Yes!

Facts from 24 last night:

1) You cannot kill Robocop. Ever. Rent the trilogy. (Awesome that there is actually a trilogy)

2) Rudy had a little redemption. You also knew that Rudy would sacrifice himself for the team. THAT, is how Rudy rolls.

3) Bill Buchanan has a really deep voice. He sounds like a guy that is trying to make his voice deeper. He's like that guy in high school that lifts weights before everyone else does and is always flexing in front of girls and you can't believe that chicks like him because he is such an a$$ and then you are welcomed into the harsh reality that chicks always like terrible dudes and you try to be like that for a while but everyone can tell that its an act so not only do you not impress the girl but you are a complete tool for trying to act like an a$$ and failing which makes you worse than the first guy.

4) Jack Bauer can hold his breath for a long time. He can also get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30. Think about it. He'd yell at the guy about a hash brown and a sausage mcgriddle: 'They're right there! I can see them! Just give them to me!' You think dude wouldn't just give it to him? He's read the file; he knows what Jack can do.

5) Elisha Cuthbert-Rouhier, while hot (and my future wife along with Jennifer Love Rouhier and Natalie Portman-Rouhier in a wonderful tryst of mirth and sharing), is very b*tchy on the show. She does a good job.

6) Audrey Rains, my boy Ramsey's favorite character, is just plain tight. My friend Sarah looks like her. The only difference is that Sarah does not make authoritative decisions like Audrey does.

7) This is the best show on network tv by so far its silly.

8) It still cannot compare to the Sopranos which, in this reporter's humble opinion, has absolutely got to rank as the greatest show of all time.

My blog is done for today. Keeping it short and real. Always Repping Glover Park in DC. Always.

Williams Weekend

My boy JL Cauvin and I did a show at Williams College on Friday night. Tens of people took a break from watching college singing groups, chamber music, and apathy to come see our show. We had an amazing time and were told by a few people that there were 'a bunch of other things going on that night' so we were lucky to get what we did. JL did about 35 minutes and killed. His voices are awesome and the kids went nuts when he dropped his Owen Wilson. Really funny stuff. Note: After the show, we split a giant cookie. Sometimes, friends can split food with their friends and smile before they eat.

JL also handed out business cards like a weed dealer doling out samples to try and get people hooked. He has a newly created website that it pretty amazing and worth checking out.

Special thanks to my boy Mike Kearney for letting me crash on the couch of his freshman dorm room and for letting me use the bathroom that he shares with 5 other guys in a space that would either make me want to stab everyone or just turn completely gay due to the proximity. Also, girls at Williams college are generally unpleasant and b*tchy. They walk around with these angry looks on their faces. The dudes have more of a sullen 'oh my God is this really it?' face when they walk around. We went to a party after the show where they were out of beer and no one recognized JL and me from the show. Thanks also to super rep Shari from DC Comedy Agency for doing everything under the sun to make the show go.

JL and I took a bunch of photos. Some of them are good. I'll get them on my website soon so that the person that still checks it will be happy that there are new photos for him to look at and he can email me and say: 'nice new photos' and I can say: 'thanks dad, is my laundry done?', and he'll say: 'no, your mother had to do an extra load because on of the dogs pooped in the house and yadda yadda yadda, one of the rugs needed a couple cycles...'

I'm super busy this week as well. Friday night, I'm at the Mid-Atlantic NACA showcase show in Gettysburg, PA. Great opportunity for yours truly. (Note: I have never ever understood the expression 'yours truly'; no idea why that refers to me. 'Word indicating possession of a(n) object(s) for you and that this is in fact, genuinely the truth')

Saturday, I'm going to join a bachelor party already in progress for 2 of my best friends Michel and Ramsey in Miami. Do not wait up.

Not Much

Sorry for the lateness, not much happening today. I hope to have a further Kristin (I misspelled it in my blog. I know this because she sent me a message telling me so) update later. We have had further contact and I like where we are and where we could go. Remember, her myspace link is: http://www.myspace.com/friedbakingoil

Because of the heavy site traffic, she has changed her myspace profile to 'private'. Awesome.

I'm headed up to Williams College tomorrow. My boy JL Cauvin and I will be performing on campus at 9 PM in Goodrich Hall. I don't know if that is the varsity or the JV Hall, but I'm pumped. Its going to be fun and it also may rock like sedimentary and igneous materials...

Introducing...

I want you all to meet a friend of mine. Her name is Kristen. She is single, 24, 5'8", athletic, a Taurus and a proud parent. How do I know this? From her myspace profile. Kristen, even though we have never met, has given me a wonderful gift. She is currently in the lead for most bizarre message exchange in my brief history of myspace participation. Kristen sent me a message, completely unsolicited, filled with saltiness, venom, spite, and pure naked anger. We have had a wondrous reparte of messages. I fear the banter may have ended as I have not heard from her for 24 hours now. This was not my intent. I was hoping to bait this young lady into further conversation in the hopes I could have a little treasure to keep for myself and share with all my comic friends as we write jokes about idiots, like Kristen.

While you read the transcript below, I want you to ponder what in the world would posses someone to somehow stumble across my myspace profile, and be so disgusted and upset by it; to be so moved to disdain that she had no choice but to reach out to me and give a vague criticism. What could possibly be going on in her life that this was a priority?

Here is another direct link to Kristen's myspace page:


I really want you to go to her site (which is why I've made it really easy by smattering links throughout this posting). Feel free to leave comments and send her messages as she really likes that. Be encouraging. I'll give you an example of what you might want to write:

"Hey Kristen, keep at it. One of these days we can turn that 'some college'...into: 'all college' and then you can move out of Burke, VA and Friday nights spent at the Bennigan's parking lot and hours on match.com looking for someone who will love you for you. Peace."

In fact, I'll be putting this on my website soon as my 'featured profile to visit and mock'. Very exclusive.


I now submit for your reading pleasure, the entirety of the myspace email conversation between your own funnydanny, and Kristen. Its unedited and real. Taste the mirth...


Read from the top down:


----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Kristen Date: Mar 6, 2006 3:33 PM


your site is ugly


----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: danny Date: Mar 6, 2006 4:00 PM


Dear Kristin, Weirdest message I've ever gotten in my brief myspace experience. Thanks for that. I'll notify you if someone else takes your spot.


----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Kristen Date: Mar 6, 2006 6:16 PM


thanks. I would greatly appreciate that.


----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: danny Date: Mar 7, 2006 12:03 AM


Not a problem. I have to know, what prompted you to send me that message? I guess I want to know what about my site was so ugly that it moved you to send me a message. Just curious. As of 11:57 PM on 3/6, you are still ... #1.


----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Kristen Date: Mar 7, 2006 2:08 PM


I'm sorry Danny; I just don't feel it would be right if I told you why exactly I felt the need to tell you your site resembles the likes of, oh I don't know, a hairy ball sac. I think it only proper that you lie in bed at night and ponder what makes your site such an eye sore. Over time you may actually start to cry over the agonizing realization that perhaps many others felt the same as I and they didn't say anything to you b/c they did not want to hurt your feelings. But hey, forgive but don't forget, keep you head up. Peace out. Kristin




(My last message to her. She has yet to reply):


No need for apologies. I honestly didn't think I'd get an answer. Just a fool's hope really. I am really excited about this exchange as it continues to take bizarre twists and turns. Its going to go on my blog and into subsequent jokes so you can look forward to minor celebrity status. Thanks also for worrying about my sleeping habits. I think I'll be fine. I also don't foresee any myspace related crying breakdowns in the near future.

Finally, did you hook up with one of my friends or something? I'm just trying to get to the root of the anger. I am all about love in the '06 so while you may not like me, I like you and am thankful for our interactions. Talk soon, Danny


Fin.

3/6/06, My Worst Day As a Sports Fan Ever

1st: My favorite Redskins player of the last 10 years, Lavar Arrington, was released by the Redskins yesterday. He was oft criticized by some football insiders and reporters for various things including: not playing within the system/freelancing, being selfish and some other things over the course of his 7 seasons with Washington. I love the Washington Redskins. I also love Lavar Arrington.

For the majority of his career, the Redskins have not been very good. In fact, through a couple of those years, they were awful. It pains me to see my squad in the depths and its hard for me to watch. During those awful years, there was one reason above all others that I tuned in every Sunday. Lavar. There was always a chance he was going to do something incredible. He made more big plays for our franchise than any defensive player that I can remember in my lifetime.

Quick list of my favorite memories:

-The absolute grizzzzzbah he put on Troy Aikman which ended Aikman's career and stopped him from continuing to torch the Redskins
-The chasing down of Kordell Stewart and the subsequent throwing of Stewart to the ground with one arm and the exaltation of 90,000 as Stewart lay on the ground wondering how a 250 pound man just chased him down from across the field
-The game winning sack of Kurt Warner to beat the Rams right at the goaline
-The interception of Chris Weinke and subsequent taking to the house to give us our first victory after an 0-5 start that turned our season around (we ended up 8-8)
-Hitting Brett Favre so hard he had to get carted off the field with his head in a towel to hide his tears

There's more. A lot more. Thank you Lavar. Thank you for everything. It looks like he might sign with the New York football Giants. I of course could never do this because the giants, eagles, and cowboys are evil ambassadors of the dark forces of the world. But, I can understand how an athlete who did not grow up a fan and gets a raw deal from his team, would wanna go to a rival and come back and stick it to his former squad twice a year. What a bitter pill this is to swallow. Sadness.

My sad feelings were compounded yesterday when I got the shocking news that one of my childhood heroes, Kirby Puckett, passed away after a stroke. I loved that guy. I loved the way he played. He flew around the field, hustled everywhere, and always had a smile on his face. he came from the most humble beginnings as the youngest of 9 kids in a horrible ghetto in Chicago. He wasn't allowed to play football with the other kids so he excelled at baseball.

