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Below you will find the following elements: mirth, joy, humor, mockery, insinuation, sport, politics, comedy, rants, awkwardness, opinions, communacable disease, self-promotion, and lingo. Enjoy.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Super Bummed

Last night, when I rode the train home from the UCB Theater in NYC, I encountered a different situation. (as a side, I spell Theater...like that. They spell it 'Theatre'. That just doesn't look right to me. Thee-tree or The-ah-trey...That's what it looks like. Is it funny? Is that why? I don't get it. I'm not judging. Just saying. Ok, back to the topic)

I took the E train home from the 23rd street stop. The only reason I mention this is that sometimes, and it is ALWAYS a mystery to me as to when it happens, certain subway trains will mysteriously run on different lines, not run, skip stops, or generally make unexpected moves. You have to be on your toes. Usually, to get home from 23rd and 8th Ave, I take the 'A C E' to West 4th then change to the 'F V' and get out at 2nd Ave or Delancey street depending on my mood.

99.99999% of the time, if I did not transfer (as I forgot to do once a few weeks back), the 'A C E' will take you right down to the financial district or 'no where close to my apartment'. Well last night, as we approached the West 4th street station, the conductor came on and said 'hmhmh hmhmhmhmh, hmhmhm, vmvmhvmvhm...customers should....vmhmhvmmvvhvmuuuuummmmvhvhv 2nd avenue...once again...vhmvhvmhvhmvhmvhvhvmhvhmv...exit the train....'

It was at this point that I looked around, a bit concerned because I had no idea what dude said or what it meant for me. We pull into West 4th and most of the peeps get off the train. I say....screw it. Let's get ballsy. Let's see if this bad boy goes to 2nd Ave. I stay on. Know who else stayed on? 4 homeless dudes. All spread out on my car on the train. 4 homeless dudes and me. Fine. No problem. 1 dude, closest to me begins to mutter. No problem.

Another dude, head down occasionally twitching. No problem.

Twitchy Mcjitters wakes up and begins to mutter. No problem.

Then it gets weird. I'm suddenly aware that every one of these homeless dudes has a sandwich. I first hypothesize that they came from some kind of shelter where they give out sandos. I examine further and ever sandwich was different. They were all wrapped differently. One guy had chips even. All these homeless dudes, almost at the exact same moment, begin to eat sandwiches on a train that is not going to the place it normally goes. Weird.

The dude farthest down the car from me was really into his sandwich experience. He was dripping crumbs everywhere. The uppity side of me was a little annoyed because when you do that, it attracts rodents to the trains. The rest of me called that side me a douche and wanted to know what would happen next. Now, you have to picture this scene. Everything is surreal.

Dude goes: "MUTHA F*CKIN SANDWICH....MUTHA F*CKIN SANDWICH DELICOUS!"

I did one of those bursts of laughter things then quickly composed myself for fear of possible interaction. Luckily, the train that could be going anywhere, went to my stop and was breaking so he didn't hear me laugh at him.

Quick note: the homeless dudes just sat on the train after it stopped. The conductor and NYC transit folks kept saying: 'Last stop. Everyone needs to be off the train.' They didn't move. I wonder if they stay on the trains all night and just ride around? Maybe it's a warmth thing in te winter time? I won't claim to know. I do know that dude had a delicious sandwich.

Watch my show on Animal Planet! Friday night at 9:30.

Monday, January 28, 2008

An Idiot Walks Among Us....


Be afraid. Be very afraid. If you are a Redskins fan, you are now officially not allowed to be a fan of owner/dictator/poor decision maker snyder, dan. Please note that when I really dislike a sports figure associated with a team that I support, I always use the 'Last Name, First Name' description. Example: Gardner, Rod. Ugh.

When 'Private Jet' first took over the team, he made a big splash by signing aging free agents, firing coaches, hiring different coaches, firing them, then while searching for a new coach, secretly courting other coaches, purging teams of restricted free agents, trading draft picks like they were diseased hot potatoes, over-paying for suspect players, handing out bonuses like they were crackerjack prizes, promoting people that agreed with him, and generally ruining one of the greatest franchises is sports. Love them, hate them, not care about them, whatever you choose to do, you have no choice but to acknowledge the Redskins' place as one of the flagship franchises in the sporting world with a rabid and enormous fan base and a season ticket waiting list longer than a DMV line at 9AM on a Saturday when you didn't know that you can renew your license online.

