My Haircut and Video Game Review

1st, the video game review. Today's video game is: 'Altered Beast'. This 1988 Sega Genesis Classic is...terrible. I've been at my parents' house for the holidays and have broken out the old Sega. NHL '94 is still incredible, RBI Baseball is serviceable, Revenge of Shinobi is pretty sweet...so wtf.org Altered Beast?

5 levels. Here's the breakdown:

Level 1: Stuff comes at you. You can punch or kick...or mix it up. Then you become a wolf and a stationary tall boss throws heads across the screen that then drop down in the easiest possible way for you to avoid them while you beat his a$$.

Level 2: Stuff comes at you. Mostly kicking. You turn into a dragon and to kill the giant eye that shoots little eyes, you get right next to it and push 'B' 8 times. I counted.

Level 3. Stuff comes at you. Mostly kicking. There are also gaps. You are forced to incorporate 'the jump button' or 'C'. You become a bear. You get next to a weird lizard on a bed that goes back and forth but in a limited range. Push 'B' 18 times.

Level 4: Stuff comes at you. Punching and kicking. You become a tiger and a flying gator mouth flies along the exact same pattern. 'B' button around 22 times depending on skill level.

Level 5: Stuff comes at you. Mostly kicking. You become a wolf again. You fight a rhino that is a boxer. Lots of 'B' button with the 'A' in the mix from distance.

Game ends. Ending sequence is of wolf staring at a blue bird flying in figure eight patter. If I could go back in time, besides resisting the urge to buy that Turbo Graphics 16, I'd put that copy of Altered Beast back on the shelf and replace it with attempting to talk to a girl. We learn by failure, not by playing video games in the dark.


The following is a recount of my resent haircut saga. Awkward.

My neighborhood in New York is really cool. I've got friends up here like Ryan Conner and Rory Scovel (Hoboken) and Erin Conroy (Brooklyn) and they think they live in cool neighborhoods. Erin wears a bullet proof vest. Ryan should wear one and Rory doesn't believe in vests. The point is, my hood is totally the coolest. It's like Adams Morgan in DC with more stores and places to eat...and more hipsters. My T-shirt is ironic!

Anyway, there are lots of white folks. Not that this means anything in general, but for this story it does. For all the white guys I see around my way, I never see any of them getting their hair cut. There are a bunch of barber shops/salons within a 10 minute walk of my apartment but when you walk by, you NEVER see a white guy getting his hair cut. I'm still pretty new to this area so I don't have things established. I knew where I could get my hair cut in DC. I don't in New York. I've been putting it off and I finally decided to take action.

I walked around, scouted locations, and paced around outside of places trying to pretend that I wasn't actually checking out these spots like an X boyfriend in a C- movie where he was charming until it was over. I settled on a clean looking Latin spot. I walk in. I was greeted by a stereotype. Seriously. It was like a John Leguizamo character.

'Ju nee' a 'aircuh'? OK, lemme see if de barbor is doing...'

He comes back shortly.

'OK unnnnn, de barbor is wif a guy right now...cutting hair not li' de odder ssing (laughs to himself that he made a double entendre) ...ann' unnn, dere is anover man 'oo is waiting for a chape up...so isss gon to be li' dirty minutes or son-sing...'

Cool. I'll come back later.

Undaunted, I roll close by to another barber shop that I've walked past many times. I get a little confused as to what block its on. Its really cold and windy. I finally find it. I open the door without really looking inside before I walked in...16 black men. That's who's inside this barber shop. There are 16 black dudes and they all stop and stare at me. I freeze. This is AWKWARD. What do I do? I'm white. Man am I white. I'm suddenly aware that I'm really white. Wow.

Lots of information is flooding to me in a short amount of time.

5 seats. Seat 1, man getting corn rows tightened. Seat 2, man getting afro picked. Seat 3, shape up. Seat 4, possible flat top box in progress. Seat 5, designs in the hair.

There are 2 amazingly old men playing checkers. 4 guys just chilling; just BS-ing and the 5 guys cutting hair. Those are your 16 and they are all staring at me. I decide that I'm going to roll with this. I start to take my jacket off and am trying to formulate the words to ask if it's cool if I hang out until it's time for my haircut. Before I can get the words out, the barber at the first chair, turns his clippers off, looks at me and says:

'Ain't got nuffin fo you up in here white boy.'

I say: 'Ok thanks!' and turn around a leave as fast as you can without running. The door is one of those kinds that opens normal but closes slow to allow for deliveries and such. I can hear them mocking me as I depart.

'Check out that corny muthaf*cka!'

'What's that weather like in Nebraska b*tch!'

(I was wearing my baseball sweatshirt) In the black guy doing a white guy voice: 'Yo homies, I play baseball.'

'Corny muthaf*cka lost!'

'Broke a$$ gps!'

New York city.

Congrats EJ!!!!

Congrats to my friend Erin Jackson who will be on Live at Gotham.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Mark A$$ Buster...

Buster Olney, one of my favorite baseball writers, said what I tried to say in a much better way on ESPN.com. Check out the article. He explains why the Mitchell Report was just a show game with zero teeth...it shows why he is a baseball writer and I am a guy that writes about stuff on a space that literally anyone can reserve space in.

I am not a fan of new years. It's always a hot mess trying to figure out what to do. I'm doing this, you guys should too...then no one else does it and you're a douche. You either spend a ton of money on a thing that is always a let down. Open bar actually means you get those tiny plastic cups with the idea of alcohol in them for 2 hours then its cash bar, or you get pink eye and go to new york and get mugged before sleeping on some dude's pee stain that you thought was sweat until you realized that it wasn't and it was too late to move so you just curl up in the corner of the bed as best you can and listen to your boy snore in the next room into a megaphone that is piped directly into your ear...I'm over it. It's a nice occasion because you can get people to hang out. I like it for that reason. It's like prom every year for grown ups.

People start asking the question in November. You always hurt someone's feelings. It's beat.

The best new year's I ever had was 2000. My boy Attorney Jon and I went around saying: 'Happy Armageddon'. This was the humors because it made everyone discomfortable. I would never hang out at Rhino Bar again though...

Mitchell....

Watch my show, 'The A-List' on Animal Planet. New episodes every Friday night at 9. I am in the show a lot in the coming weeks. This is a good thing for me.

Senator George Mitchell is dropping his report. Lots of names are being named. Not sure what this means for baseball. I do know that the amount of scrutiny is pretty amazing. I think the fact that we even have a 'Mitchell Report' is troubling. Congress is involved. This is still baseball. It's a game. Sure, it's a game that generates huge revenue, but it's a game. I don't know that Congress should be involved. Congress should be handling other things...like ending the war for example. Thanks Democrats, way to seize the momentum.

Anyway, one of the guys named a ton is Roger Clemens. Now I don't know how definitive we're taking this info. I don't know what we do now. Everyone is talking about 'how we take this'. I don't know. I tend to believe the info. Everyone has come after Barry Bonds (rightly so) but we now have to apply the same standard. Clemens cheated as much or worse as Bonds. Do we asterisk the strikeout record? Do we asterisk the win totals?

What pisses me off the most is that everyone is late to this party. Everyone around the game knew. I knew. I could have told you when Clemens left Boston as a fat slob that refused to work hard at age 34 in 1996 and then showed up with 5 more mph and the build of a diesel train in Toronto on his way to a Cy Young; Clemens cheated. No idea how no one even questioned the guy. He escaped scrutiny. Over the next 10 years, as he continued to dominate, no one raised an eyebrow. This has always baffled me. Where is the spite turned Bonds' way? Where is the venom? The league starts testing, he sits out until the first round of testing happens and then comes back. No one says a word.

Anyway, the names are staggering. Big ones. No one knows what happens next. One of the flaws in this whole thing is that Mitchell was appointed by MLB. Basically, he presents this report, makes some recommendations, and MLB takes action or it doesn't. It lacks teeth. No MLB players (except Jason Giambi) cooperated on advice of the players union. This whole thing is a big pony show. My guess is that this was done to keep Congress off of MLB. Now what? My guess is that nothing happens. Literally, there won't be any actions. No prosecutions, no discipline recommendations, zero. Basically, the result of this will be that lots of players are embarrassed by the report. If you really want to get into it, I bet that this is all a move by MLB owners (chief Selig) to hurt the players union and ultimately lower salaries.

I don't know where we go from here. I'm pretty frustrated I guess. Such a big 'to do' for no real results. Everyone will deny. We'll move forward I guess.

Kurt Radomski will not be at any MLB player's Christmas parties...

Tonight

Hey everyone,

Tune into my show, 'The A-List', tonight at 9 on Animal Planet. The network is airing the first 2 episodes back-to-back. I'm all over 1 of the shows tonight and the majority of the episodes over the coming weeks. Tivo people. DVR that shizzle.

Also, check out podcast #2 on my website. Rory and I talk about a bunch of stuff...you should listen to said stuff.