He won 2 World Series with The Twins. The '87 Twins team was one of my 14 favorite baseball teams of all time with Tom Brunansky, Kent Hrbeck, Steve Lombardozzi, Greg Gagne, Dan Gladden (one of the 24 greatest sports mustaches of all time), Jeff Reardon, Frank Viola, Bert Blyleven, Randy Bush, Juan Buerenger, and of course Kirby. The entire world of baseball will miss Kirby Puckett. RIP Puck.

Sorry there was no humor today. I blame the internet.

And The Award Goes To:

Award Ceremonies suck. I watched a few moments of the academy Awards last night. I had never fully realized how terrible these shows are. I will now list the reasons.

1) Because I am pretty busy (and I imagine many of you are as well), with a day job and the pursuit of comedy at night, I don't really get to the movie theater that often these days. Movies get to dvd/on demand so quickly now that its really the way to go. The point? I, and I imagine millions of Americans, haven't seen most or all of the movies/performances nominated.

2) Acceptance speeches. Actors/directors/whatevers either get up there and use it as a pulpit to spit their views or name drop a bunch of people that I haven't heard of. There is also the awkwardness of someone standing up there in their moment and the band trying to play them off. Awkward.

3) The self-importance and arrogance of the awards. Members of an 'academy' of film get together and decide what art is best for a year. Imagine other groups getting together to honor themselves every single year and having it televised. "The united academy of road pavers presents 'the roadies' " Everyone uses roads so why is it unrealistic? This academy decides what I'm supposed to be entertained by and completely misses the point of movies and movie making. Sometimes they get it right and the 'best picture' award goes to an awesome movie that has more universal appeal: Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, Silence of the Lambs, Braveheart, The Sting, Rain Man, Rocky and others. Other times, the best picture goes to something that only industry people like or something that isn't for everyone. They'll give it to a movie that a much smaller group can appreciate and stand atop some sort of critical high horse and tell us we should be watching: Chicago, The English Patient, Shakespere in Love, Terms of Endearment, Unforgiven and others. I don't happen to like any of those second group. They may be good movies and they may not be but just like I hate sports where you are judging by some artificial criteria of 'art', I despise the idea of a group of people I've never met telling me what art is good. You cannot judge art!

Do they like Point Break? That's a sick movie. So is Top Gun, Real Genius, and The Rock. They are fun movies. How can I trust their opinions?

4) Much like the winter Olympics, these award shows seem excited about adding awards. How many of you saw this year's nominees for best short film? Best animated short? How many of you noticed the best technical directing? How many of you were pissed when the makeup team you were rooting for got shut out again? I've never heard of any of these people and they are shoved down our throat as the group of people that makes films honor themselves...on tv which they all think they are better than. Hypocrisy tastes like candy.

5) I think john Stewart is funny, but his hands were tied. The awkward, hacky, PG comedy of these shows makes me want to throw up and have that kind of awkward feeling afterwards like you have to throw up more but don't have anything left to throw up...

6) The fact that the academy basically ignores all things comedic makes it an inherently flawed group. I get not recognizing Dumb and Dumber, but the only comedic performance I can remember being rewarded was Jack Nicholson in as Good as It Gets and he had to have OCD...For whatever reason, comedy is seen as an inferior form of movie making. Bull crap. People go to the movies to be entertained. You can be entertained in a myriad of ways: moved to sadness (Shindler's List), moved up and down the spectrum (American Beauty), and moved to joy and laughter (dozens of comedies that are ignored every year). Was there a more entertaining movie in 2005 than Wedding Crashers? Can you honestly tell me that you didn't love Vince Vaughn's character? He nailed it. Maybe he needs to impersonate a dead musician to get some recognition. Ridiculous.

7) The last sucky thing about the Oscars and other award shows are the people watching them that have sucked back about 1 million hours of E! and think they are in the know and start talking like they are in the biz: "Totally thought Broke-back was a lock", "I thought Jamie was a shoe-in for Best Actor", "I can't believe Spotless Mind won best screenplay..." What is a screen play? Do you really know? Is it the same as a script? Is it a list of instructions for the director? You don't really know do you jackass? Shouldn't the best movie of the year have the best screen play? How can they be mutually exclusive? They should go hand in hand. But they don't because the awards are political. Oh, did I not mention that? Yeah, they are and that's another reason why its a waste of time.

Leave Hollywood to their self-indulgent island or self-importance and other hyphenated terms and watch what you want.

Expanding My Ego

My favorite thing about comedy, by far, is after a great set (which is pretty awesome in and of itself), having strangers compliment you. I love it so much. 2, 4, 6, 8 your ego we will validate! Roo-yeah! Roo-yeah! Roo-yeah!

Now, I realize of course that I have railed against bad comics in this space who get really pumped up after a good set at an open mic (rightly so I believe) but it doesn't count when it applies to me. I'm the greatest comic ever of all time ever and everyone who was a t Topaz last night (32 people) will agree because you can't help but see my greatness. Note: the only thing that is true about the last sentence was that I was at Topaz last night.

Seriously though, nothing better than when strangers were so moved by how funny you were, that they had to tell you they thought you were funny. In fact, I like it the most when black guys do it. Totally serious about that. One dude last night goes: "Hey man, you a funny motherf*cker." That is a compliment right there. Way better than the standard white girl of: "Oh my gosh, I thought you were soooooo funny." Nice, but it lacks that little extra something...

In light of the recent 'discussion' about comics helping each other, I watched everyone's set last night and offered advice to anyone who wanted it. Its my new thing. I'm helping people and it feels good. I'm like a comedy politician. I'm here for the good of the people and the really selfish feeling I get when I think I'm doing good but its really completely self-serving in a 'holier than thou/its hard to see from atop this really high horse' kind of way. My boy Andy Lopresto weighed in and offered his take on the discussion. Good thoughts young man. I am really not that good of a person.

I'm judging the District's Funniest College competition tonight at George Mason. Rory Scovel is hosting. I'm pumped to see Erin Jackson (she's judging as well) because A) she's awesome and one of the sweetest people that currently lives B) she's a funny comic C) She is currently carrying the torch for funny women in DC.

Now that my girls Erin Conroy and Alicia Gomes are bricks in the wall in NY, EJ is lonely. Come on funny women! Step it up out there. Watch Erin do her thing. Most of her jokes, men and women could do. Its because they are smart and well crafted. I know its a double standard and it sucks, but most of the time, people don't want to hear women talk the same way guys do. When women do potty humor, talk about sentence conclusions (I refuse to say 'period' in that way), and then b*tch about how they can't get laid and how they only attract sh*tty men usually tends to rub people the wrong way. I don't know the psychology of it, just observations. Erin and Alicia are both mint at telling jokes that are just plain funny and creative. We miss them. Also, just realized I'm kinda pissed at Conroy for two reasons;

1) She made fun of my voicemail which says that I am a comic which I keep because it annoys my comic friends

2) She's not coming down for the DC Comedyfest which is going to be awesome. Good move Conroy. Why would you want to come home and perform in a huge festival and be at the forefront and see all your friends? Alicia is doing it. And I thought you were doing everything that Alicia does now. Oh snap! I believe that's the first salvo of a new blog showdown.

DC Comedy Preachers

For those that don't consider themselves on the 'in' of the DC Comedy scene, this may not interest you. It also might, I can't be responsible for knowing what you like.

I have been very fortunate to make some incredible friends doing comedy for the past 2+ years in the DC area. I really feel like there is a growing community of comics that are beginning to be more supportive of each other because they realize that the better the scene is, the more opportunities will be created for us all to further our goals.

To that end, a few comics (myself included) have offered advice in their public spaces (blogs, websites etc.) about the art of standup trying to pass on what they've learned and their observations on comedy and comics. Advice and opinions. That's really been it as far as I can tell.

Another group of comics have been rubbed the wrong way by these postings and have offered their advice and opinions; telling the first group of comics to stop putting their advice and opinions about stand up in public space.

A buddy of mine, and a really funny, smart, and original comic Sean Gabbert made some really good points in his blog about how we really have no place offering anything because we are all so new to this relatively speaking. Check it here. Just click on his blog entry.

Another buddy of mine, Jay Hastings had his own opinions. His blog (its the one with the 'stand up rant in the title).

I totally understand where these guys are coming from. I really do. I do disagree though. Guys like Rory Scovel and Chris White have offered a lot of advice for comics. Here is why we ('semi-experienced vets' and newbies alike) should welcome this:

1) When I first started 2+ years ago, the first 6 months of my comedy career were a complete waste. I invited my poor friends to every open mic I did because I thought it was a big deal, my material/stage presence/delivery/approach/knowledge of what makes a show/etiquette was awful. I would have been so lucky, as a new person starting out to have had someone like Rory (or myself now after learning a ton about what not to do) helping me out. No one was really blogging 2 years ago and there weren't that many places to go. I went to Wiseacres on Wed and Thurs for 2 straight weeks and didn't get on. That was standard. Chris White created DC Standup which is an incredible resource for people starting out but that site, to me at least, was more about where to go/who to talk to/how to get on than about how to actually shape your material/stage presence/approach (or at least that's how I felt 2 years ago). The point is, people who are starting out now, have a huge advantage/resource that I certainly couldn't find 2 years ago. Not that I'm a mentor or some guru, I have a ton to learn. But I have been right where some new guy is now and can help. That's a fact.

