Legos and Some Useful Software

Hey readers,

A couple things for your perusal. 1st, a buddy of mine living in San Fran has launched a really cool piece of software available through the interwebs. It's free and really useful. As I understand it, you can select data and a region of the world and that produces a real time, 3D, video of the data. Pretty awesome. Check out the website:

http://www.uuorld.com/

This may go down as the single biggest waste of time in human history. I cannot even fathom how long and difficult this must have been to create. My mind is boggled:



Shot for shot people.

Come see me at the Baltimore Comedy Factory on Thursday and Friday. Then, come and see me at the Bethesda Hyatt on Saturday night.

Bye.

New York Is Awesome

Here's why:

I went to a show on Saturday night. It's called 'The Drink at Work Show'. It's run by some cool people. It's at the downstairs lounge at Comix, which is a pretty cool club. Anyway, after a couple funny comics went up, the host said the following:

"OK, this next guy...well...you have literally seen him everywhere. He's been on Comedy Central, a bunch of movies, he had a show...you know what? He's just super awesome...please welcome Jim Gaffigan!"

Jim Gaffigan. In a room that holds 27 people, Jim Gaffigan rolled in and did new material. First off, if you don't know of this man, it's irresponsible. He has to be mentioned in any conversation about best comics today as well as best of all time. He was working on some new stuff. It was funnier than your new stuff. Not an insult.

At the end of the show, this group, closed it out. Huge treat for yours truly as I was a fan of them before I moved up here.

The more I'm here, the more it feels like I am in the right place.

Shooting yaeger with Yaweh...

I Talked To Larry Poon!...and Some Shows

Check out an interview with me on the really cool DC Comedy 4 Now blog. This is a great thing that some of the best young comics in the DC area have put together as a kind of online hub for the scene in the DC area. They do a great job and they have lots of contributors who are good people.

The interview with me is about some of the differences between the scenes in DC and New York.

So check it. It's good.

http://dccomedy4now.blogspot.com/

Speaking of New York, I've got some shows coming up here. Here they are:

Saturday the 22nd at 6:00 PM, I'm on the show at Ochi's Lounge which is located at Comix here in New York. It's free and an awesome show with some of the coolest young comics in the world. you should come.

Thursday the 27th at 9:00 PM, I'm at Broadway Comedy Club. There is a cool mix on this show of little people like me and big people who are always on things like: 'tv' and 'comedy stages'. You should come to that. Let me know if you plan to. The link above is to the schedule.

Friday the 28th at 6:30 PM, I'm at Gotham Comedy Club. This is another 'new talent' show. I'm a new talent. Well, I'm new to them anyway. Again, let me know if you are going.

I have more stuff after that but it would just sound like bragging right now.

Holler

NFL Free Agency Cinema

Every year, the NFL shuffles the deck and teams get new cards. In this eternal poker game, we all know that each team will again ask for new cards after the season ends. This, my friends, is a metaphor. 4.5 years of college in all your mouthpieces.

Now, some simile action. NFL free agent signings as movies. NFC today, AFC...later.

Giddyup,

Arizona Cardinals: Travis Laboy, Jerame Truman.
Movie: Drillbit Taylor. These signings are sure to snap the Cardinals out of that pesky funk that has only lasted...since I was alive. Paging Neil Lomax...Now I like Owen Wilson, he made Bottle Rocket. I will just say that this doesn't look the flick you need to get involved in coming off a depression/self check out period.

Atlanta Falcons: Erik Coleman, Simon Fraser, Ben Hartsock, Von Hutchins, Rashad Moore, Kindal Moorehead, Chris Redman, Michael Turner
Movie: 'The Hottie and the Nottie'. Paris Hilton is a name. Michael Turner is a name. Doesn't mean I would pay $ to see either. Thanks Mr. Petrino!

Carolina Panthers: Muhsin Muhammad, LaBrandon Toefield, Keydrick Vincent, Landon Johnson, Ricardo Colclough
Movie: 'You Got Served'. Picture this: the entire Carolina Panthers roster, staff, and ownership shows up to a mall parking lot in Tampa. No one else is there to great them. They all look around with confusion until Jake Delhomme finally pipes up: 'I thought we were gonna serve those guys?....Man, f&%# John Gruden!'

Chicago Bears: Marty Booker, Brandon Lloyd.
Movie: 'Epic Movie'. You want to know why those 'movie parody movies' get made? Because someone out there goes to see them. You want to know why underproducing wide receivers get signed every year and then teams are surprised when their knew player quits on them when he gets yelled at for being the most selfish person alive ever? I can't answer that but I hate Brandon Lloyd like I hate bad cheese.

Dallas Cowboys: Zach Thomas
Movie: 'No Country for Old Men'. Get it? Zach Thomas is old! Ha! But seriously, awesome flick for the 1st hour and a half (8 years) but the ending was confused (concussed) and unfulfilling (no playoff wins in 13 years.) Best picture my a$.

Detroit Lions: Dwight Smith, Brian Kelly, Michael Gaines
Movie: 'Police Academy: Mission to Moscow'. You knew it would suck right? You didn't go see a Police Academy in the theater after 3 right? You learned your lesson right? Right!?!?!?

Green Bay Packers:
Movie: 'Semi-Pro'. Has anyone seen Will Ferrell promoting this movie? 2 weeks ago, he was on ESPN, Comedy Central and NBC at the exact same time. BTW, has anyone written anything about Brett Favre's retirement?

Minnesota Vikings: Madieu Williams, Bernard Berrian, Maurice Hicks Thomas Tapeh
Movie: 'Back to the Future Part II'. If we get a lanky receiver and a mobile QB it will produce the same magic. Guaranteed. It's a lock. What's that? Fans of the 1st version don't acknowledge the 2nd? Whoops.

New Orleans Saints: Dan Morgan, Randall Gay, Bobby McCray
Movie: 'Vantage Point'. There are stars, it's a great concept, but you know it won't be as good as advertised. You get a corner off a great team, a great DE, and you upgrade your LB. Anyone think the Saints will have a great D?

New York Giants: Sammy Knight
Movie: 'Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest'. We got the whole gang back together. This one can't miss. See you at 9-7 in the Super Bowl Hangover year.

Philadelphia Eagles: Asante Samuel, Chris Clemens
Movie: 'The Truman Show'. For a while, it cost $20 million to get Jim Carey. The thing is, he wasn't happy doing what earned him the right to get $20 million. He wanted to do other things. Samuels hated that whole 'winning all the time thing'. Sign me up!

San Francisco 49ers: J.T. O'Sullivan, Allen Rossum, Justin Smith, Isaac Sopoaga, Dontarrious Thomas, Deshaun Foster, Isaac Bruce
Movie: 'The Other Boleyn Girl'. Listen, this flick has 2 girls who will be in my perennial top 5 until I expire. There is no chance I see this movie. I would love to have Justin Smith. See where I'm going?

