Whoop Whoop

Thursday through Saturday, I'm featuring at Rascals in Baltimore. The headliner is William Troxler who I don't know anything about other than that he is the headliner. Should be a fun set of shows. That club is one of the best spaces I have ever performed in. Really great spot in a fun and trashy location...

Kidding, I heart Baltimore.

The Redskins won yesterday. I attended the contest and experienced so much joy due to the outcome of the contest. Strangers sharing in something great together. Pretty magical.

I believe that Santanna Moss is a video game character placed here by a higher being that is playing a video game with our lives...the point is that dude is so quick it cannot be real.

Out

Sawed Off Moeler Hand on the Gumms...

Yup, they took a saw to my tooth. Cut off the top half and put a replacement tooth on there. It was completely painless and by painless I mean everything hurts. Awesome.

Tonight, I just died in your arms tonight...That was Cutting Crew. But seriously, tonight, Warehouse Theater. Go there. 10:30 start. Geek Comedy Tour 3000

It will be fun with high amounts of Transforming, Hit Points, Elixirs, and nano-technology.

Shabingus

Sorry for the lateness on today's post. I am not at work today because of the absurd pain associated with having a hole in one's tooth. Procedure scheduled for tomorrow.

There is a comedy shabingus tomorrow night at the Warehouse Theater at 10:30. Should be a really fun show as a bunch of my most humorous comedy brethren will be in attendance.

Out.

There Is A Hole in My...

1) Congrats to Tim Miller, John McBride, and Sharyar Rizvi for finishing in the top 3 last night. Great show at the improv with an awesome lineup. I thought everyone did really well. Especially me. I was great.

2) Thanks to Jaystings and the Improv for having me. Again, I was great.

Now to business. I had expereinced occasional discomfort in a tooth over the course of a week or so. It wasn't much but it was noticeable. I had been subconsciously chewing on the opposite side of my mouth for a week. Yesterday, I took a bite of a bagel. The scream nearly broke windows.

I went to a bathroom and checked in the mirror. To my surprise, there was a hole in my tooth. I say again, a HOLE IN MY TOOTH. What? This is America. This is not Vietnam where holes appear at random. Right there, in the middle of my tooth, you could see through it. Needless to say, any contact is excrutiating.

I went to the dentist this morning for X rays and such. Here is the conversation that transpired:

Dental Attendant Chick (DAC): OK, well...yeah. Looks like you've got a hole in your tooth there. And uh, well it's prob-ly gonna have to come on out of there. So, you can just go ahead and schedule an appointment with a surgeon who can get it out of there for ya...

Me (horrified to the point of wanting to vomit and cry (vry) at the news) : OK...ummm...how does something like this happen? I mean, who has a hole in their tooth? You know? I mean, I looked yesterday, and there was a hole in my tooth. You don't just get holes in your teeth you know?

DAC: You know, it is just one of those things that happens...

Me: .............................................................................................................Thanks.

One of those things that happens? A traffic ticket is one of those things. A burp. A squirrel getting hit by a car. These are things that just happen. People do not just get holes in their teeth and have to have them yanked out of their head by a dude wearing a welder's mask holding a mitre saw and a pair of pliers.

Until then, I eat soup as any chewing feels like I am giving birth through my tooth. Awesome.

I'm still going onstage despite my discomfort. Why? Because I am a comedy soldier...it is also because without the attention I receive, I feel inadequate...and also the soldier thing.

In other news, the Madden Curse is uncanny. I am totally done in a $$$ fantasy football league because Sean Alexander's foot is dead.

DC Improv Tonight

I just told you where I will be in the title of this blog. I'm hosting the DC Improv Showcase. As most of you know, in general, I hate comedy contests like I hate racism. But, the DC Improv Contest is a bit different. It basically gives the club a chance to look at new comics. That is really it. So, this one is a good thing. I won this shabingus many moons ago and I have sky-rocketed to...well back to the contest. Awesome. So, come to the DC Improv tonight to support the next group of DC comedians.

My boys Tim Miller, John McBride, Dianna Saeeieeieieieeiz, Shahryr Rizvi, and Matt Liebman will all be on the show. They are all good comics and good dudes except for Dianna because she is a girl.

Show starts at 8:30. You should come. Yes, you.

Out.

Everything Is Just So Much Better...

When the Redskins win. We are still in last place in the division, philly is nasty, and we are flawed but I don't even care right now. There is just a weight off my shoulders (this is the weight I put on them when we lose. It is called the 'yoke of defeat' and it is really heavy).

I headlined a show at the Hyatt on Saturday. I did terribly. I subjected the other comics on the show to nearly an hour of material that was luke warm and slightly congealed. So, my bad dudes. Larry Poon was there. The crowd simply had no idea what to do when he was onstage. That is how good that guy is. Just a phenomenon.

For fun, I have attached some pictures of me from the show I have been filming. Oh yeah, whammy. I have been filming a show. It is good. Everyone involved is tight and there is humor. Updates to follow on the release but everyone will be able to see it and enjoy the spectacle. I play a frat dude that is kind of an a-hole. Note: This is a huge stretch for me because I wasn't in a frat, I played a sport...it is really different... Note also: The pic on the right I am doing Deniro. It is a good impersonation.

Die Hard

I watched Die Hard last night. I forgot how awesome that movie is. I give it credit for being one of the original gangsters of new school super tight summer blockbusters. It is right up there with Terminator for 'movie that regular dudes like but critics scoff at but they make movies for dudes not critics'.

So many wonderful elements. Here they be:

1) Bruce Willis: This made Brillis's career. He was totally somebody after this. Before? He had done a little tv and some smaller parts but he was not big. Ballsy to make a virtual unknown the star of a huge film. He nails this part.

2) Alan Rickman: Before Professor Snape he was Hans Gruber. Think for 30 seconds....can you name a better villain (regular humans only)? You should not be able to because he was the best. For the record, he is behind Darth Vader, the T-1000, and every handsome dude that has done a chick flick.

3) Paul Gleason: RIP man. You mess with the bull, you get the horns.

4) Reginal Veljohnson: Uncle Carl nailed this part. 'I need backup at Nakatomi! Now dammit! NOW!'

5) William Atherton: Professor Jerry Hathaway from Real Genius. No one could ever play the sleezy local reporter better.

6) I'm agent Johnson...this is Special Agent Johnson...no relation. Mint

7) Argyle: I don't know this dude's name but he was on 'Head of the Class' which was an underrated show.

8) Clarence Gilyard: You don't recognize this dude? What if I told you he played 'Sundown' in Top Gun? Now?...'We could have had 'em man...hey, we could have had 'em' - "I WILL FIRE WHEN I AM GODDAMM GOOD AND READY! YOU GOT THAT!"

9) When the bad guys open the vault, the soundtrack plays Ode to Joy and you find yourself rooting for them a little.

10) The dude that played the broker who tried to deal with Hans. "Hans...bubey...I'm your white knight." Awesome.

Great flick.

Other things:

I am at the Bethesda Hyatt this weekend. My good friend and fishing buddy Larry Poon will be there. He's just back from a weekend at the Chuckle Hut in Van Nuys, CA so we are lucky to have him. 7400 Wisconsin Ave in Bethesda.

I wish Rob Maher would update his blog more. That dude is funny and also a good dude. I'm still not watching the Wire...

Thanks

I was inundated with comments on yesterday's spring vs fall debate. And by inundated I mean no one said sh*t. Last time I rock the open forum. That is embarrassing. It is right up there with telling someone you love them and them telling you: "I love spending time with you..."

This blog will lead the blog league in randomness. Giddyup.

-In my Madden Franchise on 2007, I did not draft a player based soley on the fact that this last name was the same as an X girlfriend's. I don not know what this says about anyone involved.

-The NFL is really incredible. After last week's depressing effort against my my most hated team in the history of sport, I am somehow ready to give my squad another chance. This league has really taken a stranglehold on the American Universe.

-I feel like everyone is ignoring some really compelling baseball pennant races. There are more competitive teams than ever before thanks mostly to good organizations making good decisions. As long as someone beats the yankees, I'm happy.

-I really enjoy doing improv comedy and I am mad at myself that I have not found more outlets.

-Comedy Contests are great things and should be encouraged...along with random shin-kickings, lotteries where the winner has his/her eyebrows removed hair by hair, and those big sunglasses that are fashionable right now that make girls look incredibly foolish.

-On second thought, none of those things should be for any reason.

-Several months later, the Houston Texans passing on Reggie Bush still leads the all-time challenge for worst decisions by a pro sports franchise.

-The Venzuelan President called W 'the devil' the other day. Many might agree with his conclusion. Personally, hard to take a dude that is top boys with Iran seriously. Knock knock.
who's there? A Communist who focuses attention away from his rotting country by blaming the leader of a hedgemon...I'm not going to do the rest.

-A lot of people are telling me that I should watch 'The Wire' on HBO. The following are the reasons why I have not and will not watch it:
1) When one person (or several people) who's opinion I do not value tells me I 'have to watch a show', I don't do it under almost any circumstances.
2) When people who's opinion I do value tell me to watch something I still almost never do it because I hate being told what to do.
3) The unbearably high number of crappy comics and actors from the greater Baltimore area who put "the Wire" in their credits.

