I'm a Liar

Remember when I said, I'd have more for you today? You don't? It's because you didn't read yesterday's blog. Sure...take your time...Just...OK, you're back? yeah, I lied. I am swamped with stuff.

2 quick thoughts before I go:

1) College basketball is back with a vengeance this year. I don't care what people say about the NBA minimum age rule, it's awesome for the college game. So many great college players right now. If you haven't seen Kevin Durant play, do so. Truly unique player. If Rick Barnes (head coach of Texas) could find a way to get him the ball, Durant could have been the highest scoring freshman since Mahmoud Abdul Raouf (Chris Jackson) at LSU. I'm not bothering to look up the spelling.

2) Maryland beat duke last night. I watched it going back and forth between the terps game and the Texas/ Texas A&M game. Both awesome. duke losing is always good. This is especially true when they lose at home. It's the most refreshing silence.

Top silences in sports:

1) yankee stadium when it's so quiet you can hear the Red Sox fans individual comments

2) duke. when the nerds have to file out and go back to their dorms

3) texas stadium when another team completes a long TD pass and you can actually hear jerry jones mowing the lines.

Mailing it in

That's what I'm doing today. I'll have more for you tomorrow.

2 things:

1) Wikipedia entry for shabingus: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shabingus

2) Selling my tv: http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/nva/ele/286151450.html

Cherrydale is actually Arlington. It's a snobby community...I live in a house that I found on craigslist.

These are things that are important

New Buddy Jackson. Best episode ever? It's possible. But how do you judge art? You don't. You just argue about it until one guy yields. Watch here.

Next thing: http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/nva/ele/285466691.html
That's a craigslist ad for my tv. I'm selling it. You should buy it. It's awesome but I cannot take it with me.

Jared Stern, Jon Mumma, and me. March 11th at the DC Improv. This is the first of a new thing the Improv is doing. They've recently completed a 2nd room. It's smaller and more intimate than the main room but it's really nice. They are doing monthly showcases there and this is the first one. It's Sunday night at 8:30. You should come. Here is the info:

DC IMPROV LOUNGE SHOW

The Departed

Glad that it won last night. It wasn't the movie Scorcese should have won for but it's cool that he did. I'm really glad that Little Miss Sunshine didn't win it because I thought that was as over-rated a movie as we've had since Lost In Garden City Translation.

The show was unwatchable as predicted.

I just finished my tax return but for some reason, the option to e-file does not work for me. Frustrating. I hate regular mail.

A lot of you know that I have been killing myself by taking broadcasting classes. They are almost over and I am relieved. It's way more work than I would have ever thought. I spend an awful lot of time at the school. It's been a mixed bag to be honest. Much of what I get to do and learn is really interesting and rewarding. There is also other stuff that makes me want to quit existing. I'll just be glad when it's over. The idea is that I will eventually get a sports radio show and the only people that are allowed to call in are the ones that like my sports related blogs.

I'm selling my tv. It's a 55 inch Mitsubishi flat screen. I bought it in 2003 for $2500. I love the tv but it won't fit in the place that I'm moving or at my parent's house. Its got 7 inputs, is totally HD compatible, has great sound and there is a little button on the side of the remote that makes the buttons light up...I'm looking to get around 1k or "$1000" for it. Email me at danny.rouhier@gmail.com if you are interested.

Later.

I Wouldn't Wanna Be...

Went to see Rusted Root last night at the 9:30 Club. I don't go to that many concerts. I agreed to go, then forgot about it until the day before. It's how I plan things.

They were really good. They are a unique sound I think and I like that. Good outing. It reminds me that there is a lot of cool stuff out there besides when I am performing next.

I am performing tomorrow night at the Hyatt in Bethesda. Shows there recently have been completely kick a$$. I've been told that Erik Myers will be there and if you haven't seen him, then you are one of the unfortunate ones. When I first started, this was the guy that everyone would say: 'you've got to see him'. He's funny.

Here are 2 wondrous youtube videos:

80s Cartoon Openings: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bto7l3cKhvk

The most...I don't know what it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJ3oHpup-pk&eurl

Have a good weekend.

Nashbingus

Here is what will happen to you when you go to a National NACA conference in Nashville:

-You'll drive with Rory Scovel.
-You'll prepare hundreds of sample dvds that you aren't thrilled with.
-You will literally whore yourself to dozens of college kids that couldn't care less
-You'll wear absurd outfits and somehow not stand out
-You'll say things like: 'If we don't get some shows out of this, I'll kill you Rory."
-You'll stay at the Opryland Hotel in Nashville and it will be the largest building you can imagine. Its like a city...an orange, country music city.
-You're friend Blaire will be there and she'll have to literally kick you several times to stop talking because you are ruining a sale by talking too much
-Rory won't be able to print labels for his dvds
-He'll also give you a bunch of cases for yours
-You'll discuss how horrible NACA is because it screws artists
-This discussion is tempered because getting booked is awesome
-You'll tell all the kids how much you love performing at colleges.
-You'll remember to email Ryan Conner when you get home because you hate him because he performs at a lot of colleges and you don't.
-You don't really hate Ryan. You're just jealous.
-You're not really jealous because you want success for your friends.
-You just want the exact same success and other stuff...which I guess means that you are jealous.
-The drive down will suck
-The drive back, when you leave at 1:30 AM, will absolutely honk.
-There will be a torrential rain storm that will make you slow down to 35 mph and put on your hazard lights while trucks fly by you at 4 AM.
-This will go on for an hour.
-Rory will have to stop 8 times to potty.
-You'll think the trip went well overall but are glad to be done with it.
-Your evaluation will wait to see if you get any bookings from this.

Thanks Blaire...and Rory....but mostly Blaire.

Nashvegas

Driving to Nashville with Rory Scovel on Sunday. We're there for the National NACA Conference on Monday and Tuesday. We're trying to get booked for stuff. This process is literally like whoring ourselves out without anyone getting laid. Full Report on Wednesday.

Have a great weekend.

Snow Days

Couple days off from blogging because of the snow. It affects the computers...

We left early on Tuesday because the weather was on its way and I was made to come in on Wednesday for 18 minutes. Seriously.

I got yet another absurd traffic violation this morning. Not sure what it is about me, but it seems like officers of the law have free reign to lie with regards to making up offenses that I committed. It's hard to explain but suffice it to say, taking a left turn into shopping center parking lot by occupying the opposite lane of traffic for one car length (when no cars were coming) before turning does not constitute RECKLESS DRIVING in my mind. At least not the kind of reckless driving where you have to go to court. At least not the kind where you have to call the court and stay on hold for 41 minutes to try and change the date that knucklef*cker gave me because I'm out of town.

From the law.com dictionary:

"operation of an automobile in a dangerous manner under the circumstances, including speeding (or going too fast for the conditions, even though within the posted speed limit), driving after drinking (but not drunk), having too many passengers in the car, cutting in and out of traffic, failing to yield to other vehicles and other negligent acts."

Oh...so nothing like what I did. Unreal. How is it allowed to ruin someone like that?

You may remember from my last run in with an officer of lies (coming home from Gettysburg) last March. I 'thanked' him once he was all done and gave me my stuff back. I should have thanked him for the $700 and change the whole thing cost me. You may recall that I was torn up inside at having thanked this horrible person. Well today, you'll be happy to know that I did not thank officer chooch mcf*ck at any time. I'm growing.

I'd like to thank...

Table of Blogtents:

1) The Grammy's are no longer relevant
2) Poonanza was great. Thanks to everyone that was part of the show. Both in the crowd and the cast. Great experience.
3) I had the most absurdly busy weekend ever.
4) You definitely do not care about #3 but its true.


1-The Grammys are the most unwatchable of all the award shows to me. The following are the reasons why:

A) No one ever considers how absurd it is that an industry gets together to honor itself based on arbitrary judgements. Music is art. How can you judge art and say one song is better than another? Of the nominees for this year's prizes, I think I downloaded 0 of them. The best music coming out now is not at the Grammys and I'm thankful for it. I don't want something I like to be up against Fergie in the best pop category.

B) We don't televise other such industry award shows. For 'best architecture in a modern victorian subdivision development...'

C) Acceptance speeches. Several people we've never heard of are named and thanked. They are always awkward. Not 'The Office' awkward, more painful awkward.

D) The performances fall into one of a few categories.
- Lip Synching crap
- No longer relevant band playing to a forced and over-appreciative crowd
-Current singer doing some kind of montage/tribute to another singer that is nice in theory but doesn't work out live
-occasional brilliance (Elton John and Eminem for example)

The problem is, you have to sit through the other stuff to get the goodness.

E) Hollywood actors taking part. Listen, I like Scarlett Johanson...I really do, but why is she there? OK, bad example. But why are random actors at these awards? It is a forced way for them to get some pub.