2) I had a baseball coach in college. He was the guy that recruited me and we had a great relationship. He told me a lot of great things. One of the greatest lessons he imparted to me had to do with baseball but I think it applies everywhere. He basically said: you always listen to a coach and you give what he says a shot. Give it a real shot. It may not work for you because there is no definitive way to do something but you can learn from it nonetheless. You'll have a lot of different coaches and part of what makes the best players are guys that are always willing to listen and looking to improve. Somebody may say something one day that puts it all together for you but you never know unless you were listening.

3) If you don't happen to like the advice/opinion being given, you have every right to disagree with it. I just don't understand why someone would summarily dismiss something. The way it comes across to me is that the person feels like they are being talked down to and that guys like Rory/Chris/me are arrogant and pedantic as we sit atop our high horses throwing down knowledge tidbits to starving peasants in a village we rule. I have learned so much over the last couple years by watching Rory, Ryan Conner, Chris, Doug Powell, Justin Schlegel, Erin Conroy, Jon Mumma, Sean Gabbert and others. But you know what? I've learned a lot from watching Jay Hastings and Jeff Maurer. Both these guys have been doing it for like 6 months and are already ahead of me. I think back to my 6 month mark and how terrible I was in retrospect. I guess the point is, if you don't like the advice, don't read. But I really think its your loss

4) The main focus of what Rory is writing about to me is how we need to be less competitive and more supportive of comedy in this area. I have been doing comedy in DC for over 2 years. Honestly, its rare that I don't crush at an open mic or whatever (extenuating circumstances aside). But you know what? I've worked exactly one week at the DC Improv. My home club, I've had one week there. The point is that opportunities are so limited. Offering advice to new comics, helping comics start more rooms to get more stage time, and sharing everything we know with each other is a way to create more opportunities for all of us. I just can't understand why people would object to that. This 'everyman for himself' approach to stand up is really shortsighted in my mind.

Sorry this wasn't funny at all but I did warn you. (I have a southern girl friend who says: 'Now, I just wanna pre-warn y'all'. That's redundantly redundant. You don't warn someone after the fact. There are no 'post warnings'.)

Also sorry if this came across as preachy. I know its annoying. Not to put words in Sean's mouth, but I think he basically says that: 'because we are all so clueless, we shouldn't offer advice on our blogs and such'. To me, because we are all so clueless, that's exactly why we should have as much out there as possible. I for one, want to learn and get better. Always. Anyone who thinks they know everything, is someone who is stuck.

Part II: She May Not Like You, But You Met...

Sorry this is delayed but other things were happening...

Fri night, my boy Jon and I went to one of the top 37 Preppy People events in the world. Good times. We rolled to my girl Melissa's place for some pre-gaming. Lot of mirth there. None of the dudes liked me but I am not concerned by this...

As a side, my homegirl Melissa is a sick party planner. One day, she will plan parties and people will go to them. "Babs' Party Planners". Look for it late '06.

We all rolled to Spank, which is the VIP area above 1223. I am unable to say this and look at myself in the mirror at the same time. When I do, I involuntarily strike myself in the face.

Regardless, it was a fun time. We arrived fairly early but the place eventually became uber-crowded. We were hanging out in what turned out to be the VIP area of the VIP floor. No idea when I went up there to sit down when there was no one in the place.

At about 11, I went to get a beer at the bar. When I came back, there was a bouncer blocking the path to the little area. He was yelling at some dude about something. Trying to return to my seat, I started to go around him. He threw a forearm in my chest and goes: "Step down!"

Me: "Oh sorry man. I was just going back to my seat...and I thought"

Complete Dickhead (CD): "Just get down!"

Me: "I'm just sitting right there at that table (pointing to a table that is 6 feet from us)..."

CD: "Dude! Let me do my job!"

Me: "OK, sorry man. I didn't know what the rules were...is it cool if i just go back to wear I was sitting?"

CD: (Ignoring me and pretending to look around)

Me: "Hey man, is it cool if..."

CD: "What is your problem man!??! Shut the f*ck up for a minute!"

Me: "OK."

Both standing there awkwardly for several seconds....a minute...2 minutes...he pretends to look around again to give an evaluation of the area...he has completed his assessment...I am standing awkwardly looking at the group of girls and Jon that I am hanging out with...they are confused...A group of super tan dudes and some middle-eastern guys approach the bouncer...

CD: "Whatup dog? (shake-to-hug move on the lead guy)"

Lead guy: "Hey is it cool? (motions to sh*t eating dudes)"

CD: "Go right ahead."

They all go past me but there isn't enough room so I rub against 5 dudes...more perplexed looks from my group...I stare at the bouncer who is looking around trying to avoid my 'are you kidding me jackass?' look...another minute passes...

Me: "Hey man, is it cool if I just go right there (pointing to all my friends who are staring at me)?"

CD: (Motions to one of the girls) "Yo, this guy with you?"

Girl: "Ummmm, yeah."

CD: "All right bro, its cool."

Me: "Thanks"

Why did I thank him? I bet he's the type of dude that hangs out at the gym for too long with a sport bottle and offers to give everyone spots. Dick.

I am chilling with Jon on the couch watching various spectacles unfold. He says to me: 'Hey, who is that? (couch next to us has three black dudes sitting there. one is huge, the other is ordering champagne and the guy in the middle has a hat pulled down low and looks like he's trying not get noticed). '

I try and get a look, thinking that it might be an athlete or something. I don't recognize him. 2 minutes later, Jon goes: 'f*cking Martin Lawrence man'.

Of course Martin Lawrence was there...of course he was.

I don't want to come off as desperate, so Jon goes and talks to the big dude:

Jon: "Hey man, my boy is a comedian in DC and he'd love to talk to Martin."

BBD (Big black dude): 'Nah man, we ain't talkin business tonight'

Jon: 'No man, my boy just wants to meet him. He's a comic and he looks up to Martin."

BBD: "Oh, aaiiiggghhht. Bring him over man."

Jon then asks Martin if its cool and BBD interrupts: 'I said it was cool man!'

I shake Martin's hand and ask him what he's up to. He said something I couldn't here and I told him: "That's awesome man".

ML: "How long you been doing comedy man?"

Me: "A couple years now. I just got into NACA so hopefully I can get some college work"

ML: "Oh yeah? That's good man. Just keep doing it you know?"

Me: "Thanks man. Just wanted to tell you that you're someone I really look up to. A DC comic that really made it big (He's not originally from DC but he was here for a long time and did a lot here)."

ML: "Thanks man. I appreciate it..."

Me: "And I'm a big fan of people that do characters, because I do some of that...so I always bring people to see what you do (1st class A$$ kissing. Thanks...)"

ML: "aaaiiggghhht man, I feel you..."

Me: "And so, because I feel like you have given me so much, I feel like I should give something back...I know pretty much ever white girl in here (the entire place was filled with white girls)...so I can hook it up if you want..."

3 second pause...

ML: Laughs, his boys laugh, he shakes my hand... "aaiiiiight yo..."

The point? She may have not been interested in me, but she didn't make Martin Lawrence laugh. I did. So I win.

Part I

Lot to say, so we are going 2 parts. Giddyup:

Completely thrilled that Robocop joined the cast of 24. I don't know if he's been on before (first season I've watched), but I was giddy last night. I kept hoping he'd say "DROP IT"...just once...is it too much to ask?

President Logan sucks. When the limos get rescued, or even before, you tell the terrorist dude that his own people f-ed up and it was their chatter that led to an independent agency stopping the attempt. Now, you are completely screwed. Terrorists still have the nerve gas, the Subaroffs know you had something to do with it, and your wife is going to hate you because you didn't change the route and let her get attacked. Again, tough day for the 1st lady. You can add surviving an assassination attempt to her long day. RUFLA (Right Up the First Lady's A$$).

I want to apologize to both my readers. I got a few people into this season's Bachelor. My Irish Female Comic friend (that's her title b*tches) Erin Conroy texted me the following last night: "U a$$hole. Your blog has got me watching the bachelor. This show might be worse than being eaten alive by an alien clown..."

I tuned in for the foregone conclusion last night with the slim hopes that Idiot would not pick the FSG (Fake Southern Girl). FSG went on for 1...2...3 hours about how Idiot was perfect for her and that 'this isn't like her'. Who's it like then? Another kindergarten teacher from Nashville? And by the way, you snotty debutante, 'ville' not 'vul' all right chief?

"Hey is that a Cadillac?"

FSG-" Yes. Its a Se-vul".

Se-ville. Vil/Vill...man do I hate her.

My friend Lucie, who's fault this whole 'me watching the bachelor' phenomenon is, had a wonderful quote to describe the train wreck: "Maybe they'll be happy together because they're both so boring..." Lucie, among other things, is the greatest reality tv prognosticator I have ever seen. She is able to predict the exact outcome of each show to such minute details that you wonder if she helped create them. Amazing...and also kind of sad and terrifying...

My boy Jon is like my own personal spiritual guide. He has given invaluable insight over the years and as we have gotten older, his ability to see the big picture and have a mature outlook on things has consistently left me in awe. He can also do the worm. His best tidbit to me recently: "You never know what girls have going on. You can't take any interaction too personally as there could be a million factors as to why she's acting a certain way and trying to figure them out is a waste of time as there is no way you can really know." Good stuff. That's free. Take it.

In Part II, we will discuss building a bridge to celebrity...Jon is the buttress.

I hate not knowing something that I'm supposed to know and that it seems like everyone else knows and then when its explained to me I still don't quite understand but can't ask again because everyone already knows and I already feel like a pooface for asking the first time so asking a second time is like fully admitting that you're stupid whereas the first question can maybe get passed off as 'Just weird that I don't happen to know that' the second is more of: 'I don't understand words'.

Part II later.

