of their delegate votes if they moved up their primaries. The states did so the DNC did what they said they would do. All the candidates involved in the primary who are able to gain a platform because of the Democratic party agreed to remove their names from the ballot...except for that absolute snake Shmillary Flinton who in her black and evil heart knew that she might be able to twist the crusade of each state that has a legitimate beef with the current system into some kind of leverage for her campaign to suck all the life out of the universe. So there we were, sighting flighty stats like exit polls and 'voter intent', Shmillary's people are asking for the rules to be changed after the game ended. Amazing.

I bet you want an analogy to elucidate this. Well giddyup.

A major league baseball game is played. The visiting team loses 5-4. The visiting team, after the game is over files a protest with major league baseball, not that the home team cheated mind you but something to the effect of 'the distance of 90 feet between the bases is arbitrary. Why not 89 ft or 95 ft?' Then, the visiting team wanted the base hits they got in batting practice to count for their final result in the game. No one else was on the field but those were good hits!!!!

I am still in shock that there was a compromise. Counting half the delegates was such a cop-out. It was just a way to say: 'Look Shmillary, we gave you something' because they knew she would still ultimately lose....or would she?

She still can't say it. She asked for $ last night. She is trying to decide how to angle for the VP nomination or to run as an independent after using the Democratic party for the last several years. She repeats her '18 million votes' total every chance she gets. If she is the VP nominee, I will not vote for Obama. Period. She needs to go away...like to hell where they have lots of sniper fire and pandering. I f*cking hate her more than I hate social injustice, fear, excessive heat and when girls respond to game from terrible dudes named 'Wynn' or 'Yardley'.

GO AWAY!

PS. In case you wondering who the picture is of, it's how I picture Shmillary Flinton. It's an immortal inherently evil being named Morgoth for Middle Earth. Sauron was a captain in his army as Morgoth ruled the free peoples of Middle Earth in the darkest age in the history of the world. I used this photo because I couldn't find one of 'Ungoliant' the wicked giant spider that spins darkness from her foul womb to cover the world in sadness.

Wednesday of '05

I was trying to think of something to write about today and decided to go over some old blogs for inspiration. I came across this piece and had an amazing time recalling the event that inspired it:

Its from September of '05:

Mexican Restaurants and Dremos

Stunning. That is the only word I can think of to describe the show I did Sunday night. I did a Christian Comedy night at a Mexican restaurant in Germantown. I could not make that up. There was gospel music playing before the show started and the intro I had to memorize for the headliner went just like this: "Here she is, all the way from Springfield, VA. She's here to bless you. Please put your hands together and praise the lord... ____________ (her name)"

She then sang some gospel music and the people loved it. No one in the place liked my jokes. The very nice lady who put the show together promised the crowd that none of the comics would make fun of the audience. After my jokes drew zero laughs, I resorted to making fun of the audience. There was a freshman in high school there and I gave him the tools to be the most popular kid in class for at least one day. His dad was cool and laughed at the appropriate times so he really stood out.

I called out one guy because he wouldn't clap and made it so awkward that he had no choice but to clap. I won. One of the comics ate a piece of chicken on stage and then did hurricane jokes. I will recommend him to the Boston Comedy Festival. Zing! It still hurts goddamnit.

End old post.

This was shortly after I had been bounced right out of the Boston Comedy Festival in the 1st round. The chick that won on that show was just terrible. And yet...I went back the next year. Good call.

Back to the Christian show. I mean wow. I had totally forgotten about this. What an astounding event. This lady didn't really tell jokes. I don't really know how to describe it. Here's a loose recollection of something she might have said:

"y'all know when them boys is outside...them little boys outside just gettin' dirty...y'all know you be freakin' out...good lord have mercy praise his name you be freakin' out...you be in that house losin' yo' mind girl...'I know you ain't comin' in the house with mud on them shoes!' Lord have mercy bless his holy name..."

I wish I remembered her name so that you could look it up. I didn't want to put it in the original post because it might have gotten back to her but I think the statue of limitations is up on that fear. But, I forget things. And yes, as I've mentioned before, I have ADD. Take that anonymous poster that hates me.

How Could Anyone Not Like You Jerry?

I've come to learn that there are some people that don't like me. For someone who's entire life, literally, is based on the acceptance of others, this is hard to take. I cannot stand it; repeat, cannot stand it, when I know someone doesn't like me. Even if I don't like that person, I am driven crazy if I perceive any dislike from said party.

Recently, I posted a guest blog on the really cool DC Comedy blog. The guys that run this blog do a great job of keeping content going and posting things (not always popular) that spawn discussion. My buddy sent out an email asking for some content. I had something on my mind so I threw it together and sent it off. I don't think it was the best written piece I've ever constructed but I felt like it was a decent expression of what I hoped would be a pretty simple message.

You can read the post and the wealth of angry responses here. The comments are really interesting. Here's what typically happens on this site:

-Someone will post something that is thoughtful and worth discussing. It may not be a popular stance or opinion but it is usually well thought out and from a comic with a valuable perspective.
-Some will agree or disagree
-An anonymous person will attack the person/blog with things that have very little to do with the posting.
-The poster or others that have commented will engage in a written feud with this anonymous person that goes on for a day or two until a new post goes up

That's pretty much what happened when I put up my post. The anonymous commenter (or at least one of them) clearly knows me. He/she also clearly does not like me. The anger in the comments is clear. My point (again, I wish I was more eloquent and clear in my writing) was that it's easy to blame others about why you are not getting the stagetime/shows you want. I see that as selfish and an easy way out. I encourage comics to make their own opportunities because we are not owed anything. Complaining about the manner in which someone books a show is a waste of time as it is that person's show. He/she books the way they book. A booker can book however they want. They can book terribly (often the norm) or they can book great. Either way, they (bookers) do not owe comics anything. We are dependent upon them. My contention is that we have to find a way to make our own breaks instead of complaining about the way that a person runs his/her room.