Seattle Seahawks: TJ Duckett, Julius Jones, Jeb Putzier, Mike Wahle
Movie: 'Godfather II'. Michael has to deal with Connie. So too must the Seahawks deal with Sean Alexander. The women must be protected even to the detriment of the family. Get the reference? It's because he falls down and ruins fantasy teams. I hate you Connie Alexander.

St. Louis: Josh Brown, Anthony Becht, Jacob Bell
Movie: 'College Road Trip'. Having Martin Lawrence, who made a name for himself as a filthy comic on Def Jam, starring in Family Comedies makes as much sense as being the 2nd worst team in the NFL bringing in 0 help.

Tampa Bay: Jeff Faine, John Gilmore, Leon Joe, Teddy Lehman, Matt McCoy, Ben Troupe, Jimmy Wilkerson
Movie: 'Funny Games'. A really cool premise but we're missing maybe one more star aren't we? The 9-7 team that should have beaten the Giants is standing pat and bringing in some role players. Nice idea except that their key guys are 87 years old or they are underachieving injury prone young guys. For the record, Naomi Watts is not injury prone.

Washington Redskins:
Movie: 'Zombie Nation'. Why? 2-fold. Fold 1: They brought in nobody, it's like a graveyard. Fold 2: Zombie Nation is rated the #1 worst movie of all time on imdb.com. This heavily flawed team with the worst owner in pro sports re-signed 3 of their own guys. New coach Jim Zorn might be a zombie. No one knows.

Tune in for more later.

Ryan Conner Update

Hey peeps. Ryan Conner has an update on the situation with his brother. It seems like things are looking up a bit. You can read about it here: http://www.ryanconnercomedy.com/blogger.html

It basically seems that there is some due process here after all so we may just see some good happen yet. Thanks so much to those of you that I know who have reached out to media outlets. The most recent update here is that Ryan and his family, at the advice of their attorney, have asked that they stay away from media attention until after Monday when the case worker will rule on Ryan's brother's case. The reasoning is that there is no need to agitate the person who is in a position to do the right thing. If that, for some reason, doesn't go well, I think we'll all welcome a 3 ring media circus.

I know Ryan appreciates all the support. I'll keep you all posted.

Now to something that made me smile:



Obi-kenobi! I love it.

Please Help

Friends, this is a re-post of a really important and urgent story from my good friend Ryan Conner. Please take the time to read it. I would urge anyone who thinks they can help to take action. I wrote a note to my Congressman in Virginia (Jim Moran) and plan on calling today. A beloved member of Ryan's family's life is at stake.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Please Help My Brother

I was minutes away from writing a blog of funny observations, until I just received a distressed call from my mom. Instead, I'll be writing about something that is important.
It is very important to pay attention to what our government does. Many are apathetic, which is appalling, as its actions have consequences for all of us. Many who aren't apathetic only read the headlines. It is to those people that politicians use buzz-words and propaganda, namely fear-mongering, to get their vote.
Several issues of the day I find absolutely offensive. Because if everyone would just think through them, instead of acting on instinct, out of fear, then they would not be issues at all. These are all humanist issues, such as health care and immigration.
Let me just say that I've had at least nine friends serve in Iraq. One was killed. What happened this morning offends me much more. The pandering to a political base has hurt my family deeply, and possibly gravely.

Before I get into details, allow me to state that I'm not blaming this issue on the president himself. He cares deeply about the issue. The problem is that he seems to be the only person in his administration who has a conscience on this matter. And his isn't strong enough to speak out against the position of his party during an election year, when pandering equals votes.

I have 11 brothers. My parents are very compassionate people. They adopted four of my brothers at the same time, three and a half years ago. Their plan was to adopt a girl, but they saw four siblings, the sons of a drug-addict and prostitute, who were scared that they would be split up. My parents couldn't accept that. On the spot, they said they wanted to adopt all four. They didn't think about how they would raise another four kids at their ages. They only thought about how they could save these kids' lives. They have succeeded in doing so.
I have one biological brother, two step, and one half. I'm not going to talk about them here. Just wanted to straighten out the math for you. Here is a picture of all but one of us.


