Christmas for Grown-Ups Suck

I realized something this Christmas. Being an adult at Christmas is no fun. You have to buy gifts for a lot of people who are always difficult to shop for or you have to buy things that you think are ridiculous just because your kid asked for it even though you know full well that the kid won't be playing with the toy within two weeks. What's worse are the gifts you receive. You ask for things you need instead of things that are cool. When you open up the package and see the exact rug you asked for and told your sister to get for you online, you are forced to make the same awkward joke of: "how did you know?...see, I told her what to get and then she got it for me...so I really knew all along that I was going to get it...but its funny to act like I didn't know..."

So, mom and dad, I'm really sorry for every Christmas since 1980. I figure my first Christmas in '79 I was still new enough that the 'new baby glow' hadn't worn off yet and it was still cool but after that, I gotta believe they stopped being fun and became chores. As Lois Griffin said on Family Guy: "You think Christmas just happens? You think all this holiday cheer just falls out of my butt?" Well it doesn't, it takes grown-ups being miserable for the hollidays to work. I am a grown-up now. I realized it yesterday when I opened my presents. I got exactly what I needed but was not tempted to call my friends and compare notes as to who got the most/coolest video games and other toys.

I got a slingshot and 6 nintendo games one year. Are you f*cking kidding? How do you top that? Play nintendo, go raise havoc with slingshot, run and hide, circle back inside and play more nintendo, receive envy of peers both for cool gifts but also nintendo prowess, have neighborhood kids submit you to Nintendo Power as a "Power Player" and have name appear in the January '89 issue, try to brag about it at school but have no one listen because no one really liked you then, get rid of bowl cut for flat-top, continue to not receive acceptance from peers at school, play lots of sports as a kid and become known as having a poor attitude, go onto play baseball in college and hit on dozens of rich girls and not figure out the special formula for taking them down, get a job at your high school in the alumni relations office and coach kids, become an average standup comic who many think is hacky because of your reliance on cute little voices, get a blog and share details of your life that should be kept secret and irritate people both in the comedy world and friends of yours, leave job at high school to take a new job that affords more opportunity to pursue comedy through good friend who is also a comedian but that you never see anymore because he moved to Alexandria and left your office and the only time you hang out is when you go relieve him so he can go to lunch, receive works shirts and socks for Christmas, begin reminiscing over the joy of youth and reality of adulthood, blog about said topic.

I said "Merry Christmas" to a Jewish person yesterday. They go: "Ummm, I'm a Jew." I said, "I know. But I can still say that right? Even if you don't celebrate it, its still what day it is and I want you to have a merry one. Its like you telling me: "Happy Arbor Day". I don't celebrate it, but its nice to hear..."

They go: "Whatever."