One possibility is that the anonymous person is a friend of mine who is doing an amazing job f-ing with me. The other, and the possibility that I believe, is that this person really doesn't like me. Something about me and/or this site so drives this person to such levels of anger, that he/she has no choice but to make the harshest comments possible. I refused to get into the kind of digital shouting match that quickly devolves into the 'why don't you kill yourself f@ggot!?!?' It was just incredible to me to watch this play out.

There are some who assumed I was directing the post at specific targets and because I didn't specify anyone, was 'calling out' certain guys. Confusing? I don't get it either.

The thing that gets me I guess is how quickly this devolved. I tried to say, 'stop feeling sorry for yourself and go make it happen'. Somehow, it meant I was calling everyone a hack, telling newbies to quit, and had never offered a kind word to anyone in my 4.5 years of struggling as a comic in an area that is really tough for comics to make it big in. I won't waste any more space responding to these kind of shots because it can only come across as defensive. I'd just offer that I disagree.


That's it and that's all.

Sweethaven Bootleg Video

We snuck a camera into the 1st Sweethaven Show at Rififi. This Zapruda like footage captures some of the absurdity.

Specter on Spygate...How About Seattle Bruh!

Am I satisfied with the investigation...I said no, no, no.

Try to make me believe its over...I say no, no, no.

Sen A Specter from PA is not cool with how the NFL handled this whole thing. Know what? Neither am I. I'm just not stoked to go federal on this piece. The real issue here is that pro sports leagues, despite the big words and demonstrative speaches, have dwindling accountability. They are the only 'game' in town and that's how they behave. I think this is the larger issue here. Forget Spygate (actually don't. I couldn't believe how easy the despicable Pats got off. And it's not just the video stuff; they thumb their noses at league rules and no one says squat).

If it takes the federal government to bring some accountability to pro sports, then I guess it has to happen. To me, this whole Spygate thing is way down the list of important things. What is happening in Seattle, with a criminal group of billionaires robbing the city of a team is a far more critical issue. That's where Congress should be stepping in. Interstate commerce and such. Another place I'd like to see some action is that if a team, as judged by an independent commission (I'd be on it with some other people) went 4 straight years without really trying to get better or made more than 2 indefensible trades, the franchise would immediately go to someone else with the owner not being allowed to profit.

Now listen, no one loves justice for scumbags more than I do. I'm a huge fan of Roger Clemens getting taken to the woodshed, of Barry Bonds going to jail, and of the Pats losing in the Super Bowl and the Eagles never winning one (zinger). It just sucks that it takes Congressional hearings for us to get some sense of accountability from sports leagues that hold us hostage.

Bonds and Balboa

Here's what I got:

Barry Bonds' indictment was refined today. Not sure why this is news exactly. Basically, the original indictment wasn't clear and the grand jury today made it more clear...clearly.

Here's a link to the actual indictment. I only link to it because I've never actually seen an indictment. My contention is that the indictment is the most underrated part of the criminal process.

Everybody knows about the trial. People are familiar with the sentencing; that carries a lot of weight. Arraignments are popular; like 'so and so was arraigned'...his wife was a sh*t show at the arraignment. The arraignment is cool because it's basically the legal equivalent of: 'Here's why I'm pissed at you...so what do you think'.

The indictment is a little different. To me, it carries a little more punch. Listen bruh, a bunch of us got together, we shared some stuff with this judge and then this group of people over here...and we're pretty sure we're taking you to the woodshed...legally.

In other news, I watched Rocky Balboa today. It was really bad. Breaks my heart. It really does. I love Rocky I-IV. Love. I will watch 3 or 4 to the end if they come on tv. Always. Everytime. It just kills me that this is allowed to happen. Stop. Seriously. I watched because it exists...but I'm still a bit annoyed. One side note, the dude from Heroes (you should see him pictured right behind Rocky) that has tons of powers is in this movie. That's it. I like Heroes.

This brings me to another thing. Indiana Jones. I'm going to see it because Indiana Jones is awesome. Is the new one going to make me irritated? I hope not. I also wish, sincerely, that it was never made. The original 3 kick so much arse that I wish there was no chance that this new one could stink. Frustrating.

Sweethaven on Sunday

Biggest premier comedy show in the history of comedy shows. This Sunday, Mother's Day, minds will be blown.

Doors open 7:30

Admission $5

Be there.

Soundwave is Back!!!!

Video #2, produced by my boy Gabe Uhr is online. Giddyup:





I'm in a dark place...

Messed Up In Mexico

I'm back. Wow. What an absurd week down in Cancun with 98Rock. I had a phenomenal time. Thanks to everyone at 98 Rock who made it possible. It was great to hang out with the on air people as well as the behind the scenes folks that really make everything go. Great bunch of people and it was a joy to be a part.

I don't have enough energy just yet to write about everything that happened. Here is the basic summary of my day while I was down at Dreams Cancun Resort and Spa.

5 AM- Wake up, walk downstairs to the broadcast cabana for the morning show with Mickey, Amelia, and Spiegel.

9 AM - Go eat breakfast at the buffet.

10 AM - try to take a nap.

12 PM- Stop at the cabana and do a couple of breaks with Sarah (the hottest 55 year old woman of all time. Seriously.)

1:00 PM - Sneak down to the beach and relax

1:30 PM - Meet for lunch with the Theo & Joe to prep for the night show.

3 PM - start the night show broadcast

8 PM- finish our last break, go back up to the room and shower the day of filth of myself.

8:45 PM -Go grab some dinner, a bit of booze, and hang out with the 98 Rock folks and some listeners.

11 PM - Return to the room and crash.

Repeat.