My other three brothers are Asian, as you can see from the picture. The shortest and lightest is Phong. He was a Vietnamese immigrant. He grew up in Saigon in a well-to-do family. When given the opportunity to immigrate, he came to the United States, while his mother went to Belgium. The other short Vietnamese brother is Ut. His story is very long, heart-wrenching and inspiring. I'll abbreviate, because this isn't about him. He lived in absolute poverty, in a village on the east coast of Vietnam. When he was 10-12, his mother paid a man to take he and his brother and sister to a refugee camp in Thailand. They were captured soon-after by the Viet-Cong. Facing execution, my brother escaped and navigated the Vietnamese jungle, by himself, bare-foot, until he arrived in Thailand and was directed to a refugee camp. Two years later, my family would welcome him as one of us. That was February 2, 1988. Now, 20 years later, he's an American citizen, an owner of a small, prospering business, and is proof that the United States is a great country.
Phong and Ut were introduced to my family through a great organization called Catholic Charities. Through the same organization, my parents also sponsored four entire Vietnamese families in their immigration to our country. This involved the families living with us, usually for a couple months each, until the kids were in school, the adults had jobs, and they could find a house of their own. We would continue to spend time with them over the years. One of the families had four kids. Two were 5-year-old twins, Thai-An and Than-An. The older siblings graduated from Virginia Tech. One is a mechanical engineer. The other works in biotechnology, I believe. Thai-An and Than-An were high-school valedictorians, and are now attending UVA on academic scholarships. If they didn't come here, they would have lived out their lives in thatch huts. Once again, proof that we live in a great country.
The taller Asian brother in the picture is Dong. He is Chinese. I've never been asked the question, but if someone was to say, "Who are your heroes or role-models?" I would have to respond that they are Ut and Dong. What my parents have done in changing so many lives is admirable, but I see it as doing what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to look out for other people. I don't see it as extraordinary, only right. Everyone should do it. Ut and Dong have overcome long odds, and have accomplished things that are absolutely awe-inspiring.
During the summer of 1994, Catholic Charities rang again, saying they had three Chinese refugees who didn't have a home. My parents offered to take care of all three until homes were found for two, and to take care of one unconditionally. Dong was the one who stayed. And I'm glad. I couldn't have asked for a better brother.
The only problem with Dong's immigration was that it was illegal. He was only 15-years-old, and didn't know it was illegal. His family was lied to by a Chinese human-smuggling mafia, called The Snake-Heads. Nevertheless, he was deemed a criminal. A child criminal who made no illegal decisions himself.
Illegal immigrants come across our borders from Latin American countries every day. Sometimes they are deported. And sometimes they return. That's because although they live in impoverished countries, at least their countries are free. Their countries do not punish them for wishing to lead a better life. This is an aside, but instead of building a fence, why don't we use that money to help bolster the Mexican economy to make their country a place that everyone doesn't want to leave?
Although the US government treats all illegal immigrants the same, they are not the same. Mexicans swim the Rio Grande. If they make it, they get whatever job they can find, and they are able to provide for their families. Immigrating from China isn't as simple. The Snake-Heads offer to send people to the US legally, offering all the necessary paperwork. It's only $20,000 USD, which is a small fortune in China. Dong's Chinese parents desperately wanted him to live a life free of Chinese communist oppression. They wanted him to have basic human rights. So they sent him to the US, after a down-payment of $10,000. The only problem was the astronomical interest rate on the remaining balance.
Dong and I shared a room and were in the same grade. When he arrived, he spoke less than 10 words of English, but read a few more words. He didn't find it acceptable to not be able to read English, considering that school would be starting up in two months. So, he borrowed a John Steinbeck novel from me, either Of Mice and Men or The Pearl. I don't remember which one. And he sat there for hours each day, Steinbeck in one hand, and an English-Chinese dictionary in the other, until he finished the book in time for school. I have never seen anyone show so much dedication to bettering themselves. I wish it inspired me as much then as it does now.
Dong was in ESL classes, except for math and health/p.e.. He was only 15, but knew calculus. They don't offer higher math in ESL. He got straight As. He read every day. He did whatever he could do to better himself.
During this entire year, he was dealing with INS (Immigration and Naturalization Services, now ICE), trying to sort out his immigration status. The sad part is that had he come from a different oppressive regime, he would have been granted political asylum immediately. However, due to our trade with China, we will not grant political asylum to Chinese immigrants.
During the summer of 1995, Dong was notified that his parents had fallen behind on the payments, due to the interest. The Snake-Heads gave him an ultimatum. Come work for them, or his entire family in China would be murdered. Sounds illegal, right? There is no prosecution of the Snake-Heads in China. And conveniently, none in the US either. He had no choice but to work for them to pay off his debt. With the same calm that he has demonstrated through every step of his naturalization, he left to work for the Snake-Heads in The Bronx. For the next three years, his lawyer would continue to work for his Green Card, while he was a slave in NYC. My family could do nothing but sit back and wait.
I talked to him almost every week that he worked in the Bronx. Along with about 12 other people in the same position, Dong worked in Chinese restaurant for 18 hours each day, 364 days a year. He had New Year's Day off. They slept in a studio apartment above the restaurant. The apartment was dead-bolted from the outside so that no one could escape. Dong would find time to sneak away to a pay-phone at night to call my parents and I. He always sounded like he was in good spirits. Even when he got robbed at gunpoint, which happened multiple times, once just after getting off the phone with me. The first year, he even sent me a birthday card from his slave quarters. I still have it.
After three years, his debt was paid off, however he was still kept as a slave, unable to leave. When he was assured that his family in China was safe, he planned an escape. He called my parents around 8pm, and asked them to pick him up in Times Square at 1AM. I guess he figured that if he held a camera, he would fit in in Times Square and the Snake-Heads wouldn't find him.
Upon returning to Northern Virginia, he immediately got his G.E.D. While his naturalization case continued, he went to college. Unable to acquire loans because of his status, he paid for it out of his pocket. He excelled and got every networking certification imaginable, including the top Cisco certification, which at the time would have landed him a starting salary around 125K. However, due to his immigration status, he wasn't able to get that job. Unabated, he continued to study everything about networking. He studied for hours every day, preparing for when he could actually use his skills. I didn't even understand the titles of some of the books, and I was studying Computer Science at George Mason at the time, albeit only for a semester.
In 2002, due to the immigration crackdowns after 9/11, a deportation order was issued. He had not committed a crime. The Snake-Heads committed the crime, however were not prosecuted. He paid taxes. Got an education. He wanted to be an American, but was denied.
His lawyer filed an appeal. As the appeals process started, our Congressman, Tom Davis, pushed for and successfully got a Green Card for another constituent in the exact same position. My mom and Dong wrote to him. His reply stated that he had already done it for one person and that should be enough.
I haven't yet stated the importance of Dong not being deported. This is the issue. If he is sent back to China, he will be obtained, tortured and executed for treason. That's why this is so important. My brother did nothing wrong and is facing a possible execution if the US government, to whom he has paid taxes for years, doesn't stand up for him.
After being rejected by Tom Davis, my mom wrote to a Congressman who had been a family friend for about 40 years. This guy, Virgil Goode, used to be a good person. Now, if you Google him, you'll see that he's probably the most hate-filled, intolerant member of Congress. Another Congressman, Mark Kennedy, from Minnesota, tried to help. He was a great guy, but was unable to do anything because Dong wasn't his constituent. He said Davis had to be the one to do it. He even talked to Davis, but Davis refused. So, Mark Kennedy:1, Davis:0, Goode:0.
With no Congressional help, it was time for Dong's case to go to trial. On the morning before the trial, his lawyer was murdered. His body was later found in Rock Creek Park. The Snake-Heads did it, but the case was marked as "unsolved." The trial was delayed.
The appeal had been processing for years. Everything looked great when President Bush presented his immigration reform proposal. It would have provided Dong with a Green Card, which would spare his life. However, the Republican establishment would have none of his proposal. It was dead on arrival.
Then McCain and Kennedy co-sponsored reform that would have done the same thing. It did not get passed either, due to receiving no Republican support in the Senate, other than Hagel, McCain, Specter, Lugar, and I think Olympia Snowe. Not enough to override a filibuster.
My family was devastated when this legislation didn't pass. But a few months ago, it seemed that it didn't matter. Dong was granted a worker's permit, which was sure to lead to a Green Card. I can't say that I was ever more excited than when I heard that news.
Now that the campaign is in full-swing, even McCain has turned his back on illegal immigrants. It is shocking. And with orders from the top, the Department of Homeland Security has begun to deport illegals at alarming rates, a sure election-year tactic. Dong seemed to be in the clear, because of his worker's permit.
My mom called this morning with different news. Dong was arrested at his house at 6AM by DHS officials, and taken into custody. He called my mom and told her not to worry about him. He insisted that everything would be fine. We all know what will happen if he's sent back to China. The US Government knows. Anyone who wants to know, knows. South Park did an episode about this. The information is out there, but ignored.
Not only was he taken into custody, but they won't tell him, or my family, where he'll be held, for how long, why, or anything. All they'll say is that his earlier deportation order trumps his work permit. My mom hasn't been able to speak to any DHS official, only voicemail. Dong wasn't able to speak to his lawyer directly. But the lawyer was given the order to do whatever he has to do.
The irony of this is that there are millions of American criminals in this country. There are countless Americans who hate the country. There are tens of millions of Americans who don't know how lucky they are to live here. They take it all for granted. There are also thousands of illegal immigrants who are criminals. Millions of illegal immigrants don't pay taxes. Dong was arrested this morning because he does everything by the book. That's how DHS knew where he was. He pays taxes. The government knows who he is and where he is, because he pays taxes. He never hid anything because he's trusted the government to do the right thing. Dong does everything a citizen should do, and he's been prosecuted, while the murderous Snake-Heads roam free.
This could have been prevented if the Republicans in Congress had followed President Bush's lead and passed immigration reform that was in the best interests of humanity. Instead, my brother, Sun Tao Dong, an example of what all Americans should strive to be, now faces a possible execution. We are a government that speaks out against political imprisonment, but are aiding and abetting to a political murder. All this because of politicians who would rather win the votes of intolerant ethnocentrists, than serve the better interests of all people.