-My favorite cartoons as a child were:
1) Voltron
2) Transformers
3) Thundercats
4) He-Man
5) GI Joe

-The following is a list of the All-Time most underrated cartoons:
1) Gummi Bears
2) Chip 'N Dale's Rescue Rangers
3) Paw Paw Bears
4) Danger Mouse
5) Captain Caveman

The following is a list of cartoons that got way to much credit:
1) Talespin
2) Darkwing Duck
3) Go-Bots
4) She-Ra
5) Jabberjaw

-The following is a list of things that people only like because they force themselves to like becuase they think they are supposed to do so:
1) Wine
2) caviar
3) public transportation
4) Fashion Trends
5) small dogs

-A band I was really disappointed never did much after their debut album was the Stereo MCs. I used to love them.

-Ryan Conner did not know that the lead singer of REM was gay.

-There is nothing wrong with that, Ryan just didn't know. I knew.

-Congrats to Seaton Smith.

-I'm done for today. Last thought. Thanks to everyone who came and supported the team last night. Especially OC and the Petals Edge honies. You guys are the bestest or most best if we are speaking correctly. Word.

Fall v Spring: The Debate

1st, Arlington Cinema 'N Drafthouse tonight. Show starts at 7:45 PM. Ryan Conner, Seaton Smith, and me. There will be goodness in high amounts in addition to several units of joy. It is a contest so only some of us...or none of us...can move on. Should be fun.

I had another topic that I was going to drop but I got bored and deleted it. Instead, I roll with the open forum. Here is the topic:

Spring vs Fall. What is the better season and why? Good luck.

Actual Transcript

This is an actual phone conversation that I had earlier today. (I am now totally self conscious about typing the story the way I normally would because Jeff Maurer impersonated my writing style on his blog. Is that what I do to people when I impersonate them? I'm sorry to everyone because it isn't fun. I can't even write an email anymore. F it, let's do it anyway)

Players:

Me
Angry Phone Lady (APL)

me: "____________, May I help you?"
APL: "Yes hi, I'm returning a call."

me: 'Ok, do you know who called you?"
APL: "No, the call came from this number."

me: "OK, well is there someone who you would like to speak with?"
APL: "What is this? What office?"

me: "This is _____ in the ______ Complex in ______" (Its classified people. Let it happen)
APL: "Well, This is ______ (APL's actual name) with ______ (APL's meaningless title)"

me: "OK............................................................................................................"
APL: "Well?"

me: "Ma'am, do you have any idea who might have called you from this office?"
APL: "No."

me: "Well, I did not call you so, I'm not really sure how to help you."
APL: "How about getting up from your desk and asking the people in your office if they called me?"

me: "You would like me to go around my office, interrupt people and government staff and ask them if they placed a call that is none of my business?"
APL: "If it isn't too much trouble" (Note: The APL is using sarcasm here. Since I had never heard sarcasm before, I had no idea how to respond)

me: "I'm not going to go and bother everyone. Do you have a meeting coming up or have you been assigned anything from _____ ?"
APL: "I don't know"

me: "OK......................................................................................................"
APL: "OK..................OK What? What are you going to do?"

me: "Ma'am, I am trying to help you figure out who called you from this office and I really have no way of knowing unless you can provide me with a minimum amount of information."
APL: "What is your name?"

me: _______ (kidding, I told her.... Rory Scovel)
APL: "Well Rory, it seems strange that someone so incompetent is answering the phones there."

me: "Thanks."
APL: "So you have no idea who called me?"

me: "Let me check.....nope."
APL: "You've been a big help" (Powerful tool this 'sarcasm)

me: "Thanks. It was easy with all the info you provided."
APL: "Oh is that right?"

me: "Yes ma'm. There are dozens of people in this office and I can direct you to any one of them. I don't have any extensions listed for 'Someone'. He's not showing up on the global address book either."
APL: "This is ridiculous. I'm with __________."

me: "ooohhhhhh OK. I've never heard of that."
APL: "You're an a$$hole."

me: "Thanks. It's been great talking with you. Hope you find time to call again with no idea who you want to talk to."
APL: "What's your boss' name?"

me: "I don't know. He called me earlier but didn't leave a message so I really have no idea..."
APL: "UGH! You idiot! You have no idea of how to use the phone!"

me: "You're right, I'm always calling people and asking for a specific person. You're way is much more effective."
APL: "OK, goodbye."

me: "Bye ma'am. Great talk."
Click

Now, in my defense, in that writing, you couldn't hear her condescending tone of voice. It was almost unbearable. I don't think I over-reacted..Ok I did but that b*tch was annoying. Now here is the best part:

Fast forward 20 minutes later

Phone rings...

me: ___________, How can I help you?"
APL!!!!!!!!!! (It is definitely her again but she feebly tries to disguise her voice and is all nice) "Yes, is __________ in please?"

me: (I couldn't resist) "He sure is, and it is great to talk to you again. Hold on one sec."

Right before I transfer the call...

APL: "Yeah, I just checked my voicemail..."

Wow. I guess she was right. I am an idiot (see? Sarcasm is great).

tomorrow night at the Arlington Cinema 'N Drafthouse at 7:45. Huge show. Huge.

Draftheezy

Come to the Arlington Cinema 'N Drafthouse on Wednesday. Show STARTS at 7:45. Here is the deal:

40 comics in 5 prelims competing for an eventual prize of $2500. I am in the first prelim with my good friends Ryan Conner and Seaton Smith. This guarantees mirth. 2 comics will move on from each round. 1 will be by audience vote, the other will be by panel of judges. Neither of these bode well for me as my friends don't come to see me anymore and judges like to not have me win contests as evidenced by my not winning contests that I am in.

I'm entering this one for a couple of reasons:

1) This is a promption for this venue which is a great one for standup comedy and it is something I/we should definitely support.

2) I really enjoy the awkward times where everyone feels like they have to compliment each other after their set during a contest. Everyone secretly thinks he was the best and is fishing for compliments from the other competitors. One of those incredible dynamics that is impossible to re-create.

Address:

2903 Columbia PikeArlington, VA 22204

Tix are $7 at the door. Should be a great time so if you are a good person, you will attend. If not, then I ask that whatever higher power you pray to has mercy on your tormented soul.

Dallas Week

It is Dallas Week for my beloved Washington Redskins. This means several things:

1) I hate the dallas cowboys
2) The game is huge (especially because one team will be in an 0-2 toilet in the toughest division in sports)
3) Everything is just a little bit more focused...for all of us. We are on edge. There is an electricity in the air. We are touchy.

Here is my list of my most hated all time teams in all levels of sports:

1) dallas cowboys
2) new york yankees
3) the soviet union
4) the philadelphia eagles
5) virginia tech
6) the newer version of york football giants
7) Veinna Little League
8) the newer version of new york knickerbockers
9) the 1994 Cobb County Georgia Babe Ruth Team
10) the Mount Vernon Post American Legion team from 1997

That is the list. No one should root for these teams in our society. They exist only to plague the living.

No shows this weekend. Who wants shows on a weekend?

Wed the 20th I am at the Arlington Cinema 'N Drafthouse for a really cool contest. DC's best local comics are competing for a nice prize but it is all in good fun. Show should be a good time and it starts at 7:45. Come on down and support the team.

Also, if you are around Bethesda this weekend, my boys Jon Mumma and Doug Powell will be dominating the Bethesda Hyatt this Saturday. I'll be hedlining there next week on the 23rd. Shows start at 8.

dallas week b*tches.

When The Mic Goes Out, It Is Sh*tty...

That is what the Boston Comedy Festival taught me this year. It is hard to have a complete set when the mic turns off in the midst of your closer. Nice. If you recall, last year upon getting back from this festival, I was furious. I could not believe the injustice that had befallen and blah blah blah. This year? I could care less.

Let me break it down for you. I saw 4 Preliminary Rounds of this contest (there are 8 total). Each prelim yields 2 winners who move on to the semifinals. Of the 8 winners I saw, I agreed with the judges on 1 of them. 1! So, the point is that it is hard to be disappointed when you are bewildered.

In my prelim, there was a lot of talent. A lot. It really could have been (or rather should have been) any one of 7-8 people out of 12. None of those people were chosen. One dude did some Blue Collar Comedy Tour stuff about 'big gas stations' vs 'small gas stations'. Watch out Arabs, a few zingers coming your way. The other dude that won was awful. Just awful. And this is something I am very sensitive about. Explanation......now:

The dude just did voices. Very little material, just voices. The voices were good. But we were told, specifically, that we would be judged on 'originality' of material...

This dude did Archie and Edith Bunker...f*cking Archie Bunker!

1) Relevance called, they wonder why you guys haven't met yet
2) Everyone can do that voice. Even my boy Ryan Conner who is especially not good at voices can do that voice. It is EASY!
3) Nothing original about that at all

If you had told me before I went on, I had to do (Deniro, the Bunkers, and a 'grandmother') I could have done that easily and better than the dude that did them. This guy should be performing at old folks homes not winning contests against 9 talented comics. I don't actually blame this dude though. Listen, he should know that he sucks and he should stop sucking but it is hard to blame the guy if he can have success! How can anyone who is supposed to judge comedy objectively look at that guy, then look at all the other comics who work their a$$es of 7 days a week so that they DON"T SOUND LIKE THAT GUY? Unreal to me. There were so many funny people at this festival and it is just a shame they can't do a better job of getting those people in front of audiences.

Here is the thing that I am sensitive about. My talent, yes singular, is impersonations. I am good at voices and picking up tendencies of people and re-creating them. A lot of comics, especially in a place that breeds intelligent humor like DC, pretty much label any impressions as hacky. I have struggled with this since the beginning of my little jaunt into the world of humor. My 'Schwarzeneggar' joke is funny (it isn't 'the governator' and he really is just the premise so I can get to the joke) but it turns people off because so many sh*tty comics do him that is cliche and thus, hackalicious. I have a good Croc Hunter, never seen the light of day. Same with my Walken, Pesci and Deniro; they are all in a closet somewhere. Here is my balancing act:

Side 1: I want to show people, every time I get on stage that I am talented. I want them to leave thinking: 'That dude with the red cheeks is really talented'. Which basically means, I want to show as much as I can everytime.