98 Rock has podcasted a ton of the stuff we did down there in case you missed it the first time. Some great stuff is online at: http://www.98online.com/pages/music_podcasting_view.aspx?channel_id=126

Lots to choose from.

Thanks again to 98 Rock and Rob Maher for making an incredible week possible.

Cancun with 98 Rock

Next week, you can hear my amazing speaking voice on 98 rock. We'll be broadcasting from an astounding resort in Cancun. I am so lucky to be able to go on this trip. I have a great time whenever I go and hang out at 98 Rock and to be able to go on a once in a lifetime trip like this is truly phenomenal. It's going to be a blast. How do I know it will? It will be a blast because 'the work' is being on the radio. That's something I do for fun.

I can't wait. Check us out all week long.

Life Expectancy of the Ladies

This story from the Washington Post:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/04/21/AR2008042102406.html?hpid=topnews

Interesting stuff. It basically says that the life expectancy for women in 1000 or so counties around the US, has gone down for the first time in 100 years. In 1918, there was a tough case with the Spanish Influenza. La influenza del Espana pretty much took American women (and everyone else) to the woodshed. The death rate was so high that it lowered the average age where people died. This would not be the last evil thing to come from Spain. It was shortly thereafter that a thing called 'tapas' came to the US and once again targeted women.

This bizarre concept of communal food sharing continues to plague our society to this day. If you are not familiar with this bizarre epidemic, read on. Chicks go to a restaurant on purpose where portions are small and overpriced. They then order several dishes and pass them around. Because the dishes are small, chicks do not feel like piggies when they clean all the plates. No one can be sure of how much each girl ate so there is less judgement. If Michelle ordered a normal portion of food at a restaurant, cleaned her plate, she'd be thought of as a fatty mcfattersons. At tapas, Michelle can blend in along with Mary Margaret, Jen, Sarah, Sara, Sierra and also Sarah B (that's what we call her because there are like so many Sarahs!). It doesn't end here. They also order expensive drinks like sangria and are always a little shocked when the bill comes. "Can we split this up equally on the 6 different cards?"

Worse yet, men are often dragged into the equation. There are 2 kinds of men in the world. Tapas dudes (metro-sexuals, guys who believe that it's cool to eat tapas and they want to be cool so they do it - these are the same guys that wear blazers to bars and take their game with ladies very seriously, homosexuals, brow-beaten boyfriends who can either go or get in an argument,
and guys that don't know what tapas is only to be stunned at the process and vow never to come back) and non tapas dudes. What will often occur is as follows:

-Men will decide on tight dishes (steak, chicken, seafood, potato...other hearty fare etc.)
-Chicks decide on untight dishes (kelp, seaweed, chick peas, sprouts, tofu, beets, cabbage, broccoli, radish, kale, squash, zucchini, okra, lentils, leek, shallots, artichoke, parsnip, skirret, turnip, parsnip, yacon, eggplant, soybean, fennel, celery, jicama...etc.)
-Food arrives. Dudes have no interest in untight dishes and seek to get full off of the limited portions of tight food.
-Chicks assume that everyone wants to share everything (deep down, they know...they have to know. Really? You thought I'd take a portion of the beet salad and the kale with shallots instead of the steak and mashed potatoes? Sure you did.). Dudes are forced to eat less tightness and try to eat the fish food. Chicks are happy because they didn't order 'fatty' things but got to eat them anyway. Dudes are miserable because they are still hungry, or the alternative is they have to order more food and are now into the restaurant for $100 because everyone should pay the same amount for that extra bottle of wine when you only had 1 beer.
-Dudes don't say anything because seggs is likely to follow.
-Chicks think this was a great outing

I know you see the correlation. You have to. Women are dying because of tapas....what's that? It's not...it's obesity?...No I know that but I was....no you're right....no I know it's not responsible reporting...I'm not actually a rep....no...OK...so it's smoking and fat people in rural areas that don't exercise?...So they needed a study to tell you that it's bad for you to...yeah I know...wow...get the peace prize ready...no that was a a joke...what do you mean you expect better from a comic?...real nice thing to say...yeah whatever....see you Christmas.

Don't do drugs or tapas.

Google and Me Are In a Fight

I have google ad sense. It's a pretty cool idea. What isn't cool sometimes is that GAS will toss up some things that are in direct contradiction to things that are good.

I'll give you an example. I hate clinton, hillary as much as I've ever hated someone I have never met. I am literally moved to anger every time I see that phony, 2 faced, panderer on tv. I clicked on my blog yesterday and there, at the top of the screen, was an ad to help clinton, hillary get elected president.

Really GAS? I know it's keyword driven but good heavens. I post something once every couple weeks about how terrible, slimy, untruthful and disastrous I think she is. I bet there will be another ad based on this post. Ugh. Maybe I can influence the ad? We'll see. Top of my head:

-Whitewater
-1st time a 1st lady subpoenaed/subject of criminal investigation
-Castle Grande real estate scam
-Evading prosecution by not being able to find documents for her days at Rose Law Firm for over 2 years until they were located by an intern in a White House office
-Her astounding conduct of having Bill release the extremist FALN terrorists that bombed a police precinct in New York. They were granted a pardon despite not asking for one so that clinton, hillary could carry favor with the latino vote in her upcoming New York senate campaign.
-The extraordinary #s of associates pleading guilty, refusing to testify, or fleeing the country
-plea agreement for illegal campaign finance
-Health Care policy failure
-Lying about being under fire in Bosnia
-Overstating her role in foreign policy events and taking credit for things that happened while she was alive

That was top of my head. I'm not doing any research. I shouldn't have to. So, let's go GAS! Me and you bruh!

Friday Late Show

That's the answer that Steve Martin gave when he was asked why he left standup. I felt like leaving standup this past Friday night around 1:30 AM.