What Kind Of Name Is Poon Anyway?

Larry Von Poon, of the East Rutherford Poons, put on an amazing show last night at Staccato Lounge. All of my best friends in comedy (except little mirth factory Justin Schlegel and female Irish Comic Erin Conroy) were in the house last night and we had an incredible time putting on a show that you would not normally see. Normally, I'm not nervous at all before shows, but I was scared to death last night. My job was to do Larry Poon. I did about 3 minutes of original material in the Poon character. It was a blast.

Later, the real Poon beat me in a dance off (note, in real life, I am a fantastic dancer. Seriously, see about me. There are top notch pro dancers who do it their entire lives and appear in Hip Hop videos and such. I am one notch below them; a top level amateur dancer. 90% of the time, when I walk into a room, I'm the best dancer in the room. The exceptions are when I go to very trendy clubs and there are small dudes that play 'dance dance revolution' and can do handstands and other filthy breakdancing moves from the late 80s that are making a comeback in the '06. Look for that shizzle).

The climax for me was Larry inviting me back onstage as we performed a duet of the song: "Move B*tch!". Snappy choreography and natural chemistry...

Got a call from Super Agent and Manager Nate Diamond telling me that Larry thanked me for being a part and that I'd be getting a fruit basket in the mail.

Weekend in Review:

It was a huge weekend for my buddy Jon and myself. Saturday night we engaged in a Nintendo 64 Mario Cart Tournament. Also in the Mario Cart Tournament, was clothing mogul and CFO of Kenton-Harrow, Lucas Moskowitz. Special thanks to Kenton Harrow for sponsoring the event. Great clothing, great style, great people: Kenton-Harrow: Semi-exclusive outfitter of FunnyDanny.

Is it bragging to say I won the tournament? It is? OK, I won't say it then. I am a video game juggernaut. My only real rivals in my lifetime are Pat Barry, who has lost his yearn for the craft and all but given it up and instead decided to hook up with girls, and my boy Bryan. Bryan is really amazing at video games. I have always thought he should enter tournaments and such. I think I'm a little better at sports games than he is, but he is way better than I am at action/adventure games. My style is to be thorough and meticulous so I don't miss anything and I remain cautious. It is my general philosophy that, with patience, in almost every video game situation, one is able to find a place where you can hit the enemy and he cannot hit you back. Well, Bryan does exactly what I do except he does it about twice as fast. Really instinctive. He finds all the items and is as thorough as I am but does it at twice the speed. Freshman year of college, when we first moved in, I had taken a month of regular play to beat the original Tomb Raider on Playstation (one of the best 15 games of all time by the way). Bryan beat it in 10 days and found everything that I found and a little more.

We teamed up and beat Final Fantasy VII (THE greatest video game of all time) and we literally got everything: all the ultimate weapons, all the limit breaks, all the side quests, beat both Ultimate Weapons (Emerald Weapon was one of the 25 greatest video game accomplishments in my personal history. It ranks two places below the first time I beat Tyson on Mike Tyson's Punch Out and woke my parents up with shouts of mirth and joy. It ranks one spot ahead of my personal discovery of the ability to get unlimited 1-ups in level 3-1 of Super Mario Brothers on the NES. I subsequently sent my discovery to Nintendo Power Magazine, which I read religiously. They wrote me a really nice note thanking me for my submission but that several people had beaten me to it and it would be featured in their following issue. I did finally crack the pages in September of 1989 when my neighbors submitted me as a power player and listed my accomplishments which at the time included finishing 2nd Quest of Zelda, Zelda II: the Adventure of Link, 999,950 points in T&C Surf Design, 9,999,950 points in Super Mario Brothers, finishing Metal Gear, finishing a season of Bases Loaded undefeated with every team except Boston who I refused to play with because I hated their #3 hitter Norkus, finishing Rygar (17th best game ever), Mike Tyson's Punch Out, Metroid, Castlevania, Castlevania II: Simon's Quest (#27 all time) Kid Icarus, Dragon Warrior, Adventures of Lolo, Legendary Wings, Wizards and Warriors, Ninja Gaiden, Double Dragon, a witnessed beating of the game Kung Fu 8 straight times, Legend of Kage, Pro Wrestling (I was only able to beat Great Puma once with King Slender. The key was knowing when to use the backbreaker. Too early, and you were done...), Mega Man I and II, and others.)

Here is IGN's list of the greatest video games of all time. They are a little biased towards newer games and arcade games and I disagree vehemently with some of their selections but its still a nice list:
http://top100.ign.com/2005/index.html

I will provide my list at a later time. It is definitive.

I will review Friday night and why there is a secret plot to destroy me tomorrow. The story involves an unbelievably aggressive bouncer, my own hypocracy and reconciliation of my own desires and insecurities, and meeting Martin Lawrence and making him giggle.

One.

Villains

Heroes are cool. Some of them are cooler than others. To me, what makes a sweet movie is how BA (bad a$$) the villain is. If he is a tight villain, the movie can really be great. Conversely, crappy villains usually make for bad movies.

Examples:

The original Star Wars Trilogy. These three movies are obviously amazing. What sets them apart from other flicks is Darth Vader. No way to argue this. He is incredible. In SW, A New Hope, he is a complete BA that doesn't tolerate failure and is just ruthless. As the movies progress, you see a more human side of him and you realize that he was made into the supervillain and wasn't always evil. Really amazing. The movies are about him and his redemption more than anything else.

Star Wars is also wondrous because there are several side villains that are unique and cool as well. Jabba the Hutt, Boba Fett, and The Emperor are all really well done.

Opposite:

Daredevil. That movie sucked. Kingpin was not cool. He was a loser and had no depth. His abilities were never clear and you didn't feel like it was that awesome when he got his a$$ kicked.

These are random thoughts that I was thinking just now.

1) Last night, Jimmy Merrit and Kojo got in a pretend fight. A cop rolled up and lectured them. I am still afraid of cops. I shouldn't be. I'm legal and everything but I still get nervous. Weird

2) A girl introduced me to a dude the other night and said: "He's trying to be a stand up comedian". Innocent, but it pissed me off. I may not be good but I am a comedian. 'Trying to be a comedian' sounds like I have a little hobby and I am doing a fun little thing on the side. Just b/c I don't headline the Improv, doesn't mean that I'm not doing comedy. I'm on the border between being an amateur comic and a crappy pro but I consider myself a comic. In fact, since the first time I got on stage at Soho in November of '03, I've been a comic. Its what I want to do and its what I'm going to do. You wouldn't say, "This is John, he's trying to be a lawyer". He is or he isn't.

3) I get nervous around bad comics who don't know they're bad. I think its scary. They live in the same world I do and go through similar experiences but don't see the same things. They have a skewed sense of reality. How can you not tell that you bomb everytime and that you shouldn't do it anymore? To me, some of these people are one step away from talking to the trees and plants and taking directions from animals about taking out the mouthy chick in apartment 4B. Seriously. If you can't see reality and are dillusional about what happens when you are on stage, you have to be a little crazy. 'I've been bombing for 2 years with these same 8 minutes, this time will be different'. Definition of insanity right there.

4) I am going to an exceptionally preppy event tonight. I am going to be such an outcast at this thing. None of my boys are going. I smell awkward. My plan is to get as drunk as possible and see where that gets me.

5) Larry Poon. Poonanza on Sunday night at Staccato Lounge at 8:30. I think about Larry Poon and being Poonified. Check out his sight (its a link on the left side of my page). I love this man. I admit, when I first began, I didn't get it. I was one of the stupid masses that looked at him and didn't understand. Now, I still don't get it, but I know I like it. Like curling...

6) If a guy buys an engagement ring for his lady, should she go shopping with him and then he comes back and gets it later? I hate this. Wouldn't you try and enlist the help of a friend of hers to see what she likes to keep the romance and surprise? It just seems like a whipped move to me.

7) The process of finding a roommate on Craig's List is like going shopping for school clothes with you mom. You know you have to do it, you know you're going to want to go home after two minutes, and the whole time you know its going to end badly.

8) If a man goes hunting and kills another man on the hunt wouldn't that have to be viewed as a successful hunt?

9) Why are there certain words that girls always hate? Like 'moist'. Girls hate that word. Dudes hate any word that refers to female ickiness but girls only hate the slang terms that dudes use. I also hate it when a girl tries to act tough/cool and use our terms.

10) I love it when gay dudes use the terms for them that straight guys use. Its funny when they do it.

11) I don't think its funny when members of different races use the racist terms to talk about themselves (Carlos Mencia for example)

12) I hate apologizing for a bad joke when I'm on stage. I do it all the time and its a terrible habit. I need to tell them that it was funny and not be a lame little punk.

13) The NFL scouting combine is like a college bar at a big state school. A huge meat market where everyone is being evaluated and their stock for where they are drafted is determined by their performance.

14) Rolling solo to a party is hot in 06

15) I made the last one up.

16) Jerry Rice would win on 'dancing with the stars'. The reason is that he is a winner and possibly the greatest football player of all time. He ran the best routes and no one could cover him. People my age are so lucky. We grew up in a golden age of sports figures: Jordan, Rice, Gretzky, Montana, Ripken, Magic, Bird, Bo Jackson and others. 80s and early 90s. Respect.

17) The Super-athletes tv show with Bo Jackson, Jordan, and Gretzky fighting crime is mint. It was called Pro Stars. Amazing

18) This is a really long blog. Its long because I'm bored.

19) GW just lost its most explosive player. Looks like our #6 ranking will be short lived. Might be good experience going into the tourney to play without him but it still hurts. Get well Pops.

20) I'm done writing. Have a good weekend everyone.

