Part I

Lot to say, so we are going 2 parts. Giddyup:

Completely thrilled that Robocop joined the cast of 24. I don't know if he's been on before (first season I've watched), but I was giddy last night. I kept hoping he'd say "DROP IT"...just once...is it too much to ask?

President Logan sucks. When the limos get rescued, or even before, you tell the terrorist dude that his own people f-ed up and it was their chatter that led to an independent agency stopping the attempt. Now, you are completely screwed. Terrorists still have the nerve gas, the Subaroffs know you had something to do with it, and your wife is going to hate you because you didn't change the route and let her get attacked. Again, tough day for the 1st lady. You can add surviving an assassination attempt to her long day. RUFLA (Right Up the First Lady's A$$).

I want to apologize to both my readers. I got a few people into this season's Bachelor. My Irish Female Comic friend (that's her title b*tches) Erin Conroy texted me the following last night: "U a$$hole. Your blog has got me watching the bachelor. This show might be worse than being eaten alive by an alien clown..."

I tuned in for the foregone conclusion last night with the slim hopes that Idiot would not pick the FSG (Fake Southern Girl). FSG went on for 1...2...3 hours about how Idiot was perfect for her and that 'this isn't like her'. Who's it like then? Another kindergarten teacher from Nashville? And by the way, you snotty debutante, 'ville' not 'vul' all right chief?

"Hey is that a Cadillac?"

FSG-" Yes. Its a Se-vul".

Se-ville. Vil/Vill...man do I hate her.

My friend Lucie, who's fault this whole 'me watching the bachelor' phenomenon is, had a wonderful quote to describe the train wreck: "Maybe they'll be happy together because they're both so boring..." Lucie, among other things, is the greatest reality tv prognosticator I have ever seen. She is able to predict the exact outcome of each show to such minute details that you wonder if she helped create them. Amazing...and also kind of sad and terrifying...

My boy Jon is like my own personal spiritual guide. He has given invaluable insight over the years and as we have gotten older, his ability to see the big picture and have a mature outlook on things has consistently left me in awe. He can also do the worm. His best tidbit to me recently: "You never know what girls have going on. You can't take any interaction too personally as there could be a million factors as to why she's acting a certain way and trying to figure them out is a waste of time as there is no way you can really know." Good stuff. That's free. Take it.

In Part II, we will discuss building a bridge to celebrity...Jon is the buttress.

I hate not knowing something that I'm supposed to know and that it seems like everyone else knows and then when its explained to me I still don't quite understand but can't ask again because everyone already knows and I already feel like a pooface for asking the first time so asking a second time is like fully admitting that you're stupid whereas the first question can maybe get passed off as 'Just weird that I don't happen to know that' the second is more of: 'I don't understand words'.

Part II later.