Podcast Bot 4000

Brand new podcast is up on my website. My buddy Ryan Conner and I recorded a show on the road to a far away land. Enjoy:

http://www.funnydanny.com/media.php

You can also view the other stuff on this page. Don't limit yourself. Life is short.

Later.

Socialism

I stink at being social with people. I am a hermity homebody that wants to go to a show, perform, then go home to play video games. I like my friends and e'reethang, but I don't have much fun in groups where I don't know people. Some of my boys are the opposite.net. My boy Michel for instance, you can drop that dude anywhere and within 48 seconds, he will have established a common ground and charmed the pants off of every person in the room. He likes it. Meeting new people is fun for him. Not me.

I don't know whether is social anxiety, laziness, a lack of patience or what. I do know that the biggest challenge I have faced since moving to New York to pursue comedy full time hasn't been the comedy...wait, did that just come off like: 'I know I'm amazing at comedy, it's not that. It's some other thing unrelated to my awesomeness...'? Fine. I'm amazing at comedy. Whatevs. Anyway, the hardest thing hasn't been performing. When I've gotten up, by enlarged, I've done fine. It's the other stuff. It's getting to know the people that book the rooms, where to go, who to talk with, who to avoid. The 'getting my name out there' has been the most daunting thing by far.

I thought that once I got myself on tv, I'd be totally set. Hello everyone. Please line up in an orderly fashion and I'll deal with your booking offerings one at a time. Hasn't happened. Far from it. In fact, nothing has happened. No one cares. I did more for myself in this scene last night by going to 2 shows an not performing. I just hung out...hanged out? I was there hanging out, I will hang out, we hung out...I hang...ed? Weird.

But that's what happened. I went and I talked to people. I hated every second of it. I wanted to perform and then leave. It's not that the people I was talking to were awful or something. Far from it. There are some really great guys up here who are in the exact spot I'm in. I talked to a bunch of them last night. It's just that it's the part I hate. There are some comics who can just go to show after show, pack-dogging the booker until they score a spot. I can't. Well, I can I guess, I just don't want to. It's like pulling teeth. Well, I pulled a tooth last night. Hopefull I can do it some more and make use of my time in NYC.

As for the picture, that is Melkor addressing Ungoliant from the Silmarillion. Melkor was Sauron's superior and one of the 1st born of the world. Ungoliant was the mother of Shelob (giant spider that Frodo and Sam face in Mordor) and the weaver of darkness...as in she spun actual darkness. I chose it because I feel like Melkor sometimes in that I kind of sing my own tune and I could exist in harmony with the other 1st born of the world but I don't. I choose to employ a demon to spin darkness instead. The parallel is there; you just have to want to see it.

F-ing Matt Damon...a Response

Normally, I think Jimmy Kimmel should be typing this blog and I should be doing his show. I have to admit though, this cracked me up. The amount of celeb appearances is staggering:



No way I could get those guys to post for a funny video I wanted to do. I have no pull. Whatever.

Celeb Justice

America is obsessed with celebrities. Celeb news has replaced actual news and it's absurd. There are these 'news shows' that are literally completely dedicated to reporting things like rehab stints, weight gains, and dining locations of stars. It's embarrassing. No one has ever said it better than this:





I know I haven't said anything new here. My only distinction I like to throw up there is that I don't actually mind someone being famous if they've accomplished something. Acting in a movie is an accomplishment. It's not an amazing one, but it's something. Being a singer or actor isn't as cool as say, this:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/19/science/19carb.html?_r=2&oref=slogin&oref=slogin

What I really hate is when someone is famous for no reason, then uses said fame to do things that others can't. So when Heidi Montage makes a music video and sells on itunes, that is literally stopping a deserving artist from getting air time. The morbid fascination that we have with talentless people that have been thrown in our faces never ceases to amaze me. Reality tv participants have agents and I can't get a call back.

Example: Lindsay Lohan has been in movies. Before she was a gong show on stilts, she was in the Parent Trap. She had talent. Now, she hasn't used it well and hasn't gotten much better, but you know what? I have no problem with her being famous.

Paris Hilton: She participated in seggsual acts on videotape. She is the daughter of a rich dude. She has since parlayed this into a multinational corporation on her own (clothing, handbags, shoes, music career, movies and tv appearances). This is a steaming load of bull-shite delivered to every front door in a wicker basket.

It is certainly a bit excessive how we obsess over the 'Bradjelinas', the Cruise wives, and all the rest. I can kind of forgive that because they've all done something with their lives. They all worked before they got big. They put in some dues; not the same kind of dues as lots of us, but they worked. Hacks like this b*tch on the right have literally had fame thrust upon them and they are milking it for all that's worth. The lead story on the news for months last year was Anna Nicole Smith and what was going to happen to her bastard child.

She posed naked. She got fat then lost wait. This was after the gold digging cologen unit married a 100 year old dude that couldn't walk. Ask yourself: why did I care?

Roundabout Way and Fidel

How do you ask for something you know you don't deserve but really want? How do you ask someone to go out of their way to give you something that they are under no obligation to give you? I don't know how to do this. Nonetheless, I want to be included. Let's go to Mexico.


In real news, Fidel Castro (473), has announced that he will retire as 'President' of Cuba. The Washington Post said so: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/02/19/AR2008021900147.html?hpid=topnews

All it took was the US 50-some years of passive aggressive nagging to get him to retire. Hear that Kim Jong? We are so coming for you. This man will ultimately go down as one of the biggest thorns in the collective side of the United States. He literally opposed us at every turn and has never made it easy for us. This defiant sum-b*tch sat there, 40 miles off our borders thumbing his nose at us every day. Cuba, who's GDP is less than the combined salaries of 40 something Major League baseball players who have defected, has stood as our enemy for decades. Terrible dude...Whoever put him in power was a moron...what's that? We did? Really? When?....Oh yeah, then the bay thing with the...yeah...the missiles and whatnot...awkward.

The impact from Castro's departure remains to be seen but I can tell you one repercussion. I am losing $5. I bet my mom that he would end his term in office via assassination. She went with 'other'. Pisses me off that I'm wrong. Also, please note that the photo of him above was airbrushed.