F) The forced ovations anytime someone old is involved (Tony Bennett, Smokey Robinson etc.). Their mere appearance makes people stand and give ovations. In reality, if most of these people walked by Smokey Robinson, they wouldn't care. They just stand up and clap because of where they are. Listen, the old guys are awesome. They did stuff; great stuff. The last relevant thing Tony Bennett did was in the mid 90s. he's 80. Don't trot him out there with Tarrantino like he's a show dog. Annoying.

G) the 'zany pairings' to present awards. Oh my gosh, they have Busta Rhymes and Jack Nicholson presenting 'Best Country Album"! I'm going to spit I'm so excited.

H) Apparently, it is impossible to do an awards show in under 4 hours.

That's top of my head. I'm sure there's more.

Last Grammy thought: can you imagine the Emmy's having a contest where the winner gets to do a scene with Heath Ledger? Exactly.


2) Poonanza kicked arse. The show ran a bit longer than we thought. Still, there weren't much in the way of 'down moments'. My sketches were poorly written at best. I think there is a lesson in there...

3) My sched on Saturday:

Buddy Jackson shoot from 8-5 in Alexandria.
Standup show from 8-10:15 at the Bethesda Hyatt
Poonanza from 11-2 AM at the Warehouse Theater.

Long day. Lots of fun, but long. Like a great waterslide.


4) You definitely don't care do you? Right. Didn't think so.

Appendix

Why do you think they call the end of the book an appendix? Is it something you can remove and still go on with?

Poontown, Population You

Come to the show tomorrow night.

1017 7th Street. 11 PM at the Warehouse Theater. Tickets are $5.

The greatest show you'll ever see live.

The 2nd Annual Valentine's Day Poonanza and Wet T-Shirt Contest.

Plastic covers, 3D glasses, and an Arby's coupon will be provided.

Updating the Peeps

Sorry I didn't post yesterday, I was home sick. One of those awesome nights where you are coughing hysterically and all you want to do is go to sleep but you can't because of the coughing. yadda yadda yadda, I'm out of sick days.

-Come to the Poonanza on Saturday night. It starts at 11 and will be unspeakably wondrous. Sketches have been created. 1017 7th Street at the Warehouse Theater. Tix are only $5. Lemme know if you want tix or show up early. danny.rouhier@gmail.com

-If you live in Bethesda, or within driving distance of Bethesda, or you like to Metro to places, or you are just an enormous fan, I'm also at the Bethesda Hyatt at 8:00 PM on Saturday. It's right on the Metro I'm told. I don't actually ride the Metro because people who don't have cars are peasants.

-Watch 'Guys Watching 24'. There are now 2 parts on youtube.

-Watch Buddy Jackson. The goodness flows.

-After an exhaustive search, the dallas cowpukes picked Wade Phillips as their new head coach. That's like looking for the next great Playboy Playmate and choosing a 48 year old mother of 7 from Topeka, Kansas. The real reason that the great Satan (jerry jones) chose this chooch is so he'd do exactly as he was told for 2 years until jones is ready to let Jason Garrett coach the team. Either way, f the cowboys always.

Later.

Poonanza

The greatest spectacle of all times...Saturday

Larry Poon Presents: The 2nd annual St. Valentines Day Poonanza and Wet T-shirt Contest.

Saturday February 10th
The Warehouse Theater
1017-1021 7th St. NW
Showtime - 11pm
Tickets - $5

Tons of explosions and b*tches.

Put a Tent on That...

The Super Bowl was sucky. Here are all the sucky factors:

1) The circus was so out of place. It is a neat show but it was like having a 7 on 7 passing camp before the start of a ballet. It didn't go and was just an awkwardly noisy and sensitive spectacle. Good start

2) The 2 week layoff. Both teams were rusty as evidenced by the horrendous turnovers. I think this was a huge factor in an extremely poorly played super bowl.

3) It was a poorly played super bowl.

4) Every sports fan watching (note, this does not count the dumb chicks and % of dudes who watch for the commercials and 'shshshshssh' people when the ads come on) was incredibly tense awaiting the inevitable Rex Grossman.org screw-up. The sun will rise tomorrow, you have to pay taxes, and that idiot will do something to cost his team. He forgot that the Superbowl is not a game of 500 on the playgound where the most important thing for the tosser is to throw the ball straight up in the air into a crowd.

5) The Career Builder ads were mint. The rest were huge letdowns/offensive. Review them here.

6) CBS stinks. Seriously. Get a wiper for the camera...maybe a de-fogging lense?

Whatever. Fun gathering.

I am really here to protest an injustice. One of my 2 favorite childhood sports heroes (the other was Cal Ripken) was once again denied entry into the Pro Football Hall of Hame. James Arthur Monk was once again the victim of lies and indefensible logic. This would be like Greg Maddux not getting into the Hall because he pitched on teams with other good pitchers.

I really cannot understand the arguments against his induction. You retire as the #1 pass catcher of all time, part of 3 different Super Bowl teams with 3 different QBs, and are regarded by your peers as one of the best to ever play the position, you go.

Video 1
Video 2
Video 3
Video 4
Video 5
Video 6

Watch. Educate yourself. That man belongs in the Hall of Fame. He belongs long before a cheating coke head that pushed off on 80% of his receptions and was just a cog in a series of great teams with a Hall of fame QB, HOF RB, and one of the 3 greatest offensive lines ever assembled. Complete farce. I'm tempted to drive to Canton wearing a Monk jersey holding up a sign that says "Irvin did cocaine and hired prostitutes and got caught doing it and then he stabbed a guy when he didn't like the haircut and then he got caught doing cocaine again." But Art Monk wouldn't want that. He would want to take make a 1st down. That's what he did. He made first downs.

THIS IS A CRIME!!!!

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/02/01/AR2007020100452.html

Exxon posted near $40 BILLION in profits for 2006. They increased production to maximum levels to ease the 'crunch' provided by the middle east shabingus.

People, follow me on this. We are told that gas prices (as it pertains to what we pay at the pump, crude oil, natural gases etc.) are reflective of how difficult it is to acquire, process, and deliver to the consumer. We are sold this 'woe is us' from oil companies. Here comes some math. Warning. Warning. These are rough figures and estimates by me. They will prove a point I hope.

40 billion gas profit

2.7 million barrels per day x 365 days = 985,500,000 barrels of oil in 2006.

1 barrel of oil is approximately 42 gallons

985,500,000 x 42 = 41,391,000,000 gallons in 2006

41,391,000,000 gallons x an average price of $2.55 a gallon in 2006 = $105,547,050,000

105, 547,050,000 - 40,000,000,000 = 65,547,050,000

Exxon's costs were that last 65 billion and change. Let's see what happens when the average consumer price is some thing more palatable like $1.80

41, 391,000,000 (gallons) x $1.80 = 74,503,800,000

Let's subtract our cost from that total:

74,503,800,000 - 65,547,050,000 = 8,956,750,000

Almost a $9 billion dollar profit. Can you live with that? Instead of a record for profits (that Exxon keeps smashing), they have a 'modest' 9 billion.

I fully realize I haven't taken everything into account. I'm sure there are other factors. But I think the point stands. Exxon is profiting off of tragedy (1st it was Katrina now, the war). This is a crime against Americans. The single biggest outrage our country has EVER endured.

ExxonMobil gets the majority of it's product from the Middle East; with a large chunk of that coming from Saudi Arabia. We all know how I feel about Saudi Arabia. They are the catalysts in the war against the US. A percentage of every dollar that goes through the corrupt royal family, goes to the mosques, training grounds, and sometimes right to the militant groups themselves. We are quite literally funding terrorism through an American company.

I encourage you all to drive right past Exxon if you can.

Ask Men.com

Sorry I was not around yesterday. I was home sick. And by sick I mean I didn't want to work. Isn't that everyday? Yes. So then are you always sick? yes.

Ask Men.com just released their top 99 chicks of the year. I look forward to this annual ritual. And by look forward to, I mean it's always a pleasant surprise because I forget about it until there is a link somewhere and I stumble upon it like a drunken hockey fan (take that Conroy).

http://www.askmen.com/specials/2007_top_99/index.html

There it is. Enjoy. Or don't. Not gonna affect me. There's a nice mix in there.

That one is fun, but I admit that I have played this one, every year for some time.

Man, I am on a misogynistic role right now. You can't fight it, it's just what happens sometimes. My old boss and I used to get into heated arguments on that mueller tourney. It ended with me calling him perverted and then him asking: 'did you really just call your boss perverted?'

Later,

Who Cares?

Without looking, who is the best men's tennis player in the world right now? Who's leading the NHL in goals?

I'll give you both answers: Roger Federer and 3 guys tied at the top (Alexander Ovechkin, Martin Saint Louis, and Teemu Selanne).

Why don't you or I care?

It's because there are ZERO interesting Americans in these sports anymore. Of the top 5 NHL points leaders (goals + assists), 0 are American. Of the top 5 goaltenders, 0 are American.