Now, I had a great time at the Baltimore Comedy Factory this past weekend. Thanks to Mickey Cucchiella and Joe Robinson. Thursday night was good and the 1st 2 shows on Friday night were awesome. I got a miniature standing O (3 people) after my set on show 2. It was a blast. Then the late show happened. Ugh. Outstanding young comic (Peabo) Bryson Turner opened the show to awkward chatter, disinterest, and drunken stares. Nothing he could have done. These people were not going to give in.

I went up determined to do something to win them over. One of my weaknesses in comedy is when I don't feel energy from the audience, I lower my energy. I mail it in. I can feel myself doing it and it pisses me off like nothing else. It's a defense mechanism that someone ho is afraid to fail uses to not feel so bad about himself when he eats it. You can blame the crowd all you want but they paid. They don't have to do anything...and these people took advantage of that right. A group of people were talking the entire time, most just stared with a glassy eyed drunkeness that reminded me of walking through an opium den in Instanbul.

So what did I do? I lowered my commitment. I made cracks on the side about how annoying they were about not laughing at stuff. This is such BS. I hate it when comics do this and I hate it when I do it. It's this lame attempt to shift the blame. 'This is funny. It's your fault'. In sports, if you give everything you have and lose, you just got beat. If you don't do everything you can, get yourself into trouble, then blame the ref when something doesn't go your way, you're a b*tch. Well, I was a b*tch on Friday night. Was the crowd tough? Of course. Could I have done my material to the best of my ability and still bombed? Yup. Did I do a half-a$$ job then piss and moan for 20 minutes about how the crowd sucked? Sure did.

Still, that Friday late show was a challenge. It would have broken the spirit of a lot of people. It broke me and I am still ticked. In fact, my set the next night at the Hyatt was only so so as it was still in my head.

Back on the horse tonight tho. Come see me this Saturday at Comix. I'm doing the New Jacks Show. It's a good one that humans can enjoy.

Another Case Against Hillary

In my never ending quest to make sure that Hillary Clinton does not have any chance to win the presidency of the United States, here is yet another example of the horrendous character of this lying witch. Please note that you don't have to dig too hard to find countless other examples. Read and be informed.

The Tall Tale of TuzlaHillary Clinton's Bosnian misadventure should disqualify her from the presidency, but the airport landing is the least of it.

By Christopher Hitchens

The punishment visited on Sen. Hillary Clinton for her flagrant, hysterical, repetitive, pathological lying about her visit to Bosnia should be much heavier than it has yet been and should be exacted for much more than just the lying itself. There are two kinds of deliberate and premeditated deceit, commonly known as suggestio falsi and suppressio veri. (Neither of them is covered by the additionally lying claim of having "misspoken.") The first involves what seems to be most obvious in the present case: the putting forward of a bogus or misleading account of events. But the second, and often the more serious, means that the liar in question has also attempted to bury or to obscure something that actually is true. Let us examine how Sen. Clinton has managed to commit both of these offenses to veracity and decency and how in doing so she has rivaled, if not indeed surpassed, the disbarred and perjured hack who is her husband and tutor.

I remember disembarking at the Sarajevo airport in the summer of 1992 after an agonizing flight on a U.N. relief plane that had had to "corkscrew" its downward approach in order to avoid Serbian flak and ground fire. As I hunched over to scuttle the distance to the terminal, a mortar shell fell as close to me as I ever want any mortar shell to fall. The vicious noise it made is with me still. And so is the shock I felt at seeing a civilized and multicultural European city bombarded round the clock by an ethno-religious militia under the command of fascistic barbarians. I didn't like the Clinton candidacy even then, but I have to report that many Bosnians were enthused by Bill Clinton's pledge, during that ghastly summer, to abandon the hypocritical and sordid neutrality of the George H.W. Bush/James Baker regime and to come to the defense of the victims of ethnic cleansing.

I am recalling these two things for a reason. First, and even though I admit that I did once later misidentify a building in Sarajevo from a set of photographs, I can tell you for an absolute certainty that it would be quite impossible to imagine that one had undergone that experience at the airport if one actually had not. Yet Sen. Clinton, given repeated chances to modify her absurd claim to have operated under fire while in the company of her then-16-year-old daughter and a USO entertainment troupe, kept up a stone-faced and self-loving insistence that, yes, she had exposed herself to sniper fire in the cause of gaining moral credit and, perhaps to be banked for the future, national-security "experience." This must mean either a) that she lies without conscience or reflection; or b) that she is subject to fantasies of an illusory past; or c) both of the above. Any of the foregoing would constitute a disqualification for the presidency of the United States.

Yet this is only to underline the YouTube version of events and the farcical or stupid or Howard Wolfson (take your pick) aspects of the story. But here is the historical rather than personal aspect, which is what you should keep your eye on. Note the date of Sen. Clinton's visit to Tuzla. She went there in March 1996. By that time, the critical and tragic phase of the Bosnia war was effectively over, as was the greater part of her husband's first term. What had happened in the interim? In particular, what had happened to the 1992 promise, four years earlier, that genocide in Bosnia would be opposed by a Clinton administration?

In the event, President Bill Clinton had not found it convenient to keep this promise. Let me quote from Sally Bedell Smith's admirable book on the happy couple, For Love of Politics:

Taking the advice of Al Gore and National Security Advisor Tony Lake, Bill agreed to a proposal to bomb Serbian military positions while helping the Muslims acquire weapons to defend themselves—the fulfillment of a pledge he had made during the 1992 campaign. But instead of pushing European leaders, he directed Secretary of State Warren Christopher merely to consult with them. When they balked at the plan, Bill quickly retreated, creating a "perception of drift." The key factor in Bill's policy reversal was Hillary, who was said to have "deep misgivings" and viewed the situation as "a Vietnam that would compromise health-care reform." The United States took no further action in Bosnia, and the "ethnic cleansing" by the Serbs was to continue for four more years, resulting in the deaths of more than 250,000 people.