Last, I'm in DC this Saturday for the Poonanza. Saturday night at 10 PM at the Warehouse Theater. Email me at danny.rouhier@gmail.com if you want to reserve tix.

Thanks!

The Adventures of The People

This is the most vague title I could think of.

One of the main reasons I moved to New York was the idea that the people here with me would be willing to create. What I mean is that I want to constantly produce content. Video, sketch, new standup etc. I have still found it hard even in a place with people who are like-minded. The tough thing is, everyone is busy. Even guys like Rory Scovel and me, who are without jobs, have a hard time getting together to do the things we like...and create comedy. That was a joke that implies we make seggs. We don't.

I'm going to film another segment for my Animal Planet show 'the A-List' next Wednesday. I could not be more thankful for this opportunity. Managers, if you're out there, manage me. Thanks.

Currently listening to some Guns 'N Roses on my computational device. Cival War. Sorry about that. We were robbed. That band could have done anything. Literally anything. They were perfect. If I could go back in time, I'd take lottery numbers with me. Then, I'd try to get close to GNR and set them straight. I would tell them they owe it to those of us that can't do what they do to keep going. D*cks. Then I'd go back to when the Redskins drafted Heath Shuler and not allow that by showing the picture I took of his real estate sign in Tennessee when he should have been in the prime of his career.

Obviously, I am a Redskins fan. This week has been really tough. It's an insult to the memory and legacy of someone to claim some kind of personal connection with him. The truth is this: as much as one can care for someone he has never met, I cared for Sean Taylor. I followed him at the U, hoped for his coming to DC, followed his development with great interest. The window of the media provided that for me. I never met him but I feel like I knew who he was. The actions of men are what define them. His actions were improving and he should be defined as a bright star that left us too soon. It makes me sick that his past issues are dragged up in the coverage.

Would that happen to a regular guy? 'Jim was killed and when he was in college he drank too much one night and puked in his roomate's pillow case. He also lied to his boss and went on a long weekend by calling in sick at job he didn't care about.' Obviously, the level of problems we're talking about are different (calling in sick vs putting a shotgun in a dude's mouth and beating him senseless) but that doesn't mean you drag them up.

I am going to the game this Sunday. I don't know why I feel compelled to do so, but I do. I have a special place in my memory for people that brought me joy. People can say what they want about Jordan, but I saw something transcendent. I wasn't the only one that went to the park after he switched hands in mid-air against the Lakers in the finals to see if I could do it on an 8 foot rim. Sean Taylor is one of those people. When he picked up that fumble against the eagles, who I loathe like athlete's foot, and returned it for a touchdown sending us to the playoffs, I was euphoric. It was a gift. He may not have addressed it to me, but I received it.

So, for what it's worth, and that's not much, I will miss Sean Taylor. A man I never met or talked with, a guy that I saw for 20 weeks a year on Sundays, a player that gave me joy to watch. I'll miss that feeling.

Dec 7 and 20 Minutes

That's when my TV show appears. It's cool to get to say that. My tv show. Hi there, which tv show is it?

Great question Phil. It's actually mine.

Phil: 'NEAT!'

Me: 'Quite'

I had an amazing time filming my segments for this show (called the A-List...set your tivo/dvr/vcr accordingly). It's a bit of a different mindset then doing standup. My comedy is, by its nature, verbose and awkward. This is not conducive for shows like this where quick clips are favored. They want you to get to the funny really quickly. I'm not a great '1 liner' kind of guy. So, this was actually a great challenge for me. The feedback I got was that most of my clips were too long to use. I totally understand that. Hopefully, enough of my stuff snuck through and I'll be all over this show.

One weird corollary to all this is that I've learned a remarkable amount about lots of animals recently. They handed the comics a fact sheet and you basically study that and write material based on the info. Want some examples?

-Bull Elephant Seal males are 4 times the size of the females. Males roll with harems of around 50 females. (Insert 'pimp' joke here for maximum humor)

-Koala bears sleep for 22 hours a day

-If an alligator's nest is under 88 degress, all the eggs will turn out female. If it's over 91, only males will be born

-The Red Knob Hornbill seals itself in a hollow tree by closing off the hole with its poop. It stays in there for 2 months while laying eggs and taking care of the babies.

-An octopus mom will literally never leave its eggs until they hatch. She lays 50,000 of them and will then literally eat her own arm so she doesn't starve to avoid leaving her eggs.

There's more, but you'll have to watch the show for other neat facts.


Last note, go to my website and check out the 1st podcast. The show is entitled: "20 minutes with Danny and Rory"

It's a good first show. We'll be doing more and getting better. Go to the media page of my site and click on the Show 1 on the audio list. Enjoy.

Animal Planet

I filmed segments for an upcoming show on Animal Planet. I'm really excited about it. I have no idea how much I'll be on, if I was funny, or if I'll ever be invited back. I had a blast filming it though. I've been told it will be premiering on Dec 7. More when I know more.

Some friends and I recently shot a really funny video. It's almost all edited. People will laugh. More on this when it's done...

I just realized I basically said: 'more information later' twice. More on why I did this later.

I'm from Washington, DC. The state of DC sports teams is a shabingus. I won't type any more because I'll just get angry. The goddammn plane has crashed into the mountain.

Standing Water

New York, and other major cities like it around the world, all have one thing in common. They are hubs of activity, culture, and wonder. Cities like Paris, Barcelona, and London are all places of incredible sights and structures. When you move to a city like this, you know that you could live there your entire life and not see everything the city has to offer. New discovery is possible every day. One thing no one tells you about?

Standing water. When it rains, when it snows, when certain things go awry in icky places...you get the still water. Still water sucks. It's always gross and you have to make awkward motions to get around it. Everyone to a man has experienced the fear of a moving vehicle passing too close to them over a body of water...the splash. Oh it's so beat. That 'water' is like eating a bowl of germs and then spitting it out onto your comfortable mesh pants that you bought at Target for 9.99.

No one ever mentions it. It's never talked about; but it should be. It sucks.

Not a lot of substance in this blog. Couple me items:

I'm at Carolines on Nov 20th. I'm really excited to perform at this club as it's definitely one of the marquee venues in the universe.

I also completed a humorous video shoot this past weekend. Look for that soon.

Also, tomorrow (we're recording tonight) I'll be on The Schachter Factor; a fun radio show run by my buddy Jeremy Schacter. You can listen at: www.jeremyradio.com

Last thing, I'm doing a pilot this week. More on this when it's done.

Holler.

Really?

Hillary Clinton in '08. With each passing day, we draw closer to this conclusion. This is it. My only question is: really? Throw partisan feelings aside. It is beyond argument that the country is overwhelmingly displeased with President Bush (approval rating hovering around 30%. I also realize that these are slightly subjective measures and not totally accurate but the point should still stand). Republicans, are rudderless. Those running for the nomination in '08 are split evenly on doing everything they can to distance themselves from Bush or running in line to get behind him.

Democrats swept into Congress during the mid-term elections with the momentum of stopping the war in Iraq (of course there were other issues but that's the one that will resonate through history). Nearly 2 years later, you would be hard pressed to find anyone outside the most hardcore democrat who would tell you that the Ds have made any significant progress on this front or capitalized on the momentum the mid-terms should have provided them. Still, With Bush still lagging and Republicans less popular than in recent years, this is a golden opportunity for Democrats to step up....

And we get Hillary. This is the best? This is the haymaker? The big counter-punch? I am stunned. Despite my misgivings about her husband, it's undeniable that he was a star. Where are the stars? The alternatives to HC all have their flaws. Everyone seems to like Obama for example, but his biggest knock seems to be that no one thinks he can win. It's sentiments like these that have led us to...'She has the best chance, so I'm going with it.'

Frustrating. I will save both my readers from a rant against the HC for prez bus; I feel like you all know why she shouldn't be president, or even a Senator, or even a person you hang out with and talk about how your new apartment is in a cool neighborhood at a cocktail party. This is more of a 'state of disbelief' blog from yours truly.

The only analogy I can come up with is a major network lagging in ratings. The network says they need one big show this fall to get people talking about their network again. The network gets together and discusses a number of people who are available. After much deliberation, at this critical junction in the history of tv.....they pick a new show for:

Jimmy Smits.


Conclusion:

Hillary Clinton is the Jimmy Smits of the Democratic Party.

Halloween Holler

My first Halloween in the Nuevo York has come and gone. Hallows Ever in my neighborhood is a gong show at the monkey section of a zoo. People go nuts.

Early in the evening, adults take their kids to restaurants and businesses for trick or treating. Totally new to me but it makes sense. You can't get into apartment buildings and knock on doors so you go to the local Equadorian spot in your Yu-Gi-Oh outfits and you get your loot. It's a good scene.

Once the children are in bed, the astounding behavior ensues. Everyone is out. All the people. All the crazy inhabitants that wait for months for this night to arrive. Costumes. Good ones, bad ones, terrifying ones. Terrifying because it takes a weird person to step into an outfit like that. Hipsters are dressed normally but they fit in on Halloween because everyone looks weird.