In Mennis (Men's tennis), 1 American is in the top 5 (Andy Roddick).

This dude Roger Federer has thrust himself (love that phrase...just picturing a dude thrusting haphazardly...) into the conversation of 'best tennis player ever' and no one even realizes this is happening. The dude has won 10 of the big events (I refuse to call them Grand Slams because a grand slam happens in baseball. These are simply tournaments with high prestige and large payouts but I digress). Not only that, but the dude just went through the whole Australian Open without losing a set. Not one set! He's sniffing Pete Sampras' record for 14 big tournaments. And yet, completely uninteresting. Why?

For hockey, they screwed up. They screwed up really badly. Here's how:

1) They expanded WAY too much
2) They overestimated their popularity
3) They followed the NHL model of believing that the sport was enough to sell itself (as opposed to NBA and MLB that sells stars)
4) They let the union kick their a$$es for years so they had an absurd salary structure
5) The game isn't even close to the beautiful international game with wider rinks and free flowing and creative play. No matter what they do, they can't get past this. They've tried to make things better this year but to no avail, they still allow clutching and grabbing and all the other things that ruin the flow of the sport.

So, they lost the casual fan. Crazy hockey fans are and always will be there. Godspeed. One of them might respond to this all salty and angry. This is impossible to argue with though, the casual hockey fan is gone. My dad and I for years went to the New Years Day Washington Capitals Game. One year, we both realized that it just wasn't fun anymore. The game on the ice stunk. Too many stoppages, too pre-occupied with stopping fights, and just boring. The amazing skill of the players was lost.

As for mennis, I used to love watching the McCenroe/Connors type dudes in big tourneys. I was all about it. Now? I just don't care. I'm not alone either. Mennis needs Americans to be good. There are 2 in the top 10 (Roddick and James Blake) but 99% of sports fans don't know blake from the guy that does their taxes. I can watch a golf tourney now and then. My favorite thing to watch is the Ryder Cup. Mennis has one of those too but no one cares about it. That needs to be the big thing and the US needs to do well in it. Showcase the American stars.

None of this will happen. I don't think there was a point to this blog. It's what I was thinking about just now so I started writing. Sometimes, you get sh*tty blogs.

Hard Of Hearing My A$$

Went to Topaz last night. Standard apathetic crowd plus 'mailing it in comic' made for a normal Thursday evening...with the following exception. Giddyup.

About 1 minute into my set, the crowd had 0 energy. In an attempt to involve them, I introduced the next premise by asking the audience member nearest the stage a question. This is a standard practice that has been perfected by Joe Robinson...perfected.

The woman just stared at me. Here is what happened next:

Me: 'yes ma'am, you're the only person I can see from up here (bright light). Do you ever get stuck in a really awkward conversation you can't get out of (the premise)?

Woman: ........ (blank stare).......(begins to look at her friend at the table)

Me: (in a joking way) 'Don't look away, we're having a moment.'

Woman: (looks back at me)...................... (makes a couple signs with her fingers and in a barely audible tone says...) 'I'M DEAF'.

.....................................................................................................................................................................

Holy sh*t.....the place goes dead silent. I am a heap of flummoxed awkwardness wrapped in a shabingus on stilts at the DMV. The crowd hates me...HATES. Like visceral and angry hatred. Like I'm Nikoli Volkov signing the Russian Anthem during the Cold War...that kind. Nothing I say can make this right for several minutes. I muddle through with some awkward comments and failed attempts at levity. I tried to finish the joke with the other lady at the table but quit on it after 17 seconds of Sisyphusian effort.

I am finally able to recover and have a decent last couple minutes. Over all, I am shaken. Seriously. This got to me. I went back out into the hallway with Jon Mumma and Justin Schlegel and I begin to lament how I may never be able to talk to the crowd again...ever. I think about retiring from comedy all together as I am the biggest D-bag that has ever walked. I ponder writing an apology letter when...

When I look up and the 'Deaf' woman walks on stage. I shoosh everyone and listen. She speaks normally. She isn't deaf people. She's just a new comic who uses the 'deaf thing' for a bit. I am stunned. Mumma is laughing. Justin is pissed. He wants to go talk to her. I'm more of the 'what do I care?' mold...which really means that I don't have the balls to confront anyone even when they screwed me.

As I'm by the exit, about to depart, the lady is standing there. This is uncomfortable for me as I'm talking to someone else. I basically do not pay much attention to her and she wanders off. I subsequently discover that Schlegel went and talked to her and basically said this:

1) You don't do that...ever
2) The 3 of us have worked our a$$es off for 3 years and are pretty well respected around here.
3) If you do something like that again, your 'career' will be over before it starts.

I love Justin.

Now, a few things on this:

-In the grand scheme of things, do I really care? No. It was a sh*tty set at THE Topaz. I'll be OK. Am I worried that this will derail my career? No.

-That said, it's still a pretty obnoxious move. Justin made a good point on one of his recent video blogs about how it's unthinkable for a comic to heckle another comic (some exceptions, like very good friends can f with each other but even then it's limited). You just don't. Well, this feeds out of the same trough. You don't kill another comic's set like that. While to some, it might seem like an innocent mistake. It's not. Here's why:

-Any comic who has had some amount of stagetime knows that there are things like this that can kill shows. There are dozens of these things; too numerous to mention. If you're not onstage, you're not onstage. It's not your time. Period end of story. You don't start committing to a bit 3 comics before you are on. Unless you've got something planned out with a colleague, you don't do that.

-Again, it was just an open mic but the point is, you never know. You don't know what could have been going on. It could have been Ryan Conner up there with a Conan O'Brien audition the next day (by the way, F Ryan in the A with crooked D) and you could have ruined his timing and confidence. That's just one example. You just don't know which is why, if you are sitting in the front row, you play along or, like most comics do, you sit in the back or out of the room entirely.



I'll be at Ned Devine's in Sterling tomorrow night with the aforementioned Joe Robinson. Come see us.

Georgia On My Mind

Read this: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/eticket/story?page=wilson

And then try and explain why the South shouldn't have an awful reputation. Half my family is southern and I'm embarrassed.

Next, watch Buddy Jackson. This week is funny.

After you've done all that, watch this video: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4634719741830048780

It's Guys Watching 24.

Following all that, read this and try to not to be afraid: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/01/24/AR2007012401646.html

That's a lot of work. Take a break....

We'll pick up again tomorrow.

Guys Watching 24 II

As promised, fresh from Chris White's editing dungeon:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4634719741830048780

I rate it an awesome out of good. I'm hoping Chris releases the outtakes on the dvd special edition...

Cheerleaders

I came across this article in Sports Illustrated. It's an editorial about how school boards are beginning to force cheerleaders to cheer at both mens' and womens' games. It's also about how pretty much no one is happy about it except for the few angry social activist parents and some school board people. Really? That's your project? That's what you go with?

My Sally, who is playing basketball to add some activities to her college resume, isn't being treated fairly because the cheerleaders, who no one pays attention to anyway at our super liberal new England encampment, don't come to her games because it makes the girls on the team uncomfortable. Great point.

Nothing else worthy of pursuing? How about trying to save the planet by encouraging people to unplug their electronics when not in use or other countless ways to reduce the effects of global warming? No, cheerleaders at all games? OK, you got it. Idiot.


A new Guys Watching 24 will be done soon. I went to Chris White's palace of love on Sunday. Jared Stern, Chris, and I (and a couple of Chris' friends) had a great time messing around like 3 comedians and a couple of friends of one of the guys. Chris has cool 'editing technology' and is locked in his 'editing suite' right now. I bet it turns out with awesomenessityness.

State of the Union tonight. I don't think I'll be tuning in because the Suns are in town playing the Wizards. I'm also not sure what the man can say right now: 'look, I know you guys are pissed...well I know you are...stop applauding that...oh for f*ck's sake...'

Anyone remember what he ran on a couple years back to get elected? Gay marriage?

Here's my open letter to Karl Rove.

Dear Karl,

Hey man, how are things? I'm good. Still in the DC area. Anyway, I was just thinking about how you used a non central issue for the future of the country to get people to come out and vote and how things like that take advantaged of the privilege of being in power. I was just wondering who you would like to play you when they make a movie about how you fleeced the American people and were running the show for both campaigns? I would vote for Matthew McConaughey because he only does rotten chickflicks now and he'll need something serious to try and restore his name so he can play a villain...meaning you.

Are you gonna play kickball again this year? It was fun last year.

See you never because you stay hidden.

Danny

Stuffersons

Sorry for the lateness today, I'm eye deep in shabingi.

-Drafthouse shows were a lot of fun. That's going to be a good venue for comics. Thanks to everyone that made it out and made it possible.

-I shot another Guys Watching 24 episode yesterday. It's going to be really funny. More details to come.