I can personally witness to the truth of this, too. I can remember, first, one of the Clintons' closest personal advisers—Sidney Blumenthal—referring with acid contempt to Warren Christopher as "a blend of Pontius Pilate with Ichabod Crane." I can remember, second, a meeting with Clinton's then-Secretary of Defense Les Aspin at the British Embassy. When I challenged him on the sellout of the Bosnians, he drew me aside and told me that he had asked the White House for permission to land his own plane at Sarajevo airport, if only as a gesture of reassurance that the United States had not forgotten its commitments. The response from the happy couple was unambiguous: He was to do no such thing, lest it distract attention from the first lady's health care "initiative."

It's hardly necessary for me to point out that the United States did not receive national health care in return for its acquiescence in the murder of tens of thousands of European civilians. But perhaps that is the least of it. Were I to be asked if Sen. Clinton has ever lost any sleep over those heaps of casualties, I have the distinct feeling that I could guess the answer. She has no tears for anyone but herself. In the end, and over her strenuous objections, the United States and its allies did rescue our honor and did put an end to Slobodan Milosevic and his state-supported terrorism. Yet instead of preserving a polite reticence about this, or at least an appropriate reserve, Sen. Clinton now has the obscene urge to claim the raped and slaughtered people of Bosnia as if their misery and death were somehow to be credited to her account! Words begin to fail one at this point. Is there no such thing as shame? Is there no decency at last? Let the memory of the truth, and the exposure of the lie, at least make us resolve that no Clinton ever sees the inside of the White House again.

Story Link: http://www.slate.com/id/2187780/pagenum/all/#page_start

Legos and Some Useful Software

Hey readers,

A couple things for your perusal. 1st, a buddy of mine living in San Fran has launched a really cool piece of software available through the interwebs. It's free and really useful. As I understand it, you can select data and a region of the world and that produces a real time, 3D, video of the data. Pretty awesome. Check out the website:

http://www.uuorld.com/

This may go down as the single biggest waste of time in human history. I cannot even fathom how long and difficult this must have been to create. My mind is boggled:



Shot for shot people.

Come see me at the Baltimore Comedy Factory on Thursday and Friday. Then, come and see me at the Bethesda Hyatt on Saturday night.

Bye.

New York Is Awesome

Here's why:

I went to a show on Saturday night. It's called 'The Drink at Work Show'. It's run by some cool people. It's at the downstairs lounge at Comix, which is a pretty cool club. Anyway, after a couple funny comics went up, the host said the following:

"OK, this next guy...well...you have literally seen him everywhere. He's been on Comedy Central, a bunch of movies, he had a show...you know what? He's just super awesome...please welcome Jim Gaffigan!"

Jim Gaffigan. In a room that holds 27 people, Jim Gaffigan rolled in and did new material. First off, if you don't know of this man, it's irresponsible. He has to be mentioned in any conversation about best comics today as well as best of all time. He was working on some new stuff. It was funnier than your new stuff. Not an insult.

At the end of the show, this group, closed it out. Huge treat for yours truly as I was a fan of them before I moved up here.

The more I'm here, the more it feels like I am in the right place.

Shooting yaeger with Yaweh...

I Talked To Larry Poon!...and Some Shows

Check out an interview with me on the really cool DC Comedy 4 Now blog. This is a great thing that some of the best young comics in the DC area have put together as a kind of online hub for the scene in the DC area. They do a great job and they have lots of contributors who are good people.

The interview with me is about some of the differences between the scenes in DC and New York.

So check it. It's good.

http://dccomedy4now.blogspot.com/

Speaking of New York, I've got some shows coming up here. Here they are:

Saturday the 22nd at 6:00 PM, I'm on the show at Ochi's Lounge which is located at Comix here in New York. It's free and an awesome show with some of the coolest young comics in the world. you should come.

Thursday the 27th at 9:00 PM, I'm at Broadway Comedy Club. There is a cool mix on this show of little people like me and big people who are always on things like: 'tv' and 'comedy stages'. You should come to that. Let me know if you plan to. The link above is to the schedule.

Friday the 28th at 6:30 PM, I'm at Gotham Comedy Club. This is another 'new talent' show. I'm a new talent. Well, I'm new to them anyway. Again, let me know if you are going.

I have more stuff after that but it would just sound like bragging right now.

Holler

NFL Free Agency Cinema

Every year, the NFL shuffles the deck and teams get new cards. In this eternal poker game, we all know that each team will again ask for new cards after the season ends. This, my friends, is a metaphor. 4.5 years of college in all your mouthpieces.

Now, some simile action. NFL free agent signings as movies. NFC today, AFC...later.

Giddyup,

Arizona Cardinals: Travis Laboy, Jerame Truman.
Movie: Drillbit Taylor. These signings are sure to snap the Cardinals out of that pesky funk that has only lasted...since I was alive. Paging Neil Lomax...Now I like Owen Wilson, he made Bottle Rocket. I will just say that this doesn't look the flick you need to get involved in coming off a depression/self check out period.

Atlanta Falcons: Erik Coleman, Simon Fraser, Ben Hartsock, Von Hutchins, Rashad Moore, Kindal Moorehead, Chris Redman, Michael Turner
Movie: 'The Hottie and the Nottie'. Paris Hilton is a name. Michael Turner is a name. Doesn't mean I would pay $ to see either. Thanks Mr. Petrino!

Carolina Panthers: Muhsin Muhammad, LaBrandon Toefield, Keydrick Vincent, Landon Johnson, Ricardo Colclough
Movie: 'You Got Served'. Picture this: the entire Carolina Panthers roster, staff, and ownership shows up to a mall parking lot in Tampa. No one else is there to great them. They all look around with confusion until Jake Delhomme finally pipes up: 'I thought we were gonna serve those guys?....Man, f&%# John Gruden!'

