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Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Life Expectancy of the Ladies

This story from the Washington Post:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/04/21/AR2008042102406.html?hpid=topnews

Interesting stuff. It basically says that the life expectancy for women in 1000 or so counties around the US, has gone down for the first time in 100 years. In 1918, there was a tough case with the Spanish Influenza. La influenza del Espana pretty much took American women (and everyone else) to the woodshed. The death rate was so high that it lowered the average age where people died. This would not be the last evil thing to come from Spain. It was shortly thereafter that a thing called 'tapas' came to the US and once again targeted women.

This bizarre concept of communal food sharing continues to plague our society to this day. If you are not familiar with this bizarre epidemic, read on. Chicks go to a restaurant on purpose where portions are small and overpriced. They then order several dishes and pass them around. Because the dishes are small, chicks do not feel like piggies when they clean all the plates. No one can be sure of how much each girl ate so there is less judgement. If Michelle ordered a normal portion of food at a restaurant, cleaned her plate, she'd be thought of as a fatty mcfattersons. At tapas, Michelle can blend in along with Mary Margaret, Jen, Sarah, Sara, Sierra and also Sarah B (that's what we call her because there are like so many Sarahs!). It doesn't end here. They also order expensive drinks like sangria and are always a little shocked when the bill comes. "Can we split this up equally on the 6 different cards?"

Worse yet, men are often dragged into the equation. There are 2 kinds of men in the world. Tapas dudes (metro-sexuals, guys who believe that it's cool to eat tapas and they want to be cool so they do it - these are the same guys that wear blazers to bars and take their game with ladies very seriously, homosexuals, brow-beaten boyfriends who can either go or get in an argument,
and guys that don't know what tapas is only to be stunned at the process and vow never to come back) and non tapas dudes. What will often occur is as follows:

-Men will decide on tight dishes (steak, chicken, seafood, potato...other hearty fare etc.)
-Chicks decide on untight dishes (kelp, seaweed, chick peas, sprouts, tofu, beets, cabbage, broccoli, radish, kale, squash, zucchini, okra, lentils, leek, shallots, artichoke, parsnip, skirret, turnip, parsnip, yacon, eggplant, soybean, fennel, celery, jicama...etc.)
-Food arrives. Dudes have no interest in untight dishes and seek to get full off of the limited portions of tight food.
-Chicks assume that everyone wants to share everything (deep down, they know...they have to know. Really? You thought I'd take a portion of the beet salad and the kale with shallots instead of the steak and mashed potatoes? Sure you did.). Dudes are forced to eat less tightness and try to eat the fish food. Chicks are happy because they didn't order 'fatty' things but got to eat them anyway. Dudes are miserable because they are still hungry, or the alternative is they have to order more food and are now into the restaurant for $100 because everyone should pay the same amount for that extra bottle of wine when you only had 1 beer.
-Dudes don't say anything because seggs is likely to follow.
-Chicks think this was a great outing

I know you see the correlation. You have to. Women are dying because of tapas....what's that? It's not...it's obesity?...No I know that but I was....no you're right....no I know it's not responsible reporting...I'm not actually a rep....no...OK...so it's smoking and fat people in rural areas that don't exercise?...So they needed a study to tell you that it's bad for you to...yeah I know...wow...get the peace prize ready...no that was a a joke...what do you mean you expect better from a comic?...real nice thing to say...yeah whatever....see you Christmas.

Don't do drugs or tapas.

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