-Colts are early 7 point favorites. Does that shock anyone else?

-I'm already sick of the Super Bowl storylines.

-More later this week.

Draft Heezy

Come to the Arlington Cinema 'N Drafthouse tonight and tomorrow night; yes, both nights. I'll be there with Rory Scovel and Andy Kindler. That was 3 hyperlinks in 1 sentence.

The Drafthouse is an awesome venue. The show will match the awesomeness of the venue.

Tonight: 7:45
Saturday: 9:45

Tix are $18. Lots of people are already saying 'greatest show ever'. Lots.

Why Backstreet Broke Down Before 'N Sync

It's about star power. Were they the better boy band? Without a doubt. What were they missing? That one guy. That 'leader'. Even though he wasn't the leader of the band, Justin Timberlake was clearly bigger than the group. You get the teenage chicks and awkward 30-somethings following you, you win the showdown.

You don't believe they were the better band? Here is some knowledge:

-According to Jive Records, the band is "the highest selling boy band of all time", selling 98 million albums worldwide.

-"I Want It That Way" was ranked No. 10 on Rolling Stone & MTV's 100 Greatest Pop Songs list.

-The Backstreet Boys are the only artists to win a record four World Music Awards for three years in a row since 1999-2001.

There's more. But you get the idea. The people that tell you 'N Sync was better either don't know what they are talking about or were mesmerized by the star power.

Let's get into the matchup:

Signature Album:

BSB (Backstreet Boys): Millenium

NS ('N Sync): No Strings Attached

-No strings had the highest first week album sales in pop history (2.4 million copies). That's a big deal. Worldwide, sales exceeded 15 million...or the same level as Black and Blue, Backstreet's 2nd highest selling album of all time.

-Millenium sold in excess of 30 million copies.

Best songs from signature albums:

BSB: 3) Show Me the Meaning Of Being Lonely 2) Larger Than Life 3) I Want It That Way

NS: 3) This I Promise You 2) It's Gonna Be Me 1) Bye Bye Bye

Matchup of #3s, has to go to BSB. #2s, Def 'N Sync...as to #1s...This is where it can get heated. We've got to try and break this down scientifically:

BBB- better video. Hallmark dance steps, still mimicked (I can no longer do this routine for the record...but there was a time that I could...and did)

IWITW: Underrated video, very well done. Just a bunch of shots of chicks losing their minds with the boys getting off a plane and other things. I still have a lip sync dance with gestures to this...

IWITW- The song was voted #10 in the MTV/Rolling Stone list of the "100 Greatest Pop Songs Of All Time" in 2000. It was ranked #16 on Blender Magazine's 500 Greatest Songs Since You Were Born list and #61 on Vh1 100 Greatest Songs Of The Past 25 Years.

BBB- #55 in Rolling Stone's Top 100 Pop Songs List, #165 on Blender's 500 list, and it did not make VH1's list

Take away the visuals, and you have a catchy song vs a timeless ballad of confusion and catchy angst....advantage...'I Want It That Way'.

Both groups broke down around the same time but for totally different reasons.

'N Sync broke up because the band members wanted to pursue other things: JC Chasez and Timberlake wanted to rock solo careers, Lance Bass wanted to be gay (zinger), Joey Fatone wanted to act (and act he did. Can someone say star power!), and Chris Kirkpatrick has been involved with production (albums, some film things and other sundry works)

Backstreet broke up for a few reasons: AJ McLean had some issues with the sauce and other illicit substances. Kevin Richardson wanted to be an actor (he's done some work on Broadway). The other reason for the breakup was the enormous lawsuit the boys filed against their record company claiming a breech of contract. The end result was that everyone left the company and their management agency...except Nick Carter; who, with the backing of Jive Records, released a solo album that sold tens of copies. I honestly don't know what Howie Dorough is doing right now but I can tell you that Brian Latrell played on God's team so, he might be doing something in that vein.

We remember both bands for what they were. We will not forget what they meant to so many of us...

Discussion

My buddy Quincy and I just had a great lunch discussion. Here was the question posed:

2 songs that are the MOST 80s. Not necessarily the most popular songs or had the most musical impact or were even the most memorable. 2 songs that you could let an alien listen to and say: 'This summarizes the decade'. Here are the songs that we decided were it:

Take on Me by Ah-Ha

Rapper's Delight by the Sugar Hill Gang.

Here's who narrowly missed:

Billie Jean/Thriller by Michael Jackson

Everybody Wants to Rule the World by Tears for Fears

Don't You Forget About Me by Simple Minds

Here I Go Again by Whitesnake

It's Tricky by Run DMC

The Message by Grandmaster Flash

Don't Stop Believing by Journey

There were several others that were mentioned but were quickly eliminated. Here was the reasoning:

1) Ah-Ha, when you hear it, you immediately go to the 80s. Fact. No song is more 80s. Doesn't mean it was the best or anything, just means that nothing typifies the period better. It has all the elements you need so it covers the Tears for Fears/Duran Duran/Mister Mister type bands. It's just enough rock so that you can include the Journey/Huey Lewis and such but it has that keyboard and emo feel to it to get those first group plus a little bit of the clash in there too.

2) The most important element of the discussion was that we had to decide what genres we were going to choose. Obviously, with our selections, we lose the hair band/big ballad/cheese rock that made such a huge dent. This is regrettable. No other way to put it. But, we only get 2 selections. So, GNR, Def Leapard, Scorpion, Skid Row, Van Halen, Poison, Motley Crue and others have to sit this play out. That hurt to type but tough decisions have to be made.

3) The poppy style rock we decided was the first element represented and we felt the natural choice was Ah-Ha. The 2nd category was harder. What was next? Rap music was in its infancy. We went with Sugar Hill gang, again, not because it had the 'greatest impact' (though I could argue that it did) but nothing better typified the 'happy and upbeat' style of 80s rap. Very catchy beat, pleasant lyrics, extremely palatable and accessible to white folks (as opposed to Public Enemy for example). You get that alien in a room and tell him: 'Hey bruh...no its just an expression. OK, here it is. This was the style. It was happy, awkward dancing, and sweaters...'

I don't know if we did the right thing here...it was not easy.

Return of the Mac

You forgot. Didn't you? Admit it. You were like I was. "Yeah, the new 24 season looks pretty cool." Then they reminded you. They smacked you in the mouthpiece.

4 hours worth of mouth-smacking.

He bit the dude's neck! Are you kidding? Sorry about what happened to you in the Chinese prison...if you have a sec, can you get traded to an evil MF in exchange for a former evil MF (who i'm still not sure isn't evil by the way), escape, rescue the former evil MF, and follow a few leads for us...oh, yeah and Jack? Yeah, awkward...ummm, please shoot your boy in the clavicle.

Yeah. Wow. I didn't like Curtis at first. Did you know that? How could you? I never told you. Well I didn't. Then something happened. It was last season. There was a change. It wasn't in Curtis..it was in me. I changed and I realized something. Curtis executes. That's it. He is an executor. Not black cloth on the head executioner, but a dude that handles it in the field. "All units, do ____". That's Curtis in a nutshell. I'm going to miss him. He was one of my guys.

Also, a big Frederick, MD style BBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO to Audrey Rizzle for leaving. How's the Unit working out? Dummy. Those 4 hours should have been sprinkled with Audrey Rizzle. Not Chloe. Putting make up and hair dye on Chloe is like putting make up and hair dye on an unattractive woman to try and side track me from the fact that Kim Raver is no longer on the show.

Justin Schlegel called me last night at 10:15 and yelled for 15 minutes into the phone. We both agree. The show is now an 11/10. What an amazing program of mirth.

A few other observations:

-The inclusion of Taj/Kumar (Tajmar) was ballsy. I ended up liking it a lot. He actually did a good job I thought. It was weird to have Tajmar on there at first because I expected him to break into his 'vax it! vax it' speech from Van Wilder at any time.

-Super Gay Robot Voice Man Version 2.0 is here. This time with more undermining! Tennox (Thomas Lennox) is a complete chooch. Such an unlikeable character. I don't know enough about acting to know if this is good acting or not. I do know that like my feelings about Bill Paxton, I have never liked this dude in anything. When have you ever watched something and gone, 'you know who could have done this really well? ummm, Bill Paxton!' Anyway, Peter MacNicol should have been sent to an internment camp after Ally McBeal. In fact, any male that appeared on that shabingus or sexual congress in the metropolis should not be allowed to interact with society. You can talk to each other, just not the rest of us.

- Wayne Palmer? Seriously? Walmer? OK, I guess...I mean...all right...right? This is OK right? No one has a problem with this?...OK, i'm letting it go.

-Is anyone else out there as giddy as I am that Jack Bauer will be putting the chokes on 'Bald dude from Robocop who was behind last season's shabingi? I found that to be an unfinished symphony from last year. Cannot wait until that dude gets choked out. What's that bruh? I can't hear you, you're wind pipe is collapsed...