Chicago Bears: Marty Booker, Brandon Lloyd.
Movie: 'Epic Movie'. You want to know why those 'movie parody movies' get made? Because someone out there goes to see them. You want to know why underproducing wide receivers get signed every year and then teams are surprised when their knew player quits on them when he gets yelled at for being the most selfish person alive ever? I can't answer that but I hate Brandon Lloyd like I hate bad cheese.

Dallas Cowboys: Zach Thomas
Movie: 'No Country for Old Men'. Get it? Zach Thomas is old! Ha! But seriously, awesome flick for the 1st hour and a half (8 years) but the ending was confused (concussed) and unfulfilling (no playoff wins in 13 years.) Best picture my a$.

Detroit Lions: Dwight Smith, Brian Kelly, Michael Gaines
Movie: 'Police Academy: Mission to Moscow'. You knew it would suck right? You didn't go see a Police Academy in the theater after 3 right? You learned your lesson right? Right!?!?!?

Green Bay Packers:
Movie: 'Semi-Pro'. Has anyone seen Will Ferrell promoting this movie? 2 weeks ago, he was on ESPN, Comedy Central and NBC at the exact same time. BTW, has anyone written anything about Brett Favre's retirement?

Minnesota Vikings: Madieu Williams, Bernard Berrian, Maurice Hicks Thomas Tapeh
Movie: 'Back to the Future Part II'. If we get a lanky receiver and a mobile QB it will produce the same magic. Guaranteed. It's a lock. What's that? Fans of the 1st version don't acknowledge the 2nd? Whoops.

New Orleans Saints: Dan Morgan, Randall Gay, Bobby McCray
Movie: 'Vantage Point'. There are stars, it's a great concept, but you know it won't be as good as advertised. You get a corner off a great team, a great DE, and you upgrade your LB. Anyone think the Saints will have a great D?

New York Giants: Sammy Knight
Movie: 'Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest'. We got the whole gang back together. This one can't miss. See you at 9-7 in the Super Bowl Hangover year.

Philadelphia Eagles: Asante Samuel, Chris Clemens
Movie: 'The Truman Show'. For a while, it cost $20 million to get Jim Carey. The thing is, he wasn't happy doing what earned him the right to get $20 million. He wanted to do other things. Samuels hated that whole 'winning all the time thing'. Sign me up!

San Francisco 49ers: J.T. O'Sullivan, Allen Rossum, Justin Smith, Isaac Sopoaga, Dontarrious Thomas, Deshaun Foster, Isaac Bruce
Movie: 'The Other Boleyn Girl'. Listen, this flick has 2 girls who will be in my perennial top 5 until I expire. There is no chance I see this movie. I would love to have Justin Smith. See where I'm going?

Seattle Seahawks: TJ Duckett, Julius Jones, Jeb Putzier, Mike Wahle
Movie: 'Godfather II'. Michael has to deal with Connie. So too must the Seahawks deal with Sean Alexander. The women must be protected even to the detriment of the family. Get the reference? It's because he falls down and ruins fantasy teams. I hate you Connie Alexander.

St. Louis: Josh Brown, Anthony Becht, Jacob Bell
Movie: 'College Road Trip'. Having Martin Lawrence, who made a name for himself as a filthy comic on Def Jam, starring in Family Comedies makes as much sense as being the 2nd worst team in the NFL bringing in 0 help.

Tampa Bay: Jeff Faine, John Gilmore, Leon Joe, Teddy Lehman, Matt McCoy, Ben Troupe, Jimmy Wilkerson
Movie: 'Funny Games'. A really cool premise but we're missing maybe one more star aren't we? The 9-7 team that should have beaten the Giants is standing pat and bringing in some role players. Nice idea except that their key guys are 87 years old or they are underachieving injury prone young guys. For the record, Naomi Watts is not injury prone.

Washington Redskins:
Movie: 'Zombie Nation'. Why? 2-fold. Fold 1: They brought in nobody, it's like a graveyard. Fold 2: Zombie Nation is rated the #1 worst movie of all time on imdb.com. This heavily flawed team with the worst owner in pro sports re-signed 3 of their own guys. New coach Jim Zorn might be a zombie. No one knows.

Tune in for more later.

Ryan Conner Update

Hey peeps. Ryan Conner has an update on the situation with his brother. It seems like things are looking up a bit. You can read about it here: http://www.ryanconnercomedy.com/blogger.html

It basically seems that there is some due process here after all so we may just see some good happen yet. Thanks so much to those of you that I know who have reached out to media outlets. The most recent update here is that Ryan and his family, at the advice of their attorney, have asked that they stay away from media attention until after Monday when the case worker will rule on Ryan's brother's case. The reasoning is that there is no need to agitate the person who is in a position to do the right thing. If that, for some reason, doesn't go well, I think we'll all welcome a 3 ring media circus.

I know Ryan appreciates all the support. I'll keep you all posted.

Now to something that made me smile:



Obi-kenobi! I love it.

Please Help

Friends, this is a re-post of a really important and urgent story from my good friend Ryan Conner. Please take the time to read it. I would urge anyone who thinks they can help to take action. I wrote a note to my Congressman in Virginia (Jim Moran) and plan on calling today. A beloved member of Ryan's family's life is at stake.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Please Help My Brother

I was minutes away from writing a blog of funny observations, until I just received a distressed call from my mom. Instead, I'll be writing about something that is important.
It is very important to pay attention to what our government does. Many are apathetic, which is appalling, as its actions have consequences for all of us. Many who aren't apathetic only read the headlines. It is to those people that politicians use buzz-words and propaganda, namely fear-mongering, to get their vote.
Several issues of the day I find absolutely offensive. Because if everyone would just think through them, instead of acting on instinct, out of fear, then they would not be issues at all. These are all humanist issues, such as health care and immigration.
Let me just say that I've had at least nine friends serve in Iraq. One was killed. What happened this morning offends me much more. The pandering to a political base has hurt my family deeply, and possibly gravely.