Internet Awkwardness

I have gmail. Its mint. It is a superior electronic mailing system to all the other internet.com providers (yahoo, hotmail, aol etc.). Its got ridiculous amounts of storage, emails are searchable, is incredible about remembering contacts, and its basically like having Outlook on the internet. The nerds at google, have also invented a particularly sweet version of instant messaging called google chat. Again, increased functionality and it is designed to take away some of the irritation that I would typically associate with IM. For example, on gat (google chat. I use wombos. Keep up), it tells you when the other person is typing or entering text. This way, you avoid the 'answering two questions ago while the other person who types faster is moving onto something else' thing. It leads to a much better pace.

Also, gat has a neat feature where you can see if a person is not logged into gmail, logged in but looking at another window, logged in and ready to rap with you, or logged in but not wanting to chat because they are busy. Its this last one that led to my first awkward gat encounter.

2 Players: Me and... Girl. We will call her 'Girl'.

Girl was on green all morning. Not wanting to appear desperate, I held off on clicking on her name to initiate a gat. At around 11 AM, I went ahead and clicked on Girl to start an informal dialogue.

The instant I sent my message, she turned her little indicator to busy. Its been busy ever since. Some would say: "maybe she's busy?" I am not one of these. I say: 'here's a great indicator of your worth to other people. Begin self-loathing 'Scotty J from Boogie Nights' phase immediately.' Thanks a lot Girl. You're going into a joke and its going to bomb. How do you like that? Are you too busy to have the joke about you bomb? Is that more insulting to someone do you think? Like, I insist on telling a joke about someone all the time and the joke about them isn't even funny. Is it easier to deal with if its a good joke? I wonder these things. I'm only kidding about the girl but not about the joke; it will bomb.

Seaton Smith is a great dude. He's also a funny comic.

More later.

10 Items or LESS!!!

I was just in line at Target (not Tar-jay) and I went to the express line which clearly says '10 Items or less'. It was the only line open at the time.

The woman in front of me had no fewer than 34 separate items. Even if you use the loosest possible definition of what an item is (multiple copies of one item count as one etc.), she still had way too much. The lady behind the counter asked:

"You..have less 10 item?"

-"Uh... (makes a motion like she is counting) yes".

What a b*tch. It took forever for each item to get loaded b/c the express lane is not ready to handle volume. There are different bagging procedures and such...listen, its technical. The point is, don't f*cking do that. I say again, blow darts for people who obey the rules. The dude behind me definitely would have shot this b*tch...blow darts.

You Rock...No, You Rock

Its Vaeda that rocks. Went to see their show last night at the Velvet Lounge. Note: the Velvet Lounge is intimate...like a one-one date on the Bachelor...I have a problem.

They are awesome. It made me realize that no matter how cool or popular I become as a comic, they will always be much cooler than me. Watching my boy Oliver do drummer stuff is like a kid watching Mark McGwire take batting practice. You sit there in awe and wonder if he's on something to make him go.

The band was kind enough to let me do a couple of minutes before they went on. Thanks guys. I had a blast.

I also rocked a set at a fundraiser for the Didactic Theater Company which, of all the theater companies I know, has to rank in the top 25. Note: I do not know any theater companies. I think inherently, plays are not as good as movies. Who breaks out into song? Who does that? Also, movies that are musicals are subpar. I have never seen Chicago for a couple reasons:
1) Musical movies are subpar
2) Rene Zellwigger ruins movies. Always. Fact. She makes the mousey face and does different voices but she makes the mousey face and they call it acting. I'm sure she's a nice girl but I cannot enjoy anything she's in, even Jerry Macguire which could have been great. Also, I am purposely not spelling her name right to show my disdain.

Anyway, fun times. Small but peppy crowd. I really enjoyed it so thanks to them for thinking I'm awesome and booking me for a free show. Also, the chicken Quesadillas at JoJo's restaurant are really good.

Poonanza got snowed out a couple of weeks back. We are doing it this Sunday night at Staccato. It might change lives. It might also be some really cool alternative comedy.

Team Canada

I love this girl.

Since I am new to the Bachelor phenomenon, I had never before seen their 'week before the finale show where we drag all the rejected chicks back into a studio and talk sh*t about everything but its really just a lame excuse to drag the show out one extra week' show. My girl, Team Canada, was the star. She didn't do the angry/bitterness/sh*t talk about the other girls, even the ones that they all clearly hated. She was over it. She was the only one with any sense and capability of rational thought. What a star. They had the idiot on for a few minutes and he faced a couple of awkward questions. Overall, he was as boring as he usually is. He is also a dummy for making terrible decisions. He's smarter than me because he's a doctor, but he's made some poor life decisions. Idiot. Team Canada: I am available to be friends.

24 was mint. I did find it kind of irritating that they couldn't just tell Rudy what was happening after Jack got the info from Nathanson. Initially, you had to keep it quiet, and my girl Audrey was backed into a corner but it seems reasonable that once the meeting happened and they got the info, you could come clean without repercussions because all the actions make sense. Rudy has been annoying since arriving on the show.

The first lady, again, has had the busiest day of all time. She is now in a targeted limo with the Russian president and his wife. If they do get hit, it saves us from going to war with Russia. A ballsy move.

Schedule:

Tonight: 8:30 show at the Jojo Restaurant at 1518 U street. Its a fundraiser for the Didactic Theater Company and we all know how I feel about the theater...I feel good about it. I feel really good.

Tomorrow: Other stuff

Thursday: I'm going to try and go for a quick run before I go to Topaz.

Further Evidence...

that the Winter Olympics are a waste of time:

This chick had some type of event called 'snowboardcross' and tried to do some kind of show off move at the end of her run and lost the gold medal. At least our hockey team couldn't beat Latvia...

Unreal Talent

Despite the fact that everyone, including myself bombed at Topaz last night, I came to a realization yesterday. Well, I already knew it so I re-realized it. I have never just alized anything which I guess must mean that you learn it because when you realize something it means you discover something that you really knew already. What?

Here it is: The DC Area has some absolutely amazing talent. Fact. Look at the dccomedyfest website. Look at the show schedules. On Friday, April 7 at 7PM at HR-57, there is a collection of local comics who will be auditioning for a spot on the Letterman show. Most would say that young comics like these listed, would not be ready for such a thing. You know what? We are.

Check this lineup of comics out: Ryan Conner, Alicia Gomes, Doug Powell, Danny Rouhier, Rory Scovel, Seaton Smith, Randolph T, Justin Schlegel & Chris White. Every one of these comics (please exclude yours truly from this discussion), is unique and as talented as anyone else in the business.
I've seen the hacky road-headliners that come through the B+ clubs and do their jokes about prescription drugs ("A 4 hour erection? That's a party!!!), gay bashing, and smoking weed. That's fine. None of these comics will ever be like that.

Don't believe me? Ryan Conner, who has been doing standup about as long as I have but has way more show experience, rolled up into the comedy mecca (The Comedy Cellar in New York), the place where seasoned pros would love to work, the place where Robin Williams likes to stop in and do a set but has to wait his turn. Ryan rolled in there this past weekend and destroyed the place. Why? Because he is f*cking gifted. Also, when I hang out with him, the ladies always sweat him and ask me about him. "I'm not your gay friend," I reply with the sour taste of jealousy in my mouth.

I would trust that entire list of comics (except myself, as I believe I would implode before going on stage) to go up there and crush as well. That list doesn't even include my boys like Jon Mumma who is one of my favorite people, not just comics, but people to watch as he is naturally hilarious. That list could include even more amazing comics like Frank Hong, Jeff "Everyday that I'm not a professional writer is a waste' Maurer, and others. I could go on about each person on that list as to why they are amazing because that is what they are. It blows my mind that there are this many incredibly talented people here. DC Comedyfest, April 6-8. See about us.

Next issue:

I have gotten together a couple of times with a few of my buddies and played some pretty competitive games of touch football with another group of friends. Its all been fun and a good way to get some exercise. There was some good natured sh*t-talking taking place in the form of some drunken phone calls and discussing the outcome of the game to girls and such. Well, it has escalated a bit over email and its now difficult to tell if one of the opposing team members is serious about his talking. Stuff like: "If you think I'm a coward, say it to my face", or "you know where to find me". Awkward. Especially awkward considering the reason his team lost the last game was because he couldn't cover a statue with a blanket. My team happens to feature 4 D1 athletes. We are all obviously not as athletic as we were back then but every one of us, when it mattered, achieved on the field (my boy was a 2-time national champ in lax at Princeton).

The result is that we all feel comfortable in some good natured chatter. The other dude does not feel as comfortable...so he quoted stats from his first game that his team one. Touch football stats? Wow. Catch you later on when we build the fire and grunt before the pissing contest starts. Easy there Security Sam, your friends still like you.

Last news bit, On Friday, March 10, I'm doing a show at Williams College in Williamstown, MA. Really pumped about this. Note to colleges: book me, pay me more than triple what I'd actually do the show for, so that I can quit my 9-5. Williams College Ephs. I wonder if they use that like 'Smurf'.

"Hey dude."
-"Hey"
"Oh yeah man, how'd it go with Sarah?"
-"Oh Eph man, friggin Eph. Totally Eph'd her."
"Oh Eph yeah, you friggin Eph, that is so Eph"
-"Yup. Eph'd right in the Eph"
"Wanna go Eph some Sundaes?"
-"Eph'-n-'eh I do"

Winter Olympics Are Untight

I wasn't sure until this year that I disliked the Winter Olympics. But now I'm sure. Here are my issues (I'm going for more concise blogs in honor of February, the most concise month):

1) Such a small percentage of the world's countries even have the means to play a lot of these sports. The Olympics are a festival of competition of the games the world plays not a set of exhibitions for Scandinavians.