-Has anyone else noticed the intrinsic ties between 24 and Robocop? No one else? Ok, good talk.

-I'm thoroughly excited about this season.

You Ever Bomb?

Yes. I love that question from people who are amazed that I do standup comedy. They ask with this morbid curiosity as if to say: 'how in the world could you subject yourself to that?...a$$'

I bomb all the time. I bombed twice last night. It eats away at you at first. I used to get really upset. Like, don't talk to me I'm working on this with me, upset. Now, I just get annoyed and try to figure out why. You try to learn from it and then when you realized that your new jokes are awful, you get pissed off and start to wonder why you are trying to make a career out of something when you are so deficient at the process of becoming good. It's frustrating...like the fact that the original Saved By The Bell cast doesn't hang out anymore.

Andy Haynes started an open mic at The Reef in Adams Morgan. It's kind of a tough layout for comedy but it's a fun and intimate venue. This is a fancy way of saying that no one there last night was even a little interested in what I had to say at any point. The best part of my set was when a girl with a broken foot came in and sat down right on 'the stage' and one dude yelled: 'Get off the stage!' and it wasn't clear if he was talking to me or the little girl. Either way, it was awkward.

New jokes are like children. You can throw them away and create new ones.

I'm becoming giddy as the weekend of wondrous sport draws near. Let's go Saints.

Note: I hate eagles fans. I've railed against them in the past so no need to re-hash. There are 3 I would like to recognize at this time who are working to change tomorrow for the better:

1) Erin Jackson. She's a good person. It's not really her fault that she likes the eagles. You can tell, that if she were from another part of the country, she would have adopted a more reasonable team.

2) Chris White: A reasonable guy. He's smart. He plays that underdog angle. You can see by the title of his blog (ChrisWhiteSucks.com). Chris doesn't suck but he likes to beat himself up. He likes the sadness. He should root for philly teams because they make people sad.

3) Jon Mumma: Little scrappy Jon Mumma. He grew up outside of philly and dreamed of one day playing for his hometown team. He was a college football player who smacked people around and hit much bigger than his size. Basically what I'm saying is, Jon is Rocky Balboa, a fictional character from Philadelphia who has a monument to him which is a disgrace because the real boxing hero JOE FRAZIER is from philly.

Speaking of me being a complete pu$$y, at Topaz last night, I saw Congressman Heath Shuler talking to a girl I know. She is one of two identical twins so I never know if its the one I know really well or not. Knock knock. -Who's there? -Ummmm NAMETAGS. Anyway, I swore to myself, if I ever saw him, I'd scream at him for what he did to my beloved Washington Redksins; basically marking the beginning of 15 years of ineptitude since Joe Gibbs retired by being one of the worst pro quarterbacks in the history of the sport. What did I do? I walked by a few times, looked at the ground, and told a couple people he was there. I hate myself. I should root for philly. Zinger.

Have a nice weekend unless you live in Arizona because you're whole state is bigoted.

Forgetful Jones

This is me. I mean, it's not really me but it's a good depiction of me. This dude couldn't remember anything and it frustrated the sh*t out of everyone who watched. I have one of the most acute cases of ADD on record. They were supposed to take my picture to put it next to the definition of ADD in the dictionary but I forgot about the photo shoot and ate cookie dough and played Madden while listening to a playlist on my computer while talking on my cell phone while remembering the time that I threw up in a Dairy Queen and my mom didn't believe me when I said I was going to and then I did and had a smug sense of satisfaction when the puke hit the ground and I was all: 'I can lie as much as I want now because you thought I was crying wolf and wasn't so now I have impeccable credibility until you catch me intercepting the mail with my grades in it because I stopped reading the English book after the first night and I got my first D which is a big deal at a small private school where I had a flat top but couldn't get my hair cut often enough so I just had a puffy head and was awkward from age 9-25 because my nose was to big for my face and my head is oddly shaped which makes it hard for me to get a good haircut which I got once when my girlfriend in high school's mom paid for it to get taken at a fancy salon by a Latin woman who had terrible hair herself and how can someone who has terrible hair be an authority on how to cut your hair; shouldn't your own style be evidence enough that your opinion cannot be trusted like if you think Nascar is good, how can you be trusted to care for a child; like what if the kid comes home and is like, "Daddy, I don't know how to ask Chrystal out on a date because I'm nervous" and you're watching a race? You don't know what to do and no, Dale is not coming down to help you get through this so look at your son and say: 'I have wasted my life. I apologize to you. Now, its too late for me but you can do anything', and then the kid is inspired and he doesn't ask Chrystal out because she is going to live in that town forever and live in a small one floor house with the guy that gets her preggers first and he decides to dedicate himself to writing and he's good; like really good but not good enough to write books just screenplays and movie treatments so he does and then he runs into a car of a mafia guy one time and they force him to make a movie or die so he greenlights a sequel to a movie that should never be made and it flops and he's an outcast and it was all because I can't remember what I wanted to write about today when I opened blogger. Sh*t.

Weekend of Great Specticle

I realized moments ago that this coming weekend boasts some wonderful bits of entertainment.

-The NFL playoffs boast 3 great matchups and 1 matchup that everyone thinks will be good but will be a terrible game to watch.

-Patriots/Chargers: Brady, the biggest winner of this sports generation vs. the best team this year in the NFL with LDT (LT was a different person. You don't just use the same nickname. That's especially true when the first guy was one of the best 5 players ever and CHANGED THE GAME FOREVER). On paper, looks like the game of the week.

-Ravens/Colts: There is some filthy history here with the Colts being jacked from Baltimore many moons ago by one of the 5 worst owners in the history of pro sport. The fans in crackmore will be all kinds of fired up.

-Saints/iggles: Literally, the forces of good vs evil. Please officially consider me on the Saints bandwagon. Let's go Superdome.

-Seahawks/Bears: Someone has to win this game. Both teams will try to lose it. My honest prediction is that this will be one of the worst played playoff games ever.


-A little program called 24 returns with a 2-day, 4 hour shabingus. My Mondays will not belong to me for 20 weeks or so. I could not be more excited.

That's all I'm writing about today... Except for the fact that I have cool news coming soon.

The In-Between Step

I have several new premises right now that I know are good premises. Not a single one of said premises is a serviceable joke. The difference between me and a super tight headlining comic is that they make this conversion; so do, for that matter some of the best comics in the DC area (don't believe me? check out Ryan Conner's joke book sometime among others). The point is, good comics can take a good idea and turn it into a good joke. The further down the comedy ladder you go, the lower the % of good ideas turn into good jokes.

A good idea can be anything. If I handed my good idea to eddie gosling, it would be an awesome joke within a week. If I handed that same idea to that horrendous blonde haired lady who I've seen at Topaz a couple times she would just turn it into another Paris Hilton parody song and her 4 middle aged women friends would call her edgy at the next book club meeting.

This is something I have to improve. I have to have a higher shooting % on my good ideas. I've thrown so many things away just because I couldn't make a bit of funny out of them. What's my greatest strength? Impersonations. I have 3 jokes where I do a voice other than my own. I have hundreds of voices just sitting in the can. Why? I cannot figure out how to make jokes out of them. I'm not going to stand up there and go:

'What would it sound like if Bill Clinton was playing jai alai with Charlie Murphy while Sean Connery ate a snow cone?'

Note: Reason # 148 not to go to the Boston Comedy Festival. The guy that won my round had nothing but premises like these. He did an Archie Bunker....an Archie Bunker! "what would it sound like if Archi Bunker had sex?.......Aaaaaahhhhhh Jeeeez 'dere Edith!" When they announced that that guy had won and he came on stage, my buddy in the crowd stands up and goes: 'are you f*cking kidding me?'

I hate new year's resolutions as they are just another way to feel badly about your failures. I will say that this year, I'm not going to be so lazy with my writing. I'm not going onstage with the 'let me see if I come up with something when I'm up there' mindset for an unfinished premise. I'm going to have an idea. If it doesn't work, i'll try another one.

Romosapien

Thank God. I mean ha! Can you believe that? Don't know what I mean? Watch THIS! If that doesn't make you happier than a pig in poop, than you are a cowpersons fan. If you are a cowpersons fan you should not be reading my blog; you should be at home coloring (one of my favorite Daniel Tosh lines ever). I was at a bar on Saturday evening and everyone just flat out had a better time because of this folly. What a joyous thing to have happen. The Christmas season really does extend into the new year like Jesus said.

If you think about it, this is like one of those tragic poems. A hero rises from the ashes of a broken empire, receives tons of acclaim (unwarranted) in a short period of time, allows it to affect him, and ultimately fails and crushes his kingdom dooming them to despair. This was the original premise to 'Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift' but they edited that out. F the cowpersons in the A with a crooked D with spikes and battery acid. Awesome.