STUNNING

Fubu (maybe FUBU...no one knows). If you are a comic in the DC area, know a DC comic or go to any shows with any frequency, you will hear this story in the coming days. I was there. I still cannot believe it. Wow. There are no photos and I can't find a weblink for this guy. Giddyup

I went to Wiseacres in Tyson's Corner on Wednesday night. I haven't been there (outside from stopping by to pick up a tape from someone for 3 minutes) since January of 2005. I'm not going to put why in public space. Ask me if you care. Things have changed now. Andy Kline, Randolph T, and Rob Maher are running the open mic now. I'm totally on board with that. It's a good spot again. Still a lot of comics, but still. Good for those guys.

A bunch of my buddies are there. After a few of us had gone up, a particularly ATROCIOUS comic went up. His 5 minutes was, to be kind, embarrassing, crass, disgusting, and offensive. He wasted everyone's time. Throughout his racist and overtly graphic sexual items (I can't call it material), the comics in the room quietly groaned and exchanged glances as if to see: 'man is this really bad'. He had a clownish appearance.

Picture how you would mock someone that aspired to dress like Kevin Federline but was unable to afford to do so. He wore a hat sideways with a zip up sweatshirt that was open. He was very Vanilla Ice. Now, many of you might not know this but those of you that do will agree, this dude was an incredible bama. A tremendous bama of epic proportions. Sometimes, people can debate over whether or not a certain person is a bama. Fubu should be a starting point. What a terrible dude. The clothing line FUBU stands for 'For Us By Us'...Fubu at Wiseacres was a white guy from somewhere in VA. In comedy, the most bamafied thing you can do is to give yourself a stage name that isn't related to your own name. Unless Fubu's real name is 'Funderburke Burger', it's so awful I can't even think straight.

He referred to himself as a 'Wigger'. Allow me a quick moment here to editorialize. That wombo (word combo) is as offensive (if not more so) than the actual N-word. It should never be used under any circumstances. Instead, use 'Wack' (white black).

Back to the tale. The merciful end to his set was upon us. We were all grateful. We had no idea what was to come next.

Fubu: 'Before I get outta here, y'all ever heard of the floating penis bit? Aiiight...'

Fubu takes the microphone out of the stand. He unscrews the chord and takes it into the crowd; holding it aloft. (note, this is someone's bit. I can't remember who's but it's not original.) He goes a way into the crowd. The comics are all rolling their eyes and are looking around waiting for this to be over...then...HE LEFT. I don't mean he left the stage. I mean, HE LEFT THE CLUB. Gone.

He took the mic and left the club. For a second, everyone is stunned. Then a couple of guys ran out to the hallway to see if they could find him. Fubu was gone. Luckily, Andy and the club had another mic and the show went on, with everyone taking shots at Fubu. What a douche! I saw it and I still can't believe it happened.

I really hope that Wiseacres presses charges. I think there was a guy shooting video. Evidence b*tches. I want Fubu to pay for what he is, not for what he did. I mean wow.

It's So Important for Hillary to Lose

I cannot stress how important this is. This is only 1 EXAMPLE of why Hillary Clinton in office would be a disaster. She is the worst. If you have any inclination of voting for her, please, I beg you, please do a little research. This story from the WALL STREET JOURNAL is just the tip of the iceberg.

The article is pasted below. Again, please, this is so important.

The Clintons' Terror Pardons

By DEBRA BURLINGAME
February 12, 2008; Page A17

It was nearly 10 p.m. on New Year's Eve, 1982. Two officers on New York Police Department's elite bomb squad rushed to headquarters at One Police Plaza, where minutes earlier an explosion had destroyed the entrance to the building. Lying amid the carnage was Police Officer Rocco Pascarella, his lower leg blasted off.

"He was ripped up like someone took a box cutter and shredded his face," remembered Detective Anthony Senft, one of the bomb-squad officers who answered the call 25 years ago. "We really didn't even know that he was a uniformed man until we found his weapon, that's how badly he was injured."

About 20 minutes later, Mr. Senft and his partner, Richard Pastorella, were blown 15 feet in the air as they knelt in protective gear to defuse another bomb. Detective Senft was blinded in one eye, his facial bones shattered, his hip severely fractured. Mr. Pastorella was blinded in both eyes and lost all the fingers of his right hand. A total of four bombs exploded in a single hour on that night, including at FBI headquarters in Manhattan and the federal courthouse in Brooklyn.

The perpetrators were members of Armed Forces of National Liberation, FALN (the Spanish acronym), a clandestine terrorist group devoted to bringing about independence for Puerto Rico through violent means. Its members waged war on America with bombings, arson, kidnappings, prison escapes, threats and intimidation. The most gruesome attack was the 1975 Fraunces Tavern bombing in Lower Manhattan. Timed to go off during the lunch-hour rush, the explosion decapitated one of the four people killed and injured another 60.

FALN bragged about the bloodbath, calling the victims "reactionary corporate executives" and threatening: "You have unleashed a storm from which you comfortable Yankees can't escape." By 1996, the FBI had linked FALN to 146 bombings and a string of armed robberies -- a reign of terror that resulted in nine deaths and hundreds of injured victims.

On Aug. 7, 1999, the one-year anniversary of the U.S. African embassy bombings that killed 257 people and injured 5,000, President Bill Clinton reaffirmed his commitment to the victims of terrorism, vowing that he "will not rest until justice is done." Four days later, while Congress was on summer recess, the White House quietly issued a press release announcing that the president was granting clemency to 16 imprisoned members of FALN. What began as a simple paragraph on the AP wire exploded into a major controversy.

Mr. Clinton justified the clemencies by asserting that the sentences were disproportionate to the crimes. None of the petitioners, he stated, had been directly involved in crimes that caused bodily harm to anyone. "For me," the president concluded, "the question, therefore, was whether their continuing incarceration served any meaningful purpose."

His comments, including the astonishing claim that the FALN prisoners were being unfairly punished because of "guilt by association," were widely condemned as a concession to terrorists. Further, they were seen as an outrageous slap in the face of the victims and a bitter betrayal of the cops and federal law enforcement officers who had put their lives on the line to protect the public and who had invested years of their careers to put these people behind bars. The U.S. Sentencing Commission affirmed a pre-existing Justice Department assessment that the sentences, ranging from 30 to 90 years, were "in line with sentences imposed in other cases for similar terrorist activity."

The prisoners were convicted on a variety of charges that included conspiracy, sedition, violation of the Hobbes Act (extortion by force, violence or fear), armed robbery and illegal possession of weapons and explosives -- including large quantities of C-4 plastic explosive, dynamite and huge caches of ammunition. Mr. Clinton's action was opposed by the FBI, the Bureau of Prisons, the U.S. attorney offices that prosecuted the cases and the victims whose lives had been shattered. In contravention of standard procedures, none of these agencies, victims or families of victims were consulted or notified prior to the president's announcement.