2) The amount of sports they keep adding. Kind of stunning. The X games will soon be obsolete as the winter Olympics has taken all the sports. Half pipe? Something called 'vert'? I like watching these things because they are different but they are American recreational inventions. Not international sports with tradition and roots. Again, I actually enjoy these things but they should be left to ESPN ocho

3) The amount of sports with judges (including the above). Any sport with 'artistic performance' should be taken out back and beaten. Even cool things like snowboarding are basing winners and losers off of some kind of subjective criteria. To me, people snow board and do other things like it to get away from the standard in the box competition. Hanah Teter, who is a filthy snowboarder, said in an ESPN the Mag interview that snowboarding was about expression and feeling free. So feel free to try and judge that on some superficial 'technical element' scale. Who are the judges? How do they get picked?

4) Figure Skating. Several things here:
-the gear these little sprites rock is getting more and more terrible
-the fact that these men and women can actually do some really amazing stuff on the ice but they are restricted to these 'required elements'. Every routine is very similar in its major elements and the only difference between them is what happens in between the triple axles, lutzes, and toe loops. These guys could do so much more. They can flip. Did you know that? There is no limit to the creativity that is possible but the sport, which is supposed to be about artistic expression, doesn't let them do it. Atrocious.
-the fact that no matter how they do, the competitor goes to the middle of the ice and curtsies and bows and waves at the crowd and solicits cheers. Can you imagine this in another sport? a dude that falls and is going to lose soliciting cheers because: "I tried and you are here so cheer for me"? Imagine a baseball player striking out in the world series and going back into the on-deck circle and waving at the crowd and them throwing flowers onto the field so the bat boys have to pick them up and over-excited announcers are moved to talk about all he's overcome just to be here. Terrible
-the announcers for this event are smug, judgmental, little bleeding hearts. I cannot listen to them. Lines like: "Tonight: be wary of Weir!" or "He is truly the prince of Russia tonight". The color guys use words like 'powerful' and 'aggressive'; when any power and aggression has really been sucked out of them by the nature of the event.
-again, the stuff they do is actually pretty amazing. Really hard to skate, let alone spin around and jump and stuff. We would have something if only they could rid this debacle of all the BS that these guys do between moves. They are judged on their flare. I can't go on. It just sucks too much...

5) They put figure skating on prime time! See #4 NBC. You are the worst

6) The manufactured 'stars' of the US teams. Apolo Anton Ono or whoever, he's a hero to the other 25 speed skaters in America until he get beat in the opening heat. Resident bad boy with hype to spare Bode Miller hasn't done squat. All these manufactured stories haven't done squat and its annoying. Some day, there will be an Olympics on demand where I will get to watch the events without human interest stories and I will get to watch the whole event without cutaways. Who will I root for without the stories?...maybe the f*cking American that's who.

7) The coverage. A few Olympics back, they figured out that more women watch the WO than men. Duh. So now, they drop in on someone's story so that you will want to follow them. Its really pathetic. They put together a montage of the athlete looking off into the distance, a parent talking about how determined their little athlete was, and insert adversity....music fade up...change music pace...and...show event highlights to show overcoming obstacle...finish with voice-over of how he/she is ready/lucky to be here and won't forget it. Scene. Its a shallow single serving athletic chick flick. I will stand by this forever: the drama of the games themselves is always enough. The biggest stage, the best in the world, the depth of the moment: if you are watching and you can't get into it, go back to watching Lost/Grey's Anatomy/Project Runway.

That's it for now. Man I am so pissed off at these games. I wish Al Queda had a hockey team so we could go all 1980 on them and sh*t (I see you Jeff Maurer you beautiful little genius you. When I become good, you shall write for my show and only the smart shall giggle.)

Oh yeah, doing a show at the State Theater in Falls Church on Saturday night. http://www.thestatetheater.com

Show is with my boy Chip Franklin and Mike Aronin (Never seen him but have been told he's funny). Come see it or you will be labeled stupid and dumb.

Chick Highlander

I have been sick this week. Sorry for the lack of posts to both my readers. I have to put some links up and I will do it soon I promise.

24 was mint last night. They just stuck with the tightness and didn't do the forced slowdown crap they have pulled recently. Badass dudes executing sh*t at a high level of planning and intelligence is what makes this show as entertaining as anything out there. Its like chess with chemical weapons and bad russian accents. I'm in 24. I'm all in.

When the one pinko-commie-red-bastard told the other pinko-commie-red-bastard, "you were followed. You know what to do", and the 2nd pinko-commie-red-bastard shot himself, we were right on track. I think Audrey Rains would make a great little league coach because she would have the best interests of the kids at heart...

I begrudingly tuned into the Bachelor following 24. The tightest honey on the show, Team Canada (just go down 4 posts if you want to read more. I don't feel like linking.) got bounced last week and I already knew Idiot (that's what I'm calling him. The chick who has that bachelor recap blog calls him Dr. McHottie. That's dumb. The dude used to have a ponytail and we all know how I feel about them...) was going to make another poor choice this week because he only had poor choices left.

Fact: Idiot is going to end up with the terrible southern girl from Nashvegas. She will sit atop some sort of high horse and use this disarming language to compare herself to the other women on the show and say: "I'm not like them". Oh, so you're not on a reality show to meet a guy? Oh you are... well you didn't get caught up in the hype and start taking about how he was perfect for you after knowing him for a week...Oh you did. Well I'm sure you don't accuse others of being fake when your entire existence is the most fake of anyone on the show according to the fake-ometer which is a fake instrument.

Smile when face to face, turn around say stuff like: "oh my gosh y'all what is her deal?" She can be as charming as anyone when she is out in public and knows all the right things to do or so at any occasion. She knows how to curtsey, ball room dance, and sow. She had a debutant ball and the whole town was invited. She can agree with anyone at anytime and make them feel special. All these things make her that much more dangerous. I give you, the fake southern girl. May God have mercy on your soul you Idiot.

For your guide to how to avoid such a female take the following steps:

1) Stay away from terrible southern dudes who are pretending to be gentlemen but are really hoping to hook up with such chicks

2) Stear clear of bars or clubs that feature live bands as it seems fsg's (fake southern girls) are drawn to such spots and this is what they mean when they say: 'y'all, we should go dancing...y'all'

3) If you act like a regular person, that is to say you do not actively flaunt your money and/or family name, they might just leave you alone. Remember, if you are older than 24, most of her peers are already married and the pressure mounts with each passing day.

Good luck.

I'm Not Quitting and I Would Never Go to More School

Crisis averted. I crushed at Topaz last night. All 5 people there will attest to it. I'm back in until I get depressed again at which time I will rack another pity post. At least 3 people started a conversation with me this way yesterday:

"Hey...so...are you OK?"

I'm good. I have always been a mental midget subject to emotional fits. Some say its because I'm passionate and a deep thinker; others say its because I'm a complete p*ssy. Can't it be both?

Poonanza and Wet T-Shirt Contest on Sunday night at Staccato Lounge. 8:30 start time. Alternative comedy and a must see for Larry Poon fans.

After the Paz last night, I went to party and hung out for a while. Literally, every dude there was wearing a suit. Its a dive bar in Georgetown, and they were all wearing suits. A couple of guys were quizzed as to why they were wearing suits and the answer came back: 'REALLY, really long day at the office."

Really? You're a 24 year old L.A. on the Hill. You a$$. More people need to read my blog. You don't work in I-banking where you have days like that. You work a government job for a Congressman your daddy knows from law school. I hate every one of you and your a$$ faces. You are unimportant and trying to look important when you are not is the most bamfied thing you can do in the world next to quoting things you see rappers say on television in common discourse.

The worst part about all of this are the girls who enable this behavior. What's the first thing a girl always says she is looking for in a guy? I don't think its 'Go well out of my way to make myself appear important while I do 'laps' around Smith Point in an effort to be seen talking to the right person'. If you really came straight from work, loosen the tie; maybe even take it off and put it in your pocket. Maybe, if you knew you were working late, bring a shirt to wear or leave your suit jacket in your office. You are not dressed up for work anymore, you are dressed up to make it look like you have an important job and that makes you a f*cking loser.

I wanted to pull my own eye out so I could see the shock on my face.

When I am entertaining millions (just go with it), my job will be important. Until then, you're not, I'm not, no one is. So relax chief. Are we cool? I'm all for looking nice when you go out. Rock the dress shirt if it makes you feel pretty. Maybe the dress shirt and jeans? Its a little metrosexual but that's in these days. We can do better. I say again to my girls Fergy, Lofty, Jet, my sister's boss and company: Shut your eyes. You are all too important to this world. Hit me up on my blackberry.

Respect.

Other People Are Funny and I Should Quit

I have watched this cartoon 25 times. Whoever made it, I would like to help you raise your child. I can offer athletic guidance and what kind of dude not to be. I have little to no input on women unless you wish to listen to my views and do the opposite but you couldn't tell me you were doing that because then I would try and switch my advice up and then no one is happy. Anyway, the cartoon: Funny Cartoon of Joy

Its totally safe for work.