People need to remember something. Today is Monday. What are YOU, the reader supposed to do on Mondays? That's right, watch the web sitcom of mirthful merryment: www.buddyjackson.com. Let's go people, I don't ask for much (lie, I ask for a lot. I'm a d*ck. Why do I do that?). Go there, watch the show. This week is a tight episode...I know, I was there man.

Tonight is the national title game in college football. Neither team has played for 6 weeks. Great system. The idea being that the players need time to study for exams. Coaches respect that. That's why they kept them at school over christmas and had them practice for hours every day, so the kids could study. For the life of me, I cannot believe no one is willing to listen to the 'bowl playoff' hybrid system invented by me. Here is how it works:

1) We don't allow annoying shaggy haired southern alumni to travel down to games, tailgate and intermingle with the fans. You have a window. The window is now closed bruh. You're just the awkward older guy.

2) You keep the bowls. More than half the teams in America went to bowl games that meant nothing. Keep them. The small pockets of people in #1 will still care.

3) You move the meaningless bowl games up 1 week and have a 'bowl final 4'

4) The top 4 teams in the country go at it. 1 v 4, 2 v 3. The winners of each play on New Years day. You tell me people wouldn't watch those games?

It means more money, less of a dragged out bowl season which regardless of what university liars say, is actually harder on the kids in terms of their academics, and a great set up of games. I'd much rather have the argument be about who's 4/5 than 1/2. You eliminate the scenarios like when Auburn was nasty and just watched helplessly, or USC the year before when LSU only had to beat a bullcrap Oklahoma team...the point is, I hate southern dudes that still think they are in college.

When Larry Poon Talks...

You listen. Last night, outside of a Pawn shop in Fredirick, MD I ran into Larry Poon and his entourage. Normally, he'd just brush by me like he would any other fan or x wife. Well, this time he stops. Right there. He turns to me and goes:

"I read your blog...Lately, it's been awful..."

He puts his sunglasses back on, snaps his fingers, his driver Ralphie breaks me off a 20 and they leave. It was surreal.

I got a few things from this.

1) Larry Poon reads my blog. That means something.

2) I guess he thinks I've been off my game lately. I admit the youtube vids were a copout.

3) As the group rolled past me like a steam engine, Nate Diamond gets lifts his cell from his mouth and says to me out of the side of his mouth: 'he wants more advice stuff kid...now get the f*ck out of my f*cking way'.

I'll do better I promise.

Youtube

Here are some of my favorite youtube videos. Anyone who wants to add to this should. These are just ones off the top of my head. I've watched others...so many others..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3DtKMEO9N0

-Leroy Jenkins

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4HtOJwql5Vo

-David Blaine street magic

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8G_trnJJYuI

-RBI Baseball 1986 Game 6 re-enactment

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4u6RlOhO0oU

-Crazy Japenese Dude on a trampoline

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-feLDOpJfYg

-YATTA!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XNEMloAZ7A

-Barry Sanders

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbq8Lv5frwQ

-Michael Jordan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsXjb1_XsCc

-Magic Johnson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WeJhJDOwXUM

-Mike Tyson's knockouts

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZ7KCmvbPyk

-The impersonations are absurd

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FP9UcAmASMI&mode=related&search=

-Drive by farting...i'm still laughing at this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSOSJ68xOBA

-Whistle Tips with Bubb Rubb and lil' Sis

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ccWrbGEFgI8

-Gears of War Trailer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIMA_wgq-ak

-Last and not least, the Transformers movie trailer.

That's all for today. Goodbye everyone. Goodbye forever until tomorrow.

Since I'm Tired...

I'm going to list things I hate. It's because I'm in a salty mood from tired...ness. Feel free to add on.

-I hate most fashion trends for women. Big sunglasses look terrible. How can fashion trends lead women to look worse? Sundresses, skirts, jeans and normal tops...and hats. Everything else is just stupid.

-I hate the word 'cigarrette'.

-I hate when people start advice with: 'why don't you just _____'. It is super condescending and makes it sound like it's easy. This huge bama that used to date my female roommate once said to me when I was looking to buy a car: 'Why don't you just get a certified BMW?' After a few seconds of staring, I said: 'because no one is going to help me with the payments.'

-I hate it when I don't feel like answering questions and am asked questions

-I hate it when other drivers on the road do not share my agenda.

-I hate when people who have meaningless jobs act as if they are extremely important

-I hate it when people that work for the people mentioned above don't realize that these dudes are complete chooches.

-I hate it when my friends bring terrible friends to the table. How could you be friends with that guy wearing the blue tuxedo shirt on New Years and me at the same time?

-I hate discord.

-I hate the time after the flight ends but before you can get off the plane.

-I hate being sweaty in work clothes

-I hate it when I did what I was supposed to do and because someone else screws up, I have to do more.

-I have double hatred for the above because you usually receive a combo of: 'You already did it but you have to do more' with 'you JUST have to do _____'. Its always something that doesn't sound that bad but is so upsetting to me...like the following:

-I hate talking on the phone to people I don't know.

-I hate making phone calls to business, agencies, individuals, groups of people in any sort of formal capacity.

-I hate it when people complain about the food in a restaurant/are rude to the waiter/do anything that could possibly upset the people that handle your food. I watch tv.

-I hate it when I don't get anything out of a performance.

-I hate how hard it is to get a smoothie where I live right now. This is America.

-I hate it when chicks complain about dudes.

-I hate people who cannot distinguish between minutia and import.

-I hate snakes.

-I hate when other people are frantic around me when they don't need to be

-I hate going to the grocery store. It amazes me that people do this on a regular basis.

-I hate putting things away.

-I hate cleaning.

-I hate medical dramas. They are all bad without exception always.

-I hate 'photo enforcement' traffic things

-I hate wine and wine people. It's rotten grapes dog. Simmer down.

-I hate the 'self-loathing' culture of the American intellectual elite where we blame our way of life for other people hating us.

-I hate the puncturing of my skin for any reason

-I hate when everyone is wrong about a movie and it gets too much credit.

-I hate being interrupted

-I hate being lied to

-I hate social agenda Republicans

-I hate big government Democrats

-I hate people that don't know anything so they say they are 'independent' or 'moderate' when they should just say: 'ignorant'.

I'm done now before this gets too long...I hate things that are too long.

Another New Streak

My post from yesterday didn't make it up. So, 12/29/06...the new streak begins again. Kinda frustrating for the organization right out of the gate. I mean, guys work so hard in the off-season and you come out here...and something like that happens...it's just a shame. I feel bad for our guys who were so committed. They were in here every day, in the film room, working out...I'll probably get fined for saying this but I don't care; my guys deserve better.

I went to 'THE Topaz' last night. Both audience members could tell you how bad I was. I haven't really had to a chance to travel to an open microphone for many moons and actually try some new things. I did nothing but brand new ideas. Mabye...maybe one good one in there. Always says a lot about your creative process when you have 10 ideas you think are great, you leave them alone for a week, come back and look at them and then realize you only have 4 good ideas, take them to the stage and realize that only 1 of those ideas might have legs.

I'm headlining the show at the Bethesda Hyatt tomorrow night. My buddy Kojo Mante is on the show. I heart Kojo. He's a really smart guy who has taken to comedy the right way. He constantly works at it, listens to guys who have been there, and has some great material. He's also patient. He's not like a lot of comics who want to rush to get paid. It's not about that. I was like that and it was to my detriment. I didn't have anyone to tell me that I was an idiot. Where was Joe Robinson's blog then? Huh Joe? You selfish a$$. Yeah, start writing advice after I already make the mistakes. Why do I do that? I'll tell you why. It's because you're a farty face. I didn't mean that. Come to the show on Saturday. It starts at 8.

Right now, you're going: 'That's great Danny, but who is the guy in the picture up there?' That is who comes up when you google Joe Robinson in images. I don't do much at work.

My next post will likely be in the New Year. I know this is kind of bush league but I wanted to take a second and say a few things to the couple people that read this blog. Here they are:

1) Thank you.

2) 2006 has been a pretty amazing year for me and a lot of my friends in and out of comedy. I am so thankful for all my friends both in the crowds that have come to support me and behind the scenes that have helped me grow as a comic and as a person.

3) I am hopeful for even more in 2007. I had some rough lessons in the '06 and I cannot wait to grow and become better and am incredibly excited to watch my friends do the same. Each of us has a different piece of iron in the fire and I'm confident we'll all have really awesome swords.

4) I hate saying things like 'help me grow as a person' because that implies I'm somehow awesome now. I always found things like this to be kind of conceited. Example: I almost started crying in Whole Foods last night because they were closing in 10 minutes and I had no idea what I wanted to eat or enough sand in my bags to ask the guy behind the deli to grab me a sandwich because he was busy cleaning up and I was afraid he would hate me because I was delaying his being able to leave. Does that sound like someone who has 'grown as a person'? This is a long way of saying: 'Thank God for my special lady friend'. Seriously.