For the last 4 years, Joe Gibbs took charge. Gibbs was not always successful. In fact, with the exception of 2 season ending win streaks, Gibbs' tenure was really mediocre; even below average. 2 playoff appearances in 4 years is eons better than what this team went through in the 13 years after his first departure. During this period, snyder, dan took a back seat. He asked: 'Joe, what do you need?'. Joe told him, and he went and got it. He was the kind of owner that any team would be lucky to have. How can you fault a guy like that? He was willing to spend and get what the guys leading the team wanted. It was as though snyder, dan had grown into his role.

Fool me once...good fooling. Fool me twice, I want to remove you from office and lock you in a room and have fans take turns airing their grievances against you for 3 weeks, or the same amount of time this coaching soap opera has gone on. Skins fans dread to read the sports section every day. Every piece of news is more shocking than the last. The 3 ringed circus of this coaching search has alienated the fan base, the players, and even the coaches that may or may not remain employed by the team in the coming year. Snyder, Dan has undertaken a secretive, cloak and dagger, and heartless approach to his search for the next coach of the Redskins.

The players and fans (overwhelmingly) wanted Gregg Williams to succeed Joe Gibbs. Joe Gibbs wanted this as did the majority of the other coaches. Nothing in Gregg Williams' coaching track record indicates that he is somehow a savior or super coach of some sort. The simple fact remains that he was, by all accounts, as instrumental as anyone within the organization in shepherding the team through the tragedy of Sean Taylor's death. He was there. The players rallied around his leadership and played inspired ball despite the loss of several players (not excluding the team's best player in Taylor). 3 weeks later, Williams, after 4 different all-day interviews, secretive dealings with high profile coaches (reports point to Pete Carroll today), and endless rumor, is now dismissed. He went from an instrumental figure, fan and player favorite, and favorite of Joe Gibbs to a 'disgraced' former employee. Whether he was the answer or not, his treatment was callous and pathetic.

So where are we now? snyder, dan is flying his private jet all over the country and is being spotted like he's Brad-Jelina. Every move is worse than the one before. The candidates pooping up now (Steve Mariucci, Jim Fassell, and Ron Meeks) are doomed before they start. Any chance they might have had to succeed have been stripped away. snyder, dan has proved that he is back with some sort of vengeance. In his mind, he tried it 'their way' where he stayed out of the way...well now it's time for Johnny Executive to step in and run every aspect again. Football men be damned! snyder, dan is handling this coaching search like he's trying to staff a Nokia store in Tyson's Corner.

So we say again, be afraid. If you are a fan of any other team, or more specifically a team that has to play the Redskins, congrats.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Super Happy Fun Explosion Time!

If you like joy and fun, you'll like this:



If you don't like joy and fun, you'll think that 10 minutes is too long...and we're also not friends.

Go and listen to the newest '20 Minutes on the Internet With Danny and Rory' podcast on my website. Further, listen to the others if you haven't already.

Since I'm feeling a bit bossy, watch my show on Friday nights on Animal Planet. The A-List airs every Friday night at 9:30. Don't be the 13457th person to tell me: 'I've been meaning to watch it but I haven't'. Really? You meant to? What's been stopping you? Is it the fact that you would rather be out on a Friday night? Fine, good point. Either way, I'm on tv and that's cool.

Last thought: I hate Hillary Clinton. I have a friend who volunteers on her campaign. I don't know if I'm upset about this, sad for him, angry at him, or what. I'm confused. I'm irritated and frustrated. Funny Danny note: No one has seen this guy in weeks. Is he embarrassed? I would be...I would be.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Healthcare '08

This is really cool. Re-phrase: it's not that cool. I mean, it's not like jean jacket leaning on a mustang in the mid 70s cool...but I think it's pretty cool...