Side 2: I am scared to death that other comics will not think highly of me.

The conclusion? Arnold is done. Never again. I will not be able to get the vision of that astounding hack out of my head and it will torment me everytime. So, thanks Boston Comedy Festival Judges, you have given me a helpful direction with my comedy. Let that be a lesson to all of you, it is important to let the opinions of your peers shape everything you do without exception.

Huge Thanks to my boys Cos, Goldie, and Andes and my girls Dige and Marge for coming out to support. You guys are great.

The NFL

Season officially kicked off last night. Awkward 1st game. It was strangely not-energized after a raucous start. Weird. Daunte Culpepper stabbed one of my fantasy teams in the kidneys with his 2 int performance. Thanks big guy. Glad I believed in the hype. You have 15 more weeks of redemption song to play.

I have privately chatted with my buddies about the following items for some time and I will publicly chat about them now. Some are NFL related, others are just wonderful ideas, either way, this is a free blog so pipe down.

1) How is it possible, with networks like HBO, pay-per-view, and the wonders of the internet, is there not a network that carries games with real sports fans as commentators? The conversations (read heated arguments over minutiae) my boys and I have watching sports are 10 times more interesting than what we listen to on tv. I'm sure that every group of friends feels the same way. Take last night's game for example.

-Incredible discussions over whether or not Chris Chambers is in fact, a pu$$y and how annoying it is that every expert believes he will have a 'breakout year'

-How awkward it was that the pre-game hype fizzled out by the middle of the 2nd quarter and the usually raucous Steeler fans were kind of sitting on their hands.

-Is Troy Polumalu the best safety in the NFL. Excellent debate.

-How many dumb NFL head coaches there are

Real sports fans with knowledge of the players, talking like real people, with curse words and funny terms...like 'pooted' for example.

Note: 'twere this to be created, it would be my dream job. Humorous and enjoyable coverage of legitimate sport. Someone please get on this. Maybe when the NFL network gets big enough to have an NFL 2, they can have a 'game a week' where the normal guys also do a telecast. God I would love that.

2) Why are baked goods always so much tighter when you are watching football? Seriously. There is a formula where 'B' is the baked good:

B x 1.231 = Quality of baked good during football telecasts.

inexplicable

3) The sheer volume of prescription drug commercials/truck commercials makes me want to drive my car to Boston and try and navigate the streets at night.

4) How unbearable are sideline reporters? Several points on this:
-I don't want anyone down there that never played football at any level (so that pretty much eliminates most women)
-There is always something uncomfortable going on, either a player gets questioned in the middle of the game, the coach is forced to talk when he has two much to deal with, the SR has some awkward in game story where they have to cut away from play and he/she talks about the sport in terms that no athlete would ever use.

Here is how it should be: someone is assigned to both sidelines. That person listens to the huddles as def/off coaches instruct their players. If it is interesting, it gets reported...quickly:

"Al, Nick Saban just told his guys to key on where Porter lines up as that seems to be dictating Pittsburgh's coverages."

Bam. Actual insight. Instead of some drivel about a weird team meeting at practice or irrelevant anecdote, we get real info.

The 2nd function of the sideline reporter is to report injuries. Any intern or low level person can do this. A walkie talkie to whoever the stats nerd is in the booth, he hands a note to the announcers, bam. There is your injury report. Bottom line: I only started to feel this way when I had great seats at a Redskins game and Suzie Kolber wouldn't acknowledge me.

5) Does everyone have certain words that are super hard for them to spell? I mean like everyday words. I almost never spell 'restaurant' right for example. Or is it just like people and my boy Quinn who spells 'too' wrong because he really doesn't know the difference between 'to' and 'too' and yet still graduated with a really good GPA from Georgetown?

6) Playing the 'who would win in a fight?' game is one of the top 10 reasons it is better to be a dude than a chick. Chicks would never come up with things like that.

The Fun-ness

Thanks to everyone who came out last night to see the POW show. They were awesome and I had a lot of fun opening up for them. Double thanks to Larry Poon for graciously stopping in and running sound like a mastermind. That guy is so busy, it is a wonder he even had a spare minute. He told me he owed one of the camera guys a favor from an incident at a Betty Ford in '82.

As you can see, I have included a picture of He-Man riding Battle Cat. I thought to myself what would be the most fun thing I could ever do? And I decided that riding Battle Cat would be #1. This blog is about fun and nothing beats riding Battle Cat and having the Power of Grayskull.

Anyway, Matt Oberg and Bob Wiltfong are great guys and their show is super funny and should be seen by people that like humorous things. I have not seen much funnier in person than 'remote humping'.

I fly to Boston this weekend for the Comedy Festival. I just got hooked up with an audition for a Carnival Cruise Line. I would love to do comedy on a cruise ship. If I bombed, what would they do? Let me hang out on the boat? Sorry about that...

Most Important Show You WIll See This Year

You must come to the Warehouse Theater and see me open up for POW (Matt Oberg and Bob Wiltfong from the Chapelle Show and the Daily Show respectively). Reserve tix by sending an email to: info@dccomedyfest.com (put 'POW Tickets' in the subject line). Just list the names of the peeps you wish to reserve tickets for as this is how reservations work.

Here is the description of POW from the DC Comedyfest website:

POW: The Professional Opportunities Workshop turns its satircal sights from the dry, stale world of the corporate motivational speakers and training seminars to the dry, stale world of college motivational speakers and training seminars!

These dudes are professional humor makers and people should see this show.

Also, come to the show and see it.

CRIKEY!

RIP Steve Irwin. If you don't know, the Crocodile Hunter has passed on. A stingray got him. Just goes to show that hacky comics always do Croc Hunter impressions. Now I know I'm hacky because I do some voices but even I won't do that one because I can't think of a good joke to do it in. Note: I am a hack.

Going reverse chronologically in recapping the weekend is what I will do now. The passive voice is something I will use also...

The Back to School Poonanza was mint on Sunday. Lot of really funny things happened. Super fun times with my favorite comedy peoples. I will tell you simply that I had to bite my lip when Jaystings reached out his hand with the force and the doughnut moved to prevent myself from laughing. Thanks to all who participated and attended for making the show incredibly fun.

On Friday Jon Mumma and I (you know what I found out from Jon on the way up? His name really isn't supposed to be pronounced like we all do it. We all say 'Moo-mah' when it actually is supposed to be 'Moo-maw'. Jon got so tired of correcting everyone that he just started using the one that everyone defaulted to. What a nice guy...and kind of a pu$$y. My name isn't 'Roo-he-air', 'Row-hire', 'Rowe-heer', 'Ru-veir', 'Ru-er', 'Rock-er', 'Romp'er', 'Roo'share, 'Roo-nee-er' or any of the other pronunciations I have heard. It's 'Roo-yay'...Holler) drove up to Arcadia University for a show.

Now, you read the word 'drive' and you picture a car moving on a highway with two friends sharing tales of merriment and intrigue. Not this time. Picture 2 dudes in a car crawling along a highway topping 15 mph 3 times between DC and 30 miles north of Baltimore. Jon and I honestly thought about turning around. It took us in the neighborhood of 6 hours total to get just outside of Philly from DC. Note: I would rather be kicked in the shins by a leprechaun with the thought that I would get wishes only to find out that he was not that kind of leprechaun and experience the pain and disappointment then do that drive again...

The show itself at Arcadia was a lot of fun. It was a contest and a dude named Kelly Taylor won it. I didn't get to see much of his set but he was a cool dude who switched places in the show with me. I had a pretty good set (1 hour b*tches) and Mumma did well during his time. The real star of the show for my money was the comic that had to follow all of us. After 3 hours of comedy, this dude named Peter Lee came onstage and dominated for an hour. The dude was awesome. Hilarious comic, really polished, super nice guy. He should have won I thought but no biggie. I got paid to do standup which is pretty kicka$$.

Great weekend.

Tomorrow night. You must come to the Warehouse Theater and see me open up for POW (Matt Oberg and Bob Wiltfong from the Chapelle Show and the Daily Show respectively). Starts at 8. You must reserve tickets. Do so by sending an email to: info@dccomedyfest.com (put 'POW Tickets' in the subject line). I love you all.

Arcadia

Hey there wee ones,

My boy Jon Mumma and I are riding up to Arcadia University today for a show tonight. It should be a lot of fun as we are both awesome and kids like awesome things.

Sunday night is the Back to School Poonanza. $5, amazing sketch comedy, 7:30 start, DC Arts Center Theater, Bring YOUR OWN BEER, lots of commas...

Have a great Labor Day Weekend.

One Year Anniversary

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my blog. So as we start a new year, here is a look back on some interesting tidbits from my first year of internet.com bloggery.

Before my 'sitemeter' broke down and stopped counting things, I had over 20,000 visits to the blog as of June 1, 2006. That averages out to about 2,000 per month for 10 months. I'll take that. I can only assume that 2,000 people were eagerly awaiting the kickoff to the blog and tuned in for the first post. This is why averages are helpful.

-I have had several preachy blogs where my peers have subsequently talked about how much of a douche I am behind my back because of how pedantic and condescending my thoughts were.

-I have had to take down 2 separate posts because they were completely offensive. The first was an inside joke that went horribly awry and made everyone hate me. The second, was just plain awkward...and it's awkward now thinking about it and also typing about it is awkward...and the awesomeness of that period is flooding back to me which is awkward...