5) I basically have 2 jobs. I'm so incredibly busy most of the time it's a joke. There are a lot of people who I don't get to see as much as I'd like to and I feel awful about it. It's something that cannot be helped I guess but I hope people know it's not because we had a friend divorce or something.

6) Have a happy and safe start to your new year. Thanks again for reading.

NYE

I am pretty much over New Year's Parties. I am all through paying $200 to wait forever to get drinks and basking in the afterglow of 'expectations' for an evening. If you're single, terrible time to be single as NYE. If you have a _F, it's annoying to spend that much $ to hang out with each other and there is a 37% fight probability. Add this to the fact that some of friends will be non-committal and ultimately not go where you are plus the fact that your boy/girl will always bring someone atrocious to the table that you didn't know before. New Years is like prom for grown-ups.

The other day, my boy Jon and I had the following exchange:

Me: I'm totally dead on spending a lot of money on New Years

Jon: I'm dead on people not wanting to spend money on New Years

Me: We are at an impass

Jon: Not in concert.

Me: OK, talk to you later.

Jon: Thanks so much.

Good talk.

-Former president Gerald Ford passed away. I was embarrassed when I started thinking about how little I actually knew about him. I know that he took over for Nixon...and that Chevy Chase used to fall down a lot impersonating him on SNL...that's it.

-I have watched this video so many times. It is hilarious. This very serious group of guys is playing Warcraft. Lots of subtle bits of humor in here. Observe the seriousness and frustration...and even angst of some of the players because of how meaningful this is.

The rest speaks for itself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkCNJRfSZBU

The Birth of Jesus

Almost, 75 years ago this past Monday, Jesus was born. We all celebrated by filling socks up with nickels and hitting those less fortunate than ourselves in the face. Some took it a step further and put the nickels in the frying pan to get them hot and then put them in a re-enforced wool sock and then went to work. This is where the expression: 'She was so ugly, it look like someone beat her with a hot sack of nickels' comes from.

I hope you all had a nice holiday. Mine was quite good but it felt too short. I am back at work today which seems more appalling as the day progresses. That is the thing I miss the most about being in school: the astoundingly long breaks. I'd get up at noon, go work out (it's boring but weights are my life), then go out and get stupid drunk and play video games until 4. That was awesome. Now? I'm back at work the day after Christmas. The other people in the office think is reasonable. I think a happy medium exists between my idea of not going back here until January 22nd and their 'right back at it on Dec 26' philosophy.

I got a ton of dvds for Christmas because I am unimaginative when asked what I want for Christmas. I have taken to labelling them as I have had some shady dvd disappearances over the years.

I am going to the Wizards game tonight as part of a Christmas Gift Package from my SLF (Special Lady Friend). I am excited for this as I haven't been to a game this year. I will save my Wizards analysis for a more private setting...

My week at the Improv was a lot of fun. Eddie Gosling is a really great guy. It's cool that there are guys like him out there in comedy.

Why Am I Here?

I'm at work today. No one knows why right now. It's so weird here. I cannot leave for a while. This goes under the 'annoying' category.

I hope none of you are at work. Because it's dumb.

Come to the Improv tonight and tomorrow night for all 4 shows. Anyone does it, they get a burrito.

Have a great holiday.

#2

Show #2 was a lot of fun. That is the theme of the week. Eddie Gosling is a fun dude. He's a great guy and a great comic. This week has been a blast so far. 8:30 tonight at the DC Improv.

My gmail account was severaly corrupted by a BS Christmas Card virus thingy. I have no idea how it happened but it basically ruined my original. I had to get a whole new adress. Note: this is an a$$ pain. It honks.

My office is pretty deserted today. It will be more so tomorrow. No better time to come to work in my opinion. I smell a Constanza nap under my desk on the morrow...'twil be a grand time indeed. No idea why I went to the British type there...ta ta.

A Joyous Week

Quick hit style:

-Last night's show at the improv with Eddie Gosling was a lot of fun. He's good and he's a really cool guy. That makes it fun.

-Somehow, a bunch of people got some kind of spam/virus/shabingus from me. I have no idea how it happened as I never signed up or anything. This is totally beat. Someone is out to get me. I bet it's the same guy that ripped my act in a comment a few weeks ago. He HATES my 'poorly drawn accents' so he took it out on me with an elaborate fake e-christmas card scam.

-Sometimes in work, we are forced to associate with terrible people. Hypothetically, in my office there could be a horrendous dude. This 0ne pretend guy is about as abrasive as a person can be. This is a man that cannot be bothered to dial phone numbers on his own. He says things like: 'get ____ on the phone'. This is always awkward: 'Yeah, I don't want to talk to you, this other guy does...' We have a pretty neat phone system here dude. Local extension. 4 digits. I will learn you so we can streamline this whole process. Also, go to hell.

-There are lots of movies in the 'Point Break Pantheon'. These are films that, if they are on, I will always watch them through to the end. Here is a quick list. There are more but this is off the top of my head:

-Point Break, Rocky III and IV, Teen Wolf, Die Hard, Major League, Predator, Top Gun, Wildcats, Willow, The Program, and Tremors.

Lots of the above are not good movies. I have no explanation as to why I cannot turn away from them. Other movies that are great, I can go in and out of. I have never been able to figure this out. Anyone who does should get a Nobel Prize.

-Merry Christmas

-Come to shows this week.

The Worst Brawl Ever

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3w18cIAicoE

That's it. That is the brawl. 1 half punch/half slap gets thrown and guys are getting suspended for weeks. Carmelo Anthony got 15 games for that. That is so emabarrasing.

Your average Carolina Hurricans/Atlanta Thrashers 2nd period shabingus has 987 times more carnage. Also, the NHL sucks.

I have several points about this and I'm going to make them now:

1) When this happens in baseball/hockey, its 'fun' or its just a 'frecas' or some kind of cookey word. When it happens in the NBA, people over-react and say that the players are out of control. These are the same people that make the 'high school kids shouldn't play in the NBA' arguments but have no problem with high school players being drafted to toil away in the minor leagues. This is a race issue. People react this way because the majority of NBA-ers are black and baseball players are white. Horrible double standard.

2) The NBA has created its own monster. They promoted individuality, they promoted stars, they promoted the different apparel and the hip hop image. Now, that's who they get. The NFL, with VERY few exceptions, markets the product of football and not stars. The NBA is the exact opposite. You're going to get bad behavior. David Stern (the NBA commissioner) has made his bed and he's trying not to sleep in it.

3) I understand trying to send a message, but the amount of the suspensions is absurd to me. Roughly 1/4 of the remaining season will be taken away from a potential MVP candidate. Of course he deserves to be punished but the amount is nonsense. It stayed on the court (so it wasn't Artest/Jackson/O'Neal/Wallace territory) and it was a shot at a guy who could have seriously injured a teammate with a ridiculous foul. 5 games max. Instead, punishing for the sake of punishing a guy that threw a punch. It's like Stern only listened to one sentence of the story.

4) This shabingus is the classic case of someone trying apply a 'rule' when the thing before you shuold be judged on its own merits. Well, because I punished x for the worst embarrassment in NBA history last year, I have to do the same thing again for one of the least engaged sports fights of all time.

Random items:

-I had ritz chips today. Their deliciousness is unparalleled in the world.
-The Poonanza was awesome
-The show in Sterling happened. There were no witnesses who can say anything bad about me.
-My godson Gilbert Arenas dropped in 60 points last night. One of the more amazing feats in sport I have seen. Especially because he left his 60 points in Kobe Bryant's eyepiece. Note: Kobe Bryant is one of the biggest scumbags ever to live and I dislike him with a high passion.
-This was a very NBA focused blog. Not many people I know like the NBA. Sorry about that.

Tonight...I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight

Brothers! What we do in life echoes in eternity.

-Larry Poon at the 1st writers meeting for the Very Larry Christmas Show and 4 Square Tournament (also Gladiator but Larry Poon does not watch those kinds of movies)

The show is tonight. Packed house at the Warehouse Theater. We're looking at about 110 reserved. That means get there and get there early. The awesomeness of the show will be high and the badness will be low.

Also, I've been so tied up with Poonanza planning, that I totally forgot to mention a really cool show on Saturday. Justin Schlegel and I will be at Ned Devine's in Sterling. Good buddy Rob Maher has hooked up some Saturday night shows at the beautiful venue. Should be a great time. Show starts at 7 which gives you plenty of time to get hammered and go drive in fields.

Finally, I'll be at the DC Improv next week opening for Eddie Gosling. He's funny so you should come to every show and watch every minute. Tuesday-Saturday at the Improv.