Eggs are thrown. Screaming. Boisterous shouts of nonsense. I woke up at 3 to a nice arrest in front of my apartment building. 5 dudes, face down on the street with cops standing over them. Sweet. Call back to those 1st few years of cops where it was pretty cool. 34 feet below me, I was riding along with Officer Shove'N'Stuff.

Halloween b*tches...

Launch Party

Last week, your funny danny blogger caught a free live show. These are the best kinds of shows, due to their free-ness and their value; and you know your humorist is all about value. One of the cool things about the newer version of old york is a thing that is new to me: Launch Parties. These elusive and wondrous spectacles are both curious and compelling. Unless one is in an industry where this sort of tomfoolery is commonplace (awkward high fashion where one does not eat for example), it's hard to know where/when/why /what the hell for these things occur. Let me break down the launch party:

-some company has a new product/idea/concept/person/design/statue
-said company hires another company
-company 2 gets a venue, spends company 1's $...lots of company 1's $
-Enormous amounts of random people miraculously hear about the event.
-Said people attend, eat food, drink adult beverages, and make merry and glance at whatever new product/idea/concept/person/design/statue company 1 is rolling out there

This is what is done. Whoever did this first is either an idiot or a genius. I vote genius. Otherwise, last Thursday, I wouldn't have had 481 Guinnesses and eaten small hot dogs.

I had a hookup with this one. It was a good hook up...like she ran the event. Would I, in a million years have had any idea about this shindig without the expressed written reminders of said hookup? Negatron. Bottom line: Someone else paid for me to get sauced and listen to a cool band...and I like that.

The Get Fresh Crew

I blog to tell you a story. Most won't appreciate it. Those that do will think it the tightness.

Last week, I'm at an event. It was a charity event. It was winding down. I was about to leave. A man walks into the place. The venue was huge and wondrous. I'm booking it for my birthday (funny danny note: no I'm not. It would cost more than I could potentially make in 47 years). The dude that walks in is on an iphone. He is also typing on a sidekick. He is not who he once was. I recognize him but I am still not sure it's who I think it is...that was a confusing sentence.

The man, who is a good 40 pounds heavier than when I first bought his audio cassette tape many years ago. He looks around the room...he isn't sure where to go. Someone guides him over to the registration desk. He meanders over to the unknowing chicks managing the station. They ask him his name...

He pauses from his phone call...and his sidekick. He looks up and says: "Doug E Fresh". The chicks have no idea who he is. One asks: 'OK...it's Mr. Fresh?'

He repeats his name. It is awkward. I am watching this whole scene unfold and I roll over quickly and say:

"ladies, this is Doug E Fresh. I own all his cassette tapes."

He responds: 'Aaaiiight. Where I go to?'

I took him over to where the VIPs had been hanging out earlier. Most have cleared out as the event was winding down. There were several athletes present including several former greats.

Fast forward. Doug E Fresh is talking to the guy that put on the event. I spoke to the organizer earlier and he calls me over. The two of them are talking and name dropping. I don't have much to contribute. I finally jump in during a lull. Here is the convo:

Me: 'Doug, lemme ask you this. You've been in the game for so long, do you ever get wowed by a star? Like, Derrick Jeter was here earlier; is that impressive to you or is not a big deal?'

DEF: 'I mean, das like...I mean, I make raps. No-what-I'msayin', I make raps. Most da time, it's like nah son. I done that. But man, you meet dat dude and das' like: 'that n_ _ _ a made world series.'

Me: 'I totally understand.'

DEF: 'I came in and brought that knowledge. Them guys that was doin' it strong when I was young is like wow. Tony Dorsett was in here. That's one of the best running backs of all time.'

Me: 'Actually Doug, if you'll indulge me, I think it's irresponsible to place him among the great running backs of all time.'

(At this point, the organizer is looking at me like I'm a space alien on stilts taking a piss on a parade.)

DEF: 'Oh damn!'

Me: 'If you give me 10 seconds, I'll name you 5 better right now.'

DEF: 'Aight yo.'

Me: 'Walter Payton, Jim Brown, Barry Sanders, Gayle Sayers, Marshall Faulk'

DEF: 'Daaaaammmmmmn!'

(more looks of insanity from the organizer)

Me: 'I'll name 5 more right now. Eric Dickerson, Emmit Smith, Earl Campbell, Marcus Allen, and OJ Simpson; 2000 in a 14 game season!'

DEF: 'Oh sh*t son! Bringing dat noise...'

Me: 'I just can't stand it when a guy plays on great teams and is great by association. Dorsett was fine, but just because he was on great teams, don't anoint him into the pantheon. The thing he's most famous for is getting caught by Darrell Green on Monday Night Football.'

To summarize, I had a sports debate with Doug E Fresh (from the Get Fresh Crew) and I lectured him about how I believe that a cowboy was overrated. Personal highlight.

Some Baseball Facts

Here's an interesting thing that might only interest me and a few other people:

Here are the 4 teams left in the MLB playoffs:

Cleveland Indians
Colorado Rockies
Boston Red Sox
Arizona Diamondbacks

Here's the wikipedia entry for (fellow St. Albans Alum) Josh Byrnes:

"Josh Byrnes is currently the General Manager of the Arizona Diamondbacks of Major League Baseball. A graduate of Haverford College, he began his baseball career as an intern for the Cleveland Indians in 1994, quickly working his way up the organization ladder. In 1999 he was hired to fill the assistant GM position for the Colorado Rockies, a job he held for two years. He then took the same job under Theo Epstein and the Boston Red Sox until October 2005 when he was hired by the Diamondbacks to replace the departing interim GM Joe Garagiola Jr."

Lets go a bit more in depth. Byrnes was the director of scouting for the Indians until '99. Here's a quick look at some of the guys he scouted and were drafted under his watch:

CC Sabathia, Jhonny Peralta, Victor Martinez

He then left to become assistant GM of the Colorado Rockies in '99. Here's another quick look at players he acquired:

(closer) Manny Corpas, Brian Fuentes, Jeff Francis, Garrett Atkins, Jeff Baker, Corey Sullivan, Ryan Spillbourghs..basically, their starters besides Matt Holliday

He then left for the Red Sox in 2003. Another closer look:

Jonathan Papelbon, Dustin Pedroia, David Ortiz, Jacoby Ellsbury

Now he's the GM of the Diamondbacks:

Virtually the entire roster, assembled by Byrnes in the last 3 seasons since he arrived in 2005.

Memo to MLB coverage:

DO A STORY ABOUT JOSH BYRNES!!!

Saying Goodbye to This Thing I Love...

I quit soda. It's been 14 weeks. It hurts. All the time. I eat food, it reminds me of Coca Cola Classic. Burritos, hamburgers, steak, chips, sandwiches, boredom, video games, pasta, talking, driving...literally everything reminds me of soda. It's a healthy life choice. My lifestyle isn't the most healthy. I'm poor, I have a weird sched and the only food available is terrible for you. I don't play sports competitively anymore and it's time to make an adjustment.

Bottom line: this is so hard. I know. Piss and moan, blah blah blah. I don't care. Right now, I'm thinking about have a can of coke. Did you know that my mouth re-creates the aftermath of coca cola telling me it's time to have one?

I'm temping now. It's a necessary thing. Not much fun but it's gotta happen. The 0 positive cash flow is very 1994 summer.

The Bachelor

I haven't watched any Bachelor related programming for some time now. I got into one of them as part of an agreement that allowed my buds and I to watch 30 some hours of football per week, 24, and The Sopranos (still not an ending.) I don't know what seas it was, I do know that the dude was an idiot and picked some yatch from the south. Ohmygoshyallsofuuuuuuuun!

Anyway, It was the one with this chick: http://jam.canoe.ca/Television/2006/02/08/1430649.html

Team Canada, my horse. I was heartbroken when she was eliminated. I didn't understand how this could happen. Why?

Since I had no reason to watch any of the following seasons (have their been following seasons? I dunno), I haven't. Well, this one is different.

Now, I will start by telling you that I missed the first episode. Irresponsible on my part. No excuse. Why do I care? I know one of the bachelorettes. She's from DC and went to Wilson High School. She's friends with lots of my friends. It was with great relief that I found out she made it past the first cut. Here is my problem:

I have railed before (and still feel) that this program, and other copies, are awful for more reasons than I can count. Here are some:

-The great glee female viewers take in bashing the girls on the show (run a google search and read a blog if you don't believe me) and the sinister voyeaurism as the chicks are emotionally jerked around.

-The horrendous phenomenon of girls working themselves into a frenzy because they are competing with other girls.

-The fact that if any one of them, on her own, met the guy or someone like him in due course, they wouldn't be talking about 'fairy tales' or talking about 'being in love' after 3 weeks in a transparent attempt to 1-up the other girls on the show.