Before I get into details, allow me to state that I'm not blaming this issue on the president himself. He cares deeply about the issue. The problem is that he seems to be the only person in his administration who has a conscience on this matter. And his isn't strong enough to speak out against the position of his party during an election year, when pandering equals votes.

I have 11 brothers. My parents are very compassionate people. They adopted four of my brothers at the same time, three and a half years ago. Their plan was to adopt a girl, but they saw four siblings, the sons of a drug-addict and prostitute, who were scared that they would be split up. My parents couldn't accept that. On the spot, they said they wanted to adopt all four. They didn't think about how they would raise another four kids at their ages. They only thought about how they could save these kids' lives. They have succeeded in doing so.
I have one biological brother, two step, and one half. I'm not going to talk about them here. Just wanted to straighten out the math for you. Here is a picture of all but one of us.


My other three brothers are Asian, as you can see from the picture. The shortest and lightest is Phong. He was a Vietnamese immigrant. He grew up in Saigon in a well-to-do family. When given the opportunity to immigrate, he came to the United States, while his mother went to Belgium. The other short Vietnamese brother is Ut. His story is very long, heart-wrenching and inspiring. I'll abbreviate, because this isn't about him. He lived in absolute poverty, in a village on the east coast of Vietnam. When he was 10-12, his mother paid a man to take he and his brother and sister to a refugee camp in Thailand. They were captured soon-after by the Viet-Cong. Facing execution, my brother escaped and navigated the Vietnamese jungle, by himself, bare-foot, until he arrived in Thailand and was directed to a refugee camp. Two years later, my family would welcome him as one of us. That was February 2, 1988. Now, 20 years later, he's an American citizen, an owner of a small, prospering business, and is proof that the United States is a great country.
Phong and Ut were introduced to my family through a great organization called Catholic Charities. Through the same organization, my parents also sponsored four entire Vietnamese families in their immigration to our country. This involved the families living with us, usually for a couple months each, until the kids were in school, the adults had jobs, and they could find a house of their own. We would continue to spend time with them over the years. One of the families had four kids. Two were 5-year-old twins, Thai-An and Than-An. The older siblings graduated from Virginia Tech. One is a mechanical engineer. The other works in biotechnology, I believe. Thai-An and Than-An were high-school valedictorians, and are now attending UVA on academic scholarships. If they didn't come here, they would have lived out their lives in thatch huts. Once again, proof that we live in a great country.
The taller Asian brother in the picture is Dong. He is Chinese. I've never been asked the question, but if someone was to say, "Who are your heroes or role-models?" I would have to respond that they are Ut and Dong. What my parents have done in changing so many lives is admirable, but I see it as doing what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to look out for other people. I don't see it as extraordinary, only right. Everyone should do it. Ut and Dong have overcome long odds, and have accomplished things that are absolutely awe-inspiring.
During the summer of 1994, Catholic Charities rang again, saying they had three Chinese refugees who didn't have a home. My parents offered to take care of all three until homes were found for two, and to take care of one unconditionally. Dong was the one who stayed. And I'm glad. I couldn't have asked for a better brother.
The only problem with Dong's immigration was that it was illegal. He was only 15-years-old, and didn't know it was illegal. His family was lied to by a Chinese human-smuggling mafia, called The Snake-Heads. Nevertheless, he was deemed a criminal. A child criminal who made no illegal decisions himself.
Illegal immigrants come across our borders from Latin American countries every day. Sometimes they are deported. And sometimes they return. That's because although they live in impoverished countries, at least their countries are free. Their countries do not punish them for wishing to lead a better life. This is an aside, but instead of building a fence, why don't we use that money to help bolster the Mexican economy to make their country a place that everyone doesn't want to leave?
Although the US government treats all illegal immigrants the same, they are not the same. Mexicans swim the Rio Grande. If they make it, they get whatever job they can find, and they are able to provide for their families. Immigrating from China isn't as simple. The Snake-Heads offer to send people to the US legally, offering all the necessary paperwork. It's only $20,000 USD, which is a small fortune in China. Dong's Chinese parents desperately wanted him to live a life free of Chinese communist oppression. They wanted him to have basic human rights. So they sent him to the US, after a down-payment of $10,000. The only problem was the astronomical interest rate on the remaining balance.
Dong and I shared a room and were in the same grade. When he arrived, he spoke less than 10 words of English, but read a few more words. He didn't find it acceptable to not be able to read English, considering that school would be starting up in two months. So, he borrowed a John Steinbeck novel from me, either Of Mice and Men or The Pearl. I don't remember which one. And he sat there for hours each day, Steinbeck in one hand, and an English-Chinese dictionary in the other, until he finished the book in time for school. I have never seen anyone show so much dedication to bettering themselves. I wish it inspired me as much then as it does now.
Dong was in ESL classes, except for math and health/p.e.. He was only 15, but knew calculus. They don't offer higher math in ESL. He got straight As. He read every day. He did whatever he could do to better himself.
During this entire year, he was dealing with INS (Immigration and Naturalization Services, now ICE), trying to sort out his immigration status. The sad part is that had he come from a different oppressive regime, he would have been granted political asylum immediately. However, due to our trade with China, we will not grant political asylum to Chinese immigrants.
During the summer of 1995, Dong was notified that his parents had fallen behind on the payments, due to the interest. The Snake-Heads gave him an ultimatum. Come work for them, or his entire family in China would be murdered. Sounds illegal, right? There is no prosecution of the Snake-Heads in China. And conveniently, none in the US either. He had no choice but to work for them to pay off his debt. With the same calm that he has demonstrated through every step of his naturalization, he left to work for the Snake-Heads in The Bronx. For the next three years, his lawyer would continue to work for his Green Card, while he was a slave in NYC. My family could do nothing but sit back and wait.