1 More Day

I know that there is pain...But you hold on for one more day and Break free the chains...Yeah I know that there is pain, But you hold on for one more day and you Break free, break from the chains...
Some day somebody's gonna make you want toTurn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day yeah
If you hold on...

Poonanza.

Yatta

This is my favorite video to watch on the internets. I used to watch this everyday at my old job. My boy and I would do the dancing...sometimes. If you can watch and not laugh, then you are dead inside.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6616479032362244465&q=yatta

Poonanza is shaping up to be wondrous. We had a great rehearsal last night that was hard to get through because the high amount of humor. Larry Poon actually said: 'That...now that is a hoot!'

Friday @ 10:30 PM
Warehouse Theater
$5 tickets.

Let me know if you want to reserve. Do not be the guy that reserves and doesn't show...

Strunk and White's 'The Elements of Style'

Poonanza Teaser:

A Russian gym coach, a first date, roller skating, a staff meeting, a web dating service, a concert, a duet, a trip to a strip club, and more.

Friday
10:30 PM
Warehouse Theater

Poonanza

Read in movie trailer voice:

Friday....

One MAN...

Will take other men...and a girl...on the adventure of a lifetime...

Very Larry Poonanza and 4-Square Tournament.

10:30 PM
Warehouse Theater
$5 tickets (reserve tix by emailing: larrypoon1@yahoo.com)

Awesomeness in exchange for currency.

Planned Drunkenness

I am going to get sh*t faced tonight. I rarely drink very much these days because I'm so busy with a job, standup, the meth lab, filming, and other stuff.

Tonight, my buddy is having a holiday party. I have very little to do tomorrow. So, I realized that I have the green light to tee it up and drink my face off. I'm going to be hammered like it was 1997 and it was a Thursday afternoon in high school...

Updates to follow.

The Redskins play the eagles this week. I hate the eagles. I have never been to a Redskins/eagles game where there wasn't some kind of shabingus because of eagles fans behaving terribly. I don't get this. I don't get why they have to be that way. Jon Mumma isn't that way. He blogged about it last week. They boo'ed when their QB got up from an injury. I just couldn't deal with being hated everywhere I went.

A while back, Chris White, who is an eagles fan, said it was awesome to live here and see the Redskins get all excited and fail every year. He said we were the Yankees of the NFL. I agreed for a while but then I realized that is totally wrong. The Jankeez win the division every year. They get to go to the big dance. The Skins have been twice since 1991. We are more like the Knicks of the NFL: terrible player acquisitions that cost us too much money and severe underachievement as a lovely side dish.

Being a DC sportsfan sucks.

Influences

Per the recommendation of my attorney friend Jon, I was thinking about some of the things that have influenced me comedically over the years. I'm going to talk about them and you will probably read them and think about them and agree with them.

Phase 1: Childhood - High School

In Living Color: So important. We forget. It was the first time I ever realized that I had the ability to impersonate when everyone gathered around me in 5th grade and I rocked a little Fire Marshall Bill on Mondays.

Characters:

Fire Marshall Bill: yup
Vera Demylo: Jim Carey's she-male thing. I still talk like this sometimes...when I'm alone
Antoine Jackson: When Damon Wayans was funny, he did the homeless guy and the dude that talked with miss-used big words. Amazing.
Dickie Peterson: another Jim Carey (it was 'James' then). The convinience store security guard. Basically, same voice as Cable Guy years later.
Parnell: Yet another Jim Carey, the nerdy kid with the chick who played 'Edna'. Hilariousness to me.

The Jerky Boys: The afforementioned Jon and I used to roll around listening to the Jerky Boys in the car. We'd force girls to listen to them and quoted them incessantly. It even inspired some real life prank phone calls from various locations.

Characters:

Sol Rosenberg: Reason #88 why Family Guy is great (more on them later) is that they got the guy who did Sol to play 'Mort' on the show (He also plays the bartender). So many good lines.
Frank Rizzo: The gold standard.
Kissell/Pico: No one was quite sure what this voice was, but it was really funny and I could do it. Kissell was always paired with Pico which made me laugh.
Tarbash the Egyptian Magician: incredible
Jack Tors: I am laughing right now as I type this name.

There were of course other sources of humor (Eddie Murphy, Jim Carey films) but those were the two big things.

College - Young Adult (Pre Comedy)

There were more influences in here. My attention was very spread out.

-The Big Lebowski: Incredible litmus test for a girl. If she likes it/gets it, you can talk to her.
-Family Guy: Round 1. Literally, its like they took stuff from when I was a kid, sprinkled it into an amazingly written show with hilarious characters, and then realized: 'its a cartoon. We can do whatever the f*ck we want'. If you are between 18-33 and don't like it, you're Russian.
-South Park: Its old for me now, but when it first hit, pretty awesome stuff. Those guys had the same epiphany: 'we can do whatever we want' and it was on cable so they did some great stuff. If the 'Academy' was't full of sh*t, the South Park Movie would have won best picture (blew American Beauty out of the water)
-Pablo Francisco: he came to GW and did a show. I was mesmerized. We had David Spade once and another guy who I cannot remember. Pablo wasn't a huge name at the time and was better than anything I had ever seen. At that point, the comics who were making it big were Seinfeld type guys doing observational humor and such. Pablo was the first guy I ever saw who did the opposite. He put you in a story and took you the whole way through, painting vivid images and giving so much energy to the crowd. Truly awesome. It made me think that 1) If I ever did comedy I'd want to do it like that 2) I can never do comedy because that guy is too good.
Christopher Guest films: Waiting for Guffman/Best In Show/Spinal Tap

Post Fun Young Adult and Beginning of Comedy Career:

Brian Reagan: if you don't know, its just irresponsible.
Mitch Hedberg: See above.
Dane Cook: Now, no one is more hated. They might all be right. I don't know. What I do know is that I saw that guy at the Improv and he put on the best show I've ever seen for an hour. Period. I was sore from laughing. I bought Harmful if Swallowed and thought it was just the best thing I'd ever heard. He was non-stop. Most every comic you talk to despises this guy but he will always remember how great he was before he was big.
The Office: The British Version. The funniest show with real actors in the history of television. Every character was perfect.

I'm sure I forgot some stuff that I think is funny. This was just off the top of my head.

I will close with a line from the Jerky Boys:

"Yibba dabba yibba dabba yibba dabba..............pooogh...loud"

Officer On Scene...

F&R^T*&FYUHGU%$%&%&#&*%$%$!

I had a long post that I deleted because I'm an idiot. I'm not reposting it. Here is the Cliff Notes version:

-Some cops walked in while Jay Haystings was onstage last night. It was really funny.

-Poonanza is coming. It will be good.

-My fantasy football team with the most tight players ever finished 9th. Absurd.

Fin.

Episode 3

Episode 3 of Buddy Jackson is up. This episode is a stretch for me... in that I play a jackass...which is what I always play...so it's not a stretch at all people...try and keep up.

Shooting that episode was as much fun as I have ever had doing anything ever with the possible exception of building a Lego fortress for my Transformers with my boy Ben and staging giant wars for energon and then eating cold cut sandwhiches with cheetos and drinking cokes and then going back to the wars (Funny Danny fact, when Ben would go over to my house and we'd pick him up, we always brought a small box of Transformers for the car ride. It was the rule. Ben LOVED the planes (Arielbots, Starscream, Blitz, Dirge, Ramjet, and Cyclonous). I preferred the the bigger land based Transformers (my fav of all time was Ultra Magnus) and the ones that formed larger superbots (Devastor, Bruticus, Superion))...

Anyway, go to www.buddyjackson.com and watch the shabingus of mirth. Bang.

The Streak????

I did a short blentry (blog entry) on Friday. I hit publish and then forgot to check and see if it was up. It did not make it onto the 'world wide web'. I think this means that the streak is over. Blog intent does not mean 'blog in fact'. So, after 1 year and a little over 3 months, the streak of posting every day when I was at work, ends. I am not sad, it is just another thing. For your information, here is what I intended to post on Friday. Not much, but it was something:

"Fridays are over-rated. I am always so tired by Friday night that I become slightly cranky and unpleasant in social settings. We are shooting Buddy Jackson stuff for 100 hours this weekend. I'm really excited about what we've done so far and there is a lot of cool stuff to come. I still cannot act."

That was it...

Here is today's topic:

Movie Cheating.

When you and a friend/girlfriend/boyfriend/family member/kidnapper talk about seeing a movie together, and cement a casual-formal pact that you will witness said movie and one or more persons breaks this bond and sees the film with someone else, this is Movie Cheating. I was movie cheated on this past weekend. It didn't feel good. The plus side is that my special lady friend not only has to see the same movie with me, but has to do a make-up movie of my choosing (Eragon. Dec 15 b*tches. This movie looks incredible to me. Read the book and I enjoyed it. As I read, I often thought, this would make a really good movie. Giddyup.)

Day 1 of the new streak...