Anyway, my girl Lucie's company put this interactive graph online. It maps out where all the candidates stand on Health Care and lets you plot your views against their's. It's very informative and telling. I guess I knew this before I started but filling out this graph basically confirmed that I am some kind of extremist zealot who should be living in the hills somewhere with a dog army and lots of rifles. It also confirms that I never could get elected to office. My views are too hard to enact.

Enjoy:

http://www.healthcentral.com/healthcare08/

Fun for the whole family!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

A Match Made In.....Hell



Two of my least favorite non-murderers in the world were upset on Sunday. jerry jones and terrell owens (both not capitalized on purpose) were in a sad state. Things in Dallas don't look like this right now. These two super-villains are celebrating Dallas' 12th consecutive year without a playoff win. Even my dysfunctional, gong show, no direction Redskins have playoff wins in that time frame. One could argue, the Skins have been among, if not the, worst NFL organization since we last won a Super Bowl in 1991. Yet, we've got more wins in the post-season than the evil cowpersons.

I hate the cowpersons. Now, most people, when asked objectively, superlatives aside, will back off and say that they really don't 'hate' teams. Not me. I really hate the cowpersons. Why back off?

Dictionary.com defines hate as: "to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest"

That covers it. When I walk around and see bandwagon punks with stars on their hats or jackets celebrating the years when they were good, I get irritated. That smells like a nice dose of hate to me. Is it healthy? No. They win games every year and it makes me angry every time they do. The payoff in the end has been great though. To see them lose in the playoffs the last 2 years on Romo miscues is like watching the Angels in Heaven sing backup for Def Lepard doing 'Rocket' while I'm sitting in a lawn chair drinking apple juice. At the show, it's me, my buddies Lubes, Attorney Jon, Hutto, and Lewis. We are all making funny comments. That's how good it is when they lose.

Look at this guy:

I mean look at him! Look at the plastic surgery. Look at the smarminess. Is that a word? Well whatever. Just look at it! This is a dude who played football at Arkansas then made millions kicking people out of their homes in the south/central US while drilling for oil. He made himself GM and then spent years undoing all the good he had done under Jim Johnson because he was an arrogant a$$. Nice Job choochbama. No playoff wins since he fired his former college teammate Barry Switzer. I love it.

Despite the fact they have tons of talent, they are not playing anymore. Good stuff there.







What's even better is that Terrell Owens, aka the worst dude in sports, is smack in the middle of all of this. There is no more talented player in the league now, or maybe ever, than TO. He is a physical specimen unlike anything the league has seen. Watching him warm up before a game is an incredible sight. He's huge. I mean like a towering super fast giant.



None of that matters. Singularly, the worst teammate in history. His giant sunglasses tearful rant in the Sunday post-game was laughable. What a fraud. I may have run my 3 other pro-bowl QBs under the bus...but I'm behind this guy. What a douche. Have a nice off-season. And by nice offseason, I mean I hate the cowpersons. My popcorn is ready a$$.

Monday, January 14, 2008

How Much Fun Is Too Much?

I feel like I'm bordering on it. I feel like I'm close to that line where it's like: 'whoa bruh, too much fun there bruh.'

What am I talking about? What are you talking about? I'll talk about whatever I want to talk about. You do not get to come onto this blog and be all 'what are you talkin 'bout?' Fine. Good. No, I want you to do that. Well good then. I know it's fine. That's what I'm saying.

What am I talking about? I added the jedi vs sith application onto my facebook page. Right now, I'm in a light saber battle with Mike Way. He challenged me, then kind of forgot about it. Mike, come back here so I might thrash you. Here are my current ratings:

Influence: 230

You get influence points for attacking people with the force. You get 3 points for every attack and you can only do 5 attacks per day.

Knowledge: 6416

You get 5 knowledge points for answering a Star Wars question correctly. You get -2 points for getting it wrong. The questions range in difficulty from things like:

'What color was Mace Windu's light saber?' (purple)

to

'What was produced on The Cloud City on Bespin?' (Tibanna Gas)

to

'What's the hardest thing for most of the people on this thing to do?' (talk to girls)

Please note the last question is not a real Star Wars question.