Comedy is an exciting thing to do. It really is. Its like sports in that there is no guarantee of success. Winning (having a great set for a willing crowd) can be as rewarding as any sports accomplishment.
Whereas eating it, bombing, ruining a show, doing just OK when other people do great, f*cking up a joke,
Having people talk in the middle of your set,
going out of your way to do a show when the venue doesn't get how to have comedy,
A crowd that's determined to ruin a show,
Ttraveling 18 hours round trip to the Boston Comedy Festival and doing one 6 minute set and losing to a boring chick and a black dude who talked about weed and poor credit,
Having your friends all get great shows and wondering 'how the hell did they get those?' and 'How come I'm not getting them?' and then feeling guilty because you're not being supportive of your friend and its not that you're jealous of him its that you wonder about your own place, Stepping on the mic chord and pulling it out of the mic and not being able to put it back together, Going to what used to be an awesome show that now stinks because the sound system is terrible and you're on with crappy comics and the audience knows it so they stop coming so it turns into a bad show where you try new stuff and now don't get invited back,
When the booker you did a good show for won't call you back about follow up gigs despite the messages you've left for him,
The number of friends you piss off b/c of your blog/jokes about them/or their perception that you don't really care about them anymore and are just emailing them about your appearances, Watching terrible comics ruin a show and knowing you will have to go on after them,
Watching someone new who is already better than you and has a guidance and support structure in place unlike when you started and you were just drifting aimlessly about hoping for things to happen,
Realizing that you went to the well way to often to invite people to meaningless shows so that now they never want to come to anything you do because they've already seen your act so many times they know it better than you,
Doing a college show and not having one college girl make a single suggestive comment to you after the show,
Having a stranger come up to you and ask you why you didn't do a joke that you are not proud of as if its your only funny bit,
Trying to write new jokes and realizing that they aren't even funny to you,
Wanting to quit and go beg for some job because it never seems like you will ever get anywhere with this comedy thing and seriously wondering what really makes you different from the other thousands of comics who never amount to anything but grizzled old d*cks who've been doing comedy for 18 years and can't even get a feature spot at the Improv but they'll tell young comics about the time they worked with Robin Williams and that they know the path to stardom,
Thinking that an old joke is solid and then doing it so you don't forget it and then hearing dead f*cking silence last night at Dremos as you bombed so egregiously that it made you want to quit comedy all together as you realize you don't have near as much material as you thought you did and your buddies keep coming up with really great stuff,
Having to deal with the 2 realities of dealing with an office job when you never want to work in an office ever again and then the stark reality that you may never reach your goal of doing what you want to do.

All that? That is what SUCKS about comedy.

I am very tempted to return to my role as the funny guy amongst my friends but I don't. The reason? Winning is that much better if there's a big chance you might lose. That being said, if I don't do well at Topaz tonight, I'm going to sign up for an LSAT class.

Radio? Who Needs a Radio? Ready Hairy?

I was lucky enough to do a quick radio segment this morning on wbal in Baltimore. The host, critically acclaimed radio star Chip Franklin had me on. Check him out: Chip Franklin. I did a few minutes as Bill Clinton. Good times. Thanks to Chip and wbal for having me on.

I wrote a joke last night that many people are going to find offensive but I think is really funny. These are the things that keep comics going. This joke will never be part of my regular rotation but I love it. I think that's why that little theatrical comedy face has a tear...

I now have a bet with a lady friend of mine over who will be chosen on the Bachelor. I have also realized that if I met myself as I am now, 4 years ago, I would mock myself incessantly...Scary thought.

I have started every paragraph of this blog with the letter 'I'. Random question: Is there any possible way to start a sentence with "I is" and have it be grammatically correct? Answer below.

I don't watch medical dramas. Ever. They are always sucky in my opinion. I remember when ER was big and every week was some kind of 'must see episode because Doctor X has to make a tough decision that affects him and the lives of others at the hospital'. There are a couple of formulas.

-Formula 1: Have an over the top guy in charge so the conflict every week is something to the effect of: 'We can't try that, we don't know if its going to work!' vs 'If we don't try something, he'll die'. This is hacky and predictable. Shows like House fall into this category. The doctor is this guy who means well but is tough to get along with but always ends up showing a human side. I have gleaned this from the previews.

-Formula 2: Try and make everything super-realistic and splice in really fast dialogue to develop the relationships of the regulars at the hospital. By using real terms and having everything moving really fast, I'm supposed to allow the characters to take breaks from saving lives and having intimate conversations about feelings. ER was like this. When I was 9, I sprained my thumb pretty badly when James Adler threw a pass to me that didn't spiral and caught my thumb weird. I went to the hospital and sat for 3 hours waiting on getting an x-ray and then waiting for someone to read it and finally put me in a splint. Make a show about that. Obviously, there will be occasional times where things are hectic but for the most part, its like most jobs where you go to work and waste time all day until you have something to do. You don't have 1 minute snappy conversations with the nurse you've been sleeping with about taking what you have to the next level and your needs. Wait until after work bruh.

I think that shows like Grey's Anatomy were made so women who have been subjected to football all day can force their husbands/bfs etc. who are in football comas to sit through episodes. That's the only way the ratings could be as high as they are. The 'after football hangover market'.

I told you I would reveal the answer to the random question. The answer is yes you can have a sentence that starts with "I is" and have it be correct. Ready?

I is the first letter of ingenious.

Holler

24 and Being Robbed

24 was average last night. When I signed on to watch the program and become a '24 person', I did not sign on to see forced sensitive conversations between secondary characters. I signed up for tightness. I bought in for the 'we have one hour to stop terrorists' not: 'Its hard for me to tell you everything I've been feeling...'

During the course of 4 hours on this program, the 1st lady has snuck into a classified archives room and obtained telephone transcripts by threatening to accuse an employee of rape so she could get his key card, been drugged and groped and had the transcript removed from her breast holder-upper, marginalized by her husband, sent to a mental institution, escaped and hidden in a barn, convinced members of the Secret Service that there is an intricate plot of president killing and nerve gas, been redeemed and reunited with her husband, slapped him for sending her away, accepted his apology, heard matters of national security, and then helped the president write his speech. That, is a busy morning. Its also bullsh*t. Stop it 24. Stop forcing these emotional storylines. There is enough emotion with the gravity of the events you are presenting. I can see it; I can feel you trying to insure that women will continue to watch the show by adding a thin layer of supplemental human interest and I am mad at you for it because you are hurting a good thing. Stick with the tightness, that's who brought you. Don't change dance partners.

Post 24, I of course sucked back the Bachelor: Paris. Since the beginning of the show I have rooted for the cute chick from Canada (Sarah) and dubbed her: 'Team Canada'. This was my horse. Everything was perfect... until that idiot kicked her off the show just like that last night. It felt like a part of me went also. It feels like I can't trust anymore. Why? Why would this happen? She was easily the best candidate. Here's a rundown of who's left:

Mo-ana: Will stab you when you sleep because she is a brooding, emotional wreck. We also call these: "Women". I kid. She is half past-psycho subject to b*tchiness, hated by other women, looks terrible without primping, and is generally disagreeable and unpredictable due to her wild emotional swings. Great call...a$$. She may not get along with people, but at least she cries a lot. Also, her friggin name is Mo-ana...its either Mona or her entire family should be kicked in the shins. Their choice.

Susan: Just got out of an 'almost marriage' and is what the French call: 'Really f*cking clingy'. She has dropped the 'L' bomb in casual conversation with the dude after knowing him for less than a month while having spent a under 14 hours with said dude and competing with other women who feel badly about themselves. She is hot but has the most over-bearing mother. Dude, that could be your mother in law. Are you kidding? Abort. Abort. She deserved to make it pretty far because she seemed $$$ but when we really start getting to know people, let her go out with that dude from the gym with the tattoo around his bicep and the racing stripe on his Civic with a lot of bass so that he can sound cool when he wears a sleaveless shirt with a ton of hair gel to the local club. Also, she lives in Durham...and Duke sucks.

Sarah from Nashville: I have 1.3 million jokes about girls like her. See my act. She's in it along with the other thousands of sorority girls from the south that say things like: 'sssssssoooooo fuuuunnnnn!' If you end up together, look forward to 'sippin' wiiine' and looking at Pottery Barn catalogs. You're an idiot. You'll probably have to drive down with her as she goes back to whatever college in the south she went to for various events and listen to excited shrills as she sees her sorority sisters who already have kids because they went to college to find a husband and pretend to root for her stupid school when its playing on tv even though she can't name a single player and your calendar will be full with showers, weddings, bachelorette parties, planned dinners with other couples, and trips to the grocery store because 'making dinner' is now an event for you to get excited about: 'Maybe we can get some bread and olive oil to go with this white wine?' I say again, you are an idiot.

So, Team Canada, if you're out there, you was robbed. The dude said it might be tough with the distance and everything. Good point. But, if that's the case, don't go on the f*cking show where they bring women from all over the country and then travel to Paris. Match.com you idiot. Sarah Canada...I would never actually move to Canadia (by the way, they are Canadians, so it should be called Canadia...its not Mexicanians. Bunch of liars up there. Watch out for 'em), but I'm looking for a roommate in Glover Park, so we could go from there.

Terps and the Worst SuperBowl of All time

Friday's show at Maryland was off the hizze and onto something else. Great times. Thanks to all those that put the show on, that attended and to the Matts for getting things going. Ryan Conner captured the crowd without acting like...me. Awesome stuff. I wish I knew how to do that. The dude is so chill but everyone listens. I have to jump up and down and make silly noises to keep their attention and he does it with funny jokes. He is cool and collected and I sweat like a prisoner with a tongue-ring. Advantage Conner.

Fun Superbowl party, terrible Super Bowl. I am glad the Steelers won as my boy Bryan is happy and I think the Seahawks are annoying. 10 game comments:

1) Jeremy Stevens is a scared soft little punk who should have to stand in a batting cage and do the Happy Gilmore until he toughens up a little bit. That dude heard more footsteps than the white chick in a haunted house movie. Hard to make big plays with hands around your throat. Way to back up the talk big cat. He may not have had a good game, but at least he commits sexual assaults and beats people up. Great dude...Except the opposite.