-I have posted 3 apology blogs based on previous blogs

-I have blogged 5 times about the nature of women

-I have blogged about sport

-I have written hundreds of blogs where I use my own terminology and a stream of consciousness style

-I have blogged every single day that I have been at work since October of '05

-I have blogged about standup comedy in general

-I have blogged about other comics good and bad

-I have provided hyperlinks and promoted myself relentlessly

-I have acquired 300 myspace friends but still trail Dane Cook by just over one million

-I have blogged 9 times about the awkwardness of an office environment

-I have blogged 8 times about items that would become jokes and only still use 1 of them.

-I have had 3 very fruity blogs where I recount meaningful things

-One in memoriam blog

-2,784 spelling mistakes

-I have had 7 posts that blogger screwed up forcing me to do them over again

-I have tried 11 times to post pictures that have not shown up

-I have blogged about politics and made it so that people stop reading

-I have blogged extensively about my favorite network show, 24 but strangely, have had very little devoted to my two favorite shows, The Sopranos and Entourage.

-I have blogged about events, stories, tales, mirth, sadness, and awkwardness

Thanks for reading everyone and I look forward to another year of musings.

Startin' to Come Together Pepper...

The Poonanza this Sunday night will be wondrous. We had a rehearsal/meeting/sweaty touch football game last night and there is hilarium (not a word).

7:30 PM, Sunday September 3, at the DC Arts Center, 2438 18th Street, NW Washington DC 20009 in the theater in the back.

This show will be amazing. You can BRING YOUR OWN BEER. Tix are $5 for an incredible night of sketch comedy...and you CAN BRING YOUR OWN BEER.

If you want to reserve a seat, let me know and I'll put you down. I know people.

A final note, this humorist wishes to bid a fond farewell to comedian, co-worker, sometime bedfellow, sounding board, fuzzy bearded, improvisational, standup, car borrowing, friend, Rory Scovel as he embarks on a trip through Canada (America's oversized novelty hat). Good luck tiny dancer. Take pictures.

Muffin Tops

My boy Quinn (Quinn ready Quinn...Quinn is ready...Quinn ready Quinn) hit me with a tight term that I wish to drop on everyone...

"Muffin Top" = This is when a girl who should not be wearing a belly shirt...is wearing a belly shirt and her gut sticks out like a muffin top...amazing.

You see those in Balitmore and at beaches...also at concerts or any other place WT (Wrash, White Trash) is sold...

Nothing else today. We keeps it light aaaaaaight.

Bal'mer

To culminate a wondrous weekend where countless amounts of kindesses were bestowed upon me by my special lady friend (Thanks again para todos!), I attended a Baltimore Orioles game on Sunday. They played the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Several points:

1) Tampa Bay should not be a major league team. We need to adopt some kind of rule or system like the English Premier Soccer League has where if you finish at the bottom, you go to a lower division. Seriously. Bad town, bad ownership (new guy is better but the ship is already taking too much water), bad team, no fan support, and one of the worst stadiums in the history of pro sports.

2) The Baltimore Orioles, a once proud franchise, have been run into the ground by one of the 5 worst owners in the history of professional sports (not an exaggeration. Borderline subversive behavior in his attempts to ruin baseball in DC), Peter Angelos, attorney at law. He has made the Baltimore GM job the worst job in pro sports today. When asked if he was interested in moving back home to the post, current Arizona Diamondbacks GM Josh Byrnes said: 'Absolutely not, you'd have to be crazy to take that job.' It is sad to see really. The stadium alone used to draw 40,000 a night. But now, all that good will is gone as one superstar (Tejada) and 2 nice young players (Brian Roberts (who I hate because he told on my former teammate when he and some other guys went out after a game) and Nick Markakis) with a bunch of non-major league ready kids and some re-treads to fill in roster spots. Really sad. No future there either for a while.

3) You see things in Baltimore it's hard to imagine seeing almost anywhere else. There is so much jort in Baltimore. Tons. Jorts (jean shorts) are beat. Chicks can wear them if it's pulled off right but it is risky. Black dudes seem to be able to rock them well but even then it can be questionable. White dudes sporting jorts is always young. Always. Terrible look to have those baggy jorts that go to mid shin to reveal some pale skin before you get to some kind of awkward chuck taylors/basketball shoes/sketchers/sneakers. Most efficient way to spot wrash (white trash) is the jort. I say again that there is so much jort in Baltimore

4) You also see some other strange things in Baltimore. The classic 'Jerry Springer' couple where a skinny dude with some kind of cut-off shirt, tattoos, and a NASCAR/way too many colors hat is with a heavy girl who is too loud. So there are elements of redneckery here.

5) This has lead me to try and quantify what we are dealing with here. You clearly have redneck elements but they are not country folks living in rural areas which is what 'redneck' connotes. They also exhibit some bastardized 'hip hop' style dress, behavior, and lexicon. I have decided that dudes like this, in Baltimore and other places where it occurs, shall be known as 'Urban Rednecks' - Urbanecks - 'U-necks'

Whammy. U-necks. Mark it down. Great term by me.

The Downside of American Politics

Warning, adult swim portion of blogging post in 3, 2 ,1...

Here is a Washington Post article about Christopher Shays (R-Conn): http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/08/24/AR2006082401631.html

He is a Republican Congressman from Connecticut which is what R-Conn means. For the past three years he has been one of the party's most ardent supporters of the Iraq War effort. Now, as he faces re-election, he's getting his butt kicked by someone running on an almost exclusive 'anti-war' campaign. So, Shays has basically changed his tune 180 degrees and is now, literally all of a sudden after a recent trip to Iraq, calling for a withdrawal of troops and a strict timetable. I happen to agree with this conclusion (Iraq needs to see that we are not handing them a blank check and logistical support forever. There is no sense of urgency to get their act together. Is it easy? Of course not, but this is draining us and we have been their baby sitter for long enough. Besides, we are going to need all the troops we have available for when we are forced to invade Iran after they have finished wagging the dog in Lebanon with Hezbollah to take attention away from their nuclear efforts) but that is not the point. The point is two-fold

1) This dude has actively supported the exact opposite position since the outset. This position is no longer popular and Republicans (before what may be known as the Republican massacre of '06) are doing everything they can to distance themselves from W. So, right before re-election time, he switches he view and has 0 accountability for everything he has stood for over the last several years. Shays is totally within his rights to do so, and that is the downside about elected reps. Re-election is the most important element. This guy needs to get drubbed in the election because he is spineless. Go down with the ship man. Seriously. Flipping your viewpoint at the last minute to pander for votes is despicable. If you think you're right, fight for it otherwise, why did you run in the first place?

2) The other downside as I see it to elected representation is the ability of people like Shay's challenger to run on basically a single issue. Because the entire nation (at least the parts that are not physically holding a bible right now this second) are unhappy with W and specifically the war in Iraq. So, Dianne Farrell (the challenger) can capitalize on this sentiment and cruise into office. She may be totally qualified; she may also be grossly incompetent. I really have no idea. That's not the point. The point is that she can win without offering much other than 'Those guys are wrong and I'm the alternative'.

As to the actual Iraq situation, it's obviously not promising right now. I really believe it is a failed state and that the upside for a Democratic and peaceful nation becomes less realistic as time goes on. Shias and Sunnis are not going to get along and any type of elected government won't have much chance without the rule of law which is inherently secondary to the religious laws governing both groups. I think we have to punt on this and be happy that we got Saddam and his top guys out of power and withdraw. Not because I'm some flaky guy that just inherently kneejerks to the stance of 'war is wrong' or 'the president is an idiot', but because there are bigger fish to fry.

A member of the 'Muslim Brotherhood' told Robert Baer (again, I cannot stress enough how mint this dude is. Read his books and gain knowledge: Sleeping with the Devil and See No Evil) when the US invaded Iraq a few years ago: "We will not declare jihad on the US for invading Iraq...they will soon be attacking Hezbollah and jihad will take care of itself". Pretty prescient right there.

For those that do not know, The MB is the real underlying connecter between the various terror groups around the Middle-East. Many of the various sects 'dislike' each other (Hezbollah and al queda for example) but their MOs and justifications are the same. The first of the 'fundamentalist movement' began in Egypt in the late 20s with a group that used a 13th century interpretation of the Qu'ran to establish a religious manifest destiny for a fundamentalist Islamic state by whatever means necessary (see killing infidels). The various groups we are contending with now have developed organically in each country but are all feeding out of the same trough of philosophy. They were allowed to exist and grow because in the 70s and 80s, they were a great weapon against our larger enemy, the Russians. It is our funding of oil interests in the Mid East (with the highest % going to Saudi Arabia) that has allowed these groups to be self-sufficient. I have said so before, but the greatest issue facing our nation is withdrawing or money from the Middle-East. We literally made a deal with the devil when we won the rights to supply Saudi Arabia with arms (We beat out the British and others).

Here is the cycle: We spend billions for Saudi Crude with copious amounts going into the pockets of the hugely corrupt ruling family. They give us tons of $$ right back when they purchase our defense goods and let us house military bases there to give us points of entry into the Middle-East with again, copious amounts in commissions being paid for 'brokering deals'.

This part of the world is not salvageable with the current rules to the game. It is literally a sinking ship and every step of our involvement means more actions must be taken down the road. The leverage of oil must be taken away to level the playing field.

Sorry for the long non-humor rant. It is also noteworthy that France has moved to send 2000 troops as a peace keeping force in Lebanon. An unexpected move to be sure. More on that as I gather facts...