Strength: 15

You get 3 points for every light saber duel you win. You lose 1 point for losing. I am 5-0 so far. I just discovered this within the last week and have been doing it constantly. The battles are turn based so it takes a while to complete them. I have 5 battles currently ongoing. I'm in good shape on 4 of them (including against Mike Way. Yup. I said it.) and I have a puncher's chance in the other but it could go either way. I'd love to start out 10-0 but 9-1 ain't too shabbytown either.

The combat is really neat because you get to choose your light saber fighting style. You get more options based on your rank (determined through your knowledge). I am a Jedi Master which means I get more choices than the people with lesser ranks (jedi knight, padawan etc.). My preferred fighting style is Niman. This is a balanced approach that is equal in all the key parts (strength, defense, force, and agility). Of the other forms (Shii-Cho, Makashi, Soresu, Ataru, and Shien/Diem So), it's hard to pick a favorite. Yoda uses Ataru of course because he's small and he can tap into his limitless force energy.

Now, if you've read this far, you're pretty sure that I am a dork. You would be correct. I only ask that you allow me to enjoy the things I enjoy.

In other news, I was near tears when Justin Schlegel forwarded me some information about the upcoming (although long way off) Transformers 2 film. I won't be the guy who posts spoilers. Email me if you wish to know information. I will tell you that I have read this 13 page document 8 different times and gotten goose bumps on each occasion.

You will see the Transformer pictured to the right.

I am literally giddy at the possibility.




Here ends my dorkiest blog to date. Holler

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Happy New Year and Haircut Follow Up

Hope everyone had a safe and joyous new year's celebration. Well, 'hope' is too strong a word there. I 'hope' for a great meal or a tight apartment. I don't really hope anything for the person reading this right now. It's not that I'm one of those mean comics that's all defiant about 'not giving a sh*t!' Far from it. I'm just trying to be honest hear. It's a nice thing to say and it's polite but we all should know that it's a lie. Hoping is an active desire to see something come to pass. What we are basically saying when we say 'hope you had _____' is:

'I wasn't there. If you couldn't find a cab at the end of the night, I don't really want to hear about that. If you had fun, that's fine also. Not really looking for any story, anecdote, impression, or recounting of the event in question...really just looking to move forward and talk about where we go from here in our quaint albeit brief personal interaction.'

So there you go. Hope you liked that.


Received lots of notes re the haircut story from my last blog (read up if you haven't). I appreciate this. Just wanted to state that I'm not particularly upset by these events and I harbor no ill will towards anyone involved. A couple of people thought I was trying to make some sort of social commentary through the telling of the tale and please rest assured that I was not. Just thought it was a funny series of events where I was kind of awkward. That's how I tried to tell it. We all know I'm a terrible writer which, in cases like this, can sometimes lead to confusion. Sincere apologies if anyone was offended.

Further, a lot of people have called for some closer on the story. Did I actually get a haircut? By whom? I did in fact finish the job. I strolled into a 3rd place that was very Latino. You know that salsa beat that is in ever salsa song? That was on. The woman available to cut my hair did not speak any English. One thing you don't know about your blogging humorist is that he knows Spanish...at an 11th grade level minus 10 years of 'not using it'. I point to the top of my head and drop the 'corto alli por favor'...then I point to my sides and back and say: 'y, mas corto alli'.

My hair has never looked better.

Right towards the end of the haircut, she began pulling and touching my eyebrows. I realized she was asking me a question. I think she wanted to do something to my eyebrows. I'm not a 'do something to my eyebrows' kind of guy. I tried to say no but she kept asking in different ways. When confronted with situations like this, I always like to play stupid and say things like 'my girlfriend likes it if I do ____' as a way to avoid confrontation. I am searching for these words or any suitable replacement. I cannot think of the word for girlfriend...I can only remember the word for 'sister'. So, when explaining why I don't want my eyebrows done, I say:

'Mi hermana te gustas (pointing at my eyebrows)'

Loosely translated and adjusted for grammar and syntax, I basically told the woman cutting my hair that I did not want to get my eyebrows done because 'my sister likes them'.

She gave me a strange look and moved on.