-Having now filmed a reality show, the absurdly contrived scenes/settings/prompting that takes place is an insult to viewers that no one seems to get. It's not reality people. They have 'takes', they have you repeat things, you will say the same thing a dozen times, you get prompted to say key phrases, they cut it together to have the roles filled: girl that is 'evil', girl the everyone likes and roots for. There is a producer/director in the interview room with each girl during her 'confessional'. They try and trap you into saying terrible things about the others on the show.

There's more but I'll spare you. So what's my problem? I have a horse in the field again. Now, while my common sense wants her to be eliminated because of how terrible I think the whole thing is, my heart wants her to win this thing. Put it right in those other b*tches' eyepieces. So yes Bettina, call it a fairy tell, tell us all that it's magical, have the other chicks get jealous of you because you are stealing too much 'one on one time' with Chooch McGarnigal, do the damn thing. I urge you all to tune in and root for Bettina. Mondays at 10 on ABC. Repping DC to the death.

If You Were A _______

This is the name of my favorite game to play. I randomly think of something that someone in the room would be and tell them they would be it. The recipient doesn't understand and is immediately defensive or, pretends not to be defensive.

Examples:

I tell my buddy that if he was an airline, he'd be Lufthansa. Why? No one knows.

I told my special lady friend that if she was an NFL official, she'd be Ed Hochuli (pictured). There is simply no good reason for this, but it's hysterical. I suggest you try it with your friends. Employ the ADD and let your mind wander.

If you want to inform your friend that if he was a car, he'd be a PT Cruiser, then do so.

If you want to tell your buddy that if he were a baseball pitch, he'd be a foshball, by all means, proceed.

If you think your mom would be an antelope if she were an animal, then she sould know that.

The real point here is that I don't have anything to write about.

Dear reader, if you were a lake, you'd be lake Minnetonka.

Danny

Temping

I just interviewed with a temp agency in NYC. Note: temp interviews should go like this: 'bruh, are you retarded?' If yes, then we have some stuff for you, if no, we have some stuff; different from the first stuff, for you.

I need to earn some cash. Apparently, you can't just be like Kramer up here and not work. Whammy.

Big one tonight for my team. Philly could be 0-2. Puppies will be saved.

Good luck to Joe Robinson who makes his debut in a few minutes on 98 rock. I guess its not his debut but the debut of his show. Either way, its good for him.

Codeword Secret

The pilot I was a part of: Codeword Secret has launched its website. We are going to be filming episodes in the coming weeks so look out for them. I say look out because they will be hot like fire in an oven in the sun. I'm in it, my character is kind of a loser. I swear its a character and not me saying lines.

I am in 4 fantasy football leagues. This is too many. I am in each one for a good reason. They each connect a different part of my life and its fun to be involved with each of these groups. The problem is, I cannot even remember who I'm rooting for on Sundays anymore (player wise...its always the Redskins and whoever is playing dallas/philly/new york). The other hard part is keeping track of player acquisitions, starting the right guys, and generally managing a team effectively. The thing that really stinks is fantasy football is my least favorite fantasy sport. Its so random from week to week that its really hard to analyze trends. In baseball, you get a lot of games and are rewarded over the long hall. Ebs and valleys happen, you can pretty much predict where a guy will end up. Basketball is the same thing on a shorter scale. If a guy averages 25 a game, he may not score 25 in a given contest, but you know where his average will be.

Football is not this way. Want examples? Any fantasy owner this year would LOVE to have Steven Jackson. He went 2nd overall in most leagues. He had 58 yards rushing and lost 2 fumbles on Sunday. Was it a bad pick for me to take him? No one would say yes, yet, he was outperformed by almost every starting RB in the league. Most fantasy owners would tell you that Larry Fitzgerald is a stud and one of the sure things in fantasy football; poised for a monster year. 20 yards receiving. That's what I got. Was I stupid because I didn't draft Brandon Marshall when I could take Fitz? Of course not. The result is that I'm 0-1 in a couple leagues because my stars didn't do sh*t.

I've got a bunch more examples for other teams. It's so random and I feel like there is a lot less skill involved than the other sports. This is all moot because I'm still going to play. I'm a pu$$y.

The weather today in New York is perfect. Literally perfect. This is what I signed up for. That and the fame. The weather is nice though.

A month of Sundays

I haven't blogged since Aug 14. The excuses are things like 'the internet isn't reliable here', 'I've been busy', 'I've been working on other stuff'. None of that is true. Well, the internet thing is true.

Anyway, here it is. My return to regularity. The fibercon of internet webmastery is back in business.

Updates:

Last week I filmed a tv pilot. It was a sketch comedy show/reality show that will be pitched to networks and such in the coming weeks. Updates on this as they come in. Completely bizarre/exhilarating experience. My sketch group from DC (Crisis Lab) was thrown into a stewing reality pot with a group from Chicago (Cool Table) and a group from LA (25th Century Heroes). the ultimate 'winner' of the show was the group from Chicago. They completely deserve this. To give you an idea, this group puts on a live sketch show ever week with brand new sketches. They have been doing this for years. My group now has 4 sketches and have performed live once.

The culmination of this show was a live performance at Comix Comedy Club in NY. It was an incredible show and I have not had a better time performing in my life. It felt like being on Star Search...

I was also part of a pilot that was submitted to the New York TV Festival. It is called Codeword Secret. You will hear more about this in the coming weeks. I'll be shooting future episodes soon. This show is incredible and the people working on it are super as well. The pilot was very well received which is good.

My special lady friend is going to a dress bustling this afternoon. Listen, I'm all about women enjoying themselves leading up to and during their wedding. Its their wedding. Do it up. My questions is: when did every single event associated with weddings turn into a party? The bride selects her table arrangements, party. The bride picks the invites, party. The bride tries on a dress, party. Someone, somewhere is really smart. Whenever they figured out they could do this, they made a lot of $$$.

I'll be back tomorrow. Holler

Danny

New Post

I haven't been really good about blogging. I don't have an excuse, except for the difficulty of typing. It's hard.

I went to UCB last Friday night and saw an awesome Improv troupe. They were funny.

Rory, Ryan, and I had our first show at Soundfix Records last night. It was a lot of fun. Thanks to everyone who came out except for that guy who left in the middle when those girls came.

So far, New York has been really sweaty for me. I have sweat everywhere I've gone. I am anxious for summer to end. There is lots of walking, which while a good thing, is a sweaty endeavor. I arrive at every destination looking as if I ran there from a near death experience. Muggycity.org people.

I have a well earned vacation coming up next week. And by well earned, I mean that I have been useless the last month and should not get a vaca until 2009 based on this time period. OBX respect.

I'm going to a wedding this weekend. Maowage...

The Move Vlog

Here it is. After much anticipation, questions, doping scandals, and stolen internet connections (thank you linksys...I don't have the words), the 'Moving to New York Vlog'



Holler

Working...

on the New York Vlog. Hope to have it done today and I'll put it on the interwebs. I'm rolling to Frederick, MD for the Mid Atlantic Comedy Smorgasboard thingy. Then, Monday morning, a bunch of us are headed to Detroit for the Detroit Comedy Idol competition. We've already discussed how sucky I am at contests. I understand why contests exist but I don't like them in comedy. Judging art is silly. Note: if I won contests, I would say that you need them and that they are important.

Regardless, it should be a fun trip to Detroit. I have never been there and will be joined by some good peeps: Jon Mumma, Justin Schlegel, Mike Way, and Jason Weems will all be there repping it to the death.

Holler

Fun

I have been the mayor of lazytown with my blogs. My fault not yours. But, since I admit it, you can't be mad at me. I just thought of how ridiculous that is. That's what's wrong with western civ. If you admit to it, you're somehow not accountable. I'm not good at generalizing. See what I did there?

I had a super time on 98 rock last Thursday. I was told that it was the best show ever by everyone. They are really cool over there which increases levels of goodness and humors.

Larry Poon and Justin Schlegel were in NYC last night. They had a lovely stir-fry of 'holy sh*t, is this really what it's like?' Good to see both of them and I was fortunate enough to do a quick bit with Larry. What a generous guy. He provided the pants.

I've also been really lazy about my moving to New York vlog. I don't know what to say about it other than I don't do anything during the day and I have no excuse.

A few DC guys are headed to Detroit early next week for the Detroit Comedy Idol contest. I suck at contests. I don't do well in them and haven't figured out the trick. Basically, what typically happens is I have a good set. Not great but good. Everyone seems to agree I should be considered. Then I am not considered and far away from finishing near the top. I look forward to the occasion anyway as it should be a fun road trip. I've never been to Detroit. I'm hoping to enter into one of the freestyle rap events that occur on every corner like in 8 mile.

98 Rock

Dudes and chicks,

I'm going to be on 98 Rock this Thursday morning. I'll be joining Joe Robinson in studio for the morning show. I'm looking forward to it. You can listen online if that is your thing. Just go to www.98online.com. Then click on the listen live link at the top of the home page. They also have a webcam feature so you can see stuff if you like to see stuff.

Tell your friends.

Update

I had a great time last night in Hoboken. I never thought I would say that at any point in my life.