END ADULT SWIM PORTION

Fun show last night at Comedy Spot. Thanks to Dr. Fantastic, The Late Night Players, DC Comedyfest, the Comedy Spot, and everyone who came out.

364 More Days Until the Next One

Thanks for all the nice birthday wishes and stuff from everyone who did so or thought of doing so because it's the thought that counts (did you see that Rebecca? 'it is' became it's. I do know the difference it's just that I'm lazy when I type. Why don't you take you're judgment somewhere else? Because it's all good...whammy)

Gmail got pissed off at me and put me on timeout for more than a day. It thought I was a spammer because I sent out so many emails that got 'bouncebacks' the other day. Serves me right I guess. Gmail and I are cool again but you can tell things are not the same. Neither one trusts the other. It's (whammy again) like when a dude you know tells a story about making out with a chick that you talked to 30 minutes before and she told you a story about how that guy wouldn't leave her alone the entire night and she ended up leaving my July 4th party because he was so annoying...hard to trust that guy after that...


8:00 PM at the Comedy Spot in Ballston. I'm opening up for two really amazing comedy troupes: Dr. Fantastic and the Late Night Players. This show will be awesome. Tix are $10 and should be bought by people.

Also, Pluto is no longer a planet: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/08/24/AR2006082400109.html

Little Kid at School (LKS): "My grandfather discovered the planet Pluto in 1930..."

Other Meaner Kid at School (OMKS): "No he didn't, he wasted his entire life."

LKS: "....What? That's not true! Ms. Jenkins!"

Ms. Jenkins: "I'm afraid he is right. You're grandfather discovered what we now call a dwarf planet. It's really small and has a bush league orbit...so...you're grandfather discovered a midget planet..."

(Class laughs)

Here's to Me...

Today is my birthday. I share the same date of birth as Kobe Bryant. It is also the same day that Shelley Long, Rick Springfield, and River Phoenix were born. Greatest birthday ever? Ummmmmmmm yeah. Also, Little Achiever Benjamin Leblois, my kindred spirit and carrier of the flame of destiny, turns 17 today. Truly a great day for us all. Bask in it...I said bask

As men are wont to do when they reach a certain age, I am reflecting quite a bit on this body of work of mine. I have regrets and I have accomplishments. I have things that I wish I could take away and things I wish I could go back and change. I have things that I'm unbelievably proud of and things that I would never change. This will be the most sensitive post in the history of the universe...I am fine with this as I am now a mature adult...farts...

-Thankful for my friends who have supported me more than they know.
-Thankful for my enemies becuase they have motivated me and made me better
-I regret not playing football in high school
-I regret that I was such a pu$$y in high school. "I hope the NCS girls think I'm funny...I'll just do the funny voices..."
-Thankful for the Simpsons, Family Guy, Pablo Francisco, Brian Reagan, Dane Cook, Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock
-I regret being too immature to appreciate Ali in college
-Thankful that I won a national championship on a team that went 52-7 over a summer and beat a team with 6 current major leaguers on it en route to the title game. Who was the MVP of that team?
-I regret that I never learned an acceptable way to promote myself...I was the MVP of that team...
-Thankful for sports, politics and comedy. Without these things, I would have nothing to talk about
-I regret caring so much about what people think of me
-Thankful that I finally found something else that I love to do
-I regret my horrendous break ups and how unbelievably awkard I make it somehow
-I'm thankful that they all happened though as they led me to the most wonderful lady I have ever known.
-I am thankful to the following game developers: Nintendo, Electronic Arts, Konami, and Square Soft
-I am not thankful for Capcom
-I am thankful for my experiences
-I am angry that I can't go back and do the right thing or at least a different thing
-I am thankful that I am passionate
-Regretful that I have the patience of a child and a horrible temper that makes a succullent stew when mixed with my insecurity. Add a pinch of jealousy, stir, then let sit...parties will be a blast
-Thankful for my ideas and my material
-Regretful that my best ideas are always for someone else's jokes
-Thankful for the DC Improv for getting me started
-Thankful for the Baltimore Improv closing down as I hated getting consistent work there
-Thankful for my sarcasm
-Thankful for this blog as I get to write what I feel like
-Regretful that I wrote a lot of stuff
-Thankful for all my comic peers as we share the same experiences and help each other grow
-Kind of upset at all the guys who just don't get it
-Thankful that I know where I'm going
-Regretful that it took me so long to get started and that I have no idea how I'm going to get there

That's it and that's all. So, in conclusion, happy birthday to me.

Vaeda and Uno Mas

I forgot to mention in yesterday's epic blog that this Saturday, I'll be at the Laughing Lizard in Alexandria. Show starts at 10 I think. Word.

Tonight, my boys Vaeda are playing a show in Washington, DC. They have also released their debut album today. It's pretty amazing to see how far they have come. I grew up with 2 of the 3 guys in the band and it blows my mind that they are like a real band with legions of fans, a record label, and a frickin' studio album that will be in music stores today. Congratulations doesn't cover it boys. In many ways, our paths mirror each other. Nobody, and I mean nobody, works harder than these guys. They travel and play shows for hundreds and sometimes tens. They practice and practice and play and write and buckle down and create. They came from having to beg to get stage time to getting signed by a major label. They are awesome and I am so unbelievably proud of those guys.

Vaeda facts:

Lead singer Ian Cole and I were in 7th grade science class together (taught by Mr. Haslam). We did a science fair project on what solutions conduct electricity best. It was tight. Turns out, of the ones we tested, salt water was most conductive. Everything was going great until I lost my patience (stunner) and began to write on the poasterboard that was going to be our display. I mispelled the word solutions and Ian's mom got pissed at me. We had to go to a store and buy whiteout and try and fix my mistake. We did but it looked bush league and thus, we were not awarded any sort of prize and only received a 'B' on the project. I apologized a lot for that.

Drummer Oliver Williams showed me my first adult film. He also played on the NW Little League All-Stars in Washington, DC. For Ollie's 12th birthday, we went to his rural country house in Mercersberg, PA. They had a go-cart which was awesome. I took a bad turn and had to stop the cart and it stalled. We could not re-start it because we were both scrawny (I was exceptionally scrawny but I put up 320 in college so get off me...what's that? Oh you squated 5 bills? That's cool...yeah, just go ahead and add 2 plates on their for me...Thanks...yeah, I'll go ahead and bang out 10 under 550...hey bro? yeah, real quick, pass me the 60s...yeah the dumbells, I wanna bang out some curls...sure, 3 sets of 20...its boring but its my life...Hey, you done with that machine? Yeah, its no big deal but I have to do 3 x 12 on the lat pull downs...hey, while you're back there, go ahead and put it on 200...great...Note: I am now washed up) and we had to walk all the way back to the main house which was about a mile away and everyone was annoyed with me...we played Mad Libs later before bed. My friend Ben Luban used the word 'dildob*tch' and we all sort of felt like ground had been broken on something...

Go see Vaeda tonight. Show starts at 9.

Awesomeness and Shizzle

Some cool shows coming up in the near future. These cool shows involve me and that is part of what makes them cool. Here is the schedule of joy:

Thurs 8/24: 8:00 PM at the Comedy Spot in Ballston. I'm opening up for two really amazing comedy troupes: Dr. Fantastic and the Late Night Players.

Fri 9/1: I'm doing a show at Arcadia University. It used to be called 'Beaver College' which is more awesome.

Sunday 9/3: 7:30 PM at the DCAC. Its the Annual Labor Day Poonanza. I cannot stress enough how awesome this thing will be. Many of the best comics in the area coming up with mind boggling sketch comedy. It will be truly hilarious. Its bring your own beer also...yeah, bring beers. Tix are $5 at the door. This will be a packed house so if you want to ensure you've got tix, email me at danny@funnydanny.com and let me know and I'll pass the word onto Larry's management team...

Wed 9/6: 8:00 PM at the Warehouse Theater. I am opening up for POW (Professional Opportunities Workshop). POW is made up of Bob Wiltfong (who is a regular on the Daily Show) and Matt Oberg (regular on the Chappelle Show). Its difficult to explain exactly what these guys do, its something you really have to see. Their show is: "Originally designed to increase productivity and professionalism in the corporate arena..." Know that it is suffiently awesome to warrant attendance...You must reserve tickets to attend this show and I would recommend doing so as it will be full (tix are free!). Go here to reserve tix: info@dccomedyfest.com (subject: POW tickets).

Mon 9/11-9/16: I'm in Boston for the Boston Comedy Festival. My performance slot (hopefully not the only one) is Monday night at 9 at the Comedy Connection in Boston. If I win, I keep going. It's that simple. The CC is one of the best comedy clubs in the country and I'm pumped to perform there.

I have more after that but let's not get ahead of ourselves as you are patient fans...

Zimmer Zam Shim Sham

Nothing to write about today. I'm super busy and have nothing to do this weekend for the first time in many moons.

Watch USA basketball tonight at 1 AM. We play the hated Puerto Ricans and we need to remind them who is boss...its us in case you were confused. Its our territory.

Word.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Not Nearly Enough

I realized this morning that I am not doing nearly enough to move forward. Consider that sh*t overwith.

My blog readership has steadily declined over the last month. I can see one of three possible causes.

1) The quality of my blog has experienced a huge drop-off...this is entirely possible

2) You, the reader, has experienced a huge quality drop off and are no longer interested in the important things I discuss in this space...also entirely possible

3) I am not putting enough links and pics up...Most likely because we both know that I am amazing at writing this thing and you are amazing at reading it.