"I know the chilling evidence that convicted the petitioners," wrote Deborah Devaney, one of the federal prosecutors who spent years on the cases. "The conspirators made every effort to murder and maim. . . . A few dedicated federal agents are the only people who stood in their way."

Observed Judge George Layton, who sentenced four FALN defendants for their conspiracy to use military-grade explosives to break an FALN leader from Ft. Leavenworth Penitentiary and detonate bombs at other public buildings, "[T]his case . . . represents one of the finest examples of preventive law enforcement that has ever come to this court's attention in the 20-odd years it has been a judge and in the 20 years before that as a practicing lawyer in criminal cases."

The FBI cracked the cases with the discovery of an FALN safe house and bomb factory. Video surveillance showed two of those on the clemency list firing weapons and building bombs intended for an imminent attack at a U.S. military installation. FBI agents obtained a warrant and entered the premises, surreptitiously disarming the bombs whose components bore the unmistakable FALN signature. They found 24 pounds of dynamite, 24 blasting caps, weapons, disguises, false IDs and thousands of rounds of ammunition.

A total of six safe houses were ultimately uncovered. Seven hundred hours of surveillance video were recorded, resulting in a mountain of evidence connecting the 16 prisoners to multiple FALN operations past and present.

Federal law enforcement agencies considered these individuals so dangerous, extraordinary security precautions were taken at their numerous trials. Courthouse elevators were restricted and no one, including the court officers, was permitted to carry a firearm in the courtroom.

Given all this, why would Bill Clinton, who had ignored the 3,226 clemency petitions that had piled up on his desk over the years, suddenly reach into the stack and pluck out these 16 meritless cases? (The New York Times ran a column with the headline, "Bill's Little Gift.")

Hillary Rodham Clinton was in the midst of her state-wide "listening tour" in anticipation of her run for the U.S. Senate in New York, a state which included 1.3 million Hispanics. Three members of the Congressional Hispanic Caucus -- Luis V. Gutierrez (D., Ill.), Jose E. Serrano, (D., N.Y.) and Nydia M. Velazquez, (D., N.Y.) -- along with local Hispanic politicians and leftist human-rights advocates, had been agitating for years on behalf of the FALN cases directly to the White House and first lady.

Initial reports stated that Mrs. Clinton supported the clemencies, but when public reaction went negative she changed course, issuing a short statement three weeks after the clemencies were announced. The prisoners' delay in refusing to renounce violence "speaks volumes," she said.

The Clintons were caught in an awkward predicament of their own making. The president had ignored federal guidelines for commutation of sentences, including the most fundamental: The prisoners hadn't actually asked for clemency.

To push the deal through, signed statements renouncing violence and expressing remorse were required by the Justice Department. The FALN prisoners, surely relishing the embarrassment and discomfiture they were causing the president and his wife, had previously declined to accept these conditions. Committed and unrepentant militants who did not accept the authority of the United States, they refused to apologize for activities they were proud of in order to obtain a clemency they never requested.

So desperate was the White House to get the deal finalized and out of the news, an unprecedented 16-way conference call was set up for the "petitioners" who were locked up in 11 different federal facilities so that they could strategize a response to the president's offer. Two eventually refused to renounce their cause, preferring to serve out their lengthy sentences rather than follow the White House script.

Mr. Clinton's fecklessness in the handling of these cases was demonstrated by the fact that none of the prisoners were required, as a standard condition of release, to cooperate in ongoing investigations of countless unsolved FALN bombing cases and other crimes. Mrs. Clinton's so-called disagreement with her husband on the matter made no mention of that fact. The risk of demanding such a requirement, of course, was that the prisoners might have proudly implicated themselves, causing the entire enterprise to implode, with maximum damage to the president and potentially sinking Hillary Clinton's Senate chances.

Meanwhile, Puerto Rican politicians in New York who'd been crowing to their constituents about the impending release of these "freedom fighters" were enraged and insulted at Hillary Clinton's withdrawal of support. "It was a horrible blunder," said State Sen. Olga A. Mendez. "She needs to learn the rules."

The first lady called her failure to consult the Puerto Rican political establishment before assessing the entire issue a mistake "that will never happen again" -- even as the cops who had been maimed and disfigured by FALN operations continued to be ignored. Tom and Joe Connor, two brothers who were little boys when their 33-year-old father, Frank, was killed in the Fraunces Tavern attack, were dumbstruck to learn that White House staffers referred to the FALN militants as "political prisoners" and were planning a meeting with their children to humanize their plight.

Members of Congress viewed the clemencies as a dangerous abuse of presidential power that could not go unchallenged. Resolutions condemning the president's action were passed with a vote of 95-2 in the Senate, 311-41 in the House. It was the most they could do; the president's pardon power, conferred by the Constitution, is absolute. The House launched an investigation, subpoenaing records from the White House and Justice in an effort to determine whether proper procedure had been followed. President Clinton promptly invoked executive privilege, putting Justice Department lawyers in the impossible position of admitting that they had sent the White House a recommendation on the issue, but barred from disclosing what it was.

Twenty-four hours before a scheduled Senate committee hearing, the DOJ withheld the FBI's written statement about the history of the FALN and an assessment of its current terrorist capability. "They pulled the plug on us," said an unnamed FBI official in a news report, referring to the Justice Department decision to prevent FBI testimony.

The investigation revealed that the White House was driving the effort to release the prisoners, rather than the other way around. White House aides created talking points and strategies for a public campaign on the prisoners' behalf included asking prominent individuals for letters supporting clemency.

Jeffrey Farrow, a key adviser on the White House Interagency Working Group for Puerto Rico recommended meetings with the president and the three leading members of Congressional Hispanic Caucus who were pushing the effort, stating in a March 6, 1999 email, "This is Gutierrez's [sic] top priority as well as of high constituent importance to Serrano and Velazquez." The next day, White House Deputy Chief of Staff Maria Echaveste sent an email to White House Counsel Charles Ruff, who was handling the clemency issue, supporting Mr. Farrow's view, saying, "Chuck -- Jeff's right about this -- very hot issue." Another adviser in the Working Group, Mayra Martinez-Fernandez, noted that releasing the prisoners would be "fairly easy to accomplish and will have a positive impact among strategic communities in the U.S. (read, voters)."

And there you have it. Votes.

While the pardon scandals that marked Bill and Hillary Clinton's final days in office are remembered as transactions involving cronies, criminals and campaign contributors, the FALN clemencies of 1999 should be remembered in the context of the increasing threat of domestic and transnational terrorism that was ramping up during the Clinton years of alleged peace and prosperity. To wit, the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, the 1995 Tokyo subway Sarin attack, the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing, the 1995 "Bojinka" conspiracy to hijack airplanes and crash them into buildings, the 1996 Khobar Towers bombing, the 1996 Summer Olympics bombing, Osama bin Laden's 1996 and 1998 "Declarations of War" on America, the 1998 East African embassy bombings, the 2000 USS Sullivans bombing attempt, the 2000 USS Cole bombing, and the 2000 Millennium bombing plot.