Thanks to JL for having me on the show. I had one of my favorite moments as a comic last night when I thought of a punch for an older joke that had been all but retired. It's now back and people are excited.

Also, has anyone done a bit about how dumb cover bands are when you think about it? And how this can't happen in any other field? No one is going to see a 'cover artist' paint a Rembrandt...or Phil doing Larry's incredible 'Fall Quarterly '03 presentation'. I thought of it last night but had the feeling in the back of my head that sounded like this: 'YOU ARE A HACK! YOU ARE A HACK!'

I am. I'm getting more comfortable with it everyday. Hacks make it people. Integrity and intelligence will get you a ticket to see BET Comic View: "Y'all know when you be smokin' that weed, you ain't tryin' to do nothin'. Worst thing that happens is you eat yo' mama' pot roast!'

I'm starting to feel my way around up here in NYC. My neighborhood is the tightness. I'm close to so much. Also, walking is a way of life up here. This is not good for me in the summer time. I have a 94% SP (Sweat Percentage) and typically enter my apartment pouring in sweat. This will abade as the heat dwindles but as of right now...the chafing people...you would not believe the chafing.

Working on a video blog. Should be coming soon.

Bal'mer Der hon

I had a blast in Baltimore last weekend. Thanks to the Factory, Mickey, and especially Joe Robinson. Here's what Joe did for me:

Got me the spot on the show, then a spot on the 98 Rock Morning show, another likely radio spot next week. Here's what I've been able to do for Joe:

Thanks Joe!

Speaking of the radio, I had a silly time doing the morning show with Mickey and Amelia. It's amazing how they are able to get up so early and be on right away. I had several periods where my mind wandered for minutes at a time and I was staring into space...note: this did not include the part of the show where women came in and showed their respective breasticles. Everyone there was really cool and I can't wait to come back. I'll be sure to let you know when that happens.

I walked around my neighborhood today. Astounding at how much their is so close to my place. I love it.

Last, and this should really be a whole blog, but did anyone get the memo on this? There was voting for the 7 wonders of the world. The problem with this is that most of the original 7 no longer exist. What are commonly thought of as the modern 7 (top of my head I could only think of: Stonehenge/Great Wall of China/Leaning Tower of Pisa/The Colosseum); most of them didn't want to participate in the voting. The new list doesn't feel as good to me. The real point is, I had no idea there was a vote. That's what Americans do well...well, I mean as long as they can see the wonder performing on tv and can text who they want via cellular device.

TRANSFORMERS!!!!!

MIRTH. Holy Sh*t. Pure joy. Unparalleled happiness in my heart.

I'm In New York But I'm Not

I finished moving my stuff to my apartment in New York City. I'm not one of those fakers who's all: 'I'm in New York when I'm really not'. I live in Manhattan now. Weird for me to say that but it's true. I'm excited. I have no idea what the future is going to bring but I cannot wait to see. My apartment is not big as it is in New York city and the abodes there do not tend to run on the 'big' side. Still, it is reasonable and functional and integrated and user-friendly.

I finished the moving on Saturday with a trip to bed bath and beyond the glory. I no longer consider myself a man. The final moving act was the returning of the UHAUL truck. UHUAL, is the new DMV. I cannot even tell you with my words how awful it was. We were just returning a truck; as in: 'Here are the keys bruh'. We called the office on the phone several times, no one picked up. When we arrived, I counted 12 phones. Said phones were ringing constantly. No one answered them. There was 0 progress in any line at any time. Employees were consistently walking around and ignoring pleading and helpless customers who were waiting for vans/trucks that they had reserved. I don't know the laws of our land well enough but I have got to believe that something about that organization is illegal. If you reserve something, it should be reserved. You should not be sitting on the floor at a UHAUL at W 23rd street and 11th Ave at noon on a Saturday in a pool of your own upset feelings because you had been there since 9 and your wife has taken it upon herself to remind you every 32 seconds how much this sucks. I saw that.

The most amazing thing occurred when the manager stood up and shouted to everyone: "We don't have any vehicles at this time!" The anger....oh my word the anger. The thing is, we were the only people in the place who were bringing a vehicle to the table. You would think that we would be given royal treatment. False. We could have helped, if only slightly, by providing the single commodity to ease the situation. We were ignored. The DMV has nothing on UHAUL.

I'm back in DC right now which is weird. I was involved in the production of a new show from the good folks that brought you Buddy Jackson. We shot yesterday. It was fun and I think I was OK. I'm here all week doing various things. Once this week ends, I shall transport myself back up to New York City, where I now live.

I hope to see the people that I know soon. Holler

Transformers Video

Check it:

Things That Make Sadness

The worst thing that can happen in my current daily routine is a bad episode of Maury Povich. It throws off the entire balance of my day. What distinguishes a good episode from a bad one? Good question non-existent person.

Bad episodes: Anything with the word 'exposed' in the title. They are always about 'shocking videos exposed', 'cheaters exposed' or some such nonsense. Always so bad. Basically, they get a dude from another show that does shocking video or catches cheaters, and have the dude do highlights from his show on the Maury Show. It's ridiculous. The studio audience gets clips from another show. I'd be mad.

Good episodes: Every talk show finds their niche. Maury's niche? Paternity tests. It's a home run every time. The humor on these shows is layered. Thickly layered humor.

1) the actions and the sh*t talking of the women accusing the men of being the father and the men denying it. Always deteriorates into a shouting match with one or both parties going over to the picture of the child/ren and arguing that there is/isn't a resemblance.

2) The reactions to the announcement of the test.
A) Despair. The extreme sadness of finding out that a complete deadbeat is not the father of the child/ren.
B) Jubilence followed by a kind of 'in your f*cking mouthpiece! You are the dad!' reaction
C) Hugging because the man who is there now is the real father (as opposed to the guy she cheated with)

3) The best is when a horrendous dude is actually the father. On an episode last week, a man that had fathered 22 children was accused of fathering 2 more. It turns out that 23 and 24 were also his. He was a little upset. The mother? Joyous because she was proven correct. Now that dude is the dad. That's her big win. Her moment in the son. Instead of a 'thank you Maury. I'm glad I've got closure', or a 'I just hope you'll live up to your responsibilities now'...we get a
booty shake dance, repeating of the words 'what! What! I done told you! What!'

Like the pic...I know it's hard to see. But she just found out that the man in question was the father of her child.

These are the episodes that make Maury great.

Kobe Bryant is demanding a trade based on organizational ineptitude. He's catching some flack for this. I am of 2 minds:

1) I hate Kobe Bryant. A selfish ego-centric punk that ran Shaq out of town to prove he could be 'the man' on a title team but before he ever set foot on an NBA court, he held the league hostage by declaring that he would never play for a 'non major market team'. He was drafted by Charlotte. People forget that he forced a trade to go to LA. A whiny punk b*tch if there ever was one.

2) I wish there was more of this. The dude wants to win (even though his reasons are selfish) and he's pissed that his idiot front office is wasting the best years of his career. He's in his prime and unguardable. He's carrying a horrendous group of older vets and high school kids not ready for prime time. I'd be pissed too.

That's all for now.

Alf

I'm not working right now. It means I am pathetic.com.

I just watched a sick episode of Alf. I'm trying to go back in my personal memory banks and I cannot think of a more underrated show. I won't bore you with all the trivia that I remember from the top of my head (his real name was Gordon Shumway from the planet Melmac. He played bouillabaseball. He crash landed in the Tanner's garage when he followed a 'HAM' radio signal. Willie, Kate, Lynn and Brian Tanner...and the cat Lucky. The nosy neighbors, the Ochmaneks, were always around...what were their names? ....hard to remember...oh, Trevor and Raquel and their son Jake. There's more but we'll let it go)

The Tanner's always had to worry about Alf being discovered by the government's alien task force. Constant running theme with the occasional cliffhanger episode that led to other feelings besides the standard late 80s sitcom. If I remember correctly, the final episode of the show had Alf actually being taken away by the government (what a novel concept...providing closure for a character) and it being a remarkably sad thing.

Another running theme that was funnier was the fact that Alf's favorite food is cats. He constantly tried to eat the Tanner's cat but the attempts were half-hearted because he loved the Tanners so much. I just got a little emotional...Alf was awesome.

The only role I've ever liked Ben Stiller in was a movie about the creator of Alf called Permanent Midnight. It's just based on the guy so it's not a documentary.

Anyway, sick show. Funny Danny salutes Alf. Peace out little guy.

More Soprano thoughts

Kent had a nice comment on my last rant blog. I loved the show. I still do in fact. Not much better than watching some of the classic episodes. Last week I caught the episode where Big Pussy gets whacked. Still gave me chills.

In the words of Samuel L..."Well allow me to retort!"

Kent makes some assertions, but that's what they are: assertions. They are friends with hypothesis, theory, and conjecture.

The feud with NY is over...for now. It was over when Johnny Sac and Tony had that meeting and the FBI came for Johnny Sac. But new stuff developed. That's the point. It's the lifestyle. Always something. Maybe it is over for good. Maybe it isn't. No one knows because we don't see.