So, here we go:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/08/16/AR2006081601622.html

Washington Post story about how the FBI is gearing its training toward fighting terrorism. This is probably a good thing. The issue I have though is that this approach is utterly insefficient. The bulk of anti-terror work needs to come from CIA aka defense spending. People don't realize the impact of cutting defense spending. The Boeings still get built (We just twist Saudi Arabia's arm and they increase their purchase) but the intelligence is what gets cut. Resources must be dolled out to infiltrate, stop the influx of $$ into terror organizations, and make strides at crippling terror groups abroad for any positive gains to take place. So, while its good the FBI is beginning to prepare its cadets to deal with a global problem, we need to remember that if all goes well, they will have a minimal responsibility going forward.

2 things I want to tell you about:

1) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0489270/
Yup, Saw III...respect. I will see any Saw that is made. I am so down with this franchise. Thanks you creepy dudes who think this stuff up.

2) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0418279/
TRANSFORMERS...I cannot even begin to tell you how giddy I am at the prospect of seeing this movie. I have a rare dvd of the Transformers cartoon movie from 1986. Its got chinese subtitles and its really hard to find. It's also awesome. Spielberg producing...good...Michael Bay directing...suspect...I am not sure how this is going to play out. I will tell you that if MB drops the ball on this one, I will get the Constructocons together, form Devastator and run over his house...

When is someone going to step up and make a Voltron movie? Who wouldn't want to see this? If they did not, is there a way we could forbid them from voting and reproducing?

Some cool shows coming soon. More details about them later. Word.

Word to the Moms

Really fun time last night at Broad Street Grill. Its a cool room and we need to support the team on this one. Kacie Wade did an awesome job putting the show together. A rather smallish crowd was really into the show and I had a blast performing.

I got booed last night on one joke. Everyone else in the place was laughing and two chicks sitting back by the bar booed. They weren't really listening to my set I don't think and they tuned in towards the end of a joke and booed. Here's what happened:

-The dude before me, who I have never seen before, did some really crass and disgusting jokes. He went for cheap and easy laughs making fun of 'fat chicks' for an extended period of time. The crowd gave him some leeway but eventually, he wore out his welcome as his stuff just came off as mean.

-This turned the afforementioned ladies against the show and they began to talk to each other and not really pay attention.

-I began my set.

-I did a joke about how people with ADD cannot deal with silence and I fill silence with the first thing that comes to my head regardless of how stupid it is. The example I gave is I congratulate a heavy woman even though I knew she wasn't pregnant...and when I get called out on it, something clearly made up and absurd happens and its clearly a reflection of how much of an idiot I am and not about the generic target of 'fat people'.

-The ladies started to listen to my joke right around the time where I congratulate the heavy woman and did not hear the lead up.

-They booed.

I asked them why they booed and the leader of the two (for the dudes out there, classic case of the outspoken chick in all your college classes: dumpy, poorly put together, always angry, self-righteous about tens of issues, ruins your game with the cool chick she is somehow friends with and you wonder if she ever smiles at any point) said something and then started talking on her cell phone.

I mocked this until I was satisfied and then moved on. After my set, I approached the two honies and asked them why they booed me.

ADLB (Angry Dumpy Leader B*tch) again muttered something about: "You comics are such a$$holes...you just make fun of fat women its so essesesssessse...sesessesesessssssss" and then she turned away on her cellular device.

SCRC (Small Cuter Reasonable Chick) then explained that they were turned off by the comic before me (understandable), and they thought I was just doing more of the same. I told her that I disagreed and stated something similar to the explanation above. I also told her that it was important for me to know and that I always want to get better. I thanked her for her time and said: "Thank you only...no one else..especially not your salty friend...especially not her."

Broad Street Tavern. Every other Tuesday. Word.

An Amazing Story of Amazement

Scene: 12:30 AM, I am leaving the residence of Andy Lopresto after many minutes of dvd editing and computer genius in College Park. I absolutely run through a stop sign. An officer of the law appears out of nowhere and I am pulled over by this officer. Begin tale:

I sit disgusted in my vehicle. Very upset at the prospects of getting another ticket from the state of Maryland after midnight. I am exhausted and just want to go home and go to sleep. After a short time, the PO (police officer) rolls up to my vehicle.

PO: "Good evening."

Me, in my best a$$ kissing voice: "Good evening"

PO: "License and Registration please."

Me: "Yes sir." Begin awkward fumbling for my registration in the glove compartment where I have never once kept any gloves...I have 3 different registrations but none of them are current...more fumbling..."I'm sorry sir, I know I've got it here"...frantic reading...fumbling...sweating..."I'm really sorry...I know I've got it..."

PO: "That's OK..." slightly annoyed...

Finally, I find it and hand it to the PO...

PO: "Do you know why I stopped you?"

Me: "I think so sir, I'm not sure I came to a complete stop at that stop sign back there... I'm really sorry"

PO: "Yes. You sure are sorry..."

I don't know what this means. Begin awkward period where you can't believe it takes that long for the cop to do whatever it is in his car and you just sit there with those super bright lights reflecting off your mirror so you are uncomfortable. Many minutes pass and this sucks. PO returns to my vehicle.

PO: "here's your license and registration back. You a student?"

Me: "No sir."

PO: "Is this your current address here in Virginia?"

Me: "Yes sir."

PO: "What are you doing here?"

Me: "I was visiting the campus sir...a student on south campus?"

PO: "What was y'all doing?"

Me: "He was editing my dvd sir. He's a computer genius and he was helping me out..."

PO: "Doing what? a dvd...what for?"

Me: "I'm a standup comic and he was editing my dvd that I'm going to send out..."

PO...strange gaze on his face...like a math problem is puzzling him...its a word problem...he is angry that there are words in math class..."You got anything on here that I should know about?...Any points or anything?"

Me: "Well actually, yessir I do, I was actually coming back from a show in Gettysburg earlier this year and a Frederick Officer pulled me over and added 20 mph to what I was actually doing and I had no choice but to pay the fine (as a side, f*ck that guy)..."

PO: "Yep...them guys will do that...OK" he walks back to his car.

More waiting begins...I play with the radio...the new Christina Aguliera song is on...it is really really bad...like really bad...how is that possible to leave the studio and say 'yeah...we got it you guys'? Waiting...I glance in the rearview mirror and its hard to tell but it looks like there are now several police vehicles behind me...Panic sets in...do I have any drugs even though I have no idea where to get drugs or where drug people get drugs...Do I have any booze in the car? Its OK, I'm 26. Are there any things that these guys could know that I've done? I did not pay for a 2nd bag of potato chips from a Subway around the year 2000 that I ate and have always felt kinda guilty about...did they track me down? Oh my God...I can't believe it! Why didn't I just pay? I'll tell you why, the line was too long and that subway sucked. Its a huge corporation and they can deal with one less baked lays off their roster...PO approaches again.

PO: "Step out of the car please sir."

Me: "Sir is everything OK?"

PO: "Just step out of the car please."

I am sweating. Fumbling. Terrified. I get out of the car and the lights are brightly shining on me. I am standing awkwardly outside the car. I realize that there are now 8 policemen standing in a semi-circle about 15 feet away from me. I have no idea what is happening...

PO: "You're a standup comic right? You got 3 minutes..."

Me: "What? ...wait...you...what?"

PO: "2:55"

Me: "You want me to tell a joke?" Like right now?"

PO: "2:45..."

I am freaking out. I reach for the force...I realize I am not a jedi...I cannot remember any of my jokes...the clock is ticking...I finally think of one and go into material...I get laughs...in fact, I crushed. They liked it.

PO: "OK Mr...(Looks at my last name...) uhhhhh Kirk (my middle name), I see you got a brithday coming up. This is your early present. Stop at the stop signs in College Park. Have a good night."

Me: "OK, thank you sir. Have a great night....I really appreciate it."

That's all for me, you guys have been great!

Out of It...

I am completely useless today. I have made 'unproductive' a kind of rythmic ceremonial ritual (Dance...the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance...They're supposed to go to this!). I am totally exhausted from a super long weekend of baseball coaching, mentoring young men, offering guidance, and generally entertaining humans. Great weekend helping kids out but I am drained. At lunch, the waitress asked for my order and after 5 seconds I looked up and said: "What?...How long have you been standing there?" Awkward.

Last night, during the pre-season telecast of the Bengals and Redskins, Al Michaels and John Madden had the following exchange:

Al (referring the Bengals): 'They have 5 guys named Johnson...'

John: '5? They've got a lot of Johnsons'

Al: "They've got a team of Johsons'

John: 'Its team Johnson'.

Awesome.

I've got some audio clips up on my myspace page, so check those out when you get a chance, if you want, like its no big deal or whatever, if you feel like it you can, if you want to or whatever.

Tomorrow night, the super awesome Kacie Wade has put a comedy show together at the Broad Street Tavern in Falls, Church. Should be a really fun time. If you're in the hood, go there and support this show. We are growing and we still need more places to perform!

Scattered Thoughts of a Humorist

I'm going to Richmond this afternoon for the purposes of coaching young men. This should be joyous. Random thoughts...now

1) There are a couple people that I think are hilarious. I love watching them do well at a show. But, its twice as fun for me to watch Larry Poon and Jon Mumma bomb. I realize this kind of makes me a deuche, but I'm cool with it. These guys are both my friends and both are funny as hell but I'm telling you there is nothing like watching a crowd that just flat out doesn't get Larry Poon's act. Watching him do his thing and then watching them get confused is worth a thousand smiles. Concurrently (ooooohhhhhhh, GMAT word b*tches), watching Mumma deal with a bad crowd is hilarious a well. Its hard to explain but I encourage everyone to go see him and the purposefully not laugh to see what happens...I'm kidding.