It was within that context that the FBI gave its position on the FALN clemencies -- which the White House succeeded in keeping out of news coverage but ultimately failed to suppress -- stating that "the release of these individuals will psychologically and operationally enhance the ongoing violent and criminal activities of terrorist groups, not only in Puerto Rico, but throughout the world." The White House spun the clemencies as a sign of the president's universal commitment to "peace and reconciliation" just one year after Osama bin Laden told his followers that the United States is a "paper tiger" that can be attacked with impunity.

It would be a mistake to dismiss as "old news" the story of how and why these terrorists were released in light of the fact that it took place during the precise period when Bill Clinton now claims he was avidly engaged, even "obsessed," with efforts to protect the public from clandestine terrorist attacks. If Bill and Hillary Clinton were willing to pander to the demands of local Hispanic politicians and leftist human-rights activists defending bomb-makers convicted of seditious conspiracy, how might they stand up to pressure from other interest groups working in less obvious ways against U.S. interests in a post-9/11 world?

Radical Islamists are a sophisticated and determined enemy who understand that violence alone will not achieve their goals. Islamist front groups, representing themselves as rights organizations, are attempting to get a foothold here as they have already in parts of Western Europe by deftly exploiting ethnic and racial politics, agitating under the banner of civil liberties even as they are clamoring for the imposition of special Shariah law privileges in the public domain. They believe that the road to America's ultimate defeat is through the back door of policy and law and they are aggressively using money, influence and retail politics to achieve their goal.

On the campaign trail, the Clintons like to say that Bill is merely supportive and enthusiastic, "just like all the other candidates' spouses." Nothing could be further from the truth. Returning Bill and Hillary Clinton to the White House would present the country with the unprecedented situation of a former and current president simultaneously occupying the White House, the practical implications of which have yet to be fully explored.

The FALN clemencies provide a disturbing example of how the abuse or misuse of presidential prerogative, under the guise of policy, can be put in service of the personal and private activities of the president's spouse -- and beyond the reach of meaningful congressional oversight.

Ms. Burlingame, a former attorney and a director of the World Trade Center Memorial Foundation, is the sister of Charles F. "Chic" Burlingame III, the pilot of American Airlines flight 77, which was crashed into the Pentagon on Sept. 11, 2001.

98 tonight

Hey peeps,

Check me out on 98 rock tonight. I'll be on with Joe Robinson from 7-11. We're going to talk about the important issues...

Listen with a radio or at www.98online.com.

Holler

A New Blog

I am now writing an 2nd blog. I know that's ballsy when I don't update this one enough. Whatever. Stop undressing me with your eyes.

This is for the sports fans out there. There will be some pop culture but only as it relates to sports. For those of you that think sports are dumb, you are right. Whatever. It won't stop me from writing.

Check it when you have a sec:

http://www.washingtonnationalsnews.com/roos/weblog

Click on every link you see on the page once you get there. I get like $.08 every time you do it...so do it. Help pay for this internets time.

Super Bummed

Last night, when I rode the train home from the UCB Theater in NYC, I encountered a different situation. (as a side, I spell Theater...like that. They spell it 'Theatre'. That just doesn't look right to me. Thee-tree or The-ah-trey...That's what it looks like. Is it funny? Is that why? I don't get it. I'm not judging. Just saying. Ok, back to the topic)

I took the E train home from the 23rd street stop. The only reason I mention this is that sometimes, and it is ALWAYS a mystery to me as to when it happens, certain subway trains will mysteriously run on different lines, not run, skip stops, or generally make unexpected moves. You have to be on your toes. Usually, to get home from 23rd and 8th Ave, I take the 'A C E' to West 4th then change to the 'F V' and get out at 2nd Ave or Delancey street depending on my mood.

99.99999% of the time, if I did not transfer (as I forgot to do once a few weeks back), the 'A C E' will take you right down to the financial district or 'no where close to my apartment'. Well last night, as we approached the West 4th street station, the conductor came on and said 'hmhmh hmhmhmhmh, hmhmhm, vmvmhvmvhm...customers should....vmhmhvmmvvhvmuuuuummmmvhvhv 2nd avenue...once again...vhmvhvmhvhmvhmvhvhvmhvhmv...exit the train....'

It was at this point that I looked around, a bit concerned because I had no idea what dude said or what it meant for me. We pull into West 4th and most of the peeps get off the train. I say....screw it. Let's get ballsy. Let's see if this bad boy goes to 2nd Ave. I stay on. Know who else stayed on? 4 homeless dudes. All spread out on my car on the train. 4 homeless dudes and me. Fine. No problem. 1 dude, closest to me begins to mutter. No problem.

Another dude, head down occasionally twitching. No problem.

Twitchy Mcjitters wakes up and begins to mutter. No problem.

Then it gets weird. I'm suddenly aware that every one of these homeless dudes has a sandwich. I first hypothesize that they came from some kind of shelter where they give out sandos. I examine further and ever sandwich was different. They were all wrapped differently. One guy had chips even. All these homeless dudes, almost at the exact same moment, begin to eat sandwiches on a train that is not going to the place it normally goes. Weird.

The dude farthest down the car from me was really into his sandwich experience. He was dripping crumbs everywhere. The uppity side of me was a little annoyed because when you do that, it attracts rodents to the trains. The rest of me called that side me a douche and wanted to know what would happen next. Now, you have to picture this scene. Everything is surreal.

Dude goes: "MUTHA F*CKIN SANDWICH....MUTHA F*CKIN SANDWICH DELICOUS!"

I did one of those bursts of laughter things then quickly composed myself for fear of possible interaction. Luckily, the train that could be going anywhere, went to my stop and was breaking so he didn't hear me laugh at him.

Quick note: the homeless dudes just sat on the train after it stopped. The conductor and NYC transit folks kept saying: 'Last stop. Everyone needs to be off the train.' They didn't move. I wonder if they stay on the trains all night and just ride around? Maybe it's a warmth thing in te winter time? I won't claim to know. I do know that dude had a delicious sandwich.

Watch my show on Animal Planet! Friday night at 9:30.

An Idiot Walks Among Us....

Be afraid. Be very afraid. If you are a Redskins fan, you are now officially not allowed to be a fan of owner/dictator/poor decision maker snyder, dan. Please note that when I really dislike a sports figure associated with a team that I support, I always use the 'Last Name, First Name' description. Example: Gardner, Rod. Ugh.

When 'Private Jet' first took over the team, he made a big splash by signing aging free agents, firing coaches, hiring different coaches, firing them, then while searching for a new coach, secretly courting other coaches, purging teams of restricted free agents, trading draft picks like they were diseased hot potatoes, over-paying for suspect players, handing out bonuses like they were crackerjack prizes, promoting people that agreed with him, and generally ruining one of the greatest franchises is sports. Love them, hate them, not care about them, whatever you choose to do, you have no choice but to acknowledge the Redskins' place as one of the flagship franchises in the sporting world with a rabid and enormous fan base and a season ticket waiting list longer than a DMV line at 9AM on a Saturday when you didn't know that you can renew your license online.