AJ isn't depressed for 9 minutes of a show. He wasn't depressed when he was playing football 3 seasons ago...then he collapsed.

You say it yourself, 'Meadow is on track'. That's my point in a nutshell. We don't know where those tracks go. Anyone's guess. No one is right because we'll never see it unless there is a movie.

I didn't necessarily need Tony to die. It's one example. Closure would have been as simple as Meadow getting to sit down. The guy from the bathroom leaving. Anything! All we have are assumptions.

Now, that said, I thought this episode and the last one were 2 of the best in the history of the show and tv. I cannot remember feeling more tense about anything ever. Amazing. I enjoyed it too. I'm not a snob...well not about this anyway.

It's just that the ending isn't an ending. It's a discontinuation, a lack of coverage, a ceasing of informing. It's not fair. It's smug and it's a genuine lack of respect for the fans. I really believe this.

This show could have been made into another arrested development. No one had to watch it. We did. We invested so much. Chase took the reigns for the finale and he jerked us around as he's laughing about how smart he is. Symbols everywhere.

Was the cat Chrissy? Was it Big Pussy? Was it Adriana? Was it just a cat?

It's all just us schleps out here guessing and trying to sound smart at parties and over email. I have my own interpretation. My friends have theirs too. That's the point. That inherently means there is no closure.

You can argue that Tony gets whacked, you can argue that he doesn't. The fact that there is a debate is why I'm pissed. That means there was no closure and that's what I wanted. I wanted finality, not the illusion of it. Everyone is on a track as you mentioned but if the show taught us anything, it's that you never know. They even go so far as to say as much. It's frustrating. I don't like the fact that the last taste in my mouth is that I have to wait for the Sopranos movie to see where all the characters that I have gotten to know end up.

Anyway, good points. I'm just pissed and can't see myself being unpissed for many moons.

F*ck David Chase

Below is a copy of the email I wrote to my friends about the Sopranos finale. I wanted to ponder it for a while before I posted because I wanted to make sure I was sure how I felt. I will preface by saying, I've watched all 86. I love the show and have been with it every step of the way. Giddyup:


I know there was some confusion by some folks as to who 'Carlo' was. The guy that flipped and went to the FBI.

http://www.imdb.com/gallery/hh/0621597/HH/0621597/ArthurHeadshotOne.jpg.html?path=pgallery&path_key=Nascarella,%20Arthur%20J.

that's the guy. He was one of Tony's captains. Weird that he wasn't developed like some of the other guys.

Also, I have been thinking about this for the last few days. Here is what I am going with:

F*ck David Chase. All these critics and fans gabbing on about how they 'got it' reminds me of people looking at a fleck of paint on a canvas and talking about the 'angst of the artist' and how it 'challenges social constraints through its understated aggression'. It's bullsh*t. Give me some f*cking closure man. Maybe i'm simple or something but this symbolic lapdance is just Chase saying to everyone: 'you don't get how smart I am'.

I spent the last 40 minutes poking around online and found some info.

That guy at the bar was indeed Phil Leotardo's nephew. Beyond that, the 2 black guys that came in and looked at the buffet were the same guys that robbed Tony and shot at him in Season 2 or 3, the boys at the diner were also at the train store when Bobby Bacala gets capped, the trucker was the brother of a truck driver that Chrissy killed in Season 2 that identified the body after the crime. What's the point? It's that no one knows what any of this means.

The Godfather references were not subtle. I think it was just another way of teasing us. You show us all this stuff, hint at all these things: "You never know when it's going to come" and then let everyone guess while you are either sitting there smug because you're so clever or biding your time until you can do the movie and make more $. It pisses me off for several reasons:

1) the reactions of all those knuckle-f*ckers who are like: 'I get it. Bravo David Chase!'

2) The fact that Chase has always said he knew exactly how this show would end. Really? That's it? Your ending, that you have always envisioned is no ending at all and a symbolic orgy of subtle references with a black screen that made 1/2 of america think its cable went out?

3) The endings of things should provide closure. Otherwise, they are not endings...they are ceasings or stoppings, not endings. Cheers ended with: 'Sorry, the bar's closed'. That's an ending. The Cosby show ended with all the kids out of the house, Theo graduating college, and Cliff and Claire dancing together. Ending. Growing Pains ended with Maggie getting a tight reporting job in Washington, they move out of the house. Ending. Want more? Mr. Belvedere ended with Mr. Belvedere leaving... you get it.

4) We invested so much in getting to know these characters. They were given too much depth. This is what made this show one of, if not the greatest program ever. That's why I think it's a cop out not to have a resolution of any sort. We deserve to know where they go from here. I refuse to accept that the 86 episodes I watched (yes, all 86) were nothing more than 86 separate 'day in the life of' these people and now my window is closed and I'm left to guess. I watched all the threads not get tied up, all the loose ends go unresolved, and all the non sequitor episodes with the promise that it would end. I defended all these episodes and decisions as part of what made the show so great; the plot points were no where near as important as what they told us about these characters. I feel cheated.

5) Bottom line, Tony should have finished the meal with his family, they should have all gone to their separate cars, Tony should have come out last with a bit of a smile on his face and gotten capped in the back of the head. Then the screen goes black. We only see the gun, but not the shooter. Fulfilling the promise that you never know and it can be over in an instant.

Everyone has high expectations for a series finale, especially a popular one. I think it's a delicate balance between your own vision and giving the fans some satisfaction. The scales were not balanced.

Indy 500

Whatup peoples?

Internets have been hard to come by. I'm in Indianapolis for the last night of a week of shows here. I've been at Morty's Comedy Joint in Indy. Great club, superbly run, and a lot of fun. They do an awesome job of taking care of the comics and run a club the right way. Really cool an encouraging that clubs like this are out there. Shows have all been a lot of fun.

I was on the Bob and Tom radio show on Friday morning. Basically, these guys dominant every 'non major' market around the country. In other words, they are the morning show everywhere that is not New York, DC, Chicago, LA, Tampa, Dallas, Philly, Seattle, San Fran and so forth. Really kickass opportunity for this guy and it was a lot of fun. I was in studio for close to 2 hours. Those guys are awesome. They are funny on their own and they let the comics they have be funny. I hope to get some clips from the show and I'll put them on my 'website' on the 'internet'.

Speaking of my website, I met with internet.org guru Andy Lopresto this past week and we did some work on my site. It's looking good and will soon complete my dominance to the top of internetdom.

Most people already know this, but here is the official announcement...although no one really cares but whatever, screw it.

I am moving to New York at the end of this month. I will be living with my special lady friend and my boy, filthy Hutto, in an apartment on the lower east side of Manhattan. The neighborhood is the tightness. I am going to miss DC a ton and I'll miss all my peeps here even more. You all have a futon to snuggle upon anytime in the windy candy apple.

Dave Attell

Dave Attell stopped by the Improv last night. He did 50 minutes after headliner DC Benny. The crowd was pretty tired by the end of it but there is no denying how good Dave Attell is. Really good. He is so crisp and he gets away with so much because of how good he is. Every other word is funny. Incredible comic.

Everyone is talking about Lebron James dropping 48 points last night. They are talking as though this is his ascension into some uber pantheon and he finally earned all the superlatives that have been bestowed upon him. He had a great game. I think that's where it needs to stop. Vince Carter dropped 50 in a playoff game a few years ago and Allen Iverson has scored more than 50 on a few occasions...I don't remember either of them being anointed the 'king' or having arrived as the 2nd coming of MJ (Carter received some of it because of the UNC similiarity the first couple years of his career but not because he dropped 50 in a game 3 against the 76ers). We need to get over ourselves and calm down a little bit.

I don't know that there are any more talented players in the league or even in the history of the league. The dude cruises to 26 7 and 7 every night. Maybe he's holding out for if/when he gets to play with decent players or for when he leaves Cleveland to play with decent players. Who knows. Maybe he's on cruise control so he can have a longer career. I've heard this a few times. Think about MJ. He literally killed himself to win. Going against the pistons/knicks/pacers etc. Maybe MJ lost a couple seasons. At any rate, Lebron is just a talented player who had a big game 5. Let's relax.

Improv-ing

I'll be at the DC Improv tonight doing some actual improv-ing. It should be fun because improv is fun and fun things are fun.

I went to my good buddy's wedding this past weekend in Memphis. Amazing time and a stunningly beautiful occasion. I mentioned to my colleagues to remember the whole thing and just imagine they were there during my wedding which will likely take place in a high school gymnasium with the spirit squad and 2 members of the high school band as the entertainment...

My final piece of business, is Alex Rodriguez. The dude cheats on his wife. This is no surprise. He probably, as many big leaguers do, has 'road beef' in every city. This is also no surprise. What is a surprise is that he would get caught now, when the jankees are getting their teeth kicked in. Here is an article on how not to cheat...idiot:

http://www.abcnews.go.com/Sports/story?id=3225649&page=1

Home

It's been many moons since my last bloggersons. I'm back from Canadia. I had the most amazing time up there and I feel as though I've grown a lot. This includes the several pounds I put on eating terrible food and not doing anything for 6 weeks.