2) Are there actually any elements of sand in Sand Paper? Or is it just coarse paper that no one knows where to store in their house and then they can't find it when they need it?

3) When hockey was struggling the past couple years during the NHL lockout, why didn't lacrosse try and step up and get recognized as the 4th major sport? Probably, its because lacrosse players are in charge of lacrosse and lack that sort of...intelligence to read words and understand concepts beyond roll dodges and ripping rope and talking about how 'sick' someone is. Some of my best friends were lax guys and the best thing that has happened to them is they have outgrown the lax culture and become humans. Tightness.

4) I hate the fashion industry. They need an outside consultant to come in and just say: "are you serious?" once every 3 months.

5) I love the Redskins so much.

6) Jeff Maurer is really really funny. I am jealous of him.

7) Mumma and I did an audition for a show on HGTV. Suffice to say, if they don't pick Mumma, they are foolish. He is literally made for this show.

8) Bagels are incredible. They are so good to eat. Why are they so good? What is different about them than other kinds of breaded things?

9) The X games happened last week. Did anyone notice this?

10) I watched an episode of Last Comic Standing last night. Terrible. Next person to tell me I should go on there...well, nothing will happen really as I'm too much of a pu$$y to stand up to a stranger and say anything other than: 'Thanks'. The dudes on there were getting applause breaks for mediocre jokes. Frustrating.

11) Would you rather be a jedi or a wizard?

12) Coffee is an incredible invention.

13) One of the biggest oversites in the history of pornographic films is the lack of a parody of Saved by the Bell.

14) Without checking, name the 5 best men's tennis players you can think of. When did mennis (men's tennis) become so irrelevant?

15) I should be commisioner of baseball for 1 calendar year. The game would be humming along if I had the reigns. I would convince the owners to think long term for once and everyone would be happy.

16) I played softball recently. Enjoyable. We started with a 1-1 count. Why not just make it 2 strikes for a strikeout and 3 balls for a walk.

17) The greatest living actor is either Robert Dinero or Kevin Spacey.

18) I do not understand the appeal of wine. It tastes like spoiled grapes. People drink it because they think they are supposed to.

19) Vace makes incredible pizza.

20) I am going through a period right now where I am really enjoying the music of Kenny Loggins, Phil Collins, and Journey.

Have a good weekend.

Sure, I'll Be Right Over Let Me Just...

Grab my two handguns and assault rifle. I'd better down half a bottle of vodka for the trip. Hi, my name is Maurice Clarett and I'm an example of what can go wrong. Jesus.

Michael Wilbon wrote a nice article in the Post about the latest bizarre turn in the horror show that is Maurice Clarett. Check it: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/08/09/AR2006080902074.html

The NCAA is about as bad as it gets in terms of governing bodies for athletics. The number of stupid regulations and obstacles it places on universities and student athletes is a constant reminder of its ineptitude and how out of touch the school presidents are with the everyday situations of campus life. That said, the NCAA is capable of some good. They need to find a way to reach kids like Maurice Clarett. I don't know exactly how you could pull this off, but there has to be a way to separate kids from their 'entourages' and people that are constantly in their ears giving them bad advice.

At GW, we had a similar case that you won't ever hear about because he wasn't nearly this high profile. There was a dude named (seriously) Sir Valiant Brown. As a freshman, he led the nation in scoring (basketball). He was a really good player but he rolled with idiot thugs who told him how great he was everyday. He believed it. This resulted in his entourage getting in a gun fight outside of our dorms with another player's entourage and him always f_ing around and never taking any work seriously because he just assumed he would make the NBA. He didn't (got released from an NBDL team in '02). There are probably dozens of cases like this every year. Its hard to entirely blame a kid for this. Maybe a university can step in or maybe a coach; who knows?

The point is, there has got to be a way to get some better advisors for these kids who come from difficult backgrounds. Hopefully, this Maurice Clarett debacle will serve as a catalyst.

I'm going back to the old school a little bit this weekend. I am making a triumphant return to coaching baseball this weekend in Richmond, VA. I'm rolling down there to make a hopefully lasting impression on some high school upperclassmen at Headfirst Baseball's Honor Roll Camp. The biggest drawback to the pursuit of my comedic career is that I had to give up coaching. I love coaching kids and its something I miss quite a bit. This weekend is going to be a blasty blast.

That was sensitive.

Thanks to the apathetic crowd at Dremos last night. Making you laugh was a challenge and it felt good to conquer that room. Apologies to Chris White who followed me because I think I might have done 30 minutes...I was determined to get the crowd going though despite the fact that its a complete dick move to go over your allotted time. My bad.

A Scientific Study

First, Joe Robinson said some really nice things about me in his blog. Every word of it is true. Joe, I can't...you're married.

Moving on, why are offices always so hot? Like, they are warm when its cold outside but also when its hot outside. Its like, they are cool with being hot. This is a philosophical issue. There are two types of people in the world:

Type 1: People who would rather be hot then cold. They say things like: 'I like it tropical' or 'I have poor circulation'. Don't be friends with them.

Type 2: People who would rather be cold than hot. These people understand that when you are cold, you can fix it. You can put on more clothes, you can move around, you can get a blanket or a myriad of other things to fix your discomfort. When you are hot...you can only be so naked and not get arrested. You are f-ed. If it is not appropriate for you to be sweaty and its hot, you are totally f-ed in A with stick and sandpaper.

I sweat. I'm a warm dude and I will get sweaty. Its what dudes do. I only have one friend who is not a warm dude and we are not sure what his deal is. As a side, he can also fall asleep anywhere at any time. In high school, he would sit in the front of classes and just tilt his head back and be out. Its really funny. If my group of friends were in the X men and had mutant powers, his ability would be to fall asleep under any circumstances. Mine would be to get attention from everyone while my associates did stuff. Back to the point. Why are so many offices warm all the time. Time for science to step in...

Given: Many offices are warm to the point of discomfort for dudes.

Hypothesis: Its because there are now so many chicks in the workforce.

Experiment Data:
-Chicks are typically colder than dudes because there is less of them (in terms of mass).
-Women can now vote in nearly every state
-Its no longer 'just plain silly' for a woman to work
-work often takes place in an office environment
-In American society, if there is a choice between who will experience temperature discomfort between men and women, most often the men will get the RUTA (see weddings and any occasion where dudes have to wear suits, tuxedos, shirts/ties while honies wear dresses).

Conclusion: Offices are hot because women work in them.

What do we do about this? No you misogynists, we do not forbid women from working (although I'd like to tap into a little of that 'paternity leave' as long as we're handing out equality at the staff meetings...). I propose a union. DAH (Dudes Against Heat) will seek to lower office temperatures by several degrees everywhere. If it results in SNE (spontaneous nipple erection) for the honies, so be it. Either where something less slutty around the breasticle area, or wrap up if it bothers you. If not, I say let them be your guide. First meeting is with the heating and cooling guy, Emil, on the 2nd garage level where the temperature controls are. Let's do this...

I Could Absolutely Do It

Every sports columnist in America has taken a shot one time or another at NBA general managers. Now I'm going to do it. Collectively, the most inept and incompitant workers in the universe. It is so rare that an NBA GM exercises some modicum of intelligent behavior, that he is lauded as a genius when it occurs. For example, The Washington Wizards GM is Ernie Grunfeld. He just allowed Jared Jeffries to take an enormous contract offer from the New York Knicks. Until the 11th hour, the team was contemplating matching the offer ($30 million for 5 years) for this player which meant he would have stayed.

If you followed the link, you would quickly notice that this juggernaut averaged 6 points per game last year. 6. As a starter for a playoff team that was in the top 5 in the league in scoring, he poured in 6 a night. He is of course not known as a scorer but the point is, there is no planet where the single worst offensive player in the league deserves $30 million dollars from any team. Because he is agile for a 6'11" player, the bizarre culture of NBA executives and front office people covet his skill set. He has no natural position and is known as a 'tweener. He gets pushed around by power forwards and gets beaten by quicker small forwards and guards. Players like this had better make up for it on the offensive end to have any value (like Antawn Jamison, Rashard Lewis etc.) which our boy does not.

What's the point? The NBA, more than any other sport (even though other pro sports do this), values this elusive thing called 'upside' which is a fancy way of saying 'potential'. Because there really isn't a minor league system in place (the NBADL is not there yet), there are so few roster spots and spaces for players that this lunacy is more paramount. In baseball, there are 50-some rounds of draft every year' in the NBA there are 2.

Scouts and GMs go ape fecal over guys that flat out can't play and thus, we get ludicrous situations like Jared Jeffries being sought after by a couple of dead end franchises. Here is a great list of some of the worst free agent signings of all time. There are more...so many more...Sports Illustrated Story. The best part of all of this is that the Knicks are over the luxury tax limit. This means they have to pay a dollar for dollar penalty for every dollar they spend over that limit....aka, they just spent $60 million on a guy that averages 6 pts a game. $10 million dollars a point. Good call.

Who knew Dwayne Wade would be this good? I didn't, and anyone who tells you they did is lying. I thought the guy would be a really good player (not one of the top 5 in the game) because he dominated in the NCAA tourney and carried a pooptastic squad to the final 4. That matters.

In any other field, if a personnel manager made decisions like these, he would be fired and calls would go around to other businesses saying: 'don't hire Jim, he's absolutely crazy and needs help'...'we thought Jim had lost it when he gave the dude that answers the phones and transfers the calls throughout the office a company car and $200,000 because Jim thought the guy would be a great manager in a few years...' Great point.

I know this is all sports related but its important for everyone to know. Goodbye and good luck.