For the last 4 years, Joe Gibbs took charge. Gibbs was not always successful. In fact, with the exception of 2 season ending win streaks, Gibbs' tenure was really mediocre; even below average. 2 playoff appearances in 4 years is eons better than what this team went through in the 13 years after his first departure. During this period, snyder, dan took a back seat. He asked: 'Joe, what do you need?'. Joe told him, and he went and got it. He was the kind of owner that any team would be lucky to have. How can you fault a guy like that? He was willing to spend and get what the guys leading the team wanted. It was as though snyder, dan had grown into his role.

Fool me once...good fooling. Fool me twice, I want to remove you from office and lock you in a room and have fans take turns airing their grievances against you for 3 weeks, or the same amount of time this coaching soap opera has gone on. Skins fans dread to read the sports section every day. Every piece of news is more shocking than the last. The 3 ringed circus of this coaching search has alienated the fan base, the players, and even the coaches that may or may not remain employed by the team in the coming year. Snyder, Dan has undertaken a secretive, cloak and dagger, and heartless approach to his search for the next coach of the Redskins.

The players and fans (overwhelmingly) wanted Gregg Williams to succeed Joe Gibbs. Joe Gibbs wanted this as did the majority of the other coaches. Nothing in Gregg Williams' coaching track record indicates that he is somehow a savior or super coach of some sort. The simple fact remains that he was, by all accounts, as instrumental as anyone within the organization in shepherding the team through the tragedy of Sean Taylor's death. He was there. The players rallied around his leadership and played inspired ball despite the loss of several players (not excluding the team's best player in Taylor). 3 weeks later, Williams, after 4 different all-day interviews, secretive dealings with high profile coaches (reports point to Pete Carroll today), and endless rumor, is now dismissed. He went from an instrumental figure, fan and player favorite, and favorite of Joe Gibbs to a 'disgraced' former employee. Whether he was the answer or not, his treatment was callous and pathetic.

So where are we now? snyder, dan is flying his private jet all over the country and is being spotted like he's Brad-Jelina. Every move is worse than the one before. The candidates pooping up now (Steve Mariucci, Jim Fassell, and Ron Meeks) are doomed before they start. Any chance they might have had to succeed have been stripped away. snyder, dan has proved that he is back with some sort of vengeance. In his mind, he tried it 'their way' where he stayed out of the way...well now it's time for Johnny Executive to step in and run every aspect again. Football men be damned! snyder, dan is handling this coaching search like he's trying to staff a Nokia store in Tyson's Corner.

So we say again, be afraid. If you are a fan of any other team, or more specifically a team that has to play the Redskins, congrats.

Super Happy Fun Explosion Time!

If you like joy and fun, you'll like this:



If you don't like joy and fun, you'll think that 10 minutes is too long...and we're also not friends.

Go and listen to the newest '20 Minutes on the Internet With Danny and Rory' podcast on my website. Further, listen to the others if you haven't already.

Since I'm feeling a bit bossy, watch my show on Friday nights on Animal Planet. The A-List airs every Friday night at 9:30. Don't be the 13457th person to tell me: 'I've been meaning to watch it but I haven't'. Really? You meant to? What's been stopping you? Is it the fact that you would rather be out on a Friday night? Fine, good point. Either way, I'm on tv and that's cool.

Last thought: I hate Hillary Clinton. I have a friend who volunteers on her campaign. I don't know if I'm upset about this, sad for him, angry at him, or what. I'm confused. I'm irritated and frustrated. Funny Danny note: No one has seen this guy in weeks. Is he embarrassed? I would be...I would be.

Healthcare '08

This is really cool. Re-phrase: it's not that cool. I mean, it's not like jean jacket leaning on a mustang in the mid 70s cool...but I think it's pretty cool...

Anyway, my girl Lucie's company put this interactive graph online. It maps out where all the candidates stand on Health Care and lets you plot your views against their's. It's very informative and telling. I guess I knew this before I started but filling out this graph basically confirmed that I am some kind of extremist zealot who should be living in the hills somewhere with a dog army and lots of rifles. It also confirms that I never could get elected to office. My views are too hard to enact.

Enjoy:

http://www.healthcentral.com/healthcare08/

Fun for the whole family!

A Match Made In.....Hell

Two of my least favorite non-murderers in the world were upset on Sunday. jerry jones and terrell owens (both not capitalized on purpose) were in a sad state. Things in Dallas don't look like this right now. These two super-villains are celebrating Dallas' 12th consecutive year without a playoff win. Even my dysfunctional, gong show, no direction Redskins have playoff wins in that time frame. One could argue, the Skins have been among, if not the, worst NFL organization since we last won a Super Bowl in 1991. Yet, we've got more wins in the post-season than the evil cowpersons.

I hate the cowpersons. Now, most people, when asked objectively, superlatives aside, will back off and say that they really don't 'hate' teams. Not me. I really hate the cowpersons. Why back off?

Dictionary.com defines hate as: "to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest"

That covers it. When I walk around and see bandwagon punks with stars on their hats or jackets celebrating the years when they were good, I get irritated. That smells like a nice dose of hate to me. Is it healthy? No. They win games every year and it makes me angry every time they do. The payoff in the end has been great though. To see them lose in the playoffs the last 2 years on Romo miscues is like watching the Angels in Heaven sing backup for Def Lepard doing 'Rocket' while I'm sitting in a lawn chair drinking apple juice. At the show, it's me, my buddies Lubes, Attorney Jon, Hutto, and Lewis. We are all making funny comments. That's how good it is when they lose.

Look at this guy:

I mean look at him! Look at the plastic surgery. Look at the smarminess. Is that a word? Well whatever. Just look at it! This is a dude who played football at Arkansas then made millions kicking people out of their homes in the south/central US while drilling for oil. He made himself GM and then spent years undoing all the good he had done under Jim Johnson because he was an arrogant a$$. Nice Job choochbama. No playoff wins since he fired his former college teammate Barry Switzer. I love it.

Despite the fact they have tons of talent, they are not playing anymore. Good stuff there.







What's even better is that Terrell Owens, aka the worst dude in sports, is smack in the middle of all of this. There is no more talented player in the league now, or maybe ever, than TO. He is a physical specimen unlike anything the league has seen. Watching him warm up before a game is an incredible sight. He's huge. I mean like a towering super fast giant.



None of that matters. Singularly, the worst teammate in history. His giant sunglasses tearful rant in the Sunday post-game was laughable. What a fraud. I may have run my 3 other pro-bowl QBs under the bus...but I'm behind this guy. What a douche. Have a nice off-season. And by nice offseason, I mean I hate the cowpersons. My popcorn is ready a$$.