It's been good to be home seeing all the people and whatnots. I haven't seen a lot of people that I want to see yet and I blame those people in part because they are the people that are hardest to track down in terms of trackable peoples from peopletown. This is a long way of saying that I miss Jon Mumma.

I'm headed to Memphis this weekend for a good friend's wedding. It's going to be sweaty. I will also eat barbeque. I am obsessed with good bbq and I was thoroughly pleased with my 1 trip to Memphis several years ago. I used lots of wet naps. I cannot tell you how much I love wet naps.

More updates to come.

The Final Vlogdown

I'm on my way home now. I had a fantastic trip. The Vancouver Club is just amazing. Here is my final vlog:



Next stop, USA. Word.

Hotel Shabingus Part 2

I fully realize my last Vlog wasn't the most exciting thing I've ever produced. If you didn't like it...then you didn't like it. It had its moments I thought.

I am once again, without a hotel room. I am stone cold chilling in the lobby of the now documented, Blackfoot Inn in Calgary. I fly to Vancouver tomorrow. I am not sure where I'm staying once I get there...I should probably figure that out. This is the last weekend of my trip. I'm excited to finish it both because I'm ready to come home and because this is supposed to be the best weekend on the trip.

I don't have anything else interesting to say.

Vlog the 5th

Video documentary #5, my home base in Calgary:



Word.

Special Day

Today is my special lady friend's birthday. Happy birthday Babes.

Episode 23

People, the 23rd Episode of Buddy Jackson is explosive. Hard to throw enough adjectives at how good this episode really is. Watch it...do it now.

www.buddyjackson.com

Edmonton Video Blog

Here it is. Enjoy...or tolerate at least:



Cannot say enough about how well the Edmonton Club is run. Holler

Edmonton Eh...

Just finished a weekend of shows in Edmonton. I had an awesome time. The club is incredible and the staff was great. Really professional and friendly. Many thanks to Cody and everyone else for an incredible weekend.

The club holds around 375 people and the audiences were really into the show. This is one of those venues where traveling isn't a big deal because the experience is more than worthwhile.

Video blog #4 coming soon.

The Hotel Shabingus

Sometimes comedy sucks. Sometimes it has nothing to do with being on stage, a booking, or even anything to do with performing. Sometimes, it can be something that you have no control over but it can leave you sitting in a hotel lobby with no room and the prospect of taking a $30 cab ride to the other side of town to shell out $150 to stay in a different hotel and then another $40 cab ride to get to the bus station tomorrow morning. Long story short, the hotel that has been my unofficial home away from home, is full this week and they literally don't have any rooms available. So, along with a couple other comics, we're getting kicked out.

No one is at fault here. The Yuk Yuk's folks were kind enough to make a reservation for me at the other hotel. I'm just not stoked about dropping $200 over the next 24 hours. I'm making moves to try and get out of this. A couple of awkward phone calls are in my future...I know you don't know me...but I was hoping that maybe...it would be cool if I slept on your floor...

This is my favorite youtube video of all times. I'm bringing it back. I want you to hear the angst of these guys...I want you to feel the upset...I also want you to imagine what numbers 'Abdul' is crunching...

Video Blog 3: Return of the Revenge of the Return

Hey dudes and non dudes. I'm chilling at the hotel in Calgary until Thursday of this week at which time, I travel to Edmonton. Pretty slow goings in and around the hotel. I found a grocery store that is a substantial walk from the hotel. I bought some snack type foods and even some produce. Those that know me, know full well that going grocery shopping is not something I do. This is a big deal people.

Here's the video blogersons:



In it, I refer to Justin Schlegel as a 'pussy'. Justin is not a pussy. He likes the same stuff I do which makes him a dork...but definitely not a pussy. Ok then.

Snow

It's snowing right now in Calgary. Come on C town, I thought you and me were past this. Seriously bruh. The problem I usually have with weather is that I have a 2 day weather adjustment period. This means that I dress based on what the weather was like 2 days ago. I have no idea why this is but I also know that I cannot fix it. It was around 60 2 days ago in C-gary which meant that your humorist was exceptionally comfortable.

Today, it's about 30, windy and snowy. Cripes.

The last couple nights I've emceed the shows at the Calgary Yuk Yuk's. I might be the best MC in the world. It's what I do. Hokey, cheesy humor, easy applause breaks to get the crowd going ('who's drinking tonight?', 'give it up for the troops', 'how about the (local sports team)?') I hate myself. Look out, I might do the Raptor!

Tomorrow I'm driving to a place called Cranbrook. Every comic I've talked to has pretty much told me that this is an ungood place and the shows tend to honk. I'm actually really excited about this challenge. I need a little bit of a comfort shock. I want to see what I can do.

I have one final story. This feels more like a Jon Mumma story but it happened to me. I went down to the meager fitness center this afternoon. I was in there riding on the bike for about 30 minutes. This complete chooch comes in to work out on the one nautilus machine in the room. It's one of those, 3 in 1 things. You can bench, do pull downs, or rows. That's it. This dude puts the weight at 60 (funnydanny notation, I'm not judging re how much weight someone does. I'm not in my prime...when I was I put up 320 but that's not the point, the point is, do what you do...). He gets under there, with his earbuds in for his iPod...and starts grunting and puffing like he's on the world's strongest man. He fires off 5 reps, and jumps up (about 2 feet from where I am bike riding) and pounds his chest and jumps around like he is about to max out. He stretches out and does that loud breathe out thing where your teeth are closed like you're trying to act serious but no one takes you seriously because you have a bowl cut that your mom gave you where she actually used a bowl.

Anyway, this plumber does this a couple more times. I am torn between amusement and discomfort. I finally exit the room as this guy gets set to do 50 pounds on the rows...I hear him exclaim as I was shutting the door: 'get some!'....unreal. I went upstairs and told the yuk yuk's staff and they all took turns looking at the guy through the window. It was amazing.

Hope you all are doing great. Funny Danny out.

Canada Blog Part 2

This is the 2nd installment of the Canada Tour Blog. I'm having an amazing time up here. I feel like I'm learning a lot about myself. I miss home (hi Babes) and I can't wait to come back. It was awesome having my boy Justin Schlegel up here with me for a week. Anyway, enjoy:



Kelowna is one of the most beautiful places I have ever visited.

Paris
French Alps
Kelowna
Barcelona
Cleveland

in that order...

Video Blog

Here's a video blog I shot of my first week in Canada. Hope this works. Enjoy.



More to come.

Lethbrizzle

Had a 1 nighter in a town called Lethbridge last night. I traveled with an awesome comic and man, Dave Nystrom. He is polished, original, and really funny. Nothing too complex but everything he has is smart. I really enjoyed the trip.

The show itself was at a bar where roughly 1/2 of the people there could give a hot doo doo that there is a comedy show. The other half was really into it. I'm putting together some video of my trip and I hope to have a 'Schlegel-esque' video blog on my new site soon. At the end of my trip, I plan on having a video trip summary or guide for those who would take this journey after me.

Canada has been awesome. I've already learned so much about myself and I feel great about where I'm going as a comic. I have such a long way to go but it's really encouraging to meet guys like Dave that have similar viewpoints about the process of becoming the comic you want to be. There are so many guys that are in such a rush to get booked and to make money or to get a tv set. All those things are fine but they should come from trying to become the best comic you can be. I may completely reinvent myself in the coming future and I'm fine with that. I just hate to see guys that are so in a rush that they neglect their product. I'm funny but that's not enough.

This weekend I'm working with a really funny dude named Sam Easton in Kelowna. Should be a lot of fun...including the 8 hour drives. Canada is not scared to make you drive for a long time.

The Toon....

Had a great show in Saskatoon last night. I'm in a hotel in Regina. It's not pronounced like you'd want it to be pronounced. It's pronounced to rhyme with the special parts of ladies.

I drove 8 hours from Calgary to Saskatoon last night. There is quite literally nothing during those 8 hours. You push seek on the radio dial and the radio went for 3 hours looking for a station. I completely forgot that it was still searching when 'Shot Through the Heart' came bellowing through the speakers. I thought someone was telling me that I was shot. Weird.

Then, out of nowhere, this really cool town of Saskatoon, surrounded by nothing for hours in every direction had an amazing show with over 200 people who were really into comedy. I have no idea how this is possible. I can't think of anything like this in the US. I cannot stress enough how little there was for hundreds of miles in all directions; not even farms; just miles of countryside with frozen water in places.

I have a show tonight at 9:30. Hopefully, I'll have a lot more shows like last night on this trip.

Pizza in Canada has the toppings underneath the cheese. This is good.

There is a chain called 'Boston Pizza'. I never knew Boston as a hotbed for great pizza. Racism and ignorance and unfair comedy contests, yes, but not pizza.