2) Jeremy Stevens could kill me in an instant and I would never tell him these things to his face.

3) The referees were abysmal. They didn't decide the game as some would have you believe but they were way to prominent in steering its direction. No need to go into the specific plays, but there were several really bad penalties called against Seattle that took away some of the good things they did and really turned the tide. Seattle outplayed Pittsburgh with the exception of 3 big Steeler offensive plays. The Steelers couldn't manage a loud fart for the better part of the game on offense (only 14 first downs and 50% of their offensive output came on 3 plays) and Seattle was moving the ball but couldn't punch it in. The only point here is that officials, all season and especially in the playoffs, have been way too prominent. Its like they are looking to make the big call or something. Why would you ever want to be a ref? I've never met someone who aspired to be a ref. "I'd like the best case scenario to be that no one notices me...worst case scenario, I'm hated by millions of people but I'm cool with that..."

4) We ate TurDucken. Amazing. If you don't know, now you know.

5) The commercials were not good. Really disappointed with that. Step it up ad people.

6) The 2 week layoff is shameful. Ruins the whole momentum of games and such. Every possible story line is completely exhausted by the Wed before kickoff so the media has to invent new ones. The NFL moves the game back so it falls into February sweeps. I am officially asking that whatever sweeps is, can it be moved up a week so that the game is when it should be? Its not as bad as college bowl games a month after the season is over but its close.

7) If you are a girl and you are going to watch the Superbowl and cheer for a team, please be sure that you have at least a rudimentary understanding of the game of football. If you do not, awkwardness and irritation will follow. Your best bet is to quietly ask your boyfriend what is going on but do not do so during game action less you be dubbed a sucky girl which will ultimately make it more difficult for you to see said bf as his friends will not like/approve of you and force him to pit you against them as he chooses who he spends time with and when he chooses you they will resent you instead of him which can lead to unpleasantness which could have been avoided if you'd asked for a rule clarification instead of yelling at everyone to be quiet during the commercials. This is not about someone I know, it just occured to me as I was writing that I would be annoyed by this.

8) I get confused by people who don't watch the superbowl. I didn't watch the world series one year (NY vs NY) because no matter who won, we all lost but the Superbowl is different. You watch it. You just do it. If you don't get it, doesn't matter. It is such a spectacle that there is going to be something you enjoy. Even if you are an uber-hippie, you still have to see what you are rebelling against. Watch the superbowl.

9) If you go to a superbowl party where you don't know many people (especially the hosts), don't immediately roll in and take the best seat on the couch and be the first in line for food. People will think you are a d*ck and they would be right. You are a d*ck. Take the bad seat and see what opens up as the game goes on. Seriously, this will help you make friends.

10) If you are my best friend and your name is Jon and you wanted to watch the animal planet have cats prancing around a makeshift football field to make your new ladyfriend happy, don't be surprised when there is backlash because its gay. Not dude on dude gay, but gay like I can't believe he's already this whipped when he is the first one to point out that other people are whipped and he is right when he points it out because he is a very astute guy. Just quietly blame your boys as to why you couldn't watch the cats and go back to watching football. I like you though and this is friendly advice as we go forward in '06 because we are all about giving love this year.

Full House

I used to love the show Full House. When I was a child, it was pretty mint. I can go toe to toe with most people on FHT (Full House Trivia). What was Stephanie's middle name? Take you time and search it...or just read this: Judith. Respect.

Speaking of Stephanie. After she was on the show, she married an LA police officer when she was 20. Then, as the money gradually went away, she got bored with not getting any acting jobs and such. It was because of this boredom, that she began to take methamphedimines...daily. There was a Full House intervention with Saget and Candice Cameron Bure (she married Pavel Bure of the NHL who was unstopable in NHL '94 on Sega Genesis) and others and Jodie Sweetin checked herself into a clinic. I am not making this up. Read about it today. Google it you lazy punks if you don't believe me.

What's the point? 2 fold.

1st: its always bad to be a child star. Best case scenario: you are not scarred for life and can become a hot adult like Soleil Moon Frye. Worst case scenario? You all know these.

2nd point: In the later seasons of the show, when Stephanie was an awkward teenager (and they also decided not to change actresses which is admirable), they gave her some absurdly hot friends. One of these friends was named 'Gia' (Jee-uh). She was played by a girl named Marla Sokoloff (see pic). I made a bet with my buddy Casey that this chick would one day end up doing softcore on Cinemax. Its looking good so far as her tv credits are dwindling...do it Marla...do it...



Tonight at Maryland, Ryan and the Matts and yours truly will Rock the Casbah. The hotness ensues around 6. Respect.

It Hurts My Eyes

After Dremos last night, I swung by my favorite local bar in DC, Town Hall. I met up with a couple girlfriends of mine who are all fantastic. Unfortunately, these fantastic ladies were under a barrage from dudes still wearing suits from work checking their blackberries every so often to give off an air of importance. I walked in and was easily the least dressed-up person in the room, which made me happy.

I got to talk to my friend Bridgette who I haven't seen in a while which was wonderful. We people-watched for many minutes and were stunned at some of the things we saw from this sea of awful dudes.

Question: why do Southern dudes always introduce themselves and their friends by their full names? "Hey, I'm Whitt Barnes, nice to meet you". Easy bruh, just give me the first name OK chief? I'm not gonna rush home and google you, I don't need the whole thing. I'm not going to remember your first name because you're a douchebag. I'm Danny. If we get close enough to have some further encounters that don't revolve around us seeing each other at a bar once every 6 weeks, I'll drop the last name on you. Until that point, stop giving out your business card to chicks and saying that 'we should grab lunch'. You shouldn't be allowed to have lunch. That should be the rule: you wear a suit to a bar, introduce yourself by your full name, and hand your business cards to girls, you are not allowed to eat lunch. Even trade-off.

The only time I do that is if I'm meeting someone's parents, interviewing for a job, or introducing myself to a superior. That is when you give the whole name. Not when you are hitting on 22 year olds at a dive bar.

It pains me that this is what my Capitol Hill honies see every day. They have to constantly deal with the dudes in this world and sometimes they get carried away with it because its all they see. So Lofty, Fergy, 'Jet', and my sister's boss this message is for you: 'Never forget that they are not us. There is more out there and you deserve it. Hide your eyes, close your ears and remember. Remember that its not cool to act like a 'political insider' to impress a chick. Remember that dudes who drop names like weights are fools. Remember that there is a whole world out there that is not on 'the list' and its pretty cool. I heart you guys.

******

Maryland Show on Friday night. My boy Ryan Conner and I are coming to campus to scald the mic. Ryan got the time wrong in his blog because he is a poo head...yup, brought the noise on you right there son. Show starts at 6:10 PM after a full day of events at 'Muhr-lan'. Baltimore Room. Matt Liebman, Matt Mayer, Ryan Conner and This Guy = The Hotness.

I Ruin Shows

Chris White and Friends was a lot of fun last night. I was terrible. I ruined the show. I was paired with Jeff Maurer and Marshall Henry in a kind of improv/stand up thing where we each told a joke based on what the last guy had told. They got laughs, I got silence and insecurity. I love Jeff Maurer's material. People who don't should be kicked. He has mastered something in a couple months that I still can't do after 2 years and that is write jokes. I realized it last night when all of his funny things destroyed and I ate yak as I lack punchlines and structure...and bring nothing but really good intentions and a need for approval. Bright future people, really bright. I'll see you at Rick's Diner in Mannassas in 2009 where I'll be featuring for the Van Halen Tribute Band 'Panama Jump' on there 'Pieces of Me' tour.

Larry Poon did his thing to close the show. Man do I love watching that. My favorite parts are the times when people don't get it and they are uncomfortable. This gives me joy. This also brings me to Poonanza. Sunday Feb 12 at Staccato Lounge. Some amazing alternative comedy and great times. Anyone who doesn't go will be banned from the cool kids table forever. More about that later.

Super Bowl this weekend. Really not excited. I want the Steelers to win because my boy Bryan is a Steelers fan and his mirth is good. I will watch the game because that is what you do and I will eat because that is also what you do but this match-up does not intrigue me for some reason. I am sick of the stories about Jerome Bettis coming home to Detroit and sick of the stories that are mocking those stories. I like Bettis because he seems like a genuine and nice dude but I really hate the double standard for athletes as they are portrayed by reporters.

Bettis has a ypc of under 4.0 for his career. He is not a good receiver out of the backfield and he gets tired in games because he is so heavy now. If most other players had fumbled the way he did against Indy, they never would have lived it down but Bettis is given a pass somehow because he is patient enough to answer inane questions after practices and games from strangers who want to bait him into saying something inflammatory. Some athletes don't relish this part of the job and I don't blame them.

The thing is, they are vilified if they don't. Sportswriters like my least favorite of all time, Peter King, write about how guys like Bettis are a 'reporter's dream' and they stop covering them objectively. So frustrating. Peter King will wax about how wonderful certain GMs are and vilify others when its clear the only ones he likes are the ones that always make time for his phone calls. He will talk about certain organizational models as the only way to win football games (New England and Philly. One will be watching the Super Bowl and the other can rot in hell as they finished last in the division) Case and point: Ernie Accorsi in New York.

They gave up like 1.5 drafts + Phillip Rivers to acquire Eli Manning who might end up being pretty good. But you know what? They could have stood pat, kept their picks, added more players to complement a flawed team that broke down at the end of this season, and either had Rivers or Ben Roethlesburger who they passed on when they needed a QB. Would they be better with Big Ben and a bunch more picks? Yup. But PK called it a 'gutsy' and 'shrewd' move. Idiots. I want a sports network with regular dudes who can say that moves like this are idiotic, with appropriate curse words.