The Picture Pose

This is one of my favorite things about girls. It begins when they are able to walk and continues forever. Every honey in the world, knows exactly what face she needs to make for a photo to 'turn out well'. When the taking of a picture is announced, groups of honies instintively flock to their positions and are assembled nearly instantaneously with said picture faces at the ready. Truly remarkable.

My friend Kelly, a funnydanny favorite, and her girls were in rare form this past Saturday night. Pics were flowing like liquids on a planet with gravity and these honies moved into pic position like herded animals (note: this is not to imply that any of these honies are anything less than astonishingly attractive. FunnyDanny does not role with woofers. Fact) before a rainstorm.

A sample of the picture pose is included above. I, without the aid of picture knowledge, look like a fool. A silly fool. The honies? Not foolish at all. They all knew exactly what they are doing and look at them. F-ing fabulous.

Joe Robinson and this guy brought some filthy mirth on Saturday night in Bethesda. Over 100 people listened to the humor and received joy for their cover charge.

The last thing I want to talk about is excellence. We all say that we try to pursue excellence in what we do but, deep down, we only know the limits of our own efforts. Everyone of us has a different yard stick to measure achievment and their own pursuit of excellence. Want to know mine? Petals Edge. The best wedding floral design team in the history of the world, Petals Edge brings the noise and/or funk in the most tasteful way possible. If you're getting married and want people to like the flowers, you call the honies at Petals Edge. They are the hotness like a party with The Thundercats playing Pictionary with Voltron. They are now linked in the Blanetheon to the right (Blog Pantheon) as they should be. RESPECT.

Bliggity Blizzog

Blogger sucks today. Hopefully, a little something later.

Holler

Warp Factor 10

I have made a slight upgrade with the materials I already have at my disposal to increase my own output...much as was done on Star Trek. It just took some rearranging of some things, theoritcal physics, and the drive to enjoy myself on stage. I now rock (note: this is subjective and in my own mind which means that its true. It is NOT a lie if you believe it).

Saturday night, catch Joe Robinson and me at the Bethesda Hyatt. Joe is riding high these days (rolling dirty as the kids are saying at this time) and he is also releasing his first compact disc. Joe is a really good dude. He's funny. He is also old. I don't mean like 'ewwwwww' old. I mean old in the sense that he is an adult with a family. Meanwhile, I am 26 which is not youthful, but at the same time, I have 0 responsibilities at all and shy away from any like vegans stay away from having any kind of fun ever. Congrats to Joe. I'm hanging out at his CD release party on Sunday at the Comedy Factory. Its not clear if I'm on the lineup of 38 comics or not. I do know, that if I have to pay to get in after hauling myself up to Crackmore, I'll be pissed. Joe, I accept compliments and rusty sandcrabs. Show starts at 8 an humans should attend.

There are so many awesome people doing comedy in the DC area. There are so many people that make it fun to go to shows. I'm super greatful to all the amazing people I've met in my comedic experiences. That was fruity. Whatever. I'm an emotional guy. I forgot how wondrous it is to have coverage of sport. I watched a lot of the US/Puerto Rico game last night and felt encouraged. Team USA hoops might be back. They looked flat out nasty last night. Tightness.

Answering and Moving On

Yesterday, Brian asked me why I hate Virginia Tech in a comment. I shall enumerate those reasons forthwhith:

1) They were our rivals in college

2) When we played there, I was heckled in a way that was beyond the scope of human understanding. I am a heckler, a great one in fact, so I can appreciate a good heckle. Many schools had some good ones: South Carolina, Stetson, Xavier, and Duquesne to name a few. Do some research, have a little background or pick out trends in the game. Its open season and I've got no problems. At Tech, they have a different view. 3 fat guys wearing overalls and no shirts, carrying a metal can to spit tobacco juice in, and confederate flag hats emerged from one of the many silos on campus and sauntered down to the baseball diamond and screamed things like the following:

"Hey 14 (my number), you're a fag!"
"Hey 14, why don't you go cry to your girlfriend...the shortstop...Fag!"
"Hey 14, you have a big nose, rosey cheeks and you're a fag!"

All gems. As it turned out, we took 2/3 that weekend and I'm not going to tell you who got the Conference player of the week award because its arrogant to mention things about yourself.

3) We made a pitstop on the bus ride down. We go inside a convinience store to purchase goods. The store clerk asks me:

-"Y'all a team?"
Me: "Yes sir."
-"Y'all playin' the Ho'wkies?"
Me: "yes sir."
-"Y'all gon' lose."

4) At sporting events, Virginia Tech fans bring turkey gobblers. They shake them at every opportunity and it makes on of the 5 most annoying sounds on record at an extraordinary volume. They do this with alarming frequency.

5) During football games on 3rd downs and other big plays, and during basketball games in the final seconds or during free throws, the clever Tech fans jiggle keys...because its a 'key situation'. I'm not kidding.

6) Everywhere they go, they refer to it as 'Tech'. Most VA residents refer to it as 'safety school'.

7) The school has no allegiance or sense of loyalty. They have changed conferences 3 times in the last 10 years always trying to 'better deal' themselves and screwing over whomever they leave behind.

8) On campus, in casual conversations, racial slurs are standard and inventive.

9) The Confederate Flag is also standard.

10) They are exactly what people want to fix when it comes to college sports. They are (to quote 'The Program') a 'football vocational school'. Michael Vick still hasn't been to a class there.

11) A Hokie is the single worst mascot ever. Its a fierce turkey and any Tech fan will go into the history of it completely unsolicited. (Note, school nicknames that require explanations are young. Washington, DC Affluent Neighborhood University has such a name..."You see, Hoya Saxa is latin in its etimology...it actually means 'What Rocks'...hahahaa" (Thurston Howell III laughter at a cocktail party where there are several bow ties and everyone there should be punched)

12) Every 'Tech' story involves how drunk someone got for under $10.

13) The uniform colors are amongst the most abhorrent in the history of sport. It looks like what a wild turkey might throw up if it went through garbage cans at a frat house. Which is what gave the athletic department the idea for the colors.

There's my list. Right off the top of my head. I may add to it at a later date. Blogger is giving me flack so I can't put up pictures right now. I had a few visual aids to demostrate some of the terribleness. Anyway, thanks for asking Brian!

I had fun last night on stage. I did some time at Rendezvous in Adams Morgan and then at Dremos in Arlington. It was hot but people braved the heat. I think I re-discovered something that was missing...

We Can Rendezvous At the Club Around 2...

Its hot out but don't be a pu$$y. Come to Rendezvous Lounge in Adams Morgan (2226 18th St. NW, Washington, DC). Its down at the bottom of the stip on 18th. The show will be tight and everything about it will be cool except for the hotness of the comedy but that is a firgurative metaphor as is the potential coolness of seeing the hotness.

Congrats and large ups to Kacie Wade. She has started 2, count them 2 new rooms for comics to perform in. We need to support these rooms as best we can. Broad Street Tavern in Falls Church and Clarendon Grill in Arlington. They're gonna get started soon and we will all hear more about these locations. Great job Kacie!

This has been and will continue to be, one the busiest 7 day periods of my life. Awkward.

Joe Saunders, threw great last night against the Oakland Athletics. I bring it up for a couple of reasons.
Reason 1) I hate that guy
Reason 2) I played against him in college and we absolutely ripped him. He came in so hyped up and he couldn't get through the 4th inning. His off-speed stuff may have sucked, but at least his fastball was flat. His line for the game? 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 hits, 4 walks, 1 K. I looked it up. And that dude beat the Oakland A's last night. I just realized baseball is stupid.
Reason 3) He went to Virginia Tech and V TECH is in my pantheon of teams that I absoultely hate the most. They are in a gentle spin cycle with the dallas cowboys, new version of york yankees, the philadelphia eagles, the new version of york football giants, virginia tech and duke. Right up all their a$$es that I don't capitalize their names.

The following teams are slowly working their way into a secondary hatred role:
The Chicago Bulls after Jordan retired/as long as Andres Nocioni is on the team, the Tampa Bay Buccanneers, the Cleveland Cavaliers as long as the NBA permits Lebron James to travel and push off, the Italian national soccer team, and Temple University.

That is all.

I Would Never Hang Out Here...

The moving process is almost complete. I'll probably be fully in this weekend. The major issue is this: after 9 years of living inside of Washington, DC, I will be living in Arlington (just outside the city). There are two types of people in the world:

1) Type 1: those that live in cities and realize why it is tight to do so

2) Those who do not and awkwardly defend living outside the city with things like: 'The commute isn't that bad', 'I don't like the fast pace of the city', 'the bars out here are actually really fun', 'it just made better sense for me right now to move out there; its not that far and I can come in whenever I want to...'. Poppycock. All of it. Its beat up. The only reason you should ever do what I'm doing is if you wish to save a lot of $ or its all you could find. Note: this is not true if you are a grown up. It is different for grown ups. They have to take into account awkward things like mortgages and school systems. 26 year old comics do not think of these things and if they do, they are bad comics.

I grew up just outside of DC. I commuted every day through elementary school and high school. I used to get frustrated at my good friends that lived in the city who expressed nothing but disdain for anything outside of the city limits. "Why would I ever leave?" They would say...It was only until I lived inside that I knew the truth...it changes you. You become different. What was close before...is now so far. A 20 minute drive becomes abhorrent. You learn to cut people out of your life...the ones that live in Alexandria because you know it sucks to go there always because you can only go 25 and there are a billion traffic lights and idiots say: 'but old towne is so nice' and you tell them its a poor man's capital hill and that if I wanted to live on that side of National Airport I would but I would rather be kicked in the shins by a kid that has a snot bubble in his nose throughout the Spring months.