GW Baseball (where I played) is not winning very much. This annoys me. I don't like the fact that they are not good. My class and the year after us, put the program in the right direction. We set the school record for wins 3 times in 5 years and the class after me had 7 guys sign to play pro ball (including Washington National Mike O'Connor). Our coach left and took another job and the new staff really hasn't seemed to recruit very well. This is really sad. If the team had any support from the school, it could have a good field and compete on a high level. We are an almost identical school to Tulane who has been to the college world series. The difference is their tremendous facility. GW will NEVER get anything from me until it supports it's athletic teams. Annoying.

That's all for now.

In the lobby...

of the Blackfoot Inn in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. That's where I am because that is where the internet is. I crashed last night with Justin Schlegel in his room on a pullout couch. It was comfortable because I used my sweatshirt as a pillow. I am a professional comedian. I included this pic of JL Cauvin and me outside the venue at Williams College last year as a reminder that comedy can be painful.

While i'm up here, I'm going to be selling some dvds that I compiled from my week of shows at the Columbus Funny Bone last week. I'm pretty opposed to selling stuff in general but I kind of have to while I'm here to make some money. It's not professionally made but it looks decent. Long story short, I'm selling it for 10 Canadian dollars which is like $83 US at this point.

Schlegel took off this morning for some shows in Edmonton. My first show is tomorrow night in a mythical land called Saskatoon. They have a pretty cool room for a show I'm told. I'm going to try to video tape a lot of stuff and post here and on myspace. Sort of a video travel blog. Some of it might be really boring. If it is, I am sorry.

I need to mention what I think is the best Buddy Jackson episode ever. I couldn't be prouder of it. If you aren't completely satisfied with my Tony Almeida impression then I don't know what to tell you. We even had fight choreography. 'twas the tightness.

I already miss my friends and my lady. It's gonna be tough for me for the next several weeks but that is part of why I am up here. I'm challenging myself to do things that I've never done. I'm getting out of my comfort zone and taking chances. Being in DC and doing 2-3 open mics a week and maybe a booked show per month is nice but it's not enough for me. I'm diving in head first. That's where my mind is.

In other news, I have a devastating fantasy baseball squad. Roto style league where stats are accumulated instead of head to head. Check out the lineup:

C Mike Piazza
1B Paul Konerko
2B Ryan Freel/Freddy Sanchez
SS Miguel Tejada
3B Aramis Ramirez
OF Vladamir Guerrero
OF Grady Sizemore
OF Carl Crawford
Util Jim Thome
Util Frank Thomas
Bn Adam Laroche

SP Daisuke Matsuzaka
SP Scott Kazmir
SP Jeremy Bonderman
SP Dan Haren
SP Tim Hudson
SP Matt Cain
RP Mariano Rivera
RP Jason Isringhausen
RP Takashi Saito
RP Bob Wickman
RP Joel Zumaya

As you can see, I drafted offense early and often. I then went to young 'breakout' starting pitching. My bullpen guys are mostly pretty established and consistent. My worry is Isringhausen who could be a week link because of injuries. I'm looking to acquire one more person who can give me some steals. I expect 40 from Ryan Freel who is playing everyday now, 50 from Carl Crawford, around 20-25 from Sizemore and around 10 from Vlad. That will put me towards the middle of the pack I think. I'd like one more 30 SB guy as I can give up some power...I can give it up because I have a ton of it. At least 30 HRs from Konerko, Tejada, Ramirez, Sizemore, Thome, and Vlad. Laroche hit 32 last year and he's only a spot starter for me. The week link is Piazza. I'm hoping the DH situation in Oakland plays to his advantage and he has a nice year. I'd take .280 and 20 HRs like he hit last year from my catcher spot. All in all, my squad is filthy.

Blame Canada

I'm leaving for Canada tomorrow morning. I'm excited to go and perform for 6 weeks but nervous about leavng my friends and my lady friend for that long. I've never traveled for this long and am a little aprehensive about all the logistics. That said, I'm giddy for the experience. I've got at least 26 shows scheduled over the nex 40 days. I hope to grow as comic and as a boy. I'm going to try and keep things updated and I hope to add new videos on myspace and my site.

Speaking of my website, check it out. www.funnydanny.com It's not totally done yet but I love the new look. Many thanks to Andy LoPresto and Kevin Doran for their work to make it the best ever.

This past week at the Columbus Funny Bone, I had an amazing time. Many thanks to them for the spot and the incredible atmosphere for comedy. I got to work with a couple really funny guys named Jason Dixon (from Kansas City, really polished and funny) and this guy named Bill Burr. If you haven't seen Bill Burr, (to quote Joe Robinson) that's just irresponsible. I don't know that there is anyone out there better than he is right now. Just fantastic. I learned a ton by watching him and I feel like I'm better than when left here last week. The guy controls a room and has everyone on his side despite saying 'controversial' things. I've never seen anyone better at turning 'de-railing' into an applause break back into material...which generates applause breaks. He has fun and it's so clear why he's as good as they come. Cool guy to hang out with too.

Take 'er easy Dude, I know that you will.

-The Dude abides...

My bizzle

Sorry for the blog free week. I've been mostly without internets this week in Columbus. I am now at an internet cafe known as 'Panera' which is exclusive to these parts. Shows this week have been a lot of fun. Bill Burr is phenomenal. I've had an amazing time being a complete tool by constantly telling him how great i think he is. It comes off desperate and clingy. Perfect.

The Funny Bone here in Columbus is an incredible venue. Really cool place to do a show. I've enjoyed it immensely. Everyone has been so great. I wish I could perform here always and also have good jokes to perform with.

The people of this state and this town like the Ohio State Buckeyes. You should not trust anyone from Ohio. Why? At any given time, a person from this state will yell: 'O-H!' and strangers will yell: 'I-O!' There are no words for how ridiculous this is. Bill Burr made fun of it when it happened last night for 10 minutes. In the middle of his set, some chooch yells out the 'O-H' part. Burr, stopped and ripped the guy a new exit. Awesome.

The first show tonight is right in the middle of the Ohio State/Georgetown game. I have no idea how this is going to turn out. High likelyhood of a catastrophic shabingus...

Let's go Hoyas.

Columbus

I'm in sunny Columbus, Ohio for a week of shows at the Columbus Funny Bone. Thursday through Sunday, Bill Burr will be here performing. This is good.

My last day of work was Monday. My boss, who is an awesome guy, also announced he was leaving the company. The point is, the company we worked for was most ungood.

I wouldn't work for them if I were you.
Be careful if you are applying for government positions.
A close study of all the options should be considered.

My last day was kind of anti-climactic. I expected a great release and rush of joy as I triumphantly strolled out of the building. Instead, it felt like a long weekend. I think it hasn't really hit me yet because I have so many things going on. If I was leaving and sitting at home right now winning the 2014 Super Bowl in my Madden franchise today, I think I'd be more excited.

More later this week. First show with headliner Jason Dixon is tonight.

twent twent twenty-four hours to go...

and I leave me job. I'll post pics of what I wear on my last day.

Come to the Drafthouse tonight. Show starts at 9:45. High awesome levels. Like Lionel Ritchie singing at a disco where the Snorks are dancing with the Thundercats.

The Young and the Tight

Come to the Arlington Cinema 'N Drafthouse tomorrow night. I'll be there with some other exceptional comics. I know that implies that I find myself exceptional. Arrogant? Yes, but you are on my blog. There will be much humor there. The people will enjoy this.

Show starts at 9:45. Get tickets and be cool. Eat. Drink. Laugh.

2 days left. LONG lunch today. Around 2 hours. No apologies to anyone.

Coolest thing I have going is that next week, in Columbus, OH, I'll be appearing at the Funny Bone with Bill Burr. He's my favorite comic working right now because he's amazing. The dude has clearly worked so hard and has tons of material. I'm really excited.

You're Special...

Saw a filthy band last night at the Black Cat. They are from Copenhagen, Denmark. They are pictured right.

They are awesome. The down side is that they have the standard 'insert artsy band photo' thing going on. This annoys me. I'm not sure what I'd do differently. I just know that I'd try to avoid this. I've gotten headshots done. I know it's absurd. What gets me is that there is someone in there. When this photo was taken, he/she was all:

'OK, now you squat like you are looking at seashells. You two, peaceful and arrogant at the camera...in the back, you look towards a heavenly body..possibly a constellation. Great. Hold it.'

Anyway, these guys are really good. If you like Arcade Fire, this band could be right in your wheelhouse.

www.buddyjackson.com

That was a non-sequitor.

Do you ever have so much to do that you feel overwhelmed? Do you ever get so overwhelmed that you don't do any of those tasks? If that was a job, I'd be the CEO. Rory Scovel would be on my staff. He'd be in charge of our 'hiding from problems division.' I'd be in charge of all of it. The 'Feeling awkward when there's arguing' division, 'phone calls not made because I hate talking to strangers' division, the 'non confrontations' department.

3 days left. I'm on jokes.

I'm an idiot. The band pictured is called 'Mew'.