I talked to him almost every week that he worked in the Bronx. Along with about 12 other people in the same position, Dong worked in Chinese restaurant for 18 hours each day, 364 days a year. He had New Year's Day off. They slept in a studio apartment above the restaurant. The apartment was dead-bolted from the outside so that no one could escape. Dong would find time to sneak away to a pay-phone at night to call my parents and I. He always sounded like he was in good spirits. Even when he got robbed at gunpoint, which happened multiple times, once just after getting off the phone with me. The first year, he even sent me a birthday card from his slave quarters. I still have it.
After three years, his debt was paid off, however he was still kept as a slave, unable to leave. When he was assured that his family in China was safe, he planned an escape. He called my parents around 8pm, and asked them to pick him up in Times Square at 1AM. I guess he figured that if he held a camera, he would fit in in Times Square and the Snake-Heads wouldn't find him.
Upon returning to Northern Virginia, he immediately got his G.E.D. While his naturalization case continued, he went to college. Unable to acquire loans because of his status, he paid for it out of his pocket. He excelled and got every networking certification imaginable, including the top Cisco certification, which at the time would have landed him a starting salary around 125K. However, due to his immigration status, he wasn't able to get that job. Unabated, he continued to study everything about networking. He studied for hours every day, preparing for when he could actually use his skills. I didn't even understand the titles of some of the books, and I was studying Computer Science at George Mason at the time, albeit only for a semester.
In 2002, due to the immigration crackdowns after 9/11, a deportation order was issued. He had not committed a crime. The Snake-Heads committed the crime, however were not prosecuted. He paid taxes. Got an education. He wanted to be an American, but was denied.
His lawyer filed an appeal. As the appeals process started, our Congressman, Tom Davis, pushed for and successfully got a Green Card for another constituent in the exact same position. My mom and Dong wrote to him. His reply stated that he had already done it for one person and that should be enough.
I haven't yet stated the importance of Dong not being deported. This is the issue. If he is sent back to China, he will be obtained, tortured and executed for treason. That's why this is so important. My brother did nothing wrong and is facing a possible execution if the US government, to whom he has paid taxes for years, doesn't stand up for him.
After being rejected by Tom Davis, my mom wrote to a Congressman who had been a family friend for about 40 years. This guy, Virgil Goode, used to be a good person. Now, if you Google him, you'll see that he's probably the most hate-filled, intolerant member of Congress. Another Congressman, Mark Kennedy, from Minnesota, tried to help. He was a great guy, but was unable to do anything because Dong wasn't his constituent. He said Davis had to be the one to do it. He even talked to Davis, but Davis refused. So, Mark Kennedy:1, Davis:0, Goode:0.
With no Congressional help, it was time for Dong's case to go to trial. On the morning before the trial, his lawyer was murdered. His body was later found in Rock Creek Park. The Snake-Heads did it, but the case was marked as "unsolved." The trial was delayed.
The appeal had been processing for years. Everything looked great when President Bush presented his immigration reform proposal. It would have provided Dong with a Green Card, which would spare his life. However, the Republican establishment would have none of his proposal. It was dead on arrival.
Then McCain and Kennedy co-sponsored reform that would have done the same thing. It did not get passed either, due to receiving no Republican support in the Senate, other than Hagel, McCain, Specter, Lugar, and I think Olympia Snowe. Not enough to override a filibuster.
My family was devastated when this legislation didn't pass. But a few months ago, it seemed that it didn't matter. Dong was granted a worker's permit, which was sure to lead to a Green Card. I can't say that I was ever more excited than when I heard that news.
Now that the campaign is in full-swing, even McCain has turned his back on illegal immigrants. It is shocking. And with orders from the top, the Department of Homeland Security has begun to deport illegals at alarming rates, a sure election-year tactic. Dong seemed to be in the clear, because of his worker's permit.
My mom called this morning with different news. Dong was arrested at his house at 6AM by DHS officials, and taken into custody. He called my mom and told her not to worry about him. He insisted that everything would be fine. We all know what will happen if he's sent back to China. The US Government knows. Anyone who wants to know, knows. South Park did an episode about this. The information is out there, but ignored.
Not only was he taken into custody, but they won't tell him, or my family, where he'll be held, for how long, why, or anything. All they'll say is that his earlier deportation order trumps his work permit. My mom hasn't been able to speak to any DHS official, only voicemail. Dong wasn't able to speak to his lawyer directly. But the lawyer was given the order to do whatever he has to do.
The irony of this is that there are millions of American criminals in this country. There are countless Americans who hate the country. There are tens of millions of Americans who don't know how lucky they are to live here. They take it all for granted. There are also thousands of illegal immigrants who are criminals. Millions of illegal immigrants don't pay taxes. Dong was arrested this morning because he does everything by the book. That's how DHS knew where he was. He pays taxes. The government knows who he is and where he is, because he pays taxes. He never hid anything because he's trusted the government to do the right thing. Dong does everything a citizen should do, and he's been prosecuted, while the murderous Snake-Heads roam free.
This could have been prevented if the Republicans in Congress had followed President Bush's lead and passed immigration reform that was in the best interests of humanity. Instead, my brother, Sun Tao Dong, an example of what all Americans should strive to be, now faces a possible execution. We are a government that speaks out against political imprisonment, but are aiding and abetting to a political murder. All this because of politicians who would rather win the votes of intolerant ethnocentrists, than serve the better interests of all people.